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Cisi Eze: I’m a Woman & I Need a Wife

Cisi Eze

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dreamstime_m_17802442In a wry twist, I need the person society wants me to be- a wife.

Wives are delightful! They literally do everything– wash, iron, cook, pray, etc. Life and its vicissitudes require I get one. I want to go home to clean sheets, warm food, zand great sex after a long day at work. According to society, only people with a warm, moist orifice betwixt their thighs are capable of doing all these.

The other people with extended, phallus-like appendages on the lower part of their anatomies can’t because… “superior”. What makes them superior? That part of their anatomy or… I’m seriously curious.
For starters, with a man, it would be conventional marriage. Conventional marriage, in my society, thwarts the concept of marriage equality. Conversely, with a woman, we would establish we are equal partners. After all, no one paid bride price. From reading Chinelo Okparanta’s Under the Udala Trees, I understood two partners in a marriage are like two wheels of a bicycle; they work together for the greater good. We would do whatever we can, based on our capabilities. No one would say, “You are a man, your job is to pay for …” I don’t understand why it’s a man’s duty to pay bills. With a woman, we would contribute according to individual financial strength. I heard some men, who are married to women that earn more, go on to foot most bills because… “I’m a man; I’m the head of the family.” Genius!

Patriarchy, via gender socialisation, has cast men as weak, almost invalid, grownups that feel entitled to women “kitchening” and doing “other things” in the Other Room. Beautiful, huh? I do not want an extra child I did not sign up for. I need to know I can travel and trust my partner- not our six-year-old daughter- to take care of our home. I want to know an adult is in charge. I don’t want my baby to become “small mummy” because my male partner is too manly to go into the kitchen and do chores in his own house. And what if I am home? It’s not my duty to cook. Because you don’t need ovaries to cook. Ha! A man cooks, he’s a chef. A woman cooks, it’s her duty. How… “pleasant”!

What is that thing they say about men not being emotional? Haha! Men are not emotional? When men fly into fits of rage and get lusty, they are not emotional, right? Okay, for the sake of this article, I’ll pretend men aren’t emotional. I’ll pretend society has not taught boys to repress their emotions. I need to be with someone that can be open with me; someone that would express their emotions by telling me how and what they feel. I can’t spend my happily-ever-after guessing my partner’s emotions.

Lest I forget, I heard that moaning during sex means a man is gay. Is that so? Wow! How do I tell my partner is “feeling me” if they don’t sound it? I need to hear what my partner feels. Haha! I should get a wife, really. I wasn’t destined to have non-communicative sex. Olorun m’aje!

Most importantly, I need someone that doesn’t feel entitled to me. I need someone that can kiss and love me right; play video games, watch football matches, discuss philosophy, science, and art; and play with nail lacquer and makeup. An average man wouldn’t do this because masculinity is so fragile that femininity, being “girlie”, breaks it.
Patriarchy also says good hygiene is a sign of homosexuality in men! It expects men to be dirty pigs that roll around in their filth. I can’t be with a pig shrouded in human flesh. Little wonder some boys “deliberately” leave their houses dirty in a bid to test their girlfriends. If I were courting a girl, I know she wouldn’t be that “overreaching” (stupid, actually). Where is it done that an able person leaves his/her house for his guest to come and clean? Seriously, take a minute to ask yourself if it makes sense. Assess the concept.

For anything to be balanced and whole, it must have duality. Yin and yang. Masculine and feminine. I want to feel whole! I need to be with someone that would not make me suppress a part of me in a bid to fit into the societal ideal of how a woman should be, based on gender roles and expectations.
I need to be with someone that would not think we are in a superiority tussle.

Wives are delightful! Everyone should “get” one. If men can have them, women should. As society has said people with salient protrusions on the upper part of their anatomies can give me what I need to be happy, I will go for happiness.
P.S. Interested girls, please, contact me. Let’s make a happy family!

Photo Credit: Elena Elisseeva | Dreamstime.com

Cisi Eze is a Lagos-based freelance journalist, writer, comic artist, and graphics designer. A media and justice fellow of the Bisi Alimi Foundation, she feels strongly about LGBT+ rights, feminism, gender issues, and mental health, and this is expressed through her works on Bella Naija and her blog – Shades of Cisi. Aside these, she has works on Kalahari Review, Holaafrica, Mounting the Moon, Gender IT, Outcast Magazine, Rustin Times, 14: An Anthology of Queer Art Volume 1 and 2, and Sweet Deluge (Issue 2). Cisi’s art challenges existing societal norms.

43 Comments

  1. Chief

    November 23, 2016 at 10:20 am

    As a man,i expect you as a wife to do parenting of your children as their mom,right?sure.Raising children is a noble job and also rewarding to many women who have the means to stay home,do the work of running a household for a family and pick the children up.Men and women are held to different societal expectations.Woman put food on the table while men are providers but feminists can’t acknowledge the B.S in their propaganda because it would require admitting that it is a propaganda.Men are providers.Always have been,always will be and that’s the way it should be.Complain to God because he is the one who designed us this way.

    • Nitomeya

      November 23, 2016 at 10:54 am

      Parenting is for both men and women. It is great for children to have a balanced relationship hence the need for both PARENTS to PARENT their children. I hope you see what I did there Chief.

      Until society truly evolves, it will be dangerous to raise gender fluid/neutral children. There are some things we need to get rid of right now, eg Boys don’t cry, that is nonsense however also consider how men who cry a lot are perceived and act accordingly.

      Like it or not, your children will find it tough to operate normally in a society that they have not been trained to deal with, they might eventually resent you for not bringing them up aright.

    • Chief

      November 23, 2016 at 12:31 pm

      I totally disagree with you.Patriarchy is balance and is given us men the power/authority in society as a compensation for our increased responsibility within society.I see patriarchy as similar to a parents authority over their children.Equality is not the rule.In African culture patriarchy is the only way,I have not heard of a successful matriarchy.Men need to demonstrate more of the men’s leadership they were made to show and women need to spend a lot more time looking up to and respecting their men.If both sexes did that,we wouldn’t have theses problems in the first place.Women want it all,of course they will fail.I see nothing but trouble ahead for any woman stupid enough to embrace feminism.You feminists never shut up,you make sensational statement and muddle up the facts.

  2. Nitomeya

    November 23, 2016 at 10:44 am

    I think women have for a long time convinced themselves that they bring the most to a marriage that they have stop assessing and appreciating what men bring to the table, I am not taking about Money, No I am talking about other things that Men do effortlessly without complaining. I might just start constantly reminding my woman about the things I do for her and hope she appreciates what I do.

    I agree with the writer Men are equally as emotional as women. I think the difference is Intuition and Analysis. A women is more likely to go with her guts feeling while a man with analysis. A woman more likely to fall in love based on how you make her feel while a man based on sight. There are no set rule however as we are all a product of social grooming. Eg A lion that grows up with zebras will think and act like a zebra.

    PS. I want you all to think about the good and bad, your man and woman brings to your relationship. also note that most men are not in the habit of vocalizing their thought process, so you will have to use your intuition.

    • tunmi

      November 24, 2016 at 1:36 am

      You really should that. Actually it would be good for both you and your partner to assess what you both bring into the relationship. I’m not saying make a tally and throw it on each other’s faces but create an open dialogue.

      And I have to call BS on this part “I think the difference is Intuition and Analysis. A women is more likely to go with her guts feeling while a man with analysis. A woman more likely to fall in love based on how you make her feel while a man based on sight.” Intuition and Analysis are not exclusive to any gender. There are times when you have listened to your guy and there are times when you have followed logic. It’s more of a personality thing. Society and films would have us think women go with their guts. Both do. Also, women fall in love (and lust) at first sight as well. They are as inperfect as men. And anyone can fall in love with someone based on how said person makes them feel.

  3. EE

    November 23, 2016 at 11:01 am

    1. “Wives are delightful! They literally do everything”: Absurd! wives have maids, children, relations living with them. As the son of a woman, I did literally everything because I was the child. Cliches aren’t cool.

    2. “I heard some men, who are married to women that earn more, go on to foot most bills because… “I’m a man; I’m the head of the family.” Genius!”: Ahh, sarcasm, hilarious, until you realise across the board all men statistically die earlier. When the man croaks first, she’ll be glad she has extra cash, as eventually will their children. Caring, manly one might say.

    3. “Patriarchy, via gender socialisation, has cast men as weak, almost invalid,”: ?????????Have you by any chance considered comedy. You think men can’t do without cooking??? that we can’t cook?? Dude.

    4. How can you can both want somebody “in charge” and also equal??? The logical progression is poor, equality denotes an absence of authority, “in charge” does the exact opposite.

    5. *Sigh* You’re misunderstanding the “lack of emotion” cliche. If a brother breaks up with a girl, I offer up a casual, “tons of fish the sea”, and join them for a night out, be his wingman for a jump-off. Life’s too short to “talk about it”. Personally, anger and unbridled lust ain’t my style too, to be fair, I’m probably an oddity, but the most heated up I get these days is irritated. I consider it weakness to let your emotions rule you, what you call suppression I call self-discipline.

    6. Another cliche, my roommate is a moaner, put my headset off once and could hear his bellows from the parlour. Just no, ‘sides the only person that should be “feeling” and “sounding it” is her. Accept our benevolence.

    7. “You need a wife” and you mention video-games and football matches, the leading cause of wahala between husbands and wives, according to the cliche. Make up your mind woman, what do you have friends for if you want the father of your sons to be playing dressup with you.

    8. “Patriarchy also says good hygiene is a sign of homosexuality in men!”: Libel!! when every boy becomes a big boy, we start to value hygiene. Patriarchy does not say that!!

    Its rare to for me to disagree so thoroughly with something, the only redeeming factors here are videogames, football, food and sex. You really need to step out of your bubble, you just might find a man unique enough to penetrate your scruples.

    P.S Dear Feminists, please note she’s sullying feminism’s good name, by reducing it to simplistic nonsense like cooking and sex. Feminism I told is about higher ideals than marriage and the kitchen, about the economic and sexual liberation of wonotman-kind from the strictures of the patriarchy. Yet here we find ourselves dragged back here, when the debate could be much loftier. I expect some sanctions of your sister.

    Sincerely

    A Patriarch.

    But seriously Ms Eze you write sublime satire.

    • Tell me...

      November 23, 2016 at 1:43 pm

      Is this you ElerisEllandril…or whatever that elvish sounding name of yours is. I’ve been wondering where he’s been and you sound a lot like him

    • EE

      November 24, 2016 at 1:28 am

      Shortening it is more convenient no??

    • Cynical

      November 23, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      @EE……. Where did you come from???????. Unbridled lust ain’t your style???? Your roommate is a moaner??? But seriously, a man that moans is considered gay,that’s news to me o…….hmm,maybe I need more sexual experiences???

    • EE

      November 23, 2016 at 3:24 pm

      ???????Don’t blame me, this religion thing dey wan kain. Nah better struggle and yes moaning is a no! no!

      Personal theory on the issue, its how you identify those who masturbated as teenagers. Nobody wants to be screaming their pleasure to a screen, it’d be embarrassing when you wake up the whole house.

    • "changing moniker"

      November 23, 2016 at 5:58 pm

      why is it wrong for guys to moan?

    • Anon

      November 23, 2016 at 3:09 pm

      There you have it. Elessaris Ellendil fun a ra e!

    • envoy

      June 18, 2017 at 9:21 pm

      EE….marry me, please. I am a guy. I am not gay.

  4. john

    November 23, 2016 at 11:27 am

    all I read in this feminist drivel is I i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i, me me me me me me me me me me me, need need need need need need ,want want want want want want ,I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I .ME ME ME ME ME ME ME..I just wish that women who considers themselves feminists should remain single in thier frustrated lives before they transfer thier frustrations into a poor naive dude to enter into a sucide marriage with them. My dear cisi, u dont need a wife or husband whatever, u need a cucumber.

    • Baby gurl

      November 23, 2016 at 11:49 am

      You are an educated illiterate.

    • AceOfSpades

      November 23, 2016 at 4:20 pm

      This lady is a man hater. You don’t read about guy’s that quickly clean up their rooms when their girlfriend is coming. Guys that moan are gay? Chisox!! Nobody can tell me you didn’t just bring this up from your head because I have never heard it.

      Nobody is forcing you to kuku marry. If you don’t want to be all that you listed, don’t marry. It’s not like you will be ‘all that’ but since it’s already have it in your mind that that’s what happens in marriage then don’t marry.

  5. john

    November 23, 2016 at 11:29 am

    all I read in this feminist drivel is I i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i, me me me me me me me me me me me, need need need need need need ,want want want want want want ,I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I .ME ME ME ME ME ME ME..I just wish that women who considers themselves feminists should remain single in thier frustrated lives before they transfer thier frustrations into a poor naive dude to enter into a sucide marriage with them. My dear cisi, u dont need a wife or husband whatever, u need a cucumber..

  6. Flexe

    November 23, 2016 at 11:50 am

    This post made me laugh. Still lol!
    In a wry twist, God made man superior – answer to your first question. Funny post and EE I think I like you…..

    • Cynical

      November 23, 2016 at 2:41 pm

      @Flexe, don’t drag EE with me o, I liked him first…..lol

  7. Fabulous

    November 23, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    Rubbish article.

  8. A Real Nigerian

    November 23, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    My brain has switched off. Someone please explain to me: Is this poorly-written satire or is the article so bad that it comes across as satirical and ridiculous?
    ?????????

    • tunmi

      November 24, 2016 at 1:38 am

      It’s satire, just not fully fleshed.

  9. Big Tee

    November 23, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    Very insightful!…..new ideas popped out…. Not!

  10. Moniker

    November 23, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    Warridis bikonu? From being feminist, you want to be a lesbian. Who hol you? This sheet up there is from a rat. He whole thing no just make sense.

  11. IAMREAL

    November 23, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Times are changing and aint nothing anyone can do about it…patriarchy is becoming a thing of the past with each generation. We can fight it all we want but hey!! its happening right before your eyes. Just like the concept of racial inequality is long dead, gender will naturally follow suit..
    Evidently this is part of the social evolution of the human specie so i suggest people stop complaining and reminiscing the days of our forefathers or calling it “african cultural norms”

    Eventually the specific assignment of gender roles as we see them now, will be non-existent save for giving birth to children (needless to say that even your 50th generation offspring may be born in a lab !!!)

    Dear man console yourself in the fact that you would be long dead by then so lets just all be happy!!. Alternatively you can pray for the world to end before it happens…. but i very much doubt that.

    By a realistic woman that earns 7 figures a month but still wants pocket money “just because” 🙂

  12. Marian

    November 23, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    Lol. I don’t need a wife, my husband got me covered.
    Married guys need to start submitting articles on BN. People that married more than one wife, yall need to write in too. I wanna read something from wife #2 or 3.
    We need another angle on these thing. The feminist side has been well covered.

  13. LemmeRant

    November 23, 2016 at 2:47 pm

    @Marian

    The question is: If Paul Adeyemo submits an article, will they post it.

    • Marian

      November 23, 2016 at 2:58 pm

      They better because i’m tired of the one sided argument. He will need an alias though so people won’t be biased when they read.
      I want to read from a Nigerian stay at home wife/mom/husband/dad too. Not the my husband forced me to quit my job kind o, the this is all i ever wanted and i chose this life ones.

    • Ash

      November 23, 2016 at 9:28 pm

      Is he the only married guy here? ?

  14. Dee

    November 23, 2016 at 3:07 pm

    [email protected] don’t need ovaries to cook.

  15. Olubukola Adekile

    November 23, 2016 at 3:09 pm

    A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform. Sometimes it just takes a little reminder that helps us to realize incredible potential that lies within us. As a woman, you do not only provide the necessary essentials for life, but you also have the power to create life. Without you, the circle would be far from closed.

    We all look up to strong, independent women. But how do we become one ourselves? Its easy to give in to feelings of self-doubt and back down from challenges. But that’s certainly not what being a strong woman is all about.

    “Forget about the fast lane. If you really want to fly, just harness your power to your passion.”-Oprah Winfrey

    “Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country.”
    – Margaret Thatcher

    “A woman is like a tea bag – you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

    “The day will come when men will recognize woman as his peer, not only at the fireside, but in councils of the nation. Then, and not until then, will there be the perfect comradeship, the ideal union between the sexes that shall result in the highest development of the race.” – Susan B.

    “Most people who meet my wife quickly conclude that she is remarkable. They are right about this. She is smart, funny and thoroughly charming. Often, after hearing her speak at some function or working with her on a project, people will approach me and say something to the effect of, you know, I think the world of you, Barack, but your wife, wow!”
    – Barack Obama, The Audacity of Hope.

    “She is everything, everything is her. She is the future. No her, no Nation. You raise your hand against her, you kick your future in the belly. Treat her well and you will see flowing of milk and honey” -Olubukola Adekile Olayemi

    • EE

      November 23, 2016 at 4:35 pm

      “She is everything, everything is her. She is the future. No her, no Nation. You raise your hand against her, you kick your future in the belly. Treat her well and you will see flowing of milk and honey”???????????????? Subarashi…………but

      Oprah never married.

      Margaret Thatcher always cooked for her husband,

      Eleanor Roosevelt stayed with a cheating husband.

      Don’t know much about Susan B.

      Michelle Obama put her promising career on hold for the benefit of her husband’s career. She’s a truly exceptional woman but at this point, if we’re being honest, she’s a house wife.

      Non of the above however lessens the abilities of these women, something Nigerian feminism fails to take into account. They’d be labeled “feminist-lite”.

    • miini

      November 24, 2016 at 2:17 pm

      I don’t even know what Nigerian feminism means. And really, feminism lite is just some people’s or in this case Chimamanda’s opinion. I think the problem of EVERYBODY and most especially non feminists is that they have somehow managed to come up with some twisted connotation of what feminism is and just conclude that wives who make some sort of personal sacrifice for their husbands or those who chose a more ‘mundane’ life cannot be feminists. I think if we just see feminism as what it is, a movement born as a result of a glaring social problem that simply demands that man and women be regarded as equals and the rights of women be seen as human rights then we would stop all this nonsense.

      For pple that like to pull the “if you say you are equal then you must accept the inference that you are the same’ card, I think that’s just a lack of logic really. It is obvious men and women are not the same. For example, that two pple have equal weight in fitness does not mean they are the same. One’s weight may be muscle, the other may be fat and obviously you will be able to tell.

      The issue here is a matter of humanity in the broader sense. Every one’s humanity deserves equal respect. That is what feminism is saying. Do not disrespect me by default coz I’m a woman. Do not cut my clitoris as a baby because you want to help me be chaste. Do not marry me off without giving me the power to decide if that is what i want or not. Do not restrict my drive in life coz I’m gonna end up in the kitchen anyways. Do not label me a cook just coz I’m a woman. Do not not sexualize me, do not treat me as a second class human. Do not take my power to be myself from me just coz I’m a woman. Do not hit me coz I’m a woman. Do take away my HUMAN rights just coz I’m a woman.

      It’s really that simple. All these she sacrificed, she cooked or didn’t; those are just technicalities subject to human interpretation.

  16. Chinma Eke

    November 23, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    Lol, lmao! I should probably get one too.

  17. Idomagirl

    November 23, 2016 at 9:30 pm

    So bored with Nigerian feminism CONSTANTLY being about cooking, cleaning and who does what in a marriage.
    I know Nigerians are obsessed with marriage but c’mon.

  18. tunmi

    November 24, 2016 at 1:39 am

    I believe this article is satire. And I’m taking it as that

  19. Blueblad

    November 24, 2016 at 11:03 am

    This is a brilliant article but only a brilliant mind can perceive it so. The writer is not a feminist and her argument is not for a particular gender neither is she actually saying she wants a wife. She is only saying that she wants a partner that will treat her as she would treat ’em. She favours a relationship with no gender roles..
    Seek and apply wisdom in all you do.

    • Saintemy

      March 30, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      Kudos man/woman…you won the jackpot! I was getting embarrassed.

  20. lily

    November 24, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    I believe where most people miss it is that feminism is about more serious issues than being married and cooking. Issues like the girl child education, genital mutilation, child brides and empowering women to believe they can achieve anything they want. I think with regards to chores in the home, men are expected to be considerate and stop being extremely lazy. I mean you both have 9-5 jobs and you see the chores are killing, there’s nothing wrong in helping throw the clothes in the washing machine, don’t come back from an outing and undress in the living room, then head to the bedroom without taking your clothes along expecting a slave to pick up after you. She is not a slave but your wife! That being said, I know women who want to marry rich and remain full time housewives, at the same time I know those who don’t want that and are forced by their husbands just to have some control over her (this is where feminism comes in) while there are also men who can’t be caught married to a woman who has no job. It’s a matter of choice, preference, understanding and communication. My 50 cents.

  21. miini

    November 24, 2016 at 1:51 pm

    Nna when did he design you this way? Obviously there is no account of such design. Even if he did I’m sure u are an outdated version that needs upgrade. Oya Upgrade that O.S of yours ASAP!

  22. Amused

    November 27, 2016 at 3:07 pm

    See how Nigerian men have taken to their keyboads with puffed out chests, insulted and eager to defend their precious way of life. To arms, my brothers! To arms! Kill them all!

    Y’all crack me up, I swear

    By the way, Ms Eze, I’m getting married next week. My wife(okay, not yet) loved this article. She’s thinking of getting herself a wife as well. As you can imagine, I have no problems with that what so ever!

  23. Ayọ̀mídé

    November 28, 2016 at 10:43 am

    NB : I would be using a lot of smileys… ?

    Nigerians…. The constant struggle to be right. ?
    A lot of you throw around big words, just to disprove the valid points of feminism and end up sounding like intellectual fools ?
    Now let me summarize feminism in a sentence.
    ” Human before man, human before woman”
    Nobody should be held ransom to archaic roles because of their genitals. Heck! Nobody chooses their sex at birth…
    Let’s all pretend like “minor things ” as you all put it have not been the cause of some broken homes and most unhappy marriages.
    Feminism doesn’t castigate any woman who chooses to abandon her career and tend to her family…. Feminism just says, you shouldn’t be forced by your husband/society to take up some roles…. If you’re doing anything, do it because you want to… ?
    Feminism is not just girl child rights, education, etc… It’s also covers things as little as chores in the home, behavioral patterns demanded of you because “genitals”
    Feminism is going outside the box the society has constructed for you even before your conception.

    Feminism says take the bulls by the horn and do you!?

    And to the writer of the article, brilliant dose of satire and sarcasm ???

    And to the custodians of patriarchy, ride on?
    E go be…? ✌✌✌

  24. Catherine O

    November 29, 2016 at 3:01 am

    Loved this! So many butt-hurt men trying to claim that patriarchy is the natural order of things. Lol. Whatever humans decide is the natural order becomes the natural order because they make it so. Remember when the “natural order” had your race at the bottom? Tried to use evolution, religion and science to keep you under? Just like you’re trying to do now? Like it or not the times they are achanging. The more women become economically independent, the less they will tolerate your BS.

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