These days, there’s a lot of emphasis placed on finding The One; that special person that after the exchange of vows, you will love for the rest of your days. However, have you ever asked yourself if you are capable of being someone else’s one?
I just finished watching the above titled Tedx Talk given by Tracy McMillan and Tracy emphasises in her talk, that the person you really need to marry is you. In so doing you learn about yourself, you learn to love yourself as you are, at the stage in life that you are, and then ultimately, you learn to love others in the same way. You then give the kind of love you already give to yourself, and you hope to receive.
You see, the reasoning behind this is that as you find what within you is broken, you fix it, you become a better version of yourself, and in so doing become a better daughter, sister, wife and ultimately mother.
One thing I keep saying about dating in Lagos is that, it is not that we do not have a large quantity of men, we do. The issue is that the large quantity of men are of such low quality.
You might ask me what do I mean?
We have a lot of men with a lot of baggage who haven’t taken time to deal with their issues. In either their complacency, arrogance or ignorance they expect the women they date to accept them as they are with all of their issues. The problem with doing this, is that their issues affect their ability to attain and maintain healthy relationships, emphasis here on healthy relationships.
I have seen men that have: (a) inferiority complexes, (b) inflated sense of selves (large egos), (c) commitment issues, (d) daddy and mummy issues, (e) sadistic tendencies deriving from their inflated sense of selves, (f) various insecurities…the list is endless. All these issues left as they are whether one realises it or not affects the pace, flow and longevity of a relationship, especially if one is dating a woman who realises her worth.
“I have commitment issues but I really want to be in a serious relationship and get married.”
Does that sound familiar?
Or, “I definitely want my wife to work, just so long as she isn’t farther in her career than I am, or so long as she doesn’t earn more than I do.”
It is impossible for such a statement to be made and a relationship will not be affected by it. It is really one or the other. If you realise you have commitment issues what are you doing to fix it? What steps are you taking to ensure that this issue is solved? Is it a lack of trust? Is that you have not completely healed from your previous relationship? Is it that you are scared to love for fear of having your heart broken?
Whatever the reason is, you need to be honest with yourself, look within yourself, do some due diligence and make realistic steps towards healing.
You see, if everyone (both men and women) took time out to do some serious introspection, relationships will be better off as a result. You will end up going into a relationship with someone who is as physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually whole as they can be, thereby ensuring that are capable of giving the best quality of love they can give to their partner.
Going back to Tracy’s talk, this can only be if you learn to love yourself, if you marry yourself. By learning to love yourself, you see what is broken and fix it. You learn to heal yourself. You rely on yourself, and you grow in confidence and self-worth. By so doing, you are clear about your wants, needs and expectations. Furthermore, you do not go into a relationship broken, making certain decisions or statements with damning consequences that could have be avoided. Additionally, you release the pressure on yourself to change who you are to suit the needs of a man rapt with insecurity, who is certainly not worthy of you.
You should be enjoying the benefits of his emersion into your world, how his love is a positive addition to your life rather than dealing with the battle of filling the void you or he has in your hearts, minds, bodies or souls.
The beautiful thing about love is that you love the person as they present themselves to you, each and every single day. Imagine the state of health of your relationship if you both work on yourselves making sure you are the best versions of yourselves you can possibly be. Not only will you be much happier, but your partner will thank you for it.
What do you think? Do you need to marry yourself?
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