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Aunty Bella: Mr. Sex-Starved Marriage

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dreamstime_s_815960Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. This message was left in the comments section of another post on BN this evening. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.
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Good evening everyone, I am officially new to BellaNaija. I love this and this article touched me and the comments were wow.

No need to hide, in my marriage, I am experiencing such now. I know sex before marriage is bad, but while I was dating my wife, we collaboed some times and she was the one asking for it and reluctantly I give in as I love her so much.

Okay we got married and have kids and its 7 years now, from the 3rd year, its been a lot of ‘black out’, she doesn’t fancy sex. I know we are busy and we have to work to keep two kids going but I feel we can’t forget we married each other.

I have spoken to her several times on this topic, but no changes. I cheated once, in the course of the marriage, how it happened was still a mystery. I felt the attention I lacked at home but I know I don’t love that woman. During the sex, I felt so bad as I know I was not suppose to do it. I retraced my steps and from the 4th year I have kept on and remained faithful. But I am so frustrated as our sex life hasn’t improved. Social life also dead.

I felt I was just a means to an end, just to achieve the marriage status for wifey. I have spoken to her on this topic, no improvement. Hence I have ignored it as it always leads to a quarrel.

So a young man is living like an old man and I am determined not to cheat again after I did it once, knowing I was starved of affection.

What do I do?

~ Princeton Harryson

Photo Credit: Bobby Flowers | Dreamstime.com

69 Comments

  1. Dr. N

    November 18, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    I think this is the point where you need to involve someone else. if you have tried to discuss it n she uses anger to avoid the topic, you need to carefully choose a counsellor that she will respect n listen to. Does she think the marriage is worth fighting for? Can she remember anything about the intimacy you once shared? Tell her you are not willing to leave her but she should not check out on the marriage mentally. I hope it all works out. Cheers

    • Diuto

      November 22, 2015 at 5:40 am

      Did you cheat with one person severally or you cheated with one person once or with several people? We need to know the gravity of the situation and if she knows it.

      You need to have an honest open conversation with her. She maybe going through some issues. Do you also engage in chores to reduce her workload?

      Try dating her like before you got married and see how it goes.

  2. Christian Sister

    November 18, 2015 at 9:20 pm

    Did you let her know you cheated? Cause if she knows you did and still isn’t doing anything to change the situation then there’s sumn serious going on here. She probably is getting it from elsewhere since she was the one pushing for sex more before the marriage.
    But if she doesn’t know, you have to let her know, probably reality hitting her hard may change things. And no I’m not a supporter of cheating on your spouse, but we are all humans and there’s only so much we can take before we break.
    Oh and you’re a good husband too, just so you know.

    • Tari

      November 18, 2015 at 11:03 pm

      If she does not know you cheated and you have truly turned a new leaf, please don’t tell her. As long as you are not planning on revisiting that past with your third leg, let it stay in the past.

    • posh

      November 20, 2015 at 4:39 am

      i agree. revealing that secret will hurt the marriage even more. sometimes its good to just leave the past alone and focus on a better future

    • FasholasLover

      November 19, 2015 at 12:31 am

      @Christian Sister, l disagree wrt her getting it elsewhere. She just might have lost the desire for sex. Oga too needs to check himself. Are you doing her right? No woman wants a wam bam thank you ma’am kinda do.

      Seduce her again the way you did when you just met. Go out on scheduled/surprise dates. Treat her right, help around the house, let relations stay away for awhile. If you do all these sincerely and are emotionally available and she still no wan do. Madam is ready to be Snr wife be dat.

  3. Ajay

    November 18, 2015 at 9:44 pm

    Counselling. Counselling. Counselling. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. You are obviously very determined not to cheat on your wife despite her lack of interest in sex. Pls do the two things above urgently. Hope deferred makes the heart seek. And the Bible talks about the woman that stands at the street corner waiting for the simple.
    Pls get talking to a Pastor that will be real about God and sex quickly. I pray you find help.

  4. Tosin

    November 18, 2015 at 9:56 pm

    if i say my own now, some people will say i write rubbish. try counseling. prayer. tell mummy to tosh you like dis. good luck.
    monogamy is so sad.

  5. Uju

    November 18, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    What are you doing to get her interested in sex? Women aren’t wired like men. You mention having kids work etc? What is yours home like? What contributions do you make (cleaning, cooking, childcare etc) ? Are these all on your wife, including her job? Do you take her out, give her gifts, show appreciation?

    If my husband only brings home income and leaves everything else to me goodness knows there will be no action. Women like to feel appreciated. Helping around the house is the quickest way to show her you value her in your home. Sex isn’t automatic for most women, it starts from the mind. You have to make an effort. Imagine your wife is tired from work, on her way home thinking about what to cook and tending to the kids, only to get home and see you’ve done it all! Hello aphrodisiac!

    A few years ago I was moving apartments, I was so exhausted from all the packing and fell asleep in my living room. My boo was around at the time took the initiative to wrap and pack up every item in the kitchen. I woke up to a completely empty kitchen! Omg, in that minute there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for him.

    So, please try and express your love in different ways to get her fired up.

    P.s. Cheating in every instance is unacceptable

    • Mz Titilitious

      November 19, 2015 at 9:24 am

      so damn on point!

    • NK

      November 19, 2015 at 12:22 pm

      Nice one Uju. Some husband/men only know how to watch TV especially football. How can your wife from children school run in the morning, to work. On her way back, shop for what to cook. One getting home finds the husband watching one USELESS (sorry for the word, but want to make my point) game in an untidy house or the same way she left it in the morning. She ignores and cooks, feeds the hubby, feeds the children, shower and put them to sleep. Only for the husband to come to bed and want to have sex?????? The THUNDER waiting for him is doing serious press up……………
      The BN guy should look within and check what is not doing right. Women sex urge as Uju said ‘starts from the mind’. If the heart is not at peace………..My dear, that is a wrong track. Make her feel COOL with her post pregnancy figure, her new role as a mother. Always remind her that she is a sexy Mama, help her out with some domestic chores no matter how simple or small the work is, do it, I tell you, she will appreciate you more. All these make her soft and not the ‘Jacki’ she perceived herself to be with the new workload and status.
      Let me tell you a small story, I was sick some time ago; my hubby hardly enters the kitchen before. But that blessed day, my hubby cooked and served me dinner in bed. I was wondering where the food came from because it was not that kind of food from the refrigerator (it was very fresh), he then told me that he made it. It was only God that saw how happy and grateful my heart was then (even though my kitchen was like a zone when I got there the next morning…lolz). I was still very grateful. I can plug my eye without thinking that very minute for him if am asked to. My hubby is not the kitchen type, his Mum told me before I married him that some days he will not enter the kitchen. His own is ‘just serve me food to eat’ kinda person. But he left his ‘comfort’ zone for me not to stress myself. That his act might be small to you, but in my eye, it was ‘Mighty’.
      My dear, find that thing you need to do to make her ‘come alive’. You are the hubby. I pray God leads you on.

    • Yemi

      November 19, 2015 at 6:47 pm

      Oh my goodness you nailed it. You seriously deserve an award. Alot of Nigerian ment expect their wives to take care of the kids, cook, clean, work etc and still be able to perform in bed. Please how is that possible. Are we slaves. My hubby has been helping around the house lately and lets just say our relationship is far better coz I feel less exhausted. So please men take note. Do everything you can do for your woman. Once in a while cook for her, let her rest and see the turn around in your marriage.

  6. AB

    November 18, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    Aww! Only talk to a man and woman of God that you are comfortable with and will keep it all confidential! Atleast they can both bring their own views on how to deal with this realistically and also prayerfully! It also has to be someone she respects or holds in high esteem!! Like Ajay said this will need plenty of counselling and above all prayers!! All the best dear and I pray that our good Lord will strengthen you Amen!!!!

  7. Ozzzie

    November 18, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Perhaps she has a medical condition. Hormones or something else. Let her see a doctor.
    Also, perhaps she knows you cheated and she is struggling to let it go. Women need the emotional connection to want sex.
    You both need counseling.

  8. Girlie

    November 18, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    I hate hate hate women who use sex a weapon of control. And yet they expect men to remain faithful, when body no be firewood. Puhlease. You can’t eat your cake and have it. I mean, how can a couple or one of the two be keeping malice for weeks? Weeks.. Seriously rolling my eyes. Small time now, they will be crying nwennnnnnnn, he cheated on me, I don’t know what I did to deserve it. Um yeah you do! All these “shildrends” of nowadays masquerading as adults and playing high school “ten teh” with their marriages. TSK TSK TSK SMH

    I hope you two seek counseling.

    • My10

      November 19, 2015 at 3:32 am

      What solution have you offered? What if she is not attracted to him at the moment? What if there is an emotional disconnect? Does that make her or such women wicked? Should she pretend and get into bed with him?

    • bunmi

      November 19, 2015 at 12:56 pm

      Is that what your married boyfriend told you his wife did? i apity u.

  9. Benbella

    November 18, 2015 at 10:30 pm

    Bruv, your situation is a precarious one, but not insurmountable. Sex is important in marriage. What she is doing is a legit ground for divorce. Not saying you should leave her, but it is not a trivial matter.

    – First you need to involve outside parties – and who you choose to mediate can make or mar the whole situation. Who does your lass look up to or respect? Who can intervene and give you guys guidance but not sell the story of your predicament to the olofofo police? Choose that person. Be calm when explaining details. Be conciliatory.

    If it is a medical reason which has made your wife shut off like a Venus Fly Trap, it is a relatively easy fix. If it is a mental condition, na there the patience of Job, and the long suffering of Joseph is required.

    – You spoke about how she was a randy rabbit when you guys were dating, but how was this your wife in the first years of marriage? Was she ever a freak sef? Maybe she did the randy thing to get the ring. Nothing new, some wicked chicks use sex as a weapon, and when they shoot, everybody dies. Maybe she is really asexual.. Does she offer your alternatives to core sex? Like hand job, blow job, lap sex? Or is it 6 feet of separation? Chai.

    – Really, other than the above and short of leaving her or asking for professional intervention, there is little else you can do.

    • Beht why

      November 18, 2015 at 10:44 pm

      SUPU!!!

    • girl

      November 19, 2015 at 6:11 pm

      OYIBO!!!!!

  10. AnonymousChica

    November 18, 2015 at 10:42 pm

    First of all, couples should be transparent to each other. It’s good you’re honest and have spoken to her about sex deprivation however, I also think you should speak to her about cheating. You really do not want her to find out later and be more hurt about it. The first thing you should do is pray about it, I’m not sure if you’re a frequent church goer but you really need to have a strong relationship with the Lord and he will put men in your life that will hold you accountable. After praying, you should seek help with someone trustworthy, maybe a male family member or friend that you really trust. I also think that therapy might help to some extent but it depends on if you really want this relationship with your wife to work. Both of you should have the mindset of resolving your issues or else therapy would be a waste. I understand coming from a woman’s view that she has kids and probably has been swarmed by work. I think she can also get counsel on balancing work and life because it’s really critical for a married woman with kids to pay attention to her husband and kids. You should also check out heatherllindsey.com/?m=1 and corneliuslindsey.com. They are a couple and they’re real about problems in marriage, they also talk about how they overcame those problems.

  11. Oversabi

    November 18, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    Currently in the same bucket as you r wife so I am going to share my perspective. My Oga stopped showing affection when I was preggy. I had to psyche myself to not receive. So, I shut down my down below and it was possible with a mental shut down. Then he stopped going to the movies, would not listen to my Stories about work or life and made me feel like I was an economic means. I started feeling like agreeing to do was just making me no different than ashis. And the wahala Just Expanded. Now my thingy is Ironclad. If I want romance, I watch u movie or read a Mills and Boon. I guess I Cheat with the book and moving characters. so what have you done to turn iyawo off?

  12. Bade

    November 18, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    Not an expert on the problem as I’m less than one year into marriage but one possible problem is that men don’t try to be attractive to women as much as women do for them. Like someone said, for women it really starts from the mind.

    Consider taking her out and romancing her all over again. I haven’t slept with my husband in weeks and it’s partly because he doesn’t try to woo me anymore and I feel like conversations he has with me are very transactional and too basic. I’m not using it as a tool for control. I really am just not that interested.

    Show me you care, make me feel special, look good for me, reach into my emotions and find out what I’m really feeling and things might just get different.

  13. Umbrella

    November 18, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    I have a friend going through this exact situation. She said she does not know how she suddenly stopped finding her husband sexually attractive. She avoids him in the room sometimes so that he doesn’t get turned on and start asking her for sex. She spoke to her pastor who asked her to go into a spiritual exercise and by the time the exercise was over, she had consecutive dreams where she would see herself having sex as in hard core sex with one of her exes – the one she loved the most but could not marry for whatever reason. In the dream she was so in love with him.
    The pastor interpreted the dream to mean that maybe a spirit husband is responsible for her loss of interest in her very kind and gentle husband.She has now intensified her prayer life and hopes things will change.
    But…..we live in a strange world o….which one be spirit husband again?? Hiannnnnnnnn!!!

    • Africhic

      November 19, 2015 at 11:05 am

      I hope that the Spirit husband shares in the bills and is not only good for sex. He should provide financially as per husband…….

      Why are we so ignorant, this is not just a prayer issue.

  14. Ade

    November 18, 2015 at 11:10 pm

    I feel your pain brother. I have been married for three years and whilst my situation is not quite as bad as yours, the nookies have significantly reduced. Working hard and trying to be a husband/wife definitely has its drawbacks. Our third wedding anniversary was a few days ago and I went out of my way to cook her a lovely 3 course meal complete with all the works. (flowers, cards, chocolates and a lovely wristwatch that my bank balance is still recovering from) At the end of the night, the Mrs went ahead to f*** my brains out (pardon my french) Moral of the story is that its very easy to get comfortable and get into a rut. Do something new, husbands help out in the house, book a holiday to somewhere nice, cook your wife dinner and wives make an effort to seduce your husband. if this fails, na only God fit help you. shikena

  15. elle

    November 18, 2015 at 11:18 pm

    I agree with the commenters above on counselling and/or medical intervention.
    You mentioned you talked to her. How was your tone? Was it a discussion where she talked about what may be affecting her or was it one-sided or critical?
    Does she have insecurities about her body after childbirth? Does she feel attractive? Is she overwhelmed by family responsibilities? Do you affirm her? Do you call her the sweet nothings like you did when dating? What things made you two go at it during the first three years? Is she on contraceptives that may have affected her libido?
    On a dead social life, do yo have date nights with your wife?

    I wish you two all the best.

  16. Unique

    November 18, 2015 at 11:44 pm

    Your wife attitudes to the marital sexual relationship is bad enough and you cheating shouldnt be an excuse too.
    Ok here is it.
    The thing is women are emotional being even sex is emotional not physical to them. There are probably some things you were doing in the first 2 years of your marriage that you probably have stopped doing due to negligence or whatever.

    Dont force her, try to come around on her own term. Become more romantic, join her in the kitchen whenevr you can, helped in housechores and handling the children.
    Sometimes stay home on a saturday, allow her to go out to shop around or whatever. Scribble a little note under the pillow telling her how much you missed and love her.. Buy her surprise gifts as you deem fit. Rearranged your bedroom and refurbished the interiors
    When you come back home or go to pick her, make sure you hug for at least 1 mins.

    These things works. I am sure she will come around. Ask her her weird sexual fantasy.
    I think you are a good man based on what you said about still keeping the faith. I am sure she will do more than all these if reverse was the case.

    Man, its time to take and get your wife back!

  17. nunulicious

    November 19, 2015 at 12:59 am

    After the prayers and counselling. consider the following:

    Scenario 1: perhaps she doesn’t orgasm by penetration and finds the whole exercise a bore? buy KY jelly or any good lubricant. sometimes the inertia of initiation of sex is the biggest obstacle that needs to be overcome. Also, try watching a few ted talks here ted.com/talks/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm?language=en
    and here: ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

    consider sending the links to her too.

    Scenario 2: maybe she used you to have kids and she’s done with you. i’m sorry if that’s the case o.

    Scenario 3: perhaps she needs a jolt. consider: stay away from her sexually. while being the best father, be super helpful in the house as much as you can. develop and independent social life. volunteer for some community/religious organisation. go the the gym and buff up. start having friends on your bbm and watsapp and spend eons of time chatting with them. be the best in-law you can to her family BUT give her the coldest shoulder in bed. don’t talk about sex. don’t ask for sex. don’t initiate sex. when you’re horny, wank it away either in her presence or not.

    Scenario 4; she may be influenced by outsiders. friends? ex-lover etc. this one too long to suggest any hope.

    Scenario 5: send her this link on bella naija. by the time she reads all the comments here she may realise that this mata no be small thing for you.

    all the best o!

    • Doxa

      November 19, 2015 at 1:50 pm

      Scenario 5, may just donthe trick.

  18. Tania

    November 19, 2015 at 1:33 am

    Naija people are funny,…. Lol, involve someone because your wife is not giving it to u…lol. Before saying she has a problem you need to look at yourself and your action in the home. Than you need to look into ur performance in the love making dept. but for me if my hub involved someone into our problem, he can pack up and live with the person he came with.

  19. Bebe

    November 19, 2015 at 1:38 am

    I am moving back to nigeria after my studies from England. I really would like to meet a guy for a relationship I am those good girls that never meet guys. Please can anyone suggest to me how and where I can be lucky to meet decent guys especially like poster.

    • Big Tee

      November 19, 2015 at 5:24 am

      I am here, I’m waiting for you …I am all you want and more !!!

    • PH Boy

      November 19, 2015 at 2:16 pm

      …One chance!!!

    • edwin

      November 19, 2015 at 8:09 am

      am interested…[email protected]……..+447887338714

    • Tari

      November 19, 2015 at 9:50 am

      Una no dey shame?

    • segman

      November 19, 2015 at 9:11 am

      hello. this platform is probably wrong to do this but you can follow me on twitter @corluka20…let’s talk

    • bayowa

      November 19, 2015 at 10:41 am

      Dont mind all these your “”responders”” jare. What type of person are your? religious or socially active?

      find your circle, be yourself, pray and help people it helps.

    • Shy

      November 19, 2015 at 11:06 am

      Ahhhh! See them o! Bebe u gave too much information too soon.

      Meanwhile where’s iyke?

  20. Anony....

    November 19, 2015 at 4:07 am

    1. What have you done to spice up your marriage?
    2. Do you assist her around the house?
    3. Do you spend time with her?
    4. Do you shower her with emotions and gifts occasionally?
    5. When you end up having Sex, does she have orgasm or is just about you?

    We are all matured here….

    Sex is not just about kissing and …. you need to let her know she is secured and loved.
    You need to connect with her emotionally, the same way you connected with her when you were dating.
    Is it just about work for you as well and then you want to just pounce on her have Sex, come and sleep? If that is the case, your wife will not be emotionally attached to you because she will believe you are just selfish and it’s about you.
    Does she know you cheated? Did you make up for it? Women tend to think about this a lot.
    Men always want to eat their cake and have it, how would you feel if it was the other way round.
    Anyways you are determined not to cheat again which is good but you really need to spice up your marriage yourself, talking about it is not the real deal but you need to show affection and connect with her. Maybe you don’t buy her things, take her out often not once in 5 months like you said your social life is dead and that’s your fault not hers. It’s like you are the one pushing her away from you. I am not an expert but we women like to feel loved. My man should come home with surprise gifts once in a while, take me out and spend lovely time with me jilting, playing and having fun and not just coming home, eat and then want to have Sex with me.
    Seems like there is no spark, try and add a little spice and see of there will be any improvement. You need to put in d effort.

  21. Anony....

    November 19, 2015 at 4:11 am

    A few typos here and there sorry.
    Jisting and not jilting.
    See if there will be any improvement.
    Please ignore the typos and focus on the main point.

  22. tilda

    November 19, 2015 at 6:18 am

    One thing to consider carefully is that unlike men sex is closely linked to a womans emotional state. Have you hurt her emotionally? Something you said, treated her family a peculiar way? especially her mum, is she doing to much I. E working tending kids needs, your needs? Could be a whole lot of things to consider. What’s home like ? Have you put your family needs before her? Has she got interfering in laws? I’ll advise you to have an honest to goodness conversation with yourself first. reflect and explore if there are any emotive issues effecting your wife. You gave to be honest and go through things with a fine comb. Hard work but if you really love her you would do it. She might even be depressed. It could be a number of issues, be tactful, and sensitive to her needs. Bro do you take her out?buy her nice things ? Some men think once they put a ring onbit no more effort is needed to keep the romance going, same can be said of some women. Remember for some women foreplay is important and may need to begin much ealier than when you are suddenly in the mood .For some It can take days of prep work! Loool! You got your work cut out for you, Bro. Good luck in your marriage life. Oh least I forget, do you need work on yourself, deodorant, physical fitness issues maybe the old missionary styla anit got the magic anymore. Loool. No offence Bro, just helping you explore. Good luck:)

  23. lolade

    November 19, 2015 at 6:31 am

    prayer is the key

  24. Blueberry

    November 19, 2015 at 6:37 am

    It is tricky but here is my own advice:
    – go to the gym and pimp yourself up. As in try to look and smell good or sexy sef. Shave that overgrown beard (and hair). It will make you look younger and sexier. Men always think they are the only ones who need to be attracted to the physical before they can have sex. WRONG! Same thing with women. We always love the feel of strong muscles in bed and a good six pack can take us places just by looking at it.
    – if you finally succeed in luring her into your arms, oh boy…give her a once in a lifetime sex experience that will have her screaming your name in bed and saying “thank you Jesus” the next morning. Always try to make love to her like it was the first time.

    – She will not open up to you until after you guys make love. Sex has a way of relaxing both partners and creating and atmosphere where both can speak candidly to each other. That is why they say problems between couples end in bed …in most cases.

    – If the above doesn’t work, then bros, you have a serious problem. As hard as it may seem, you need counselling. Speak to somebody she will listen to. I would say her mom. Mothers know how to attack such topics with their daughters better than anyone else.

  25. Mike

    November 19, 2015 at 7:22 am

    There are different ways to spice up your marriage and the only way to find out what works for u is by talking with your partner. I complained bitterly about me being deprived of sex cos I could have sex 5 times a week if given the opportunity to. She said I don’t take her out and I don’t give her attention like before. I replied that my work load is 4 times more than when we first met.

    To cut a long story short, I pay her for the sex. See it as a fine for not taking her out due to business commitments. Helping out with domestic chores is an added bonus.

    • Doxa

      November 19, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      You pay her for the sex, azin after or before a session you give her cash?

  26. confuzedWife

    November 19, 2015 at 7:49 am

    Been married for 6 years n we started drifting apart 4 years ago.
    Hubby keeps late nights, drinks badly, visits. Strip clubs and when I complain he gets violent like threatening to kill me! Never takes me out n even when I suggest, he claims to be busy? But prefer to hang out wit d boiz.
    I then became a recluse.
    Sex became a routine, as I just gave it to him becos I HAD TO.
    I stopped loving him
    There’s this guy I got
    The only reason why I’ve not cheated on him is “the fear of God”
    I’ve been tempted to.. several times
    Not. Easy been in loveless relationship, it’s not
    Truth is I’m a fyn gal, n don’t look any where near my age/status
    You guys should stop treating ur wives like a trophy that’s got no worth again!!

    We loved to be Loved!
    We’ve got blood in our veins too
    Wives can cheat too, Not just d Men!!

    • huh?

      November 19, 2015 at 10:01 am

      wait hollup hollup…threatening to kill you???? madam you need to address that comment asap before it becomes a reality,its not even funny,

    • MRS just being honest!

      November 20, 2015 at 5:00 am

      how did you manage to still be in such a marriage? a man who threatens to kill you for cautioning his unruly behaviour? so many women have watched threats like this become reality. and there is no doubt that he is cheating on you… all these men that are always hanging out with the “boys” fear them! most times they are all partners in crime and womanizing… you are a strong woman! kudos…because if i were you, it would have been one of two things for me….1. i would have left the marriage since or 2. i would have seeked consolation in this new guy… life is not that complicated!

    • Diuto

      November 21, 2015 at 12:37 am

      My dear if your life is in danger, you need to separate. You are in an unhealthy marriage

  27. naana

    November 19, 2015 at 10:03 am

    there are times i get confused when i learn that some marriages end up a loveless one.
    someone should kindly help me understand what causes marriage relationships to end up loveless and emotionless.
    thanks.

    • Tosin

      November 19, 2015 at 11:56 am

      – work and responsibilities. parallel lives. no time or energy to build up all the sparky sparky romance.
      – disappointment and bad experiences e.g. fights, meanness, inconsiderate behaviour, so the person is not even that likeable anymore, you’re undercover annoyed with them; or the switch from movie star to farting snoring smelly cranky ill etc so you’re not really attracted. after you’ve gone through so much real life together, you may feel fond of them, love and care for them, but like a brother/sister, not to now be offing cloth straddling pole upside down being ridiculous. or the sex is rubbish and people can’t complain e.g. one person loves to fire 100000horsepower and the other person only gets ache and pain from the thing, or “nothing happens”, or it’s just like a boring film repeated 100 times, it’s too complicated a production, or too routine, or 1001 ways people could be not on the same page. no interest based on past experiences that were negative.
      – normal lack of awe and interest in what you’ve ALREADY achieved. been there, done that, on to climb the next mountain, right? so interest can vanish based on past experiences being positive too.

      i hope this helps.
      those who stay constantly interested in each other for so so long may explain some of their stories of how that miracle happens. i don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect the miracle to happen to everybody. i don’t even remember why it’s a goal, longathroat people, everything we hear of we want. back to reality.

  28. larz

    November 19, 2015 at 10:07 am

    Take her away from it all. Get family members/ close friends to take care of your children for a long weekend.

    Then take her away somewhere. Preferably with no phone signal- I believe La Campagne Tropicana/ Inagbe are good ones. Let the first two days be about pampering and relaxation for her to unwind. Massage, breakfast in bed, full on service. Tell her you love her, steal a few kisses, shopping, movies, whatever she is into. Listen to her gist and she will prbly have some given no phone network. On the third day, start initiating topics, fun times during marriage, kids antics etc. Then move on to pre-marriage memories. Tease into your naughty times. Gauge the conversation and when it feels right, ask her what happened to that girl. Be honest and tell her you love and appreciate her for being a good wife and mother but you cant help but wonder if she is happy in the marriage. If there is anything you can do? Listen to her talk some more. You prbly wont need to do anything as chances are she just needs to vent and feel appreciated. If she does ask for your help, try and give it to her. Finally, tell her you are worried about lack of intimacy in your marriage and are worried it might be damaging to your marriage in the long run. Ask her, it will mean a lot to you if you guys can work at it by your help or with the help of a trusted counselor. Your conversation will determine how to proceed but end on a good note. Later that evening, you guys should make out when the sunset. Try outside so she wont panic; the aim is not to have sex but to make her feel comfortable about intimacy. Try again inside.

    Chances are she will jump at you on day 2 or before the end of the holiday. If she doesnt, then chances are you have a slightly bigger issue. If she sleeps with your during your holiday because you made some promises. Try to follow through or the next time you do this again, she wont respond to you

    You guys should attend marriage conference or seminars regularly. I know churches do these but choose a practical one (perhaps one not from church). You can both learn from it. More often than not, sex (or lack of) is a symptom and not the root of the problem.

  29. Gina

    November 19, 2015 at 10:16 am

    I totally agree with you on your points, and would like to take them further.
    As for you sir Please also make sure that you read the comments of Oversabi, Bade, Ade,elle Unique and Anony (4:07am). to give you a glimpse of possible reason why she shutdown.
    To fully understand what is wrong you need to put yourself in her position for at least a week. this might sound extreme, but will help in the long run
    First things first, take on all her responsibilities (everything including cleaning, cooking, taking the kids to the loo, reading books for them waking up at night to comfort them).I cannot emphasis enough on the importance of taking up all her responsibilities with your work.
    Secondly keep a salary, at the end of everyday before 12 midnight write down what you did and your feelings for the day.
    Thirdly, try to make out time for social activities with your wife during that week, (movies or visit a friend)
    At the end of the 7-day week do an assessment of how you feel emotionally and physically (at what point during all the activities did you feel able and willing to have a sexual intercourse with your wife?). This does 2 things for you,
    1. It gives you an understanding of what she goes through daily and why she might not be in the mood
    2. More importantly to your situation, what is the best possible time to approach your wife for sex
    Apart from all of this the birth of the babies might have affected her in ways that makes sex painful and dry for her. It happened to me fortunately for me I had another baby which corrected this (not sure how, you might have to seek a medical solution).
    Also are you sure that she is not aware of your extra-marital affair? she might have found out and concluded that its not worth it.

    • Gina

      November 19, 2015 at 10:18 am

      *typo Diary not Salary

  30. Gina

    November 19, 2015 at 10:34 am

    Princeton Harryson, Are you sure that this is not your wife?which will explain why you’ve not been getting some? in the article that you quoted:

    Hmm November 18, 2015 at 8:09 pm
    Hmm my husband and I were in a similar situation , not sexless but maybe sex twice a month, I got pregnant and doctors adviced we abstain from Sex because I had a condition , then I found out my husband cheated, it’s been a very very difficult situation for me, I can’t bring myself to have sex with him because I keep imagining him with this other woman and I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost a year now and no sex…. This might just be the end of my marriage… Sigh :((

  31. LILLY

    November 19, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Dear Princeton Harry,
    I was exactly like your wife till My Husband and I were invited by a couple to attended the Marriage Enhancement Course at Family Worship Center Abuja. It was for 11 weeks. My life & marriage took a 360 turn for the better. Everything about my marriage changed from communication, romance, decision making, sex, spirituality, in-laws etc.
    we are sooooooooooooooooo in love with each other & can’t take our hands off each other.
    if you reside in Abuja, please attend the course. You don’t need to be a member of the church. we are not members. God bless.

  32. Shy

    November 19, 2015 at 11:05 am

    Ahhhh! See them o! Bebe u gave too much information too soon.

    Meanwhile where’s iyke?

  33. ifeanyi

    November 19, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    Is it possible she is having it somewhere else?

    Might just be possible…We should never rule that out! The reason the word ‘Betrayal’ exist was because of ‘Trust’

    Put that in one of the possible reason!
    #My2Kobo

  34. been there

    November 19, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    I keep saying most Nigerian men will rank as the most demanding in a relationship in the world. this man did not tell us many things, like do you help your wife at home, with chores, with the kids? I’m married myself and i know that as a working Nigerian woman with little help it is hard. you expect the house to be clean, food always ready, wifey must be fit and not get fat, and she will still be a freak in the bed. so tell me are you married to a human being or a robot?

    Help around the house, whether you have a maid or not. like pick ur socks from the floor, hang your towel where it belongs. be romantic. date nights don’t have to be so expensive. u can even stroll together. help her with the kids. d list is endless. it must be a cultural thing, but i have vowed to break free from this when raising a son.

    If a woman is stressed and tired, trust me sex is the farthest thing on ur mind. i have had the convo with my hubby and he knows better now and things are improving for both of us.
    I make the effort too to look nice and be a good wife but he has to pull his weight biko.
    i know a woman, who’s a stay at home mum, with 2 sons, no maid, no car, her hubby will even take d car key wen going out on foot. the only place she goes is church, market, salon,he is always home late, and i’ve only seen the family go out once. she does not look happy. yet that man will want sex to be kamasutra all the time. ABEG!!!

    sorry for the epistle

  35. jhennique

    November 19, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    The annoying part about being a woman is that this hormonal changes creep up on us and take over our lives, our marriages and our desire for sex. We dont plan for it to be that way, we try to fight it but sometimes its frustrating and we just want to be by ourselves.
    Some have it easy, some do not. Dear brother take it easy on your wife. Study her all over aagin, pray for her , encourage her, be affectionate with her and not with sex as the end goal in mind, compliment her, adore her body, buy her gifts, make her feel loved, attractive. Massage her feet, her neck. get her to be at ease and then have a deep, heatfelt talk with her.
    It is not small work oh, but that is what you signed up for when you decided to marry a bag of hormones which doesnt usually come with a “what to do when i explode” manual.

    About your wanderings, what you choose to do with that info is between you and your wife. I just wish you the best!

  36. Dez

    November 19, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    I think whatever is wrong with Ur wife, its wrong of her to deny sex and just shots off. At least, she suld be able to talk abt how she’s feeling or what’s wrong or what d husband did wrong.. She suldnt just imagine that d husband can read her mind and automatically knows what’s wrong. Thank God she even has a husband that feels bad after cheating, must men won’t. I think there is a reason behind every action and reaction, and I think not until she actually decides to ‘talk’, d husband is in for it. Am a woman, and I have serious mood swing and hormonal change, but I try as much as possible to talk to my husband abt it. And he understands.

  37. Joe

    November 19, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    @Babe: Drop me a message: [email protected]

  38. @bebe

    November 19, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    Hehehe I like this girl jor. She knows what she wants and she’s going for it. Too bad I’m a girl. Good luck in your love/relationship search.

  39. Joe

    November 19, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    @Bebe

  40. zee

    November 20, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    An amazing read that will blow you away… THE GREEN_EYED MONSTER
    zinnychukwuka.blogspot.com.ng/2015/11/relationship-green-eyed-monster.html

  41. Mz Socially Awkward...

    November 20, 2015 at 10:31 pm

    This was such a constructive and grown-up AuntyBella post. Very instructive reading and thanks to all the commenters who’ve proffered solutions that are educating others aside from gentleman who inspired the post.

    Dear Mr Princeton, I really hope you were able to take advantage of all the great advice. All the best, bros, praying your marriage makes it.

  42. Princeton Harryson

    November 22, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    I am most grateful to all that has shown genuine concerns to my plight and most importantly BELLA NAIJA for giving attention to my story, thank you very much and need I say more ?

    But in few words I am not the type of man that enslaves a wife. One thing I am grateful for is with the studies and stay overseas before returning home, mum grilled us on how to do chores at home, so I find it so easy to do chores at home wether wifey is around or not.

    One certain time, my mother in law was angry to find me in the kitchen cooking, it was a funny scene that day.

    Telling my wife I cheated will kill her oo, but why the black out amazes me. I don’t check her phones (resisted the urge several times) , the fact I cheated once, doesn’t make me suspect her of any as I feel my past is getting to me if I do.

    So the prayer and counseling looks good, counseling hmmmm wifey won’t go and you guys want to cause kasala be that oo.

    But I will keep praying and talk to,a counselor . And see how,it goes and I will surely let the house know how it went.

    Thank you all once again.

  43. TJ MARKS

    December 9, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    AWWWWW @PRINCETON HARRYSON,ur such a nice guy.God shall restore love in your marriage.

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