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Dog House with Esco: Kiss and Tell



dreamstime_l_27260137Dog House with Esco is a column for men, by a man.  Women are welcome, too! {Click here to read the introduction}

I remember my first real kiss. It was a juicy snog with my first real girlfriend, in my first proper relationship. She was sweet 15, I was 14. She was a cougar. I was Simba waiting to be trampled upon by a female wildebeest. She was fresh-breathed, classy and fit. I was a legendary slacker with teenage acne who panted halfway up a flight of stairs.

But as I said, it was a juicy snog with my first real girlfriend, in my first proper dalliance with a daughter of Eve. Not an imaginary chick I had fabricated as I told tall tale stories to my bewildered secondary school friends, boasting of my prowess at bagging chicks. Not a Karishika I had propositioned in my wet dreams, fuelled by adolescent testosterone as my mum hissed at my soiled sheets.

Nah, kissing Temi was the real deal. In fact, smooching Temi was the realest thing I had done till that age. Convincing hot, cute, popular and intelligible Temi to swap saliva recipes with me, was the biggest accomplishment I had had, to that point.

It was a glorious act of tonsil ping-pong.  An Igbo French-kiss. Ever heard of one of those – you “chop” the girl’s mouth like an agbaya glutton wolfing down a Scooby snack.

She had come over to mine to hang briefly and say her goodbyes, since she was going off the boarding school the next day. Summer vacation had ended, and we would not see until the mid-term break.

It was innocent; it was sweet; it was brief. A lot of things were brief in those days. Except female underwear – those were humungous. Except for children’s clothes too – those were always oversized. Thank goodness for Gap Kids.

I briefed my friends when I got to school the next week. They were bewildered at my beginner’s luck.

The freak among us, a chap nicknamed Illegal coerced me for more information “Did you ruff her?” with his eyes bulging with excitement.

“Ruff” was slang for ‘hitting 2nd base. Hitting 2nd base was fondling and squeezing her breasts, chests and nipples. 3rd base was not in on the cards back then – that was too advanced for JS3.

3rd Base was the name of a hip-hop band, in my innocent mind. 3rd Base to me is a volume dial to crank up the sound of the drums on an Aiwa jukebox.

My friends were gathered in a circle and it was an inquisition, I dared not fail. As they egged me on for info, I grudging affirmed. Yes, I had stroked her mammary glands during our passionate embrace. Yes, I hate baseball, but I batted.

The fellas screamed my praises! Esco Baba!! Illegal looked at me with a trance and bewilderment in his eyes, like I had just performed an incredible feat to advance the cause of man-kind. He was a 15-year old snog virgin, you see.

New travels fast, even between schools. Somehow one of my circle told someone, who told someone, and then word got to Temi in another school of my “kiss and tell”. Of how I was boasting of “pressing” her milk-factories. You couldn’t make it up.

She was angry and nearly broke up with me. Childish as it sounds now, it was a big deal then.

We dated for a few years after then, then broke things off and remained friends. Our lives had moved in different directions – but there were no hard feelings. There were no tantrums or daggers exchanged over social media. I did not try to rub in the fact that I had moved on, by uploading a picture of my foxy new girlfriend on the Gram.

I had nearly lost my precious girlfriend because I kissed and told. I smooched and snitched. Do you know why a snake’s tongue is split? Like some kind of punishment? Maybe it is the reason why it crawls on its belly.

What happened with Temi was child’s play compared to these days.

Romeo meets Bae at a networking event in middle Lagos. They swap numbers, and that evening they swap messages. After days of obsessive chatting,  the fairytale descends into parental guidance.

Romeo sends Bae a Whatsapp photo of his banana, and the she retaliates by snapping and forwarding a picture of her ample water melons. But he wants more, and soon they are exchanging full frontal photos of each other like Adam and Eve when they had walked in the nakedness of the nude in the Garden of Eden. They even share an Apple. Yep, an iPhone sex video of both of them. Things come to a bitter end like an unripe agbalumo when he starts sharing photos of her nudes with friends, and it goes viral.

In this era where a guy is likely to proposition a girl by saying “Baby make we shoot film na” , just after she had agreed to come over to his for Netflix and Chill,  “kiss and tell” has now become “show and prove”. It is amazing how many girls – and boys are ready to send nudes of themselves on request. It is as easy as ABC. As risqué as XXX. As quick as 1,2,3. And sometimes one party ends up betrayed like 419

Now, when fellas discuss their sexual escapades of the night before with their mates, many times their friends require some kind of proof as the story is incomplete, especially if the girl is a hottie in demand. Documentary evidence in the form of videos and photos are highly admissible. Word of mouth is as cheap as the air it floats on.

Bedmatics are filmed on a Samsung phone, and it is common to be forwarded an unsolicited Whatsapp  chain message video of a dude and a chick who had either lost the sex recording.

Or it may be stills of be some lap dance or nudes of some chick made because her boyfie had requested it, or she had done it for his eyes only. Then, homeboy showed it to his best pal and told him to keep it a secret. Best friend forwarded it to a mutual friend, until everyone sees it. Sometimes it starts as blackmail, then descends into a farce.

Everyone will swear on a cutlass, that they would not dare allow themselves be recorded butt naked, but I have seen it far too often, to think it is just the habit of a silent majority.

Maybe it’s the lawyer in me. But my thing is never to allow a recording of anything you cannot stand by. Conquerors destroy history books; history is the biography of the victor.

I am not sure to play morality police and tell anyone whether and how to film themselves in the nude and forward to their love interest for kicks. I would have not minded being in the movie business myself, but writers are entertainers that are too unattractive for the screen. So we cower behind verbiage rather than glorious edification of video

One time, the fiancée of a girl I used to date long long time ago, contacted me out of the blue to ask me about her “sex secrets.” According to him, he was in two minds whether to go for it, and had heard she was a bit of a freak.

I dismissed his investigative questions summarily: “Nah fam, I don’t kiss and tell. Besides imagination is better than knowledge”

You’d be alright, bro.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Fellow Nigerians, it is with the utmost pride and sincerity that I present these memoranda as a living testament and recollection of history in the making during our generation. Preamble: Esco is a lampoonist, content provider for hire, and convener of the blog Literati: Satires On Nigerian Life, which is a symposium to project the conditions of every Nigerian and inspire young people all over the world. He is currently working on his memoirs “The Great, Wonderful Adventures of Esco”, which will be available in 2016. Esco can be reached for scripting writing, ghost writing and editing work by email at [email protected] Oh, and he occasionally tweets at @Escowoah.


  1. Frank

    February 18, 2016 at 7:55 pm

    Nice write up

    • whew!

      February 19, 2016 at 10:18 am

      Abeg me im just seriously worried about keeping up my scribd subscription with all this foreign exchange mess

    • Blessedheart

      February 19, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      My scribd subscription is still up and running. I get alert every month and I use a savings account. I don’t think you have a problem

  2. Thatgidigirl

    February 18, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    Esco I don’t care if this meeting is for the umunna and umuawafor, I wee shook my mouth in the matter. First can I just say that anytime I see an Esco article on BN I just want to lick my screen. Secondly men that kiss and tell or show and tell, are worse than animals….piece of meat with eyes and nostrils. It may surprise you to know that girls also kiss and tell ALOT especially if the guy has some pedigree, only that they act like he’s their mugu, or they’re not interested.
    When a lady says “he’s disturbing me” yet she’s taking his calls etc she’s probably on base 10 with him, freakomania style.
    …….but then this isn’t about the ladies so over and out. Kizzez Esco baybay

    • Ajala Traveller

      February 18, 2016 at 8:50 pm

      As in! Esco Baba, Na you biko!!

    • Tosin

      February 19, 2016 at 9:31 am

      My friend used to complain about this silly guy disturbing her and then they were married. I didn’t know that “he’s disturbing me” was code for “I like him and we’ve concluded plans sef” loool.

  3. ElessarisElendil

    February 18, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    I wish I wrote with even half your your zest Man. You’re a legend in my books Esco Baba!

  4. Madame

    February 18, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    Na serious show & prove generation. i tire for this generation sef. As in, i no get why ppl so so free send nudes/shoot blue film. abeg, keep your kpam kpam to yourself, thank you very much! i no wan see tears wen dem dey pass video around like say nah basketball. now, for those that dey shoot film without the other party’s consent, thunder fire you!

  5. escoo baba

    February 18, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Hailings esco. I stan for you. Im your greatest fan.

  6. abi

    February 18, 2016 at 9:57 pm

    Yes o

  7. Fille

    February 18, 2016 at 10:20 pm

    Hmm I have been a victim of kiss and tell severally. The first was the guy that I lost my V to, telling everyone of our mutual friends till it got to my sister and it was hella embarrassing as I used to act as a prude. Followed by a couple of different groups of friends that we slept together and passed me around to the others in the different groups. One even actually made a video while I didn’t know. They kept telling the other guys to come meet me. Thank God those days of naivety are over.

    • Lillain

      February 19, 2016 at 2:01 am

      Ahn ahn babe they passed you around abi you allowed them to pass you around?

  8. @Fille

    February 19, 2016 at 1:05 am

    Fille the runs girl!
    Slept with different types of people together as in ORGY tins then being passed around as a an aristo pro!
    I duff my hat for you ooo.

    • zarah baby loke loke

      February 19, 2016 at 8:38 am


  9. Abasi mbok

    February 19, 2016 at 7:35 am

    The one I don’t get are the stories of sexcapades that only happened in the guy’s mind!!!

    • Tru

      February 19, 2016 at 12:23 pm

      I know right!!! And this was rampant in Uni. Naija guys sha!!!

  10. zarah baby loke loke

    February 19, 2016 at 8:33 am

    “But my thing is never to allow a recording of anything you cannot stand by. Conquerors destroy history books; history is the biography of the victor.”
    Oro Agba I’ll be careful even with chatting oh Bikonu screenshots can b used against an innocent flirting sister.
    I like the way the article passes a strong message with a sense of humour. I have been down that road tho I asked for it nd ko funny rara the only consolation I have is that its a few people that no d details of d well detailed steamy escapade.
    Love you some more Escoooooooo baba

  11. Fille

    February 19, 2016 at 9:33 am

    To those judging and concluding, I was a young teenager going through a terrible phase of low self esteem when all that happened. It was never runs.

  12. Self righteous pple on here

    February 19, 2016 at 10:36 am

    @Fille, dont mind those self righteous people. we’ve all been down that road or at least a great number of us. The best thing about it is u learn from your past experience. Great writeup Esco, as always

  13. The K

    February 19, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Esco! Thumbs up bro! Your articulation is all shares of WOW! Your articles “give me life”. You’re simply too much. From a fellow brother who occasionally spent quite some time in that famous house 🙂

    • The K

      February 19, 2016 at 11:25 am

      all shades**

  14. anon

    February 19, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    Brrrriiiilllliiiiaaaannnttt write up Esco baba…I greet you…meanwhile, don’t you think it’s a bit unfair on Otaakara to buy her Gap kids? I mean…those over-sized clothes we wore as kids were the very foundation of formidable character and self esteem….plus…there’s also the added benefit of interesting throwback photos…lol…I kid…I kid

  15. Zayt

    February 19, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    Oh Esco Baba! I dey feel u diieeee..How I would love to meet u…Brilliant write-up! Thoroughly enjoyed it.

  16. Spanish Guitar

    February 20, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    Hi, Esco, Delicious article as usual (I always combine my interesting articles with food…aids digestion). I passed through the nude pictures stage but always made sure I never included my face. I even once had a cyber sex partner but we both agreed never to store any footage because we were mature enough to know what the consequences of a leak could be. Suffice it to say, my secrets are still safe, but I know better than to try such rubbish again.

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