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Unconscious People Do NOT Want Tea! As with Tea & Sex…There’s No Such Thing As Imagined Consent

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As a result of the events of the past 24 hours, it has become imperative to address the issue of consent, and everything that it entails within the ambit of sexual relations. At the Big Brother house in South Africa, this weekend, one of the housemates, Kemen was caught on camera touching another housemate, TBoss, while she was sleeping. The resultant effect of his action led to his swift disqualification, as the organisers and sponsors of the show emphasised on the zero tolerance for such conduct.

What ensued, pursuant to the disqualification, was rather unfortunate, as other housemates castigated TBoss, and blamed her for events that occurred. This was before Big Brother called another housemate, Bisola, into the diary room to show her the video that led to the decision to disqualify and evict Kemen.

What is worrisome, is not just the shaming of the victim, but that even on the outside world, social commentary was loud in its disagreement of the decision of Big Brother. Comments suggesting that TBoss deserved to be touched inappropriately while sleeping, was deeply harrowing – especially where the world is pushing for zero tolerance for sexual assault. Even more troubling was the suggestion that Kemen did not require consent from TBoss since she had hitherto asked for a massage, gone topless in the house, and also shared a bed with the Kemen.

All of these comments make it imperative to continue the awareness on what constitutes assault. Sexual relations between two adults require consent, for it to be permissible, and not illegal. Key words: including consent, and being of age.

The question of what constitutes consent appears to remain blurry for a lot of people, so we have found the following videos to break it down – as visual aid is very vital in education.

Please watch, for clarity – if you’re still unsure of what it means to give or receive consent.

Pay special attention to the information at the 1.20 minute mark

Here’s another video, titled ‘Whistling’ to simplify this issue. (Video by Project Consent)

‘Laughing’

‘Dancing’

As the world prepares to commemorate the International Women’s day on 8th of March, we implore our readers – male and female to stand up for justice and the rights of women. Every day, gender-based violence is perpetuated and encouraged because victims are blamed and shamed into silence.

You don’t have to like a woman to empathise with her – as a victim of assault. An assaulted woman does not have to be your friend, or family member before you show support, empathy, or report to the authorities. If you have been touched inappropriately by a close friend, or family member, please tell someone.

Perpetrators of evil are counting on your silence, and it is for this reason that they continue to act in such a despicable manner. Depravity continues to thrive because of the blatant confidence that there are no consequences.

It is even more painful to see that many women are at the fore-front of victim shaming, and the covering up – especially within the family. There are so many stories of mothers who have refused to acknowledge the efficacy of the claims made by their own children, simply because they are ashamed of the implication. So many young girls are being defiled by ‘uncles’,’brothers’ and ‘fathers’ within the household – under the guise of ‘trying their luck’ on a daily basis. Women who attempt to speak up are shamed for simply being women. Surely, bringing ‘disgrace’ to the family cannot be more important than your daughter being raped in your house.

A lot of social commentary within the last 24 hours has alluded to the fact that a sleeping TBoss could have pushed the perpetrator of the assault away. Some even suggest that she pretended to be asleep. Others inferred that she even welcomed the violation of her body.  This is deeply worrisome, and  brings us back to the issue of laying the blame at the feet of the victim. How does a sleeping person, or an underage person, or a vulnerable person defend themselves in a world where despicable, perverted men are roaming about? How does a woman get justice when the perversion of said men are covered up and encouraged by other women?

How deep rooted is the mindset that it is ever okay to be violated? How does one begin to unpack the rationale behind this tweet below?

This is one person, but she represents millions of people who see nothing wrong with a person being touched, handled against their will.

If you find yourself at any point defending someone who inserts their finger(s) into the vagina of a sleeping woman, then you probably need to re-examine yourself.

As we approach the 8th of March, a day selected to celebrate women, and to openly discuss the issues that affect women across the world, I implore you all to conduct a self-examination into what actions you plan to take, going forward, to rid the world of incidences of sexual assault, gender-based violence and inequality that is ravaging our continent, and even more closely, our country.

Stand up for the truth.

No means NO. Not, ‘yes, come and touch me while I’m sleeping’; not ‘yes, I may be interested.’ No, means No. Not saying YES, also means NO.

The absence of express consent is NO consent. Do not assume, or imagine that anything other than a yes means it’s okay to go ahead and touch.

If you are a victim of sexual assault, there are laws in Nigeria under which you can seek justice. There are also organisations like the Mirabel Centre  that provide succour – emotional, mental and medical for victims.

As for perpetrators of such acts of violence, the full arm of the law should be invoked upon them. Society also has the responsibility to ostracise and boycott – to serve as a deterrent for other offenders. (Especially those caught on camera, where there’s incontrovertible evidence of assault)

On behalf of the BellaNaija team, I write to declare that we stand firmly against all forms sexual assault, rape  and domestic violence.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

119 Comments

  1. Omodolapo

    March 6, 2017 at 8:00 am

    May God bless you for this article. I just can’ t wrap my head around some of the things I’m seeing people write concerning this matter. I did not sleep a wink, I was so angry and still angry. We all know Tboss is a strong woman with a mind of her own, if she was even remotely interested in this pervert called Kemen, she would have gone for him. She even said she hates the way he touches her. I literally cried when I saw the way the other housemates turned against her. She became timid, she couldn’t EVEN enter the house, she had to stay at the door and asked Debbi Rise to help her bring a blanket. She stayed outside in the cold, because of the judgemental housemates. Even when Bassey said he wanted to ask her what happened, Thin Tall Tony said he shouldn’t. She became a pariah instantly, ganged up against, she only had Debbi as her support. And thats why it’s good to be good, because when the other housemates bullied Debbie she told Debbie to stand up for herself. I seriously hope Tboss press charges. I seriously hope so.

    • DAME

      March 6, 2017 at 11:27 am

      As in I am in shock. Bisola amazed me more. WHAT A BIG FOOL ! TBOSS win or lose, I love you and would stand and fight for you if need be.
      I have been sexually harassed and i know the shame that comes with even admitting to yourself that it was not your fault. Even if tboss is a pornstar or a professional prostitute, should the poor girl not sleep without being molested ni. Am so pissed

    • le coco

      March 6, 2017 at 12:17 pm

      I don’t think it’s fair for ppl to come for bisolas nd the other housemates.. granted.. she shldnt hv been so vocal. bt we need to remember that we as the viewers saw the footage.. The housemates didn’t.. Nd when big brother used the term sexual harassment, it sort of watered down the situation… at the time when keen was being disqualified.. Tboss was being quiet because obviously she is still in shock.. Nd its understandable.. bt the other housemates didn’t get why she was so quiet.. so they thought it was Tboss feeling guilty.. bt they didn’t understand that this girl was jst sexually abused.. that is what it was… that is sexual assault.. Nd I’m assuming for legal purposes big brother didn’t use that word.. bt that hats what happened..

      I watched that hats he footage over nd over.. Nd t is so obvious that KEMEN was well aware of what he did bt was busy making silly excuses.

      The moment Tboss finally explained the whole thing, you cld see that hat the housemates were ashamed.. Nd they apologised profusely.. Nd he cld even see bisla helping Tboss in the closet while listening to her..

      We are all human nd we are judging the housemates on what WE saw.. forgetting they haven’t seen the video, and they reacted the way a lot of people wld react when their friend is being disqualified nd they don’t fully grasp why..

      as for KEMEN.. I have no words.. The woman did not give consent..she couldn’t have.. she was asleep. and his useless excuse got me boiling… “that’s how is sleep”.. as HOW… I’m telling u we aren’t raising our sons right…

      people emphasise so much on how women should behave.. Nd how to be poised and respectable but nobody is teach in boys.. what a shame.. that in this day and and he a grown man dayoesnt knw tht what he did is sexual assault..He molested her nd is there denying it…. SHAME.. I wld never patronise his services.. walahi if I saw him coming at me.. I wld walk the other way

    • Gifty

      March 6, 2017 at 1:05 pm

      @le coco, you don’t think it’s fair for people to come for Bisola? You probably think it’s fair to almost ostracise Tbos and call her a witch without hearing her own side of the story.
      Let me remind you a bit more about Bisola’s unwarranted hatred for Tbos. Do you remember the day Baily hurled all known abusive words on Tbos because she observed that he didn’t flush the toilet after use? Tbos wept. Baily realised his mistakes and apologised (real, heartfelt apology oh. No be dat dragging feet apology they gave her last night). Later same day during their ‘Confession’ game Bisola told everyone, including Tbos, that she deserved every name Baily called her. Lord! My jaw dropped. She didn’t just say it she analysed, buttressed and gave a ‘moving’ submission on why Tbos deserved to be called a fool, olodo, etc. … because she politely asked that the toilet be kept neat. So I wasn’t surprised with her conduct last night.
      And it’s not just Bisola, though hers is worse. It’s a gang thing- Bisola, Efe, Marvis and recently, to my disappointment, TTT. It used to be Gifty and Tbos. They succeeded in removing Gifty and now channelled all their negative vibes on Tbos. I no know wetin d gal do dem.
      As for Kemen, Biggie did the right thing. I once told a friend that Kemen might rape Tbos one day if something was not done to avert it. Tbos had told him in a thousand ways that she didn’t like him yet Kemen was still acting like his life depended on having an affair with her. He forced-french-kissed Gifty on the eve of her departure because she was drunk. He was just restless. And it seemed the only way to tame him and forestall further damage was to disqualify him. I’m glad it happened. I just hope he learns from it. He could still be a better person.

    • le coco

      March 6, 2017 at 1:33 pm

      @GIFTY, am not saying bisola was right.. she definitely is agressive… Nd she never did like Tboss… bt I dn’t think she wld hv been as hateful had she known the severity of the situation ..We keep dancing around the issue bt the truth is she was molested…

      I don’t think their apology was fake.. they genuinely felt bad.. Nd bisola who never talked with Tboss suddenly started sympathising with her..

      and I don’t even need u to tell me about KEMEN .. I would never defend him.. He is a pervert… He deserved that disqualification +jail time…too many women have been through this.. its just unacceptable….Tboss had a right to feel the way she did.. she was in so much shock… anyone wld be.. WE NEED TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF HIM…..

    • D'Gifted

      March 6, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      Nice write up I will say.

    • Diokpa

      March 6, 2017 at 2:14 pm

      On behalf of the menfolk, our sincere apologies to Tboss and other violated victims. Our dear Muscle Tanker, Kemen your sincere personal apology to Tboss and your fans is required. Everybody makes a mistake but what is more important is to learn from the mistakes and move on. I am sure many guys have learnt from this incident and would be more careful in their relationships with babes.

  2. Kayla

    March 6, 2017 at 8:13 am

    i am not surprised though, what do u expect from a judgemental society like Nigeria. nothing in Nigeria surprises me anymore. it only breaks my heart for those ladies commenting such what they really teach their daughters.
    wont be surprised either, if their daughter is raped or molested( God forbid) blames the daughter for instigating the rape itself.
    nothing in Nigeria surprises anymore.

  3. Nk

    March 6, 2017 at 8:13 am

    I have never like Kemen , he’s been acting horny since he got into that house. Good riddance

  4. Nurumba

    March 6, 2017 at 8:23 am

    Wow, to think kemen has a lot of potentials to succeed on the large platform he was given and he ruined it. He should just come out clean with a press briefing like an armed robber turned pastor. Supporting gender issues and all. That’s the best he can do for himself. He should just forget the gym thing for now.

  5. Onyie

    March 6, 2017 at 8:27 am

    Thanks for this article Atoke. Hopefully people will take time out to watch the video to gain an understanding of what informed consent means.

    For someone who has been date raped (by a man i trusted) it was so heart breaking to see the reaction of Nigerians to Kemen being disqualified for inappropriately touching TBoss. It’s this same people who will ask the woman why she went to the guys house, why she wore the short dress etc with women leading the bandwagon in the accusations o.

    I really hope we can start re-orienting ourselves on what informed consent means in this country.

  6. chinedu

    March 6, 2017 at 8:32 am

    Well, lets also consider how the men are feeling. These days ladies don’t dress indecent and that always constitute the sexual assault we are talking abt. Men moved by what they see. I believe if men start showing their sexual endowed elements outside, expect the sexual harassment from women, believe me. Lets always look at the course of the harassment and try to prevent it. Instead of fighting for harassed person without looking at the course and preventing measures. Ladies should not show off their boobs outside or wear skimpy dress because it affects men. Self-control is a gift for some people not everybody. Pls lets consider others too. Not been selfish always.

    • 'F

      March 6, 2017 at 8:51 am

      The cause of sexual harassment, unwarranted sexual advances, rape, etc is not skimpy clothes. The cause of these things is animalistic tendencies. She was sleeping. What did she need: a fortified wall around her bed? Many women get harassed by their fathers, uncles, teachers, brothers and brothers friends. Many of them get harassed and raped as children. Many of them get raped wearing full burkas. So, no, your feelings are not the important thing here. Your lack of self control is. Self control is NOT a gift. It is a SKILL you need to develop to be a functional member of society.

    • Bey

      March 6, 2017 at 9:59 am

      Thank you my dear.
      And this is exactly the same method a lot of predators and paedophiles use. Most people get raped more with family members and people they know than even strangers.
      They sneak into the room in the dead of night, start their molestation and the person they are molesting may not even know what is going on. Sometimes the person thinks they are dreaming, especially if they are deep sleepers.
      Then some go on to threaten the person after carrying out the molestation. The person is scared of even saying anything because the person molestng them is someone of authority.
      Before you know it it’s a daily occurrence the abused feels it’s even the norm. A lot of kids abused by family members, this is usually the scenario. It comes a point it becomes their normal.
      A girl in my school that was molested by her dad. This was exactly the scenario she gave.

    • Mz Socially Awkward.....

      March 6, 2017 at 1:41 pm

      Are you minding idiots like Chinedu? I’m sorry to castigate you without even knowing you, Chinedu but you just spoke like a true idiot.

      What constantly amazes me about men like you is this – you rely on that b.s. excuse in environments such as Nigeria because you know there’s no recompense for the evil you do….. but the minute you cross into civilised society and realise THE LAW and LAW ENFORCEMENT BODIES will hold you to account for even allowing your hand to approach the periphery of a naked woman’s body WHO HAS NOT GIVEN YOU CONSENT…..

      All of a sudden, your brain does an automatic reset and you miraculously discover the will power to refrain from pouncing on all the scantily clad females that regularly cross your line of vision.

      Instead of focusing on the root cause, you’re making the case for continuing to act like an uncontrolled wild animal….. absolutely moronic.

    • Nene

      March 6, 2017 at 9:06 am

      Onye iberibe.

    • A Real Nigerian

      March 6, 2017 at 9:23 am

      You are a retard, Chinedu,
      Maybe if you have ever been raped or know someone who has been raped, you wouldn’t be here making stupid comments.
      I wonder why there is so much lack of logical thinking and empathy in this pathetic country,

    • Chief

      March 6, 2017 at 10:53 am

      @A real Nigerian….It’s pretty hateful of you to conflate rapist with men like that.You are so full of misandry.I noticed you seem to harbor a dislike of men.You view all men as filthy,lazy pigs who see women only as sex object.Every Men deserves respect irrespective of their age,we are entitled to great respect at the hands of women like you..Your ugly ideology is about demonizing everything about men..I have found that your main tenant of your ugly ideology is the opposition of patriarchal rule which in your idiotic ideology is framed in certain way which suggests that women have been sort of slave class for men and still to this day continue to be oppressed by men even though women have greater share of employment and are more privileged than men.Listen!! Patriarchy is one of the things that allowed the human specie to thrive.Anyone bashing and hating it must be a retard.

      We live in a society where societies are moved by issues pertaining to women,women are trained to take woman’s side over a man even when she’s lying and women are given the benefit of the doubt over men because men are portrayed as filthy pigs who rape women and a woman is always right in an argument with man no matter what.If this isn’t gynocentric then i don’t know what it is.

      @Chinedu Thank you.I appreciate your input,unfortunately those who support her like this are not looking for truth.Society want us to be caged castrated punks.The need to breed is instinctive and cannot be supressed in men..High level of hormone(testosterone) is responsible for the feeling of arousal and excitement in men’s body.Lustful tendencies like sexual thoughts ,uncontrolled and spontaneous physical arousal are a lot common in men.”SELF CONTROL” is indeed a gift for few men not all men.

    • Trina

      March 6, 2017 at 11:16 am

      Oh Chief…you once mentioned you have a daughter…

      If she lives in Nigeria, then she will most likely have to face sexual harassment/assault from a man at some point in her life. I know this because almost every Nigerian female I know has suffered this from childhood to adulthood.

      When she comes crying to daddy, please just hush her along and be sure to give her your quote:
      “The need to breed is instinctive and cannot be supressed in men…High level of hormone(testosterone) is responsible for the feeling of arousal and excitement in men’s body. Lustful tendencies like sexual thoughts ,uncontrolled and spontaneous physical arousal are a lot common in men”

    • Linda

      March 6, 2017 at 11:54 am

      Chief and Chinedu, so what about the women in Islamic countries who are fully covered in Abayas and Burkas but still get raped? India has one of the highest incidences of rape, yet most of the women are covered in Saris. What about them? I’m sure then you can also say that toddlers and babies are too sexy for paedophiles to resist, which is why they get raped. Don’t make excuses for rapists, please. A rapist is an animal, whether the rapist is male or female.

    • olanna&odenigbo

      March 6, 2017 at 12:15 pm

      @Chief…are you telling me that if three naked versions of Beyoncé (or whoever you are attracted to), stand in front of you with a loaded gun, pointing at you that somehow this instinct will overshadow all forms of reasoning about how to handle that situation….and you will still charge towards them to impose sex, cos biology has no control button?…

      Kindly answer please…

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      March 6, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      @linda & olanna&odenigbo, why are you people even bothering to respond to the character with the imaginary title?

      You know that he/she/it has only embraced life thus far for the sole purpose of trolling on troubling societal issues such as these. Save valuable mental energy, instead; a lot of people have long learnt how not to feed the troll.

    • Corolla

      March 6, 2017 at 4:03 pm

      Chinedu and Chief, your parents have failed you and the society! They raised entitled rapists who have the audacity to air their rapsist view in public.

      I implore all of us that have chidren or plan on having them to do better. Please let us teach our sons that women are not objects that can be played with at will. We have to do better. We definitely have to do better and raise sons and daughters who know that it is not okay to sexually assault people. Let us not make the same mistake Chief and Chinedu’s parents made.

      Atoke, thanks for this refresher course on consent.

    • Nuna

      March 6, 2017 at 9:43 am

      Like who approved this?

    • Chief

      March 6, 2017 at 2:23 pm

      @Mz Socially Awkward….
      Shut up!!I’m not that jobless to be trolling..I’m entitled to my opinion..BTW i’m here to uplift beta males to Alpha males..Thanks

    • Leah

      March 6, 2017 at 2:45 pm

      See this Chief of idiots!
      You’re here to uplift who and what?
      Nuisance! Just go away and never come back.
      Your soul smells bad.

    • word

      March 6, 2017 at 9:58 am

      Self Control is not a GIFT! Saying that sounds like God dashed some people and skipped others. It is choice you make to respect yourself and other human beings. I do not care if she’s been giving him green, yellow, purple or all-the-colours-of the-rainbow light. If she was awake when he was touching her, then it would have been up to her to make a decision. The point is not in the touching…it is in the fact that she was unconscious. Does it sink now? Before u start counting the rainbow colours that clouded his sense.

    • E-O

      March 6, 2017 at 9:59 am

      What kind of a dimwitted animal are you? You’re no different from the Bisola and gang who caused serious lacerations to Tboss’s person yesterday without getting the facts first. Kid not yourself for the cause of sexual harassments of all form is the perpetrator! Not a skimpy dress, the massage from 5 mins ago or the subtle “green lights”. If a woman has not encouraged to you to touch or told you outrightly, keep your perverse hands to your damn self.

    • roadsidewarrior

      March 6, 2017 at 10:03 am

      Chinedu, I was 5 years old when the pastor of my church decided to start sexually abusing me. What sort of skimpy clothes could I possibly have been wearing that could have caused a supposed Christian, a leader to abuse a 5-year old girl? I’m not going into how his abuse changed the course of my life and how at almost 40, I’m still dealing with the after effects, especially since I unfortunately had people like you in my family.

      How about instead of worrying about what women are wearing, worry about what kind of human being you are? If you are that kind of person whose brain stops working because of what other people are wearing, then that’s a serious personal problem, no? Get help for it. The fewer men who think it’s their right to assault women, the better life is for all of us.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 6, 2017 at 11:30 am

      @roadsidewarrior

      My darling, it’s crazy the way the after effects refuse to go away. And then when therapy is mentioned, people think one has turned “oyibo” and say “just pray about it and you’ll be fine”.

      I’ve had excellent education, done great with my career, got married, had kids, travelled the world for work and for play, made good friends, been praying, fasting too…yet I still wake up at night with vivid memories of the horrible smell of Tura soap and a hard on pressed on my 5yr old body.

      The tears still flow.

      And as for that your Pastor, my knack for easy forgiveness goes out the window when a child is molested. I genuinely wish him painful things. 🙁

    • Truth

      March 6, 2017 at 10:04 am

      May I remind you that before the white man came we used to walk naked so this argument about indecent dressing doesn’t hold water. Go back and read the article slowly take your time to understand.

    • Marian

      March 6, 2017 at 10:18 am

      Yup, infact virginity was life back then too. No Blood No Glory was the honeymoon theme.

    • Tobi

      March 6, 2017 at 10:04 am

      Firstly, you sound just like a sexual predator. Regardless of what a woman wears, does, does not do or how she acts, no one has the right to touch her without her consent. Are you saying fully covered women don’t get harassed as much as other women? Instead of shaming women who are sexually assaulted, how about men learn to control their selves. Keep it in your pants. If a woman says no, take it as a NO. An unconscious person cannot consent to anything. Educate yourself and people who think like you rather than come on here and display your lack of basic principles. NO means NO. Rape is caused by the perpetrator NEVER the victim.

    • MadamYe...

      March 6, 2017 at 10:31 am

      So because I have decide to wear a short dress or have my boobs out that gives a man the right to touch me indecently. I have every right to dress as I please without having the fear of being assaulted.

      Nigerians and their mentality scare me!!! What is this one saying????

      Self control!!!! That is what men to take on board…Don’t blame me for having the right to wear as I please….

      So If I on the beach in my two piece any man can just walk up to me and grope me because I’m wearing a bikini??

    • ekalor

      March 6, 2017 at 10:44 am

      is this the case… Stick to the subject matter

    • Fabulous

      March 6, 2017 at 11:05 am

      Mumu talk.

    • Ugo

      March 6, 2017 at 11:53 am

      Whoever you are;you are very stupid,and im not sorry. So if someone has an uncontrollable urge for sex,or is just a pervert,his behavior should be excused because his victim was scantily clad? You are very big MUMU! Yes I said it. You’re the type that will eat poison because you are a glutton#oniranu

    • Gina

      March 6, 2017 at 12:33 pm

      FIRST SELF CONTROL IS NOT A GIFT…………………………………. NO it is called DISCIPLINE which we all CHOOSE to learn at one point or the other in our lives.

      I do agree with you that some women CHOOSE to dress “Indecently” (however you want to define that), that is their choice, it may cause unwanted attention, BUT DOES NOT give any other person the RIGHT to ASSAULT THEM.

      Take for example FOOD. Because i cooked a food which smells delicious and permeates (spreads) through the compound, does that mean I GAVE PERMISSION to the THIEF who came to STEAL IT? If an INDIVIDUAL cannot resist my FOOD should the person not ask PERMISSION for me to GIVE them? Should the PERSON wait for me to go to BED before SNEAKING into my KITCHEN to TAKE it? If caught by the LANDLORD and lynched/arrested IS IT NOW MY FAULT? or should I STOP COOKING?

      in the above case is SELF-CONTROL A GIFT OR A NECESSITY?

    • gia

      March 6, 2017 at 3:13 pm

      @ms socially awkward

      “All of a sudden, your brain does an automatic reset and you miraculously discover the will power to refrain from pouncing on all the scantily clad females that regularly cross your line of vision.”

      Actually they don’t.There are many nigerian men currently enjoying jail time fir rape and other kinds of sexual harrasment.

    • test

      March 6, 2017 at 4:49 pm

      Chinedu i wont resort to insult that you fully deserve based on your comment. Why is it that men are given excuses for their behavior? So the way a lady dresses gives a man the right to molest her? Why can’t we teach our young men and sons NO simply means No whether she is naked or having sex for pay.

      Why can’t we graduate from boys will always be boys to proper educationon what to do and how to act. After all women are given all these rules; lean to cook, remain a virgin but still be a freak,, don’t wear this or that, etc what have men been taught? what did your mother teach you. Oh no its ok…because he is a man….they are sexual creatures, its okay, she brought it on herself.

      Its a terrible shame

    • pam

      March 6, 2017 at 5:54 pm

      Female friends of Chinedu beware.

    • Anonymous

      March 7, 2017 at 12:38 am

      You Chinedu are an idiot.

  7. LemmeRant

    March 6, 2017 at 8:53 am

    So now, she was unconscious?

    She didn’t give consent, He harassed her. He got kicked out. Stick to the facts.

    Actually felt for her. She handled it properly and didn’t want to cause a scene,
    She obviously doesn’t hate him.

    • A Real Nigerian

      March 6, 2017 at 9:24 am

      Did you read the article?

    • LemmeRant

      March 6, 2017 at 9:31 am

      I did. I also read the article title

    • A Real Nigerian

      March 6, 2017 at 10:00 am

      k…

  8. Zeeebby

    March 6, 2017 at 9:02 am

    EVEN IF TBOSS SLEPT WITH HER PANT OFF AND HER LEGS HANGING IN THE AIR, HE STILL DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TOUCH HER,….. SHE WAS ASLEEEEEEPPPPP……..NO CONSENT EQUALS SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

    But honestly, she handled it well. I swear two people would have left the house yesterday if it was me….. one alive (me) and the other in a body bag

  9. Dude

    March 6, 2017 at 9:13 am

    Kemen is just a pervert.

  10. Susie

    March 6, 2017 at 9:17 am

    Who is that person arguing above that “men are entitled to rape cos women aren’t dressing decent” ? What arrant nonsense is that? Fyi before colonialism, women in many African societies used to be topless & yet our male ancestors didn’t turn into he goats and rape them all. Stop excusing crime with bogus excuses.

    • Nuna

      March 6, 2017 at 9:45 am

      That’s the kind of stuff you hear in Naija. Most boys are raised o believe if she dresses some typa way, shes asking for it. KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS TO YOURSELF, ITS NOT YOUR BODY!

  11. Thank you

    March 6, 2017 at 9:24 am

    Thank you so much for this, Atoke. You don’t know how many people I’ve tried to educate since morning. I’ll just send them this link instead. I’m tired of talking. Thank you

    • le coco

      March 6, 2017 at 12:28 pm

      I’m tellin you.. meeting so many ppl who genuinely don’t understand the concept is mind boggling.. Our ppl have a long way to go

  12. Marian

    March 6, 2017 at 9:42 am

    If only a survey can be done to show the number of females who have been sexually assaulted in one way or another.

    BN maybe yall should start doing surveys, i’m sure there is a way to set it up so people can vote on issues like these.

    When in doubt just ask for clarification and this includes married folks.

  13. D

    March 6, 2017 at 9:55 am

    Thanks for addressing this issue,kemen has low self esteem if a girl tell you repeatedly that she is not into you accept and move.we need to let our kids understand the meaning of the word NO. He feels that every girl always say No initially but when you touch them it will turn to yes Ewu somebody .
    I love how tboss handled the situation,if someone can do that to you when you are defenseless(sleeping) that means he can kill you.

  14. Fabulous

    March 6, 2017 at 9:58 am

    Thank you BN for this article, in fact God bless all of you. How can anyone in his/her right senses condemn Biggie’s action and shame Tboss. Very Unfortunate; even more unfortunate when women joined in shaming her. I’m so surprised at Bisola’s action expected more from her. I’ve never liked Tboss, but what Kemen did is wrong, bad and devilish. He should be prosecuted. The idiot knew exactly what he did. He looked round to be sure no one was watching before he molested her. Even if a woman sleeps naked, it doesn’t give a man any right in this earth to molest her, when you’re not an animal. I’m so angry right now, in fact watching that video makes me sick. If anyone support kemen than you’re a devil.
    Once again God bless you BN for this.

  15. Fabulous

    March 6, 2017 at 10:02 am

    What is even sadder is the fact that the idiot wasn’t even remorseful. Honestly dude should be prosecuted.

    • Omodolapo

      March 6, 2017 at 11:07 am

      Not only was he not remorseful, he said he didn’t do anything and then lied that Tboss went to report that she did not like the way he held her!!! Can someone please press charges?!!!!

  16. AsobyEbi

    March 6, 2017 at 10:12 am

    Great piece well written. The issue i find more worrisome is the number of females who dont understand ‘consent”…i was highly disappointed in Bisola 🙁 and several other females! But why? why do we have to be the ones to burn ourselves! it doesn’t matter of the victim is naked or half naked…you need “consent” for any sexual activity! We cant resound that enough!

  17. Enny heart heart

    March 6, 2017 at 10:16 am

    That’s what you get for going to a useless show. They validate sexual immorality but draw the line on sexual immorality? Assholes, all of them!

    • le coco

      March 6, 2017 at 12:23 pm

      U sound stupid… what part of molestation is ok..

  18. Mrs oluwole

    March 6, 2017 at 10:19 am

    Thanks for this beautiful article. I watched the otherwise strong TBoss frightened to enter the house yesternight becos she knew Bisola and her gang will not show her mercy. It’s really, really sad. If only someone amongst this gang had just showed a little concern, instead they were all praising Kemen who left the house bouncing like a champion. I think the tide has turned, TBoss should win the money. Women please stand up for this girl. #womenstandwithTBoss#

    • sharon

      March 6, 2017 at 11:12 am

      #reasonablemenstandwithtboss #tbossforthewin

  19. LD

    March 6, 2017 at 10:24 am

    I am a victim of sexual assault, I was below 8 years when it happened, I didn’t really understand what had been done to me then but what I remembered vividly was the older guy cleaning blood out of my thigh afterwards, he then told me not to mention it to anyone. I tired telling my older sister then but she shut me down and was too scared to tell anyone else. It went on for couple of years until I got to understand what was happening to me.

    I’m 30 years now, grown into a beautiful lady with good paying job but have never had a boyfriend and the thought of marriage usually send a cold shill down spine because the thought of “something” entering my vj usually gives me panic attack.

    I give different excuses when plagued with the question of when are you “settling down” from both concerned family and friends but only I know what’s going on in my head.

    Have read different articles over the years on how to cope with this sort of thing but nothing has changed really.

    I have never told anyone this before but felt compel to share this here today.

    • DAME

      March 6, 2017 at 11:30 am

      Same happened to me ..fondled by a married uncle …i kept saving till i could move out to rent my own place. Told my sister and bf who wanted to beat the living crap but I have been able to put that behind me and forge ahead. You can too…the holy spirit is a constant helper and comforter

    • funmilola

      March 6, 2017 at 11:51 am

      believe in me that by your strength you can’t get over it, been there too…
      it takes the comfort of the Holy Spirit to strengthen you.
      it will pass and you’ll overcome too

    • Marian

      March 6, 2017 at 12:52 pm

      You have to tell someone. You need to cry scream and yell about it with someone followed by a loving hug from someone that understands your pain. It is not fair for that demented person to continue to live free while you continue in pain.
      If you don’t have someone close enough to you to share it with my sister please find a good counselor/therapist and pay for a shoulder to cry on.

      I’m wishing you all the best. ? I pray it will be something you can look back on one day and smile knowing how far you’ve come.

    • T

      March 6, 2017 at 2:17 pm

      The first thing to do is to talk to someone you can trust. I suggest (talk) therapy with an experienced Christian counsellor. Talking and praying about it helps. Do not let a past deed that was not your fault hold you down. It is called fear. You can be free; you can have a beautiful future. If you are a Christian, declare your liberty in Christ any time the thought comes. Christ has set you free and you are free indeed. Give this fear over to Christ. I shall be well with you. Your future is bright! People should be educated on what to do in the event of sexual assault/abuse. Silence makes your fear stronger.

  20. mz_danielz

    March 6, 2017 at 10:28 am

    I always wondered why Bisola with all her talent was still struggling. She started the funny way of talking with Falz, the guy has gone far while she is still hustling.

    Watching BBN cleared the air for me, the babe is a judgemental bully with a jealous streak. People like that have talent, seemingly popularity, etc but real success eludes them. Success is spiritual and when we use our words and actions to put people down in a bid to feel better about ourselves, such actions speak against us and keep us down.

    • Sultana

      March 6, 2017 at 7:03 pm

      Well said! i hope she reads this. Very apt.

  21. Beard gang

    March 6, 2017 at 10:34 am

    Facts still remains tboss was not unconscious!
    She was fully aware of what kemen was doing, she offered no resistance, raised no alarm nothing! She adjusted properly, looked under the sheets and turned a blind eye…it is impossible to be passionately caressed that way and still remain deeply asleep! Her actions in that video largely scream ‘I’m having a good time, carry on’
    Nobody was abused…educative post though but so not applicable to tboss/kemen situation …no to rape

    • Fisayo

      March 6, 2017 at 10:53 am

      Beardgang you’re a BIG FOOL!

      Did you not know she was intoxicated?
      And you obviously cannot differentiate between turning a blind eye and turning. She didn’t turn her eye. She turned her entire body you eejit!

      I wish I knew you in person so I could warn every female around you to be very careful. You speak for a lot of despicable men like you who can NEVER understand where to draw the line.

      I’ll tell you what, I have been fondled before and it went on for (according to the b*stard) about 20 mins and I didn’t move an inch. My sleep goes that deep! The idiot assumed I was having a good time even though I didn’t move a muscle.

      You lot are the same, You feel entitled to a woman’s body just because you’ve been born a man. He goat like you!

      May your beard catch fire.

    • le coco

      March 6, 2017 at 12:21 pm

      What a shame.. beard Gang u r an idiot.. The girl was asleep.. have u never shifted position in ur sleep. GET A LIFE… u are probably a molester.. that’s why u r talking trash

  22. jess

    March 6, 2017 at 11:05 am

    Beautiful write up. I believe that when women start standing up for one another, we will overcome a lot of ills we face in the society. Mothers will bring up their sons right, sisters will stand up to their brothers when they go wrong, Women have the power to make the next generation of men a better one by educating them. In the absence of this, we will not move forward. When a woman like me, branded another woman(the victim) a witch while defending the perpetrator “kemen said he did not do it and I believe him” it is plain evil. She did not extend the benefit of the doubt to the victim that was in the same house with her? We need to speak out and drown the voices of those that blame victims of sexual assault.

  23. Beard gang

    March 6, 2017 at 11:13 am

    Fisayo you are a bigger fool!
    I wish I knew you in person so that I could warn every male around you to be careful of your stupid sensational antics…
    Which nonsense intoxication? How can you prove that from watching the video?
    And yes she turned a blind eye she did not just turn…she looked under the sheets and noticed what was going on and offered no resistance …watch the video again before this pointless and senseless sensationalism …nonsense! She-goat like you too

    • Fisayo

      March 6, 2017 at 11:47 am

      Hahahahaha!!!

      Beardgand oh! Yes she was intoxicated because we watched her have A LOT to drink before going to bed. And if she has a higher threshold than others, then how about she was asleep?!

      I know your type. R&B. Rape and Beg. Or even worse, Rape and Justify.

      I say you people with this mind set need to be introduced to the punishment of medical castration. Once they start nicely slicing off your little members, then your eye will clear and you will be able to differentiate when it’s ok and not okay to go near a woman’s body.

      Still hoping that beard of yours goes up in smoke.
      Rape apologist oshi!

  24. Carmen

    March 6, 2017 at 11:14 am

    Though I do not watch the programme,I saw the video and i felt so sad.Just do a mini survey with the women around you and you’ll be shocked how many women have been groped while asleep.

    Some years ago, my mum,my kid sister and I had to make an impromptu trip to Lagos by night bus.My mum sat with my kid sister,i sat close to a guy. I fell asleep but was awakened by something..wasn’t sure what woke me up. I went back to sleep,but woke to a hand close to my underarm trying to get to my breasts.At first,i thought it was my imagination because he withdrew his hand when I shifted.So i pretended to be asleep,and sure enough,dude was trying to press breast. I was about 13 or thereabout at the time so I was confused at first how to react.My mum didn’t discuss sex or stuff like that with me,so i wasn’t really sure how to tell her the dude beside me was pressing breast.Finally i held his hand and told him i would shout if he didn’t stop. He did not try it after that. Of course,if that type of thing happened now, I would scream blue murder and start WWW3. Sometimes i wish I had the nerve to do that then.

    As for kemen,he got served. 25m,Brand,reputation…all gone by one stupid act.Self control is basically for your own good.You might hurt others along the line by your lack of it,and get away with it,but day,you’ll self destruct…and it will be fatal.And it will have nothing to do with your village witches and wizards.

  25. john

    March 6, 2017 at 11:51 am

    I got to respect Tboss. babe manipulated Miyonse. manipulated Kemen manipulated Biggie and is manipulating viewer

    • Pippy

      March 6, 2017 at 12:05 pm

      You know, John…I would have agreed with you, except for the “manipulating viewer” part.

      The fact is, almost all of us females in Nigeria have been through this nonsense before and we are just so glad it’s at the forefront of discussions. It’s not so much about Kemen or BBNaija, it’s more about the fact that discussions are happening on the subject. These discussions need to happen oh.

      Men around here really need to understand that a woman’s body is not yours for the random taking. That is all oh.

    • busola

      March 6, 2017 at 12:18 pm

      Sorry, but I have to ask. Are you mad???

  26. artklub

    March 6, 2017 at 11:51 am

    good these discussions are going on. ladies never let your self relax – drink alcohol etc – around a nigerian male stranger. be constantly on alert. that also goes for male relatives. u never know who is willing to cross that line and take a chance. now also they are drugging drinks at bars and clubs so u could lose consciousness. nigerians have behavioral problems, socially untrained. only one focus: money and marriage. everything else is irrelevant. most nigerian women have been molested. fact.

  27. Jeffrey

    March 6, 2017 at 11:56 am

    Some Nigerian men doing what they do best. If they are not molesting their daughters, nieces and strangers they are raping women. Forever claiming they have no control over themselves. I have lost count of the number of times I have witnessed women get molested in markets and public buses. They do it openly with no iota of shame. For 5 years my late sister was molested and raped by our father. If wasn’t until she committed suicide we found a diary with write-ups of the pain she glad being going through. She probably never talked about it because the likes of beard gang and chief would have judged her and told her she was enjoying it. The disheartening part is my late sister stated in her diary that she told our mum but our Mum said she was seeing things ( hallucinating). She never took the time to investigate and then ended up lieing to people that my sister died of an ailment. My sister and I were close and I didn’t know all this shit was going on. I wish I saw the signs I would have saved her from the monster. She had big dreams. It hurts like hell. i have never at any point seen a woman fondle an intoxicated man. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for women that are intoxicated. No means no. If someone doesn’t give you consent in a sane state you have absolutely no freaking right to touch them.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 6, 2017 at 2:26 pm

      Jeffrey, I cried reading your sister’s story. The grief she must have gone through! And with Mum not being supportive too?!

      Not sure if you’re a guy or a female just using a male name here, but either way, regardless of the fact that you’re not the direct rape victim, your indirect pain is palpable. Plus the pain of loss of a loved one. Must be a lot to handle. I really hope you’ve had a chance to talk to a professional counsellor at length about what you’ve had to go through. If you have, then good on you! If not, I think you should please try to.

      Sending loads of love and light your way.

      I’m so sorry. SO SORRY. 🙁

    • Jeffrey

      March 6, 2017 at 3:14 pm

      Thanks so much Bleed Blue. I am a guy. The case was treated like hush hush in the family. It tore the family apart. Neither me or my other siblings really talk about it. Everyone just had to deal with it in their own way. I really want to get help but where does one start from. The times I have tried to talk to folks about it they tell me I am emotional. One of my goals this year is to get help, heal and hopefully closure for me and my siblings. What I am battling with now is the courage to be able to pour my heart out without being judged or told I am too emotional for a guy.

    • artklub

      March 7, 2017 at 11:16 am

      hello jeffrey, thank you for sharing your story, very sorry for your loss. may your sister rest in peace. damn u bloody nigerians, this is one of our biggest shames normalized by everyone. fix this *hit! no more abuse of children, women, the weak. enough is enough. we are literally killing ourselves. do better mfs!

  28. Tizee

    March 6, 2017 at 12:08 pm

    In truth, we would not do this discourse justice if we focus only on the sick and despicable actions of Kemen. We must teach our sons and daughters how to spot predators and potentially avoid sexual harassment!!! Anyone and everyone watching BBNaija could clearly see that Kemen was a predator, who was preying on all the ladies in the house! There will always be predators, who will take advantage of any opportunity they get to pounce! The key is to eliminate the opportunities if you can. Without blaming Tboss, blindly trusting Kemen to share her bed created an opportunity for the vile creature to act, lets educate other people so they won’t make the same mistake.

    • Idomagirl

      March 6, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      She did not “trust” him to share her bed…
      He left where he was upstairs and crawled into bed with her.
      Nice attempt at victim blaming.

  29. Beard gang

    March 6, 2017 at 12:14 pm

    Fisayo, Laughing at the rhythm of your foolishness…I know your type too, opportunist gold digger (trying to milk every situation)… I also watched her have so little to drink …gold digger oshi…stop promoting malicious false rape…it is you that should be stripped of your womb …namsense!

    • Fisayo

      March 6, 2017 at 12:52 pm

      Gold digger has entered the matter now abi? It’s so obvious you’re clutching at straws to try and pass across your pathetic ideology.

      When calling a female an “olosho” doesn’t work for you sorry men, the next low step is “gold digger”. So we’re metaphorically gold digging, right?
      Well yes, the situation needs to be milked as Kemen (your hero) has decided to be a cow of sorts!

      Beardgang, let’s agree on one thing. You and your kind who seek to justify sexual assault in any form, are weak men.

    • Beard gang

      March 6, 2017 at 1:41 pm

      If you read properly you will have noticed the ‘gold digger’ was not used in an ‘olosho’ context…and i

    • Gina

      March 6, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      Beardgangest, see even your internet had to hook in the middle of your commenting because it knows you were about to spew some further trash. Abeg go and rest.

    • Cmbo

      March 6, 2017 at 2:07 pm

      As if you are supposed to dig for sand. If you want to dig why not go ahead and dig for gold. Please ignore the beard gang guy, he is obviously a frustrated man.

    • artklub

      March 7, 2017 at 11:18 am

      ur so gross. shame on u! u’re untrained and your mama ain’t know no better.

  30. kayla

    March 6, 2017 at 1:03 pm

    @beardgang if u re female, then u re a sad case. if u re male then u really had psychological issues. because i cant believe a man who would be a future father, if u re not already can write and insult like this. so many mad people in Nigeria still wearing clothes.

  31. X-factor

    March 6, 2017 at 1:33 pm

    Thank you my darling for this article , to imagine that the dog thin tall Tony still went ahead to condemn her even after knowing the fact is sickening…I Am gradually loosing hope for the quality of men in this generation…..

  32. Beard gang

    March 6, 2017 at 1:51 pm

    Fisayo if you read properly you will have noticed the ‘gold digger’ was not used in an ‘olosho’ context…women most times result to acrimonious blackmail whenever a relationship goes sour and start to shout abuse or violence…let us also raise our daughters to desisit from this..all these I’m a weak man talk is gibberish …you are the silly one here …the truth is tboss gave kemen so much leverage and as for that night she was not asleep…I care less about kemen (boy has got a baboon head on a human body…lol) she consented if not her reaction will have been totally different! So just stop all that sentimental sh*t …I stand against rape and I stand against false rape which is so common these days …don’t make rash conclusions out of spiteful sentiments

    • Fisayo

      March 6, 2017 at 2:08 pm

      NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Quit lying!!! You do not stand against rape. If you did, we wouldn’t be having this exhausting exchange on this rainy afternoon.

      I see you’ve come to the crux of the matter, “tboss gave kemen so much leverage”… but did she give kemen consent to look around, masturbate a bit, look around some more and then put his fingers in her most intimate place? Did she?

      See your hairy face like “she wasn’t asleep”. People like you sicken me! Always finding a way to blame the victim.

      And of course, I so knew you were going to point at “context” here, and if you bothered to open your brain and read properly, you’d also have noted where I referred to your use of “gold digger” as a metaphor.

      That you’re a weak man is gibberish? I think not. With each comment you make here, you only solidify the notion that you are.

  33. Beard gang

    March 6, 2017 at 2:29 pm

    People like you sicken me too!
    Masturbate? Seriously? How did he do it? Quit lying too
    Metaphorically yet you brought the ‘olosho’ thingy… open your brain too…keep your retarded sentiments to yourself …tboss was aware and enjoyed herself period! As you said the exchange is exhausting so post whatever nonsense you like …I really hope she presses charges and fools herself

    • Fisayo

      March 6, 2017 at 2:53 pm

      Blablabla and more bla…

      Eya beardgang, you’re so hurt, I can almost hear you shouting in frustration while drowning in your mess of folly.

      “She enjoyed herself”
      Do you know how many men (even armed robbers) have been quoted as uttering those same words once they’re done molesting a woman? Of course you do, because you’re one of them. Clearly.

      Look mister man, just calm your manhood. No need for all these emotional outbursts you’re having here.
      You’re a rape apologist and we know it. That’s the bottomline to your rants really.

    • Beard gang

      March 6, 2017 at 3:01 pm

      Whatever

    • Dee

      March 6, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      beardgang, listen to urself:
      you sicken me too!
      quit lying too!
      open your brain too!
      Bia, youre soundin too much like my 6year old. biko how old r u?

    • Beard gang

      March 6, 2017 at 3:16 pm

      You sound so much like metu selah …you ooze so much ‘wisdom’…how old are you too? I hope you are older than him…gtfoh…lame attempt

    • Dee

      March 6, 2017 at 4:17 pm

      Chineke! And you did it again.
      with ur “how old are you too?” everytime someone says something to you, no to dey reply with “u too” up n down?
      It appears you’re a mere child with a beard.

    • Beard gang

      March 6, 2017 at 6:08 pm

      Okay einstein

  34. Anon

    March 6, 2017 at 2:45 pm

    Thanks for the article BN/Atoke……….I’m glad Kemen got punished for what happened…….men often get away with it (He only got punished because it was caught on camera).
    Now imagine there had been no cameras; in a game of ‘he said’, ‘she said’, the man often wins……..
    This issue roused a ghost I have been carrying around for about 10 years i.e. wondering whether it was my fault that I got raped.
    I feel for TBoss because I can relate (The person that raped me was my then boyfriend).
    Because of the shame and blaming, I could only tell one other person when it happened (my best friend).
    For years, I blamed myself (after-all he was my boyfriend)…….but now that I’m older (in my 30’s), I know that it WAS NOT my fault.
    I did say NO. I did FIGHT to get free.
    I did not want to lose my virginity that way but it got TAKEN from me,
    Where other people reminisce about their first time, I only feel bitterness and anger.
    My brain’s way of coping was to wipe my memory so much so that I can’t remember anything about that day except standing in the middle of my street afterwards, with tears streaming down my face.
    No woman deserves to have her body used without her consent. No Woman!
    We should train our male children to DO better, to BE better….No woman deserves to be so used!
    I can write this due to anonymity….and I can speak about it to my closest friends.
    But I can never say it out in the public……afterall, he was my boyfriend……..

  35. Marian

    March 6, 2017 at 2:56 pm

    People that watch BigBrother, are the contestants assigned a spot to sleep?

    Went on YouTube to actually see the video for myself and saw another one of Kemen reaching for Tboss while they were both sleeping beside eachother. Why continue to sleep/spoon under the covers with a guy you want nothing to do with that has openly expressed his affection for you? She even allowed him to spray her with water while she was wearing a bra and then showed him her naked boobs. I’m starting to go with the whole set up theory. Why not raise an alarm the first time he reached for her?

    No means No but Common sense is also very vital.

    Lesson for guys, don’t ruin your life/future on top fine girl. Ask questions and clarify before proceeding when you are with someone you are not officially dating or married to.

    • ogeAdiro

      March 6, 2017 at 4:13 pm

      I actually know some girls in real life who play this type of rough play with guys who are crazy about them. When I ask, they’ll say that everybody understands their boundaries. Personally, if a girl likes me and I don’t like her back, I will just jejely distance myself from her. No time for mixed signals.
      With all of that said, if a girl is not your wife or girlfriend, it doesn’t matter how much flirting you two have flirted in the past, touching their privates while they’re asleep is absolutely wrong. You ought to have gotten to a certain level with another human being before you begin to think of taking such liberties with the other person’s body. You can’t be grabbing and groping another person who is just your friend, unless they give you explicit permission. In fact, sometimes permission is not even enough. That person needs to want you too.
      The one I struggle with is when alcohol is involved. The tea analogy didn’t address the conscious but intoxicated scenario. If the conscious but intoxicated person willingly accepts the tea, will the tea server, who might also be intoxicated, be held in contempt? Some people do things they’re not proud when they’re under the influence, next thing they’re looking for someone to blame.

    • Anon

      March 6, 2017 at 6:09 pm

      While I understand that you are well meaning, I need to point out that wives and girlfriends can be assaulted too. Becoming a wife or girlfriend doesn’t equate to giving up your agency. My body doesn’t belong to a man because i became his wife or girlfriend. If i say i’m not doing today, a man cannot force himself on me because i am his wife or girlfriend. I get what you’re saying but i just want to point out that this is across the board. You don’t touch anyone who doesn’t want to be touched regardless of the “level” of the relationship. There is a lot of spousal rape because of this type of entitlement. It is still as bad and violent whether you know the person or not. A large percentage of rape survivors were assaulted by people they know and have intimate relationships with. It is still all sexual assault..

    • Serendipity

      March 6, 2017 at 7:27 pm

      Whether I am a wife of not, my husband will not put his finger into my privates while I’m sleeping. It is perverse. When I am tired and not in the mood, Biko, no is no.

    • ogeAdiro

      March 6, 2017 at 8:58 pm

      Anon, I don’t know if I’m well meaning. I’m just yarning my mind. Not sexing your wife or husband is grounds for divorce in many places. That means that you actually “give up your agency,” to an extent, when you get married. I agree with you that nobody, even one’s husband/wife, has any right to force them into sex.
      Serendipity, some people wake their partners up by giving them head. Which one is more perverse?
      The issue of rape is bigger than our individual biases. Let’s try to tackle the issue without inserting ourselves into the matter. Me, I grew up Christian, and I actually believed that my body was the temple of God. I no longer identify as Christian but I’m still extremely careful when it comes to sharing my body with another person. I personally don’t enjoy having another person’s body on mine for prolonged periods. I can only take the whole touchy touchy in very small doses. So you guys are preaching to the choir when it comes to ownership of one’s body.

    • Serendipity

      March 6, 2017 at 10:14 pm

      My dear, that is just me. Whether husband or lover, please don’t wake me up with a head. You just might receive a kick to that head. Don’t wake me up with a finger. Allow my body to catch up with my brain and give u a yes. And God forbid, don’t wake me with an erect something trying to find its way in. Ugh. Shudder. Please don’t. Others might like it. I don’t. I would like to be awake and uncharged of my mind and body.

  36. Beard gang

    March 6, 2017 at 3:02 pm

    @cmbo what an insightful joke!

    • Reni

      March 6, 2017 at 3:13 pm

      This guy shut up na! Wetin?

  37. WeLoveYouTboss

    March 6, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    First of all i want to say that based on this comment section, I’m very surprised at the support for Tboss and I mean this in a good way. Except for some fringe outliers like chief and beardgang who are obviously rapists in training, I’m very proud of the mindset of so many of you here. Nigeria is a hard society for women. Rape culture and consent have always just gone over the collective head of Nigerians. Nigerian women have also historically been the enablers and gate keepers of patriarchy. In a lot of ways, we still are. But I am very very happy that we have rallied around TBoss like this. Consent is a very simple concept. But a lot of men don’t want to hear it because by that definition, they have sexually assaulted women before. But they don’t want to consider themselves in that light. A lot of people still think that rape and sexual assault are always dramatic with the survivors screaming and fighting and crying. I want to make something very clear, even to you well meaning people who still insist that women should take any kind of responsibility in protecting themselves against assault: the blame will never EVER be on the survivor. That’s it. There is no grey area. No ifs or buts. The blame will ALWAYS lie at the feet of the assaulter. It doesn’t matter if she flirted with you before. If she says no at that time, you don’t touch her. It doesn’t matter if she is a sex worker. It still doesn’t grant you any rights or access to her body without her EXPLICIT consent. She can be naked. Still not your place to touch her if she hasn’t invited you to do so. She did not say “no” or put up a fight. What you should be looking for is an EXPLICIT yes. If that yes isn’t present, fi le, dont touch it. She was asleep. That means she couldn’t have given consent, don’t touch her. She slept with you on Sunday. Sleeping with her once or twice doesn’t grant you lifetime access. So you can’t forcefully take it on Tuesday. Consent is needed EVERY TIME you are in a sexual situation with her. You can be mid stroke in her vagina. If she says she is not doing again, any stroke after that is assault. You’re supposed to put your penis back in your pants and go to your house. She came to your house at night. You don’t touch her till she says she wants to do. She invited you over to her house at night. If she doesn’t explicitly state that she wants to to touch her, hands to yourself or stay in your house. Do you catch my drift? There should be nothing implied in sex. It must be explicitly agreed upon mutually. Anything done outside of a YES is assault. You men need to understand this. And this applies to people in general because men get molested too. Do not touch anybody who hasn’t explicitly invited you to do so. Again, whether you like it or not, anything outside of this makes you a damn RAPIST or SEX OFFENDER. There is no way to justify and rationalize it. Kpom Kwem.

    P.s- To the brave people who shared their ordeals, I’m so sorry it happened to you. It happened to me too. I was a child and even now its hard to wrap my head around it. I don’t know why someone would do that to a kid but the one thing i know is that it was not my fault. It isn’t yours either and i hope you find some measure of peace in that understanding like i have. *tight hug*

  38. AceOfSpades

    March 6, 2017 at 6:34 pm

    How people rape, I still don’t understand. If the shame can be much for the family of the rape victim, how much can it be for the victim herself.

    I met a girl on tinder and we had such mad chemistry. If we talk for 3 hours, 2.45hr of that talk would be about sex. If we talk money, sex will find a way in. We talk Buhari, career, future, science, culture, history, experiences, love, blogs, celebs, billionaires, technology and whatever, sex would find a way into those discussions. She’d even say things like ‘if I catch you ehnnn, you’d beg me to stop’ but she didn’t really agree directly to having sex.

    She came to my house eventually and wore bum short when we wanted to sleep. I made moves like thrice and she said she wanted to sleep. I let her be. Next day she didn’t wear anything, just the duvet covering both of us and we cuddled and kissed yet nothing. Last day she had to leave impromptu and nothing still. Inbtw all this, we would go to The Place and Rhapsody and drink o.

    I am here today writing this, I’m not dead because I didn’t hit it! I’m not even bragging about self control but having self control can make you sexually attractive to women. Did I mention the lady wants to come spend weekend and she already gave consent over the phone already. Some men ehnnnn…..its until it happens to your wife (that one hurts more than child to some people) before they know.

    Kemen should have just gone near and make moves. Touching her directly like that is out of it. What happened to hand rubs and neck and all till she gets the message and consent or not and you stop.

  39. Idomagirl

    March 6, 2017 at 6:46 pm

    How many women has he groped and molested in his life?
    For him to do this knowing fully well that there were cameras, imagine what he will do or has done where there are none.
    As for the justifications for his behavior & the attacks on TBoss I’m not surprised.
    Nigeria is crawling with rapists & predators.
    The worst are the women who defend them.

  40. Concerned about beard gang

    March 6, 2017 at 8:27 pm

    Bella naija, you don’t need to put every single comment. You should also make an effort to get in touch with beats gang and get him help. We don’t have to wait till we hear on the news that he raped somebody before it becomes our business. His comments are worrisome. Pls Bella Naija do something

  41. Tizee

    March 6, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    I respect your opinion as you are rightfully entitled to it. However, I think there is merit in preventing someone else falling victim to this. Tboss trusted Kemen, that was not the first time he slept beside her and she actually made mention of how uncomfortable he made her feel. She thought nothing of it, when she woke up and found him beside her, which means she “trusted” him! I do not know about you but I would rather be told a 1000 times to be careful, to look out for predators and avoid them like a plague than to fall victim once.

  42. artklub

    March 7, 2017 at 11:23 am

    i am disgusted by the men defending kemen. i didnt watch the show. and i dont have to. a good percentage of nigerian men are raping and molesting children and women left and right. fact! they are not being punished or called out fast enough. predators are among us. and please take note: sexual abuse is a disease that is spreadable. like zombism. people just pass it on. victims of molestation go on to become molesters. fact. they need to be quarantined asap and the issue dealt with head on. but what happens is that its not discussed, the victim is shamed, the predator gets away with it, the cycle continues. i am so glad for this event if not for the sake of discourse.

  43. Blag man

    March 8, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    What Kemen did was totally wrong! My annoyance is that so much attention is paid to this, meanwhile a female housemate kissed a man without consent. While he slept. My question is; if a man did that to a woman who refused his advances, would that be considered an assault?

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