A few nights ago at Bay lounge, I sat with my girls, Ure, Ulo and Ij who had just come in from the US to Nigeria for the holiday. There was also Toyin and Nonye who are full-time Lagos residents like me; and as you would guess (seeing as we were all single, independent women *bite me*), we started on the topic of men… and before long, we zeroed in on the unique men of Lagos. By the time we had dished on our experiences, Ulo could only exclaim: “It’s almost epidemic how many unsuitable characters are roaming this city”, and she is totally right.
It is amazing to me that in a city where men and women interact all the time — and seem to be having the time of their lives — some guys are still so fundamentally wrong. Some men are no longer just frogs waiting for a kiss to turn into a prince, they have mutated to eternal toads that won’t turn into princes or even common men no matter how many princesses kiss them.
Who is tired of kissing these “toads”, abeg? Find below seven archetypal types of guys that women in Lagos need to stay away from so that they do not waste their time. I have compiled this list from the conversations my friends and I had regarding the behaviors women dislike in the men here in Lagos. But don’t worry if you recognize some of the following traits in yourself – most of them aren’t deal-breakers…or are they?
Bode, the rich son
There are so many versions of Bode in Lagos. Bode is usually from a wealthy home, he is not necessarily intelligent, but he is well-educated (B.Sc and M.Sc in UK or America), and well-travelled. The thing about Bode’s background is that it either makes him very lazy or very proud.
Proud Bode is the overbearing narcissist who thinks very highly of himself. He believes he is God’s gift to you and is doing you a favor just by looking at you, even if you are his class. He is condescending and scornful, he will not let you forget that his shoes are original Salvatore Ferragamo or that his Mercedes was bought from the showroom; and when he gets you a gift, he will never let you forget how expensive it is.
When you get in a relationship with him, you find Bode is a compulsive liar and cheater. He is possessive, ultra jealous, almost always wants to get intimate way too soon.
Lazy Bode, on the other hand, lives in a rented apartment on Banana Island or Ikoyi but never invests his money on land or stocks. He does not seem to have any sort of idea of what he wants to do with his life, and so he just feeds off his parents with pride. He really is not worth anything, but dude is always decorating his persona. He drops names in between conversations so that you can know how important he is or how connected he is. And have you also noticed that Bode generally likes to gossip as well? Please, avoid Bode at all cost.
Jide, the Dutch Master
You will almost always hear Jide referring to girls in general as materialistic and gold diggers, simply because he cannot wrap his mind around the fact that as a man, he should give his woman gifts. He will invite a girl to lunch and then subtly suggest they go Dutch. In fact, he makes her feel like they are on a tight budget from the very first date. He never splurges to buy his girl anything that would cost him much. Treats are non-existent; gifts, grudgingly given, are of low-value and with little thought given to them.
Even at the honeymoon stage, he would fly the girl on holiday in that budget airline. On several dates, he would mention that he left his wallet and will never pay back after she takes the cheque. It is not like Jide is stingy, he just does not understand why he should share or gift the substance of his toil to anyone else. This kind of guy finds it hard to propose to any girl; he can be 45 and still be contemplating. Do you really want to wait that long to find out?
Nonso, the hustling hustler
Nonso is the struggling music artiste or retired Yahoo-Yahoo guy who is too lazy to get a job because he is hoping that he will soon “blow”. He claims to have a side hustle and is jack of all trades. He has no realistic vision – he has all kinds of dreams but no plans to achieve them; his sole aim in life is to make money no matter what it takes. He takes advantage of all a girl has to offer, including her body and heart. Worst part is, Nonso has an excuse for everything. He blames his ‘ill fortune’ on a poor upbringing, uncaring parents, family curse or even the government. Funny thing about Nonso is that he can be generous when he has made the money; but enjoy that money with him and he believes that you are indebted to him for life. His one true love is money, why compete with that?
Toye, the hooked but “unhappy”
Toye is the most upsetting of all these men. He is a silver-tongued demagogue who lies about everything. He leads you to believe that he is trapped in a loveless marriage or relationship, that you are his saving grace and he is going to eventually leave his girlfriend, fiancée, wife or sometimes, even children for you. Unfortunately, half of what Toye is telling you is a lie. He is obviously unable to stay faithful to the woman he made a commitment to, and is manipulating his situation so that you feel sorry for him and fall for all of his lies. And let’s not even talk about the diseases you are likely to get from him because most times, you are not the only one. When he is finally done with you, he will tell you how his wife has learned of your relationship and disappear, leaving you with Herpes. What is it with the allure of the taken man, really? No matter how handsome or alluring, Toye must be avoided.
Ochuko, the Leeching Lover
It is so hard to resist Ochuko because he is almost always handsome, smooth with words, attentive and good in the sack. He first seems like a super nice guy who is going through some tough times, but in truth, he is a parasite, waiting for you to work and feed him. He has no job and no plans on ever getting one. He never has anything to offer but always wants to receive from you. What is worse is that he’s got champagne taste on a beer budget and knows how to manipulate his way into your wallet to support the lavish lifestyle he desperately wants. He is the dude you see driving his girlfriend’s car to work, living in and having parties in his girlfriend’s apartment, and even paying tithe on behalf of his girlfriend’s monthly cheque. Good thing is, it is easy to spot Ochuko though. Very often, he is the one that tells you he loves you way too early with hope that you are desperate enough to believe him, he gives you the impression he wants to settle down and you are his choice, e.t.c. Ladies, please, never allow Ochuko in your life because when you go broke, he will leave you and start looking for other prospective ATMs.
Oche, the church brother
It is painful that the good sisters are the ones who always fall prey to Oche. Oche seems nearly perfect: he does not just go to church, he has a relationship with God, and he is active in a service unit – possibly an usher or instrumentalist. He has a good job, seems responsible and is level-headed. He is, however, also self-righteous and too secretive. He “does not” drink or smoke, and does not hesitate to tell others to follow suit. He will tell a girl that God revealed her as the one for him , and from the very first date, he will preach to her, asking her to quit alcohol, stop wearing certain hairdos , cosmetics , clothes e.t.c as they are unholy, but he will be the first to kiss her on the date, “skiz” her mammary gland and whip out his “uhlala” when he takes her back to the apartment. He is a wolf in sheep clothing. It is hard to trust him because he seems to always have a hidden agenda. He is unpredictable and almost always turns out to be someone else in the long run. Run!
Kola, the Misogynist
As far as I know, Kola is an uncultured ‘razzite’. He is not only a chauvinist, he has a lot of insecurities; he is incredibly shallow, bitter and abusive. You should be able to spot Kola from the start. He makes no secret of his cynicism toward women as he insists on making rude and insulting comments about women every single chance he gets, refusing to be courteous when situation call for him to be. When out with his girlfriend, he does not try to hide the fact that he is checking out other women while in her presence; he flirts with the waitress and he even goes as far as to bragging about his past conquests. Overall, he lacks respect for women. Kola does not hesitate to slap his girlfriend for airing an opinion or beating her up the minute he feels a fresh burst of testosterone. He is somehow still stuck in the Stone Age when men were filled with the erroneous notion that they were superior to women and could treat them anyhow. Sure, there are possible reasons why he might have turned out the way he is, but that should not be your problem, just stay away.
Nnamdi, The ‘Mumu’ lover
Now, I have never actually met this guy (I have only heard of him), but apparently, he is “the nice guy”. Nnamdi picks the girl up for a date and takes her at home afterwards; he is attentive and calls all the time; never argues, always agrees to every word that falls from his girls lips; compliments her all the time; and surprises her with gifts and little acts of kindness. He is emotional, expressive, generous, romantic, forgiving, and most times patient…everything a woman wants, isn’t it? Unfortunately, most women in Lagos are independent strong women and these qualities might be nice, but they are no longer enough. You see, Nnamdi also nags doubts himself and needs constant reassurance about his relationships, meanwhile, confidence and independence are very sexy traits in a man which most women in Lagos who are looking for a strong partner they can lean on, look out for. Truth be told, as a woman, you would never be able to respect a man who has a low self-esteem. So, better to say goodbye now, while it is still good, and save yourself from impending drama.
Aside from the eight listed above, other types of men you may have come across include Dami (the Momma’s boy), Ifeanyi (the Mr. I Am Always Broke), and Afolabi (the “My ex is my best friend” man e.t.c. Does your ‘guy’ fall under any of these categories? have you had an experience with any of these guys, or maybe you have another to add to the list?
Please share your story or add a comment in the box below, you never know whose time you could save.