Connect with us

Features

Aunty Bella: Miss. Is My Boyfriend Being Possessive?

BellaNaija.com

Published

 on

dreamstime_s_46186482Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for about two years now and we are currently planning our wedding.

Over the weekend, one of my high school mates was getting married so another high school mate came to pick me up to the wedding. Initially I didn’t have plans of going, but when the couple phoned me, I decided to honour their invitation.

The former school mate that picked me up wasn’t someone I was close to in school. When he arrived it was raining and very cold. He told me he was hungry, so I asked him to come inside and have some food to eat while I finished dressing up. My boyfriend was online with me during that whole time and I noticed he was upset but he didn’t say anything and just went offline. Within 10 minutes, I had finished and we left to the wedding.

When I got home after the ceremony and asked my boyfriend why he was upset, he said I shouldn’t have gone to the wedding with my mate because I said we were not that cool back in school. He also said I shouldn’t have invited my mate inside, and that he thought he, my boyfriend was the only one I invite into my house.

His other issue is why I gave my mate food because I said we were not that cool, so if my mate has been that comfortable to come inside my house to eat, then what I initially said about us not being close is not true. Finally, he asked me what happened between the guy and I when he was inside my house, and that got me very upset.

My mate and I just got in touch because of the wedding and it was only the morning of the wedding he decided to pick me up, because he was coming alone and didn’t think he would know anyone there besides me, as there are only a few of us in the country we live in now.

My boyfriend does not believe we only decided to go together in the morning, because I only told him when he woke up and rang me, and it wasn’t the first thing I told him.

I have never cheated on my boyfriend and because I have nothing to hide, he has all my passwords and I feel free to leave my phone around whenever he comes for vacation. He says what I did was disrespectful but I want to know if what I did was wrong. Or is it just that he probably doesn’t trust me that’s why he’s made a big deal out of this?

Photo CreditMichaeljung | Dreamstime.com

41 Comments

  1. kila

    November 18, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    hmm..well…its easy…if you reverse the scenario and a female friend showed up to eat in your boyfriend’s place, and they both went to a wedding together, how will you feel? your answer will describe whether you think he is possessive or not.

    • Ngozi

      November 18, 2015 at 5:16 pm

      I don’t believe that he is possessive. He has not told you not to interact with other males. Communication is paramount. Did you tell him that your mate had absolutely no where to stay? I will also be bothered if a lady hubby was not close to goes into the house, eats etc while he is dressing up unless the situation is such that she has no relative or acquaintance in the area even at that I will be concerned. Why should she have no option unless that of an opposite sex she was never close to.For example, will I go inside the house of an old school mate I was not close to, opposite sex for that matter.Secondly, no one knows what anyone has become after school, many waters have passed under the bridge for some. You only know yourself o.

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      November 18, 2015 at 8:06 pm

      Ngozi akuko gi a na atukwa m egwu o ( this your analysis is scary). So ans me these three questions. Should she had turned down a free ride cos she was in a relationship? Should she keep a young man who was so kind to come pick her up outside in his car while she dresses up, knowing the time it takes we women to dress up? So the only people you offer food when they come to your house are close friends, basic hospitality such as food is now a sign of initimacy? Na wa o!
      @ the poster please my dear, this questioning is not a healthy one, in my experience when people question you so, they are doing something fishy behind your back and projecting their guilt to you. What if you didn’t tell him about the arrangement and simply Skyped him for limited minutes and went off the grid, how would he had known the details? Nothing you did was disrespectful, in fact you communicated appropraitely. I have been in a long distance relationship, in this case he informed me that two ladies who were his family friends were coming to sleep over in his house from NY. I didn’t even interpret it any other way because telling me alone, shows sincerity, What if he told me, he had to work overtime that day would I know who came and who didn’t? Before the ladies left I simply asked to speak to them on Skype just to be sure. They came over, we talked exchanged pleasantries and everyone went their merry way. Please don’t encourage this kind of policing, that is where men coming to office to beat their wife cos they suspected a special bond btw their wife and a colleague. Na from dance e dey enter clap o

    • mojiji

      November 20, 2015 at 5:14 pm

      Did u realize he was just picking her up for d wedding not that he came to stay d day abi night,. it was raining she=d he have stayed running steam in d car when he could step in???
      Hes just being jealous I think or hes never tot he could have competition and he cant handle that.

    • Unique

      November 18, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      Even if the scenerio is reversed not all will react same way as he did. I am sur3 if the said have been a female, it wont necessitate his attitudes.

      The fundsmental issue here is trust not turning scenerios. Did she knows how many females came over to his crib, ate and mayb even went out together. This is house marital abuses starts, from justifying red flags until it blow off. The guy have issue and should go sort it out.

      Even if she knows, does he tell her evry sisi and nneka that came over to his place. No matter how the table is turned there should enough degree of trustworthiness. These are types of Guy that will cause a lady after marriage to discard all her friends(male &females).

      The guy is using these issue as a form of control. I wont buy that bullshit

    • oluwatofuneminikan

      November 19, 2015 at 7:52 pm

      E Dakun, Ewo niranu

  2. Olivia

    November 18, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    You should change your passwords,he doesn’t trust you enough to have them.I’m sure he’s snooping already.

  3. Gbemi

    November 18, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    My dear, it is time to leave that relationship oh. And PLEASEEEEE don’t look back…….. Those are warning signs of a possessive and abusive man.

  4. Kosi

    November 18, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    True talk, you did nothing wrong and your bf has issues. He’ll make a terrible husband, might even hit you. So RUN while you still can.

  5. my own opinion

    November 18, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    @ Kila where’s the trust in the relationship? Some folks think very funny. I’ve always had males friends why bcuz ladies ve got too much drama abeg I’m dramatic myself & that’s enough lol. So my boo know that. I’d ve female friends including my beatie and that’s it. Most of my guy friends I’m close with but I have NEVER extended it to nothing. It all comes down to respect. If I’m telling u that ain’t close to a high school mate, only that morning he came to pick me up cuz of a wedding & bcuz I offered him food then u don’t believe me, u should be looking for another chick for I’m not the one. Don’t be boss & doubting my words ain’t ur wife yet after all.
    I remember my friend yes ago in Nigeria & when I visited, I refused to see him bcuz his gf is an Asshole. She got so insecure that she thought I came all d way from the States to steal her man bitch pls have several seats for it ain’t that DEEP. We all should ve mutual respect for each other. Yes, the chick should ve informed him ahead of time but she didn’t plan on going to d wedding in d first place.
    Well I have heard a Nigerian lady say to me oh I’m married & therefore I can’t speak to d opposite sex a lot haba Una dey quarrel? Every relationship is different. @ Writer good luck in ur marriage & remember there’s a fine line between been trusted & been possessive.

    • summit

      November 18, 2015 at 6:18 pm

      [email protected] my own opinion, please trust is earned. you dont lay back on your couch in a relationship, doing as you please and expect trust. in this particular scenario, she should try and see things from the guy’s perspective. mind you they are in a long distance relationship which has its own share of challenges. she should address his concerns via an open communication. Apologize for giving reasons to doubt you and reassure him of your love and all.
      Unless the guy has shown an abusive trait in the past or some form of possessiveness, then just this scenario is not enough to label him as one.
      Moreso, dear writer this is a guy you are planning to marry. and u are asking BNers to help you decipher his character? i am just wondering myself

  6. Unique

    November 18, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    Lady please dont ignore these red flags.
    He is an insecure and possesive guy. I’m not an advocating or supporting the motion of leaving him. What about if you can sort it out together. He might be having trust issues which you may be accelerating somehow. Ask him candid questions on why he doesn’t trust you, cos if he cant trust you that much over the distance, he wont either when he is near.

    Don’t miscontrue his possesive traits as love. If he really loved you, he will trust you.

    TO BE TRUSTED IS BETTER THAN TO BE LOVED

    LDR itself is hardwork and it only work well for those partners who really TRUST EACH OTHER and ready to make it work.

  7. deedee

    November 18, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Dude is either insecure or if he was in your shoes… the girl will def be having something with him and he probably will be feeding her while at it.. Cos if you’re thinkingor preparing for marriage why think that far… OR May be that’s how he became your bf.. .. OR he thinks you are gullible ?. Either way he is INSECURE! and thats a RED FLAG!… Both of you should probably go for counselling to sort out this matter and please pray about it as well . cos MARRIAGE IS A BIG DEAL AND A LIFE LONG CONTRACT.. YOU enter with such issues ,it will triple..

  8. larz

    November 18, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    Personally, I don’t like coincidences. It is usually very rarely that too many out of the norm scenarios happen at once. First, you didn’t want to go to the party, then you found out on the day you were going becuz the couples begged you to go on the day (because unless most couples that are too anxious about their day, they managed to spare time to ask you to come). You managed to tell your bf on the morning but also told your not so close friend who managed to come pick you up in your house that he has never been to before. Then he went on to tell you he is hungry (his ex school mate, he barely talks to- when most people will hold stomach or run to nearest fast food shop for snacks). You invited him to your house and fed him. Your bf was online and became quiet thought this interaction and he wasn’t introduced to this random (probably handsome) stranger. Bf hung up and you didnt call him back. You went to the party, came back and then called your bf.

    The biggest fear that ppl in LDR have is absence. Even if your school mate was fugly, he had something on your bf. He was present and in a way, you are attending a wedding together with him- which by the way looks like a date. It is easier to digest if all these happened with a close friend of your but he is not a close friend. He is an unknown person, le boo never heard about who suddenly became your ride and you were sharing your food with. Unfortunately, le boo is unable to form much of an opinion about him, but he can read the facts and the facts does raise a few questions in this case.

    Unless, your bf has displayed a gazillion instances of abuse/ funny behavior, I say you should cut him some serious slack.

    PS- marriage will throw you a lot of drama and curve-balls and you should be very selective in who you share confidences with. A public forum such as BN will confuse you more than it will help you. You will probably need panadol by them you read all the comments

    • ember

      November 18, 2015 at 6:08 pm

      you are wise Larz. Same sentiments i share.
      Communication is key.
      Moreso, you are heading into marriage. if at this level you still resort to BN for your issues, then i’m sorry, you are not ready for something as lifelong as marriage

    • Winnie

      November 19, 2015 at 10:32 am

      @ Larz, you spoke well. LDR are very sensitive. You have to pick your battles cos le boo at the other end would be thinking of so many things that are likely to happen. In LDR, you have to make the other party feel confident and safe in the relationship.

  9. YETTY

    November 18, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    PERFECT ANSWER……………if you reverse the scenario and a female friend showed up to eat in your boyfriend’s place, and they both went to a wedding together, how will you feel? your answer will describe whether you think he is possessive or not.

  10. Blueberry

    November 18, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Lack of trust is a major problem in long distance relationships. If you are in that kind of relationship, you have to trust your partner. That is the only way forward. If you have never given your fiancé a reason NOT to trust you, then he should chill abeg.

  11. Chi

    November 18, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    Great response from @kila it’s easy to say he is too possessive till you put yourself in his shoes. If you can honestly say you will feel no way if it were you then maybe he is too possessive for you. I would say talk to him and just reassure him that it’s all coinsidental, to me it sounds very harmless but maybe he was not in a confident mood that day and our moods makes it easy to project our insecurities onto others.
    Think back if this is not the first time he has behaved this way then it’s likely you’ll always face these issues with him. If not then it’s just a learning curve and you’ll also be in his shoes one day as we all experience all emotions at one point, the problem is if we stay in that negative emotion.

  12. Babe

    November 18, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    Hmmm…if he does not trust you, you don’t have to go into the marriage. My life is hell now because I married an insecured man who embarrass me every where- work place, church, neighbours, my childhood friends, the list is endless. To him I sleep with every man I speak to. And he has chased everyone from me. Please be very sure you can handle it. I am currently not on any social media. No BBM, no Facebook, not even whatapp just to please him yet it does not work. Please be sure!

    • Omotola

      December 23, 2015 at 6:15 am

      Am also in this kind of relationship.Married to an insecured Man.All my life ve been abused verbally n even physically.But am still in it 1 for my kids 2 for our culture 3 for my mum cos 2 of my siblings already left there marriages cos of abuse n if i leave too it ll b dishearten to my mum n 4 Though i work but my hubby recently lost his where he manages cos of his habit(drinking to stupor n smoking.)He’s a graduate of building tech,virtually everything at home is been taken care of by me still.Am on a payroll of #70k.The list goes on n on n on.1st tyme comment

  13. Bukky

    November 18, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    Egbami! Please don’t listen to what all these ones are saying o. You should dump him ke? For what? It’s a long distance relationship . What do you expect ? He isn’t with you . He is jealous which is normal and even good . It’s another scenario if you guys stay in the same city . Put yourself in his shoes . I’m sure you’ll never take that from any girl

  14. Tosin

    November 18, 2015 at 6:39 pm

    without reading the letter, i’ll just say yes. if you have to ask, then, yeah probably.

    ok, let me read.

    • Tosin

      November 18, 2015 at 6:47 pm

      lol, yeah, you should actually “cheat on him” with your “mate”
      your boyfriend is basically seeing more in this friend of yours than you have allowed yourself to see. Upgrade the friend. When boyfriend starts crying, tell him it was actually his idea. 🙂

    • FasholasLover

      November 19, 2015 at 12:47 am

      [email protected], your dark humour gets me all the time.

  15. Naomi

    November 18, 2015 at 6:42 pm

    Na wa for BNers, dump him bawo?
    From side hug to full kiss na so e dey start. Be discerning ladies, what if the guy raped her in the house while dressing up? why must she feed him? why must she hitch a ride with him? why couldnt he wait outside till she was ready? You are in a LDR and you didnt mention your boo was online to this clasmate even once? Haba!!!
    Please young lady dont encourage friendships from other men when you are in a serious relationship. Many men dont understand friendliness, they might think you are flirting.
    Please nurture your relationship. You and ur boo are the stakeholders only, not your old classmate and certainly not BNers.

    • Chidinma

      November 18, 2015 at 8:03 pm

      Most sensible comment

  16. nwanyi na aga aga

    November 18, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    “Please young lady don’t encourage friendships from other men when you are in a serious relationship.” – This line here is why women marry abusive men, this is the mentality that makes women want to die in the hand of a man that hates them, why? because they have chased away every friend they would have had. Please dear women relationship is not the end of life. If you have visions of a career, a business, another ambition apart from marriage in life, kindly disregard that line, it is poison. Continuously network, make friends, get to know new people with similar interests, its for the future, a man that loves you would come and understand what all those people, men and women are doing in your life, he will encourage and not truncate it. Dont imprison yourself in this world of over 7billion people because of one person…unless that is your sole target in life. Check out men, they never stop making friends, in marriage or out of it.

  17. Lexy

    November 18, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    Some years back i was in a LDR and a similar situation played out. I thought it was love o. We got married, he was insecure possessive kept me away from family and friends and he beat me black and blue.
    Darling leave now. All i see is a possessive man who in the future will not even allow you leave the house. I have been down this road and i tell you, you will cry and ask God what you did to deserve such a man.
    Love is patient, kind, slow to anger… i don’t not see this in your story.

    • Blackbeauty

      November 19, 2015 at 8:43 am

      My dear lady,
      I too was in a LDR, similar situation played out, we talked it through. the place of COMMUNICATION cannot be over emphasised in a LDR. We are married now, he is not insecure or possessive in any way, has never laid a hand on me.
      so you see, every relationship is different. Have a heart-heart talk with your man, pray about it and try to be as objective as possible.
      IMHO, Larz has given you the best counsel.
      Goodluck!

  18. Adaeze Writes

    November 18, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    I feel that one way or the other, many of us are insecure. However, in this case, questions you should ask yourself are; Is this the first time he’s acting like this?
    You guys might need to have a long talk, and revisit the intentions behind your intended marriage. I really don’t think he’s so possessive or that he’ll be abusive in future either. Just talk to him and make sure you say what’s on your mind and listen to his side then make up your mind.

  19. Puzzles

    November 18, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    This is why i don’t like LDR. The red flags are not as obvious as they would have been if they saw each other often

  20. Mz Titilitious

    November 19, 2015 at 10:04 am

    to me he isnt possessive its just lack of Trust..

  21. Ella

    November 19, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    Please Please END your relationship instantly! these are classic signs of a man with low self esteem, trust issues and a severe case of irrationality. you havent seen it properly and in its full form because you are far away from each other BUT TRUST ME, he is possessive and will make you miserable.

  22. Dez

    November 19, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    He is just insecured and not possessive. P.S. Public forum is bad for good advice.

  23. Naomi

    November 19, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    Madam, issues are usually magnified in a LDR. Why? Presence. He’s not there with you, not by your side. So he wants to know what his boo is up to, Please open ALL forms of communication.
    You did not mention him to this classmate even in the same house, u dint say ur boo was online, and you are wondering why he’s “possesive’?
    Wonder wonderer till we turn to wonderer!!! So he shouldnt ask questions abi?
    You are being defensive here instead of reassuring him of your love and simply explaining to him.
    Break up now, BNers will give u another boo abi?

  24. HatsOff

    November 20, 2015 at 8:43 am

    So many ways in which this case can be evaluated. But, young lady, this is just one scenario. I personally do not think this is enough to tag someone as being possessive. To add to that, long distance has its challenges oh. No lie!! You watch your partner online go out with some other guy. Sometimes it’s not necessarily about being insecure. One can just feel helpless, in the sense that you want to be there with your partner and you can’t settle with the idea that someone else is taking her out instead of you. But, then again, he might just be insecure. My dear, that’s for you to find out. All the best!

  25. zee

    November 22, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    Nwanyi na ga aga I support you 100%. He is probably doing something wrong behind her back and trying to project it on her.. I have been there. My dear you did nothing wrong and do not apologize if not you would keep apologizing even wen he wrongs you.don’t show men too much concern it back fires..bin married for almost three years now..im talking from experience

  26. bee

    November 22, 2015 at 11:17 pm

    You need trust for a long distance relationship to work. This guy clearly has trust issues.

  27. smiley face

    December 7, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    Dear poster,

    I have had a similar experience. For my type of person, I keep mostly male friends because they happen to be more loyal and trustworthy than females. On this particular day, a very close friend was coming by, he informed me that day, and immediately i told my boyfriend about it. He was so displeased and was asking why a guy would just want to come over in such short notice. After much explanations, he asked me to inform him when the dude was around.

    When my friend came around, I informed my boyfriend, and guess what he asked me to do? He asked me to take a picture of myself. I sent him a half picture and he insisted that he wanted a full size picture. I had to diplomatically ask my friend to take me this picture as it had been a long time i sent my boyfriend a full size picture.

    You wont believe that this guy told me I was not dressed indecently. As if i knew something like that was going to come up. I made sure i didn’t put on earrings, I wore leggings and a lil bit above the knee gown. He told me that leggings should be worn only for my man and not for outsiders. I was so shocked.

    This is just one example out of his many policing. He virtually made me cut off communication with my male friends, I was in bondage. The relationship lasted for less than 6 months because it became obvious to me that the dude didn’t trust me one bit. Also, he had insecurity issues

    Lady, you are not married to this man and he is already reacting like this, imagine when you are married. Such men would one day accuse you of having an affair with the gate man. I would advice you monitor and see if this is a persistent behavior and decide if you can cope with this for life. All the best dear.

  28. Buchi

    February 1, 2016 at 4:45 pm

    Sha! she will now kill her self cos she is in a relationship… abi?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Get The Pan-Atlantic Advantage

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php