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Sandra Dairo: Gold-digging Is NOT Gender Specific

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dreamstime_l_47557903We have all heard it countless times – women are materialistic; they only want you for the money; they will only date you if you are established and so on. This, to most people, is a reality they either choose to accept or let go of. Most men will consider it unfair that women make dating choices according to who can provide for them more. But what I have come to realize is that anyone can be used, especially when it comes to money. It is not just the men who are sometimes being seen as ATMs (as most will describe it) but women are also being taken advantage of financially too, only that, it is less likely for them to speak up.

I once had this boyfriend, during my NYSC. I was lucky to be one of those ‘corpers’ who are being paid pretty well so I make a few bucks monthly – which usually go to random stuff since I still lived with my parents. I did not have a lot of expenses, so I mostly just buy a few stuff and save the rest. Well, I met Abiodun around this time. The first couple of months, he did what was to be expected. He wined, dined and offered to pay for a few things for me. I kept insisting I would rather he not spend on me, so he eventually stopped.

Then something changed. Whenever I go visit him, he would reach into my purse and help himself to a few bucks, depending on what he found.

I let this go the first two times he did that, but one day, I told him I feel uncomfortable when he reached into my stuff and take money like that. Then he said something along the line of, “If you love me, then what is yours is mine…” I just replied by saying I would rather he asked first and left the issue at that.

From then on, he asked. Boy, did he ask. He ‘borrowed’ money from me, he asked for money to top up his airtime, I paid for his BB subscription, (and this was when it was  N5000), etc. It did not seemed like much here and there, but eventually, it added up and I was literally almost always broke. My savings disappeared and at one point, I had nothing.

I still kept on giving though, because, love. Then one day afternoon, he called and asked me to send money so he can pay DSTV subscription for his parents. What?!

I was too shocked for words so I hung up on him. Eventually, I called back at about 10pm, trying to be a grown-up and use my words to explain how uncomfortable his request made me. I apologized for hanging up, then I asked if he has gotten home from work. He told me he was at  Ojota, (he lives in Festac town), so I asked who he was visiting. My ‘darling’ boyfriend went, “well since you decided to stop giving me money, I am here to see a chic who promised me some money.” Suffice it to say, immediately after that call, relationship = over.

Last year, my younger sister who was in her 2nd year in University, came to me that she is tired of her boyfriend demanding stuff. She confessed to me that she splits her allowance in two and gives him half. According to her, he would pout whenever she says she does not have money to give him. I gave it to her straight. Money should never be a way to prove your love. There is no difference between that and a guy telling a woman, “if you love me, you should have sex with me.” One has nothing to do with another.

A couple of months ago, I came across a Twitter post which said, “One minute, you married potential. Like play, Like play, you will begin to pay husband’s brother school fees.” It seemed funny as face value, but there are bums out there who marry/date comfortable, and working women who they end up taking advantage of.

Where am I going with this? Well, anyone can be taken advantage of. Anyone can be used in different ways. It is not a ‘man’ problem or ‘woman’ problem. The only thing to remember here is, no one will take advantage of you without your permission. You have a choice in the matter. If you are dating someone who continues to demand money from you, and you are unhappy with that, you have the choice to leave. You also have the choice to refuse to date anyone you suspect to be this way. But this should never be a man versus woman trouble, because it simply makes no sense. We choose who we date and who we let in our lives, why complain about things we can change?

A person (notice I am gender-specific) who feels like their partner wants them only for financial gain should decide whether or not they are okay with that and make a decision. Believe it or not, there are people out there who need to have that financial power over their partners to make them feel secured and give them perceived control. I know men who feel like ‘the man’ when they can shower their ladies with gifts and all kinds of things and I know women who choose to pay their men’s bills because it gives them the upper-hand in the relationship.

Please, can we let this issue rest? Gold diggers will not dig where there is no gold to find.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Sandra Dairo is a creative writer and content creator. She finds humour in everything and believes life should not be taken so seriously. You can check out her adult-themed blog at thefiercelane.wordpress.com where she writes erotic stories, sex tips and more.

37 Comments

  1. blue ivy

    February 1, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    mehn just like the guy am dating now……..that guy is ripping me off so hard this time. infact he makes plans based on my pocket not his and finds this cunning way to make me pay the bill.s babes i hv told him enough is enough.

    • Dare

      February 1, 2016 at 3:39 pm

      Blue ivy why are you still there…..abeg receive sense please for the love of yourself

    • lagos is my home

      February 1, 2016 at 3:50 pm

      You better carry your legs from there ooo and wise up. How can he make plans with yours and you give him, someone u are not married too…..
      Please i beg u do not be desperate blc problems in dating are magnified in marriage. So even if u get the ring you will be drained out in some years.
      Have a think abt it and if u decide to stay . Make some changes and be the receiver not the ATM especially not at dating phaze
      girl take my ray ban glasses . You deserve more of his money .

    • bruno

      February 1, 2016 at 4:40 pm

      ” infact
      he makes plans based on my pocket not his
      and finds this cunning way to make me pay the
      bills”

      which girl in nigeria doesnt make plans based on her boyfriend’s pocket?
      now they have given u a taste of ur own medicine u are complaining, u finally know how it feels to pay for everything. maybe next time when both of u go out, u will contribute.

      of cause, he is finding cunning ways of making u pay for stuffs cause u never contribute. I can tell u are a stingy girl who likes to eat her cake and have it.

    • Magz

      February 2, 2016 at 7:37 am

      Please shut up! Just shut up! Say all the girls you have been unlucky to meet are materialistic and they make plans based on their boyfriend’s pocket, don’t say all girls do! Hian! So even your mum, sisters, female cousins & female relative do that??? O ga o.
      As it is very difficult to believe that there are faithful & good men, there are also girls who do not depend on their men’s money!!!

      Be wise for once and stop behaving like someone an animal with your name chewed their brains out!

    • Afis

      February 1, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      Okay nice

      showfaze.blogspot.com.ng/

  2. lagos is my home

    February 1, 2016 at 3:21 pm

    Lol….The gold digging men are everywhere these days . WHO WANTS TO SUFFER
    Even naija celebs who are hustling
    , arent they mostly marrying rich men daughter so it can further their path . All na unto hustle , socal.climbing or what other terms are out there

    Girls be wise sha, love with your eyes open and dont let anyone turn you to an ATM . it usually not love but signs of an opportunist. Run girl run . Be wise and give your love so GLASSES to put on. .

  3. @edDREAMZ

    February 1, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Damn, some men are so irresponsible though…. I will never act like this even in a million yrs… Well i constantly runs away frm any lady that ask me for me though without even looking back……
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  4. JADE

    February 1, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    I used to have a boyfriend who became friendly with my sister, he stole her number from my phone and from time to time will call her and beg her to send “us” money, he will come to my school and stay for weeks, when ever he decided to travel back he will collect tfare from me, while he is around he will ask for money so he can go and drink with his pals who attended my school, omo at one point he even asked me for money to throw a birthday party for himself, another time to complete his father’s hospital bill! shuo!!! na break up straight after that o

  5. bruno

    February 1, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    what is this writer talking about?

    so ur ex boyfriend use to take change from ur purse every once in a while and u are calling it gold digging. madame sit down.

    lazy brazilian hair wearing women are trapping hardworking men for 18 solid years and u are here writing shit about how abiodun took spare change from ur purse. baby mamas are collecting hefty sums of money from men, all fpr what?. this babe just gave birth some few days ago and she is already telling wiz kid “to be a man” and take care of his responsibilities.
    davido’s baby mama is collecting more than what bankers make in a month. rent payed for in lekki and Christmas bonuses etc
    and u are here saying shit. the funniest part is naija girls are very stingy. we have discussed about it before sef. for a nigerian gurl to pay half of the bill at a dinner date, hell will have to freeze over. a girl than can’t even bring herself to pay for her own meal, how can u dig gold from that person

    gurl, BYE.

    • The Bull

      February 2, 2016 at 1:06 am

      lmaoo men are still learners when compared to women, some women cannot even buy bottle of coke for themselves.

    • abby

      February 2, 2016 at 4:09 am

      Why are u so bitter Bruno? Ahn ahn its 2016 be nice

  6. Honeycrown

    February 1, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    I just don’t care for manipulative people!

  7. Kathy d ❤Dr

    February 1, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    Omg! Who ever said guys don’t dig for Gold they didn’t plant is a BIG FLAT LIAR! Jeez , I recalled one sometime back & thinking he could fool me with all that Marriage BS talks. Well of course my #6 was working right. U can’t keep extracting from me to take care of another lady U got pregos & all I saw was a desperate loser trying to make his way to d States smh. Nah it doesn’t work that way for me bruh so he got the boots so FAST & didn’t see it coming. I bet he was speechless when I laid down all my reasons & kept all documents of what I know he’s trying to accomplish from me. Some dudes ain’t got no shame at all I swear.

    • Kathy d ❤Dr

      February 1, 2016 at 4:15 pm

      *knew*

  8. Sabifok

    February 1, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    Yes it is not. However raping is to men, as gold digging is to women.

    Do men get raped by women? It is not as common, but it does happen. So is gold-digging. It is more prevalent among womenfolk.

  9. Phunmz

    February 1, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    Reminds me of this guy. First date, I paid. Thereafter, one story or another. Bought airtime for him, then started asking me for outrageous amounts…500k, 300k….
    Decided to cut him off, then he says…I won’t let you go.

    Emm….sorry??

    • Ay

      February 4, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      First date u Paid??? First mistake!! U can’t go on a date with a guy and ur paying! Who does that? Are u dat Desperate for a date! Pls never ever go for a low life for whatever reason no matter how Horny u get! As big as Lagos is u should be able to find one descent guy who can take u out at least to movies! Make sure he Pays Pls ok: send a mail if u can [email protected]

  10. Olu

    February 1, 2016 at 5:04 pm

    why una dey complain. No be gender quality you want? 🙂

  11. Meah

    February 1, 2016 at 5:11 pm

    This may seem a lil off tangent but I have always found the term gold-digging amusing. Would you rather dig for mud?? I mean, digging is a tedious exercise so you may as well ensure that what’s in the area being tilled is worth it!! ok, bye…

  12. Toby

    February 1, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    This article is so on point. Gold digging is not restricted to the female gender. The act of going through someone’s pocket or wallet and taking their money is just beyond reason. If only people would try to do for themselves…

  13. drknite

    February 1, 2016 at 6:07 pm

    Amen Brotha, Preach on! Preach on!

  14. Gbam!!!

    February 1, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Oh boy! Some guys have made a coded career out of this o. Married men at that! Ripping women and young ladies alike off.
    There’s a particular presenter in the most popular sports channel *coughs* whose forte is this!
    Karma is a Bitch fam. It’s coming back at you in 3D

  15. aj

    February 1, 2016 at 6:33 pm

    Gold digging is now common among men so let me hear word to those saying women are still the main gold diggers!

  16. xag

    February 1, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    Nah. Not all golddiggers are women, but a male golddigger has the decency to know its a shameful trade and not a thing of pride. Nigerian female golddiggers on the other hand dig with impunity like its a legitimate occupation and the society hails them for it. They will even dig and curse a struggling man out for not being dig-worthy. Instagram famous girls with no job, carrying Hermes Birkin and una dey hail them every day. How many Nigerian male golddiggers can you name that are as respected as their female counterparts or can open mouth to admit goldigging for a living with impunity? Abeg y’all should spare us the sermon. See young women legit lamenting here that they broke off relationships because young men asked for money. If a man does the same, na them go first shout “broke ass man”. Some women who see their own giving as either a sacrifice for hooking man down after which it doesn’t work out they tell the whole world they invested in the man’s future and were cheated but the same people will gladly collect a man’s own and feel they’ve earned it. Abeg make una dig una gold in peace and spare us these weak self-defense articles. Na who no know una for Lagos dey listen to all these stories.

    • Cele-Ijesha

      February 1, 2016 at 7:36 pm

      Men have not even started digging anything yet. Shey all these small small faaji coins them collect for suyaing and bigstouting that’s why una take vuvuzela dey shout upandan. E ti ri nke ke. In the foreseeable future women go understand say awa na can like to collect also, be ni. In a fortnight now, falentine will fall in, go and check who will be the Givenchy or Collectibles. While majority of men will received boxers, go and check what women will emotionally coerce from their partners. E fi story le, since ages, women have been collecting mansion and duplexes, collecting cars, collecting scholarship, collecting boutiques, collecting Dubai trips, collecting their fathers mate prick. Men have not even collected anything e de npariwo.

    • FasholasLover

      February 1, 2016 at 8:46 pm

      @Cele-Ijesha, Your style of writing just got me laughing. Me like.

    • Cele-Ijesha

      February 1, 2016 at 10:36 pm

      @FasholasLover,
      More blessing. Iya mi (with overlapping clenched fist and head bowing) over here we sef dey gbadun you.

    • Californiabawlar

      February 2, 2016 at 7:28 am

      I liked your comment for the first statement! How true…the entitlement of female gold diggers is mind boggling! It’s so normalized that the lines have been blurred…and it makes it difficult to be a regular babe because now she’s trying so hard to go against the grain and ends up either being seen as arrogant/miss independent or get taken advantage of.
      Howeves I stopped reading after I got the point from the first few lines….there was nothing more to be said after that really but I see you still felt the need for an epistle…I figured you were going to go down some misogynistic rabbit hole…as usual. Nobody gat time for reading nonsense…Lol 🙂

  17. xag

    February 1, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    Name one wealthy female Nigerian whose husband is well or is it better known. Is it Bola Shagaya or Folorunsho Alakija? Why aren’t their husband’s names popular? Because Nigerian society is programme to berate, ignore or ridicule any man less well off than his wife. But a wealthy Nigerian man’s wife is always seen as an extension of his business empire, whether she followed him to work for it or not. This golddigging game was rigged in you favor a long time ago,

  18. DAME

    February 2, 2016 at 10:06 am

    MADAM WRITER, thank you o
    i was just telling my friends..mbok the handsome boys are the latest gold diggers ooo..they start by telling u they like independent girls who can hold their own bla bla, then they start having money issues then they borrow off you and use love to cover it up
    The day you ask HIAN, they start ranting about how you are treating them badly because of money….been there, done that

  19. asa

    February 2, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Hmmmmm…..i am married now. sometimes I find it hard to even lend/give money to my hubby cos if my past experience. Don’t get me wrong…..my hubby is d breadwinner of the family. he does everything. I gave my own business which he funds 70%. He knows about my experience and even teases me about it. I so hate it when a guy lives off a woman. My first ever bf left me because I refused to give him money to buy a trending pair of shoes. This guy ripped me off the two years we were together. He always took all my money. Even my sch fees. I was so naive and in love. I went to visit my sis in sch but decided to see him first. He saw money in my bag and made the demand. I told him I couldn’t. It was money meant for my sister. As I was leaving and he was seeing me off….he told me he was not interested anymore cos I refused to give him money. he also told me there and then that it was d same reason he broke up with his ex. That d ex aunt sent her $40 and d ex refused to give him some of the money. How funny. I just walked away and never she’d a tear. I was also done. talk about male gold diiggers

  20. wunmi

    February 2, 2016 at 10:52 am

    I’ve dated this guy for 4yrs never for once have I asked for anything but he has bought things for me so have I for him but I feel uncomfortable with the fact that he always wants me to contribute for things. don’t get me wrong when we go out I do offer to pay for things even for tfair but we are planning our wedding and I do know that I will have to support him but I don’t feel comfortable with the fact that he expects my contribution. I can’t completely count on him to have my back financially cause I’m constantly putting money aside in case (and this isn’t bad but it just feels good to just be a woman and be taken care of), he always expects me to chip in something. Cant he just give. I don’t know if anyone here understands me and does this make me a gold-digger

    • Ay

      February 4, 2016 at 2:37 pm

      Walk Away now or forever be his slave! He does not Love U

  21. demashi

    February 2, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    It is wrong and shameful for a guy to leave off his girlfriend – I repeats, his girlfriend. It show’s a lack of home training and deficiency in values. As a married man, I sometimes ask my wife for financial support only when I have no other alternative especially as she frowns at me borrowing from external sources when I’m in dire need of funds.

    Even in the earlier part of our relationship when I lost my job, I never as asked for a dime cos a lady is not responsible unless it’s in a marriage union.

    A friend narrated how her former boyfriend borrrowed N2m that she saved for a couple of years from her for some business. 5 years later, boyfriend is gone, holed-up somewhere in the East and babe can’t even reach him again. Totally irresponsble masculine behaviour.

  22. demashi

    February 2, 2016 at 5:16 pm

    I meant “live off”

  23. ForTheRightsOfMen

    February 2, 2016 at 5:24 pm

    Yes, as men, we can be stupid gold diggers.

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