Connect with us

Features

Iniobong Umoh: Are You a Fine Girl?

Published

 on

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photos-black-beauty-short-hair-perfect-skin-image34546993It is an open secret. Many are aware of it, many are not aware. Some practice it consciously, while some do so unconsciously. It is a way of life, it is an attitude. The concept of fine girlism has been imbibed by many Nigerian girls. Yemi Alade croons in Pepper dem; “To be fine girl no be beans”, it is not easy to be a fine girl. Everybody likes fine girls. I am a guy and I like fine girls- the drop dead gorgeous ones. In-fact, one can say that fine girls rule the world.

‘Fine’ is an adjective and in this piece, ’fine’ refers to physical beauty; comprising of the facial and body features. You enroll into the school of fine girlism by birth. The sole criteria for enrollment is the possession of a fine or pretty face/body. A fine girl is a female between the ages of 1-60 years. Yes, a 60 year old granny can still be a fine girl because age is just a number.

However if a girl does not have a natural fine face, she can still enroll in to the fine girlism school of thought by transforming her not-so-fine face to a fine one, even if it means undergoing plastic surgery.

Have you ever seen a fine Nigerian girl? Her eyebrows are always arched, her nose is pointed, her lips are pink and soft, her eyes are bright and sparkling, her complexion is creamy. Her mammalian glands are full and firm, they are not flat and do not adopt an Olympus has fallen posture. The fine girl is slim and not fat. Even if she is plump by nature, she tries to maintain a slim body shape by losing and watching her weight.

Fine girls use make up on their faces to accentuate their looks. They apply all kinds of facial treatments to have a flawless skin. In-fact, a fine girl’s face must not have any iota of pimples or eczema. If you call yourself a fine girl and your face is littered with blackheads and spots, you are not a fine girl and you should be expelled from the school of fine girlism.

Having a flawless face is sacrosanct because your face is the first thing that people notice about you. It is your face that would make HarrySong to start singing; “Fine geh, better pikin e be like say you sabi the thing, fine geh!”

The concept of Fine girlism frowns upon having an obese body shape. Your fine girlism is enhanced if you have a tall intimidating height that make people look up to you. If you are short or almost dwarfish, you have to find a way of adding artificial inches to your height. This can be done by wearing high heels and prancing around everywhere so that people can notice you.

A fine girl cannot afford to wear ugly clothes. It is an aberration. Your outfit must be gorgeous in conformity with your fine face. You can’t afford to wear old and clownish looking dresses. You must wear the latest outfits. They must be trendy and sexy. A fine girl only wears designers materials bought from the top brand fashion stores. Your accessories must follow similar fashion. Your necklaces, earrings, bags, rings, shoes etc must be classy and expensive.

Fine girlism is a lifestyle which must be reflected in all your endeavours and choices; the places you live in, the places you go to, the things you buy, the way you speak etc. You cannot afford to disgrace the school of fine girlism by acting otherwise. As a fine Nigerian girl, you are expected to speak in American and Britico accent always-never mind if you have never crossed Cotonou border in your life. If you must speak in your indigenous language, it must be at home and to very few close family members and friends who would not reveal your secret.

You would be expelled from the school of fine girlism if you are caught eating eba, akpu, foo-foo, kunu, egusi, okra, ikokore, abacha nla, cocoyam, usung ikpong, soaking garri & groundnut and other local dishes. You must eat pizza, sharwama, cake, drink canned fruit juices, champagne, and a whole lot of other intercontinental dishes.

A central foundation of Fine Girlism is the attitude of Shakara. Shakara as defined by the league of frustrated lover boys is simply “forming”. Forming is the pretentious air that fine girls put up everywhere they go. Fine girls walk with a distinctive style that seem to make their legs not to touch the ground; a sort of ethereal floating footstep.

Fine girls do not respond to cat calls and toasting by the opposite sex. They pretend not to hear when they are being called. As a fine girl, you must ignore the many chykers who would be vying to get your attention. Just continue walking with your head held high. If they abuse you for not granting them audience, you must not respond, just move on…they can only see, they can’t debe, apologies to Helen Paul.

However as a fine girl, you must ensure that you have chykers appealing to you every day. If you go out on a day and you don’t have lovesick men asking you out, it means your fine girlism quotient is declining. So, if you have to hire men to stand at strategic positions in the road to chyke you, please do so, because fine girlism is a way of life.

Pay no attention to those who criticize or point out your character flaws to you, they are haters. They do not know that the possession of a good character is not a criteria for a fine girl like you.

As a fine girl, you are expected to have a legion of suitors and admirers willing to spend money on you. You must be able to put them on a leash and make them pay for your materials needs, while giving them the encouragement and hope that you would one day say, ‘Yes’ to them and date them if they only they can ‘spoil’ you harder with gifts and favours. This is a vital skill that every fine girl must master.

The concept of fine girlism frowns upon you using public transportation when your car owner boyfriends/manfriends can give you a ride to wherever you want to go to. If you have not sat on the front seat of fifty different cars since this year began, your fine girlism is shaky.

The school of fine girlism does not place premium value on intellectualism. Fine girls can always get what they want without having to use their brains. Fine girls do not struggle for jobs after school. They get the jobs ahead of their male counterparts. So if you are in the university, reading and studying shouldn’t be your concern, because with just a wink of your eye, all your male lecturers would fall under the spell of your fine girlism and dash you ‘A’ grades.

If you are naturally brilliant, good for you! However, if intelligence is as far as the East is from the West in your case, flee from all places or circumstances where premium value is placed on intelligence.

You know, there are certain people in the world who do not like fine girls, they do not subscribe to the school of fine girlism. Don’t mind these people who do not know that fine girlism is all what matters in the world, they think everything in the world should be about books and complex theories, avoid them!

Do not go to anywhere where you would be asked to give a speech, answer a question or contribute your idea towards an issue or subject matter, because when you would be called upon to say something, your mind would be as blank as an empty bottle.

Can you imagine their reaction when they notice that a fine girl like you cannot give a simple answer to a simple question?

Can you imagine the look on their faces when they realize that you cannot spoke good English? That would be a humiliation for you and may even earn you a dismissal from the school of Fine Girlism for bringing the name of the institution to disrepute.

So my fine girl, do your thing; don’t mind the haters because to be fine girl no be beans.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Iniobong Umoh is a multi-contextual writer, story teller and brand content creator. He writes with a touch of humour, satire and reality.Email: [email protected] IG: @ini_leroi Twitter: @iniobong_

33 Comments

  1. keke

    June 27, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Sarcasm at its zenith!

    • Kosi

      June 27, 2016 at 5:00 pm

      Is it just me or is this article stolen from toke makinwa’s most recent vlog about “baby gehs”?

    • U.E

      June 27, 2016 at 5:22 pm

      Not just you.

    • MUSE

      June 28, 2016 at 12:14 pm

      I thought so too.

  2. Hordunayor

    June 27, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Lovely write up, love the use of the satire

    • Iniobong Umoh

      June 27, 2016 at 5:28 pm

      Thanks Hordunayor 🙂

  3. Spunky

    June 27, 2016 at 2:16 pm

    Interviewer: what is your aspiration in life?
    Fine girl:my aspiration in life? …aspiration?…huh!…My aspiration in life…would be…to be happy…huh huh huh!! Reading this reminds me of the lyrics (pretty hurts). Beauty is perfect if balanced with the right attitude, composure, brain and most importantly, humility. The contrary will be a disaster.

    • Iniobong Umoh

      June 27, 2016 at 8:15 pm

      On point! @Spunky

  4. Tony

    June 27, 2016 at 2:28 pm

    I wish I could show this to some people but that’ll be considered being shady so I’ll just sip my tea

    • mami

      June 27, 2016 at 3:10 pm

      Not shady…..hating……you are a hater….fine gal don do u something…..how about fine boys……smh……the fine boys we have around now think the sun rises and sets on their ass……I know a fine Tony……complete blonde…..if it’s u…..u wouldn’t even know what that means…lol

  5. Left Hand Bionic

    June 27, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    was almost drawing blood after the 7th paragragh ….. phewwwwww….. Sarcasm …… Nice one

  6. tunmi

    June 27, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    I dont gerrit

  7. Miss me

    June 27, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    @tunmi if you don’t get it, then you are a fine girl…LWKMD

  8. Violet

    June 27, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    If i start to talk… *sips tea*

    • Iniobong Umoh

      June 27, 2016 at 8:13 pm

      @Violet please say what is on your mind

  9. Bodunade

    June 27, 2016 at 3:25 pm

    Tongue in cheek (I know). Sometimes all you need in life is to be a fine girl.
    P##sy is power, imagine how much more power you get when you add your fine-girl to it.
    Moremi saved lives, as a fine girl 😀

  10. anonymous

    June 27, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    lmao anyone hating on any fine girl here is just…hating. Admit that being a fine girl does go a long way in our society now. Good or bad, it’s true

  11. ekama

    June 27, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    Is this not what Toke was all about in her last vlog? Only that she called hers baby girl! Well,i’m big,i eat eba and I don’t ve any boy boy driver so bye

  12. Oga o

    June 27, 2016 at 4:20 pm

    I know this is supposed to be a sarcastic piece but it’s just so nonsensical. What exactly is the import of this article? It’s not funny, it’s not witty, it’s just nonsense really.

    • Kosi

      June 27, 2016 at 5:06 pm

      Let me tell you, I couldn’t agree more. At least toke’s was funny. Kept asking myself, where the heck is this article going?

    • Iniobong Umoh

      June 27, 2016 at 5:30 pm

      @Oga o You are entitled to your opinion

  13. mee

    June 27, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Iniobong Umoh!..u are a very good writer..keep it up oo..I laughed throughout. ..lmao!…very on point something..lol

    • Iniobong Umoh

      June 27, 2016 at 6:19 pm

      Thanks for reading @mee 🙂

  14. Iniobong Umoh

    June 27, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    @Kosi Nope, you are totally wrong. I don’t know who Toke Makinwa is and surely do not have any idea of her vlog. This is my original work.

    • Mims

      June 27, 2016 at 5:52 pm

      LMAO at ” I don’t know who Toke Makinwa is”. Really? Boy bye!

    • Mr. Egghead

      June 27, 2016 at 8:56 pm

      “I don’t know who Toke Makinwa is”

      ? ?
      Ouch!

    • mkm

      June 29, 2016 at 6:12 am

      Lies people tell. you don’t know who she is and you frequent BN. smh boy bye for real!

  15. plenty fine girls on BN

    June 27, 2016 at 6:00 pm

    there are flenty flenty fine girls on BN

    You only see them when it is time for gossip

    On any other article, fogerrit!

    • Iniobong Umoh

      June 27, 2016 at 8:12 pm

      Hahahaha! I love this “Plenty fine Girls on BN” moniker

  16. "changing moniker"

    June 27, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    Gen GEn!!!
    Eyin fine gehs, ewawo nkan!

  17. Tosin

    June 28, 2016 at 5:23 am

    I’m hot tho. Don’t know what they’re talking about lifestyle of fineness. Iz is a work?

  18. africangirl

    June 28, 2016 at 11:18 am

    My thoughts exactly! I just wasted about 7 minutes of my life reading this. I was waiting for the punchline and it never showed up.

  19. missjones

    July 1, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Look at this! Who knew you were a master of satire. Hehehe… You should do a piece on fine boys too.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Cabo Verde Airlines launches Flights to Beautiful Visa-Free Cape Verde

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php