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Uru Eke: Look After Your Body, Mind & Soul

Uru Eke

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Why do some of ladies seek validation everywhere else other than within ourselves? Why do you need someone to tell you, you’re good enough, you’re beautiful, smart or worthy. If you don’t begin to tell yourself these things, no one else will.

Some women complain that their partners/husbands don’t love them anymore; he doesn’t show affection, he doesn’t say she’s beautiful; he’s cheating. Some women say that they have done various things to change themselves so they can be more desirable.

Before one of my friends got married, in the looks department she was a 9/10. I used to tell her that if I had the figure she had, or her legs, I would cause major problems in the world. Now, she marries this man and the next time I see her, it felt like I was looking at a totally different person. She had put on a lot of weight, and was on anti-depressants. Nothing I said to her mattered or made any sense.

I don’t know if it’s the institution of marriage that does this to people or the partner you marry, as it just seemed like I was dealing with a total zombie. The man she married used to spread rose petals on the floor she walked on, but now he couldn’t stand her. He would beat her, and verbally abuse her. On top of that, they had to move out of town – because of his work. She couldn’t get a job out there because it was in a desolate part of town. The anti-depressants contributed to her weight gain and mood swings, so of course the downward spiral of her mental state was inevitable.

I made it a project to help her out of her depression, but who was I fooling? The fight was hers not mine. The drivers of the ability to begin her healing lay in her hands and her hands only. She needed to work on her mind, take charge of her body and get back to where she used to be.

Your happiness lies in your hands, your beauty, your confidence your outlook and zest for life is all on you. If you’ve gained a few pounds, start working out. If you lack motivation join a boot camp or enlist a buddy to work out with.

If you have the money, get liposuction, have a facelift, Brazilian butt lift – do whatever you can that makes you happy period. Just never wait for anyone to validate you, if you do, you’re always going to need to be reassured, you’re always going to need to be encouraged.

Make yourself a priority, nurture a relationship with yourself and start small challenges with a goal to build up the momentum you need for a bigger change. Sometimes, we trust other people more than ourselves, accepting another person’s opinions and views as more valid than our own.
Somehow, we think they know what’s better for us than we do – or we’ve been told that so often, that we’ve come to believe it.

When someone you count on for support refuses to acknowledge your positive qualities and abilities, it can undermine your self-esteem and confidence, thereby keeping a person needy and dependant.

You must assume responsibility for the circumstances in which you find yourself if you wish to change them. If your mind is suffering, it will have a knock-on effect on everything around you. Many events in life happen to us, which we have no control of, but our only control is our response to life’s situations.

Having said that ladies, let this year be a year of YOU taking charge of YOU and looking after YOU.

16 Comments

  1. Californiabawlar

    January 12, 2017 at 5:21 pm

    I’ll come back to read. But Uru Eke, it’s like I like you ganni o! You crossed my mind a lot lately (as recent as yesterday) …why haven’t you been on screen? Hope all is well and you’re still cashing in. All the best ?

    If I’m wrong and she’s been in anything recently can someone please drop the title? Thanks!

  2. mpd

    January 12, 2017 at 5:36 pm

    Uru Eke this piece left me in tears, you know why? Because I totally place no value on myself. What should I value myself for? I dont come from a rich home, in fact my family is quite poor. I have an almost flat chest, I am not fair, I’m dark in some places and fairer in others that sometimes I wonder if I’m a reptile. I used to value myself based on my decency but now I’m dating a married man(he is Muslim) so I deceive myself that its not bad atleast he can marry more than 1 wife. But inner me knows he may not, why would he when he can’t let go of his previous relationship with a girl who is a year younger than me(23). My only past relationship of 5 years ended last year. I don’t seem to attract better made men.
    How can I value myself in this state? What is there to value?
    I’m considering starting ACCA. I earn 105k a month and wonder if that is enough to carry me through. I want to do something so bad that would make me value me. I seek validation from others, they know this so they treat me anyhow after awhile.
    I cant sleep again. I have pains that have become physical. I stress my mind. I’m older than my 24years.

    How do I value myself? Not in the love of God cos I’ve committed and still committing sins.
    Who do I talk to? How do people value themselves?

    • Miss Pee

      January 12, 2017 at 10:21 pm

      Hello dear, the first step in retracing your steps is Acknowledgment. It’s sweet to know that you’ve acknowledged that what you’re doing is bad. The next step is to try and avoid anything contrary to your happiness. I think Like Alder has some professional psychologist you can book a Free section, you can check on his relationship website for further help. I hope this helps. Remain blest!

    • Me to You

      January 12, 2017 at 10:30 pm

      Goodness, your story is heart breaking @MPD. I am no therapist but i will like to offer you some advice please:
      1) Drop that married man, he is not good for you, you deserve better + that relationship is contributing to your feeling of worthlessness..
      2) Look into getting a good moisturizer asap. Some people advise sunscreen, i don’t use one but my simple moisturizing habits has given my skin a glow that i love. You see in 2012, i suffered a severe case of chicken pox and thought that was the end for my skin. The spots were from head to toe and i have a skin that doesn’t forgive – scars easily. I tried everything then i just stopped and decided to just care for my skin. I moisturize twice immediately after every bath, which is twice a day. Don’t dry off the water from your bath, just pat down with a towel. Your moisturizer then has water to seal in. I use St ives Mineral Therapy lotion and i mix this with locally made coconut oil and some olive oil. I use it all over my body, although recently not on my face. Do you use a sponge when you bath? You should, i use those glove sponges. I try to exfoliate with sugar every other week, but i am not consistent. Anyways, these simple practices has restored my skin! Some of the chicken pox scars are still there but mostly lighter shade, closer to my brown skin tone My bum is a least a shade darker than the rest of my body, but that is typical for Black women and nothing to be ashamed of!
      3) I am small breasted, and you know what? i love it them girls. Do you have a full length mirror in your house? you should get one. Probably really vain of me, but sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and i say ‘you hot girl’ and i mean it, becos i am. My small boobs completely perfect my build, and i am sure its same for you too, but you gotta look. Do you work out, you should especially if your belly isn’t flat. The secret to slaying with small boobs is a flat tummy. And dress for your body type! Do you know there are actually clothes that look best on small breasted women? Thats right. And also accentuate your other attractive sides, like legs, or well toned arms, or bum – we all got something :).
      4) Believe me, God is not vindictive as we perceive him to be. He has his arm wide open to you, in fact he has had them that way all this time. You don’t have to do anything to have him wrap them around you, all you have to do is walk into them. He does not keep account of our wrongs. So whatever religion you belong to, go on, get back on it and consider yourself loved, forgiven, accepted.
      5) Register for that ACA, so long as you have the money now, and gradually move towards your goal. Aim higher girl! There are also free courses online you can take. I just finished Introduction to Public Speaking on Coursera.org.
      6) Talk to yourself. Do you know we actually hear ourselves, speak positive words to YOU.
      7)Make friends, go out, meet people (this is also for me as i have to do more in this department) and generally enjoy life! You are still young, just 24, getting tied to a man should be the least of your worries now. Sometimes, get yourself nice things, clothes, shoes, perfumes, things to make you look and feel good. And play with makeup. I am not really big with it but i try everyday to look great when i go to work. When you look good, you fell good.

    • mpd

      January 13, 2017 at 3:26 pm

      @Me to You,. you may not know what you’ve done for a stranger out there. Your comment was just what my soul needed to snap back. I felt better after reading your comment last night because I now know what to do and I’ve made my decision, I will keep revisiting if I feel my resolve weakening. Thank you. I will also begin the ACCA by the next diet.
      Thanks to all the wonderful ladies on BN.
      Thanks BN.

    • Lily

      January 13, 2017 at 12:17 am

      Mpd please try to love yourself. Yes it can’t be taught but you can earn with prayer and gradually it’ll be better . It may sound a cliche but try and pray about it. You have to say it in your head and wake up and say OK that’s enough, no more. No human being ( ie man) can give u self esteem. Pray ok

    • Anon

      January 13, 2017 at 12:44 pm

      Hello mpd. I have the same insecurities as you do although am fair. Trust me everyone says am damn pretty but i don’t see it. my four years relationship ended some time ago and deep within, i know my insecurities attributed to it. Am currently learning to love myself each day and trust in God..it isn’t easy especially when depression starts to set in on some occasions but you’d pull through. I would really love to meet you if i can.

  3. Osas number 1 fan

    January 12, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    pls this article is for Osas Ighodaro. that fineee babe let herself go after she got married. i hope she is good tho. she used to be so on point…

  4. Speed

    January 12, 2017 at 8:54 pm

    Yes o. Taking charge of my body,soul and mind. Excellent write up dear.

  5. funmilola

    January 12, 2017 at 10:57 pm

    you just concluded the whole matter,make sure you read and follow these guidelines @mpd….take a step at a time too.
    I fell and grew in love with myself(height,complexion,hair and all) when I read in my Bible that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made and I ensure it stays like that by taking good care of me.what can beat that?

  6. Athenia

    January 12, 2017 at 11:38 pm

    Through out most part of my tech life I used the amount of attention gotten from social media as a form of validation and acceptance of myself.If I didn’t get the rush I desired then I automatically felt undesired and less confident.
    Many young ladies have at one point in their fleeting lives allowed the vanity of external validation affect their lives and self esteem to the point where they lose their morals and do all sorts of crazy things to get attention.
    Make a decision to not guage the attention gotten from “the external ” to measure how great,beautiful,talented and worthy of admiration you are.You should know that regardless of the numerous clicks here and there you are you and you is beautiful.

  7. Juliette

    January 13, 2017 at 12:03 am

    The type of woman I have grown up to be in past 7yrs based on what a few men have put me through, I am glad I went through this bullshit because it has made me tougher never to allow disrespect because it goes from emotional, verbal then graduates to physical. I’d rather die single than to be with someone who will take away my happiness. I don’t care if kids are involved. I will walk away.

    I have learnt so much not deal with bullshit. I quiver when I look back and think of all the nonsense I put up with back in the day.

    A man can make your self esteem go from 100 to zero. IF YOU LET HIM.

    NEVER EVER EVER. TUFIAKWA TO THE MILLIONTH POWER

    • nnemummy

      January 13, 2017 at 8:01 am

      I Totally believe you. my ever first relationship happened at 25 to a guy who i thought was a christian. 8 years later and i am still paying the price. I never slept with him but it killed my self esteem and i desire to be married now but the type of guys coming my way treat me like shit. I need a miracle this year. Still a virgin, love God but i am too emotional from the heart aches i have had over the years and Yes! i love God so much. he is the only reason why life still makes some sense.

  8. Lily

    January 13, 2017 at 12:12 am

    CAN SELF ESTEEM BE TAUGHT

    I’ve had this discussion with friends. I personally don’t think it can. I just think it depends on your upbringing. Either you have it or you don’t.

    Gabrielle Sidibe as huge as she is was born with confidence. Toke Makinwa on the other hand can hide behind all that makeup and loubie shoes and long Brazilian haies, her millions of naira still can’t buy her self esteem.

    Either you got it or you don’t

  9. tinuola

    January 13, 2017 at 8:34 am

    Self-esteem is a decision,when u give a man the power to run u down,he will but d moment u decide to love ur self first,u create a bridge his nt allowed to cross he can feel it too,but it all starts with self love

  10. Vida

    January 13, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    I love this article a lot because it relates to me.
    As at last year, I was writing to relationship blogs seeking like advice like @mpd…..

    But one thing in all they said was that….It all boils down to how I see my self…
    I decided to loose excess weight first after giving up.
    I took time to reflect and I learnt a lot, first exercise wont make me loose the weight…but plus healthy feeding…now am a size 10 all the way from 14….
    I feel lighter, look prettier, and no more depression and hating my body. Healthy living is a lifestyle now not a crash diet, am more attractive , stretch marks went with the fat.. am SOOOO HAPPY.

    Secondly, I rededicated my life to Christ, and I have a new reason to live.
    My joy is in the Lord, am beautifully and wonderfully made….of course am complete in Him.

    Though I earn half of what @mpd earns, am managing the job while trusting God for a new one within 6mths as I have positively declared. I also intend taking a masters form this year, seriously saving 25k from my 60k salary no matter what it costs me.

    So my dear…. Life cant change if we don’t change how we see it. …A lot lies within you….you just need to realise who you are….

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