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Uru Eke: It Appears Nothing Goes for Free! Understanding Transactional Relationships

Uru Eke

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Uru Eke“A transactional relationship is based on an expectation that a favor will be returned in kind” Hughes Marino

I want to talk about the transactional model of relationships. In business, transactional relationships make a lot of sense because you are giving something in order to receive something back. But for a romantic relationship is it right to give your love, affection or attention to someone in return for goods, money or favors? No doubt each of us bring a level of expectation to a relationship and what we each consider of value in an exchange will vary. Having said that, I’ve often wondered if chivalry is dead and if my generation will ever go back to the reason I want to believe used to be the bases of a relationship.

Something happened between myself and a friend recently, which has left me puzzled and wondering if out of desperation to get me to desire him he was willing to go into a transactional relationship with me. It has also left me questioning if I want to continue my close friendship with this person or from a very far distance.

For the purpose of this article I’ll call him Julius. Julius has been a friend to my family for a very long time and when I moved to pursue my career in Nigeria, he would call to check up on me periodically and visit me. As time went on I found myself getting comfortable with him and confiding in him about my struggles and challenges. It felt great to have him around. He would offer advice on various things and generally be available for me to vent to. Now Julius is married and as far as I was concerned all he was to me was a really close friend who I could talk to. Unknown to me Julius began to develop feelings. However, the way I am wired if I’m not attracted to you I won’t be mushy, encourage or acknowledge your feelings. Plus he is married, so for me he was off limits. Julius didn’t show he had feelings for me, so I felt we were cool. I thought we were just “close friends”.

I also have to add that it was refreshing to have a man who wasn’t asking you out or trying to smash. As I’ve come to realise, living in Lagos, most friendships between male and female are quite sexual. I don’t know about anyone else but speaking for myself, when I meet a guy it doesn’t matter how serious I seem or what I present before him he’s scheming on how he’s going to get me.

Imagine my shock when Julius, comes round to visit me one day and tries to kiss me. I step back in shock and ask him what he thinks he’s doing. In his words “Uru, I have always liked you and I can’t hold it back any longer” Gosh! I was crestfallen. The one person I felt I could run to and vent about other guys has joined the bandwagon. I put him in check and told him off, that I didn’t feel that way about him; plus what’s the point investing any feelings on him when he is married? (of course that doesn’t matter these days) We talked about it a little bit more and I tried as much as I could to explain why I couldn’t date him and how much his friendship meant to me. He concurred and we moved past it, or so I thought.

Fast forward a few months later during one of our conversations I was venting about the light situation and how my inverter batteries were almost depleted. I complained about the fact that when I first got the inverter installed the batteries were relatively cheap, but with the inflated dollar rate I was dreading how much it would cost to replace them. Julius goes, in his exact words “replacing these batteries is nothing to me, I can do it at the drop of a hat for you but URU you don’t show me any love” I said, “excuse me, show you love how? I confide in you about everything, there’s nothing going on in my life right now that you don’t know about. I call you almost everyday and sometimes it’s not because I particularly have anything to say but just to check on you”.

He continued by talking about his feelings again and how he could do things for me if only I reciprocated and stop acting like Miss Independent.

Don’t get me wrong if I need support I will ask for it and there’s absolutely no shame in that, but I just do not believe that I should lead someone on with the hope of a relationship or even go into one based on what the person can or will do for me. Julius went on and on about how sometimes he would want to do certain things for me but holds back because I don’t show him any affection.

Now my confusion is, would he prefer that I went along with his feelings and led him on just to take whatever he had to offer? Why doesn’t he appreciate my sincerity and the fact our friendship means a lot more than this “transactional relationship” he is proposing because that is essentially what it will be.

Transactional relationships happen all over the world and everyone has their individual reasons why they go into them. I’ve come across men who complain about women and their demand for money when in a relationship but to be honest the men aren’t innocent of being transactional themselves. You meet a girl and immediately you offer her all sorts of things to be with you, she wont go into that relationship with any feelings for you but to simply keep taking what you give and when you stop giving she’s out. Transactional relationships are on the rise and simply the order of the day and no one’s embarrassed about it. Sometimes it’s actually easy to tell which relationships/marriages are transactional and which ones are genuine.

Needless to say this experience has set a dark cloud over my friendship with Julius and I don’t know if we will quite recover from it.

In conclusion, I guess in a way every relationship is somewhat transactional but we need to focus on what is important to us and the people in our lives. Does what you give or take matter if you both agree? Are you giving your time, body for favors or love to be loved back in return.

73 Comments

  1. blue

    April 8, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    Just as a warning, it’s not advisable to endear yourself so closely to someone you are not interested in and who is married, relationships blur the line really quick. If you are looking for a confidante, choose someone who is more emotionally available for such a task.

    • ebi

      April 8, 2016 at 9:03 pm

      Aunty Blue, they were close friends before he got married. Read!

    • pearl

      April 8, 2016 at 9:49 pm

      Ehen so wat if dey were close frends? Wnt she receive sense to know dat things shud change cos he is now married. She actually got wat she unknownly asked for.

    • Corolla

      April 9, 2016 at 3:43 am

      “She actually got wat she unknownly asked for”…sigh! Naija people sa…y’all never cease to shock me. A married man tried to kiss a girl, and is asking to date her, yet you are still pointing fingers at the innocent one. The man is the one that is married, and made a vow in front of God, man, and his wife, yet the blame is heaped on the woman who clearly rejected his advances. Wow…this mind blowing.

    • kaeto

      April 8, 2016 at 10:53 pm

      You guys really upsetting… I have or had ( distance…) a very special friend, at first I didn’t know he married… Anyway we became so close, like Uru’s except he never for once harassed me sexually…. Never… Even after I travelled he still kept calling and when he talks about his feelings for me,( after I am done confiding my pain in dating to him…,) I quickly sing you married… He protected me, just an amazing friend… I have been looking for him in my relationships so I can have my own man but these men want the transactional relationship, so I drop…I am very rich … and people’s person… I get another confidant…my own na character and knowing one has my best interest… His status or the gender doesn’t bother me. Infact I do my best to push my guy friends into dating cause I don’t believe in sex outside marriage so when I confide in them and Conji shooks them they have one to bang on… Feeling another person when married, is it cheating? I don’t care, I don’t have to talk to you for you to be inlove with me, so I can’t deprive myself of expressing myself…. For my mental and emotional health if you like carry your wife come join….

    • fleur

      April 9, 2016 at 5:37 pm

      Uru, Welcome to my world. I just dont bother anymore. I am a tomboy. I love to hang out with guys because I dont talk makeup, boyfriends, clothes or weird fancy dreams without work plans. I buy stuff if I want to without elaborating on it and I prefer politics and soccer adn current affairs for gist. So my dear, I found out pretty early about my mid-twenties that because of my looks and gender, every single guy I established this honest relationship with was hanging on because they were anticipating that some day I would give in. I found out it was almost everyone who was a friend. I found out when I sent my wedding announcement to my homies and got some angry spiteful messages. I lived outside the country so for a while the conversations were phone conversations and my occasional visits to Nigeria. I never spent time talking to any of them about my relationship. I just dont do it. I no know say I give off the impression say I still dey available and they were all waiting. In fact, I found out that two of them were not on good terms because they both wanted each other to butt out of my life so that they could take over. Whaat? Then a couple when I asked had the openness to tell me that I was a sexy chic that led them on. They talked about how I batted my eyelids when I talked and how my heavy bottom was such a lure for men and I was a huggist and playful with them and they all hoped falsely that I was somehow digging them and one day would be one day…… Really???! Since then, when I am talking with guys, I no dey smile too much oh. I keep it lite and I throw in biblical verses here and there to put them in check. Person no fit hang out with people wey im wan hang out with because I be woman and dem dey find association beyond gist! It is a very difficult thing for me to bear because I cant stand female sensitivity and bickering even though I am female. But I found some realistic girlfriends and they are darlings from heaven. We talk what makes sense – business, current affairs, making money, getting our kids into great programs, etc. Not shoes, lipstick, travel, silly husband and retarded bf woes,

  2. Tea

    April 8, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    Uru, I know you don’t need our advice, as it’s not an agony aunt column. But in this situation, I was veryyyy close to a guy he was kinda like a family friend as I knew him thru my in-laws, then we even became work colleagues. I was so glad I atleast knew smone in d organization.
    He was engaged to be married, I was single also back then. We wld go for lunch 2geda,gist abt family etc. even when we got to our sit we wld send msgs back and forth. I hated we’re I was working at dat point so I cld vent to him, he atlst took my mind if things and made workn dere abit tolerable.
    I knew he had feelings for me, but we never really addressed it, bcos asides being engaged, he knew he cldnt even approach me. I was kinda out of his league, so he knew not to even bother.
    But our lunches he wld pay, go to cinema after work to avoid traffic, he wld buy me stuff here and there, when he travelled,send me credit. I took these things as plain friendship. Even guys at work wld joke abt him being my boyfriend.
    My reason for dis epistle, I was almost raped by dis guy, infact my top was torn in d tussle. It took d saving grace of smone dat heard my screams, that stopped it from happening.
    As women we need to be veryyyyyy careful with our rltshp with some if dese so called “friends”. Especially when you know d person has feelings for you.
    He deceived me into coming to his house to cum help him sort out some wedding stuff and I was almost raped.
    Yes you wld say not all men are animals like this guy. But after dat scenario I DO NOT go on visits to guys again. I have re-examined my friendships with d opposite sex.
    Some of we women use this likeness they have for us to our advantage. Some so called toasters pay some girls rent, bills, travels. Just be careful.
    Because the day they come for their pound of flesh ehnnn.

  3. Cookies?

    April 8, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    No matter how “modern” we pretend to be, Uru it’s not ok to confide in someone else’s husband about everything. Plus you also call him everyother day even when you don’t particularly have anything to say. How would you feel if the tables were turned? stop “confiding” in him, perhaps you wouldn’t see his “transactional” side.

    • Thatgidigirl

      April 8, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      I thought I was the only one that saw something wrong with that. How can a married man be your bestie….even with his wife’s consent? What happened to your female friends and single male friends? Do you call your mother every day, so why would you call someone’s husband everyday and expect him to have just platonic feelings for you? You place sugar on an ant hill and then complain that ants are all over the sugar….gerrarahia with your inappropriateness pls.

    • Lex Luthor' Sister

      April 8, 2016 at 10:07 pm

      @ Thatgidigirl a million and 10 likes for your comment. How and why will you be calling someone else’s husband on a regular basis then come here and start expressing shock that the guy wants to hit that. Uru this article and your thought process is annoying. Have Several seats darling

    • Na Wa!

      April 9, 2016 at 1:00 pm

      My sister @Thatgidigirl NA WA O! See me see trouble. How CAN a single lady call a MARRIED man everyday ‘just to check up, eve when she has nothing to say’? The issue here is that I think Uru has not set CLEAR boundaries, and she is equally at fault for continuing a close relationship with a married man. That, in my opinion, is disrespectful to the institution of marriage itself.

    • Enny Heart Heart

      April 9, 2016 at 1:50 pm

      Don’t mind her, she low key enjoying all his attention and that power she had over him like ‘I know you still want this, tho you married now’. But some guys sha, you can’t even form. Must you always do the predictable. Smh

    • Reetah

      April 9, 2016 at 3:37 pm

      Thank you! Women stay lying to themselves sha. You cannot say you didn’t know he was developing feelings when you talk everyday. In fact, you sef have feelings for the guy because no matter how close you are to someone, you don’t need to call everyday. Talk more of a married man.
      I’m tired of girls using this lame ‘friend’ line to justify themselves. Leave married men alone so that they can leave you alone too. There are many other single men around. Go and start a ‘platonic’ relationship with anyone of them, biko!

    • IJ

      April 9, 2016 at 9:04 pm

      Thatgidigirl you Naija women only see what you want to see. How about you focus on the fact that the writer mentioned reasons the the piece was written. Or why don’t you bash the man for wanting to step outside his marriage and commend the girl for putting him in check. You talk as if the scenario isn’t a reality and it’s an abomination. Kai you people and your mindsets are very dissapointING oh! BN like someone mentioned pls change the title of this article so these women who may actually have husbands who have female bestsos can have their day in court. Mscheeeew

    • Peaches77

      April 9, 2016 at 8:36 pm

      Ha! Hmm, just wondering this matter o. Married man is your bestie, how? How?

    • Tunmj

      April 9, 2016 at 10:31 pm

      What the flying fuck??????? At some point please take some time and sentences to disparage the married man

    • Wonderment!

      April 9, 2016 at 11:54 pm

      Oh get over yourself Cookies!! Na Una type dey die on top man head!!! After he will leave you for someone else!! Go and ask Neyo’s Ex. You one dimensional somborri!!

  4. k

    April 8, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    I think we need to take it easy with this human hair thing.

    • funmilola

      April 8, 2016 at 7:14 pm

      loooool,who are the “we”? did you read the article at all?

    • Nnechi Spicy

      April 9, 2016 at 9:12 pm

      Bwahahahaha. I like you already ‘K’. When I saw her pic, the first thing that came to my mind was ‘my God, all these hair in this heat? Nawa, girls dey try oh’

  5. Ovuoke

    April 8, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    Unfortunately, many a female can relate to this. I guess this is why many people believe men and women cannot be friends. At the risk of generalizing, why do men require a woman to pay them for their kindness with their bodies? And not require the same from their male friends? Help should be help regardless of gender! Plus, true kindness should not be expected to be paid back.

  6. Zee

    April 8, 2016 at 7:14 pm

    Sweetheart, you have no business calling another woman’s husband everyday ‘to check up on him’. I hate to break it to you but you were having an emotional affair with this guy even though you didn’t know it or perhaps you knew on a subliminal level but did not want to acknowledge it.
    He was having an emotional affair with you too……and as time progressed decided to take it to another level.
    Ladies, if you speak to a guy everyday single day, call him up about absolutely nothing…..you are more than “just friends”.
    It speaks of an emotional dependence that carries beyond ordinary ‘hei whats’up’ friendship. I have seen far too many people fall prey to this…..myself included.
    Ure, sorry your bubble was burst. Welcome to the world young’un.

    • Jane

      April 9, 2016 at 9:00 am

      Judge, jury and executioner. You’re one of the people Theo mentioned who have twisted what this gurl wrote. The person was a very close friend to her family and she felt he was different because of his status and she was comfortable enough to trust him and talk to him. Are all of you saying you have cut off your friends because they are married? If you read well, but i’m sure world people didn’t see where she even turned down his advances. In your judgmental minds the woman is the aggresor. Most of you if not all have been in a transactional relationship one way or the other and that’s the point the babe was driving home. I won’t even be surprised if some people didn’t read it and just follow followed other people’s comments. Shior!!!!

    • Reply to Jane

      April 9, 2016 at 1:24 pm

      Madam Jane, no one said she should CUT OFF her married friends. Common sense dictates she should have reduced the frequency of contact and put in respectable boundaries once this guy got married, family friend or not.

  7. Zenah

    April 8, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    Uru someone’s husband should not be your confidant. No wife would like that, not even you. What were you expecting? Oh please

  8. serendipity

    April 8, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    I’m sorry to say this but most relationships I see these days are transactional relationships, where when u call ur boyfriend, buy him gifts or do anything seemingly nice for him your friends tell u, you are having sex with this guy, he should be paying your bills, are u stupid? And on the part of the guy if he buys u gifts, takes you out for lunch, his friends tell him ‘ you haven’t hit that yet, are u a learner? The society has become what is where it is no longer a relationship but a financial equation to determine the benefit.

  9. Tolu

    April 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

    A beg who stole my keg of petrol?

    • zarah

      April 9, 2016 at 5:17 pm

      Dry

  10. mamaD

    April 8, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    While growing up seeing me chatting innocently with a boy, my mum always said, “Nwanyi na Nwoke anagi akpa uri”. Loosely translated as, a girl and a boy can’t interact.
    No matter how innocent you think your friendship is, one day, sexual urge will arise either from the girl or in most cases the boy.

  11. Mr. Egghead

    April 8, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    A few points:
    1. All relationships are transactional. Whether in life or marriage or business. For every action, there is a reaction. Nothing goes for nothing. If you are not gaining anything from any relationship, you should probably put a bullet in its head.

    2. Men and women CANNOT be close friends, particularly when one or both parties is emotionally vulnerable. Miss Uru basically gave Julius a set of emotional blue balls by making him her confidante, calling him upandan just to say hi. We call guys like Julius “beta-orbiters.” I am sure if Julius tells his story, we would read something very different.

    • coco

      April 9, 2016 at 11:03 am

      That’s why a lot of women have gay best friends less drama!! no wahala! I need one biko

  12. Different

    April 8, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    Uru, first of all, turning a married man into a confidant is not advisable. What happened to female or single male friends. You formed an emotional connection with him and you are complaining he’s now interested in you. That’s the problem with ladies of today. They will pretend they don’t notice that someone they’ve friend zoned is falling in love with them. You don’t only take advantage of people financially but emotionally as well. If you Uru wanted someone to confide in, you should have hired a Shrink instead of using the guy. Better to give him some space because before you know it you start rationalizing him buying you the inverter batteries and who knows what else. Just my 2 cents

  13. BN pls note

    April 8, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    This was a very good read, definitely opened my eye to different circumstances this might have occurred and I have made a mental note,

    Also BN can you discuss more abou sexuality I.e androgynous, bisexual, cross-sexual, epicene, hermaphrodite, trans-sexual, unisexual
    men/women in Nigeria and how they make it work what their challenges are etc

  14. zeebaby

    April 8, 2016 at 8:54 pm

    Best comment so far! Egghead ain’t no egghead afterall.

    • Yve

      April 11, 2016 at 1:16 pm

      Check the meaning of egghead Zee.

  15. PinkNailz

    April 8, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    So theres this cute guy who is my dads colleague and i’ve had a crush on him but he doesn’t know. We are ‘social media ‘ friends and he recently began flirting with me and i went with the flow and flirted back and from this he said he was happy that it was ‘mutual’.. He indirectly said he finds me attractive and is looking forward to seeing me. Theres a high potential for us to work together but I’m scared because I don’t want to ruin my dads reputation or jeopardise my career. I don’t know his intentions and I’m scared to ask because I don’t want to come across as too ‘forward’. Please can someone advise me on this.

    • Mazi

      April 8, 2016 at 9:18 pm

      Errrm don’t shit where you eat! As a dude, i can tell you for a fact that your dad will be collateral damage.

    • Lucinda

      April 8, 2016 at 10:23 pm

      Are you both single? Is he serious? What do YOU yourself want from this “situation”? Long term sturvs or sarewagba?

    • Tope

      April 10, 2016 at 2:14 am

      Is he your dad’s mate -as in age mate, older, married? If he is, please, do not consider. If he’s single, well, see how it goes…..in other news, if JULIUS is reading this article, he must be having a laugh at the comments. Oh Julius!

    • For DADDY's Girls Only.

      April 10, 2016 at 7:57 am

      @PinkNailz, please IMMEDIATELY break off ALL communication and relationship with your father’s colleague.
      There are many “”cute guys”” out there all over the face of the earth and populating Nigeria and Lagos like no man’s business.
      You, however, will only ever have one father. Do NOT disrespect him. Do NOT leave/make him open to disrespect. Do not open his —— to his co-worker, to his co-workers (because this “”cute guy”” will CERTAINLY (don’t doubt it, there’s NO way it won’t happen) tell other colleagues once you and he start dating and especially, once he’s slept with you: HE HAS SEEN YOUR FATHER’S NAKEDNESS ONCE THAT HAPPENS, and there’s NO way he will not lose respect for your father, in one way or the other, whether he acknowledges it or not, and it will surely manifest in their relationship; don’t turn your father to an object of scorn by him, and an object of pity in his office, by other colleagues, who will know what is going on, and he is the last to (never) know).
      Please, take it from one who has traveled the road of life some way, and wants the best both for you, and for your father (and your entire family because if you bring shame to your father, you bring shame to your family).
      If the “”cute guy”” is not married, tell him you don’t quite understand what he is “”glad it’s mutual””. When/if he states his feelings clearly, if you like him so very much and want so badly to have a relationship with him, then tell him you’re not quite sure it’s appropriate or convenient or in order even for him to express such to you given his working relationship with your father, and that if he’s really serious, he should run his intentions, (just dating even, not marriage) by his colleague, as is only right and proper, because there’s no other way you’d ever even consider his application.
      If he’s a decent person, he would inform his colleague in the office, whom he works with every day, that he’s friends with his daughter on social media (in the first place!), how much more that he is attracted to her and wants to take it further. If he was a decent, well-intentioned man, he would have done/would do even that already.
      Anything else, would amount to him doing to your father (I can’t say the word), what he wants to do with you, (apparently clandestinely).
      You think about it and put yourself in your father’s shoes/place: would you, as a father, want your male colleague having sex with your precious daughter?
      Do you know everything your father suffered over you? The illnesses you had, how they cared for you, what they went through, doctor’s bills they paid? How they slaved and worked to give you an education? provide good shelter for you? put food in your mouth? keep you clothed? His dream and hopes to stand proudly, before friends, family, colleagues, associates, at the altar one day and say “”I do””, when the question is asked: “”Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?””, after he would have been properly approached and his approval and blessing sought, with all the expected and due respect and ceremony, by another family and their son for your hand?
      Would you, in your father’s place, as a parent, want your colleague in the office, male or otherwise, to be having a ”friendship”, communicating with your daughter, without your knowledge?
      Yet/And every day, he smiles with you, works with you, and all the time, he’s stabbing you in the back, killing you softly, grooming your daughter for a sexual relationship, or any kind of relationship, SECRETLY.
      END IT, NOW. PLEASE.
      And, if you love your dad, truly, maybe find a way to tell him? He may be angry initially, but in the end he’ll be so proud of you and so appreciative that you love and respect him that much to tell him.

  16. Jagbajantis

    April 8, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    All human relationships whether platonic, cordial or romantic are transactional. Only God’s is unconditional. We all barter some kind of tangible article or intangible abstract to retain or process loyalty, care or friendship. That is human nature.

    You see that your mother who you love so much. You are her pride and joy right now because you make her proud of you. You send money home; or you married early like she wanted and bore her a grandchild; your success has made you boastworthy, and she can brag to her friends about how you have come up in the world, about your new apartment/job/car or about how you can afford to buy and eat chicken every day or afford fuel no matter the hike/scarcity of it. That is the equity you give her.

    But the moment you fall off in life by either entering a life of crime, like say if you were caught carry heroin to Indonesia, or you became a lay-about with no means of survival, your value drops exponentially.

    In the same vein, you and your best friend are good friends because you rub off each other. You both have common interests to a degree. So there is social transaction fed by an affinity and understanding that you add value to each other. The moment she upgrades to Banana Island, and you remain in your father’s BQ, some of that transaction becomes lopsided. Before long it tilts like a sand hourglass, and you are jettisoned like an old pure water satchet.

    Likewise in the rat race modern society has become. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who doesnt offer value. Back in the days, a woman could marry a man without 2 kobo to rub together. They made it up as they went in marriage. Now it is a social contract and you must deliver consideration. Does she have culinary skills. Good. Now can she hold a professional job and bring income to the family or is Africa Magic 24/7 and laying about her specialty. Can he perform? Will his genes produce good looking photo-worthy pictures I can put on Instagram, or will the Olumo Rock big head that runs in his family genes condemn your offspring.

    Now in Nigeria, a lot of people are so distorted in their thinking, that a sense of entitlement makes them believe anyone who is close to them should also be emotionally, sexually or financially available. It is an anomaly of the military years. Even some girls cannot deal with genuine acts of friendship offered in good faith. You give a girl a ride, or help her with something, and she is ready to offer your punani in payment. Sometimes even girls who will probably not sleep with you, worry that because you didnt make a move on them, it may be that they are unattractive or that you are gay. Gentlemen in Nigeria finish last, especially when the town criers (usually females) are spreading their story.

    In the same vein, people have lost the ability to do good and not expect anything in return. The award/reward system is as rotten as the mindset of most people. Everyone expects a reward for doing their fucking job or civic duty.

    • Iris

      April 9, 2016 at 10:33 pm

      We can now drop our offerings and share the grace. End of! ??

  17. ebi

    April 8, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    Just noticed that most pple didn’t comprehend this story. Well we all have confided in and have been close to a guy or babe one way or the other before they got married . So all the pple saying “dont confide in someone’s husband” are loosing the essence of this story. I still knw for sure that there are some married men n women who still confide in their exes.

    • Na Wa!

      April 9, 2016 at 1:07 pm

      Ebi, ee do comprehend. But the moment he got married, he was no longer ’emotionally available’. The fact that some married people confide in their exes doesn’t make it right….

    • Ebi

      April 9, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      Read the article again. Her personal story was as reference to the main point of the article. Miss goody two shoes!! but your eye can’t see pass married man matter. I bet you’re probably in a transactional relationship as we speak.

  18. eriviv

    April 8, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    Na wah oh!!! Be objective people. Lol!!!

  19. Puredymondz

    April 8, 2016 at 9:49 pm

    Oh well…..that’s an eye opener. Thanks for sharing.

  20. .....

    April 8, 2016 at 10:11 pm

    As much as I trust my husband and I’m not bothered if he has female friends. Hell has to freeze over before he has a female friend that confides in him and calls him everyday. It is extremely inappropriate to have such closeness with someone who is married. It doesn’t matter how emancipated all parties involved all parties are.

  21. Lady S

    April 8, 2016 at 10:17 pm

    Well as a girl in her earliest 20s, the little I have learnt from my just beginning life pertaining to the opposite sex is that opposite sex friendships is a really dicey situation. So I have given myself brain and I say “no” to close male friendships except the guy in question is “gay”. The male folk aren’t wired to see females as just friends except in few cases… Talking from experience (mine and others)

  22. Lucinda

    April 8, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    This is an eye opener indeed. I might forward this as a link to my male friend. I don’t tell him much about myself but we’re close. Some people think we are dating too.
    Though he’s not married and I don’t see myself marrying him, I think we will continue to be friends after he gets married (not as close as before).
    And although I made it clear to him I’ll never sleep with him but obviously I guess he will need to be reminded regularly.

  23. Sultana

    April 8, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    True and well said ma’am on transactional relationships. On Julius I actually experred that the fact he was married shoulda been the major reason you weren’t ready to rumble with him but instead you listed ALL the qualities bout him you didn’t like before barely mentioning his status.
    the guy is a very irresponsible someborri sha. If you were not respectable that’s how you’ll have been servicing each oda on the side aka sidechic inc! It is well with our marriages

  24. eric

    April 8, 2016 at 11:27 pm

    Did we all read the same article? BN should have just changed the heading to “confiding in a married man” because that’s all you judgeeners deduced and i’m sure it’s married women judging the most. Na wa sef!! From what I read it’s even because he’s married that’s why she felt comfortable with him.

  25. Olayemi

    April 9, 2016 at 12:19 am

    Like most ladies, I had more male friends than female. However, my rule has always been to create a distance once the guy gets into a relationship not to talk of marriage. It has helped to keep the friendship without hurting their partners. Thankfully, they seem to understand and don’t ask questions.
    Lately, I have found myself “friendless”. That’s because at my age, I should be married (that is not forthcoming though). It means most of my male friends are now married. The last of them will be getting married next weekend :). For this reason, I have been subtly searching for like minded male friends. It’s even more difficult now that I am not in Naija, my comfort zone.
    The chances of getting such friendships is limited. First, a matured mind would likely have a relationship already or soon after. Now, I am just hoping my very own bobo comes along jare. My husband seems to be the only reasonable option. Na make he be my best friend o. My life and marriage would be so much fun that way.

    • Theo

      April 9, 2016 at 12:30 am

      See the box you placed yourself in? Because in your mind you can’t be friends with your friends because they are in a relationship or married. So when you marry your boo now will he cut ties with his friends because of you.

      But naija ppl dey tire person. The article is about “Transactional Relationships” see how y’all have turned it on its head to something else.

    • pearl

      April 9, 2016 at 6:52 pm

      @ Theo wat do u mean by d box she has placed herself? She is a responsible person nd definitely someone who respects nd treats her likewise will come nd she wnt experience gurls like uru around her husband. LooooOl( I laugh in Spanish cos am waiting for ur attacking comments) d truth hurts either ways

  26. Mi

    April 9, 2016 at 12:28 am

    Men and women CAN be real friends, however boundaries must be drawn -and drawn well. Meaning, there are very few women who call their beasties everyday, or even their parents. Such close contact is bound to make emotional connections develop, so either those things are addressed early on or altogether prevented.
    Boundaries need to be firm i.e limiting your calls to the person (you really don’t need to call them everyday no matter how much of a confidant they are), never being in the house alone with them or not accepting some type of gifts from them, or you can even develop a cordial relationship with their wives,
    There should be a difference between a close friend and a confidant, and the way the OP described it above, the lines are very blurred.
    Personally, I have some married males that are very close to me and I value their input in several aspects of my life but I make sure to set very firm boundaries.

  27. naijabritish

    April 9, 2016 at 1:10 am

    Hmmmm, this has happened to me and in this case I was the wife. This chic keeps calling hubby almost everytime for random things that doesn’t even make sense. granted they were friends before but boy this dude is now married have some respect.. Men I had to help myself as this world is too dangerous to be doing mumu things oooo. I don’t want to hear stories that touch. women please learn from this you cannot be confiding and doing bestie with married man biko. its not right at all.

  28. Kim kim

    April 9, 2016 at 7:05 am

    U guys are so confused. So no one is saying anything about the married man who doesn’t want to respect his vows to his wife, but you all are heaping the blame on Uru?? Kim K and Jonathan have been Best friends long before she even got married and they are still very close. They are as close as any two bffs can be. You all need to stop with the double standards already!! And encourage your males to have more self control. Why should a married man be asking his female bff for love?? Isn’t he married?? What about his wife?? Does Kim go about asking Jonathan for love?? What nonsense is that. The man is the one who needs to get his acts under control. Uru, u aint the one at fault, he is. That sort of person is not worth being friends with.

    • pearl

      April 9, 2016 at 6:55 pm

      @ Kim Kim U didn’t read d part where she ws d one doing d calling nd confiding? Did d man go to her? Hiaaan. U put ur hand inside hot oil now u dey complain say e burn U. Wen d man is to blame we will do dat bt in dis situation she asked for it

    • Diamond

      April 9, 2016 at 11:27 pm

      Pearl!!!! Are you blind?? Didn’t you you read where she said when she moved back he would call and check up on her. Haba!!! You need help oh

  29. Exotique

    April 9, 2016 at 8:07 am

    @jagbajantis: you nailed it!!!! EVERY relationship is transactional. . No one truly gets into anything without considering expected benefits. That’s the truth. And since we have turned the post into male and female friendship, I discovered for myself sadly that it takes a lot of work and continual maintenance of boundaries for men and women to be just friends.

  30. Emeka

    April 9, 2016 at 10:55 am

    This is the problem with the world. Warped sense of reasoning. Dude could have been single and it wouldn’t have made a difference. She saw a friend in him and he decided he wanted more, which is normal and happens nearly 100% of the time. It doesn’t mean we stop having friends. Married, single, Gay, transgender or Bi this shit happens all the time. So stop being stuck up your own ass about not confiding in a married man. Bunch of hypocrites

  31. Hadee

    April 9, 2016 at 11:20 am

    Mehn I have decided that close male and female friendships don’t work. I had a close male friend at some point and after a while, he started trying to make me leave my boyfriend for him. I had to block him everywhere cos he wouldn’t stop disturbing me to date him. Another male friend started acting weird that we shouldn’t be close again which was very weird to me cos there were times when we wouldn’t talk for weeks and we never hang out or call each other on the phone. Most of the convos were via whatsApp and they weren’t inappropriate at all and so there were clear boundaries. So I have decided that my boyfriend will be my only close male friend henceforth. Close platonic male friendships are too much drama Abeg.

  32. Rose

    April 9, 2016 at 11:54 am

    I get that they were friends and all…but my only thing is why did she not cut the HE Goat off once he requested for more….am sorry but for me that is more than enough for her to know that the friendship is not worth having anymore….whatever you feed grows….what you dont feed dies….this man might think your just forming hard to get while patiently waiting for your vulnerable moment to prey….twisted but true… Pls buy yourself common sense and cut him off…Don’t play with fire except you want to get burned….

  33. Viva

    April 9, 2016 at 8:44 pm

    Nowadays, everybody want to be one form of celebrity or the other. They now turn to Personal advisers and special advisers without them receiving sense when they are supposed to … Mtcheww.
    When I got married, I noticed one thing,,. My male friends reduced their usual calls, and I did the same thing bcos I now have a family and I don’t receive odd calls.
    My Uru, u found ur confidant in the wrong person and try applying wisdom in ur search for a new confidant b4 u break people’s home/marriage.

  34. deepee

    April 9, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    Firstly, I think it’s wrong to have a married man as a close friend. At the point in the article where you mentioned you call him everyday; wrong wrong. He’s married! His wife should be his closest friend not you. IMO if one needs to vent and doesn’t have a close friend, get a writing pad and vent. Or talk to the God u believe in. You’ll be amazed how guidiance comes.

  35. deepee

    April 9, 2016 at 9:47 pm

    Firstly, I think it’s wrong to have a married man as a close friend. At the point in the article where you mentioned you call him everyday; wrong wrong. He’s married! His wife should be his closest friend not you. IMO if one needs to vent and doesn’t have a close friend, get a writing pad and vent. Or talk to the God u believe in. You’ll be amazed how guidiance comes. On the topic, I believe nothing goes for nothing. Everything is transactional ; to use ur language…lol.

  36. Diamond

    April 9, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    You people trying to get these married women to see the true essence of this article are wasting precious time. While I was reading it, the minute I got to where she said he was married in my mind I thought all the witches of eastwick will fly out from all the corners of the earth soon as they see this and forget why Uru wrote this. Nonsense!!. It’s ridiculous because the men you guys are fighting about aren’t even worth the trouble.

    You Pearl up there saying something about “girls like Uru” you be mumu oh! I hope for your sake your husband is a saint and has never consciously or unconsciously done anything outside your marriage (that’s if you have a husband sef) cos you may just be an ordinary judge who likes to follow the crowd.

  37. Chi

    April 10, 2016 at 3:30 am

    Nobody is saying what the man did was not wrong…but for the writer to be calling a married man daily I don’t care even if they are family (i.e. Uncle, cousins) and is not as close to the wife its Very Weird. Imagine some woman was calling your Father DAILY would you not find it weird….do you think your mother would find it ok. Btw I’m not married, in life certain things require wisdom. Do unto others as you would like to done to you. To the person that mentioned Kim/ Jonathan does he call her everyday and at one point was there not a big question mark about his sexuality

    • Diamond

      April 10, 2016 at 9:08 am

      Chi!! You still failed with your response!! You people still don’t get it! Him being married had nothing to do with him proposing a transactional relationship. And as someone mentioned up there you have made the woman the aggressor instead of chastising the man for wanting to step outside his marriage. you think these type of friendships don’t exist? But of course wisdom is applied when boundaries are crossed and that’s exactly what she did, applied wisdom. Did the man? No!

  38. SlimFit

    April 11, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    Well I had to comment on this after reading most of the comments. As a guy, I don’t believe in being close friends with the opposite sex because no one has complete control over what he or she feels. Also I have noticed that some Nigerian babes take advantage of this by friend zoning u, but mke u do all the bf duties without getting the bf benefits. Pls and pls set clear boundaries to avoid stories that touch and unexpected feelings.

  39. sammiewolf

    April 12, 2016 at 11:30 am

    I think the point isn’t that he is MARRIED, (which is just as bad), but that he proposed a TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP, totally wrong coming from someone who’s supposed to be a friend. That said, I think where boundaries are not clearly and deliberately set, feelings are bound to creep in-It’s natural, we’ve all been there. Some of us, many times over. (sometimes na we first catch the feelings, sometimes na the other person, sometimes it’s mutual, sometimes it’s not.). But once a Friend of the opposite sex gets married, or even engaged sef, any contact at all should be minimal (especially in this fast paced world). Like really, you don get enough time for your spouse sef?

  40. Suebeezy

    April 23, 2016 at 5:48 pm

    women like you are a huge annoyance to married women. why are you so invested in a married man? you are having an emotional relationship with the man. Go find a single guy to listen to your problems.

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