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Vanessa Willie: Tonto Dikeh & the Lifespan of Love

Vanessa Willie

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“Mud Slinging is so much fun, when you do it to others. But remember the day someone else does the same to you,you’ll realise how bad the mud in your mouth tastes. Think twice before you go around ruining the reputation of others. Because what goes around comes around for sure.” Rachitha Cabral

Almost everyone is aware of the recent hullabaloo erupting from Tonto Dikeh’s social media pages. But I wonder if I’m the only person who is puzzled by the vitriol. If like me you have been wondering how love sours and goes to hell so quickly, then you’ll understand my reasons for being shocked.

So how does someone go from deep love to raging hatred? Are bitterness and hatred a part of love that only manifests itself after the love has faded?

Recently, people have gained popularity at the expense of their epileptic relationships. They blast their spouses in public and gain fame. First, it was Tiwa Savage, then Toke Makinwa ‘baring it all’ (a.k.a On Becoming). Today it’s Tonto Dikeh! Much as her tear-filled interview was heartbreaking, it was also depressing. These celebrities are so naïve, they can’t see through the schemes of gossip-thirsty bloggers and OAPs, who delight in making money off their misery.

So she (Tonto Dike) was sitting in front of an interviewer who feigning concern, probed and fished for juicy stories that might ramp up their social media ratings and Tonto couldn’t even protect her dignity? Whoever convinced her that she had suffered more than any woman that ever lived? I’ve heard people say things like: “women are dying because they are not talking about their pains and problems,” or “I tell my story because I want to control the narrative.”

Crap! Absolute Crap! Pardon my French but I totally think it’s crap.  Playing the blame game and acting the victim has become the norm. At the risk of sounding judgemental (even though that’s not my intention) I believe there are better ways to share your life experiences to motivate and help other people so they avoid certain traps. But why vengefully seek to tear down the reputation of someone you openly professed to love especially when you have a child with that person?

It just shows pettiness and a lack of maturity! Don’t forget that your child will grow up someday and that the internet never forgives or forgets. You’re a celebrity because of your talent. What happens in your personal life should stay private.

Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve read ‘On Becoming‘ and all you’ll want is for the Maje guy to burn in hell. It’s not surprising that the book got that much buzz because in reality, that book chronicles probably 8 out of 10 women’s stories worldwide. And there are few things women love more than a pity party. And no, this isn’t another case of women being each other’s worst enemy. I don’t hate Toke. I can’t hate someone I don’t know. I am only concerned about this new shaming and naming culture.

We love Tiwa; she’s an awesome entertainer. We love Toke for her flair and verve. W also love Tonto; the amazing actress. But there is something terribly immoral about publicly tearing down your spouse and baby’s daddy, someone you sworn for better for worse with. It makes the world question your character and intentions. Is this now a new strategy for remaining popular and relevant? Did Toke even consider that her ‘tell all’ tradition might scare off eligible bachelors? Surely, every sane man will fear that his flaws will be fodder for her next bestseller, where she’ll quote long passages of scripture.

It’s fine to become very Christian but be warned: God cannot be mocked. You can’t expect God to vindicate you when you have advanced with your chariots to be your own soldier and advocate. I worry that my daughter will grow older and ask questions about love. I want to proudly tell her that love is not blasphemous, not shaming, not self-seeking. Love doesn’t quickly sour like evaporated milk left overnight on the kitchen counter. When it hits the rocks, please show a little kindness irrespective of how devastated you are. The love code mandates you to continue to support that person, even when its over. Love is not for the spineless. If you don’t have the spine for it, don’t play. Love is not about sex and money. Love requires commitment.  And if, for any reason, you can’t cope, walk away and acknowledge your part in the whole thing. Have the decency to take some responsibility for your choices. Resist the temptation to become famous and rich at the expense of the person you swore to love for better or worse.

To all the single people aspiring for marriage out there, don’t be deterred by the failing marriages. Many other marriages are blossoming. Look to celebrities like Tara Durotoye, Betty Irabor, Joke Silva, Omotola Ekehinde, TY Bello, Gloria Young and the list goes on and on. Love is a beautiful phenomenon, especially when you know what it really means. A God marriage is hard work but is quite enjoyable. Take time to study positive material on successful marriages. They will help you make the right decision. But If things fall apart, nonetheless, pull yourself together. You will emerge wiser and stronger and with your dignity intact. If you need to speak to someone about your relationship and don’t have anyone, feel free to email me on [email protected] I’ll give you my time for FREE!!

VANESSA WILLIE She is a certified Marriage and Relationship Coach from The Institute for Marriage and Family Affairs, USA. with more than 6 years’ experience. She is the founder of Janessa Foundation International and host of the radio talk show; TheTalk with Vanessa on Dream 92.5fm.

117 Comments

  1. Mawi

    March 13, 2017 at 7:27 pm

    Get ready Vanessa, get ready. They are so coming for you! ?

    • BetterKnow

      March 14, 2017 at 8:53 am

      It is good that people are starting to realize the kind of rubbish that will no longer be tolerated in society. Nigerian women are waking up! There is a generation of strong women that will not take the crap our mother’s took . A generation of women who are not marriage-crazed and know their entire worth is not tied to a man. Abusers should not be tolerated in society.
      Women like Vanessa Willie is exactly what we are trying to flush from society. Enablers of the worst kind and enemies of social progress.
      Vanessa, you are a counsellor? I shudder to think of all the poor victims you have indoctrinated with the bile you just spilled on BN. Change your occupation darling. x

  2. Teekay

    March 13, 2017 at 7:38 pm

    Vanessa this article is ? percent accurate.. but if you keep reading this books it will become what you read and you start acting it… people no longer love anymore we just look for what is convinent and we follow suite..what happens to the extra mile,compromising and all ,we have put that into trash.. Everybody wants to go with the easy way out and then when everything is not rocky we quit.. Nobody wants to put effort anymore hence we arrive at this kind of life… i wonder what this generations will tell their children when we are old..

    • Mawi

      March 13, 2017 at 8:05 pm

      It’s not even the quitting that’s annoying. It’s the whole ‘nyash opening’ afterwards. Really, it’s unbecoming. Especially when innocent kids are involved, haba. When u have a child, u should no longer be the center of ur own universe. You owe it to that child to protect them and give them the best life possible. You owe it to them because they didn’t ask to be born! You chose to bring them to this world out of ur own selfish desires so do them right! But I guess so many people do not understand this and will keep putting themselves first. Hence, the lack of respect, the adultery, the fights, the public mud slinging against your child’s other parent. Everybody is acting according to his/her own selfishness. Truth is, Selfless people make the best friends, partners, parents and overall, they make the best human beings.

      In other news, I am single & searching. Any correct, single guys available? 😕

    • Mary

      March 14, 2017 at 12:25 pm

      I do not totally agree with you Vanessa and Co. A celebrity has no privacy, even if she does not make her affairs public people will help her make it public bcos she is a public figure. So dear I really don’t see anything wrong with what Tonto did I hope it happens to you or a female very close then you will agree with Tonto. I am also a victim, please do not allow women to die in silence. Thank you

    • WarriChic

      March 13, 2017 at 11:56 pm

      This article is repulsive and the reason so many women die in silence all in the name of marriage. Why should we protect an abuser with silence? Why should our children see that this kind of behaviour and dynamic in a marriage is okay to tolerate? How many of you would love your daughters to suffer in silence?

    • ab

      March 14, 2017 at 12:38 am

      She’s talking about naming & shaming in the public space. Dearie you can walk away from an abusive marriage or relationship without bringing to the public! It’s simple keep private things private & give yourself space , deviod of people you don’t know to heal #thatsall mami

    • WarriChic

      March 14, 2017 at 1:07 am

      And yes, I support naming and shaming! These women are celebrities and operate on a public platform. Thus speaking on such issues can enact social change.
      Some men (teebillz and Tonto’s ex husband for example) don’t think twice when it is time to beat you up, sleep with everything in skirt, get other women pregnant or spread lies about you in public. So why should the woman be the one to sit like mug and keep quiet? Why keep silent for someone that does not respect you or themself? Rubbish

    • Jean17

      March 14, 2017 at 7:54 am

      Very irritating article! The part that annoyed me the most is when she said, Tonto wasn’t considering that she could be scaring away potential suitors.

      This marriage mentality that has finished most of you Nigerian women. Desperados!!!

    • Ajayi Oluwabukola

      March 14, 2017 at 9:45 am

      God bless u,I read this article with so much anger in me. What happens to the benefit other women in similar situations derive from this celebrities throwing the limelight on domestic abuse. They have the platform to enlighten other women to walk away when the marriage becomes threatenin, and what better way than to share their stories

    • surry

      March 14, 2017 at 11:39 am

      loving every bit of your write up. truth be told, we tend to mix lost for love, love can never hate to the extend of destroying the other party,am a married woman and i know exactly what it means to work on your marriage in other to make it glow and when it seem impossible to mend work away peacefully. Marriage isn’t a bed of roses but our lackadaisical attitude is destroying a whole lot.

  3. Ify

    March 13, 2017 at 7:56 pm

    Good article. But I wonder why you had to give examples of couples who are still together. If they break up tomorrow nko? Is that not how Tiwa Savage and hubby were couple goals here on BN before fowl yansh open? And also, saying potential boos will run away because of Toke’s book. Lol. Really? That’s not a good enough reason to not write her book.

  4. dd

    March 13, 2017 at 7:58 pm

    But what is this judgmental crap?

    • Bleed Blue

      March 14, 2017 at 9:31 am

      I felt the same way while reading some bits and then I also found myself applauding her while reading some other bits. All in all, I think there’s definitely something good to take away from the article.

      However, where she says:
      “If you need to speak to someone about your relationship and don’t have anyone, feel free to email me”

      ….hmmm I don’t know Vanessa, I don’t know if I will feel free to email you. From this article, you seem like you’ll be rather proficient at giving a harsh dose of scolding. 🙁

  5. Cath

    March 13, 2017 at 8:01 pm

    It is better that they are talking! What is it? Is it not better that someone learns from them or some women somewhere is encouraged? Women have been keeping quiet, how has it helped? For me, any woman that is battered by her so called husband, should scream it out on the roof tops

    • nene

      March 14, 2017 at 12:44 am

      what are you learning? all that’s happening today has happened before, so nothing new to learn.

  6. Rubby

    March 13, 2017 at 8:02 pm

    I agree with you 100%

    • A Real Nigerian

      March 13, 2017 at 8:20 pm

      Hey I called you a fool before BN deleted my comment, just thought you should know,

    • Fashionista

      March 14, 2017 at 1:32 pm

      Haba real Nigerian!

  7. A Real Nigerian

    March 13, 2017 at 8:07 pm

    BN POST MY COMMENT.

  8. A Real Nigerian

    March 13, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    What is this? What did I just read? And this is coming from a woman? Wow.

    What an utterly idiotic article.

    So this is the way you want to bring up your daughters? Essentially telling them to suffer in silence or leave and keep quiet because they swore “for better, for worse”. Gtfo here with your bulls%%%.

    Someone got abused mentally and physically and all you care about is how and why she tells her story. Typical Nigerian mentality. It is a big shame that the foolish woman who wrote this has had her mind policed by the patriarchy.

    “Whoever convinced her that she had suffered more than any woman that ever lived?”
    Because I have a headache and you have a migraine invalidates my pain and gives you the right to talk down on me?

    “Playing the blame game and acting the victim has become the norm.”
    Did you not see the evidence of abuse or is it impossible for that goat to beat her up? How is someone who gets beat up playing the victim? Oh wait, are you one of those foolish women who blame rape victims that they shouldn’t have dressed the way they did?

    “But why vengefully seek to tear down the reputation of someone you openly professed to love especially when you have a child with that person?”
    I can’t believe this. You are actually defending the “reputation” of a wife beater and abuser? So the reputation of an abuser is all that matters here?

    “It just shows pettiness and a lack of maturity! Don’t forget that your child will grow up someday and that the internet never forgives or forgets.”
    Yes. That child will grow up some day and learn that his father was a beast and that it is WRONG for men to behave this way.

    “The love code mandates you to continue to support that person, even when its over.”
    Wtf is love code? – stupid.

    This article is an embarrassment, but surely not as much as the author herself. Your callousness and lack of empathy are really overwhelming. Your tragic, pitiful, pathetic and laughable attempt at being outspoken is shameful and is a testament to the rotten, archaic mindset of Nigerian women today. The fact that you actually had a mimd so depraved and so empty enough to write this disgusting pile of crap makes me pity you.
    No, you are not judgmental. You are a sorry, cruel, self-righteous piece of sh%% and a you are a failed human being. I truly feel sorry for your daughter if this is the narrow-minded, woeful and wicked soul she has for a mother.
    Shame on you.
    – YOU YOU STUPID -.

    PS: BN DO NOT DELETE THIS COMMENT. THIS IS NOT A – JOKE. THIS – AUTHOR HERE HAS THE GUTS TO ATTACK AN ABUSED WOMAN AND BRING HER CHILD INTO IT SO JUST SHE CAN ENABLE HER DISGUSTING IDEOLOLIGIES AND GAIN VIEWS. SHE DESERVES EVERYTHING SHE GETS. -.

    • Chief

      March 13, 2017 at 10:56 pm

      There she go with her patriarchy bashing…..Misandrist like You tend to ascribe all social ills to patriarchy.To you patriarchy is responsible for domestic violence.Anyone,man or woman who doesn’t subscribe to your dogma is believed to be possessed by the influence of patriarchy.I have read so many of your comments where you defined patriarchy as a system of dominance in which men oppress women but listen patriarchy is one the things that allowed the human specie to thrive.To completely abandon patriarchy would be a clear break with the past, a model in which men lead/preside and women obey/hearken can be found throughout scripture and our African tradition.

      “ON WOMEN PLAYING THE BLAME GAME AND ACTING THE VICTIM HAS BECOME THE NORM”.

      Of course yes,about three in five victims of domestic violence are men,men are assaulted by their partners which are often ignored by society.The number of men attacked by wives/girlfriends is much higher than thought.Culturally it’s difficult for men to bring these incidents to the attentions of the police.Men are reluctant to say that they have been abused by women because it’s seen as unmanly and weak.Men can be victims of domestic and you should acknowledge it too.I see that domestic violence is been politicized by the disgruntled misandrists like you and used as a vehicle to tarnish men as being innately abusive towards women.Meanwhile study shows that Men tend to stay in abusive marriage/relationship more than women.

      Why don’t you tell woman to respect men physical strength and forbearance and also they should stop initiating/triggering violence.If you don’t hit/slap a man or verbally abused him,he’s very unlikely to hit you.Are you saying that men shouldn’t be allowed to defend themselves when attacked by violent partner? Why don’t you tell women that men demand obedience from them.Traditionally and biblically women are asked to be submissive to their men.

      I have come to believe that the main focus of this generation is gynocentrism.Misandry is just common consequence of gynocentrism.I noticed that advocating for women requires blaming men.

    • EE

      March 14, 2017 at 5:47 am

      1. Either ARN has blackmail materials on the BN mods

      or

      2. All you people that deny us better gist in the name of BN will delelte can go find another excuse.

      At the end of day though, this changes nothing. Tonto’s broadcasting won’t end D-V. Only society can.

      Also have you considered what might be the consequences if people become callused to the issue due to over exposure. I mean, what is the difference between the South Korean reaction to their President’s corruption (alleged) and the Nigerian one, if not overexposure.

      The day people shrug and move on at cases of DV, might not be far away.

    • MsE

      March 14, 2017 at 10:10 am

      Thank you. And seriously Vanessa, stick to what you know. Unless you have been in such a situation before, keep your mouth shut! You don’t know what we went through. You don’t know how many times we cheated death. You don’t know how our kids were beaten up too. If we want to shout, we will!!! And if you don’t like it, go and hug a bloody transformer.

      Jesus! Women! We are our own worst enemies.

    • Ferrari

      March 14, 2017 at 10:24 am

      I love love love love this!

    • Lily

      March 14, 2017 at 4:36 pm

      Omg @real Nigerian, you practically said some of the things i wanted to say. Needless say more yes i agree the article is very judgemental. Where the hell was lovecode when he battered her, hell when hundreds if thousands of men/ women battered and murdered their significant other. I agree with you that im also loving the new generation of Nigerian women standing up and against abuse as it seems our mothers generation took alot of rubbish.

      Now is the time to stand up and say no to what you believe in. Leaving silently means she could end up dead ‘silently’.
      Research actually shows that most women that die as a result of domestic violence die ‘AFTER’ theyve left and moved out of the abusers home.

      So we may never know the reasons shes speaking out sometimes its a form of damage control cos a person thats verbally abusive may say things like ‘im going to kill you’ and maybe poor lady felt unsafe.

      So now if anything happens to her he would be number 1 suspect hence he wouldnt dare and she can now sleep peacefully knowing that she wont have to worry about her baby being kidnapped or snatched from her as she sleeps.

      I applaud you Nigerian women keep speaking out, and against any form of abuse and leave the ones that want to hide in the cupboard.

      God bless our country!

  9. inky

    March 13, 2017 at 8:10 pm

    Commitment ke?
    com·mit·ment means;
    According to the “Merriam Dictionary”
    1.
    the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
    For example;
    “Tonto was committed to the marriage, by staying after the first blow”

    So when her spouse is beating her to a pulp , she should stay put abi? People think O! According to Tonto, she has have a STDs, had to pull woman off this man, he caused her to have miscarriage etc. Vanessa!! Vanessa Willie!! If be say Ms Dikeh is your daughter, sister , cousin will you tell her to stay.

    Lets say Ms. Dikeh is the easiest to communicate or get along with . If the allegations are true , hussh vannessa and put Commitment as side. One of the major reasons why there is so much corruption and abuse in beautiful nigeria is because we like to hush and silent ppl to much..

  10. A Real Nigerian

    March 13, 2017 at 8:19 pm

    Hahahahaha!!
    BN well done. Keep on deleting and holding my comments. Doesn’t hide the fact that the author of this article is a shame to womankind and a disgrace to humanity.

    • Ada

      March 13, 2017 at 10:01 pm

      Bia, tukwuru ala

    • nnowu

      March 13, 2017 at 10:30 pm

      Why are you angry at the [email protected] Nigerian,its just an opinion

  11. dhoney

    March 13, 2017 at 8:27 pm

    ….guys, I am just thinking aloud…we always pretend as if we were not warned even by God before taking the oath…”for better for worse”….That phrase has a lot of signficance that`s worth pondering on before taking that decision “I do”. Everybody has his own story…men too suffer in marriages o..if I open my mouth too, I will need 2 good hours to narrate what I went through in my own marriage but I will be guilty of what we are accusing Tonto and the likes of. Summarily, perseverance is a very important factor in marriage but of course when it `s tilting towards life threatening, borrow yourself brain and stay alive.

  12. Cee

    March 13, 2017 at 8:44 pm

    Woman are you serious. So u believe in the old school of thought where women should suffer in silence and when their daughters come to them cause they in the same dilemma you encourage the same suffering in silence which is past down to grand daughter and grate grand daughter. Aren’t you tired of this cycle of abuse. Or does this help you line your pockets. I know pple who refuse to speak out about their own problems, because they believe their problems are unique. Thus they suffer in silence. ‘My people suffer for lack of knowledge’ , this does not just apply to knowledge from the Bible.

  13. EGO

    March 13, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    Vanessa Willie your self-righteous rant is a clear cut case of women being their own worst enemy.
    Pray, tell how you completely forgot that before Tiwa spoke a word, Teebillz vomitted his gut all over the internet! Perhaps you did not also read that Tonto was accused of doing drugs whilst breast-feeding and pushing her mother-in-law down. You, lady are an enabler of the worst kind! Your article will make sense if you caution both men and women to get their acts together and keep their private business off social media. Till then, your write up will just be as good as the worst kind of self-righteous, meaningless, unobjective bigotry-laced drivel.
    NANSENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Tomisin Magz

      Tomisin Magz

      March 14, 2017 at 8:37 am

      Thank you! It’s the Tiwa’s part that got me stunned.

      Tiwa never gave an inkling that something was wrong with her marriage until TeeBillz started blabbing. TeeBillz accused her of cheating of him, not taking care of the house, not cooking etc. He rubbished that woman’s name all over IG & for a few days, she still didn’t speak until he almost committed suicide. And even when she talked, she still begged him to come back home & think about their child. And this writer had the nerve to accuse her of mud-slinging???

  14. Cuppy

    March 13, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    You have no right whatsoever to tell me how to grieve,where,for how long and on what platform.My story my pain my life my shortcomings my joys its all mine,I choose.
    Why do people feel entitled to educate people on their personal life journey. Social media has created an avenue to vent steam,please let whoever chooses,make use of it in the best way they deem fit.We stiffle individuals in our society so much,Depression is real,people are wired differently, if spilling helps her please let her be.
    Unfortunately, your stereotypes of amazing marriages,doesn’t work for everyone. I personally don’t have any role model for my marriage,I treat my marriage based on my understanding of scriptures at the time(t).
    Please BN writers live and let’s live,don’t glorify your career over someone’s right to expression.

  15. dhoney

    March 13, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    This our women sef….the bitter truth is that Tonto Dikeh is not anything close to a wife material and the ex-hubby is not a husband material as well. Both have skeletons in their cupboards.
    I laugh when I read some chicks messages here…you see a lady whose only knowledge about marriage is from a book, they will want to tell you what a marriage looks like, make una kontinu now

    • Mawi

      March 13, 2017 at 9:17 pm

      Exactly my point. Yet they decide to bring an innocent child into their dirty mix. Imagine what that child will grow up to read and hear. When the horseband decided to carry a mistress, beat her up, etc he definitely wasn’t thinking of his child’s welfare. When Tonto was busy ranting on social media rather than filing a police report and (at most) simply stating for once that her marriage is over due to whatever, she wasn’t thinking about her son either. Same with Tee billz & Tiwa. I really don’t care how people decide to treat their spouses or exes, but when a child is involved, we need to really consider him/her FIRST. Not you. Not the spouse. And certainly not the damn public! Let’s not let our emotions rob us of common sense please. You owe no one your story, but u owe ur child a reasonably stable life.

    • EE

      March 14, 2017 at 5:50 am

      Great point. Why we need child services ASAP in Nigeria IMO.

  16. Mary

    March 13, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    The writer said “gossip thirsty bloggers” That’s harsh. They are only doing their jobs, doing what they are good at.
    Mind you Tonto granted her the interview in the first place. Tonto is not naive, she is educated, she is an actress. So she perfectly knows what she is doing.

    Tonto is so lucky sha, I hardly comment on issues of this nature. But I find myself following her stories and giving my inputs. (Smiles)
    May God see her true.

  17. Mary

    March 13, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    “Through” I beg your pardon

  18. David Row

    March 13, 2017 at 9:34 pm

    Just wasted the last 3 minutes of my life reading this chap. Shame on you.. FYI, am a married man and no woman deserves to be maltreated in their marriage. Wish you same and let’s see how you take it. To all the good women out there, please run from any abusive relationship. Peace be on to you…

    • nene

      March 14, 2017 at 12:46 am

      you are not a man, stop lying

    • David Row

      March 14, 2017 at 9:38 am

      Am guessing your challenge is because you assume a Man can’t tell right from wrong? I am a Man and we both know it isn’t proper to abuse anyone in your relationship.

    • ola

      March 14, 2017 at 1:14 pm

      no body said don’t run. she only said when you run, remember not to wash your dirty underwear and hang it out publicly to dry.

  19. David Row

    March 13, 2017 at 9:35 pm

    Meant Crap*** not chap

  20. Engoz

    March 13, 2017 at 9:42 pm

    Tehehe, the problem is you people that get angry when people speak up. Why does it hurt you so much? Why do you readily want to cover evil? Seems evil reside in you.

    “What happens in your personal life should stay private.”

    So that you people can continue your evil with no restrictions? When evil is involved do not cover it. Shout and let the whole world know, alert other good people so we can deal with or ostracize the abomination you called a husband or wife. It is your duty as an upright citizen to alert society.

    “I am only concerned about this new shaming and naming culture.”

    No, shaming and naming is not new. It has been a tactic that has been used for centuries on women like yourself. You are only concerned that women are ousting their abusers and you hate it with a passion. You are only angry that the shaming is no more one sided like all sexual mores under patriarchy. Shame and stone the woman for being an adulteress, but excuse the man for being an adulterer. It is you with a problem not these women. You are just angry shaming is now a two way street.

    “Did Toke even consider that her ‘tell all’ tradition might scare off eligible bachelors?”

    It must be really hard for desperately marriage centric women to separate their thoughts and actions from whether it will attracts men or not. You need to grow out of the nonsense of associating your life’s decisions with if it will make you eligible to men or not. It just screams how extremely petty and childish you are!

    There was no need to go on a ‘love’ rant either to cover the existence of abuse in marriages. Christianity used to cover abuse, adultery, domestic violence in marriage is from the DEVIL. My daughter and son are going to know the difference between love and abuse and must be very vocal, name and shame if they smell any abuser near them.

    • Angeline

      March 13, 2017 at 11:28 pm

      Amen….I love your responses to the idiotic mess of the so called author.
      Shame on you Vanessa or whatever you called yourself..nonsense!

  21. Anon

    March 13, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    Summary of this – that you wrote
    #1 you think you’re too good for domestic violence or divorce to happen to you
    #2 you think you’re so good that if it does happen it’s something you can rise above better than the victims (who you assume you’re better than)
    #3 you think it’s best that victims keep quiet.

    Someday, someone will tell us what has come out of our culture of silence. Do not discuss domestic violence, do not discuss abuse, do not discuss rape or poor treatment just smile and pretend like everything is okay, till death. All we do in Nigeria is protect perpetrators, as the number duty of the victim is forgive and keep quiet.

    • David

      March 14, 2017 at 12:27 am

      You nailed it.

      She posits herself as superior in handling hurt feelings, and acts as though marriage is a one-night in a bar devoid of feelings. You can teach a child right or wrong, you can guide a man/woman if they’re going astray, but how dare you tell a anyone how to grieve? Crime of passion is forgiveable and holds little to no judgement, how much more the cries of deep-rooted pains and betrayal.

      The effrontery to list women who are still married to support her self-serving condemnatory article on her fellow women who refused to stay in abusive marriages and opted to speak up. I know of two women on her ‘marriage is sweet’ list who are conforming/conformed, either out of the validation remaining in such union brings or fear of our judgemenral society. Both are mutually dependent.

      The effrontery to leave her email and offer her time for FREE. I’d be DAMNED to email you if I have no one talk to.

      Nothing person will not see. I feel sad reading such article from a woman. What a shame. A crying shame…

  22. Akpos

    March 13, 2017 at 9:45 pm

    Get set Vanessa they are so coming for you. But your write up is the truth. I wonder where all the love they once professed went. Why are these ladies spewing hatred.
    Moreso these stories are one sided, a lot if people are already screaming crucify these men! Crucify them! No one has cared to ask these men for their own side of the story.
    It takes two to tangle so all these pity party and blame game ain’t gonna work, they should remember they had a part in the story.
    My dear ladies and sisters such actions only jeopardize your future, and scare good men from approaching you because when they remember the past them go need to protect themselves.
    I rest my case here.

    • Angeline

      March 13, 2017 at 11:30 pm

      What damn future? That a woman should keep abuse quiet so as to attract male suitors in the future is the most vile comment yet..
      What is wrong with some of you?

    • funmilola

      March 14, 2017 at 9:54 am

      it takes two to tango, not “tangle”….for there’ll be chaos when there’s a tangling and if you think you made sense, sorry is your case!

    • Debrella

      March 14, 2017 at 11:01 am

      Where is the love the man also professed when he beats, disrespect and sleep around with other women, yet you expect the woman to keep silent. Gone are those days”.

    • Honeymoon

      March 14, 2017 at 11:11 am

      you’re really an Akpos

  23. Speaking Ara

    March 13, 2017 at 9:49 pm

    I agree with this article based on one premise – why would you drag your former partner’s name in mud simply because the romantic relationship did not work out? If it does not work out, move on and if there was domestic violence involved, seek redress or justice. I don’t see any of the celebrities that have spilled about domestic violence actually going to court or police station to seek justice in order to let other people know that or teach people that, look out, you can’t get away with beating your spouse and go scott free. There has to be consequences.

    Don’t go about saying all sorts of negative things. What if your partner acts just like you spilling all the beans about you? Or you think you were without blame throughout the relationship? Just look at Tbills and Tiwa – I talk, you talk. What if the cycle had continued? The public then gets to know some sordid details about you. Things you entrusted to your partner in confidence. I for one know that I am not innocent. In short, if my husband as much as tells my mum some of the details of our fights, it would seem as if I am the devil. Same with him too. But we settle and move on. If for whatever reason our relationship breaks down, he goes his way, I go my way. I won’t go about saying all sorts about him because I know say I get my own for body and I wouldn’t want my innermost secret out. To the person that spills first – you think say na only you get mouth and fit insult?

    Then after saying all sorts of things, you call God. Have you seen God before? Do you know who he/she is? Everyone calls God as if they have seen him before. Human being when you dey see korokoro with your eyes, you never treat am well, na kon God when you never see you dey call. This epistle goes for both parties – men and women because there are also men who will rubbish their partners in front of their family and friends if things don’t go well,

  24. Bebe

    March 13, 2017 at 10:06 pm

    Vanessa Willie- Where on earth did you get your counselling education from? You are bad news!!! With all your experience as a counselor, you really think advocating for the abuser (physical, verbal or mental abuse is still abuse), is the best advice? You just placed the reputation of these abusers above the agony, pain, hurt and brokenness of the abused. Isn’t that part of what they cover in counselling 101?

    Shouldn’t your piece be to encourage women and men who are abused to get out while they are alive and seek help and list the various resources for those who might be dealing with this horrible menace that is ravaging our culture. Shame on you!! I would have really been more worried but I thank God that the new crop of women in Nigeria today are begin to speak up, the more the likes of you try to silence them the louder they will speak. They will shout it from the rooftops the abuse they are being dealt with to sound as a note of warning for others to be aware and not fall into the same mess that they did..

    As for you BellaNaija, please do a better job of hiring writers for your blog. This crap that Vanessa spilled here should never have been published. Her mindset is what we are trying to abolish in Nigeria, yet you are giving her a platform to continue to spread this tired and very foolish narrative that only a woman who has been brainwashed to thinking that as women we are always supposed to be secondary to a man, is capable of articulating and then sharing it.

    Vanessa, i hope you have a change of heart and stop promoting this archaic message you have unfortunately exposed. There is an awakening in Nigeria that no over-religious, patriarchal mindset can smother. You are in desperate need of a full mind reset. The jiggy is up for those that think like you and pressure the victims of abusers to die in silence, nobody buys the nonsense you are selling anymore. You either join the bandwagon or freaking step aside!!!!

    • MsE

      March 14, 2017 at 10:13 am

      Thank you. BN needs to do a better job.

  25. le coco

    March 13, 2017 at 10:08 pm

    What an ignorant writer.. You ma’am are the problem.. see you sighting examples. who told you those marriages are perfect? I am not saying that any marriage is perfect.. but abuse? should be spoken about.. stop shaming victims into silence..pls go nd review your nonsense experience.. u were probably trained by a quack

  26. Puzzles

    March 13, 2017 at 10:53 pm

    Madam Vanessa, E ku she o
    You are writing this article, feeling smug that what happened to Tiwa, Toke and Tonto can never happen to you.

    This life is funny o. No matter how righteous you think you are, as long as we live in this wicked world, chances are high that your boyfriend/husband will do one or more of the things Tee Blitz, Maje and Churchill have done to these women.

    When it happens to you or your family members or friends, advice them to keep quiet, you hear? Smh

    Nonsense. I hate it when a woman shames another woman for not keeping silent. My dear aunt died without enjoying her children because of a wicked man like these men. She might have been alive today if she spoke up.

  27. Busola

    March 13, 2017 at 10:55 pm

    This is the problem with us women, sometimes we are too emotional and we ignore objectivity. While I do not agree with the name dropping on this article, I think the writer has some valid points. First of all, nobody is above a divorce.. so writer, stay humble. But, it is indeed true that you shouldn’t fight dirty. You owe that to yourself… if not for anything, but for self respect. Also, I am a big fan of people taking responsibility for their decisions. If more women tried that, we wouldn’t sound like victims. Relationships breakdown as a result of so many things. You can never get the full picture outside, looking in.

  28. yinka

    March 13, 2017 at 11:03 pm

    blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

    Vanessa Shut up
    Youo sound retarded
    Go take your medication

  29. Deep Soul

    March 13, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    Whoever convinced her that she had suffered more than any woman that ever lived?
    A.K.A “You are not the first woman to go through it and you won’t be the last”

    – Playing the blame game and acting the victim has become the norm
    But what if it’s not a game nor acting. what if they really ARE the victim?

    – And there are few things women love more than a pity party
    You see Toke’s book as a pity party….really? And please speak for yourself

    – But there is something terribly immoral about publicly tearing down your spouse and baby’s daddy
    I agree with you but you know what’s even much more terrible? Privately tearing down your spouse physically and emotionally

    – Is this now a new strategy for remaining popular and relevant?
    Really? Toke made her husband impregnate another woman to remain popular and relevant? Tiwa made her husband take drugs to remain relevant? Chai….

    – Did Toke even consider that her ‘tell all’ tradition might scare off eligible bachelors?
    This almost perfectly sums up where this crazy article stemmed from. It’s all about the man….the woman doesn’t matter…this is the point where I feel a little sorry for you as it is evident that your world revolves around men only. No self-worth..

    – Look to celebrities like Tara Durotoye, Betty Irabor, Joke Silva, Omotola Ekehinde, TY Bello, Gloria Young
    This almost confirms your naivety (I refuse to call it stupidity). Because they are together means they have gotten it right abi? You are very OBVIOUSLY unmarried. Do you know the number of miserable people in marriages who appear like they have it all figured out? (Me inclusive). You are using your textbook knowledge to judge people who have done practicals. Oya continue.

    Your self-righteousness is unmistakable in your failed article.

    It is because of women like you that men walk around feeling like God himself. You better get schooled before you attempt to get married and please please please, ensure that you do not pass such nonesense thinking to your daughters.

  30. OJ

    March 13, 2017 at 11:25 pm

    See as dem ladies are just attacking this writer from left right centre….Hian!!! na so ee pain una reach? but let me ask, when a man complains of domestic or whatever form of abuse by a woman or his wife, why is it that you same ladies ranting here will never beleive him? why why??? it just goes to show that your minds have been conditioned to beleive the woman’s version is legit….no be una fault, after all EVE in the bible wasnt that logical too!! you people should leave the writer alone abeg.

    • tunmi

      March 14, 2017 at 2:41 pm

      Actually we do. There aren’t a lot of them but the few that has been here, we do.

  31. concerned9a

    March 13, 2017 at 11:34 pm

    In the Nigerian context nah….
    The only reason we getting to hear about these women’s travails is because they Celebs…
    There are countless women from Lagos-Aba-Kaduna and every village and hamlet in Nigeria suffering in silence..with no celeb status to carry their tales of woe.
    Abi you missed the Airforce girl that got shot by her supposed BF on some flimsy excuse??

  32. WarriChic

    March 13, 2017 at 11:42 pm

    Dear Author of this Article, Vanessa Willie,

    Women like you DISGUST me.
    Women like you are the problem with Nigeria.
    Women like you enable all kinds of evil against our gender – all under the guise of “society/culture/religion”
    Women like you are the reasons so many women suffer all manner of evil in the name of marriage and die in silence. After dying in silence – these same men that you worship, will victim blame the dead woman, ruin her reputation and then go on to swiftly marry another. Unfortunately the dead cannot speak or defend themselves. It is too late.

    To any woman suffering abuse, RUN and SPEAK UP. I am done with this hypocritical society of enablers. Abuse and suffering is not what God intended marriage to be.

  33. Angeline

    March 13, 2017 at 11:42 pm

    Tonto is strong, she will persevere, she will survive!!
    Her son will thank her someday—-contrary to the nonsense spewed by Vanessa .He will respect her..for standing up to violence ,distrust,betrayal and deceit…No one should raise a child under such roof!
    The same mouth that praises my spouse when he treats me like a queen, would be the same mouth to shout it to the top when/if he changes to a monster or cheats on me..I will not keep quiet to protect some man that does not respect ,nor protects me..Gone are those days when our mothers and great grands suffered in silence.
    Tonto’s husband tested her love..He assumed because she put him on a pedestal to the world that she would not dared disgrace him in public ..He assumed she would be so ashamed to tell the world about the fraud that he is because it would be an embarrassment to herself…Welllll ,he was WRONG!!!!

  34. concerned9a

    March 13, 2017 at 11:44 pm

    Sad thing is when they get battered to death….same people would come out saying why did she stay?….why did she keep quiet??
    9ja is a very judgemental and self righteous society albeit so much hyprocrisy..the exact opposite!!
    The Rich cannot explain their wealth accumulation…the moral vangaurds of the nation are just as corrupt…The Govt only cater for their immediate families….etc..etc..

  35. BNovak

    March 13, 2017 at 11:54 pm

    Dear Author, I read your article, and felt compelled to speak directly to you first, and then to the other readers who might be needing advice and came across your article.

    Vanessa, I feel sorry for you. What you have let yourself believe about yourself, women and relationships in general, is problematic. The fact that you felt encouraged to share this article on bella naija under your real NAME, shows that you truly believe what you wrote.
    I don’t have to insult you, because you have already insulted yourself. So you believe a woman being abused, should keep her mouth shut, because speaking openly about what she suffered at the hands of her abuser, will chase eligible bachelors away? Is that really where you are in this life, after 30/40 plus years on planet earth?

    You do not respect yourself as a woman, thankfully other women do. You can sit quietly and let yourself be assaulted by the man you can boyfriend or husband, but NO, other women who have DIGNITY and self worth will not do the same.

    While you believe you are nothing, in comparison to a man, other women will believe they are something. They will KNOW they have a right to name and shame any man who is so ill behaved and insane, that violence is their response to issues in their marriage.

    YOU are an embarrassment to yourself, and we need YOU to do us the favor you are asking from women who speak about their marriages, BE SILENT. Your words of advice belong in the trash can, right next to your relationship advice column or whatever the hell you think you are qualified to do. We do not need women like you SENDING women to an early grave. We do not need women like you, encouraging women to be STEPPED UPON in the name of being appealing to men.

    You disgust me.

  36. BNovak

    March 14, 2017 at 12:04 am

    Dear other women reading this article. Please know that God created you for more than just being a punching bag for a violent man, God created your lips for more than uttering submissive statements you do not believe to please your man. God gave you a brain to do more than reduce your intelligence so as not to emasculate a man. You were created to be leaders in your own universes. You are brilliant and men should be only lucky to have you.

    Life is a journey, and with every journey there are ups and downs. An up might be a Job you just found, and a down might be an employee that makes your life hell at the job. So if you are unhappy and miserable at the job that you thanked God for when you found, is it your destiny to stay at a place that fills you with dread at the thought of waking up to it? No it is not. What you do is gain experience from the job, use it to build your resume, apply for a new position and get a new job. Not every person who comes into your life, be it friend, family or lover is a BLESSING. In the beginning they might come in that form, but if at any point you are met with bad intentions from a person you embraced, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR LIFE. Children in relationships of domestic violence and abuse have said time and time again, that they respected their mothers more for leaving. I repeat, children who have witnessed abuse in their family home, have insisted they had more respect for their mother or father leaving that toxic situation.

    Abuse, be it mental or physical is not your portion. For God to show you the evils of a man, and for you to insist this is not GOD himself showing you, is YOUR OWN STUPIDITY, God shows you, and you in return, should heed his word, and save yourself. If you can, warn other women from nestling with a monster. You can pray from him from a safe distance while working on continuing your own journey and bringing your children up in an environment that will not distort them in the long run.

    Please do not take heed to this article and this crazy woman. She was most likely brought up in an abusive home and is clearly damaged beyond repair. You have a chance to have a better life than the one she is insisting you accept. You are better than that.

  37. Mavi

    March 14, 2017 at 12:43 am

    I was sputtering with rage by the fourth paragraph of this RUBBISH and scrolled down to verify that the author was indeed a woman.
    Young lady, I hope you read through all of the comments here especially @Real Nigerian’s to Learn Something. I hope you don’t have friends or sisters who come to you for help and advice when they are battered and abused because your input could ultimately be responsible for their murders.

    You could have redeemed this garbage you wrote by addressing BOTH sides equally. It seems your selective memory only recalled Toke’s book, Tiwa’s interview etc. Besides the violence and cheating, how about the dirty accusations by their husbands on social media? Those are valid and allowed because they are men? If the women don’t speak up how will their sons learn how to be better men? Religiosity is not an excuse for mumusity. Sitting silent in the face of abuse is even more traumatic for the children who will repeat the cycle as victims or perpetrators in the future. Take it from those of us who know about these things.

    You still have a lot to learn and I for one pray that fate doesn’t throw a Maje, Churchill or Teebilz into your life.

    • EE

      March 14, 2017 at 5:54 am

      Fellow reader as surprised as me, MaWi is different from MaVi.

  38. ab

    March 14, 2017 at 12:54 am

    Chai most Naija chicks have been emotionally battered! Even objectivity has taken a back seat! Y’all read this article & be wise in ur comments Biko… This is her opinion , y’all have yours , y be abusive if you don’t agree? Simples , don’t air your dirty laundry in the public … And yes there is dignified way to do it if you wanted to! Even celebrities will kill to have privacy when going through messy rship drama but the z listers, wanna be want it splashed on all news sites- doesn’t that tell you smth of a person’s character… There are women who have suffered domestic violence, sexual abuse etc who have used that to help others by setting up NGOs or charities that support others, or get trained up in that field so they become a voice to others goin through what they have experienced, they didn’t splash it all over d news ! It’s only the desperate that calls attention to themselves … Read & comprehend ! Most of y’all are highly educated people!!! Well written article mami..

  39. Debee

    March 14, 2017 at 1:02 am

    What i got from this article is that the author would rather read about another woman dying because of domestic violence,she would rather see pictures of women battered and killed in their homes by husbands who felt so much manlier when he beats his wife. She would rather see a woman walking around with low self esteem than the one speaking up against domestic violence, I feel so that after all the things these women have been through another woman is standing as judge and jury telling them to go back decades ago when silence was the norm.

  40. Debee

    March 14, 2017 at 1:03 am

    * i feel so sad

    • Yup

      March 14, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      Emotions getting the best of you. That the article makes you feel sad shouldn’t stop you from being objective because what you got from this is not what she was actually saying.

  41. Solomon

    March 14, 2017 at 2:25 am

    Bellanaija, please, would you please post the well written message of encouragement to Tonto and all DV victims written by Jessica Opare.

    instagram.com/jessicaosgh/?hl=en

  42. Her Excellency

    March 14, 2017 at 2:33 am

    1st things 1st. Please if you are in any form of abusive relationship, run for your life. It’s better to hear the story from afar than oh! It’s a pity we lost her or him.

    It is well with you (Tonto). This is part of the norms of being a Celebrity. People talk about your life with or without your permission.

    Now the big question is who really cares! A whole lot of us write things here because one person said this or the other person supported this or that. But do YOU REALLY CARE?
    or you just want to hear the latest gist about what is going on in Tonto’s life.

    One of the major causes of all this is that some people marry for the wrong reason(s) and the results of such decision is what we are seeing today. You know before he married you that he is a womanizer, where you expecting that you can change him? No way. It’s only God that can change a human being.

    Life is a journey and however you want your life to be so shall it be.
    There is a tiny line between love and hate. Words spoken can be forgiven but never forgotten. Let’s mind what we say.

    Nessa you said your piece and to a greater extent I understand the message you are pushing out to the public. What are we teaching this our young ones about love. What examples are we showing to them. Soon nollywood will make it their full point of duty to show case all this negativity in to the world.

    Nobody said you shouldn’t speak out when you are being abused but tell your story that at the end, one will learn something meaningful from it.

    I pray for Tonto’s child that God will be with him
    all the days of his life. That the mistakes of his parents will not catch up to him. I also pray for Tonto that you will experience peace in your every area of your life In Jesus name Amen.

  43. Mywifeisfiiiiiiiiiiiine

    March 14, 2017 at 3:41 am

    The response from the women folk on this platform is disappointing to say the least. Responding like touts in a motor park, make a coherent argument and get your points across without spewing so much bile. The only strength I see in some women folk on this blog is in abusing people. Where are the strong women who are lawyers, law enforcement officers, law makers, CEO’s, Pastors, teachers; all areas of life una dey there. Be the change you want, why can’t we get a female lawyer, a female law maker and a female law enforcement officer to succesfully prosecute just one person to the very end for domestic violence? Get us arrested and humiliated every time we do it and see if we won’t start to learn. You all come here to make noise, rubbish. Please let the real women stand up and be counted, not all these fake ewarriors parading about as feminists.

    • Mary

      March 14, 2017 at 12:48 pm

      I want to believe you are under age that’s why you could ulter all these abussive words on a social media. Non the less I still say ‘experience is the best teacher’.

  44. The real dee

    March 14, 2017 at 4:41 am

    Before you started throwing insults at the author. Did any of you think BN may have posted this because they know some BNers would see this and just tear pant and start fighting and ofcourse you would throw caution to the wind and beat the author up.

    I read the article and then read the comments and was wondering if I read the same article. You may not agree with her opinion but the point of her article wasn’t that a woman should remain in an abusive relationship but that you shouldn’t air your dirty laundry in public. Deal with it privately, contact the necessary agencies but don’t start granting interviews and giving details into what happened. Does the public really care that much. Since we read Tonto’s story, how many of us have actually prayed for her or reached out to her with a word of encouragement? Let’s be honest. Many of us just want juicy gist so we can talk about it. Even the lady who interviewed Tonto didn’t seem to care about her ordeal. She just wanted details. No compassion, no empathy.

    However, I agree that the author seems insensitive to the plight of those who are going through domestic violence. But we can disagree with her without calling her terrible names. Infact enlighten and sensitize her but not insult her.

    Abeg o, no come insult me o. I don’t agree with your opinion doesn’t mean you should break my head.

  45. K-i-real!

    March 14, 2017 at 4:47 am

    @realnigerian is very spot on and has expressed my exact sentiments and response to this ridiculous article, so I do not need to repeat.
    @chief it’s either you just write for the sake being controversial or you have refused to be objective in your thinking! So because a man is being abused and he refused to make it public because of his stupid ego, it therefore justifies abuse of a woman and the need to be silent about it?!
    You have said it yourself that this patriarchy is the reason the so called abused men refrain from going public. You have reinforced the arguement that this is the major cause of the dysfunction in our society. It takes a lot of courage and inner strength to come out with the truth of every domestic abuse or personal suffering! It is not a weakness as your so called “patriarchy” suggests.
    Any form of abuse against any gender should be exposed for the wrong that it is and in order to deter other offenders period!
    In case you are being abused by your spouse @chief, please there’s a lot of help out there for you. (who knows?…. this might be reason for your apparent lack of insight!) Please don’t die in silence in the name of being a “strong and masculine”…..
    Please let’s think before we type!!!

  46. Tomisin Magz

    Tomisin Magz

    March 14, 2017 at 8:56 am

    I just need to know; were you not in this Nigeria when TeeBillz went on a rant on IG; calling Tiwa all sorts of things?
    And even while he was doing that, Tiwa didn’t say anything to defend herself & people started saying maybe TeeBillz was saying the truth. It wasn’t until TeeBillz almost committed suicide that Tiwa spoke up. And yet, you managed to pour all the blame on a woman who tried to redeem her image?
    Same with Tonto, she was accused of being violent towards her MIL & breastfeeding while on drugs before she even started saying anything.
    I’m not a fan of mud-slinging an ex but i believe that if accusations are flung at people (men or women), people have the right to defend themselves!
    Your article would have been so good if you didn’t sound that condescending! Tah!

  47. demashi

    March 14, 2017 at 9:04 am

    Irrespective of whatever you guys are saying here, Vanessa’s treatise here is the TRUTH! It takes two to tango, one party always wants to present the other in a bad light while ignoring their own contribution to the debacle. As long you were not forced into a relationship or married to a maniac, both parties are culpable when things do go south.

  48. Billionaire in grace

    March 14, 2017 at 10:03 am

    Dear Writer you are right..i was so fustrated by Tonto Dikeh and husband scandal.wondering why will this thing called love which is supposed to be beautiful turn out to be a sorrowful experience. But thank God we have the holy spirit to direct us

  49. my observation.

    March 14, 2017 at 10:36 am

    Most women with negative comments here have gotten so worked up about this article that they have lost all form of objectivity and gone on an emotional rant.

    Learn to be objective even when your emotion wants to get the most of you.

  50. Vanessa Willie

    March 14, 2017 at 11:01 am

    Lol. Unfortunately, pain blinds people from seeing the obvious. I don’t remember encouraging anyone to stay in an abusive, violent relationship. The message clearly was about SHAMING your EX. But I guess your bitterness couldn’t let some people see past their noses. Smh. Cyber bullying only affects children. I appreciate all your responses especially the toxic ones. It has opened my eyes to the needs and the areas of some you maybe needing education and will form the bases for my next article. Look out for it. BN, please post any comment No matter how toxic. Feedbacks are very good. Criticisms shouldn’t be taken personally

    • Ab

      March 14, 2017 at 1:07 pm

      Vanessa you article was bang on! The mean muggers on here are just bruised women who it would appear have become love lorned or annihilated by men emotionally… But guess what , what makes a real woman is the GRACE with which she speaks, carries herself and relates with others (including when others criticise ). Women need to wake up! It’s about time , in truth we need women who will tell the truth as it is , undiluted ! Right now? I’m ready to take the bullet myself and for every woman who speaks truth! I refuse to be seen as the angry, mad, ungraceful in speech African woman ! We talk about strength all d time , yet Strength is best seen /exhibited when you are literally walking through the fire and more so how graceful u walk through that fire! Smell the coffee ladies, pleaseeee, the stakes are high (we birth nations , men, women , are nurturers etc) we can’t be like this ? All trolling & bullying with our words… We are too smart for this! #lolrantover…#sorryforanytypos

    • Weezy

      March 14, 2017 at 1:24 pm

      You’re not a trained counselor. You are a charlatan and a troll feeding off of unexposed Nigerians. Your response alone proves that.

      It’s funny that the kind of people who agreed with you here are the exact kind who will NOT seek counseling from you. Talk about pissing where you eat.

      What on earth do you mean by “pain blinds people from the obvious” ? Are you insane? You really think that people here are offended by your post because they were hurt by men. You just proved the arguments of everyone that you are a typical uber traditional patriarchy loving Nigerian woman who goes out of her way to push down women who misbehave out of a desire to get approval from the patriarchy. That and you lack empathy, which makes you an especially toxic and useless counselor. I know Donald Trump is president of the US, but that does not mean we no longer need to be qualified and properly equipped for our jobs.

      I thought you had some interesting points in your article but you lost all credibility when you shamed Tiwa Savage for defending herself from public accusals, when you lamented about Tokes marriage prospects (you really are a child) and when you listed random celebrity marriages that you Vanessa KNOW for sure are good ones because you saw some pictures. How in the f do you know that TYBello isn’t suffering in her marriage? Are you her spirit animal? Are you a demon?

      Another commenter is right. You’re happy to shame women for speaking out , but you have no qualms about men and society shaming women for not cooking, not getting along with husbands mummy, not staying in broken marriages. The jig is up. Your kind is behind the times. Anyone who goes to you for counseling is wasting their time. They might as well go to you to fix their car engine.

    • Deep Soul

      March 14, 2017 at 2:36 pm

      Oh shush! You sound even more condescending!! You could have passed your message across without being so mean, condescending and self-righteous!! You nauseate me!

      And I’m usually not this emotional.

      Tueh!

    • BetterKnow

      March 14, 2017 at 3:05 pm

      Lmao! Vanessa Willie, you are really arrogant and do not come across well at all… (and she says we are the ones that need education) Wow, small-minded Nigerian women never cease to amaze me!
      Nobody is cyber bullying you boo. We are at a point in Nigeria where social change in needed – archaic, oppressive & patriachial schools of thought will not be tolerated! Really take time to reflect on these comments. x

    • bridget

      March 14, 2017 at 3:47 pm

      @Vanessa

      As you have directly asked for criticism/feedback……

      Whilst your intent of the article may have been to focus on not Shaming your ex/airing your dirty laundry in public, your approach and focus is really questionable and its what majority of us have an issue with.

      In your article you seem to ignore the extenuating circumstances in both the Tonto & Tiwa examples. Tonto – alleged domestic violence. Tiwa – drugs and financial irresponsibility.

      This is particularly shameful coming from a female who knows and perhaps has witnessed the effect of domestic violence amongst other issues of neglect and abuse that the average Nigerian wife may encounter.

      I believe that is our issue with your article! No one is blinded by pain or less objective or less articulate than you. Its just a case of some of your valid points being overshadowed by very bad messaging!! You really appear to condone the patriarchal view of “suffering in silence”.

      No one is saying air every argument you have with your partner or that the ex is a devil once the relationship is over. But if a partner has been abusive; a woman is entitled to shame that partner, past or present! and to be honest if a guy feels the same way he is entitled to as well. Guys already do this and we have accepted this as ok!

      BTW: its so funny,regarding the ladies you mentioned that have “blossoming marriages” – if TeeBillz hadn’t come public with some of his skeletons, will Tiwa Savage be on that list? before the whole saga she looked as happy as any of the couples you referred to.

      That just goes to show that YOU are missing one important message from the Tiwa/Tonto fiasco; a message that you as a counselor should be very aware of and could have emphasized in your article – “Things are not always as they seem in relationships/marriages”.

    • bridget

      March 14, 2017 at 3:49 pm

      I forgot to mention, where is your criticism of TeeBillz. You object to public shaming of the ex, far as I recall Tiwa & TeeBillz were still together when he started his “nyash opening”. which is worse? You did not mention anything about that. This is the issue we have with the article!

    • A Real Nigerian

      March 14, 2017 at 5:08 pm

      Lol??? What is making you laugh? You are a big fool o.

      “Pain blinds people from seeing the obvious”
      You are giving the impression that you are a happy woman without any pain, so what has blinded you from seeing the obvious and writing such an ignorant piece? Or is it that you are simply exceptionally dull?

      The message was shaming your ex? Did you ever think that the ex deserved shaming? But no, how can you think that? Your micro brain has been policed by the patriarchy to always keep quiet about abuse and give men a free pass.

      Bitterness? Loooool!! Look at the idiotic conclusion you are reaching. You are the typical bird-braines, arrogant, obnoxious Nigerian housewife. You have nothing in your head and you can’t bring up any counters so you resort to the cheap tactics of disregarding the opponents of your lazy, overused, stupid ideology.

      “I appreciate all your responses especially the toxic ones. It has opened my eyes to the needs and the areas of some you maybe needing education and will form the bases for my next article.”
      Hahahahahahahajahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
      Woooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
      Look at this moron with the IQ of a coconut trying to educate someone!!!?? And you want to write another article?? I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU.

      YOU CAN SIT ON YOUR HIGH HORSE AND FEEL YOU CAN TALK DOWN ON WOMEN WHO DIDNT HAVE IT GOOD IN THEIR MARRIAGES, BUT DON’T WORRY, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE READY TO ATTACK YOUR NEXT PIECE OF SH%% ARTICLE. DONT YOU FOR A SECOND THINK THAT WE WILL LET SELF-RIGHTEOUS, VINDICTIVE LOSERS LIKE YOU MASSAGE THEIR EGOS BY TALKING S%%% ABOUT WOMEN.

      KEEP ON BEING THE LAP DOG OF THE PATRIARCHY. I’M SURE YOUR HUSBAND IS LOOKING AT YOU AND FEELING PROUD OF HIMSELF. FEELING PROUD THAT HE SELECTED A WEAK, LITTLE B%%%H LIKE YOU WHO CANNOT THINK OUTSIDE OF WHAT THE PATRIARCHY PRESENTS TO HER.

      F%%k you and F%%K ANY IDIOT ON THIS THREAD WHO SUPPORTS YOU AND YOUR FOOLISH ARTICLE.

    • victory

      March 14, 2017 at 6:11 pm

      Don’t knw if u re a male or a female but which ever one yu re, u re an idiot for raining abuses on vannesa for this. Who d hell is tonto to u?? Is she d first to be in an abusive marriage? Y looking for pity from stupid fans like u…..have so much to tell yu but wont sound Cowardly like u.

  51. Amajor Amarachi

    March 14, 2017 at 11:11 am

    Thanks alot @VANESSA WILLIE for this amazing piece of article its really worth reading over and over again I initially shared same though with you until I realise that WHEN WE ARE NOT in PEOPLE’S SHOES, WE DONT JUDGE OR CRITICISE THEM FOR THEIR ACTIONS BCUS TRULY THEY WEAR THE SHOE AND KNOW SO WELL HOW IT ACHES THANK U

  52. TobeReal

    March 14, 2017 at 12:06 pm

    of course we care just like any case involving DV..we can’t directly intercede but we can lend our support via Social Media
    …and Tonto’s outcry might save a life…or might have saved hers…
    No silent dignity being 6 feet deep!!

  53. Keyna

    March 14, 2017 at 12:07 pm

    Vanessa, you are my girl, 100%. Article is so apt.

    Protecting dignity is rare these days and people have chosen to forget that LOVE though SWEET can be very CHALLENGING.

    The BIBLICAL/HEAVENLY type of love when exhibited is UNCONDITIONAL, while the WORLDLY type is CONDITIONAL. The sooner people realise that there will be STORMS in marriage as much as we should be positive at all times, the better.

    Life is a journey, it is a battlefield, everyone is a SOLDIER. Soldiers fight to win, and during wars, there are scratches and wounds. After wars, comes jubilation. Marriage in the same vein is a GODLY INSTITUTION/ a different type of WARZONE whether society likes it or not. One party might get wounded along the way, but the goal is to remain steadfast. It is crucial for people who intend to get married and remain so to study 1 CORINTHIANS 13: 4-7 extensively and critically before making their decision. They think loving another human begin is a joke.

    People need to really applaud God ooo. God loves the world despite the hatred, the killings, the disobedience, the idolatry, etc. People need JESUS not to be INTERVIEWED.

  54. Mary

    March 14, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    It is said that experience is the best teacher, I only pray that you or a female very close to you have a taste of Tonto’s experience, only then will you understand and Change your view

  55. ASSAM

    March 14, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    She will regret this I know ! I’ve advice her to take her troubles to the burden bearer. He’ll give both of them rest. His name is JESUS

  56. Favourine

    March 14, 2017 at 12:45 pm

    Easy for you to just sit down and judge Vanessa.. They are all celebrities so when the journalists and bloggers put out their breakup stories in the media so the public will know and comment why would they not respond. They stay in one location meanwhile the whole world has heard their stories even their distant family member gets to know because of social media. Why would they not air their own side. If they were not celebrities and they leave their husbands whose business would it be then to judge on a wide scale. For the fact Omotola has a good relationship does not mean you can measure the failed marriages with hers. There will always be good and bad, white and black, up and down, rich and poor, happy and sad and so on. Those women affected should rise up dust their bodies and move on. No one can detect your future so no write up should bring you down. Especially ones like these.

  57. Lee

    March 14, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    WHO WILL FIGHT FOR US MEN GOING TRU HELL. IF MEN CAN LOOK BEYOND THEIR EGO AND COME ALL OUT TO SPEAK. THE FIGHT SHOULD BE AGAINST ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE NOT ONLY WOMEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGES. ARE THERE NO MEN SUFFERING FROM EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE? ARE WE NOT HUMAN BEINGS? WOMEN EVERYWHERE COMPLAINING. MEN PLEASE SPEAK UP.

  58. Josephine

    March 14, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Vanessa, you only object to public shaming when its the woman talking. You don’t have an issue when its a man because T. Billz came out to insult Tiwa and her mother. Churchill accused Tonto of criminal acts. You take no issue with that. That makes you kind of sick. You say how can love become hatred and vitriol. Where did you see hatred and vitriol in Tiwa crying and dressed as if in mourning or Tonto who couldn’t last 10 minutes before she broke down. These are strong, glamorous, successful women who couldn’t front. Only love is stronger than pride, Vanessa. Its not hatred that made them break down in public. How can you not see that and not feel compassion? They never tried to profit from their pain, only to set to give their side. Even the men that hurt these ladies also hurt themselves. The whole thing is heartbreaking but you’re there saying crap, crap, crap. I feel sorry for you.

  59. BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE

    March 14, 2017 at 3:32 pm

    MR X (aka ,TONTO’S fmr God-sent husband)is Guilty for ”allegedly” abusing the wife no matter the provocation.TONTO de Little ill-mannerd crack head is Guilty for all her ”unbearable” distructive tendencies(let’s not forget her track record with fmr ex’s and colleagues) ,..BUT Vannesa!you are? …you are?….plz people use a proper adjective for this lady n her article.

  60. victory

    March 14, 2017 at 5:56 pm

    Vannessa thank u very much….u have said it all. May God bless u n give u more wisdom to encourage people.

  61. Joy Emmanuel Uma

    March 14, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    Pls what is she blahing about. Trying to support domestic violence, she against human right. For heaven sake,this women were in the first place accused wrongly, the look like they were the cause of thedownfall in their union meanwhile the were victims. Please you are a woman,and am dissapointed in you,for trying to make the victims feel guilty, pls they need your support now not your negative approach to them. Of course we all know that love still exist,but some are just not truthful about it,and sometimes this marriage of a thing is just God and luck. Go and tender your apology to Tonto Dike and Tiwa Savage.

  62. test

    March 14, 2017 at 9:02 pm

    You’re silly, i do hope it happens to you so you can show us how you will truly deal with it. Remember this my dear, things are better said than done.

    That being said who died and made you judge and jury as to how people should act, show emotions, or grieve?

    Because you believe your prescription is right does not mean how others choose to deal with things are crap….it is women like you that encourage other women to suffer in silence.

    Since you also dont know the concept or falling in and out of love or people changing, i do wish it happens to you so that when it does you can pull this article out, read it, and realize how much of an indecent fool you were to your fellow woman. Because you have not walked a mile as an abused. You think anyone want to e the victim, like being abused is a choice

    You and all those that think like you are a disgrace. And i pray in the Name of God you all do walk a mile in tonto or whoevers shoe. So you can be show us how to act from experience not sitting on the side lines and giving out your own silly 2 cents.

  63. test

    March 14, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    ps: miss writer….where is the article talking about tbliz when, lest YOU forget, he decided it was his duty to wash his family laundry outside while tiwa was suffering on the inside. But NO lets blame the woman….its her fault, shes playing victim. Dont worry your time will come

  64. Daughter of abused mother.

    March 15, 2017 at 1:45 am

    Hummm. Don’t even know where to begin. Yes we all say that word for better or for worse but not for better or for batter and death. Why is it ok for a woman to suffer in silence the cycle has to be broken and we have to break that cycle. It is not only women that suffer domestic violence men do too and the cycle has to be stopped on both sides. There has to be laws against domestic violence on both sides. I have read and heard of too many stories of women been beaten to death by their significant other all in the name of i want to stay in my marriage. If a marriage is not safe for you it is time to move on. You did not get married to him or her to become a punching bag you married him or her because you loved the person and you beloved the person whom you loved will not cause you harm. Our society does not help either because we have no safe haven. They look down on you and put a label on you that is not right.
    My mother thought all her girls to love their significant other but the day he feels it so ok for him to start inflicting physical and emotional abuse upon you it is time to go. You also need to help him by you both going for counseling and if that does not work you get out of the relationship and move on. No man is worth it. This is from a woman that suffered abuse from her husbands day in day out and one day she said enough is enough I don’t have to keep going through this. I have seen her beaten many times and I have seen her fought back with everything she has. Seeing that some kids will think it is the norm but my mom let all her kids know it is not the norm. No man should hit his wife and no wife should hit her husband. She let all my brothers know they do not hit their wives and none of them have ever done it because if they do they have my mom to contend with. She was a strong woman even when society looked down on her she held her head up and kept going and since then no man has ever laid a hand on her. She raised her 8 kids on her own with no help. Each and everyone of us got a college education and are all doing well. Who knows if she had stayed in her marriage she might have been dead now and not able to see her children and grandchildren. Am happy she stood up for herself and for us her children. This is to all the abused women and men out their your happiness does not lie with no one but with you. You have to stand up for yourself and don’t stay in an abusive relationship. Abuse is not only physical it can also be emotional, before you know it there will be nothing left of you. To all the abusers out there may God give you all the strength like the great courage my mother had to kick the her abusers to the curb and took care of her kids on her own.

  65. Ezinne

    March 15, 2017 at 2:17 am

    Domestic violence against women should not be tolerated in any marriage. Women who face such should come out, speak up and seek help and above all help others facing similar situations.
    Its so disappointing that the likes of Vanessa Willie have the licence to operate as a conselor.
    Pls for better or for worse does not mean one should stay in a marriage relationship, remain silence and be physically, mentally and verbally abused.

  66. Ani

    March 15, 2017 at 8:49 am

    Well I have mixed feelings about this article…..it’s good and some parts are faulty.
    I may not know so much about relationships but from the little experience I have had while at it I would categorically state that you cannot change one’s character. Mind you no one is perfect. But there’s someone just perfect for yourent imperfect self. So being in a relationship and keeping up with acts that you know your conscience questions perhaps all in the name of what you stand to loose if you leave that relationship is crazy. The signs are always there! Often times we know it and choose to ignore them and pretend they will go away. They never go!

    For instance if you have a partner that verbally or emotionally abuses you or does other stuff that you shouldn’t accept and still hope that he or she will change once you are married…..sister and brothers, they will never change instead it will get worse and you begin to detest each other and fall out at the slightest opportunity.

    Every relationship/marriage has its ups and downs, you win some! You loose some! You make compromises but what matters is that at the end of the day you make a good hell of a team. You stay strong for each other!

    Not a fan of.domestic abuse either. Speak up, seek justice to put an end to all of the crap already.

    P.s. these couples giving us relationship./marriage goals on social media have a lot of baggage going on inside. Don’t be fooled. Stay sharp. Stay true to you.

  67. Sil

    March 15, 2017 at 10:08 am

    Jane Onoise (seeing this name you know I know you very well),

    This is a huge disappointment. Reading this article to the end and finding out that it is you who wrote it, I almost cried. I get your message of privacy and moving on but entire undertone is of judgment, self righteousness, I better pass you… Its all wrong and then your comment…..omg!!! As a writer there are better ways of passing this message across and as a counsellor a lot more compassion is expected.

    You are married with a child…. A girl. I can only pray for you…..

  68. Idomagirl

    March 15, 2017 at 6:48 pm

    This article and Vanessa’s response here confirms my suspicions that she’s in no way, shape or form a trained counsellor.
    You’re probably one of those ones of Facebook who think they’re now counsellors because people ask them for advice.

    You want us to continue to feed this culture of silence that has enabled abusers and molesters for so long.
    Our society has normalized women dying in silence so much that when women speak up, people like you act like they are committing a grave sin.
    Nigeria is an extremely toxic and judgemental place – the moment a woman’s marriage ends all sorts of vile stories about her character are made up & most of them stick because the women remain silent.
    A marriage ends and our people instinctively conclude that the woman is the reason because our brains have been fried by patriarchy.
    When Maje impregnated Anita people said all sorts about Toke. The moment she took control and decided to tell the story herself and profit off of it it became a problem…

    No one knew Tiwa & TeeBillz were having marital issues until HE took to Instagram to call her and her mother all the names in the world, if you’re truly against shaming an ex why didn’t you castigate him in your post?
    Tiwa had to respond to salvage her reputation, she should have kept quiet so that the claims of her sleeping with all the men in her record label will stick?

    Tonto didn’t grant an interview or start venting on Instagram until someone claimed that she was breastfeeding while on drugs.
    She should have kept quiet abi?
    People like you Vanessa are perfectly fine making up assumptions & casting judgement on others, until the people involved decide to take control of the narrative & tell the story on their own terms then it becomes a problem – why?
    If you’re truly a counsellor you should get a healthy dose of empathy and stop being so smug & self-righteous. I can’t imagine how you make those who come to you for counseling feel.

    What has this culture of dying in silence gotten those who went before us?
    How many women could have been saved if someone had spoken up instead of keeping quiet?
    How many monsters have we enabled and emboldened with “don’t wash your dirty linen in public?”
    The sad part is that it goes beyond marriage, how many child molesters in families and communities have been enabled & protected by this culture of silence?
    How many have gone on to molest more children because those who should have spoken up kept quiet?
    You need to sit & think long and hard about what you’re advocating.
    We’ve been quiet for too long, enough is enough.

    I close with this quote:
    “If you’re quiet about your pain, they will kill you and say you enjoyed it” – Zorah Neale Hurston.
    Cheers.

    • Idomagirl

      March 15, 2017 at 7:06 pm

      One more thing – this is not a curse or anything like that – but don’t be so quick to be smug or self-righteous over another’s marital woes(or any misfortune for that matter).
      Even the bible you quoted up there condemns that sort of behaviour.
      Marriage like life is VERY unpredictable, one moment you think you have it good & the next your entire world is upside down.
      We need to be kinder to each other as women, we are too hard on ourselves even sometimes worse than men.
      God help us.

  69. fummy

    March 15, 2017 at 11:07 pm

    Hmmmm ,will anyone agree with me that we women are our own enemies?if only some girls can say NO to the married men out there,work hard to be financially independent,be submissive,this so calld abuse might reduce?All I am just reading everywhere is,leave him,run,divorce,speak out….to start with,a friend told me she will marry for money that she Blvs with time love will grow,hmmm,what if that person meets with a guy that wants beauty ?what do u expect? although many christian marriages failed too but why are we leaving the root cause of ths abuse to self centered solution forgetting our innocent children? please,lets find the cause of ths,then solution will follow.there is no smoke without fire.having tried ur best to make it work n all proved abortive…then do what is on your mind.God authored marriage but he doesn’t support infidelity.lets not leave him out .to those who have suffered an abuse,i pray God heal ur broken hearts n bring smile to your faces again.

  70. koins

    March 16, 2017 at 12:57 pm

    This is sad. Bella this is a shame. That you post such and give this woman a platform to express her foolishness.

  71. Ifunanya

    March 24, 2017 at 8:23 am

    Madam Vanessa, Tiwa wouldn’t have done that interview if her husband didn’t air it all first. That pussy of a human being they call Tbillz. It was as if the world, or Nigeria was waiting for a reply from her. I would have done the same. Maybe not in the way she did it. But I would definitely not keep quiet. I even heard she has gone back to the fool. Me Nack woman and my wife will be paying bills.

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