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Fanya South: Monogamy – Woman’s Curse, Man’s Privilege

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Monogamy. The term believed should be exclusively applied to the female and never to the male specie of the human race.

A term by which a married woman is so tightly bound, that it becomes a sacrilege for the thought of cheating to cross her mind. A term which a woman is also expected to ignore when it relates to the man.  She is expected to close her ears and ears to its non-existence, and pray for its reappearance.

It is also said that it is not always the man’s fault that he cheats. The single women won’t just leave them alone. How can we fault them; after all, a man is only human. He can only resist for so long before he falls prey.  That’s why we need to pray really really hard, so that the women are blinded to our men.

But the married woman is never assumed to be at risk of cheating, or even chased by any man.  She is married, no longer single and available She now belongs to a man and no other dares come close. She is tied down by children and house business and will be too busy to even look at another man. Between market, school runs, work and church, where will the man see her to even chase her. Does she even have the time to stand and talk?

Alas, I must reveal to you men that for a lot of us married women, we have to dodge the male bullets almost daily. I won’t speak for others, but I know that for most married women, the deep love and respect for her husband and children (if any) and frankly her own sanity is the only thing that keeps her grounded. Not because of the rule of monogamy.

Because for some men, a woman’s wedding ring is not a deterrent, but an incentive. It’s almost like a moth to a flame syndrome; the man sees this Mrs. and simply just has to try his luck to see if this one too will succumb. Like my former neighbor says “some men no dey like find their own meat or chop the one dem get. Na the one wey another person don catch, keep for house, na dat one dem go wan collect”

Maybe I should blame us, the married women.  Maybe we are the ones tempting these men chasing us. Have you seen us, the wives and mothers of nowadays? We dey pepper them die.  Fitfam activists, Waist trainer enthusiasts, Gym Junkies, Makeup and hair slayers.  Long gone are the days of the dowdy wife and mother. Women are now more empowered, take care of their skin and bodies and are looking better than ever.

A woman can endure the occasional admiring look, the singular respectful compliment or the forced side hug she has to give at the last minute. But how many does she endure before she realizes that boundaries are being breached.

How he insists he does not give women handshakes, but would rather hug you too close and too long. How he inserts as much sexual innuendos as he can into every conversation he has with you just so you know the way he feels, to see your reaction, to know if he should proceed or back off.  How he pays you one too many compliments daily and tries to walk you to lunch or to your car as often as he can. The prolonged glances, the lunch orders, the list goes on.

How he gets your number from a friend (guys support each other) and calls or sends “wetin dey bring this kain leg?” messages. Yes he knows you are married, but all’s fair in love and war abi?

Maybe the woman is reading too much meaning into his nice gestures. Some men are actually just nice and gentlemanly. But as most women know, we can usually tell when a man is interested.

It’s even worse in an office environment. Let’s not forget that it doesn’t take very much for talk to spread in the office. Office gossip is like wildfire; people are bored with work monotony and looking for what to talk about. Just one too many innocent hours spent at your table chatting, or one too many innocent walks together to the car park or to lunch and the woman’s image is tarnished, while the man is seen as a correct guy.

Psst… She is not safe from her husband’s friends either.  They will try their luck.

At first, especially for the newly married, She doesn’t quite know how to handle the situation. The man doesn’t come out to say the obvious words so how does she even begin to deal with it.

At first, she handles it by being nice and courteous, mostly because she is flattered by the fresh and unexpected attention and compliments (that some husbands are stingy with).  Then she begins to worry as the man gets encouraged and bolder, driven by her smiles. He decides to go a bit further. Compliments turn into innuendos; handshakes linger and turn into hugs. The looks get longer and more lingering. She begins to avoid him, ignore his messages or calls and turn sentences into curt words. She sends the message across subtly and the man backs away. Some men still continue even with the subtle message given by the woman, but that one is a demon from the pit of hell and deserves every insult that she may eventually give to him.

This Mrs. doesn’t know if she should tell her husband. She eventually does, and he harasses her for not seeing the guy’s intentions from the start, for subconsciously encouraging the man and for not cussing the man out immediately. She tells him how she handled it and her husband is proud..that he has a virtuous woman.

For some other women, starving of the husband’s affection, maybe naivety, or simply because she wants to, she could also continue the game..to see how far it could go. At this point, her husband needs to start praying to God really really hard. That his wife doesn’t succumb to the scavenging men. He needs to go the extra mile and work harder. Pay her more compliments, buy her more stuff, and draw her back to his bedside.

Monogamy should apply to both spouses, irrespective of gender.  I believe that the simple fact of a mutual deep respect, love and the thought of causing pain to the one you love so much, should be enough.

Photo Credit: Isaiahlove | Dreamstime.com

15 Comments

  1. john

    March 4, 2017 at 6:03 pm

    and yet nigerian married women are known as the highest cheaters in the world .. voted No 1 in the world…pls, give me a break and stop deceiving una selfs

    • Hmmm

      March 4, 2017 at 8:21 pm

      Sorry o

  2. john

    March 4, 2017 at 6:06 pm

    I bet the writer of this article is cheating on her husband

    • Hmmm

      March 4, 2017 at 8:33 pm

      You must not experience something to talk about it. She’s a woman and most women have been on the receiving end of cheating. She simply used common sense to give an alternative perspective of how women often exercise self control out of respect to their spouse to avoid hurting loved ones. It is a daily choice a person makes because there will be countless advances. If I was Queen TRUMP, the punishment for a man cheating more than once is castration because those genes should not be spread to ruin future generations of men and women. For a woman, the punishment would be mental/emotional therapy because there is usually a reason behind the cheating. Lwkmd!

    • John

      March 5, 2017 at 3:08 am

      the punishment for a man cheating more than once is castration because those genes should not be spread to ruin future generations of men and women. For a woman, the punishment would be mental/emotional therapy because there is usually a reason behind the cheating. Lwkmd!?……………so when a woman cheats , there is a reason?….u sound idiotic and one of the reason women are considered hypocrites and lack logic , who shouldnt be taken serious, u just trolled yourself

    • Fanya South

      March 6, 2017 at 9:02 am

      I knew these kind of comments would show up. This is just an article from a woman’s point of view to show that women also get tempted but we are able to exercise self restraint not to cheat. Why can’t men do the same? The writer of this article is not cheating on her husband.. Actually, her husband endorses this article.

  3. jennietobbie

    March 4, 2017 at 6:47 pm

    Thank you for craftily writing this article. I enjoyed this!!!! Whew!!! Truth be told…

  4. Chief

    March 4, 2017 at 7:35 pm

    Monogamy shouldn’t be applied to both spouses because Societies and religion imposed it as a standard for men..It’s socially imposed.High level of hormone(Testosterone) makes it hard to limit our di*****k to one woman even our fathers were an affair men,growing up.Of course men do lose their sexual interest in their women when they get into a long term relationship/marriage but that doesn’t mean that a man no longer gets attracted to his woman but it’s just the fact that lack of novelty lowers male libido and reduces sexual desire.Men were polygamous throughout history,men just become monogamous in the recent era due to social pressure and other factors.Male libido drops when he commits to one woman.

    But are men meant to be monogamous? Are men hardwired to just be with one person at a time? men’s did not evolve to be sexually monogamous species which is evident by the fact that we rarely only have one sexual partner for our life.Men are inclined to seek multiple sexual partners for variety of biological reasons.Diversity is good for men’s nature.Most studies suggest that lustful tendencies including spontaneous sexual thoughts,uncontrolled or unwanted thoughts and spontaneous physical arousal are a lot more common in men than in women.Women tend to be less interested in these days after birth.Men are naturally more promiscuous while women are biologically prone to monogamy(hard wired for monogamy)

    Another reason why women are monogamous is that women sex drive are more vulnerable to influence.Do women search for drugs to boost their sex drive? which has proved more elusive.

    BTW i have found out that radical feminists like you seem to harbor a dislike of men,Listen!! who are you to question God the way he created us? Imagine!!It’s biological in the end.No amount of your feminist talk is going to refute some biological condition and nature..

    • Feminist

      March 4, 2017 at 10:52 pm

      I can’t believe stupid men like you still exist. I pity the woman you marry because men like you are the lowest

    • EE

      March 5, 2017 at 8:59 am

      Sir, I often agree with your broadsides against the feminist ideologues here, but on this you’re wrong. By resting your appeal on “natural instincts”, you’re making a mistake. “After all women have natural instincts too”, right???

      My stance on issues like this is simple. We aren’t animals anymore, we’ve evolved. The idea of pursuing our individual pleasures, societal impact be damned is rather short-sighted and stupid in my opinion.

      So, Chief, you are right, men’s sexual impulses are restricted by monogamy, but its nonetheless a sacrifice that must be made in other to have a stable society, it is God’s wish for us to avoid the temptations of the body.

      Conversely, the women here need to quit the bi-polar attitude. Living in a society requires that we all accept restrictions on our freedoms. The only appeal to monogamy in Nigeria is Christian morality, if you want strictly monogamous spouses, then the focus has to be on building a more Christian society. Y’all need to pick a side.

      Otherwise, it’ll keep being the worst of both worlds, Christian strictures without the morality.

      Happy Sunday.?

  5. Hmmm

    March 4, 2017 at 8:21 pm

    See the hatred from the men who posted. Haba. It’s like you both have been cheated on before… it sucks doesnt it? Many of us woman have been there. You are bitter because the writer painted too vivid of a picture of the tables flipped. Anyway good article. if men can learn to be more selfless, attentive,giving (pass the courtship stage), and less self seeking, A LOT of marriages would not end in divorce today. Most marriages of the past lasted years because women of back then were more dependent, chopping abuse (verbal and physical), and kept their mouth shout. God please help today’s generation as that isn’t the case with today’s women…. My dear men, it is time to evolve and get off your high privileged stools. The only absolute truth in this life is change will come!

    • AceOfSpades

      March 5, 2017 at 5:56 pm

      Look I don’t know why the heat is on men this much but married women are equally as guilty of this. Human beings (most especially Nigerians) generally are never satisfied (I don’t want to use the word greedy). A better looking/richer man or woman will come your way and most times they don’t say no.

      Lots of women here that carry this matter on their head are also cheating. Look I just can’t spill names because BN won’t approve but there is a lady that BNers love to praise like anything and she cheated on her husband like anything but she’s the one crying that her ex cheated. You will be shocked if you know her and the person she cheated on him with.

      While you may be right about the dependency of women on men being the reason why some marriages last back then and it doesn’t last much this days is because women are making their own money now, it doesn’t take away the fact that cheating goes both ways. Don’t come here painting men like they are the only guilty ones. A South Western king organized a dinner late last year and you need to see the plenty nollywood actresses there (even married ones) that came to do runs because so many big shots were there. Just because it doesn’t gets spoken of doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen abeg!

      There is no bigger culprit. Just the other day on SDK, there was a post where she told everyone to say what they’ve done in secret or something. That post has about 500 comments, more than 400 admitted cheating. We all know 350 of the 400+ comments were from women and a high % of that 350 are married so what are you talking about???

  6. mtchew

    March 5, 2017 at 2:44 am

    People are there dealing with recession, growth, investment, business, having a better life….. All you girls on BN know is about relationship, cheating and feminism

    Can’t you just give us a break,?

    Phew

  7. Idomagirl

    March 5, 2017 at 4:06 am

    Looks like I’m early.
    I will return tomorrow to read the comments.

  8. Yummychickcummummy

    March 6, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    Lovely article

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