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Aunty Bella: Miss. Religious Differences

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. To submit any problem for the BN fam to help you tackle, you can email us –www.bellanaija.com/team or leave it as a comment.

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I met this really great guy months ago and we clicked right away. In order to avoid future conundrum, I told him straight away that although I was born into a Christian household, I was not a practising Christian and had no intention of becoming one in the future. Reason being that, I have experienced first hand, that religion does not lead to spirituality. Sure, it gives you guidelines that can help you be a better person, but that’s where it stops.

Being a truly spiritual person starts from within. The pure in heart will always see God, regardless of race or religious affiliations and the thieving, murderous, scum of the earth will not see God simply because they are Christians or Muslims or Jews. Organised religion is a tool used by the powerful to control the minds of the general population. Organised religion is the number one cause of chaos in the world. I believe in a creator, and I believe that this creator is a force of nature that resides within everything created. Taking care of plants, animals, the environment and other humans, is worshipping God in my opinion. If you fail to do all of these, yet frequent the church or mosque, you may as well be Godless.

This guy was so agreeable, claiming he is a non religious Christian himself and that what I believe in resonates with him. I was elated, because for people like me, options of life partners are limited in this part of the world. All was fine and good, until recently when he started giving me ultimatums.

“I want a god-fearing wife who prays with me cause marriage is built on prayers and strong faith”. I told him I’m God fearing, just not in the way he understands it, and we can pray together, I’ll just not pray in jesus name, and even if I do. I believe my prayer to the creator is just as effective without any religion.

The problem now is that I have fallen head over heels, family introductions have been made and wedding planning is under way. I believe a middle ground can be found, and that we can work our differences to create strength. Who knows, in the future i may still retain my worldview but decide to actively practice christianity or something else, because I believe ideas and beliefs are evolutionary not static.

Until then, I do not want to be forced to claim I believe something I don’t, because everyone’s journey is not the same and I didn’t get to this point in my belief system overnight. Do you guys think I’m clutching on straws or is there a chance for us?

~ Suezannah

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109 Comments

  1. Dee

    February 7, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    ? some dey find husband others dey talk another tin… See let’s call a spade a spade and not a farming tool.. You can’t meet in the middle it’s not a debate neither is it House of Parliament… Leave the man and go…both of you will meet your respective halfs but it might just take u longer …

    • nnenne

      February 7, 2016 at 9:18 pm

      That simply means that two of you are not a fit. So move on. That’s what courting is all about. … find a fit, stick with him/ her or move on early enough!

    • Hotspice_yimu

      February 7, 2016 at 9:23 pm

      I tire oh. Who get cap no get head and who get head no get cap. Please leave him for a God-fearing sister no need to plaster a wall that the foundation is not solid. Some men sef like impossibility.

    • nie-m

      February 7, 2016 at 10:33 pm

      I am an atheist and at first Nigerian guys will be forming I understand. After they will start saying, – u must be christian, payers, etc – i used my leg waka to oyibo, aint nobody got time for that shit- if your agnosticism means this much to you, aunty take a walk!

    • kiki

      February 8, 2016 at 8:07 am

      I hope you find Jesus. ☺

    • D

      February 17, 2016 at 6:23 pm

      Jesus is the Way, The Truth and The Life

    • Yeyeperry

      February 8, 2016 at 9:41 am

      There are certain things/problems that require boned faith to overcome. No marriage can work without the both of being “equally yoked”. God forbid you have problems, He goes to church (or stays at home) and prays in Jesus name to his God, you will pray to who? nature? If both of you don’t have the same (faith) stand then don’t go into it.

    • yeyeperry

      February 8, 2016 at 10:32 am

      *bonded

    • slice

      February 8, 2016 at 2:44 pm

      And yet fashola and his wife hv Ben married tey tey

    • Amaka

      February 13, 2016 at 10:28 pm

      Do you live with Fashola and wife? Don’t compare yourself to other people. I’ll advise this girl to leave the man because he will never feel fulfilled. He wants to be with a woman who will attend church with him. Since you can’t do that, move on. Marriage is life long.

  2. Blueberry

    February 7, 2016 at 8:42 pm

    You need to build your marriage on a solid rock. That rock to me, is Christ Jesus…

    I understand you are atheist. Your future husband is a Christian, and doesnt seem to understand your views. You both need to settle this before D-day. If you are going to be spending the rest of your lives together, religious tolerance is highly adviced.

    • CovertNigerian

      February 7, 2016 at 9:02 pm

      You need to lookup what the word atheist means. The writer only mentioned a non-belief in organized religion, that’s not the same thing as being as atheist.

    • A Real Nigerian

      February 7, 2016 at 9:25 pm

      She is not an atheist. You don’t know what an atheist is.
      Please, Miss Religious Differences, don’t listen to her. You don’t need Christ as a solid rock. There are countless happy marriages without anything like Christ in them.
      Don’t be deceived.

    • Christ the foundation

      February 8, 2016 at 4:37 am

      Please how do you know they are happily married? Are you inside the marriages you speak of? Christ is the foundation of marriage. Because the world wants to dictate their own definition of marriage, homosexuality and all sorts have redefined the purpose of marriage. The principles for a successful Marriage are from the bible.

    • femi

      April 17, 2016 at 5:39 pm

      i pray you don’t regret that one day. Jesus is the rock of any life. If you don’t believe don’t discourage others

    • Iya Eko

      February 7, 2016 at 10:13 pm

      But she never said she was an Atheist.

      She expressed her beliefs from the start and he agreed with her. I think she should run from this man. He claims to be a christian but has compromised his beliefs to get her or rather like a typical man, has said and agreed to whatever it took to ‘get’ her, now he is forming we need to be equally yoked.

      My dear Suezannah, all that justification you gave for what you believe was totally unnecessary, you believe what you believe. If he is not ok with it, you are lucky he has made it know before the formal ceremonies. The choice is yours really. If you are up for the fight that will come from going into this marriage, then more power to you. No one can tell you or give you advice that will not include praying to God, so you decide based on what you believe.

      I am a Christian and I have been faced with pretty much the same. I dated some one I had known as a Christian for more than half of my life for 4 years and one day, he decided to become a Muslim. I had to make a decision. It wasn’t hard though… he was married to a muslimah within 6 months, go figure.

      My point, is to do what your heart tells you to do. Carry on.

    • suezannah

      February 7, 2016 at 11:01 pm

      Thanks so much. I don’t meet tolerant and understanding Christians like you in the real world. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn’t reject so strongly the religious cloak people hide under to hurt others.

  3. Saminu Eedris

    February 7, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    Hello Suezannah,

    This your matter is that kind of matter that is very complicated, you asked him and he claimed a non religious Christian himself, and now he wants a wife who he can pray together with. You are O.Y.O

  4. Tolu

    February 7, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    Ajoke, please get me some cold water make I pour am for this babe’s head……

  5. A Real Nigerian

    February 7, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    “Organised religion is a tool used by the powerful to control the minds of the general population. Organised religion is the number one cause of chaos in the world. I believe in a creator, and I believe that this creator is a force of nature that resides within
    everything created.”

    WOW. What a wonderful and thoughtful woman you are.
    Tell that to the minions and zombies who see the likes of Oyedepo and Adebayo or Adeboye or whatever his name is as some sort of messiahs. That’s how they call that RCCG man “daddy” or “baba”… urgh. Wretch inducing.
    These clowns that attend Living Faith, RCCG, Dunamis and so on are too blind and too stupid to see how they are being used to fund a personal business all in the name of religion. These men actively receive funds from corrupt politicians, preach all about prosperity and little about salvation, and have church elders of questionable character. Yet, their brain-dead members continue to support them passionately. So sad.
    I heard that Oyedepo man is having his child take over his ministry and keeps primarily using church funds to build more universities that 98% of his members can’t afford to send their kids to. LOOOOL!!

    With that said, please, even if you are madly in love, don’t ever settle for less. Religious differences can and will break a marriage and he might never change to accommodate you, and this will lead to a failed and joyless marriage.
    Do you want to live the rest of your life unhappy all in the name of “I was in love”?
    You seem like a sensible person, make the right choice.

    • aaewhy

      February 7, 2016 at 11:14 pm

      You can make your point without name calling God bless you

    • The real dee

      February 8, 2016 at 12:08 am

      A real Nigerian, first please no insults after you read my comment. I just felt led to respond to you.

      I understand why you must feel people who ‘honour’ these men of God are minions and zombies. I understand why you must feel these men of God are exploiting their memebers.
      However, can you take your focus off these men Of God and concentrate on the Man of the moment, the One who was scourged, stripped, beaten, humiliated, pierced, nailed to a cross like a criminal and accepted disgraceful death so that the human race will spend eternity in Heaven? That man’s name is Jesus. He says we should look up to Him because he is the author and finisher of our faith. No Pastor or man of God on earth is the author and finisher of our faith so we are not to look up to them or see them as a standard of righteousness.

      It hurts this Man, Jesus that we pay him no attention, it hurts Him that we ridicule his death on the cross, it hurts Him that we don’t acknowledge Him or the sacrifice He made for our sakes. This Man, Jesus knocks on our hearts all the time but we shut the door against Him and chase him away like a pauper.

      Take your focus off the men of God and the issues you may have with their lifestyle and look up to Jesus.

    • lapetite

      February 10, 2016 at 4:25 am

      I loveeeee this! I love you too Dee!?

    • Gidi Snitch

      February 9, 2016 at 2:03 pm

      While you have made some valid points, Let me ask you these questions, have you read the bible for yourself, especially the teachings of Jesus? I don’t mean read or listened to the interpretations of men (though that helps, but does not nullify the requirement to read for yourself). What exactly did Jesus say or encourage us to do that is wrong? Love people? Treat them well? Do good? Do not indulge in self destructive behavior e.g. lying (breaks relationships and erodes trust), murder (permanently ends a life YOU cannot create), fornication/ adultery (exposes you to all sorts of diseases)…biko, are all these things not for your benefit?

      I will repeat what i’ve said to many like you, “are you really willing to play games with where you spend eternity? Forever is a really long time to be in hell!”

    • Wale-Nonso

      February 10, 2016 at 6:30 am

      Excuse me, you could have spoken all the English in the world without being insulting to the church, as some of the members who love and respect these men, read this. It is called maturity and courtesy (look it up). Besides least most of the people read and commented respectfully, I don’t think they have 2 heads. 🙂

  6. Cindy

    February 7, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    I already fear for the type of ideas you will put in your children’s minds.

  7. Dr.N

    February 7, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Interesting
    You are not atheist. You are spiritual, you believe taking care of plants and animaks is worshipping God, the creative force in us.
    Good one.
    Are you wedding in a church? That would have helped u solidify your stance. You should have refused a church wedding, if u didn’t & asked for a civil wedding. Your fiancé cannot have his cake and eat it. He wants a prayerful wife, Is he a prayerful man? O di egwu.
    This is like d case of 2 con artists who went to church to find gullible partners & ended up together.
    You still have time tho. Decide what u really want & lay your cards on d table. I agree with u that religion has been abused but we do not throw out d baby with d bath water.
    Serving God is a personal decision because on judgement day, there will be no witness bix for hubby to speak on your behalf.
    Take care of u.
    P.S I really like your candor

    • suezannah

      February 8, 2016 at 10:27 am

      We plan on having an outdoor wedding officiated by a reverend from his parent’s church, since he doesn’t have a particular church he goes to.

    • Dr. N

      February 9, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      I dont think u should have agreed to be wedded by a pastor nor to have anything to do with his christian beliefs. This is d time to set d record straight. Can he take d heat? If he cant, can u pretend to be okay with it?

  8. Dr.N

    February 7, 2016 at 9:26 pm

    *witness box*

  9. Puzzles

    February 7, 2016 at 9:30 pm

    Sorry, in my opinion both of u are not serious.

    Him for seeking out a girl who clearly told him she doesn’t believe in Christianity.

    You for actually thinking there will be a middle ground.

    I find it amazing that a typical nigerian man expects a woman to suddenly agree with and adhere to his beliefs because she married him. He wants to say he did not find a God fearing lady in his church before approaching and dating you?

    I am not judging you. You have a right to your beliefs. I just believe that you should change your beliefs because YOU WANT TO not because HE WANTS YOU TO.

    In marriage, Love is not enough. So sit with him and have a serious discussion before the wedding because this issue has destroyed some marriages

  10. Ivory

    February 7, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    If your boo sees Him as “Jesus” and you see Him as “jesus” then you guys have real fundamental differences… I don’t see any possible middle ground here, one of you would have to compromise his/her belief for your relationship to work. Brace yourself for a break-up in case he decides not to compromise his faith.

  11. Jane

    February 7, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    I experienced the same situation and we ultimately parted ways. I believe that someone who cannot see the big picture and focus on the actual output of what being ‘Godly’ means but chooses to focus on the process (prayer in jesus name, regular church attendance and automatically saying ‘thank God’ after every ‘journey mercy’ etc) just has fundamental viewpoint differences beyond religion

  12. Gerry

    February 7, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    Religion and finance are on the top list of failed marriages. So if both you cannot agree on religion now, then you’re headed for disaster in the nearest future

  13. Adaeze Writes

    February 7, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    The way I see it, you are standing right at the middle of things. Yep, you believe in the creator but not in Jesus Christ as you said in your narrative that you won’t pray in Jesus name. When it comes to religion especially Christianity, Christians believe so strongly in the name of Jesus so, if your fiancé is a Christian, I really don’t see any hope for you guys. For now, maybe Yes but for the future No. Do you know why?
    One of your major challenges will be when the kids start coming. He will want to raise them differently and you will want to raise them differently.
    It’s better you make your decision now and face the music now instead of get into a marriage that might not work out.

    For exciting story series, visit adaezewrites.com

  14. rhonyi

    February 7, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    wow! I cannot believe some of the stuff I just read. such a read can make one who is not firmly rooted compromise his/her faith.

    • Mz Titilitious

      February 8, 2016 at 11:09 am

      u are right

    • Asa!

      February 9, 2016 at 12:12 am

      Seriously! If I didn’t know The One whom I worship (and in Jesus’ name I do), I could have suddenly joined the “spiritual but not religious” bandwagon. Lord, never let the day come when I will ever decide to denounce the name of Jesus. Truly, Christianity in its true sense is not for the faint of heart. I understand that many Christians have made Christianity lose its appeal to non-believers, but I have never quite come so close or seen it so blatantly expressed. I do appreciate her honesty though. If she does decide to become a Christian, I can tell that she would be the kind Jesus wants. Suezannah, if he claims he wants a praying wife, this will be a very difficult compromise, especially when the kids start coming. It could actually get messy too. I advice you find someone of similar values if you really value a strife-free life. Religion is deeper than you think. He probably thought he could make you change your mind and join his religion, but that didn’t work out as he thought. Weigh your options dear, life is too short.

  15. Raz

    February 7, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    Im here. ready for you.

  16. suezannah

    February 7, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    Thank you for your insightful observation. He does not believe in going to church regularly, performing ceremonial activities or worshipping flamboyant, jet flying, so called men of God. Which was why it was easy for us to get along at first. Now my fear is that he’ll eventually start to request more commitment to christian activities from me. He claims he wants us to study the bible together so that I can be open to the possibility of discovering something new. Perhaps I’m being stubborn and unreasonable about that. And to the other person asking what I’ll teach my kids. I’ll teach them to love and respect all living beings and to live a life free of prejudice and discrimination.

    • A Real Nigerian

      February 7, 2016 at 11:22 pm

      And your fear will come to pass.
      No, you’re not being stubborn or unreasonable. If this man really loves you, something as trivial as religion would not be important at all. True love overshadows all that, and if he keeps insisting on a god-fearing wife. That means he cannot accept you for who you are and he definitely doesn’t love you for who you are.
      Is that the kind of person you want to spend your whole life with? Or do you want to fake it all the way? Why let another person set your own standards for you all in the name of marriage?
      Save yourself and your happiness from a marriage that is destined to be toxic and destructive.

    • anonny

      February 8, 2016 at 2:20 am

      My dear religion is NOT trivial.. it’s a huge deal

    • Mz Titilitious

      February 8, 2016 at 11:10 am

      Religion is very important baje baje!

    • Jane

      February 7, 2016 at 11:26 pm

      This sounds exactly like my ex! Wow! Thanks for sharing. Nice to know I’m not alone. I think your worries are founded and except he can address them satisfactorily, you might be better off cutting your losses. After all, you laid out the cards on the table at the beginning of the relationship and he has u-turned on you mid way. This is a strong symbol of dishonesty and I would be worried on what else he might reveal later on!

    • nanaotua

      February 8, 2016 at 5:03 am

      Sister, I share the same values as you, it is one of the main reasons my ex and I are no more together. i believe organised religion is one of the biggest diseases of Africans and one of the many reasons we can not move forward. Also not forgetting the fact on how these religion was forced on us as a tool to control us and make us better ‘slaves’, Africans. Anyway break up with him, he seems like someone who does not have an opinion of his own and only follows the crowd. You might look over some things now but when you finally get married, it will become a burden to you, for you will have to compromise or pretend to like something you do not, it will go against your values. Not mentioning when you become parents, the way you will want to raise your kids will vary from his…. This will go nowhere, believe me

    • jinkelele

      February 8, 2016 at 9:28 am

      And as you can see he lied and has joined ‘the scum of the earth’ you described.

      Find your fit my dear if you want this sort of union marriage. Only take on what you know you can tolerate.

      But a caveat is that your current belief maybe alter in future and your future spouse would have to deal with that.
      Seems your fiance here just deceived you from the onset so you could date and now that you are more emotionally invested he’s concerned that you belief will not go well with the image of marriage he has.

  17. beauty

    February 7, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    I love your view and belief, even though most people wouldn’t. He shouldn’t have played you into believing that he was okay with your belief. However the deed is done.its either you bend for him or he bends for you or you both meet halfway or go separate ways, pick.

  18. Ej

    February 7, 2016 at 11:16 pm

    Oh Lord jesus the harvest is really ripe and this souls will be found in the mighty name of jesus Christ amen. Now don’t mind me am just praying for lost souls

  19. Niyoola

    February 7, 2016 at 11:22 pm

    Hello Suzennah.
    You guys should break up. Religion “is not a joking sturvs” in marriage. Even different denominations of the same religion disagree vehemently (catholic/pentecostal/baptist etc; Sunni/Shia etc)
    It would only get worse as time goes by.
    Children’s christening, Wanting to do thanksgiving, how to raise the kids, family interference etc.
    You’ll find someone that agrees with you in future.
    This man lied to you to get with you.

  20. Iheart

    February 7, 2016 at 11:36 pm

    I could have written this piece as this was my exact situation some years ago – only if there was a gender swap. My husband was you.

    It can work only if your fiancé accepts you as you are. I accepted my husband as he is because I saw how he treated others, how he was selfless, put others before him all the time, believes he worships God through his work and didn’t believe in praying for material things as he is of the opinion that God has given him all he needs to do well and succeed. It took some coming around on my part but once I did I made up my mind to accept him as he is and to never make it an issue in our marriage as it was already a pre-existing condition. Plus he does not fancy the kind of “God give me, give me, bless me, bless me pay your tithe or perish” kind of faith practiced a lot in these parts or is it the flamboyant preachers, churches etc.

    He agreed to me taking the children to church and sharing the bible with them before we got married. Funny thing is now we go to church together, he’s not a spirikoko but he likes that church affords him space to pray to his creator asides his quiet moments during the week. Sometimes he goes without me even but he still doesn’t call himself Christian or pray in the name of any medium to God as he believe he has direct access through his prayers.

    I have had no regrets whatsoever in my choices, my partner is amazing and we have a great marriage. I dare say God has blessed our union and is smiling down hard at us. Your opinion won’t be popular especially in these parts but God loves you and may he guide you.

    Your fiancé needs to accept you as you are otherwise there’s a rocky road ahead. Religion is a big deal and marriage is a journey in compromise. If he cannot accept you as you are, agnostic and all … You have some tough choices to make. I wish you all the best.

  21. Mysixpence

    February 7, 2016 at 11:56 pm

    Personally I think sharing the same belief system is very important in a marriage. It can sometimes work if both parties are ‘open’and place their love above their faith but if your faith is the most important thing to you then you have to think long and hard cos it’s not just about you but about your kids as well. Being Protestant I had to end a relationship with my Catholic S/O cos we were both very devoted to our worldviews. The more I learnt of his the more I became convinced of mine and in the end could not agree on raising our kids in a system I didn’t inherently believe. To each his own. I would have advised to pray to God for wisdom as that’s a sure way for me but I don’t know what pertains in your worldview when faced with uncertainties.

  22. Tee

    February 8, 2016 at 12:33 am

    Narrow is the road. Thank you Jesus!

  23. Sammie

    February 8, 2016 at 1:06 am

    I totally agree with the writer of this article. Religion is more pragmatic than regimen of prayer and worship. People then to be hypocritical with it. Our Society is so religious, but yet we are so wicked and distrustful to one another.

    It is our country where by funds meant to protect her citizens our diverted to personal pockets; Monies meant for peoples pension are lodged in fixed deposit bank accounts. People use it to justify their positions no matter how negative. And then go for Fashion parade on Sunday! Do you know that the KKK was a Christain organisation?

  24. alwayshappy

    February 8, 2016 at 1:55 am

    Being a christian is not so much about the religious activities, the jet or none jet flying pastors, the commercialization, the hypocrites, the saying amen, it is about a personal relationship !
    So the real question Fiance should have asked Suezannah in the beginning and even at critical points in their romance is “Do you desire to have a personal relationship with God?

    Without the desire, there will be no hunger for the things of God. So madam suezannah if you can answer that question with a simple yes or no, you will have answered your own dilemma and if its a break up, at least both parties would heal knowing the Koko.

  25. Foladiva

    February 8, 2016 at 2:07 am

    Sweetheart, 2 cannot walk together except they agree…. Besides, Christianity is not what you practice, its who you are….. #NuffSaid

  26. Netizen

    February 8, 2016 at 3:20 am

    My dear, just call yourself a muslim. If you really believe in God and love Him, you will know how important His Son, Christ is to Him. You cannot just take that with levity. Jesus is not just a medium. He is God. He is the beginning and the end, the first and the last. He is the word and all powers belongs to Him. He is the lion amd the lamb. He has been given a name that is above every other name and thay at his name EVERY knee must bow. I’m not trying to judge since being judgey is the problem a lot of people seem to have with Christians. Let us pretend that our consciences no longer exist and we only feel bad when others tell us we are wrong. Even God holds His Son in high regard, how much more us? He gave us His only Son to die for us and you think you can just decide to throw that away as you please? You cannot love God and hate his Son, you are only deceiving yourself. I see you trying to use human understanding to analyze the things of the spirit. That can never work. I personally don’t agree with every doctrine of today’s Christianity but I have come to accept that they are just that – doctrines. If you are a fervent believer, you will understand that some of them are to help curb potential excesses that we are prone to as humans. It takes deep understanding to realize that Christianity offers the most freedom you can expect. Many don’t see that and it is just sad. I pray God convicts your spirit. Christianity is for the strong hearted. We have all had how doubts at one point or the other, but the truth never fails. Bless your soul.

    • ChildofGod

      February 8, 2016 at 7:12 am

      Netizen please can we be friends because your first few sentences about Christ are SPOT ON. Have a blessed week x

  27. Nceey

    February 8, 2016 at 3:28 am

    Hi Sussy (the writer), am dating a guy who has the same mind set like you do. He has met my parents and we are planing to get married in Nov. He is a great guy but the only snag is – am like your partner. I believe and love God with my heart, my soul and my mind. And yes, i pray in the name of Jesus too. Before I met my boo, I was engaged to a guy who was a tongue talking, demon chasing and holy ghost filled Christian who abused me physically and emotionally so I’ve learnt a few lessons. Before you go any further with your relationship, ask yourself – what kind of relationship do both of you have? Is it built on love, mutual respect, trust, genuine friendship and understanding? If it is, are you willing to make some compromises to make your marriage work? You are a woman and whether you are Christian, muslim, atheist or whatever, if you can’t submit to this guy as the head of your home, your marriage is doomed. Submitting to him means that you must be ready to pray with him in the name of Jesus and acknowledging that a higher supernatural being (with a name) rules over the affairs of your life and your home – not flowers or innate things. For me, am with a guy who loves and respects my beliefs. Because we are friends, we talk about things that matter to us. He likes science, philosophy and reason while I like God, law (am a lawyer btw) and politics so we share ideas together. I must confess that it wasn’t easy for both of us to get to this point. When we started talking, his views freaked me out. But we talked about it and decided to make compromises so our relationship could work. Last week, he prayed with me in the name of Jesus. Let me end by asking you this lil question – who do you turn to when the weight of life overwhelms you? Your friends, family, bellanaija flowers, animals or social media platforms? It’s the best feeling in the world when you shut your eyes and talk to an unseen friend in the name of Jesus who sees and hears in secret. It’s that simple! Your boo isnt asking you to practice religion, he’s merely saying he wants both of you to have the same unseen friend. I wish you all the best hun.

  28. Nceey

    February 8, 2016 at 3:36 am

    Hi Sussy (the writer), am dating a guy who has the same mind set like you do. He has met my parents and we are planing to get married in Nov. He is a great guy but the only snag is – am like your partner. I believe and love God with my heart, my soul and my mind. And yes, i pray in the name of Jesus too. Before I met my boo,  I was engaged to a guy who was a tongue talking, demon chasing and holy ghost filled Christian who abused me physically and emotionally so I’ve learnt a few lessons. Before you go any further with your relationship,  ask yourself – what kind of relationship do both of you have? Is it built on love, mutual respect, trust, genuine friendship and understanding? If it is, are you willing to make some compromises to make your marriage work?  You are a woman and whether you are Christian,  muslim, atheist or whatever, if you can’t submit to this guy as the head of your home, your marriage is doomed. Submitting to him means that you must be ready to pray with him in the name of Jesus and acknowledging that a higher supernatural  being  (with a name) rules over the affairs of your life and your home – not flowers or innate things. For me, am with a guy who loves and respects my beliefs. Because we are friends, we talk about things that matter to us. He likes science, philosophy and reason while I like God, law (am a lawyer btw) and politics so we share ideas together. I must confess that it wasn’t easy for both of us to get to this point. When we started talking, his views freaked me out. But we talked about it and decided to make compromises so our relationship could work. Last week, he prayed with me in the name of Jesus.  Your boo isnt asking you to practice religion, he’s merely saying he wants both of you to have the same unseen friend. I wish you all the best hun.

    • suezannah

      February 8, 2016 at 7:54 am

      I am very much interested.
      NB: There will be one more good Christian brother for you guys, so you can cease spitting vitriol at me, a woeful unbeliever.

  29. Felinda

    February 8, 2016 at 6:37 am

    A marriage that has FAILED FOR LIFE before it even Begun.
    I didnt even bother reading all the nonsense from this girl.

    Leave the guy alone for him to find a BETTER women who shares the same beliefs as him and go find your fellow partner who believes in NOTHING – there are millions of your kind out there. Good luck #TimeWaster

    • Idomagirl

      February 8, 2016 at 8:42 am

      Why are you insulting her? It’s because of people like you that she hates organized religion.
      Hypocrite.

  30. GuyViews

    February 8, 2016 at 6:43 am

    The biggest mistake my fellow guy will make is to ever marry you.
    Abeg carry go.

  31. GuyViews

    February 8, 2016 at 6:48 am

    You people always want to flip Gods words – no wonder most are cursed with FAILED marriages

    My question to this writers guy is – if he is truly a born again christian, then he should stand by Gods word in 2 Corinthians 6:14 and stop wasting time.

    • Idomagirl

      February 8, 2016 at 8:45 am

      There are many people in the church with FAILED marriages. Just because they’re experts at pretence and suffering and smiling doesn’t mean they aren’t miserable.
      Quoting the bible yet cheating without remorse.
      Abeg.

  32. ChildofGod

    February 8, 2016 at 7:11 am

    So i met a guy recently that is just like you and I’m just like your fiancé. He is a great guy I can link you guys together. He is super intelligent, currently doing his PhD, he has a fantastic job as in the guy is full package but me I cannot for the life of me be with someone that doesn’t know or accept Christ as their Lord and saviour. I myself I’m not a church goer and I don’t warm church benches but I have a personal relationship with God. I pray more than a church goer, I grew up in a Christian home, when I went to uni, I decided to search and know Christ myself. This month makes it 8 years that I gave my life to Christ and He has never disappointed me nor forsaken me. I have been to church once this year and that’s because the town I live in, in the uk because of my situation the people in church are judgemental which is why I no longer go to the church but there are no other churches around so I stay in my house. God has been too good to me. When I went on a date with the guy last week Holy Spirit spoken to my heart that do not mix with unbelievers. Few days later I had to tell this guy I can’t be with him. I can’t marry an unbeliever laye laye. Tho those guys that are Christians are the devil themselves eg brother oyin a few posts ago that did dramatic proposal. But il wait on Christ my hope in glory.

    You and this guy would fit because he believes in exactly what you believe, he is a nice calm guy and we have a mutual friend who tried to get me to stay but I can’t compromise my Jesus for no one. So pls reply below if you want me to link you up with him or anyone else interested and il respond with my email. He works and lives in London he is very single and really wants to be with a black Nigerian girl since he only dates white girls since the black Nigerian girls he meets are like me.

    • Nana

      February 8, 2016 at 10:47 am

      Hmmh…Is his name Charles,???? this description fits him perfectly. Same reason I picked race too. Dude is doing quite well for himself. Every time I try to get serious with him, the holy spirit keeps nudging. Nne Mba kwa Ohhhh!!! His beliefs are jaw dropping. We met up last December and the last thing he told me was that Haile Selassie is the reincarnate of Jesus Christ.

    • ChildofGod

      February 8, 2016 at 11:07 am

      Hahahahahaah no his name is not Charles, his name starts with an R, dude grew up in a Christian home but stopped believing in God when his dad died a few years ago. Literally he doesn’t want to hear the word Jesus, if I try and explain my Christian journey he tells me I’m preaching lol. By he is a great guy I cannot take that away from him, he pretty much believes in what this poster believes in. Please contact me poster il hook you up x

  33. suezannah

    February 8, 2016 at 7:35 am

    @nceey
    why don’t you give me your boo and take mine.?

  34. D

    February 8, 2016 at 7:57 am

    Your differences are fundamental and honestly it may be better for you to part ways if each of you cannot find a way to fully accommodate the other’s spiritual beliefs and practices.

  35. suezannah

    February 8, 2016 at 7:57 am

    I’m very much interested
    NB: there’ll be one more good Christian man for you guys to choose from soon, so you can cease spitting vitriol at me, a woeful, lowly unbeliever.

    • Idomagirl

      February 8, 2016 at 8:48 am

      Please ignore anyone insulting you, I’m a Christian myself and I’ll be the first to admit that the Nigerian church is full of hypocrites and self-righteous hypocrites.

    • Tolulope

      February 8, 2016 at 9:27 am

      See ehn! God bless you! Most Nigerian “Christians” are hypocrites! See all the people who commented above abusing her that her marriage will fail if she doesn’t believe in Christ, as if there are no failed marriages in the church. One of the most doctrinated churches in this Naija is so money-hungry that the youths have fled the church! yet the pastors will climb the pulpit to say jewelry-users are sinners who are going to burn in hell. Smh!

    • Orianah

      February 8, 2016 at 9:19 am

      Oh please! Nobody is spitting vitriol or whatever. Sister, religion causeth nathing. Man causeth mans own problem! Please don’t be lazy and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal his words to you. Let me advice you genuinely, not believing in Jesus doesn’t do anything for you. It doesn’t make you richer or more intelligent. Infact you’ve fallen into the category of unintelligent people according to the Bible because you’ve attempted to understand the things of the spirit with logic and human comprehension. Hence, your epic failure and your eventual resort to unfounded philosophical babble and pseudo science, kinda how the theory of evolution was founded and is being modified every other year because new things beyond human comprehension are discovered and science quickly moves to bring it to equilibrium by postulating theories upon theories. You know like le chatelier principle on equilibrium.

      Sister Suzy go and look for Jesus. He looses nothing when you don’t come to him, you gain everything when you’re with him. From your write up, your problem is with religion not Christ. Why then can’t you be a model Christain? Why can’t you show people how Christianity ought to be practised instead of this us versus them game, I see most people play these days. Go and search for Jesus , He will answer. There’s nobody that sort for Jesus in the bible whether for healing or for teaching that he didn’t answer. How many times in the bible did Jesus go to church? Or did the disciples pay tithe and they have not eaten? It’s the heart that matters sweets.

      I see people like you everyday in the hospital. They live their lives free of the so called backward and limiting religion and bam, on their death beds they start calling one priest or Imam or reverend to pray for the salvation of their soul, wondering after all these years, if the “non-existent” God would have mercy on their soul and take them to paradise. Don’t be cliche. It’s boring. Search for Christ yourself. Your philosophy or belief doesn’t make you forward or progressive neither does it make you intelligent or logical. It makes you ignorant, ignorant of the things of the spirit. Ignorant of things that matter most.

      IMO, end it with the guy. He is not grounded in Christ. If he was, he wouldn’t have looked your way in the first place. I’m sure you don’t want an indecisive, blow with the wind husband.

      It takes a strong person not to believe in Christ, with the bible and all the literature surrounding God. But, it takes the strongest of persons to have faith in prints which defies all human logic and reasoning and believe in a God that cannot be seen without wavering. The strength of such persons is rooted in their unwavering faith which comes from their conviction in the God they serve through the ministration of the Holy Spirit.

      Did I mention I’m a scientist? I just started my doctorate in epidemiology(virus). So, I know the science. but that doesn’t make God any less God.

    • Nana

      February 8, 2016 at 10:48 am

      Can we be friends already??

    • Duni

      February 8, 2016 at 12:36 pm

      @Orianah…You just made me love you. Christianity without apologies. I love! 🙂

    • Felinda

      February 8, 2016 at 4:11 pm

      Orianah you are the smartest commenter on here. Wish i can give you a million likes

      Most of the time i have lil patience for stupidity and those who claim not to believe in anything (eg Oprah) let alone Christ. I dont argue or explain things to them – i just dont have their time cos like the bible describes them THEY ARE FOOLS – and i have never really had patience for them to even debate or argue nor explain things to them.

      But you have the patience and you broke it down nicely. God bless you, I will learn from you

      Some Day.
      🙂

    • solabomi

      February 9, 2016 at 8:42 am

      thank you for this…your brain is intact!

    • changing Moniker

      February 13, 2016 at 10:31 am

      You said what I wanted to say but couldn’t articulate. For this I say thank you. I hope Orianah is your real name because I’m going to look for you. I need people like you in my life.

    • ChildofGod

      February 8, 2016 at 10:57 am

      Il not sure if your comment is for me but my number is zero seven five two zero six seven four four eight six send me a tx first and I will link you up with him.

    • slice

      February 8, 2016 at 2:46 pm

      And me I know a guy that’s looking g for you.

    • ChildofGod

      February 8, 2016 at 3:07 pm

      Give him my number na

  36. fabulicious

    February 8, 2016 at 7:58 am

    My dear I will just ask you to leave him so he will find his own soul mate too.Things have already started changing at the beginning..Meeting all his relatives is not marriage, doung introduction is not marriage,even making wedding plans is not marriage. There is no meeting in the middle with this..Stick to your beliefs or tomorrow you will find him asking to give birth to 8 or leave a job or even stretch you out of your comfort zone just because you decided to over compromise from day 1 or it might even be you who will decide to make his own life miserable..It might take you some time but you will find your soul mate who shares in your own beliefs.

  37. D

    February 8, 2016 at 8:17 am

    And just as others have said, the guy was dishonest with you when you started your relationship, he misled you into thinking he accepted your views, only to start singing another tune when you were fully invested in the relationship. This doesn’t really speak well of his character… and that’s another fundamental issue to consider.

  38. larrymoore

    February 8, 2016 at 8:21 am

    life is sweet without the stress of religion , on the deeper thought built on experience religions make us to understand that world could have be in a state of nature, my dear go for that who’s on the same page with u, in marriage, religion makes and mars.

  39. jhennique

    February 8, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Christians! Christians ! Christians! Sometimes we are the worst kind of people

  40. Becky

    February 8, 2016 at 10:53 am

    What type of Aunty Bella is this? Both of u can’t workout do call everything off. I don’t understand how ppl can live in this world and not believe in something.

  41. ballerina

    February 8, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    Wow, Suzeanah. I am thankful to find people who think like me. Dating has always been a struggle for me in Nigeria. I grew up with one extremely religious Christian parent that everyone saw as a paragon of virtue and the most admired Christian in the parish but who was the most wicked, judgemental, envious, cruel person at home. My other parent never went to church but till tomorrow, is the most decent, kind, compassionate, spiritual person I know. That parent has single-handedly enriched a lot of people’s lives. That parent is the description of what a Christian should be but will never describe themselves as such.

    I read the bible as a child and the bible’s focus is on what is in your heart. What I have learnt is that what is outside is just for other people. The God that Christians claim to serve is not a God that everyone sees. So why are NIgerian Christians focusing on what people do outwardly vs. their true beliefs, actions, way of life?

    I always thought I was alone in my belief. I don’t really have advice for you. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and I trust that the right path for you will become clear. Best wishes!

  42. Lulu

    February 8, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Reading a lot of comments and I think that he doesn’t have the same belief as you do and if you guys get married, he might want to force you to agree to what you don’t believe in. Working with God is personal and many times when we give our lives to Christ we have the gift of the holy spirit the fruits are what we develop such as love,joy,kindness. So becoming a Christian is not about the laws of men and organized religion, It’s a way of life that is consistent. I pray that somewhere along the line you will discover him on your own.

  43. larz

    February 8, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    He lied to you or at least pretend to be something else to get what he wants. My dear, I suspect that he might surprise you some more once you get married? Even if you change your mind about Christianity, don’t let it be because of a guy. This is not how it should work

  44. Nkem

    February 8, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    I take it that only Christian/religious marriages work?

  45. DD

    February 8, 2016 at 2:27 pm

    There is religion and then there is “Knowing the Kingdom of GOD the father, the word (Jesus Christ. and the holy spirit. . Jesus Christ was sent to get you our of the prison of Religious leaders . Same people who killed Jesus Christ….Same people who proved the scriptures right. He came to preach about the love of God and who we ought to be in Christ Jesus.
    I really hope you find Jesus Christ.. ohhhh! I really do, so you can understand the depth of what he truly stands for…

    As for you and your boo/fiancé/actor /Hollywood movie in the making, quit wasting time and call it a wrap… stop rolling the tape on wheter/ if/ i know i’m not and he want lines …… and just do exactly what IS RIGHT!!
    THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND IN THIS… HE WANTS WHAT HE WANTS AND YOU’RE NOT CAUGHT OUT for such… Marriage is a lifetime affair and a covenant. Don’t be a fraud and end up paying for it, bad marriage = ending up with a divorce at the long run..

    *Remember a broken relationship Is better than a broken marriage….*

  46. jhennique

    February 8, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    You already know what you are going to do. Dont come here seeking validation from us.

  47. Tosin

    February 8, 2016 at 3:27 pm

    Very interesting.

  48. Mrs 2Cents

    February 8, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    My question is, did he understand you point of view on religion(did you have a deep conversation on your belief) or you just mentioned it in a carefree way? Please do not be quick to judge the brother because we don’t know his side of the story. It will be better to have a conversation on your belief and as long as a Rev is officiating and you agreed to that i believe you guys never talked about it but you just assumed he knew.

  49. Beenthere

    February 8, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    @suezannah, I’m sorry you are having to go through this when so many arrangements have already been made to begin a married life. And if you decide to not go through with it, explaining your reasons to family and friends will leave you open to judgement. Marriage does not change a person, their personality ‘dial’ either gets turned up or turned down. He has laid out his expectations for your union and you’re not sure you like this. Fair enough. Even if you are able to have a conversation with him and he concedes to your beliefs, what makes you think he won’t change his mind sometime sometime in the future, possibly after children? Do you think it will be an easier conversation then?
    I grew up in a home where everyone believed something different, while it wasn’t so bad, it was not helpful. This is by no means a diss to families that practice two or more religions. If you made it work, hats off to you. But it made me very resentful and numb to certain things. There was always a side I was required to pick when spiritual discussions came up and religious holidays was exhausting! And to make matters worse I was enrolled in a convent elementary school and faced constant judgement.
    Forgive my rant. Leaving someone you love is hard. Leaving a marriage is harder, especially after you have kids. Think carefully about this. If you believe you can not compromise on matters of faith, then this marriage is not for you. If you are willing to go through with this marriage, that’s fine too, but be prepared and know that disagreements will come your way and how you both handle them will shape your marriage.
    Good luck!

  50. Beenthere

    February 8, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    To everyone else going on about how she should ‘find Jesus’. As much as you are convinced of your faith is as much as she is convinced of hers. Do you think you would appreciate someone insisting that you way of worship is wrong?

  51. Beenthere

    February 8, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    *your*

  52. Natu

    February 8, 2016 at 6:08 pm

    Real talk. Quoting the bible yet committing adultery. Quoting the bible yet abusing their partners. I have seen many non religious marriages that are successful. African are just cowards!!!!

    • Asa!

      February 9, 2016 at 12:20 am

      The frequency with which you insult Africans and Nigerians especially, is very worrisome. I have tried not to notice but … its really hard not to notice when you’re being insulted alongside your entire race, for no sensible reason. My advice: open the dictionary, flip the pages till you get to T. Then check the meaning of the word “Tact”, and practice it. Since you’re that great, I’m sure such a simple thing wouldn’t be too hard for you. Bad mouthing others is not good for anyone’s health. Thank me later.

    • Gidi Snitch

      February 9, 2016 at 2:11 pm

      What’s your definition of success? The length of time they’ve been married? How they act when people are around? Do you know what they struggle with or how they treat each other when people aren’t around to see them? Do you know if one person is dieing inside just to try to maintain peace and portray the image of success?

      This spirituality thing is double sided. God has set out godly principles which when followed (irrespective of “religion”) will yield certain results e.g when you sow, you reap (one of the reasons Arab nations are so successful because their economies are largely based on giving).

      You can have a fantastic time on earth while you are alive. What about eternity? Forever is a veryyyyy long time to be in hell oh. Biko, read the bible for yourself and let the Holy Spirit help you understand for yourself!

  53. Oma

    February 8, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    I pray you get to know Jesus on a deeper level dear,Stay blessed.

  54. frannie-beautifulsoul

    February 8, 2016 at 7:19 pm

    My dear, I love that u know who u are n what u need. Starting a home on deceit is a very bad idea. Religion is over rated. Be u cos that’s all that u need to be. He either accepts u or otherwise. Marriage is for matured minds for it to work. Either one of u bends for the other or both meet in the middle otherwise as painful as it is u will have to call it quits. Honesty, sincerity n healthy compromise is absolutely required here. Never be with someone hoping they change cos adults can only change if they want to. Here acceptance of each other is key n cannot be toiled with else u may have to una separate ways. Wishing u a better discernment n God’s help as u work towards finding the best solution cis its really heartbreaking after u have committed in it. Please two of u need to sit down ,talk,discuss n arrive at a way forward whatever it will be, God ll see u thru

  55. Debz

    February 8, 2016 at 10:20 pm

    This is a classic case of lukewarmness, being neither here nor there. You either serve Jesus or you don’t! a lot of people feel more comfortable talking to God and not Jesus but you see i hate to burst your bubble but they are the same. The only way you get access to the father is through the son! Therefore you can’t claim to believe in God and not Jesus. I think you are talking this way because you don’t know Jesus. i know it’s been said too many times and i hate to sound like a broken record but believe me when i say Jesus is the only way a marriage can truly be sustained.
    Anyway I’m not here to preach or impose religion on anyone. Personally I don’t even do religion because as many have said, there’s a lot of wrongful practices going on in the church. I just seek to have a personal relationship with Jesus and obey his commands. Dear Suzy, religious differences should never be overlooked! trust me i know. Every marriage is built on something, for strong believers it is on Christ AND there must be an agreement between the husband and the wife. Even the Bible says can two walk together except they be agreed? i believe this pretty much sums it up. Agreement is key! yes i know there will be some compromise along the way but darling, do not let yours be based on whom or what you choose to believe in.

  56. True Talk

    February 9, 2016 at 1:23 am

    My question is this- when judgement day finally arrives and you find out that Jesus is the only way! What will you do? This question is for the atheist, free thinker, Buddhist, scientologist and people who equate taking care of plants, animals and the environment as serving God.

  57. Gidi Snitch

    February 9, 2016 at 2:18 pm

    Dear sister suzy, would you refuse to ever go to the hospital because the other patients are being silly, thus putting your life at risk? Why would you then play with your eternity because “some” human beings have made a mess of Christianity? Have you read the bible for yourself and come up with your own conclusions?

  58. Cathy

    February 10, 2016 at 3:13 am

    Suezannah, the answer you are seeking is inside of you. If at this stage and with all the plans already in motion, you are still uncomfortable with something as important as this then you are better off clearing things up before taking the step into marriage. I have found that the fear about having these discussions so close to the nuptials is the risk that things may fall apart and the possibility of never finding a partner again. Truth be told he has gone back on the beliefs he was spouting before things got started, now its ultimatums. I am a Christian and will always advocate Christianity as the way. However I am also someone who believes in gender equality amongst other things. I know for a fact that that qualities which you don’t get from your man before marriage, you will never find after unless God in his infinite goodness performs a miracle on the man. If he isn’t the one for you it’s better to know now than later. Please don’t see all the wedding plans, family meetings and introductions as a reason not to clear the air, not one of all these people will live in that marriage with you. Furthermore, all the qualities you claim to believe in can be found and more in Christianity and the practice of it. I have found over time that if you dwell on the practice of others within the confines of the religion, you would only block yourself from receiving that which is important in the faith: Gods Love and Blessings. I pray that you will do the right thing for you and truly pray that you find your way to Christ and following his teachings someday. Remember your happiness and peace of mind is not dependent on any man or person but on how much peace of mind you find within yourself. Always strive to attain that state no matter the odds.

  59. manb4real

    February 18, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    WOW, I came late, but as the saying goes…, better late than never. I’m a Christian, not a religious person, I go to church regularly but that doesn’t make me a hypocrite. I stand for the truth everywhere and any where, bcos I have the author of truth living in me. Christianity is not a religion, Christians are followers of Christ, Christ’s disciples, not some bunch of religious lot, in fact Christ condemned the religious pple of his day: the Pharisees, Sadducees and Teachers of the law. Orianah said it all. If you are this intelligent- you sound intelligent, you can find out for yourself what the Bible says. No need looking at someone. The Bible says in Hebrew 12: 2, let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, not on Church leaders, they’re only human, very, very fallible.

  60. pattcute

    February 18, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    A fish cannot fall in love with a bird. If they do, where will they live? You both cannot make it. Accept Jesus and be saved.

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