Connect with us


The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: How To Deal with a Bad Break Up



TOLU FALODEBreakups are hard and messy. There is no clean way to end a relationship. Relationships are based on a foundation of trust and commitment-so how are you supposed to break a connection built on your words, actions, memories, histories without disrupting your union? It’s not possible. It’s important you understand that-there is no right way to leave.

But there are a couple of steps that could be taken to prevent the pain of moving on from lingering.

First off, you need to acknowledge your connection with that person. There’s no point harbouring the hurt and pain behind a spew of venomous words aimed at showing resentment or even revenge. In the end, you are left alone with your words and their effects. So acknowledge-acknowledge the good times, acknowledge the bad, acknowledge the memories, and acknowledge the lessons-acknowledge where you went wrong and where they did too. This will enable you to release the pain.

Think of bad breakups as a metaphor-your heart has been ruptured because trust has been disrupted, commitment has been betrayed, words have been said and thoughts have been left unprotected as they swim in desperation in a river of confusion and chaos. That is what happens when you have a bad breakup. Now think of acknowledgement as the sieve that eliminates each and every negative thought, memory and words that are the refuse from the remains of your past relationship.

Each step you take in acknowledgment is similar to draining your thoughts from the pollution of that experience.

Once you have acknowledged the pain and the memories look at the purpose. What did you learn from that relationship? What were your good points and your bad ones and those of your ex partner? Meditate on these points as it will enable you to move on from the heartache associated with the pain and it will focus your thoughts not only on why the relationship did not work but why it would never work.

This is important to understand: if your personalities clashed, and the problem that led to the breakup has been a recurring symptom in the mental constipation that has become your past relationship, then you need to realize the remedy is to move forward not look backward. The problem was a permanent one that cannot be fixed temporarily-this is why it was recurring.

Hence cutting all contacts is key. Cut everything off. No calls, texts, messages, disconnect from their social media pages-because these avenues only feed negativity and stagnate the path to your progress. You can’t move forward if you can’t see ahead. So think of the constant messages back and forth with this person, or the constant phone calls-as building up refuse dumps blocking the path of your progress.

I say this with confidence because bad breakups are usually a symptom of a permanent character trait of both individuals that cannot be fixed while you both remain in the same space-you need some time apart to at least re-evaluate your options. And to do this, you need to be able to think logically-this cannot happen if the source of the problem is still present in the equation. Hence you need to eliminate the source-le ex.

Once you have taken these steps to recovery, you need to evaluate who you are. This is important because bad experiences change our personalities. We are humans-we are organic creatures-a product of our experiences. That breakup most likely affected how you view people and even more importantly how you view yourself. Don’t use it as a mirror to judge yourself and your standards-use it to reflect. It serves as a reflection you can use to evaluate your flaws and your features and to work on each accordingly.

Decide what you want and more importantly what you need. You may want your ex back in your life but do you really need their presence? Maturity is when you choose what you need over what you want because needs reflect nourishment which is a simile for growth. But wants; wants reflect temperament-a symptom of transitions-hence you may want your past relationship now but you may not need it.

This means, yes you may miss that person now-but the more distance you put between yourself and your past, the more you realize you do not need them in your future.

These are steps to enable you to realise the power in your person. You are enough. Don’t run back to the comfort of your pain; its in the past-move ahead to future possibilities.

You may have had a bad experience/breakup but at the same time, you do not have to pay for that experience for the rest of your life-make the right choice and move on applying the steps above. This will enable you to not only recover but to become stronger emotionally, mentally, physically and psychologically.

I’m interested in hearing what steps you have taken to deal with a bad breakup and if it worked for you.

Tolu Falode is a Relationship Counselor with over 6 years experience counseling couples and singles on having an amazing marriage. She shares dating tips on Instagram: @fantheflame and YouTube: Tolu Falode. Email: [email protected]


  1. Innate Gifts

    August 13, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    A breakup should be seen as an opportunity to exhale not necessarily because it was bad but because it has this way of stifling one’s growth . If you still want to go back after two years it shows you are stagnating. No matter how good the relationship was.

    • Tolu Falode

      August 16, 2016 at 2:42 pm

      I 100% agree with you-stagnation is a sure sign you have not moved forward

  2. Adaeze Writes

    August 13, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Good points Tolu.

    • Tolu Falode

      August 16, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      Thank You!

  3. If only...

    August 13, 2016 at 6:48 pm

    Nys article, though sometimes it’s very hard to remember all these. Running back to the comfort of my pain doesn’t always seem so bad,but God’s been good by keeping me sane (at least I think I am). As for the judgment part it’s still a difficult thing, I judge myself everyday,i feel I wasn’t gud enough and wud never be, I can’t move on cause I keep assuming we’ll get back soon, I feel we were meant to be together,so other men don’t matter(crazy,i know). It’s funny when pple say forget and move on, the plans I made for my future includes him in it and now I’m going through the pains of removing him and changing my plans. I try to be busy and occupied,think less about him and cut the communication as the writer says,it helps a bit. My hobby nw is match making people and advising frnds going tru sm hard tyms, helpingg odas tru deir difficult times helps me not to dwell so much on mine. Hopefully, one day it’ll get better, for now I’ll kp “being busy”…sorry for the long epistle,just felt lyk ‘talking’ abit, and Nys article once again

    • Tolu Falode

      August 16, 2016 at 2:42 pm

      No not at all-thanks for sharing! I completely understand your points and it does hurt at first but its important to realize, that just because you factored the ex into your future does not mean he cannot become a part of your past. Its all about changing your perspective-and it seems you are on the right track as you have moved your focus to your friends-keep at that and soon you will notice that the pang for their company will decrease and eventually disappear but don’t open old wounds by reestablishing new contact once again-it definitely does not help you to move forward-if anything it infects the mental injury you suffered in the relationship and makes it more difficult to move past it. But keep at it-keep helping others and shut down any thoughts of the ex-and soon you will see you won’t remember to think about them anymore!

  4. NYC

    August 13, 2016 at 11:10 pm

    nice tm lewin shirt.

  5. Adjoa Lily

    August 14, 2016 at 12:10 am

    Tired with relationship better alone. With God am complete?

  6. Vee

    August 14, 2016 at 10:31 am

    Good tips. There was a time I thought I would die after a bad break up. Looking back now I can’t believe how much stronger and wiser I have become. And to think that it has made me a much better person. I value myself more now and I know that I am a blessing. It was his loss and not mine.

    • Tolu Falode

      August 16, 2016 at 2:38 pm

      Thats great! It means you have moved forward and more importantly healed from the experience enough to share your part of the pain when it happened. The fact that you realize your value now means you have come into a knowledge of your worth-thanks for sharing!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa

Star Features