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#BN2016Epilogues: Liberated from Fear, Self-Hate & Low Self Esteem! M. is Ready to Soar

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It’s that time of the year when members of the BellaNaija community come together to bond over shared experiences in the last 12 months. As with the previous editions of this series, we put out a call for you to send us your stories. {Click here if you missed it} To catch up on the first few stories this year, click HERE.

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Yay!!! It’s a few days to the end of 2016 and all I can say is this has been the best year of my life. This year God set me free from the shackles of fear, depression, insomnia, obstinacy, absent-mindedness, self-hate and other issues that held me bound for most of my life. This year I let go of my past and experienced God’s love like never before.
Overcoming fear
For many years, I was afraid of failure, poverty , the unknown and mankind (I constantly worried about what people thought of me). For a better part of the first 6 months of 2016, my heart would beat fast for days, my chest would be tight and I would fill knots in my stomach. It seemed like the more I wanted to be free, the more palpable fear was. After loosing significant opportunities (including jobs) as a result of fear, I begged God to set me free. His reply was that I needed to surrender my life to him completely. I did after so much hesitation. I began to daily recite scriptures that had to with overcoming fear. As I write this, I’m no longer a slave of fear. I’m now confident in God.

Overcoming low self esteem and self hate
This year I cried out to God to wrap his arms around me and let me know his love and joy. Growing up my father was never really there for me and my mum suffered from bipolar disorder. This contributed to my low self-esteem issues and inability to see myself as worthy of love. I also never saw my God given strengths, instead I focused more on my weaknesses. Thankfully, I now love myself and see myself through God’s eyes.

Gratitude
I’m thankful for meeting Dr Jumoke Oduwole and knowing Miss Serah Makka, two women who inspire me and are God sent. I can’t talk about overcoming fear and depression without mentioning their names. I’m thankful for the relationship I now have with my mum (before 2016, the relationship between us was almost non-existent) . I thank God for granting her good health this year. I’m thankful for friends and family. I thank God for miraculously providing a job after 8 months of joblessness. I was at the library one day when I asked God to please make a way as I didn’t know how else to search for a job. As soon as I said that prayer, a woman I had met while volunteering at an event called and asked if I was interested in working with her. I said yes and I have not regretted the decision since then.

Lessons learnt
This year learnt to trust God more and not be so hard on myself. I learnt to show empathy to others and judge less. I learnt to let go and let God. I learnt to forgive those who hurt me in the past. This year I forgave my father on father’s day (after reading Pastor Tony Rapu’s letter to his daughters.) This year I learnt that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak. This year I learnt that love is Christ sent by God to shine on those living in darkness and in the valley of the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace. This year Christ, God’s promise to mankind found me and wrapped me in his arms.

Song of the year: Broken vessels
All these pieces, broken and scattered, in mercy gathered, mended and whole; Empty handed, but not forsaken, I have been set free, I have been set free.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I was once lost but now I’m found; was blind but now I see. Oh I can see the love in your eyes Laying yourself down, raising up the broken to life.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

4 Comments

  1. Olanna&Odenigbo

    December 20, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    Hmm….2016…. I cant even describe it in one word… or maybe ‘stretching’ might work…. the kind that stretches you out of everything you think you know and understand,…to the point of surrender cos you just are so exhausted from trying to make sense of anything..

    I’m talking bout receiving multiple shots from ALL sides work, faith, business, relationship, home, society, everything at the same damn time…. … this year I saw different sides of myself…. saw myself weak and pain stricken like I haven’t in years…. but what I also saw was grit and hope/belief in my future like i didnt know I had before…and I had to fight my mind like never before…. and yeah with all that comes the release of fear and many other hangups….

    I am still a work in progress and I don’t take how far I’ve come for granted, neither am I in a hurry now to be totally clear…healing and growing one day at a time….but I know it’s harder for many things to shake me no… Not cos I’m not afraid/doubtful/hopeful or whatever, but cos even fear will not end me… we will cry and laugh, crawl/walk/run…no matter the emotion….fear or belief, shame or boldness, Grace or disgrace, rich or broke, happy or sad…. We shall overcome by his rod and staff to meet the purpose of our creation…. this is the shortest summary I can give without writing a book in this comment box.

    When your prayer of the year has been “…though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death….” you know say na serious matter.

    Have yourself a merry Christmas. I am beyond thankful I will see it with my family in Jesus name Amen.

    Cheers.

  2. Tootsie

    December 20, 2016 at 5:07 pm

    This has definitely been a challenging year, but I thank God nevertheles. Don’t feel like tying biko.

  3. Jay

    December 22, 2016 at 3:05 am

    I can relate to this post on so many levels, it’s unbelievable. I have a similar story and I couldn’t have written it better myself. Still a work in progress though, but definitely getting there 2017!

  4. Misstee

    December 25, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    I really love this epilogue. The writer surely has found the solid rock which is Christ and has overcome a lot. When God comes nothing else matters. Amen

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