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Aunty Bella: Miss. Victim of Sexual Assault

BellaNaija.com

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dreamstime_m_12498227Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***
Please BN, help me make sense out of my life because I am so confused. I was sexually assaulted by a close friend. He held me down and practically performed sexual acts on me. I had to go into hiding away from him because I was so ashamed. Never even knew I was assaulted until I went online and researched the signs.
I bolstered enough courage to confront him right in front of close friends and he denied everything. He was even laughing while denying everything. And that left me wondering if indeed it happened. I decided not to pursue it any further since I was told I have more to lose than him. We returned to being friends and I tried to block out
that memory.

I just discovered that all my friends think I am a liar. That I made up everything just to spite my close friend. And they want nothing to do with me. Even he that assaulted me told me recently that it took the grace of
God for him to forgive me. He told me that since Jesus has forgiven him, that means he did not do it. That it was the devil using him and he won’t accept that he did it. Yet he was concerned that no one should hear about it. He even called me sometimes to help quell the rumours when it was spreading.
But I am the victim here!

Should I not be the one doing the forgiving? I wrote everything down in my diary exactly as it happened and I swear
I am not lying. Yes I have told lies in the past but I cant hurt a friend with such
weighty allegations. I have known him for over 4 years!
How can I deal with the loss of friends after 5 years in school? Where do I start from? Why is everyone seeing me as the accused instead of the victim?

Help me make sense of this BN because I am beginning to doubt my sanity.

Photo Credit: Arenacreative | Dreamstime.com

23 Comments

  1. Mrs chidukane

    October 19, 2016 at 11:15 am

    Why would you go back to being friends with someone that sexually assaulted you? That is part of the reason why no one believes you. Go for counseling that’s all I can say. Forget those people because they’re not truly your friends. Let the emotions out, don’t bottle them. You will be alright.

  2. Ferrari

    October 19, 2016 at 11:28 am

    They are not your friends. Don’t feel bad about losing them. Find an older person you look up to and trust who can mentor you and counsel you. Keep yourself busy with improving yourself and stay positive. But know that those people are not your friends and you do not need them.

  3. A Real Nigerian

    October 19, 2016 at 11:33 am

    Noooooooooooooooo!!
    Who can save us from these NIGERIAN MEN?? Who????? Why must all our sons, brothers and fathers continue to rape? Why must you be a rapist?
    “He was laughing” OH GOD. Can you all see how heartless NIGERIAN MEN can be??
    Nigerian men are no-good, vile, vicious, pretentious, hypocritical, malicious, carnal, evil, disgusting and entitled spawns of Satan. It would be better for you to have a relationship with someone from Mali or Sudan than have anything to do with NIGERIAN MEN. Deplorable beta male p-ssies. Idiots.
    And you, this girl, you are f_king stupid! How can you go back to being friends with that NIGERIAN PIG?? Someone assaulted you and was laughing when you brought it up and you’re “FRIENDS” with him? Why are you women allowing yourselves become so weak?
    Cut off ALL those idiot people you call friends who lack empathy. You DON’T NEED them. You DON’T NEED friends. Why are you allowing yourself be abused?
    CuT THEM OFF! You are subconsciously seeking validation from your idiot friends and even the abuser so that you can feel right about yourself again. You will always live in misery if you keep those people in your life. They will serve as constant reminders of your abuse and helplessness and this will continue to harm your esteem. Cut them off and start afresh. You don’t need them.
    Lord. NIGERIAN MEN, all the same. No exceptio

  4. A Real Nigerian

    October 19, 2016 at 11:51 am

    Why are all the men in our country like this?? What is this? Why must someone wake up everyday to a sexual assault or physical abuse story featuring NIGERIAN MEN as the culprits?
    If we tell you people to stay away from having anything to do with NIGERIAN MEN, you’ll think we are overreacting. These men have hearts darker than their skin. Their minds are caged and linear and they view you women as nothing more than f%#k toys, child bearers, trophies and social-status boosters. When will you all learn?? All in the name of “I must marry”, “I’m lonely”, “there are a few good men”, “God will change him”, you will foolishly go ahead and turn yourself into potential victims for all these ugly, stupid NIGERIAN MEN and their micro penises.
    What do you even want from a NIGERIAN MAN? They will cheat on you. Probably beat you. Get angry if you beat them in an intellectual argument. They are no good in bed. Their head game is lame and they only know missionary and doggy. They always rely on some cheap drugs to improve their performance and even then, it is still devoid of any passion or skill. How many Nigerian women know what an orgasm is?? The few that know either induce it themselves or orgasm easily and is not in any way attributed to anything he does.
    This story makes my blood boil. Stupid NIGERIAN MEN. All they know how to do is befriend all women they see, as if they have no self respect. Always smiling at every woman even when they have a partner. No dignity, no manners, no attitude. All rapists, cheaters and wife beaters.
    Stay away from ALL NIGERIAN MEN!

    • exellence

      October 19, 2016 at 3:43 pm

      HEY FOR THE LAST TIME AM GOING TO SAY THIS TO YOU! …… UR BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE & R CRUISING FOR BRUISING! UR GONNA GET HURT & BADD ADD THAT! Stop disccussing about Nigerians if urn’t one!

      MALI, SUDAN ?’ GET Lost!!!!!!

  5. Marlvina

    October 19, 2016 at 11:56 am

    You took a wrong step to continue that relationship even after going through the experience of a sexual assault. You were actually in denial at that point, pondering if it really happened or not. It’s late now to cry over spilled milk on the decisions you made, but pls break that circle of friends, keep off that guy and move on peacefully. Of course, it may seem so difficult especially struggling with the memories and hurt within; but with God’s presence and adequate counseling from parents, mentors or counselors, you will be fine. This is not the end of the world, don’t let this negative experience get you depressed, You have a bright future ahead, embrace it.

  6. jinkelele

    October 19, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    For him to spew that NONSENSE means He knows what he did and he’s trying to put the guilt in you so that he can feel better with himself.
    You told the truth and since he insists on living in denial then he will reap what he sowed.
    Cut off communication with him. Staying in contact with him is not helping your healing.
    Find organisations or counsellors who help those with sexual assault and get healing for your mind and soul.
    Concentrate on YOU. Leave your friends, you don’t need their validation.
    He does not have to be a stranger for it to be sexual assault..

    You will be fine . Trust me. Gods love and e-hugs

    • Ms. A

      October 20, 2016 at 12:16 pm

      Exactly!!! And it’s called GASLIGHTING! The bastard. Run far away from him and the so-called friends.

  7. As for me

    October 19, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    Please, How old are you?

    Reason for my question is here ” Never even knew I was assaulted until I went online and researched the signs.”

    Those things/the act happened and you didnt know you were assaulted…..hmm

    Could it be that it was consensual?
    Could it be you both were doing friends with benefits?
    Could it be that some of the things he did, you term it as “AN ASSAULT” after reading it online?

    You were wondering if it happened or not?
    It baffles me

    But if you are a BN reader, you should have come across enough of rape and assault stories and do the needful, infact right after the incident.

    Still went to be friends with him?
    erm i dont get

    Sorry if it happened…i am just a curious mind asking all that

  8. Marian

    October 19, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Unfortanately with the way things played out i doubt you will be able to win any legal battle against him. The only thing left is to focus on You!! Forgive him because holding on to the bitterness will just hold you back from healing. I’ll say have one last conversation with him in a safe place if possible or just call him over the phone. Let him know it happened and you have forgiven him but are cutting off All communications with him. Block his number and delete him from all your social media. Unless you have a habit of accusing guys of sexual assault no one talkless of a friend should just dismiss your claim like that. They are just your school friends and not your real friends. Cut them off!!! Surround yourself with love. If you are a christian some churches offer free counseling with a certified psychologist/counselor. You can find private ones too if it’s within your budget. Don’t supress it, talk about it and keep trying to make sense of things. Know that this too shall pass and you will be able to look back one day and see how far you have come. Sending some e-hugs your way.

    Dear Nigerian Ladies, please be very careful around some guys. Le boo once gisted me about how some guys in college felt like if a lady should use her two legs to come visit them in their apartment they really do take that as an invitation to sleep with her at any cost. They don’t see it as rape. Rule of thumb, unless he’s your brother take someone with you when you go visit a single guy.

  9. kongira

    October 19, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    Personally i think there is more to it than what we read/or told. Why are you ladies putting Nigeria men on trial for a fictitious and vague article like this?

  10. Abuja Bored Girl

    October 19, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    The worth of your life is not determined by the number of friends you have. It seems to me that you have a low self esteem, that’s why you’re trying so hard to win people’s affection.
    Cut everyone of them out of your life,work on your self esteem, do things that you love, work on fulfilling purpose; that way you begin to love yourself.

  11. Odine

    October 19, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    You are either mad or retarded!

  12. late bloomer

    October 19, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    Hey writer you definitely left out some details and @real Nigerian sorry to burst your bubble I am so going to marry a NIGERIAN MAN and guess what he won’t beat me, cheat on me, rape me but he’s going to love me and we gonna live happily ever after.

  13. Canadian igbo

    October 19, 2016 at 6:11 pm

    Womanhood 101, a man and a woman cannot be close friends. Protect your heart ladies, the devil can use anyone, if a brother by blood can assault his sister, then my dear we all can fall victim. Keep a man in a man’s place from the start. My dear you where assaulted you didn’t make this up at all, been there. Ask God to help you forgive yourself and the assaulter and then seek solace in Gods presence

  14. tunmi

    October 19, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    Go see a counselor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist or some mental health person. Something happened that was against your consent and against your wishes. I don’t care if you two started dry humping and he went to where you didn’t agree to. I don’t care if it was Netflix and chill and he misinterpreted. Either way something happened and it is seriously damaging your sense of what is real and what isn’t. Thank goodness you have your diary. Go see a mental health person. People will question, go see a professional

  15. o

    October 19, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    Most people have said what I want to say. You actually went back to being friends with someone who sexually assaulted you? N you stayed there n let him feed you enough crap to the extent that you are now doubting yourself???? SMH. I pray you find all the help you need.

  16. Katiana

    October 20, 2016 at 10:58 am

    Hey Poster, I can only tell you this; cut off from those friends, all of them. You wont die. The rumors will go down.
    Forgive yourself, find yourself, love yourself, heal, be happy in your own company

  17. Ms. A

    October 20, 2016 at 12:24 pm

    Unfortunately, the bastard GASLIGHTED you into not seeing it for what it was. He’s a bastard. Run far away from him and the shitty friends. Go take care of yourself. Read more about gaslighting here: wvwnews.net/story.php?id=8786

  18. Barbara

    October 20, 2016 at 10:53 pm

    Dear poster,
    I know you feel confused, lonely and victimised and that is very understandable considering what have been through.
    I also know you are stronge and courageous, because you questioned a situation that didn’t seem right to you, you are able to share YOUR STORY on such a large platform which not some many do considering the ambivalence, victim blaming and guilt they feel which I would like to note many sexual assault victims feel so your not alone.
    You mentioned you had to goggle the meaning of sexual assault before you perceived the act as indeed sexual assault which I believe in your case isn’t strange at all because it involves someone who you have know for a very long time, someone you trust and someone who you hold very dear to heart, you would probably be confused because you may or may not have VERBALLY CONSENTED therefore you ignorance is justified.
    I know it easy for all of us to say leave those friends and why are you thinking about someone who sexual assaulted you but that is also normal as well. Loss of any relationship especially when that relationship defines our identity in anyway is very hard to deal with so I urge to give yourself permission to grief for your loss.
    I also wanted to congratulate for sharing your story, allowing us console, criticise or even reinforce your feEling of guilt and ambivalence you did a good thing, YOU DID NOT KEEP QUIET this shows that you are truly resilent
    Finding a good, trust worthy social support and good coping skills would be really important moving forward.
    I know this is tragic but i hope it doesn’t get the best of you.
    Stay strong for you.
    Keep your head up.
    YOU ARE THE VICTIM but i hope you find a healthy way to become a survivor.
    BN PLS POST MY COMMENT!!!!!!

    • jennietobbie

      October 21, 2016 at 1:07 am

      My dear poster, everything Barbara said is accurate. You were assaulted. You are not insane. It’s understandable you went back to him. It’s ok to feel hurt that your friend didn’t validate your feelings. You are STILL coming in terms with what happened and who did it.

      First step: accept the FACT that you were assaulted by a friend.
      Disassociate yourself with him and your friends. He’s gaslightning you and your friends are probably in denial, just like you. But you know, it didn’t happen to them. It happened to YOU.
      Protect yourself first. Leave! Cut them off. They are not bad people, they can’t accept what happened to you just yet. Find a counselor-this is the ONLY friend that will believe you and help you understand and heal what happened.
      Don’t trick your brain to believe that it didn’t. Or he couldn’t have done it. He did. Write it out on your mirror and read it to yourself. Write it in your journal as many times as you can until you have no doubt whatsoever about it. IT HAPPENED. This is an important step for healing because you can’t heal what you can’t face.

      Give yourself time. Get all the therapy you need. Do NOT allow that guy in your life again…5 years of knowing him is not worth your entire lifetime of damaging your mental health.

      I pray for you that one day, you’ll be strong enough to get that Bayard locked up for good.

      But, first, take care of yourself. You matter!! LOVE to you my dear. Email me if you need an anonymous friend [email protected]

  19. molarah

    October 20, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    Hmmm…this reminds me why I was Amen-ing when I read that part of Chimamanda’s raising feminists article that spoke to the need to reduce our need for likeability as women. The biggest issue I hear in this story is her concern about relationships, friends, the need to “swallow” down abuse from a so-called friend, etc. Girl, first thing you need is some personal esteem…too much of your problems are tied to the need to be liked and have friends. I’ve had crazy friends and even if someone told me one of them did something extremely appalling, my inclination will be to reach out to them and get their side of the story, because, friends, duh. Anyone that would alienate you because of what they heard without giving you a chance of a hearing is not worth being called a friend, point blank. Make it clear to this fellow (in words and deeds) that what he did was hurtful and a betrayal of trust, and that you would not entertain his acquaintance until there is a clear acknowledgement of guilt on his part and an apology (and even if these come, still tread carefully). Hold your head high, acknowledge that you have been hurt and betrayed but that you have the strength to move on, and do so. No need to entertain nonsense in your life in the name of being friendly.

  20. adesuwa

    October 22, 2016 at 10:29 am

    Please anyone heard about womb twin survivor syndrome? Need help

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