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Asake Agoro: Let’s Stop Painting Cheating Men As Villains

Asake Agoro

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dreamstime_m_12258611I was a barely 17 year old freshman. He was 25 in his final year getting his second degree. It was love like I had never felt before. This was not a teenage crush like the previous ones. The butterflies were not just in my stomach…they were in my head…as in the boy just dey make me kolo . He knew I was a virgin and wanted to keep it that way. I was his baby, to be pampered and protected. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He took me home to his parents and they all loved me. He was my standard by which I measured all men who approached me and everyone else fell way short. It was bliss. We would have cute little babies that looked just like him and grow old together happily ever after. My first and only true love. Nothing would ever tear us apart I promised myself.

But alas my boo had another boo. The omnipresent ex. She’s just my ex, he said and I believed him of course. Why should my angel, my hero, my knight in shinning amour lie to me? I was his baby. The stories kept coming back to me and I asked and got the same answer, ‘ we are just friends’ till I got a threat that there was a plan to beat me up because I was dating her man. An elderly friend (because anyone in their mid twenties at that age is elderly to you) sat me down on my 18th birthday and broke the news to me. My life was shattered. He might as well have put a bullet through my heart. Not one tear did I shed. (I think I have issues! I cry watching romantic TV but break my heart, and not a tear.)
I went through the motions of living in school, but flunked a few papers and spaced out during conversations, but I held it together. Inside, I was a chaotic mess, absentmindedly walking in front of cars, staring at cooking food till it burned and smoke filled the kitchen but outside I put up a front. No man would ever make me cry I told myself.

He begged, he pleaded, he promised, his mum begged, his siblings begged. I still believe him, I believed he was telling the truth. I believed she was just some desperate ex who didn’t want to let go, but I discovered a strength I never knew I had, every fibre of my being wanted him back. Still, I would not be shaken. As young and naive as I was, I knew what I had to do. I didn’t really understand why I was doing what I did, but all I knew was the pain of being second place was way more than the joy of keeping my man. Sometimes, I look back at that 18 year old Asake and draw from her strength.

This was the story I told my friend who found out her husband was cheating. She stopped talking to me. I knew he was cheating. Her circle of friends knew he was cheating. She knew he was cheating, but she chose to stay. I smiled to myself every time I saw her loved up posts on Instagram. Her faux surprised posts about how he bought her this and that when she was the one who paid for the items. Keeping up appearances was more important. She kept inviting me to her church to join her fasting and prayer sessions. I knew what she was fasting for. I realized no one could tell her what to do until she made that choice herself. She needed to make that decision. When sh*t finally hit the roof, it was catastrophic and public. We were at dinner at another mutual friend’s 30th birthday – a girls night out kinda thing, dude walked in girl in tow. It was the same girl I had seen him with at other events. There was a moment of stunned silence and then bedlam.

What will Oga say for himself? ‘But you know, Sola.’ Then, he walked away. We were left to pick up the pieces and someone’s birthday was ruined.
Not for me though,  I sat back down and  ate my filet mignon au poivre in peppercorn cognac sauce and half of someone else’s Parmesan crusted chicken breast in chardonnay butter sauce. I ordered a doggy bag for Sola’s Seafood dish of Shrimps, mussels, clams and scallops and took it home with a bottle of white wine. We paid 12k each  for this ish abeg!

Everyone started talking about what a douchebag Oga is, how could he do this? Don’t worry Sola, you will be alright. Call me a horrible friend, but try as I could, I couldn’t conjure an ounce of sympathy.

I felt sorry, yes. Sorry that it had to come to this public disgrace. I felt sorry for her pain. She had been carrying it around for so long. It must be exhausting keeping up appearances constantly. I felt sorry, but I wasn’t sorry. She was seated beside me in tears and I was rubbing her back with one hand, while I scooped food into my mouth with the other between murmurs of ‘pele’, ‘you will be fine’. Am I a horrible person?

Truth is a hard thing to swallow, but this food was going down a treat.

I thought of being the voice of dissent, but decided to hold my peace for it would achieve nothing. She wasn’t ready to listen to me 3 months ago. She probably wasn’t ready now. I didn’t understand how for some women, the joy of being a Mrs and looking happy and in love to people who frankly don’t give a sh*t about you on social media was more than the pain of living with a cheating partner. But I understood it was her choice to remain – just as it was my choice to leave someone I suspected (I never even caught him red handed) of cheating.

Few days later, Sola and hubby are in Jamaica, having the time of their lives. Privately she calls me to curse out her husband but still she is posting philosophical memes on Instagram and I’m still here smiling to myself.

We need to stop painting cheating men as villains. A lot of the time, the women who marry these men see the signs clearly, bright as day. They are delusional, thinking he will change, thinking if I become better he will be better, I’m not praying and fasting enough, I’m not skinny enough. I am not enough. The truth is, you will never be enough. He’s rich. He takes care of me. He apologized. He’s sorry. And so they remain and make a career out of their pain. Just like a leopard cannot hide it’s spots, cheats cannot hide their bad habits.

A man who cheats on you over and over again has shown you plain and simple that he is CHOOSING his self gratification over your pain. He made that CHOICE. You have the power to make yours.

He is replaceable. You are not. He chose himself. You need to CHOOSE yourself and make a CHOICE based on what is best for YOU. Do not come and say he made me do this he made me do that. Own your decisions and own your life.
If you are more concerned about keeping up appearances and decide to stay know that you are sanctioning his infidelity just like in the case of Sola.

He knows he can get away with it, so why would he stop? What makes you think you can change him? No human being is responsible for your happiness. You are.

By choosing to remain in that relationship and doing everything you feel is best to keep him, you have made his choice to keep cheating easy and no amount of 70 days prayer and fasting is going to change that.

You are not God, you cannot fix a broken human. A cheat will make you feel you are not enough. He will eat away at your self esteem. He has no self control. He is inherently selfish. Some of them are emotional abusers.

If you decide to stay, don’t make him the villain when sh*t hits the roof.

He made his choice to cheat. You made your choice to stay.

Photo Credit: Bryan Creely | Dreamstime.com

I wear many hats !! Creative Director @AsakeOge, Tutor, Storyteller, Stylist, Content Writer TV/Online/Print & Entrepreneur. Food, Vodka & Red Wine lover, Travel ethusiast, Eternal optimist, Die hard romantic waiting for my horseman in shinning Agbada ! Instagram: @asake @asakeoge

108 Comments

  1. oo

    November 29, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    Another article on cheating again today??? What is it, World Cheaters Day today???? Getting lame if u tell me

    • wale

      November 29, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Another over sabi yoruba girl

    • Darius

      November 29, 2016 at 8:58 pm

      We don enter trouble. BN won’t give us breathing space. Men, men, men, men. Men did this, men did that. Most men don’t condone sexual promiscuity. Pls, let’s talk about something else.

    • Damilola

      November 30, 2016 at 3:41 am

      Most men don’t condone sexual promiscuity? Maybe in their head because their actions says otherwise. What about men and women strive to better themselves, practice self control and respect for yourself. If Nigerian men have issues, it’s a product of mindset same applies to the women. There are Nigerian women who are serial cheaters as well.
      What about we try to follow, live according to the principles and morals we talk about or portray to be

    • nnenne

      November 29, 2016 at 11:23 pm

      There’s a need for a conversation, I guess.
      Thanks Toke for opening up the much needed conversation.
      It’s about time our married men and women respect each other.

  2. awkward

    November 29, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    Cheating men are villains.
    they cause a lot of pain.
    did not bother reading…. headline response only

    • BlueEyed

      November 29, 2016 at 10:52 pm

      Lmao me too! But my own take is, any party who cheats should be subject to being tagged the villian.

    • Fashionista

      November 30, 2016 at 8:26 am

      Lol! You should have bothered to read oh, this is how you fail exam na!

  3. Manny

    November 29, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    BN for real????????? Unfortunately, I already clicked on this. So will many others. So you are getting away with this nonsense you are doing. No be your fault, it’s because we come on your site

  4. Omi

    November 29, 2016 at 8:08 pm

    I just downloaded a free copy of Toke’s book. I still can’t believe it.

    • Ify

      November 29, 2016 at 8:19 pm

      Please where did you download it oh?? Pleaseeeeeeeee

    • Nitomeya

      November 29, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      It is not supposed to be free Omi, please pay for it abi is that not cheating too? ???.

    • Abolade

      November 29, 2016 at 9:28 pm

      Please where did you download. Hook a sista up na.

    • Nahum

      November 29, 2016 at 9:31 pm

      You downloaded a free copy of a book? That’s piracy. Please go and buy the book and stop taking money from people’s pockets. That’s not fair

    • Omi

      November 29, 2016 at 10:05 pm

      It was not deliberate. I was reading reviews and saw the link. How was I to know it was real?

    • Marlvina

      November 29, 2016 at 11:32 pm

      ??? how was she to know it was real? She’s surprised too, she never hesperredit. @Omi my dear enjoy ur free book. Lemme go hunt for mine. BTW where were you reading the reviews? ? Whether I pay for Toke’s book or not, it won’t change a thing; that babe wld still smile to the bank with the millions generated.

  5. Spunky

    November 29, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    Yawn! Lol!! Like cheating was recently uncovered…keep it coming! I didn’t bother reading though.

  6. Teju TJ

    November 29, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    How I hate when people say this. In fact, despise it. Everybody can not be strong like you. Everybody can not be like you. You have to try to see where other people are coming from and no, you do not have to understand it. Some of us girls have been that person. You don’t know the kind of baggage people are coming with or even crying from their childhood or even adult life. Yes, people know the guy is bad for them but they still stay. Not everyone is stupid. Not everyone wants heartache but matters of the heart can be very delicate.

    No one wants to get validation from other people but in life sometimes, we find ourselves in that situation that we know is ridiculous and we have no business being in but somehow can not get out. It could be money, it could be sex, it could be just needing someone – frankly, it could be anything. Not everyone can just leave and not everyone has a healthy self-esteem. There are forces in life bigger than what you go through or what you understand. We are all wired differently. We need to be more understanding of each other. We need to learn how to be better friends even when we don’t agree with our friend’s decisions.

    However, I do not agree with the pretentious life your friend is living though. Why are you deceiving yourself on social media when deep down you are miserable. No one is saying post your pain on social media but must you post anything at all?

    Let me tell you a quick story, in 2012, I went to a wedding and as we were lining up for our meal (yankee wedding), i overhead a girl telling her friend how her brother does not take nonsense from her. Telling her she is not pretty and her ugliness is embarrassing him in front of his friends. Or even calling her when she is out to tell her, why is she dressed like that – can’t she dress nicer because he is embarrassed by her. This girl in her 20s thought this was perfectly normal in the way she spoke to her friend who frankly looked dazed. Just imagine this girl getting into a relationship with the wrong guy. He will finish the self esteem that is already not there. She will stay with him even if he pours acid on her because she will be looking for some form of validation from him.

    • Loki

      November 29, 2016 at 9:25 pm

      You make a lot of sense. Many people are messed up by their parentage, upbringing and their life experiences. It’s easy to expect them to act like you would in certain situations not knowing what compel them.
      My problem is that, it is a slippery slope. The cheaters too can justify their behaviour by blaming it on their experiences and upbringing. A friend of mine is swedish boarding school and English ivy league educated, yet has two WIVES and two baby mamas. His first wife is European, just to clarify, and she is still married to him, even though she’s aware of all the other women. For the record, this guy is 36. This is because none of the women with him can say they thought he would be monogamous for one day.
      If you want to defend him, he is the son of one of the prominent Nigerians of the 70’s-80’s who had over thirty children and did not marry any of their mothers.his older brother also has two wives and numerous girlfriends at less than 40. Monogamy is not something he understands.
      Many men have been raised to believe they are NATURALLY polygamous and they lack the capacity to be single. They’ve also been raised to believe that a good woman accepts this part of them and stays by their side till their too old to dick around.
      Where exactly do we draw the line on what we are helpless against? We’re all victims of our own circumstance after all….

    • Teju TJ

      November 29, 2016 at 9:37 pm

      Loki, you completed it, we are all victims of our circumstances. My point is rather than criticize the women for staying with him, why not understand their reasoning? Also, for the guy – understanding him goes a long way. I know for one that I will not remain in that marriage if I were in the women’s shoes.

      We have to understand that we can’t not change people and we have no control over other people’s decisions. The only thing we have control over really is us and we don’t even always have control of that. At the end of the day, we are all just trying to get by in life given the different blows that it throws us.

    • Xoxo

      November 29, 2016 at 11:59 pm

      Hi Teju TJ.. Your comment is amazing. I wish I could like it over and over. Articles like this piss me off. People can judge from a distance and talk trash without realizing we don’t take decisions the same way. Let’s not paint this cheating thing a good way. A cheat is a cheat and thus a villan either male or female. Its not in anyone’s place to blame the person who gets cheated on and say they are naive or dumb for not walking away, you try and understand their pain and if you cannot don’t judge them or expect them to act like you would. You support them and if you can’t you walk away. What this writer has written makes her seem very cold hearted if its really true. Your friend was hurt and because you’ve told her to walk away its okay to act like that Asake??? You’re a cold hearted person and you have no idea what true friendship is about. I don’t agree with her fake lifestyle on instagram but please your attitude to the scene with her husband and his mistress was cold. Plus this stupid article… Smh. I hope you really enjoyed your 12k meal. Rubbish.

    • Comment

      November 30, 2016 at 3:55 am

      True that Teju and xoxo….it’s way easier being the critical expert of someone else’s situation from the outside. Many things that look like common sense in theory don’t obey the rule of law in practice. Marriage is a serious commitment and investment that can paralyze and humble even the supposedly best amongst us. Just pray that life doesn’t derail your expectations with unpleasant surprises.

      Of course even the victims know that the common sense thing to do is to leave….and please quit that rubbish he is replaceable nonsense. Even Beyonce that sang about it knows it ain’t that simple….the process of settling down is a gruesome experience for some people and there is always the rational fear of getting another jerk husband or even worse.

      Blaming and shaming victims only makes it harder for them to face their fears. A true friend doesn’t smugly mock her girlfriends misfortune or patronize her challenges. You stay genuinely supportive and be there to be her safe place. People gain more confidence and control of their problems when there is genuine support and not the kind of mean mockery we have in our society.

  7. Teju TJ

    November 29, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    Also, just because I choose to stay with your cheating ass does not make your cheating and humiliation okay. It does not make it okay at all. How can a woman even say that. Do you know why she is staying or what things she is battling when the doors are closed?

  8. Aunt Fifi

    November 29, 2016 at 8:19 pm

    What if you didn’t see the signs clearly before marriage?Now You have kids already for him,you live abroad,no papers,no work,immigration threats but he takes care of all ur needs and families back home but he cheats on you.Werrin you go do o???

    • sorry

      November 29, 2016 at 11:21 pm

      Sorry to say but #1 – I’d acknowledge/ accept that I brought this upon myself by not earning an income, having children I couldn’t provide for by myself, and moving to a country I didn’t have papers for. #2) I’d try to start getting my papers, applying for further education and/ or learn a trade like hair dressing, make up, mixing coconut oil and shea butter anything to start earning some money…

    • :)

      November 30, 2016 at 11:29 am

      then that’s being utterly foolish and HUNGRY.

  9. Denzel

    November 29, 2016 at 8:19 pm

    lool wait, let me get something straight.

    You guys a) Bash feminists for saying they won’t tolerate such in marriage. Call them delusional. unafrican, lesbians etc

    You guys also: b) Bash women who endure and bend over backwards for a man. Even when he cheats. Toke did all that, used to ask if she could do new sex positions that Anita did, paid rent and for upkeep of his son. But you guys are bashing her for ding that and even saying that she was forcing the marriage and that maybe Anita was there first, when she wasn’t.

    You guys also: c) Destroyed Stella Damasus for being with a divorced man and speculated that maybe they were with the men before their first marriages ended.

    YET, you guys: d) Love Anita, say that she was simple and quiet from social media which means that she’s the good girl and the victim. Although she planned a pregnancy with a married man.

    So, this is what I’ve learned. No matter what your husband does to you. It is your fault and you’re probably an adulteress even without proof or you forced him into the marriage.

    Tip for any potential mistress: If you want people to love you, stay away from social media and appear plain, ‘uglify’ yourself a little. It will be a mini victory in the hearts of other plain women and men who feel like they cannot be with a glamorous or high flying woman, and the Nigerian public will side with you. ESPECIALLY if you have a son.

    • Engoz

      November 29, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      Lol @ uglify. Denzel, are you taking Nigerians seriously? Do so at your own peril. I have zoned out long time ago! Very crazy people. Always protect your brain when arguing with the typical Nigerian. The conclusions to their arguments are EXTREMELY FLAWED! It’s a very PRETENTIOUS society. That is why Anita fits into their narrative and they fully support her. This pretentious society hates those who refuse to pretend. Just ‘uglify’ yourself and they will sing your praises, lmao.

    • A Real Nigerian

      November 29, 2016 at 9:05 pm

      Hahahahahahahahaha! ???????????????

    • Nahum

      November 29, 2016 at 9:54 pm

      I thought I was the only one that has zoned out of discussions with Nigerians. I don’t have time or energy to waste on the Nigerian woman and her plenty made up issues. If you like, endure o, divorce o, cook o, don’t cook o, I don’t care anymore. I am done with the Nigerian woman and I will focus my energy on children, moving forward.

    • Huh

      November 29, 2016 at 9:55 pm

      Are you not a Nigerian?

    • Ada Nnewi

      November 29, 2016 at 10:12 pm

      Engoz ehnnn Nigerian tire me..

    • Hashva

      November 30, 2016 at 12:03 am

      ?????? my thoughts so eloquently written??????

    • MiDe

      November 30, 2016 at 2:11 pm

      Lol!!! You just spoke my mind.

  10. Loki

    November 29, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    Well, if you go past the title there is some sense in the article (although i feel it’s some subtle shade at the Ms Makinwa’s of this world).
    For those who can’t be bothered to read the erm…public service announcement, the writer’s point is – many women know their significant others are not monogamous and have no intent to be, yet go ahead to commit to the man thinking there is something they can do to change his position. When the whole thing blows up as can be expected, hell is let loose as if they were caught by surprise.
    That is the summary of the article. You may now choose to agree or murder the writer.
    This is my good deed for the day.

  11. Kokoro Dudu

    November 29, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    Madam Asake Gogoro, your own too much o. Sorry, why are you being a bitch? I think you have a problem with forgiveness and you are so full of yourself.

    Let me break it down for you – nobody is perfect and men would always be jerks. Women would, mostly, be emotional.

    Nigeria is such a fucked up place, why are you there? Your job probably sucks, why didn’t you leave. It’s women like you that actually put up appearances and form holier than though. Your own time dey come.

    Ok, this Toke Makinwa’s stuff is enough for a day.

    • Rahama

      November 29, 2016 at 11:37 pm

      My thoughts exactly. Asake, I don’t know who you are but from your write up I don’t like you. You seem to be a mean spirited person. Eating while your friends life is crashing all around her. Even if she’s living a pretentious life nko? Gosh I hate women like you. Get a life

    • Aminawon

      November 30, 2016 at 8:12 am

      The write up states that her life had crashed…since….. What exactly are you blaming the writer for? It seems you are more worried about the public embarrassment, than the actual offence here.

    • kel

      November 30, 2016 at 10:20 am

      But the friend’s life crashed a long time ago na. What’s your point? The only new offence Mr. Husband committed that day was taking his mistress to where his wife was. Nothing else was new.

      Hate her all you want but if she won’t join her pretentious friend in crying over long ago spilt and rotten milk, she’s well within her rights to do so.

  12. Please

    November 29, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    I did not read the article but by the heading I do not know how cheating can be rationalized – Man or woman. Yes, many people keep forgiving cheating partners and staying with them; however it is not always black & white – especially in a marriage with kids involved, or for a financially dependent person etc.
    I know many women that are great, faithful, beautify, work-family life balance on point etc. Yet their partners keep cheating on them! How can you not be a vilian? What more do they want?
    Is cheating compulsory? Has someone ever died from staying faithful. Abeg.

  13. A Real Nigerian

    November 29, 2016 at 8:24 pm

    What kind of shallow, sheepish article is this one?
    Apart from the fact that this poorly-written filth is convoluted and idiotic, it stinks of psychological enslavement by the patriarchy.
    What is this nonsense “you made your choice to stay” crap?
    Do you think it is easy to leave a broken marriage in this disgusting Nigerian society?
    People will always find a way to blame the woman.
    A woman who has endured infidelity and looks for hope after leaving the marriage will still face an onslaught of senseless accusations, sneers and mockery. People will call her weak.
    And here you are, a woman, trying to blame another woman for the shyt she is put through by our society. Saying she shouldn’t call the man a villain. And why? Because she couldn’t leave. Newsflash: Not every woman has the strength to leave! You can sit on your high horse and say stupid stuff, it’s okay.
    Instead of stupidly and codedly putting them down like you are doing, all they need to read and hear is encouragement. All they need is support.
    Women like you who submit to the patriachy and refuse to think outside the box are the reason feminism finds it hard to move forward.
    “If you decide to stay, don’t make him the villain
    when sh*t hits the roof.”
    ^Look at this stupid statement please? Putting down women who have already been through more than enough. Shame on you!
    Your sole reason for writing this article is to bash women who didn’t have the strength to leave and continue to suffer in silence and not anything else.
    This is embarrassing and you should be ashamed of yourself.
    You are a shame to feminism and humanity.
    Your article is bad and you should feel bad.
    Disgusting.

    • Engoz

      November 29, 2016 at 9:10 pm

      It’s like there is a wire in some women’s head to defend men senselessly at their own detriment. Men don’t even ‘rationalize’ a cheating wife, but you will see women helping Nigerian men to rationalize their cheating. You think Nigerian men care for your sorry ass? Lmao! Asake well done. Defender of the Universe! Rotflmao!

      Well, I do not only think of a Cheating Nigerian man as a villain but a SOCIOPATH. A sociopath lacks conscience. he knows it will hurt the person but he will still go ahead to do it. These men delight in it. I’m not surprised though. This is what Asake wrote in her ‘about’ statement…”Die hard romantic waiting for my horseman in shinning Agbada!” Lmao!!!!

    • A Real Nigerian

      November 29, 2016 at 9:29 pm

      Yes. If I remember my Criminal Minds and Medical Detectives correctly, you are right about them being sociopathic. No empathy, no conscience, entitled, shameless, manipulative and messy. Plus, they always become uneasy when they are caught and/or challenged.
      Damn. Fits the billing perfectly. Never thought of it this way.

    • Ada Nnewi

      November 29, 2016 at 10:18 pm

      When Nigerian women sit down to analyse Nigerian Men and their cheating habits, you will think the men are brainless dimwits that can be easily manipulated by women instead of the manipulative sons of balaan that they really are.. Nigerian women, Men are smart, the average Nigerian man is a mix of James Bond, Einstein and Newton when it comes to manipulating women and the women humbly swallow all the BS, hook, line and sinker

  14. Jo!

    November 29, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    I keep saying this “strong woman” rhetoric is tired. It. Is. Tired.
    Many women base their “strength” on the amount of trash they can take and still come out smiling, African women in particular. They think because they chose to stay and “focus on their children” or “focus on work”, they’re strong.
    Listen, strength, to me, in situations like this, is knowing that you’ll be cold at night, you will cry, the entire world will FLAY you, but you put yourself FIRST and Walk. Away. When it gets to the point when you feel like you’re losing yourself. In fact, before then: When you pick your first STI. The first time you saw a condom in his wallet, the first time he hits you. The first time he said he was in Abuja and someone saw him in Lagos.
    I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if I find out my man cheats on me, I do not know, I can’t imagine it. But I will prioritize myself and my wellbeing. First.
    NEVER lose yourself in chasing someone. NEVER.

    I don’t even know if I’m coherent. This thing is painful to hear

  15. A Real Nigerian

    November 29, 2016 at 8:29 pm

    I swear the author of this article is an idiot. This right here is everything that is wrong with feminism today.
    Hopeless, senseless women whose minds have been policed into accepting that they will ultimately be to blame for everything.
    I am highly disgusted.

  16. Nedu

    November 29, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    Yoruba women are you the only high and mighty women who get cheated on (Tiwa, Toke, Toyin etc). In the whole world

    Yours na unique Abi? Maybe the problem is you

    Unexamined life is not worth living

    • bonnie gee

      November 29, 2016 at 10:11 pm

      @ nedu…come 2 fink of it. dere names al starts wif “t” tiwa,toke,toyin.

    • Xoxo

      November 30, 2016 at 12:25 am

      How old are you?? Are you a kid that doesn’t know how to spell things right, didn’t you go to school or you’re just plain annoying??? WTF is fink??? Please help the other commenters and type the words out you seem ridiculous.

    • bonnie gee

      November 29, 2016 at 10:28 pm

      its nt always easy 2 leave 4 sum. datin a guy bck den in skul,*dis dude can lie 4 Africa n i c cheating potentials in him* i let finz die naturally. i prayd like am nt gonna live til d nxt dae, i cried, i played, hangd out wif fwnds n all. i stil dnt gt y d men of our generation r lyk dis

    • Mee

      November 30, 2016 at 12:04 am

      Please write with full words jor, when you aren’t in primary school.

    • Xoxo

      November 30, 2016 at 12:21 am

      Are you serious at all?? You mentioned 3 women (who are in the entertainment industry) and dragged the whole tribe.. You are disgusting

    • Xoxo

      November 30, 2016 at 12:47 am

      This reply is for Nedu. Bellanaija please fix your reply button I think something is going on with it.

  17. A Real Nigerian

    November 29, 2016 at 8:37 pm

    Look at what a woman, and more importantly – a human being, is writing?
    Later, when I bash the stupid things that authors of this website write, they will say I am a “hater”.
    When you keep on encouraging mediocrity and stupid logic, this is the kind of trash you end up with.
    It’s a shame to see young, impressionable people like this drown in a sea of ignorance. It’s a shame to see them pass across their myopic, demeaning and self-loathing rhetoric. Any woman out there reading this crap and feeling like dirt, don’t!
    You are not weak and he is still the villain no matter how long you stay! No matter how long you have stayed and endured. But you can do it. Don’t listen to the shyt spilled by intellectually less privileged bottom-feeders like this lady here.

    • hey you..

      November 29, 2016 at 9:16 pm

      Give it a rest already,can´t you?..kai! your blood is always 24hrs hot.

  18. COMMENTER

    November 29, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    The title of this article holds no water….. Here is the issue: If he decides to cheat, he is already a villain. It was a personal decision/lack of self control that is exclusive of the other parties actions. Some men will lie and it may be extremely difficult to find out the truth.

    You had some who knew of the cheating tell you. Some women, do not have this opportunity. Some women are never opportune to see even a text message from the other woman. That is a blessing……. In our society and even the foreign societies, how often do you hear of a “secret family” coming out after a man has passed.

    In the event that you friends case, she is NOT the villain. She is the victim who turned an enabler + victim. Yes enabler + victim. You yourself said that some of the men are emotional abuser. She has confirmation and is thus somewhat empowered with information. She is an enabler because she is covering up his indiscretions from the world and trying to prove that he views her as enough buy gifting her with items.

    An ideal response, is to leave such a man. However, our Nigerian society has placed so much emphasis and responsibility of a marriage working out on the WOMAN. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. She can pray for him alright but she has a responsibility remove herself from harms way especially since her husband does not care about her well-being.

    She is somewhat empowered with the knowledge of his activity. Full empowerment would be understanding why she must take care of herself and how to go about it. Is she financially dependent on him…..? etc, How does she undo those strings? She may have to be pointed in the right direction and it may very new for her…. That being said, you may have to be patient with your friend and come together with other friends to empower her. Of course you cannot assume responsibility for certain things that she does but be patient with her.

    I just think that the Nigerian society needs to stop placing the majority of the weight of a “successful marriage” on women. The woman did not marry herself. She is married to another human being. She is not responsible for here husbands mistakes and this should not be expected to fix them. Women, you cannot fix a mans shortcoming. That is a GOD sized job. A man will address his shortcoming if and when he is ready to be honest to himself, GOD and parties involved. That takes humility and more etc.

    Men have a responsibility to their marriage and spouse. They share equal responsibility for the marriage and are responsible for their shortcomings. Women are responsible for their own personal shortcomings too. The Nigerian society(parents) out to teach and encourage men to take responsibility and play their part.

    Done.

    • Engoz

      November 29, 2016 at 9:27 pm

      Ride on!!!! The causative agent here is the cheating man. I have never ever seen an article addressing adultery in men, it’s always about how the secondary parties involved should ‘cope’ with his cheating, or we should not call them villains because he made a ‘choice’. We are always treating the symptom, not the cause of the wahala which is the cheating culprit.

    • Wallaitallai

      November 30, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      Adultery in men is natural. Men are passionate about ass.

      What can i tell you?

      Monogamy is a trap designed to control society by making women believe they have to be sheltered, nurtured, spoon fed with love, louboutin and affection.

      Look at zahra, the next beech to fall. Ahmed go handle her matter in no time.

      The feminism movement is 70years behind old age. Ask hillary

  19. Teni

    November 29, 2016 at 8:44 pm

    The title is off-putting but she’s saying that a woman who stays with a cheating man should also take responsibility because she becomes complicit in his infidelity if she keeps letting him get away with it. And staying after you’ve been cheated on is letting him get away with it.

    It’s quite tiring to be the person who tries to be a good friend and listens to one’s woes but never sees them try to change it. And as she said, her friend got pissed at her and stopped talking to her for a while because she told her about her cheating husband. Friendships are complicated and all she’s saying is that a woman who constantly cries and laments about a cheating husband she refuses to leave will never be happy. And perhaps it’s time for that woman to value herself and try to be happy.

    • Tam

      December 3, 2016 at 5:06 pm

      Teni thats my point exactly.
      There is nothing you can offer to someone who does not love herself.
      Self love first then friendship. Some people are not even friendship worthy.

  20. Aisha

    November 29, 2016 at 8:51 pm

    @omi, please where did u download it. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee

    • What an ass

      November 29, 2016 at 10:08 pm

      Don’t be a cheapskate, go buy the book.
      These same people will screen corruption tomorrow meanwhile you’re the bedrock of that corruption. Don’t steal people’s sweat, if you can’t buy the book, move along.

  21. hadiza

    November 29, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    But cheating men are villains. That’s all men are good for. Hurting, beating and cheating on women. No man is worth it. they are all beasts.

  22. Luola

    November 29, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Dear Writer, getting over a heartbreak at 18 and ending a marriage are not the same thing! I want to assure you that in marriage you will no longer be able to draw from the strenght of the 18 year old you. Instead you will need to draw from the strenght of thr 70 year old you. What I mean is your focus would be on your FUTURE not your PAST. You sound like women who are cheated on are weak and helpless and play the victim…maybe this description fits some of them. But there is another crop of women who stay that you did not mention. They are the kind of women that stay because staying fits into their strategic plans for their lives. E.g Hillary Clinton…the woman knew where she was going and a million Monicas were not enough to stop her. Please who ran for president and where is the other woman who’s name I cannot even remember how to spell cos of how irrelevant she has become? I am sure if Secretary Clinton had spoken to you then you would have advised she leave him and that may have been the end of both their political careers!
    Moral of my story: mind your business when it comes to people’s marriages or relationships. Women stay for all kinds of reasons some you will never understand but if it works them who made you the fidelity judge and what gives you the right to sound so condescending? Please women are not as weak, naive and helpless as you painted us to be in this article! If a man cheats he is indeed the villian if a woman cheats she is the villian! And if anyone chooses to stay after infidelity do not assume it is a sign of weakness it is not always the case! To each his/her own! Women have a right to fight for their marriages if they want to! If you cannot forgive infidelity that is for you, leave the people that can alone. The true sign of an intellectual write up is your ability to balance different perspectives while still conforming to your own. This is a myopic view!

    • Don't annoy me

      November 29, 2016 at 10:16 pm

      Here’s where I call BS. Let me say it again. BS. I throughly hate when Hilary Clinton is used as an example of a woman who cheated on that stayed. It’s degrading to all her efforts and achievements. Her story is one out of millions and not one that can even be used as a flag bearer for doormat wives and girlfriends who stay. Hilary should have divorced Bill ages ago. Maybe just maybe she would have resonated more with women. Her husband’s past was used to drag her name in the mud during the campaign. Did you see the look on her face sometimes when Bill’s history was thrown in her face. How mortified she looked. Just because she went on to become secretary of state and ran for president is now supposed to be used as something ti aspire to. Stay with a man that cheated on you, so one day you too can run for president. Oro rirun. Will a man fight for his marriage if he caught you cheating? So, why do nigerian women like postulating excuses and reasons all the time.

      You know what. Forever in History his name would always be said with respect and in the record books as a president. If she didn’t run, no one would even remember Monica Lewinsky. Can we say the same with her. No. Almost doesn’t count. Almost president and consolation prize secretary of state doesn’t count, especially with all the corruption linked with her during the campaign. She has come out looking worse off than her husband. His record of service is regaled with admiration and respect. Can we say the same for her? So no, Hilary should not be used as a yardstick to tell women to stay. A 31yr old distant relative is dealing with infertility caused by an untreated STD that she didn’t know that she contracted from her husband. It has eaten up her insides, causing scarring everywhere, it will take a miracle to conceive. Such a woman isn’t weak and naive. She exercised the right to fight for her marriage. Where’s her prize If she had listened to those who advised her to leave, wouldn’t she be better off? This man has two kids outside, she is left scarred for life. I guess she can go on and run for president, since she stayed. A golden flag is waiting for her.

      You know where your comment went over a cliff? Your Hilary, paragon and patron saint of wives who stayed after cheating never vilified and demonised her husband. She knew she couldn’t try it because Bill was and is still very much loved by the American public, and highly respected too. Wives who are being cheated on, leave, leave, leave. Show these men you can survive without them. You have no glory at the end of the day. Staying for your children is even worse because you will have taught your son that it is okay and he will go on and make someone else’s daughter’s life a living hell. You would have told your daughter that it is okay to accept it. Stay and paint the picture perfect married life.

      Why do Nigerian men get away with cheating. Simple answer. Two words: Nigerian Women. We are the banes of our own existence. We allow it. Then we turn right back and vilify a man. I have zero, let me write it again, zero sympathies for a woman who stayed back and let the man show her pepper. Did they tie his deeeck to your destiny. The community penis that will give you STD’s is the one you want to kill yourself for. If you want to stay, stay, nobody is forcing you. Vilifying a man while you stay or after you leave, enter Ms Makinwa and the likes makes you a hypocrite. He did you wrong, sure, his reward is in hell. YOU also did YOURSELF wrong. It’s easy to point at the man because it prevents you from looking at yourself and asking yourself how you got here.

      Fight for your marriage. I can recognise those words. Opium of fellow nigerian women. Fight for your marriage. Who are you fighting. The man who is wandering all over the place sticking it into everything or the girls he is sticking it to. You clearly are a woman who is staying and fighting and madam, more grease to your elbow. Keep the good fight. When you wake up at 60 and are weary of fighting, maybe then you will receive sense and pack your things. By then it’s too late and you would have taught your children the wrong thing, and be a mother in law who would tell her son’s wife to stay and fight too like you.

    • tee

      November 30, 2016 at 2:06 pm

      @dont annoy me: where you get strength to write this kain long thing?

    • It takes strength to stay

      November 30, 2016 at 12:57 am

      Agree with luola! Not everyone stays because they want to mrs. Will leaving change the fact that their hearts are broken in that spot forever! Divorce is also a painful option on top of injury! A marriage prartner who is cheated on can have the upper hand to renogotiate her marriage and the way she is treated. It can be the turning point for both sides. Staying and holding that man accountable and making sure he faces consequences without covering for him takes strength. It doesn’t mean you will tell the world or stop posting happy pictures. This article was well written but from the view point of someone who hasn’t had an experience criticising a person who went through something she doesn’t know about. Saying if you were the one you would do xyz is easy until you are the one! Until you learn to never say never and to understand how it is possible to stay and still be a boss you are only settting yourself up when you don’t meet your own unkind standards in the future. Marriage is the breeding ground of compromise

    • Lala

      November 30, 2016 at 3:53 pm

      It takes strength to stay? Seems like you’re equating strength with fear! A woman should calculate. Put yourself on a strong financial footing then leave, that is strength. I think high blood pressure in women has something to do with cheating spouses.

    • It takes strength to stay

      November 30, 2016 at 1:37 am

      Divorce is not a tool for revenge. It is not something you do because you are trying to prove you will not tolerate something. It is children that throw tantrums every time something they don’t like happens. It takes strength to stay and clean up the mess you didn’t create but is stinking up your life. Marriage is full of the shit of your children, parents, in laws and partner and yes you have to get good with choosing between ego and what serves you in the end. You don’t cut your nose to spite your face. Aged Parents, children and livelihoods and the cheated person can be affected permanently by divorce so yes a person should definitely exercise the right not to take that step as much as she has the right to take it. For those talking about red flags, they aren’t always apparent. A lot more is revealed after the marriage than can be contemplated before. And Yes people should leave if they get to that point but don’t shame those who decide to stay! Any stayers reading this know ur decision is valid and make sure you get a better deal after all you have gone through. If he isn’t remorseful don’t cover him instead create a crisis and make your demands. And no not money, that’s the time to demand change. Insist on counselling and make sure he parts with money for it. If you can’t get counselling buy books on affairs, books that show you how to create new boundaries and enforce consequences. You can stay and heal with the support of your partner rather than leave and be looking for closure. If you hold him to account and show him you will not cover his cheating ass it can be a turn around. You are better off with a guy who has learnt from being burnt by experience than a guy who thinks he isn’t open to affairs just because he hasn’t been tempted. No one is above an affair, if you don’t realise that you have to make urself affair proof then you sef can be headed for one

  23. Flexe

    November 29, 2016 at 9:48 pm

    As long as you cheated, you are the villain. If he/she decides to stay or leave, it’s their choice. It doesn’t mean they’re not hurting, Stop being a bully!

  24. What an ass

    November 29, 2016 at 10:01 pm

    The author needs a complete neurological reconstruction. What utter garbage
    I’m not one to hurl insults but you my friend are one silly prepubescent lemur.
    Comparing your flippant relationship at 18 to a marriage/relationship of 12 years. You were not an orphan neither did you lose both your parents in a day. You probably had a good support system around you, yet you seat in your high chair to insinuate that your ability to walk away was based on your innate sense of self preservation.
    I’m not painting anyone a saint but this article is idiotic.

    • slice

      November 30, 2016 at 3:29 am

      The relationship was not flippant. She loved she hurt she moved on. Staying with a cheat us not what makes you a fraud. Deceiving all and sundry that your dog is a cat is the problem with the friend. She’s staying for public acceptance.

  25. Nahum

    November 29, 2016 at 10:08 pm

    I agree with Asake, any woman who stays in an adulterous relationship should share the blame. I am tired of our women trying to act like the victims and crying “woe unto me” when you knew all along that your man was, is and will be cheating. If you decide to stay, put on your big girl panties, wipe your tears and suck it up without complaining. I agree with you Asake, it’s not about not having empathy for women, this is about women getting off the “pity party parade” and taking responsibility for their decisions.

  26. Not a victim

    November 29, 2016 at 10:17 pm

    See, we are responsible for our lives and accordingly to Myles Munroe, the burden of freedom is responsibility.

    Cheating is wrong and its horrible; most importantly, an insult to God in whose presence vows were taken.

    That said, we need to stop seeing ourselves as victims and know that we can demand respect if it won’t be given freely. Women cheat but they go to lengths to hide it maybe because the men will walk out but when we are cheated on, we start forming victims and blaming childhood issues creating a semblance of perfection and demonizing the other woman.

    I agree society doesn’t make it easy but is the problem society or is with a deep seated need to prove that we are good women and can keep a man.

    When I turned 25, I told myself that I will be authentic and happy with peace of mind regardless of public validation because in the end it’s fatal to lie to ones self.

    If my husband cheats on me, I will crrrrrrry, crrrry, crrrrrrry eh (I’m sure you get it), then I’ll call my mum and siblings, then I’ll call a divorce lawyer and plan my divorce ( I won’t just leave like that without a plan to ensure I and the kids are sorted). Once it’s sorted, I’ll talk to my kids. explain to them and move on.

    Life is too short, no man will kill me Biko. There are omugwos in my future

  27. Nahum

    November 29, 2016 at 10:19 pm

    By the way I stand with Toke!!! She had the guts to walk and she has written a book about her pain. I love you Toke, you are my shero ?

    • ify

      November 30, 2016 at 12:36 am

      lol You do realize it took her 14 years to walk away.

    • goya

      November 30, 2016 at 2:26 am

      @ify, did she walk away? It appears she lost so she threw in the towel.
      My ex husband didn’t have a child with his ex but he kept her existence a secret and then while we were having ‘issues’ he started (or resumed ? Lol) sleeping with her. So even though he had some fundamental character flaws that should have been apparent prior to the ‘I dos’ but became glaring when the ship began to sink I hung on as though on auto pilot compromising myself in hope of retrieving a love that in truth was never there. The harder I worked the more he seemed to play the role of lover one day and villain the next. Yet I hung on. And I knew it wasn’t for love. I guess I didn’t want to lose. After several hazy months of back and forth, hot and cold I conceded. So I can’t in honesty say I walked away as that implies a strength which I didn’t demonstrate. I feel ashamed when I remember how much of my time and emotions I expended and so I know now that I’ll never give my power to anyone.

  28. nene

    November 29, 2016 at 10:21 pm

    this article is the truth! take it or leave it!

  29. Observer

    November 29, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    Asake just had to jump in there and be noticed. My dearest attention seeker, you are so transparent. Maje likes his women yellow, so no brownie points from him to you.

  30. Teni

    November 29, 2016 at 10:55 pm

    And those who wonder why the marriage topic is flogged to death on this site should look at the first page of this blog. This post has more comments than the other 19 combined.

    • Livvy's Mama

      December 1, 2016 at 12:40 pm

      Lol… I tell you!

  31. Felinda

    November 29, 2016 at 11:10 pm

    To be fair to men I think bellanaija.com needs to stop posting always about women crying Woe me a man cheated on me a man beat me. Not to condone any of those wrongs. But I think some women are just as bad they cheat and hit men do post that too do not as to alienate your male readers. It’s not fair on them. You are now becoming like a Terry McMillan of blogs . Where is she now. Not all men are bad. Just be fair Ok.

    As for Toke story I refuse to chime in cos unlike most I like to hear all sides version before I kuku draw conclusions without knowing full story.

    But I feel u Bella, as u did Tiwas gist milk all the opportunity with increased traffic and clicks dollars for Tokes.

    You gotta eat right? 🙂

    • Rahama

      November 30, 2016 at 9:51 am

      I don’t think BN should stop posting. If men have a case let them present it to BN and BN will post it. If you think Toke’s case is one of few please join the group Female In Nigeria (FIN) and see what women are going through. It would blow your mind. We owe it to ourselves to speak out about what we’re going through so that someone somewhere who has given up will know she’s not alone and draw strength from that fact and work towards freeing herself. Things are bad out there for the majority of women and people like you are sayin we should downplay it to suit the appetite of men? If a man is good posts like this shouldn’t worry him na. The guilty know themselves and it is eating them from the inside knowing that more and more women are coming out to speak up. God bless Toke, she might be the villain to some now but trust me one day she will be celebrated. You have no idea the number of women that have drawn strength from her book.

    • Baba

      November 30, 2016 at 1:29 pm

      Madam Felinda,Are you JJC on Bella?You mean to tell me you do not know all Nigerian men,mostly Yoruba are demon? and that Nigerian women do not cheat!!!
      You need to see why Nigerian men that lives outside the country loves to visit Nigeria on hols.
      The holy women,who never cheat are eaten for breakfast (about to get married or in committed relationships).
      In the western world,being married send signal to most single ladies….the choices are limited. Moral values are cherished in countries that are not spiritual,unlike our over spiritual Nigeria where even the pastors use these ladies as lunches.
      Nigerian women are equally as guilty as the men the seem to always like to castigate!!!!

  32. Mymind

    November 29, 2016 at 11:39 pm

    “Let’s Stop Painting Cheating Men As Villains”.. really? Really? So cheating men are now what? heroes? tsk tsk tsk… women have suffered; weak or strong, we get flamed. SMH. Couldn’t get beyond the title so I didn’t bother to read. Pretty sure it’s a worthless read anyway.

    • Xoxo

      November 30, 2016 at 12:50 am

      My dear it definitely is. I didn’t gain one single thing neither was it interesting to read. Just a confused write showing how myopic she is.

    • Xoxo

      November 30, 2016 at 12:51 am

      *writer

  33. Lucinda

    November 30, 2016 at 1:29 am

    To be fair, I understand where she’s coming from. Nobody likes a complainer. You either take it in like the virtuous woman that you are or you pack your bags and leave. My very close friend didn’t even let me know what she was going through till after the divorce was finalised. I like people who are true to themselves jare. There’s this recent DV cry for help in Stella Dimoko. Can you guys believe that this woman wrote back to deny and retract her cry for help? Something with audio visual evidence. The man almost plucked out her eyes. Now she wants to sue Stella. This is a lesson to every woman. Staying with the villain doesn’t make you strong. Take full responsibility for the part that you played and cut your loses while you still can. I want a part 2 to this Toke book. It should be “Mistakes I made on becoming”.

    • LEM

      November 30, 2016 at 11:03 am

      @Lucinda, you get the gist. Nobody says don’t stay or stay. Yes, we are not all strong but please suck it up and take responsibility for whatever choice you make. This transcends marriage oh, it is also applicable for jobs, friendships etc. It’s basically the serenity prayer ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference’.

  34. hmm

    November 30, 2016 at 9:09 am

    This article is just a shade. you’re ugly in and out.

  35. ijs

    November 30, 2016 at 10:08 am

    My view: 60 percent of Nigerian women are Muslims, their religion allows them to be polygamous. A lot of men come from polygamous homes. Almost everyone’s grandfather had children by several women. As with every thing western, It will take a while for this monogamy thing to sink in. But until then, mothers need to raise they’re sons better. Most guys had their mom telling them it was ok to have several women. The ones that did not, had friends to tell them so.

    • Anon

      November 30, 2016 at 11:17 am

      My view: 60 percent of Nigerian women are Muslims, their religion allows them to be polygamous.

      Erroneous stat. Where did you get it from? A bit of research will give you the correct percentage.

    • The Real Oma

      November 30, 2016 at 11:28 am

      60%1? Where did you get that statistic from?

  36. Toluwalope

    November 30, 2016 at 11:12 am

    I think I need to move to that part of Nigeria where ladies/women don’t cheat more than men…..pls help a brother out. Where exactly is it?

  37. Observer

    November 30, 2016 at 11:13 am

    This quote below from the author, literally sums her up. If you are her friend, pls run from her, she sounds bitter and jealous. We will all be here when you get married and got help you if you post any lovey dovey stuff. Horrible somebody

    ‘the joy of being a Mrs and looking happy and in love to people who frankly don’t give a sh*t about you on social media was more than the pain of living with a cheating partner. But I understood it was her choice to remain – just as it was my choice to leave someone I suspected (I never even caught him red handed) of cheating.

    Few days later, Sola and hubby are in Jamaica, having the time of their lives. Privately she calls me to curse out her husband but still she is posting philosophical memes on Instagram and I’m still here smiling to myself.’

    • Observer

      November 30, 2016 at 11:14 am

      *God*

  38. kay

    November 30, 2016 at 11:27 am

    And so I was talking to a friend this morning and jealousy in a relationship was brought up and he said instead for a lady to be worried about who her guy hangs out with, she should be more concerned about her role in the guy’s life and in the relationship. And I realized something. We most times focus on the wrong things and that takes up the time we would have spent building the important aspects. A one-sided relationship most times falls apart, whether a romantic relationship, a business relationship, a family relationship or just any kind of relationship. Both parties must contribute something and play their roles accordingly. The feeling of insecurity is sometimes natural, the feeling that someday this person might not have need for you or that the new acquaintance might become more valuable to him, but instead of the worries and fears, PLAY YOUR PART and watch your value to that person become substantial. As a lady you need to be able to bring more to the relationship other than a hot bod, a fine face, excellent cooking skills or even extra ordinary bed skills. When he looks at you, does he see a motivator? Does he see a building partner? Instead of worrying and nagging him about the other girls he keeps as friends, you should be more concerned about your impact in him. This is not to say unfaithfulness should be condoned but the time spent worrying and being consumed by jealousy is time that could be spent expressing your true feelings and building your worth. In a parallel comparison to a business relationship, a business partner who does not impact the business, who doesn’t play his/ her role will soon be disposed no matter how long they have been partners. As you improve on life daily, you must increase your value in every relationship you keep, that is what makes you indispensable in the long run. This applies to every other aspects in life and business. PLAY YOUR PART and all others will fall into place.

  39. Ab

    November 30, 2016 at 12:57 pm

    I’m all for painting them as Villains but let women respect and love themselves enough to walk away if they need to! Ofcourse a cheating man should and can be viewed a villain So I beg to differ on that headline Asake darling! Women stop lying to yourselves , we all know what Asake has said is true, it’s okay to cry & defend the man just cause u don’t believe what’s happened or u acted oblivious but when u are done, advise yourself, tell urself the truth, listen to the voice of reason (that someone is telling you what you don’t want to hear doesn’t always mean they are hating/don’t mean well for you) , and be objective in your decision to stay or to leave! Whichever u decide to do , own it, own the situation n deal with it! No need for a pity party ! Well done Asake! Also I read a lot of well written responses on BN by seemingly intelligent men & women but yet laced with abusive tones & mannerism! I understand that most have been hurt in d past but commenting in this manner shows zero class & that the hurt is still sore, it’s okay but please calm down people , calm down God has got you all!!!

  40. Ladies and Men issue

    November 30, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Many a times, i just wonder why all you people do here is to talk about MEN from morning till evening; January to December, all year round. I wonder why it is not as easy as ABC. I mean -if you don’t want a man, simple leave him. If he cheats on you, go for a divorce, as even the bible supports it

    ……but i remembered that Genesis 3:16 says “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

    Emphasis on Your desire shall be to thy husband…answers my question. I don’t wish for a female child at all, all males will do me. The challenges of a female child is to hard to bear.

    Now let me address the female audience here as there are insignificant male audience here.
    Some hard points here:

    1. Female population is more than male population
    2. Majority of the male population are not desirable for girls/ladies. 45%
    3. These (above ) are the mechanics, drivers, touts, agberos, sellers, conductors, repairers, shoe makers, farmers (45%) and you cannot blame them because it is a profession and these professions are needed in every society
    4. The other fraction of the male population 25% are the jobless, strugglers, graduates, those without cars, those who cant afford buy girls pizza and coldstone everyday, those squatting – without their own abode and THOSE WHOSE VISION/PURPOSE in life is still in the oven-not yet done
    5. We are left with 30% of the eligible, established, pocket-full, ever ready to please, female thriller population of men whom in 99.9% cases are already taken by other females. Either married or in a very serious relationships
    6. Since the needs of man are insatiable, every girl on earth wants the 30% fraction of those who are established, those whose vision are already in place, those with cars, those who can give them treats upandan, those who can spend 30k-50k at a sitting in a night club on drinks alone……..
    7. This literally means you want another girl’s man (Straight Face—-Hard Truth)
    8. You go all out for that man, ignoring the fact that another girl own’s him and you want that type of man at all cost. The eligible girls are all over and they cant resit these 30% fraction of established men–therefore YOUR BOO MUST GET A BOO.
    9. What is the end result of these?
    a. everyday commotion on Bella Naija
    b. Heart Break, Divorce, Cheating and what have you?

    IS THERE ANY SOLUTION TO THESE PROBLEMS?

    Yes of course, no problem without a solution
    1. Ladies need to re-evaluate what they want in a man. You can date the 25% fraction or the 40% fraction, leave the 30% eligible fraction, then little cries here and there

    2. There is dignity in labour. Profession is profession- whether he is Indimis son, He is Otedola’s son, Dangote’s son, or he is a carpenter, repairer, fruit seller….profession if profession. If we dont have bus conductors again, how will you move around town? Therefore marry those ones too

    3. If there is no demand, there wont be a supply. Men are not cheating with men or animals, it is with a fellow lady. Limit your desire or greed. If you know a woman is already with that cute/fresh/tall/dark/handsome guy you are crushing over, just leave him alone. You can freshen yours too up. Stop looking for ready made, go for surulere, isale eko, ojoto…..

    4. …this my boss just called me-lost touch with what i was writing…i

    I sympathize with you all!

  41. adunni

    November 30, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    God help us all, the deed has been done, u just don’t judge from the surface.

  42. Dare

    November 30, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    you’re yet to read “The Book”, please do not read this post.
    So girl meets a boy. Boy was all lovely and charming. Shortly after, boy begins to show his true colours. He shows you in many ways than one that he doesn’t love you. He clearly has other girls he was with prior to meeting you, included an apparent live in lover, you over look these issues. Boy messes up habitually, treats you like dirt but always comes back begging. You always take him back.
    You visit boy’s parents, his mum prays for you; Prays that you’ll find your own husband, you don’t see this as a warning and cue to flee, you stay loving.
    Boy has cancelled wedding plans a couple of times already (even the introduction was attended by just two of his aunts) but somehow managed to go through with with in the end…Hallelujah!!! It was a secret wedding.
    Shortly after the wedding, the demons from the past arise again. He hardly has sex with you, has no plans of making babies with you. Gives you an STI. Sees other girls, you even find out he’d gotten someone else pregnant prior to meeting you and they’ve got a son together. You stay put, no separation, no divorce, you stay loving. Then you find out one of his side chicks is pregnant by him. Shit hits fan, you finally decide to leave.
    You come back together again after persuasions and interventions from third parties but the hurt is too far gone, you can’t cope. Then you finally decide to leave.
    Now, feeding off the ignorance and foolish sentiments Nigerians are known for, you decide to write a book about your struggles. You portray yourself as a “victim” from start to finish. You feel entitled.
    So, you chose your poison, you ingested it but luckily, it didn’t kill you. Now, you want the public to help prosecute the pharmacist who sold you your poison in the court of public opinion then buy Aso ebi for your thanksgiving?! Aunty, please allow me to jump this one pass!
    Yes, I read it. I read it only because someone sent me a leaked copy. 5 hours of my life I’ll never get back.
    Conclusion (as seen on BN): The book is at best a satire on the desperation of the Nigerian female.
    End of!

  43. gigi

    November 30, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    What people call cheating is only an offence in the bible, and marriage under the act. most people that get married in Nigeria also do traditional marriage which allows a man to marry more than one wife. i do not see how a person who is not a born again christian and did traditional marriage can be stopped from marrying a second wife. and ofcourse usually you have to atleast date someone before marriage. so why are we deceiving ourselves.. i see that it is only when a man dates outside his marriage that it is sin. but when you lie, have sex outsidemarriage single or married, cheat etc nobody crys uhuru! ok that is not sin abi.

  44. ogeAdiro

    November 30, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    The writer probably has a point. Can’t even imagine being friends with another man whose wife is openly cheating. Women are different from men sha.

  45. Akpeno

    November 30, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    For once I would like to hear a truthful no nonsense open account from a man….. he can choose to hide his identity… but just come out openly, no holds barred and give us an account of why they cheat, when they cheated and how they feel/felt during and after.

    We can label them all we want but until we hear/read an honest account, our labels are ill informed.

  46. Idomagirl

    November 30, 2016 at 10:59 pm

    Your post is trash and you’re a terrible friend.
    The fact that you have ZERO empathy for your friend and was even gleeful cos her husband came in with his side chick shows it.

    If you had a lick of sense you wouldn’t even be comparing ending a RELATIONSHIP with leaving a MARRIAGE.
    If she’s truly your friend you would at least feel sorry for her, not gloating & waiting for her life to fall apart.
    Mscheeew.

    And a cheat is a villian, whether or not their partner stays with them.

  47. beauty

    December 1, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    And why is this coming some days after the long awaited “book” was launched? I pray that my partner never cheats though, Lord hear my prayer!

  48. purplieciousbabe

    December 5, 2016 at 12:21 am

    Atoke.. alot of people misunderstood this article.
    I understood your point.
    It is very valid.

  49. dee

    February 27, 2018 at 12:43 pm

    Well written piece and wake up call to women. but those who prefer to wallow in self pity hate to hear the truth. Those who believe only their truth is truth won’t listen. Screaming she is a disgrace to feminist when you don’t even know the meaning of feminism.Feminism is the more reason why a woman should be able to call a bull a bull. If you decide to stay in an abusive relationship by all means stay there but don’t expect sympathy from others. Because they are also exercising their rights to remain where they are and to think as they wish. Everyone can’t think alike and Asake just proved how independent minded she is with this write up. Kudos.

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