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Busola Adedire: How Men Love

Busola Adedire



There are three things which are too wonderful for me, four which I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman’. Proverbs 30:19

The first time I heard this verse was when I bought an audio Bible many years back. My audio bible actually read ‘the way a man loves a woman’. Usually, one would not think much about the later phrase, but I began to think deep about this after a conversation with a particular Mr X.

Mr X had been asking me out for almost two years now, but I turned him down as graciously as possible. However, his tenacity amazes me. Somehow, I have managed to relegate him to the friend zone which means that there are conversations once in a while, but not very often. Surprisingly, I find Mr X to be very intelligent. One day he had called and the conversation geared towards men, and how they love.

Mr X muttered the words ‘forget about love, men don’t love the way you want to be loved… it takes years for a man to love a woman’. In my head, I thought, but this guy has been wooing me for almost two years now, so he can’t even love… what an irony! But I tried to understand things from his point of view, so I kept listening. He carried on saying men were wired to love differently from women, and that is why women will continue to get hurt in relationships. I cannot pretend to understand what he said, but I do know men are not emotionless beings.

There are different stages to how a man loves and it is something that cannot be controlled by the woman. It is usually a mix of lust, admiration, and chase that influences his decision. For a lot of guys, physical attraction is the first stop.

Consider physical attraction to be like window shopping. It is that place where you see something that piques your interest and you examine it a little more closely to see if you actually want it. Admiration could be in form of anything, depending on the individual. Some guys love intelligence, some guys love a ‘banging body’, others a great personality, spirituality e.t.c. Again, a woman cannot control a man’s admiration or lack of it towards her.

The chase I think, seems to be the biggest deal in this whole process. While the ideal should be, a man and a woman coming together in a straightforward manner, but it is rarely that way.

In my short years on earth, there are a few things I have noticed. 1) Someone will love the other person more. 2) That a man chases a woman does not necessarily mean he is already in love with her. At any time, interest can decline, and attraction can dwindle… but for most women, they are somewhat invested at this stage.

While I think a lot of ‘matching processes’ are largely due to chance, I have also learnt that a woman’s response to the chase can either help her or sabotage her.

I am not the one for mind games, but it is always a good idea for women to be calm and contemplative at this stage. Most guys generally like the idea of winning. I had always thought this was a myth, till I had a guy ask me point blank ‘Are you hard to get?’
I chose not to answer the question because I was somewhat dumbfounded. But this scenario played itself again in form of Mr X, who keeps reiterating ‘No woman has ever turned me down’. In a way I could understand that his efforts were motivated by ‘wanting to win’.

Writing this article was motivated by wanting to understand the male psychology a little more, especially in regards to what Mr X said about men.

Is it true that it takes men years to love a particular woman? Could a man love a woman with her being oblivious of it? If you are a man and you’ve ever truly loved a woman, can you describe how you knew you were in love? Women are also welcome to explore their theories, or share real life stories. Hopefully, this topic does not come off as too deep to discuss.

Looking forward to your contributions. xx


  1. iyke

    September 14, 2017 at 1:42 pm

    Falling in love is a uniquely intense period of time for anyone. But at this stage in my life, I will NEED to sort out a lot of questions during the falling-in-love phase before I can confidently say that ‘I am in love with her’.
    First, beyond the obvious clear attraction (opened my eyes, rolled over in bed to see her face and thought…..’I can’t live without this person’), if I support her growth, respect her, understand her, be compassionate with her, share her values and priorities, then I can say that I am in love with her.
    Of course I’d expect this to be mutual for a seamless transition into a more stable and less stressful long-term relationship.

  2. Tosin

    September 14, 2017 at 2:37 pm

    A man’s background is very key to this discussion. Society prides a lot in the escapades of men, with women of course. So much so that a man committed to one woman may be seen as one who haven’t lived. Society unconsciously grooms its men to be promiscuous until they are ready to settle. The patterns of trial and error thrives as well. I opine that a boy/man who is largely not ready to settle shouldn’t dabble into serious relationships. Better to keep a good friendship and be as open about intentions as possible whenever required.
    It is true that men can love a woman deeply and still have flings and flirt around. It is easy for a man to love, especially when he finds peace with whoever he has chosen to settle with. A man’s reasoning of love and that of a woman are miles of parallel lines that can only be bridged by a third perpendicular line of understanding. But the two lines themselves never meet

  3. Drey

    September 14, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    Love is overrated. I do not think I want to experience this mind tumbling, tongue twisting love which tend to leave you helpless.

    • bolintin

      September 15, 2017 at 10:11 am

      I smile. yes it can be difficult too but its most sweet so don’t be scared love.
      I like your comment a million times because its sounded very sincere and apt

  4. Las

    September 14, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    “Everything is in the eye, not even the face, everything. The eyes are the window to the soul. But people think they are looking at them, saying oh, look at that, look at that…those who are doing that, they’re idle.

    Even the man who falls in love with you would not know what he fell in love with, it won’t be that; it will be your aura he fell for, it will be a smell, from you, that you don’t even know you have, it will be your souls that claims him. It won’t be about how big your breasts are! when it’s like that, then he’s talking about something different.”

    – Taiwo Ajai-Lycett (King Women)

  5. Tijanee Olalekan

    September 14, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    When a man truly loves, he really loves. Forget story, loving a woman is a process and it grows in the minds of most men except those who have already concluded in their minds they not gonna love again all cos of past events and experience(s). But the main thing is you identifying what you want from a woman, if she doesn’t posses everything, at least a ‘B’ can be managed pending on the time (which is the process) it dawn on you that you are actually in love. #IdentifyandHighlightwhatyouwantinawoman

  6. mo

    September 14, 2017 at 6:20 pm

    wow is this the same busola adedire? the vine college? wow amazing

    • Busola Adedire

      Busola Adedire

      September 15, 2017 at 4:50 am

      Hi mo, not the same person.

  7. Bells

    September 16, 2017 at 1:49 am

    Funny how women always judge on the premise that men always know what they want. No they don’t always know because they are humans, they make mistakes, are confused about relationships, end up with the wrong person just like you.. there is really no general rule about how a man loves, if you meet him on a good day with all his senses together and the timing is good, yeah it might lead to something special, if he ain’t ready please forget it. Save yourself some headache and stop making men out to be some mysterious beings .

  8. 'Damilare

    September 28, 2017 at 5:08 pm

    Great article.
    My friend, B, always say “be the receiver and not the giver”
    Lady N and I were friends for about 5 years before she accepted to date me. The initial 4 months was a disaster. then we had amazing few weeks of dating. She expressed this love like never before. Then I exploded and called off the union. My efforts to get her back was fruitless. I ruminated about those years and I discovered my love for Lady N grew through our years of being together. I fought for Lady N without knowing I was in love with her. I needed her back in my life but was too late. Now, I am professing love to a new woman, Lady AJ but not really in love with her but I know it will grow if she accept. Now, I am growing weary in the chase. I feel Lady AJ is only waiting for better offer and may “friendzone” me, I feel she already did. Eventually, Lady N got married sometime in August, 2017.

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