Connect with us

Features

Caleb Somtochukwu Okereke: How to Date a Fine Boy

Published

 on

dreamstime_m_13250783We are fine boys; we know this already. Just as you know you look smashing when you wear a lovely dress, it is something we are aware of, something we are certain about. We are called “Fine Boys” all the time; we are called fine boys in the mall and at the store, when a market woman wants us to purchase her wares and when a cab driver wants us in his cab.

Our friends, with a certain encouragement in their voice, call us fine boys. We are boys who do not have to struggle to get girls, boys who always change their display pictures, as if we do not already own a mirror, as if we need validation from them before we know we are fine boys.

But we have learned to be civil about our attractiveness, have we not? We have learned to swallow praises with a “Thank you” because in the place where I come from, it is taboo for you to be attractive and conscious of it. You are to be unaware you are a fine boy, people are meant to tell you, like a tear on your behind on a market day, let it attract attention from others not you.

In the place I come from, you never open your mouth to say, “I am a fine boy” except it is a joke, your attractiveness is expected to be escorted by humility, by a certain unconsciousness.

Nevertheless, this does not stop us from being fine boys, Burberry shirts and red-lipped boys. We like that you look at us, that you wink at us, that you want to snuggle up in a picture with us, we like all these things. We like the things your hormones do to you too when you are with us, offhand and snappy, those hormones of yours.

They would tell you to date us regardless of the consequences, regardless of how you have to watch your man like the maid who has never used a gas cooker watches her soup frothing on it, in close snatches. Because you know if things go the wrong way tomorrow, people would ask “Who send you to date fine boy?” Fine boys are always excused of cheating; you know this and you still date us.

However, this is how to do it.

We do not like to be tied down. We are like little children that get restless when left at a spot. We are free spirited and tentative. We do not like to be owned, do not like to belong to a particular person. We belong to everybody and to nobody.

This does not imply that we do not love you. No, not at all, we really do. But our love is not the type that places a pillow over your face in the middle of the night and leaves you gasping for breath. It is not the type that hugs you too closely or calls you too often. Our love is lax, with loose edges, it does not suffocate you.

We like to be trusted. In all our unsteadiness, we like you to be steady. We want to anchor ourselves to you, fasten our shaky legs to your stable arms. We cannot –  if you are wobbly like us; vacillating, tremulous.

We do not need you to complain that we keep late nights, that your friend saw us somewhere somewhere, hands flung over the shoulders of another girl, head thrown back in laughter, that we looked like we were enjoying ourselves. Complaints upset us, they are prompts that we do not own ourselves anymore, and we do not like to not own ourselves.

We need you to close your eyes at these things, look the other way as if you have not seen us; we need you to gulp down our many sins even if they choke you. We would pat you on the back as a mother does her coughing child, press Robb into your nose. But we need you to first pretend you have not seen these things, we would take care of you, just swallow our sins.

And we love you oh! We really do. We think of you when we watch Titanic or read amazing romance titles. We think of you before we go to sleep, when we wake up and when our phone beeps with messages from you.

Nevertheless, our actions are one with us, like a novel with a sequel, we can exist without them, but we would not be complete. And so if you can live with the understanding that we are yours, but we are others too, then this relationship will work smoothly. If you can be comfortable with being the woman in the middle, but not the only woman, comfortable with seeing our phone beep with suggestive texts from beautiful ladies, then we are good to go.

We need you to understand us, because very few people do. You are the Dumbledore we run to in our Harry Potter series – the one who always has an answer for us, an excuse for our actions.

And you should know too, that we are not wowed by beauty, it is something we are familiar with, we see it when we look in the mirror, when we pose for selfies with Retrica, it sits comfortably on our skin and walks thoughtlessly with us.

But, to date a fine boy, you must be a ‘fine’ girl. Do you remember when your teacher taught you how to balance chemical equations in secondary school? That is what we are talking about here. You cannot leave one side of the equation teeming with fineness and the other side, with, well… I am sure your Mother told you this.

Nevertheless, I hope you know who fine girls are. Fine girls are girls who know their significance, who know they matter. They are girls who stand in a room full of sitting people, who own themselves, girls who are comfortable in their own body.

The fine girls are the girls who know that no man is worth wasting their time, they do not want to leash you, just as we like, and they are equals, classmates in this thing called ‘relationship’. They do not say “My Man” because they do not own us, do not nitpick about things as trivial as not calling them for days, the fine girls are self-governing, self-determining, and self-reliant, and we fear self-reliance.

They do not need us to define them, they are standalone, without us, they can exist perfectly; so we start to need them, because we need anchors, we start to fear that we would not survive without them.

They say “I love you” but coming from them it means “I love you but…” they have limits and stick to them, we love girls that scare us, girls we are afraid of losing. They sit on citadels of their own, fortresses they have built themselves, strongholds that do not waver.

The fine girls are self-girls, detached girls; girls who do not care if “edible catering” calls at 3am, they are the disinterested girls, the odd sort of beauty girls, “laugh at texts from other girls” girls and fine boys love self-girls.

Photo Credit: Jason Stitt | Dreamstime.com

aleb Somtochukwu Okereke is a writer and literary blogger whose works have appeared in Sun and Vanguard Newspapers, Kalahari Review, New Black Magazine, Hamilton Stone review. His first Novel was published by Bahati Books UK in 2016 and you can follow him on Instagram @caleb_okereke

59 Comments

  1. bii

    August 2, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    how low?
    S H A L L O W…

    • Lailatu

      August 2, 2016 at 10:45 pm

      Come on guys, I can’t believe you are offended by this article. Caleb was clearly being sarcastic and I found it funny.

    • Oversabi

      August 3, 2016 at 2:49 am

      RUbbish. Fine boy does not equate male ashewo without boundaries. Yes, many fine boys are museum pieces for public consumption. That is why they are key disease transmitters. But, there are respectable ones. The respect comes from not being carried away with superficial stuff that can vanish with a wrinkle or a fluke accident. I have seen fine boys who are grounded and are not museum pieces. Puhleeeese

  2. Oma

    August 2, 2016 at 4:43 pm

    Oh well, only confirms for me why i don’t like ‘fine boys’
    “You know what is sexier than a fine boy? a grown ass man with his shIT together” *borrowed*

  3. Bodunade

    August 2, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    I am a fine boy but not this kind abeg .My eyes hurt, what did I just read Lmao!!! What a joke

  4. dee

    August 2, 2016 at 5:04 pm

    who fine boy help? bunch of narcissists.
    Most ladies at a certain age in their lives dont care abt a fine boy especially one who doesnt have money/intellect or what ever tickles her fancy..

    • Bodunade

      August 2, 2016 at 5:08 pm

      Very true, intellect, money and whatever tickles her fancy for a few years before they go back to lusting after the fine boys ???

  5. bitumen

    August 2, 2016 at 5:15 pm

    Before i read this, my IQ was about 130. This poorly written article just made it drop less than 100. I feel dumber.Olodo Boy..

  6. Fatima

    August 2, 2016 at 5:26 pm

    I can’t even shout…

  7. ekama

    August 2, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    So in essence what are you saying???

  8. Wanderlust _Trekeffect?

    August 2, 2016 at 5:48 pm

    Bella thanks for setting this toddler up for a sunny afternoon roasting from readers, he needs to be educated. Must think readers on this blog are his 12 year old classmates.
    Side note: I need to see what you look like, pls upload you picture on the BN about author, I could bet my bottom dollar I’ll be disappointed.

  9. Ninny

    August 2, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Durrrhhhh… ladies tripping for fine boys is so 1900…Ya’all keep wallowing in your fineness, even Buhari fineness and gap tooth no epp am…so who fine boy epp

  10. Oga o

    August 2, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    Ok this is sarcasm. I forgive the writer.

  11. Ewa

    August 2, 2016 at 6:01 pm

    Caleb, I have a feeling you wrote this piece as a sarcastic one. Unfortunately, it fell flat and you missed the mark…

  12. Cynthia

    August 2, 2016 at 6:01 pm

    He forgot to add fine boys are almost always broke looking to hook their broke claws to a well to do ladies

    • ebuka

      August 2, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      “cynthia” what are you insinuating??

    • Cynthia

      August 2, 2016 at 11:10 pm

      Nothing o. …..just observations

    • Lea Valley

      August 2, 2016 at 9:43 pm

      Cynthia and Ebuka

    • Diuto

      August 4, 2016 at 8:51 pm

      Sitting on a tree

    • Cynthia

      August 2, 2016 at 11:09 pm

      *to well to do ladies

  13. Naijatalk

    August 2, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    I think this was tongue-in-cheek; not to be taken literally. @ Bitumen, It was not poorly written, you just read too much meaning into it.

    • Bodunade

      August 2, 2016 at 8:02 pm

      Dear Naijatalk,

      Loved your insight on the omotola- Regina A article, you remember stuff .

      Since you have decided to defend this article by overintellectualizing (lol) it and in light of your other comments these past weeks or so you are HEREBY appointed Bellanaija comments section CLASS CAPTAIN!lwkmd

    • Oma

      August 2, 2016 at 8:56 pm

      @Bodunade i second that, Naijatalk for the win, lol

    • Naijatalk

      August 2, 2016 at 11:34 pm

      You go dey alright

  14. bijouxthisbijouthat

    August 2, 2016 at 6:14 pm

    If i had read the comments before reading, i wouldnt have bothered to read.
    You people like to behave like ostriches! is not on this website the ladies droll over the fine boys?
    They envy the women on BN weddings who are married to fine boys without knowing the couple’s history?
    Please please, fine boys just like lightskin babes rule, dont kid yourself
    If you read the chronicles on SDK, ladies be having doubts about their boyfriends but just because they are fine boys, they dont want to let go
    Let be real… yes the fine boy syndrome might cut across all ladies but its still the preferred choice

    • LemmeRant

      August 2, 2016 at 6:35 pm

      My broda just they watch Telenovela unfold.
      I wonder how it would play down if a girl wrote an article like this and tagged it “How to date a fine girl”
      As far as I can tell, women are never truthful with themselves.

      that moment when a BN woman calls someone else shallow.

  15. Olori

    August 2, 2016 at 6:15 pm

    I can’t believe a man wrote this. Or maybe he’s a boy. Okay I believe he wrote it now.

  16. Aisha

    August 2, 2016 at 6:26 pm

    I don’t think the point of the article is to excuse the fact that ‘fine boys’ do what they like but to encourage girls to act as ‘fine girls’ i.e to respect yourself. People seem to be missing the point.

    • Naijatalk

      August 2, 2016 at 6:47 pm

      The more I read comments on BN, the more I am let down by the supposed intellectually elite crop of BN readers who never fail to disparage the followership/readership of other blogs but reveal their own porosity through their comments.

    • Sick and tired

      August 2, 2016 at 7:39 pm

      For people like you who constantly look for ways to drag BN readers in the mud you should also be smart enough to know that this article was poor even for a sarcastic one (if it is). If you have a problem readers here, you can take your behind to the ‘o so real and natural’ blogs. Sick and tired of y’all coming here to throw subtle shades and whine about sh**.

    • Nnechi Spicy

      August 2, 2016 at 8:44 pm

      I am shocked too naijatalk. Some are even talking about fine boys(literally). Meanwhile the poster is basically preaching self confidence to ladies. I dont think they read it to the end. Very sarcastic sometin.

    • Naijatalk

      August 2, 2016 at 11:37 pm

      @ Sick and tired,
      I apologize for offending your elite sensibilities. I am a respecter of all blogs as I believe they only tend to their audiences. I maintain that this was not a poor attempt at sarcasm and it appears others agree with me.

  17. Busola Adedire

    Oluwabusola Adedire

    August 2, 2016 at 6:26 pm

    Erhmmm… this article has a bit of truth o! I recognise some guys who are like this 🙁

  18. Kemi o

    August 2, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Lol, funny piece. They are telling you their minds you’re saying shallow piece. Laugh and go.??

  19. Mz_Danielz

    August 2, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    I think it was meant to be sarcastic oh. A fine boy is not a handsome boy but the ones that like forming ‘fine boy’ (hope that makes sense). Well, the authors attempt at sarcasm fell flat prolly because of the ‘fine girl’ description. Confident, self reliant and knows who she is yet still stays with you despite calls from other girls, she only ignores and laughs at them. A self reliant girl will leave you without drama na. Except you’re trying to imply that the fine boys don’t know what they want. I’m confusing myself now. Not a good attempt at sarcasm I must say

    • Wanderlust _Trekeffect?

      August 2, 2016 at 7:34 pm

      Exactly my thoughts, I kept reading waiting for the aha moment or some sort of salvage and then he goes on talk about the fine girls. The article does not reflect sarcasm. If that was the writer’s plan he needs to go back and do a rewrite cause this is pretty lame.
      I’m not gonna help him explain away this lameness by playing the sarcasm card.
      Poor article

  20. mimi dania

    August 2, 2016 at 7:24 pm

    This is simply how to date a player fine boy!

  21. Truth-be-told

    August 2, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    I could not bring myself to read a single paragraph to the end… and trust me, I tried. I was half expecting an “LOL” at the end.

  22. Onyie

    August 2, 2016 at 7:32 pm

    Good lord people he was being sarcastic! I don’t think we are meant to take the article too serious.

    Good job Caleb. You had me chuckling at some points in the article.

    Seriously though i thought this blog was meant to be for “intellectuals”. Can’t you guys tell when someone is being sarcastic biko!

  23. Chi

    August 2, 2016 at 7:43 pm

    I enjoyed reading this and I m female. Well written and humorous undertones. Lol at balancing the equation. I enjoyed this nonetheless. Original piece.

  24. Fabulous B

    August 2, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    I enjoyed it and I get the message. Good write.
    There was some level of sarcasm. See this as a sea wave of rhythm. It doesn’t have to turnout the way you want it or what you’re used to

  25. Omomo

    August 2, 2016 at 8:33 pm

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article and kept smiling at the humorous undertones.Good job Caleb,

  26. beauty

    August 2, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    I like it!

  27. "changing moniker"

    August 2, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    I got the sarcasm. ….Make una read again. …
    Caleb has a dark sense of humour. ..If you know what I mean ?

  28. Longe Eniola

    August 2, 2016 at 9:19 pm

    I think the ‘fine boy’ here is used very figuratively. Though I don’t agree with some of the things written, I must admit that I am very impressed. Well done.

  29. Ethio

    August 2, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    somto i fell in love with your writing the day i almost cried reading one, you’re an absolutely beautiful writer big ups nwannaa

  30. Cee

    August 2, 2016 at 11:24 pm

    Webster’s Simple Definition of sarcasm
    : the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny

  31. chique

    August 2, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    chain! BN peeps be falling hand since 1900. I read this all thru in toke s voice while she was chewing gum.lol.. she has done a piece like this in her blog about fine girls too. nice one. people should upgrade their reading and comprehension skills abeg.
    anyway wetin consign terry g and fanta?

  32. omoh

    August 2, 2016 at 11:44 pm

    BN, the next page keeps going to cash&carry web site, pls fix it asap

  33. nunulicious

    August 3, 2016 at 12:41 am

    I once had a classmate who categorically said she did not want to have a handsome husband cos babes will be disturbing him. i felt so sad for her.

  34. Rhoiy

    August 3, 2016 at 12:50 am

    All we narcissistic fine boys… Toast to all em silent haters. #BoyBye

  35. Rhoiy

    August 3, 2016 at 12:54 am

    Some people are sad though… Take several backseats…

  36. Ruth Dulac

    August 3, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Caleb is Sick.

    Some BN readers seem to have lost their sense of humour. Smh

    Fine boy don help plenty people and still helping them till twentysomething years to come for those asking Who fine boy epp.

  37. Moyo

    August 3, 2016 at 1:44 pm

    Fine boys in my time were equivalent to everybody’s boyfriend or husband. You don’t expect a fine boy to be faithful in a relationship, he belongs to himself and everybody. Who fine boy epp? you ask, Fine boy epp himself. If you don’t want heartache don’t go near a fine boy. Lol

  38. Tosin

    August 3, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Who fine boy epp? So because everybody is writing commandment, fine boy too must chook mout?
    Fine boy is for impressing yourself (stories you want to tell your grandkids ooooh Lordy) and sometimes for impressing others (maybe you’re in a social situation where armcandy makes you look good or you could just have low self-esteem that always needs that armcandy – Donald Trump)
    As with anything in life , watch the assets and liabilities, don’t waste time to dump if the value of keeping them becomes unclear. What else? Don’t be that cold. But I’m just being honest.

  39. Susu

    August 3, 2016 at 5:51 pm

    *sighs* perception is different and difficult. I culled a couple of facts from this write up. 1. The high pedestal that fine boys sit on, whether put there by themselves or society. Mind nothing is ever generic, no article is all encompassing, there is always an exception to the rule, but like in mathematics, you can always get an average impression, this article is an average statics. Whether sarcasm or not. 2. And most importantly the “fine girl”. It said nothing about beauty but was totally focused on self sevelopment, maturity and confidence. At the end, we all look but see differently

  40. Mimi Festus

    August 3, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    Oh lawd, the headline of the article literally got me laughingt. And then half way down the article I was like, this fine boy sef seems to be too full of him self mtcheww (sighs) but then, as I read through I got the whole point . Every lady is a fine girl if she is self reliant, humble and presents herself as a Queen that she is, irrespective of the man she dates.
    I wouldn’t be edgy about this article honestly, come on people theres so much to send you into bouts of laughter

  41. miss

    August 3, 2016 at 11:25 pm

    I read the article and truly I believe real men or women don’t play hide and seek. There are no rules to love, just be you. If you like expressing your feelings, you will find your match. All these fine boy/fine girl things are just pure nonesense. I did this in my 20s and never paid. Just be you and the right person will find you

  42. Olumide GlowVille

    August 4, 2016 at 10:56 am

    This article simply takes a dig at the supposed ‘fine boys’, but encourages every lady out there to improve on self confidence and not necessarily go all out, losing their identities, just because they want to end up with a ‘fine boy’.

    It is dark sarcasm, it is satirical, and brilliant!

    Thumbs up Caleb.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php