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Iniobong Umoh: How to Marry a Female Lawyer



Female lawyers move fast in the marriage transfer market. They can be loyal, dependable and protective spouses … if well treated.

My brother, to marry a lawyer, you can start by catching her young when she is still at the university. To do this, you must penetrate her circle. You know student lawyers are always decked in their official black and white outfits. They tend to move together in groups and most times give off a snobbish vibe to the outsider who wants to get close. So you have to wear your white shirt atop a black trouser, black belt and black cover shoes. Hang around the law faculty, lecture rooms and courtrooms. With your outfit, you will blend in easily and the beautiful law student will give you a listening ear.

If you want to marry a lawyer you must be very vocal about the rule of law on your Facebook page. Make several posts and comments demanding that the rule of law must be respected by the government of the day. Declare that you can never vote for any government that interferes with the judiciary. Call for a mass protest against the president for removing the Chief Justice of Nigeria unconstitutionally. Ensure she sees the posts. Tag and mention her. Your lawyer crush will notice you and will start loving your posts. When you slide into her DMs with “Elo baby,” she will welcome you with a kiss smiley. Congratulations bro.

If you want to marry a female lawyer, ensure that on the day of her call-to-bar you put up a congratulatory post with her picture in official lawyer regalia. Write in the caption that you always knew that she would make it through the tough law school. Include in the post that you can’t wait for her to become a SAN. If you are eyeing three lawyers, schedule your posts to appear at different times in the day: One in the morning, afternoon and evening respectively. There must be no conflict. There is no forgiveness for failing to put up a post for her on this day. Don’t be like Effiong who forgot to put up a post for his lawyer crush on the day of her call to bar and suffered the punishment of being banished from her heart forever.

If you want a lawyer to say yes to you, you have to help set up her private practice. Do you have space in your house? Look for one room or a container space that can fit in a table, chair, few files and desktop computer that has been around since the days of Charles Babbage. That will serve as the office space for her law firm. Give the firm a name. Call it Ima & Ikpaeduok chambers.

You know one interesting thing about lawyers is that a single case or deal can turn them from a hundredaire to a multi-millionaire. So you need to get clients for your lawyer crush if you want her to surrender her heart to you. You have to befriend property owners. When they have buyers for their properties, recommend your lawyer friend as a competent attorney who will draw up the legal agreement and contract. When she gets the deal, she will tuck in 35% of the sales amount as her legal fees.

You also need to make friends with people who are having serious issues in their marriages. Encourage them to divorce their partners. Your lawyer crush will end up as their attorney and will charge 40% legal fees. When you finally pop the marriage question, she will say yes. How can she refuse you, her backbone? Together you two will buy a mansion in and relocate to the Island of Malta.

My brother, you can’t escape speaking legalese if you want to marry a lawyer. To improve your legal vocabulary, read all the novels written by John Grisham and watch all the seasons and episodes of Suits.

Use legal rulings to spice up your convos. Tell her that a precedent was established in the case of Mma Ikwo Vs. Ikakke 1973, stating that stealing meat from the pot at 2 AM in the kitchen is legal as long as the cooking pot is not properly covered by the owner of the pot. She will be impressed by your legal knowledge and will start seeing a pleasant future with you.

Lawyers like to be respected, so if you want her to marry you, before you make any request from her, bow before her and address her as “My Lord.” Avoid arguments with her, just say, “Objection sustained” to every point she makes. She will fall head over heels in love with you.

Whenever she makes any post about attending a law dinner, drop a comment expressing your admiration of the concept of law dinners. Lament that for five years of your stay in school you never had the opportunity of sharing a packet of cabin biscuit with your lecturers talkless of having a full dinner of fried chicken and tasty wine with them. She will invite you for a private dinner and if you play your cards well, you will win her over.

Finally, if you want her to marry you, buy a new wig and send it to her as a Valentine’s Day gift.

Thank God the ASUU strike has been called off. Let me go and iron my black and white outfit in preparation for hunting tomorrow.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Iniobong Umoh is a multi-contextual writer, story teller and brand content creator. He writes with a touch of humour, satire and reality.