Just as so many other Nigerians did, I read the famous “On Becoming” by Toke Makinwa – the week it came out and certainly followed the juicy comments online. To be honest, I had no intention of sharing my opinion or even writing any article on the matter (as I do not like to write on trending topics) but then, a comment I saw on a popular blog yesterday got me immediately screaming: “What the hell?” and I just had to get on my computer. The comment stated that the whole incident with Toke and her ex-husband, Maje, only proved one thing: Maje always only truly loved Anita which is why she (Anita) won the fight in the end.
Firstly, I hope she (Anita) did not get a sense of triumph reading that comment. The thing is, most people tend to use the word “fighting” in a way that taints its meaning.
“Fighting” for a man does not mean the same thing as “competing” for a man. There is a huge difference. When you meet someone who has clearly chosen to be with you as he has defined your relationship and committed himself to you alone, you “fight” for each other and take actions to keep the relationship alive and well … meaning… there is the effort being put in on both sides. There is no imbalance whatsoever in the amount of love given or received and in all truth, this is necessary for every relationship. “Competing” (which is what most people mean when they say “fighting”) on the other hand, means there is a triangle and an extra body or thing -possibly another girl, his job or even his family- is involved. Something is between the two of you and you constantly feel like you need a huge neon sign to remind the brother that you exist.
Basically, any man who puts you in a position where you feel like you have to compete for his love, attention, and respect does NOT love you…at all. If he did, he would actually care about you and there would be no room for anyone else to interfere in your relationship. He maintains the consciousness that he wants you, so, he chooses you from the start. Not only that, he commits to you and clearly shows that he does not want anyone else.
In the case where there is a love triangle and two women find they have to hustle for an “uncle”, they are no longer fighting for love; they are merely competing for him. Each woman hopes to stick around long enough for him to acknowledge her as his woman with the belief that that would scare the other women off and they would be the last one standing. Unfortunately, the truth is, if the man in middle loved or even valued any of them at all, there would be no triangle in the first place. As they fight against each other, he merely sits back and enjoys the battle for his attention as he does not really care how both parties are truly affected. His satisfaction is from knowing that no matter how things turn out; he still gets to have someone on his arm to give him the benefits he desires.
I believe the hard truth is simple: fighting over a man is a losing battle for every woman involved. And even the one that eventually gets him, has not won in any way. The that fact that you have to compete in the first place shows you are not originally valued or genuinely loved. It is not for the woman to have to fight that battle. If a man loves you, he would not put you in a position where you have to hustle for him. He puts down his feet because he does not want the woman he truly loves to have to deal with or be hurt in any way by such nonsense. What do you think? Am I being too rigid with my opinion?