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BN Single Parent Pod: Owning It & Trudging On! 29 Year Old Jane is Living Her Life

BellaNaija.com

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dreamstime_l_52855416This year we introduced the BN Single Parent Pod as an outlet for single parents to share their experiences. {Click here if you missed it}. We kicked off the series with Shola’s really touching story. And last week we shared Anita’s story.

Today, we have an uplifting positive story to share in the series. Single mum, 29 year old Jane* is a financial analyst, who lives in Lagos is the 2nd of three children. She describes herself as “hardworking, intense, and loyal to a fault”

Jane’s story is inspiring and we hope that single parents will find some strength in her experience.

***

Going to Be a Mum? Yay!
I’ve always been a nurturer, so naturally I was excited.

Becoming a Single Parent
I would like to spin a romantic story, but I met him when I was at my lowest, we shared a few things in common and that’s what brought us together.  We hung out frequently and the one time we had sex ….

We weren’t in a relationship, so I didn’t expect him to take responsibility or be pleased he was going to be a dad.  But I felt it would be unfair not to let him know and so I did.  He was supportive at first, taking me to hospital appointments etc and planning the future of the baby with me.

Telling My Son About Having Just One Parent in His Life
My son is only 3 and still too young to understand; but he knows he has family that love him. It might not be your traditional type family, but he has people who care for him and would do anything for him.  When he’s much older, perhaps I will explain to him that a parent is more than just a sperm or an egg donor.

Difficulties of Single Parenting
Trying to explain to your kid why daddy doesn’t live with you.

Going it all alone – The sleepless nights, the hospital trips, juggling work, parenting, childcare, etc all by yourself.

Married women constantly thinking you’re after their husbands… oh and landlords giving you that “where is your husband” look when you go to view a property for rent or assuming you would use the house rented as a brothel.

There is a stigma attached to being a single parent in Nigeria.

The Fun Parts of Being a Single Parent
I know this might sound cheesy, but the journey from the start has been an exciting albeit bumpy one.

My Son’s Relationship with His Dad
Somewhat good relationship.  I ensure he knows who his dad is and his paternal granddad.  I will never deny him that. I try to schedule time for him to spend with his dad, unfortunately, he’s always never around or too busy. When our son was first born, I asked him to give him his name in order for him to feel involved.

Conflicts Arising From Single Parent
It’s a tricky one.  I try hardest to put aside whatever issues we have and do what is in the best interest of my son.

Dating & Moving On
I only recently started dating again and I feel like I’m learning to walk for the first time.  A lot has changed.  The people I’ve met have not been put off by the fact I’m a single mum, if anything, they’re fascinated and want to know more.

Introducing My Son to My New Man
I haven’t introduced anyone to my son because I feel it’s too soon and he’s also too young.  Perhaps when he’s old enough to understand these things

My Support System
I have a loving family who, maybe at first didn’t agree with my decision, but supported and continue to support me.  My mum helps us with babysitting when I need time to myself, my dad helps with the practical side of things advising me on what to do and how to go about things and my siblings spoil my baby.

I also have amazing friends, who are a phone call away to put me in check or pick me up when I’m down.  Especially those days when I start questioning my decision.  You need that support system to let you know everything will be ok in the end.  To make you laugh and forget your worries even if for a minute.

My Advice to you If You Find Yourself in This Situation
I will say, be mentally and emotionally prepared!

Do not be ashamed of your decision.  OWN IT.

Use the months leading up to baby’s arrival to plan and put things in place.  Everyone has a skill – discover yours and use it.

Once the baby is here, there’s no use feeling sorry for yourself or hoping for a helper, do all you can to do right by your child because they didn’t ask to be brought into the world

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.  It might seem rough now, but it will get better with time.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

75 Comments

  1. xplorenollywood.com

    June 27, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    Nice and practical. Great decision dear and may your son grow up to love and care for others just as you have. Not sure I have the will to go through but your story is nice and encouraging for others.

  2. FasholasLover

    June 27, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    Jane, you come across as switched on. Very switched on. But, why would you have sex without protection? It is good that you are a nurturer but, what about the guy.s right regarding preparedness for fatherhood? I can say he ought to Hv insisted on protection if he didn’t want to be a father but l will not condemn him Becos, at the end of the day, who is left holding the baby? Whose life gets disrupted? Who bears the stigma of single parenthood? So, l say the onus is on the woman to take/insist on precautions. You are lucky you hv a strong support system. Good for you.

    • What??!!

      June 27, 2016 at 7:48 pm

      It was 3 years ago, so I would imagine she knows all this by now so pls why are you asking her all this now? So she can return the baby? Keep it moving if you can’t be supportive and can only be judgmental

    • FasholasLover

      June 27, 2016 at 11:38 pm

      Get lost. It’s a blog. Unsolicited views are allowed you know.

    • Bey

      June 27, 2016 at 7:51 pm

      She made a mistake like d rest of us do on a daily basis and has learnt from it.
      Deciding to have a baby by urself isn’t a walk in d park. I dust my hat off to women dat make dat decision. Even being married and having a baby, juggling with work especially as most of our men don’t help out much. I know how hard it is. Much less not having dat support of a partner.
      My dear pls keep up d good work, you seem to be adjusting quite well. Keep away from negative ppl and associate with only dos who wld bring positivity into ur life.
      Thank God for ur family and ur son.

    • anu

      June 27, 2016 at 7:54 pm

      @fasholalover you are quite disturbed

    • Anon

      June 28, 2016 at 12:50 am

      She’s so rude! And her “clap backs” are awful! How can someone be so mean spirited and full of insults over nothing! The babe needs to calm down

    • Nerve

      June 28, 2016 at 1:03 am

      You lot are all the same. On this particular post she is only saying it the way it is. Too many hypocrites on this blog.

    • Bidemi

      June 28, 2016 at 1:12 am

      Plenty lily livered chickens on BN. FL has only said what so many of you are afraid to say. Instead you people are contesting for likes.

    • A

      June 27, 2016 at 8:08 pm

      And what has your epistle taught us???

    • A

      June 27, 2016 at 8:09 pm

      @fasholaslover

    • NIRA

      June 28, 2016 at 9:24 am

      You know condoms break, right? Even if it rarely happens, it happens! So… shit happens.

    • Mama

      June 28, 2016 at 11:18 am

      Nira I fear for your backwardness so in today’s century you still dey for your grandma ma level. So morning after pill never reach your cave. You mean say Brazil i weave done reach but for birth control you still dey for archaic level. Sorry for you.

    • Mama

      June 28, 2016 at 11:15 am

      Thank you fasht lover. Sound advice. One I hope sensible young women will take on board.

    • As myself

      June 29, 2016 at 6:34 pm

      It’s easy to give advise for the mistakes you have not made.
      No one is perfect and sometimes you make make mistakes some you live with some you hide others you abort.
      Please those supporting fasht and fasht of a video of your life is played before will you be proud of all the decisions you have taken.
      Just because single parents carry there children and everyone can see you judge them.
      When you die and resurrect please come back and comment.

    • C

      August 7, 2016 at 10:51 pm

      And you know she didn’t use protection cos you were there?

  3. balamd

    June 27, 2016 at 8:28 pm

    nice..:…….. One

  4. ?

    June 27, 2016 at 9:18 pm

    Sorry bella but what is the point of this segment. Don’t you think Nigeria has enough problems without you guys giving a platform for people to glorify their decision to have unprotected sex. Where are you guys going with this?. You guys are irresponsible. Self inflicted single parenting is a big social problem. One Nigeria is not ready to deal with. This trend has just taken off in nigeria you guys should learn from other affluent countries on what the fallout. It’s a fing bad omen. I’m not even religious, nigeria is not ready to deal with this.

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      June 27, 2016 at 9:40 pm

      Hi 🙂

      Thank you for taking the time to read the post, and leave a comment. Here’s an excerpt from the introductory post as to the different ways a person can become a single parent.

      For avoidance of doubt, and to minimise confusion as to the target demographic. I’ll clarify the ambit of what a single parent home is.

      The single parent home arises mainly from:

      Death
      Divorce/Separation
      Unplanned pregnancy
      Abandonment/Elopement

      ++
      I hope this helps provide a little more clarity on the point you stated about unprotected sex.

      Have a lovely evening.

    • think about it

      June 27, 2016 at 10:14 pm

      God bless you….
      Just can’t stand ignorant people with judgmental behavior & a serious lack of empathy/compassion.

    • ?

      June 27, 2016 at 11:22 pm

      Hi thank you too for taking time to read the story. But please explain all she wrote under the heading Becoming a single parent. Key sentences ” we weren’t in a relationship so I didn’t expect him to take responsibility? “The one time we had SEX…..”. Please she’s a baby mama okay. She’s not the same as women who find themselves single parents from circumstance beyond their control. Let’s not get it twisted. And yes this rise of glorifying baby mama is a trend. A very dangerous one as that. Maybe it’s common in your family. Were I come from woman are empowered to make the right decision regarding their self worth. One of the outcomes of that is women protecting themselves , not just from unplanned pregnancies but from horrible STDS. There are two types of women. Ones who fall in lust/love throw caution to the wind and have unprotected sex plus all the consequences of it and the modern 21st century woman who falls in love with herself first, understands her worth, falls in love with a guy and enjoys episodes of protected sexual encounters. These women coming out here to write bout their feelings and acceptance of babymamahood. I just wonder if they ever give a thought about how the teenage child would feel growing up as second best. Prehaps deciding to also start a single parent family to. Maybe if women though more about the feelings of the child and less on their carnal feelings maybe condoms , morning after pills birth control would not be such an alien concept. Adios. I got episodes of Game of Thrones to catch up on . You need to go cook stew for your babies?

    • FasholasLover

      June 27, 2016 at 11:54 pm

      Don’t mind them. All of a sudden BN has become an association of Mary Poppins. All comments are sugary and sweet. Everybody is afraid of upsetting the apple cart. Her husband did not walk out on her, It wasn’t a committed relationship that went south. She did not become a babymama due to loss but by choice. No one is even talking of STD that could have been contracted here. Yet, wpmen and girls here dragged Sophia Momodu thru the coals. The hypocrisy and cherry picking of what is right and what is wrong is nauseating. Association of hypocrites.

    • Anonymous

      June 27, 2016 at 10:00 pm

      I have a sister who is a single parent to two wonderful kids, not by choice. She is divorced, she left her husband who was verbally and emotionally abusive. She is the happiest she’s been in years now that she is a single parent. Before you take the moral high ground, people become single parent due to so many reasons, not just sex outside wedlock!!! Even for those who have kids outside wedlock, do not judge, leave that to God and guess what, I am religious!

    • Cookies?

      June 28, 2016 at 9:28 am

      @ Anonymous,the point @June and @Fasholalover are trying to make is that this particular case of single parenthood could be avoided. We all know there are certain cases of single parenthood that’s totally out of control of the victim of such circumstance(s). However, one should know that engaging in unprotected sex, can result in pregnancy which could have been avoided by the poster. On this premise I agree with June and Fasholalover. Plus we don’t always have to share similar views on topics that require our “sympathy or empathy” as the case may be. So you guys should chill.

    • Mama

      June 27, 2016 at 10:04 pm

      Unplanned pregnancies have been in Nigeria since time immemorial whether you want to accept it or not.

      We should start talking about this instead of sweeping it under the carpet and pretend it doesn’t exist.

      I’m glad this post at least was different from the other ones showing a different less depressing side to single parenthood.

    • NIRA

      June 28, 2016 at 9:29 am

      Exactly! Nothing new about single parenthood. My grandma had a son before she married my grandpa years later, and that was in the 50s o! And condemning it won’t make it stop either.

    • Not Right

      June 28, 2016 at 11:09 am

      Nira, you are also a single mother if l am correct. Pardon me if l am wrong. Be honest, are you happy? Do you wish you were more sensible? Does your child miss the dad? The men coming to you now are they the types you prayed for? The ones you like, do they stay after finding out about your status? Or are you managing and making do/ settling for Mr. Available? Let us not deliberately mislead the youth on BN.

      This poster was reckless. Simple.

    • Stephanie b

      June 27, 2016 at 10:19 pm

      No it is not new to Nigeria. Single parenthood whether from pre-marital sex, divorce etc has been around for decades. I grew up with many Nigerians from single parent homes. This segment is good for those in similar shoes and can help encourage others who may feel down due to how society views them.

    • Bey

      June 27, 2016 at 10:29 pm

      My dear you are always free to skip dis segment if you’re not okay with it.
      I don’t read every post on Bella, d one’s dat are not my cup of tea I just skip.

    • Who are you?

      June 27, 2016 at 10:57 pm

      @ June. You are very mean hearted person. So single parents shouldnt have a voice. And who are you to ask that a particular group of people( single parents) be marginalized or ostracized ! May God forgive you.

    • hmm

      June 28, 2016 at 8:11 am

      @June You do realize that Naija women have been having children out of wedlock sinceeee right? However, because of the stigma society and people like you put on it, Alot of women sadly ABORT their babies. I know a lot of friends that did that because of the fear of the stigma of being a single mother. When I first saw this segment I was quite happy that finally women can see that they don’t have to always abort their babies. You can make the decision to keep your child and be a parent without thinking your future is tainted because of it.
      So well done Bella on this new segment. And as other have said, becoming a single mother can also occur from, divorce, death of spouse, or abandonment. So please think before you write unnecessary epistles on your disdain for a worthy cause that can help single parents.

    • Ajala & Foodie

      June 28, 2016 at 5:11 pm

      Gosh, I only read some of the original comments and golly am I disgusted. Sometimes i wonder why i even try, day in day out i lose hope in us as a nation. We are a bunch of sanctimonious and judgmental bigots and all disguise it under religious babble. I will not mention names but you know yourselves, there is a reason why Jesus said “he who is without sin let him cast the first stone” was God trying to glorify prostitution??? is that why that particular story made it into the Bible? The truth is many of us are no better than the pharisees of Jesus’ day.

      This column as Ms. Atoke pointed out in her response is to encourage those that have found themselves in such a situation, we can sit on our high horses all day and try to act like we are above reproach but the truth is single “parenthood” whether by unprotected sex or by other circumstances has been happening even before Jesus and will continue to happen. You can choose to only see what you have perceived as negative side to this column or you can choose to see it in the positive light in which this column is being introduced. The lady like many others made a mistake and has grown from it. Do we really think someone out there can not learn from it????

      Being a single parent whether by choice or by circumstance beyond one’s control is never easy and takes a ton of courage. Many have chosen to terminate said pregnancy. The need to pass judgment or silent people such as this author is not only wrong, it is just us human’s trying to inflict pain on another and that is us playing God. Do we think God is not mighty enough to pass out “punishment” as he deems fit? why do we think it is our place play judge on others? We are no better than ISIS, BH or the evil witch that cut off the little boy’s penis to get back at his father. Our words and actions are just as destructive, the only difference is that unfortunately no one can throw us into jail for this.

      The one talking about protection, after the fact , is not only a case of putting the cart before the horse, It is however, on this same forum (BN) that many discuss how they get it on with their BFs and their friends with benefits, the truth is it can be anyone of you, protection is not 100% guaranteed, pills fail, condoms burst or have holes in them or you can get caught up in the moment and you end up pregnant should we condemn you for this??? Does that make your story irrelevant or insignificant?Should we insist that your voice be silenced???

      I guess it is statements like many of the ones above and the many likes that indicates that we have a very long way to go as a country. We only carry religion on our heads, many of us don’t understand what a relationship with God means and that’s why hatred and evil is still the order of the day in our society. I am yet to see any religion that says God is about hatred, we claim our God is a God of love yet we spew hate and judgement and we really think God lives in us? Yet we condemn those that choose not to believe in God, when all they see is so much hate and judgment from those of us that claim we do.

      I apologize for the rant but golly do we need a check in this country!!!!

  5. hmnnn

    June 27, 2016 at 10:41 pm

    Its about time someone speaks out on bella naija about this premarital sex and single parent issue!
    Not everyone will have thier first sex on thier wedding night !
    Not everywoman has a perfect marriage or relationship and in one way or the other have ended up as a single parent.
    Pls note, being a single parent is NOT Stigma!
    In fact there a couple of single dads out there raising their kids too & not just mums.
    Single parenting is not a trend, the truth is that prior to now many parents stayed in hostile, toxic, and abusive relationships until the children became of age. Some parents died in such relationships , some became psychologically broken & scarred for life.
    Marrying , dating, or raising/having a child with the wrong person is one of the toughest challenges on earth , never ending. Espacially in the western world. In extreme cases it can be like a living hell.

    Pls allow people to leave thier lives freely, and move on in whatever situation they have found themselves in.
    You are in love and happily married one day , there is no gaurantee that the love will last forever.
    For example , my friend’s hubby walked out on her and thier child till today, she got back from work , hubby had packed his things and moved in with new girl just like that. what should she do kill herself or constantly get judged by people like you? @ fashola’s lover.
    Back to the issue of premarital sex , some people have sex before marriage and some dont period! .
    And people should stop all this holy sacrimony, no sex before marriage, yet some of them have the most wicked hearts , and thier marriages still gets problems or even hits the rocks.
    In a nutshell, my point is every one has different journey’s some will have sex before or after marriage , some unions will work and some sadly wont.
    for the record several single parents end up finding the right patner and even settle down later on life.
    Live and let live, no one’s life is perfect. Everyone is has thier own struggle’s.
    For the record am not single and am neutral on most points raised. But enough bashing of single parents ! raising a child is not a walk in the park even within families with 2 parents.

    • Janice

      June 28, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      Anon the one with Chinese baby face. You are a woman thus can easily be you. Are you for real now! !!. How hard is it to put a condom on or take a pill. The critic is for baby mamas who choose to have unprotected sex not others. Anyway Single hot ladies if you bad use a condom take control it anit Hard. Don’t listen to these sympathisers of midiocracy. You guys are sad excuses for women. Bye!

    • mizwest

      June 28, 2016 at 4:34 pm

      @anon maybe that is the portion reserved for the females in your family. As pe una need to pass exam to say NO To unprotected sex yeye dey smell. Mtchewwww. These are the ones that want to bring up a child by themselves. My dear with that your warped mentality I wouldn’t let you look after my pet guinea pig.

  6. seriously

    June 27, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    @ fashola’s lover, you sound very bitter & irrational.
    You call youself fashola’s lover , fashola a married ex-govenors lover not even wife. You are worse off yourself. If you catch fashola in the dark you will bump him to high heavens . And you are here Juding others. How about you who publicly acknowledges him/herself as a rich married mans lover. Shior …….
    I respect any woman/ man who is single handedly raising a child on her own . Its thier decision , its thier journey , not mine . And honestly who am I to judge, no one knows tommorrow.
    A child is a blessing in every way, and does not stop you or deter a person from getting to the height that God destined or ordained them to be .

    • FasholasLover

      June 27, 2016 at 11:40 pm

      And your life is a dream? Don’t be an asswipe. Ya all should quit this syrupy comments nobody is your best friend here. Or is BN now a gathering of umunna?

    • Anon

      June 28, 2016 at 12:52 am

      You’re a woman…. This could easily be your one day. No matter how smart you are. You could marry as a virgin or become Fashola’s 2nd wife and still. Don’t judge, and if you must express your reservations, surely you can be more polite

  7. sigh

    June 28, 2016 at 12:40 am

    Honestly BN, this segment has a good and bad side. The good side is that it gives single parents a voice and an outlet, the bad side is that it reinforces and strenghthens the stereotype that most black women with kids are baby mamas not divorced moms or widows but babymamas of course this isn’t true but the West doesn’t glorify babymama culture they see it as ghetto and something mostly black people glorify.

    • i agree

      June 28, 2016 at 9:10 am

      I agree with you and fasholalover has some points, this seems like BN is celebrating single parents who became one from their choice or circumstances which could be avoided. there are youths and teenagers who read this blog and when they see something like we had sex just once we werent dating, what message does it pass? we have a lot to teach our younger ones and kids we dont need them feeling like having premarital sex with someone you arent even dating is OK and then getting pregnant from the one night stand isnt a big deal.
      When i see people like CEO Zaron who is a songle mother after her husband died or those who were divorced then it will be a woman empowerment post not one celebrating messingaround with just anyone and claiming you are nuturable. Anita’s post was more realistic and some lessons could be learnt but this? naaaa

    • Maguim

      June 28, 2016 at 10:05 am

      But i dont really get this :” there are teens reading…”
      I was a teenager once, and i wasńt schooled by what i read in books or the net…… But by ly mother’s teachings…… Teenagers do not have to believe and follow everything they read everywhere when parents play their part…..

      Also the thing is….there are single moms/dads…. Why are single mom the only one facing all the cristisim??? This one in particular is doing her part, working and trying her best to be a good parent to her son…. She got pregnant out of wedlock, fact!!! And she took responsability!!! And i salute her!!! I al even proud of her without knowing her!!!! If the bible and our culture are agains having a child out of wedlock, i believe they are also against abortion….isnt it?

    • Wale

      June 28, 2016 at 11:48 am

      I agree my sentiments exactly. Most Nigerian mum’s do not wish this situation on their daughters.

  8. Sarah

    June 28, 2016 at 12:46 am

    I am on the fence with regards to the argument on this write up. However, the comment by @Fashola’slover is targeted at those who sleep carelessly around without any committed relationship with the sex partner. She is not referring to widows, divorcees or those who had committed relationships that didn’t end well.

    • Bidemi

      June 28, 2016 at 1:09 am

      BNers can like to pretend! Chai. This poster is nothing but a baby mama. Fashlaslover and @June have said what many are afraid to say.

    • Maguim

      June 28, 2016 at 10:07 am

      But even if she got pregnant after a one night fling, she took responsability!!!!can we not recognize her efforts?! Was she supposed to repay one bad deed with another one?

  9. Really

    June 28, 2016 at 1:57 am

    Calling your self fashola’s lover. A rich older man who you want to get down with , why because he is will propose to you tommorrow morning or for his money . If one of your proirities in life is to become fashola’s lover , then you are more than likely to keep his pregnancy to keep the money rolling or get rid of the child and clean mouth. Either way you are the real ass licker here, willing to lick the it dry sef as long as the money is rolling in. You pray to be fashola’s lover because his rich , why not some broke ass single guy or even an average joe who can propose to you sooner or later. but no you choose to be a lover to another woman’s husband and even acknowledge this publicly. Girl you need help , and who even told you every woman wants all the drama that comes with some men. Some women just want a child ( a good child) .

  10. God Win

    June 28, 2016 at 2:04 am

    Fashola’s lover changing names & commenting.
    I pity you , people like you who always criticise others & thier lives always end up miserable. Because they think they know it all. Life is a teacher , one day you will surely learn your own lessons too. Watch your tongue, because it might be your turn tommorrow.

    • Newbie

      June 28, 2016 at 11:54 am

      Borrow yourself sense naaa. So every body who does not clap for the poster is fasholaslover?

  11. Middle Aged Profnl

    June 28, 2016 at 3:31 am

    There are women who choose to have children when marriage has not happened for them, and they truly wish to carry, nurture and bring up their own biological child. Life isn’t black and white, there are varying shades of grey. Unless you are similarly situated as someone who makes such a choice, and share the same definition of fulfillment, please learn to respect every individual’s right to chose and define what makes them happy.

    • lacey

      June 28, 2016 at 5:01 am

      @Middle aged Profnl, if marriage has not happened for a woman of marriage able age she can go ahead and adopt legally! I love children,and I respect any woman who would have her child from mistake pregnancy rather than abort! The truth is abstinence is still key,as I do not know where young women of these days are rushing to! I remember years ago I was in 3 [email protected] Uni, I got pregnant for a responsible guy to worked in a multinational! What did I know then nothing! I knew my parents were going to kill me and he said I tried to hook him. I went ahead and had a D&C! Do I regret it now,not at all,as I took the best decision then. The devil accused me a long time over choices I made during my years of youthful exuberance! I appreciate when young ladies take responsibilities for the outcome of their carelessness this days,but it could have been avoided! Please be in proper committed relationship and even HiV is real, please do not allow 10mins enjoyment impact on an innocent child’s well being! The world is just too complex right now for one young woman to be raising a child on her own, it saps energy and moreover for me, I am not sure I can love any Child whose father has not treated me nicely! So I wonder why any woman would want to be in a situation, where a man you give yourself willfully will now turn around and say he does not want the Child! This is not for married women that were deserted by their partners o! As I categorise them victims! And most time God sees them through!but for a young Lady in this time and age to decide that they want to have casual sex this era of Stds and HiV,is very worrying,as did you even find out the person’s status? Even if man tells you to get pregnant before he marries,you as a smart babe you should know he has got fertility issues and he is probably telling same to other Ladies! Women please protect your hearts, same goes for men as well,because a man can be a victim too!

    • veto

      June 28, 2016 at 11:34 am

      at lacey i’m sure your in your twenties that’s why your talking like this. you have plenty years ahead of you so you are very proud of your d & c. honey endevour to get married soon so this opinion will remain because if you wait till 40 and your not married or your married and not able to have a child you will come back and eat your words!!!

  12. Puzzles

    June 28, 2016 at 7:23 am

    When I read this post, I was expecting to see BNers commending her for taking charge of her life, being able to do well professionally and take care of her child both emotionally and financially, because the previous “Single Parents” posts have been from women who are struggling financially to the extent that BN commenters wanted to contribute for them.

    Instead I see condemnation from people who i assume are women like her. Some of you are women who are/will be praying for the fruit of the womb someday.

    Why won’t men mistreat women when their fellow women treat them no better?

    I’m still a virgin, have never even come close to sex. However, I know for a certainty that premarital sex and an unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone. Some ladies did not plan to have sex; they just found themselves in compromising situations with a guy and succumbed into temptation, some ladies were even raped. Condoms and pills are not 100% effective and not only is abortion murder in God’s eyes but since it is illegal in Nigeria, the chances of having an unsafe abortion is high which can lead to serious repercussions if not death.

    Regardless of how a woman became a single mother, they deserve our kindness and support. It’s not fair that she is condemned while the baby father goes scot free. Not one comment condemned the baby daddy. Cases in point: the amount of insults Pero and Anna Banner get is 100 times the insults Tu Face and Flavour get.

    Yes, condemn the babymama trend, but the “Single Parent pod” is not a place to do so.

    I for one am glad the lady has a good job and the support of her family and friends and I wish her success in her life. May she eventually marry a man who would love and cherish her and her baby.

    BellaNaija, perhaps a better way to go about this would be to also feature the stories of single mothers and fathers who got into this situation because of divorce, abandonment or death. I think those complaining are complaining because the last story was as a result of premarital sex and an unplanned pregnancy so it seemed like it would be a pattern.

    • Feminist

      June 28, 2016 at 9:11 am

      Dear virgin you take charge of your life by taking charge of the eggs within you. Every female is a mother before she even holds the child in her arms. As a woman you protect the eggs you have being blessed with. You protect them ftom STD, ROUGE SPERM. If bella are to publish stories of women who have had one night stands leading to babies the women should at least provide lessons learnt not just pat themselves on the back for creating a single parent environment for an innocent child. And further more if you are not in a committed relationship (marriage ) you ve got to have a personal hatred to have unprotected sex with a man not willing to put a ring on your finger. He is ready to protect himself from you by not comitting but you are too weak to protect yourself. Very sad that young girls see themselves as powerless victims.

    • veto

      June 28, 2016 at 11:39 am

      thankyou!!!!! women are our greatest enemies. i commend her for keeping the child no matter the circumstances of conception. some of us writing have done countless abortions and are highly placed in religious institutions. after all its not written on the face that they engage in sex. some have one night stands every weekend but no we can condemn others. I have the utmost respect for women who decide to keep their babies. God is your strenght. i would if i was in the same situation

  13. Gottobesaid

    June 28, 2016 at 7:50 am

    Women are nurturing by nature. You should be making the choice to provide the best security for any child brought into the world. PUT THE CHILD FIRST. Non of this I loved him so offered myself up for unprotected sex. Please!. It’s selfishness. I do not understand the reasoning or upbringing of women who do this. If you can’t protect yourself how in the hell are you going to sololy bring up a child and protect them. Please angry baby mamas stop categorising yourself along side single parents. Just stop it okay. It’s not on. Stand alone the big difference BIG BIG BIG DIFFERENCE is you made the decision to have ad unprotected sex in an unprotected relationship. Women who insist on condoms are not fools okay. Bella please a write up on female empowerment, safe sex, abstinence is badly needed. Stop applauding this nonsense. We have vunerable young women who are going to read and think it’s okay to have unprotected sex after all I will get a cute baby. Hummmmm. Cutie pie baby only last first 2 years after that you on your own. Young ladies PROTECT YOURSELF. finish school, plan holidays with your peers, go clubbing enjoy your life do not let one brief encounter change your destiny and the destiny of an innocent child forever. That picture used in this write up is NOT REALITY. BELLA SHAME ON YOU.

  14. Onyie

    June 28, 2016 at 8:40 am

    “”The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything: They just make the best of everything they have.” Life is not has black and white as some people would like it to be. They are always shades of gray in every situation and people who realise this, are people who live full and rich lives.

    This young lady and people in her situation took a decision that resulted in a consequence and she decided to make the best of her situation. She made a mistake and rather than wallow in self pity she made the best out of the consequence of her mistake. What should she have done please? Forced the guy to marry her and probably go on to leave with someone who hated her? Or should she have aborted the child so that you judgina’s could crucify her on that decision also? Who told you she hasn’t learnt her lesson from this mistake or did she start by saying she set out to have a child out of wedlock?

    Those of us showing her support aren’t lily livered chicken’s. We are the one’s who realise that the journey of life is not a straight road – there will be twisted turns and bumps (the gray areas) and the only way to survive those uncertainties is by making the best of them when they occur.

    To Jane i say weldone! Your journey is just beginning and God will continue to bless you. Please try as much as possible to surround yourself with only positive people and your support system because the judgina’s haven’t even started yet and you’ll need your support system when they do come for you.

  15. Ezinne Osuagwu

    June 28, 2016 at 9:31 am

    thanks BN for this segment. It’s unfortunate that everyone, women especially, get judgemnetal about single motherhood. I always told myself, if I ever got pregnant, I’d keep the baby, and I don’t care how old I am. We all know the consequences of premarital sex. Let’s be plain; Sex is sweet. Conji na bastard, but when God say pikin go come, if u want drink postinor, pikin go

    • Mr. Egghead

      June 28, 2016 at 9:38 am

      Can somebody honestly explain this phrase to me

      “Conji na bastard” I honestly don’t get it.

  16. Ezinne Osuagwu

    June 28, 2016 at 9:34 am

    pikin go come. Make the decision that’s best for you, but don’t go bashing women who have taken up the struggle with their heads held high. Single motherhood is not a trend, it’s our reality, it’s our truth. I’m glad that women are bolder these days and damning our very hypocritical society and taking their lives in their hands. No good decision made comes back to bite you. Kudos to single moms out there. If you want to abort, please abort, but leave the women who live wit their scars alone!

    • sigh

      June 28, 2016 at 10:08 am

      If you want to abort? How about preaching abstinence. I guess that concept is too hard for you or protected sex. It seems like you are an aspiring baby mama. What has happened has happened but black women need to carry themselves with more class and set higher standards for themselves instead of settling for being a baby mama which is different from being a divorced or separated mom or a widow.

  17. Heir To The Throne

    June 28, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Babies are a gift from GOD. This same God some of us claim to know about and worship but know absolutely Nothing about.

    GOD’s gift to a single parent is NOT a mistake or second best or a scar. It’s a bundle of joy, every single step of the way. 9months of discomfort for a lifetime of Joy, Love, ownership and responsibility beyond anything we know. It’s giving whole heartedly that unconditional love that most of us still don’t understand. It is a true definition of Sacrifice.

    Regardless of the circumstance(s), ladies, always #OwnYourThrone. Support each other, Bless each other, LOVE each other, be your sisterskeeper.

    Well done to EVERY SINGLE PARENT out there, You all are the real MVPs.

    Well done team Bella Naija for creating this platform for single parents to connect, share their joys, pains and struggles. It’s a fantastic initiative and I hope some day there’s a @singleparentclub. I’d love to come learn from STRONG mothers like JANE.

  18. Maguim

    June 28, 2016 at 10:29 am

    Sometimes, reading the comments on Bn, thinking about how judgmental we can be as african, i feel ashamed….. And we like to brand ourself as religious/believers, quoting holy books…( and then we wonder why some people dont want to Believé, since we are not even good examples)..
    But as far as i remember the Bible (since i am a Christian) is all bout loving one another, forgiving and uplifting….. And God will do the rest……
    For example, i had sex with my boyfriend, even when i wanted to wait….. And finally found the courage to end the relationship. But i know God loves me above all my sins…. Thank God for who is is…
    I dont think bella is promoting anything here, they are just lending a voice to people that are leaving something out of the ordinary…. That you and I wouldn’t make the same, doesnt make us better….. I dont like dwelling in the past….. When i do something wrong, i wake up and think about the best way to make it right… And thats what she did…… Even if she had premarital, unprotected sex´ which is your own???? And please stop with the lame excuse of ” she is showing a bad example”… To who??? Start and be a good example yourself…..
    At least she is showing to another woman, living in shame because of having a child out of wedlock, that she can have a decent life , that shehas the right to be happy and keep her head up…..

  19. Great Lady

    June 28, 2016 at 10:33 am

    Thank you Jane for sharing your story. I love the fact that you’re confident, taking responsibility for your actions and being in charge of your life. Not like that pity party story we read the last time. God bless and continually keep you.

  20. Wale

    June 28, 2016 at 11:24 am

    Babymama is predominantly a black thang why!!!!!!. Women take control of your thing. Break this generational jinks. Go to school get empowerment. Stop putting yourself up for struggles that are easily aviodable

    • idomagirl

      June 29, 2016 at 3:11 am

      “Babymama” isn’t predominantly a black thing, people think so because that label is somehow only used for black women.
      Go to parts of the UK, US and even the Philippines and see non-black women who are single parents. Some of them have different children from different men but no one calls them babymamas cos they aren’t black.

  21. larz

    June 28, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    “We weren’t in a relationship, so I didn’t expect him to take responsibility or be pleased he was going to be a dad.”
    This is just plain wrong. You both have equal part to play in this situation (from having unprotected sex to have sex outside of a committed relationship etc) but somehow he is absolved of responsibility. This is not right. If single mothers are being shamed for being one, then absentee fathers should also be doubly shamed for the same reasons as the mother as well as for not stepping up to their responsibility. When a family investigate a man for marriage of their daughter, an absentee father (that doesn’t own up to his responsibility as a father) should rank a lot lower than a single mother hustling for her child.

  22. Babygeh

    June 28, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    I’m confused, what’s the diff blw this lady ,davido’s babymama, wiz kids baby mama, and all other babymamas. Cuz the former always seems to be looked down on, while this lady seems to be getting sympathy and the whole don’t judge speech. Bottom line is they all had unprotected sex for whatever reason, so there should be no speacial treatment.If you support this lady then please make sure you support all babymamas. cuz babymama na babymama.

  23. Eni

    June 28, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    Why are people so angry? Like seriously? Amongst all the single mothers featured, this is the only one who is not living from hand to mouth. This is the only one who is comfortable and not looking at handouts from people to take care of herself and her child. Yet, she’s the one who’s being insulted the most. Why? Because she’s doing okay despite being a single mother? Most of you would have preferred that she say she’s suffering and can barely survive! Wow!

    I still don’t understand why people judge single mothers. If someone decides to have (a) child(ren) out of wedlock, how does it affect your own life? Does it take anything from you? Yes, he/she may be shouldering responsibilities meant for two, but still why are you so pained? Some will say the child will not be brought up well, without enough love, will become a vagabond, bla bla bla. What will be, will be. What God has ordained will come to past. Having two parents does not guarantee that a child will be successful.

    Some say, women who have kids out of wedlock should not be put in the same category as divorcees or widows, really? Pray, tell me what the difference is. At the end of the they not all single women raising kids?

    A lot of you are talking about condoms and morning after pills. Some have testified about abortions. At the end of the day, sex is sex. Whether protected or unprotected. Fornication is a sin, not having a child out of wedlock. You have been successful in hiding yours from man, but God is the ultimate Judge and he’s seen your deeds.

    Jane, I applaud your courage. May God bless you and your child. He will become a great person in future and he will make you proud. Always speak positive things about his future. In 20, 25, 30 years, you’ll have the last laugh.

    • Puzzles

      June 28, 2016 at 5:46 pm

      You mind them? They would be happier if Jane was penniless without any form of support so they can “pity” her.

      Instead, the way she presented her article, straight to the point and highlighting the positives she enjoys; support from the baby’s daddy (in the beginning) and family & friends, that she’s a financial analyst and able to fend for herself and her child, that her child has a relationship with his father and grandfather, and that she has even started dating again, robbed them of the opportunity to pity her so they insult her by tagging her “babymama”

      For those of you who call yourselves Christians, you are even applauding your own decisions to have abortions as if you are better than her. On Sunday, you will go to church and sneer at the single mother who chose not to murder her child. Abortion is murder and premarital sex is a sin in God’s eyes if you don’t know. So stop justifying your premarital sexual activities by preaching protected sex. You call yourself a Christian, then “flee from fornication”. That is what God’s word says. Don’t pick one side and practice the other.

    • naijatalk

      June 28, 2016 at 9:43 pm

      Yep, you “gerrit” now. crab mindset

  24. Grace

    June 28, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    Young ladies before you spread your legs for the sake of yeye fowl love matter think of these things
    Price of condom = patta patta 3000 naira
    Morning After pill patta patta 5000 nira

    Price of pregnancy, antenatal care, basic maternity labour fees, essencial basic baby equipment, immunisations and medical, school fees ftom infancy to adulthood. Miminsl amount notting less than 1 million naira X2. Plus limitless supply of unconditional love to support confident well adjust child.
    It’s not worth the hassle use birth control. I applaud ladies who think forward.

  25. tunmi

    June 28, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    Oh my goodness, this place got toxic really fast.

    1. I absolutely commend and applaud you Jane. You made a decision and you have owned it. You faced reality and gave your best efforts in preparing for it.

    2. For the naysayers, BN has countless of wedding posts so no, one small segment dedicated to a very real portion of the population won’t suddenly make BN a promoter of out-of-wedlockness.

    3. Stop trying to police people’s sex lives. People have sex (some don’t). But get this through your heads, people have sex. Some get pregnant and some don’t. STDs don’t exist only in non-married relationships. They happen, oh boy do they happen, in married relationships. So stuff it.

  26. Lil' Miss

    June 28, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    I’m glad you had the compassion (yes compassion) to bring that child to term. I didn’t. Did an abortion for hubby while we were dating (we both felt he wasn’t ready – financially and emotionally). We’ve been married for 3yrs now and we’re still looking up to God for the fruit of the womb. I see my period every month and i weep like a child. If only i’d braved all the odds and left that pregnancy, i probably won’t be chewing Clomid or Fertile Aid like candies right now. Every month my period shows up, i feel like God is sneering at me and snapping His fingers. My husband encourages me everytime saying no God doesn’t act like that – we’ll have kids at the right time. Hmmm

    I was raised by a single mother (divorced), my family has a history of single mums and dads, i agreed not to bring that child to life because i was scared i would end up like my mum and aunties, besides, i felt my mum would die if she heard. I regret that decision every day of 31years on earth. And i’ll keep regreting it even if I’ve got 10 children running around my house so it’s not strictly cos we don’t have kids now.

    It’s OK for people to judge, they’re not walking in your sneakers. It’s so much fun to call her irresponsible all because she was “reckless” like we’ve never been reckless before. Recklessness brought a child to this life – fantastic. Yea, STDs/HIV are real but she didn’t get that in this case so she’s still good.
    You’ll find someone someday, someone who would love and appreciate you despite your ‘baggage’.
    May the Lord be with you.

  27. Zoe

    June 28, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    First of all I’ll like to commend you for carrying your pregnancy to term . You past abstinence, birth control device, condoms’, morning after pill and didn’t stop at abortion well done. my dear you could have used your medium to preach safe sex. It should have come first and foremost in your lessons learnt . I’m disappointed that you did not preach safe sex. That’s why people are coming for you. As a big sister you have younger ones looking up to you for advise and direction I am hoping you tell them about safe sex and not try to normalise unprotected sex. I hope you preach safe sex to your child too.

  28. idomagirl

    June 29, 2016 at 3:14 am

    Lol @ these comments.
    Typical.

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