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Lota Ofodile: Let’s Get Back Together… OR Not

Lota

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dreamstime_m_32348943Breakups are definitely one of the most *interesting* occurrences in relationships, and in life generally. The reasons for these breakups are numerous: cheating, lack of trust, long distance, lack of excitement, it just wasn’t working, he/she just wasn’t my type, etc.

For some people, breakups double as heartbreaks, tearing their entire world apart. For others, it is a breath of fresh air—something they have been waiting for so long to happen, perhaps because they have gotten so tired of the relationship, or fed up with their partner. These are typically the two scenarios that come to mind when we think of breakups, right? The first being when one is on the receiving end, and the latter when you’re the one doing the breaking up.

Getting back together after a break up is one of those things I think one needs to be really careful about – just because if it doesn’t work out the second time around, you are either left with frustration for wasting your time (again), or immense pain. I imagine it will hurt twice as much if you belong in the first category, and was hoping that things would work out this time.

I do not claim to be an expert on relationships, but here are some suggestions I have for anyone who might be reconsidering a past relationship, and looking to try again:

Be sure that you still have feelings for the person in question
Check yourself and your emotions, and make sure that the decision you are about to make is not based on feelings that no longer exist. You know…old feelings that might have faded or disappeared. Focus on your current feelings

Make sure the person feels the same way you do
After you’re sure that you still feel strongly enough about him/her to want to try again, have conversations about what is about to happen. (If you’re having thoughts of getting back together, I imagine both of you have already been talking on some level that gave you the idea in the first place). Do yourself a favor and find out whether or not the person is thinking along the same lines, or at least still has feelings for you, so you don’t bring up the topic of getting back together, and the person is like “Hol’up! That’s not what this is o” OR “Sorry but no now…”

Address the issues that caused the breakup in the first place
This is pretty straightforward, and just common-sensey right? But you’d be surprised how many of us somehow leave this out of the equation when reentering relationships. One reason for this is I think, is a long duration following the breakup, which leads to one or both parties forgetting/neglecting the reason(s) they broke up in the first place. Please endeavor to revisit ALL of the issues that led to the initial breakup—the frustrations and complaints, abuse if any, etc., talk about them, and make sure that they no longer exist OR if they do, that you are okay with them or at least (both) willing to do something to fix them

Make sure he/she is the same person
Usually, a considerable amount of time passes after breakups before people realize that they want to get back together (usually, not always). And in that time, so much could happen. Life happens. Things change. People change (most likely the girl, because there’s the belief that women’s personality are more fluid than men’s). Anyway, take your time to access the person’s personality to be sure that he/she is the same person you remember being in love with, OR if they have changed, that you’re comfortable with the person they’ve become. This way, certain things they say or do not *pleasantly* surprise you, and you’re wondering who this new person is

Let the decision be yours and yours alone
Obviously, it involves both of you because you’re not going to date yourself. But just be sure that no one is forcing you, convincing you, pressuring you, or worse, manipulating you into getting back into said relationship. Don’t let anyone (family, friend, bad belle, or even the ex in question) somehow coerce you into the decision.

Granted, if you are close to some of these people, they might be aware of how you’re feeling and what you might be thinking, so they might even have been the ones to ‘plant’ the idea in your head in the first place. But make sure you have thought about it thoroughly, done whatever assessments and self-checks you deem necessary, and prayed about it if that’s something you do. Ultimately, just be sure that the final decision to get back together is yours, and both of you are on the same page.

It can be tough, but it is what it is. This might not be all there is to consider, but it’s a start. I hope it was helpful. Share this with someone you think might need it.

Photo Credit: Andres Rodriguez | Dreamstime.com

Hi I'm Lota, and I believe that love is the greatest gift of all. I am Nigerian, and my family and friends mean the world to me. I enjoy having great conversations and listening to people's opinions. I am a Nollywood connoisseur of sorts, and a lover of God, food, and everything pink! Writing helps me relax and process my thoughts. Professionally, I am in pursuit of a career that merges my passion for healthcare and entertainment media. Visit my blog at Lota Relates. Watch my vlogs here.

18 Comments

    • Darius

      November 28, 2016 at 7:26 pm

      Ask Toke? If you say Makinwa na you sabi.

  1. Darius

    November 28, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    I concur!

  2. anonymous

    November 28, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    You know what i mean na.We’ve all heard her life story and her love/heartbreaking journey with Maje. They break up and whenever he wants(probably because he wants to sleep with her), he calls her and tell her alk she wants to hear and bam!!!! They are back together again. We have all seen the end result. Thats another reason why premarital sex is bad. Because it makes it even harder to let go, especially if that person is good in bed.

  3. Buchi

    November 28, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    Great well balanced advice. It’s rarely ever a good idea to go back to an ex. But if you do, you need to be doubly sure the second time around

  4. Darius

    November 28, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    I totally agree. Prmarital sex is just plain wrong. Most BN followers won’t subscribe to this view sha. They are too liberal. Sometimes I wonder if they are Nigerians. The fabric of society is broken. The era of waiting till the wedding night to get the cookie is over. It’s saddening!

    • TeeS

      November 28, 2016 at 8:35 pm

      And what BN followers said premarital sex is okay. Truth is we are guilty of doing something that’s not worthy in Gods eye. So while we condemn premarital sex, let’s also condemn adultery, lies, bullying, jealousy , stealing and many things.
      My problem with Nigerians is y’all pick one part of the Bible to agree with and forget the other parts. Yimu.
      I’m a full blown sinner by the way.
      Trying to get it right too

    • Anon

      November 28, 2016 at 11:11 pm

      We don’t necessarily agree with it. What we don’t like is adulterous goats, corrupt politicians and closet homosexuals who bully their nannies and marry children… discriminating against those who have premarital sex or are gay. Last time i checked, judging is a sin and you won’t go to heaven for blasting bobrisky and people who have premarital sex. Nigerians LOVE being bigots and using religion as an excuse As if your own sins aren’t as bad

  5. Aish

    November 28, 2016 at 9:06 pm

    I did get back with an ex tho he broke up with me d 1st time but when we got back 2geda, I realised d flame is not dr anymore. It’s better to think it tru n be sure b4 getting back

  6. amakus

    November 29, 2016 at 2:23 am

    broke up with my ex (we’ve dated in high school, dated last 3 years in uni, ) last year because I was leaving the country.. i didn’t want long distance because honestly we cant afford to fly in and out….and our struggle life was a bit much at the time lol . i had a crappy job and was studying for gmat. he had a crappy job at the time..we were just both frustrated (we are both 25 & 26 now)..i think he handled it well.. i didn’t.. and i didnt want long distance to be part of the stress in my life. we just remained friends.. who spoke once in a while (like friends do)..
    uncle says he truly wants us to make it work, uncle is a calm , collected, peaceful person.. no wahala.. to be honest, i think i also got bored in the relationship because i’ve only seriously dated 1 person (uncle).. i wanted to know what was outside smh. and i actually thought it made no sense to continue dating because I was leaving home and wasn’t sure I was returning anytime soon.
    Grad school is over and I am heading back home while uncle starts his mba,(we will be in the same city) like i said he wants us to make it work and he’s happy i will be returning next year. I cant wait to see him too as I do miss him alot, my parents are rooting for us as they think he’s a nice gentle man. but sometimes i ask myself if this is who i want ,. will i want to take a break from him ? he’s so good to me, is that why i take him for granted sometimes?..i know he’s not seriously dating atm, if i let him go permanently or he gets in a relationship will it hurt me ? my twin brother thinks I’m a joke and has told me to take a break and date myself for 2 years.. idk what he means by that :/

    • Yetty

      November 29, 2016 at 8:02 am

      3years down the line…u might realise this is all what you need in a man…you need him to be good to you and love u and want you more than u do to him….Dont be like me…theres no saint out there…he already sounds like a grounded person…

    • DAME

      November 29, 2016 at 9:41 am

      Dont be me….this was my story only that i was too ashamed to make it work even when he still wanted us and still wants us….kissed too many frogs after him and still no prince insight.

      Forget that he seems boring because you think there are better options…boring would stay right beside you when mr exciting is chasing every skirt insight, boring would take care of you in sickness and health when mr exciting cannot be bothered and is angry you are always sick as this is dulling his movement,
      Boring always works out babe because in the end..,by your side is where he would eb and you would both flourish and eventually get exciting for eachother.

    • "changing moniker"

      November 29, 2016 at 3:07 pm

      you love him babe…
      Excitement is fickle .it’s there today, it’s not tomorrow.
      My own is that I am ready to marry my “boring” boyfriend next year but bobo is looking for money and is saying 2018…..
      it’s driving me crazy

  7. anonymous

    November 29, 2016 at 6:33 am

    @TeeS, you are right about that. I just stated that in relevance to the topic at hand. The bible says that we have all sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. So no one is saying they are perfect here, but in respect of the topic of discussion, when sex is involved in a relationship, it makes it harder to let go. The same God who made us and knows us says to “flee” sexual immorality. Its because he knows what it can do to you. He knows you better than you know you. I mean look at our society today. A very beauiful,vibrant,intelligent young lady being maltreated by one “akporoko” guy, all because of sex. And we want so much more and want to be treated like the princesses that we truly are. The disadvantages of premarital sex is too much and its effects spreads to other areas of your life to. We should turn to the only one we are very sure loves us without reserve and wants the best for us. Jesus is the answer to the things we are all looking for.

    • OkayOh

      November 29, 2016 at 9:57 am

      We have heard. But still, no one here has said premarital sex is good… I really do not know the reason for this long epistle. Pele

  8. Yetty

    November 29, 2016 at 7:59 am

    I did get back with my ex and he is now my husband and father of my kids…sometimes we need to break up to find ourselves…to appreciate what we have…the grass is not greener on the otherside…Sometimes it is not such a bad thing

  9. Chic

    November 29, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    To each his own. What works for A may not work for B, & vice versa. Life’s all about our different experiences.

  10. Anonymous

    December 3, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    Abegii!!! Who told you premarital sex is not good? Make una no come here dey spoil market for boys o.

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