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Toby Nwazor: 7 Things Unmarried Women Do Not Deserve

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I heard the word ‘parody’ for the first time when I wrote a highly opinionated article for a top personal development blog in the U.S earlier this year. Just like I expected, some of the blog readers felt threatened and they asked for my head. Others thought the article was a parody so they kept their cool.

That article wasn’t a parody, but this one is.  So please don’t crucify me in the comment section. Rather, relax and enjoy my first real attempt at parody.

Actually a lot of articles have been written of, by, and for single women in the past. I recently read an article by Yetunde Olasiyan on three things single women do not deserve, and I commend her. But then, why settle for three when you can have seven? That’s why I decided to add my voice to the already saturated topic and increase mine to seven.

Below is my tongue-in-cheek list of seven things every not-yet married woman does not deserve.

A flourishing career
Please, please and please, you do not have any business looking for a job, let alone keeping one. Your major reason for existence is to get married and bear someone’s children. This purpose should not be jeopardized for any reason.

Fine, we can tolerate you having and keeping a job, but please, why on earth should you aim for a promotion? Why should you even desire a raise? This is the main reason you are no longer focused on your single major purpose: getting married.

Resign if you have to. Reject that promotion too. You do not deserve to have a flourishing career, period. Wanna know why? Of course it is because you are not yet married, durrh.

Happiness in any form
What the heck are you smiling at? What on earth is the reason behind those 32 set of white teeth I see you flashing around? Listen up babe; you do not deserve to be happy if you have not yet said ‘I do’.  You should be sad, perpetually crying, and mourning your miserable not-yet-married state.

Save all that smile, laughter and joy for the day you finally get married. Until then, you shouldn’t be happy, period.

A car
Are you fu**ing kidding me? Who on earth told you to buy a car? Listen up babe; I’m here to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sell that car or give it out immediately. You are single goddamnit! It doesn’t matter where you are working (why on earth are you even working? Please read the first point again), it doesn’t matter how much you earn too.

You don’t deserve to even learn how to drive a car till you get married. And the same goes for any other ‘luxury’ like flying or travelling abroad.

Investments, especially landed properties.
Did I just hear you say you want to buy a property? Jeez! What is wrong with you! Are you married? No! Then No, you shouldn’t make that investment!

I don’t even know how you managed to have all that money in the first place. Or did you not read the first point about you not having a flourishing career? Fine let’s assume you have already broken that all important rule, but please don’t make things worse by investing that money.

What you should do is keep it in an account and finally wait for the lucky dude that will come and rescue you from your not-yet married state. For marrying and rescuing you, he deserves to be rewarded with all your savings.

A second degree or any form of advanced learning.
Wait a minute sister; have you completely lost your mind? Did you just say you want to get a second degree and do a professional course? Oh, you even want to do it abroad?

Are you crazy? Is it not bad enough that you even got a first degree without getting married?

The problem is that you have not yet understood that getting married is the sole reason for your existence. If you did, you would not consider any form of higher learning until it happens.

Your own apartment
Oh my God! Someone should wake me up from this nightmare. You wanna rent your own apartment when you haven’t gotten married? Wait, you even want to buy the house? My dear, e be like say dem dey follow you from village o!

If your parents don’t live in the same town with you, squat with a relative. I don’t care if it takes you three hours to get to work, bear it gallantly like an honourable single woman that understands her purpose.

Any form of luxury or celebration.
You just celebrated your birthday last week, and you had fun, abi? You then went further to buy a plasma TV and an accompanying home theater set. As if those are not enough, you are even using a tablet and an expensive phone.

Listen up dear; if John Lewis or Mark Spencer is not your husband’s name, you shouldn’t be wearing his shoe or using his handbag. You should be managing life until your ‘knight in starched agbada’ comes to rescue you.

Lastly, are there other things you think I left out? Let’s discuss in the comment section.

In case you missed the introduction, this is a parody. It’s a tongue-in-cheek article with an exaggerated form of sarcasm.

My conclusion: I believe and preach that life is meant to be lived and not existed in. That means that nothing should stop you from living your best life at any point in time. Waiting for a perfect time, condition or person before you give your best shot at life is an anomalous anathema. Don’t fall for that trap. Live your best life now!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Mimagephotography 

Toby Nwazor is a free lance writer and motivational speaker who believes that life is meant to be lived and not just existed in. He is equally an entrepreneur with a lot of hands-on experience in business start-ups, marketing, and customer service. He passionately writes every Monday and Wednesday on www.mystartupceo.com about helping entrepreneurs and aspiring entrepreneurs build successful start-ups

50 Comments

  1. Mz Titilitious

    November 20, 2015 at 11:07 am

    waiting for comments…..

    • Toby Nwazor

      November 23, 2015 at 1:21 pm

      As in eh…. I follow wait too, and the comments were worth it

  2. natty

    November 20, 2015 at 11:11 am

    I just remembered a convo I had with some guy I had gone on a few dates with. He goes, Ha! you want to buy a car, you won’t find husband oh” Then he goes on to explain how all his female colleagues at work met their husbands when they didn’t have cars, and how two met theirs at bus stop. I insisted I was going to get myself a ride, he goes on to say, you must public transport at times so man will see you on the road . I just weak

    • ElessarisEllendil

      November 20, 2015 at 12:58 pm

      Sha, as you’re cruising in your Jeep, not every time cruise lone, occasionally stop and give guys a ride. You never know……………………..

    • Grapes

      November 20, 2015 at 2:00 pm

      BN u suppose put dislike button for agbaya comments like this. First of all, where did u see natty say she wants to buy a jeep??? Secondly, she should just randomly give strange men a ride because according to you “you never know”. Abeg natty cruise your car alone or anyhow u like it. There is no black/white approach to meeting a man and getting married.

    • Mabel

      November 21, 2015 at 12:40 am

      @Natty, your story is one of the funniest I have read all weak. I take the subway and I don’t see piles of men lining up to meet me because I am taking public transit. Get your car, girl! Life is too short to wait for a man to make your life happen. A strong man is never intimidated by a woman who has her shit together.

      1
    • Toby Nwazor

      November 23, 2015 at 1:23 pm

      Lol @ natty. I have a little idea of how you must have felt. It’s quite unfortunate that many men feel intimidated by a woman’s perceived success. Shouldn’t be!

    • MEE

      December 4, 2015 at 3:14 pm

      Not men, boys!!

  3. Iris

    November 20, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Just watch. There’s going to be at least one person who still won’t realise that this article is being deliberately facetious. Why? Because they won’t read or even skim what they have clicked open before scrolling down to comment.

    • Toby Nwazor

      November 23, 2015 at 1:34 pm

      Hahahahahahaha @ Iris. And your prophecy finally came to pass, (insert evil grin). lmao

  4. GoAndMarry

    November 20, 2015 at 11:25 am

    If he tells you not to interact with the opposite sex, my sister u v no other option, you have to listen to what he says so he will marry you.
    If he tells you not to go to a get together or party of your friend, u beta kukuma sit ya ass down n not go anywhere so he can marry you.
    If while dating him, he tells you that you are free to mingle with oda guys but gets annoyed seeing you talking to a dude, (2) Gets annoyed you also found out he keeps multiple intimate rlships outside yours… my sister calm down so that he can marry you after all they say most men if not all men cheat.
    My dear Sister if you are exposed and enlightened and he gets or feel intimidated at God’s ‘bestowment’ of wisdom, intelligence, discernment and knowledge about life…hey girl you v to stoop so low to a level lower than his so that he can marry you… I understand that afterall it was this exposed, intelligent, wise, discerning, knowledgeable traits of yours that got him tripping and dangerously in love with you..now he cant marry you with those traits…so pipe low oo so that you can marry and post wedding pixs on social media.

    My dear Kpo nkpi i will be back for more…

  5. ese

    November 20, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Naa,all the points had similar format. Should have switched it up a bit.

  6. Icey

    November 20, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Oh Toby, you got me in stitches, you forgot to add respect. You how know respect automatically goes hand in hand with “Mrs”.

  7. King Bey

    November 20, 2015 at 11:34 am

    Bellanaija and marriage issue, nawa look

  8. lala

    November 20, 2015 at 11:46 am

    love this! put a huge smile 😉 on my face

  9. Blondie

    November 20, 2015 at 11:49 am

    Oh not again!!!!! Too much emphasis on how or single ladies should live/act even making it more offensive and annoying!!! Can we live???? Do this, don’t do that… Na wa ooo

    • Puzzles

      November 20, 2015 at 12:12 pm

      You should have read the article…

    • Morolake

      November 20, 2015 at 12:16 pm

      Aunty Blondie…. You still didn’t get what the post was all about. Pele.

      Calm down, read again, understand, then come back to comment.

    • emeraldish

      November 20, 2015 at 12:22 pm

      THIS IS A PARODY, PLEASE READ BEFOR YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

    • whocares

      November 20, 2015 at 3:01 pm

      *palm face* and to think the man even wrote a disclaimer of sorts at the beginning explaining that this IS a parody… Parody or not, this topic is not for me, but cut him some slack. He did state his intentions, acknowledged that it IS a saturated topic and said it IS a tongue in cheek article. what more do you want?!?!?

    • Doxa

      November 20, 2015 at 3:19 pm

      Iris said it.

    • lapetite

      November 20, 2015 at 9:06 pm

      Kai. Go and read the article.

  10. jasmine

    November 20, 2015 at 11:55 am

    Hahahahaha, yes, u forgot to add respect and any form of assistance from married people plus friendship from married people. Lmao

  11. Queen of Everything

    November 20, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    My ex once suggested I shouldn’t do a Masters because I was “smart enough and very opinionated” already… That was the beginning of the end of that relationship.

    • udyluv

      November 22, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      No mind am. Abeg go for ur masters while there is still time.

  12. l

    November 20, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    that article definitely went in…. as for me im tired with all these conditions single ladies have to face just cause we want to settle down.. at least for the desperate ones, they will do anything. ive resigned oh! right now im focusing on my relationship with God.

    • landlord

      April 25, 2018 at 3:13 pm

      your relationship with God,o jare

    • landlord

      April 25, 2018 at 3:32 pm

      One more thing Nkiru. Please learn to get close to a dictionary. One would’ve certainly saved you from this whole lot of embarrassment you unnecessarily attracted to your insecure self, by this thoughtless and unduly lengthy comment of yours…. no hard feelings though.just a suggestion

  13. Great Lady

    November 20, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    Nice one Toby. I’m happy our generation is getting free from this get married or die mentality, so our children wouldn’t have to go through this nonsense.

    • Toby Nwazor

      November 23, 2015 at 1:32 pm

      Thank you great lady.

  14. yeyeperry

    November 20, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    I really love this article. it reminds me of how much I can achieve in the ‘waiting’ period instead of worrying myself silly about not meeting MR X.

  15. lexira

    November 20, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Thank God this generation is different oh
    Any how u wan flex life do am but one thing I dey sure of be say to be single no be sin
    Add up n order for your virgin coconut oil 2ab2ea1d

  16. Ogbongbemi

    November 20, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    While I enjoyed the article, it just reminded of the societal issues being single connotes in Nigeria. It’s not like being married is fun for most except only on social media.
    Personally hoping to have loads of fun in the ambit of propriety while single.

  17. ACE

    November 21, 2015 at 12:57 am

    It’s a joke !

  18. Nkiru Ophelia

    November 21, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Read the article, and its catchy,

    My opinion on this is it would have been a great write-up if the the author defined himself as a sick sadist with no regards to the woman race or people but he is defined as ” a free lance writer who believes that life is meant to be lived and not just existed in. He passionately writes about helping other people live their best lives NOW”

    Now a person who writes such an article which aims at demoralizing and discouraging single women,who are also people in general and defines himself as a” person passionate to helping people” is a psychotic. Yes you Mr Toby is mental challenged.
    You can’t be a Sadist and Counselor at the same time, its not possible. So Mr Toby you need help.
    Women don’t exist solely to cater and help men who only believe they are men when they suppress women.

    I understand your anger, being Mr Toby you are an unsuccessful freelance writer and unpublished writer, when the likes of Chimamanda are busy taking the spotlight..

    I understand you are frustration that the single women are acquiring properties and cars while you are busy jumping from bus to keke in your N200 Coat under the scorching sun and into your little ,unfurnished bedroom.

    I understand your bitterness ,that your ex girl friend left you, and yet she is smiling and shining her teeth and happy,because she rather be single than spend a second with you a low life sadist..

    Its okay to lash out to the whole single women out there ,we understand. And we have read your article,but we don’t feel anything,not because we can’t, but because we choose to.

    Because we understand no matter how many times you lash out to us,no matter how many times you write-up things like this to. We will always be 100% more successful than you.

    And even if you become successful, a lot of single women out there will always be more successful than you.

    God Bless

    PS :Next time ,write an article on Women who are more successful than their spouse. and its effect on global warming

    • gu

      November 21, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      Are you kidding? It’s a parody. It’s not that serious biko.

    • MC

      November 21, 2015 at 3:36 pm

      HUH!?!?!

    • Dr.N

      November 21, 2015 at 4:18 pm

      Read the article and it is catchy ke?

    • Toby Nwazor

      November 23, 2015 at 1:27 pm

      Nkiru Ophelia, your comment had me in stitches. Seriously! I was reading and laughing all through. I found it amusing because I imagined how you will feel if you actually come back, read the post (especially the disclaimer at the beginning) and realize that I am actually on your side, and not against you.

    • Chizzy

      September 9, 2016 at 9:06 am

      You really shouldn’t have bothered with a reply…

  19. Tessa Doghor

    November 22, 2015 at 1:15 am

    Great article
    I see some ladies are still pissed at the article.
    Relax, he’s actually on your side.

    • Toby Nwazor

      November 23, 2015 at 1:30 pm

      @ Tessa thank you jare. And to think that I even begged not to be crucified, still . . .

  20. udyluv

    November 22, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    I Don laugh die for this article. Anyway thanks for sharing cos I was so unhappy initially but with this article, I am now happy. Singles, pls live and enjoy ur life to the fullest. It is very important oooo.

    • Toby Nwazor

      November 23, 2015 at 1:31 pm

      You are welcome Udyluv. I am glad it lifted your spirit. That alone has made my day. Cheers.

  21. Aby

    November 22, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    Lol…i had to comment.
    It seems the sarcasm in this article was lost somewhere along the line….or…people (ladies) getting angry didn’t read the article ni?
    Like Tessa said, he is actually on your side…that’s how best i can explain it 🙂

  22. Diuto

    November 24, 2015 at 12:07 am

    Nice and entertaining

  23. Moi

    December 5, 2015 at 7:15 pm

    This one got me…hahahaha. The other day some colleagues were arguing with me about how this single lady that bought a car shouldn’t have, and saying that some people even warned her not to but she got the car, and now she’s still single. One of dem said all the guys she has been meeting recently approached her on the road, it was very funny. To think i was the crazy and unreasonable one in the argument. Dis mata needs serious checking, prayer and deliverance from foolish ways of thinking walahi!

  24. changing moniker

    February 26, 2016 at 4:49 pm

    I laughed and laughed… You’re such a good writer Toby… I’m going back to read all your articles

  25. Nonso Nwagbo

    March 9, 2018 at 5:18 pm

    He’s a very good writer. The article really caught my attention.

    • Toby Nwazor

      April 13, 2019 at 6:23 am

      Thanks man

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