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Busola Adedire: Rules Do Not Apply When the Heart is Involved! Or Do They?

Busola Adedire

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I started watching Gypsy, a new series on  Netflix. Gypsy is an intense psychological thriller that trails the life of a therapist Jean. Jean on the outside is perceived  ‘normal’. I mean in comparison to the ‘broken’ individuals she deals with on a daily basis. she’s pretty level-headed and highly rational. Yet we get to see how seemingly ‘normal people’ can make very poor choices, and how untamed desires can quickly get out of control.

I wonder about human beings a lot. Perhaps it’s the desire to know myself that also makes me wonder about others. But, I have this love-hate thing with humans where I do not get to spend as much time with them, because I am not a complete extrovert (although I come across as one.) Yet, if you asked me what I would rather be doing for the rest of my life… it would be sitting in a coffee shop with an 80 year old lady, discussing how her divorce occurred 20 years ago. It would be talking to complete stranger about the first time they fell in love. It would be asking a Sade or Olu about what makes them happy or sad in life. but yea… I am still here, adulting,with I have bills to pay.

Nevertheless, I still think human beings are very interesting and if you pay attention you will see a lot of things that other people don’t notice. I decided to bring up this topic  as Jean’s story is quite fascinating to me… a little similar to Paul Coelho‘ s Adultery. What is fascinating about these two characters is that they cared deeply about their stable family relationships too… Yet craved the passion that their family lives lacked. In Jean’s case, I won’t say a lack of passion caused her to wander, but rather she was a coward in confronting her own demons (a pattern for many especially commitmentphobes).

You see, I have a friend Mr X, who half way into his 3-year relationship met another girl. In the first two weeks of meeting this girl, he confessed to me that he is certain he is in love with this new girl and is ready to do life with her. Now the dilemma was that he couldn’t bring himself to end his current relationship as he also cared for her too. So ‘Mr X’ decided to date them both for about a year or so till he finally summoned courage to leave his initial girlfriend.

My first instinct as a bystander in this event was to be preachy. I argued about what was right and what was wrong. But, knowing what I know now, I know these situations are not uncommon and it is all a part of being human. I see life like rolling a dice. There is no right or wrong way of rolling a dice. People roll once and get two sixes! Others may roll a hundred times over and never get a six. When it comes to love and how people love, it is something like an enigma.

I had another puzzling event earlier in the year where my date confessed half way into the date that he is in love with his best friend. I smiled! But you know, there was something about his eyes that said I did not intend to hurt you but this is my reality now. First of all, being on the receiving end of this is far from pretty. I went from being cool and level headed to asking myself why ‘her’ over ‘me’. Interestingly, this had been one of the encounters where I doted my i’s and crossed my t’s on dating etiquettes. You know ‘them’ ones… let him contact you, don’t be eager, be unavailable etc. Now, I laugh at myself, because where the heart is concerned… rules do not apply! Ultimately, what is meant to happen will happen and you my dear, cannot control it.

I tortured myself wanting to know why he was interested in me even though his heart belonged somewhere else. And sometimes, you just have to be okay with not knowing. Love can be as complex as loving many things about an individual, and as simple as having no specific reason for loving them.

In the case where you are fully aware that someone is contemplating between you and another person, I would say give them space to figure their feelings out. Simply because persuading someone to love you takes all the beauty and excitement away from it. They will eventually figure it out, and it may or may not be you. Conversely, if you are one who is caught in the web of two lovers, be honest with them and be honest with yourself about what you really want out of life. Better is a harsh truth than a sweet deception. The answer you seek may not come easy but don’t be a coward about it.

The more I live, the more I realise that humans are terribly flawed beings. Don’t be unreasonably hard on yourself or others, because it is possible for someone to deeply care for you and still disappoint you in shocking ways. Don’t be so quick to judge outcomes either; the reason people do the things they do has very little do with you.

I must say though, that if you sign up to be in a relationship, then you have to be responsible with the other person’s feelings. This means that any intrusion by biology and attraction to someone else other than your partner is something that should be tackled with wisdom and sensitivity before you head down a rabbit hole. Relationships are in ebbs and flow, and to continuously chase excitement and passion is just plain unrealistic.

Do you have experiences of being in love with two people at the same time? Share your stories in the comment section below.

14 Comments

  1. Abi

    July 19, 2018 at 12:39 pm

    I love this statement “Rules Do Not Apply When the Heart is Involved”. we can judge anyone for doing or not doing certain things in a relationship but when it’s you involved, you’re just as confused as the person you criticize.

  2. Awesome

    July 19, 2018 at 12:52 pm

    Very beautiful write up, kudos.
    Life!

  3. Toyin

    July 19, 2018 at 1:28 pm

    Always Loved Kenny since we were teens. Life set us apart and we didn’t see each other for 20 years. I never forgot her. I moved on. Thank God for facebook, we reconnect, I pour out my heart to her. She says she does not feel the same. I go to Nigeria 2 months before my wedding for preps and rites, bump into Kenny again, she’s available now but I’m not. Old feelings come rushing back, we make sweet love and we go our separate ways. I get married, 6 months later she marries. We part again but I still think of her everyday.

    • Beht why

      July 19, 2018 at 4:38 pm

      Hian!

    • Ditto

      July 19, 2018 at 5:40 pm

      Toyin…I feel you. I have been in love with the same man since I was 19. I am 44 now and into my second marriage but he still holds the reigns to my hear. Haven’t seen or heard him since I was 25 but the feelings are still there.

    • Nito

      July 20, 2018 at 10:01 am

      Please Ditto get a new heart. The previous one is holding you as a prisoner of infatuated love. Free your heart Ditto.

    • chu-chu

      July 20, 2018 at 9:31 am

      Wow!!! This right here is one of my biggest fears… being the other woman. Now I better under that prayer that says “may we not find our true love, when we are married”.

    • Zara

      July 20, 2018 at 1:46 pm

      You’re a selfish man. You better think of the woman you married and make it work. The grass is always greener on the other side. Face your marriage Mister man and focus on the woman you married! I feel so bad for her. If you still loved Kenny why marry another woman Ehn?? Nonsense.

  4. Xplorenollywood.com

    July 19, 2018 at 4:44 pm

    Nice… The heart sometimes wants what the heart wants. For me if the receiving person is taking a while to express himself or show he cares, i take off!

  5. Ife

    July 20, 2018 at 2:15 pm

    Hello everyone.

    Interesting read.

    But for everyone reading this and cares to know. There is a better way.

    A much better way.

    And it is Gods way. You see God has a process and God has a way and it always ends up in praise. God knows the beginning from the end. God knew you while you were in your mother’s womb. Instead of going on dates to see if one will work out…why don’t you allow God choose for you? Why not allow God lead you to the man He himself wants for you. Bwhy not give your heart to Jesus and allow him commit it to the man who will love and care for you as Christ does for His church?

    Why don’t you hand over all your hurt and pain to Him and allow Him heal you. Why don’t you hand over your confusions to Him? Jesus loves you dear woman. And He is ready to help you get it right if only you will trust Him with your heart.

    You deserve better than a man double dating to know who he truly likes or a man having sex with an ex months to his wedding. You deserve someone who is faithful and loyal and will fight to remain so not just because He loves you but because He loves the Lord Jesus first and above all.

    The world has made it look like good marriages /relationships no longer exist but they do. They do in Christ Jesus. And He can help you come into such.

    Please give your heart to Jesus. He is the best man a girl can find. I hope this speaks to someone even if it is one person.

    There is a true state of peace of mind but it can only be found in Christ Jesus.

    • Lilo

      July 22, 2018 at 11:16 pm

      I’m always confused about whether God grants the desire of our heart or his ways/plans aren’t our ways/plans.

    • Ephi

      July 23, 2018 at 7:27 am

      Lilo, I believe God grants the desires of our hearts when we ask unless in cases when it’s not for our ultimate good. There are times when those desires are in line with His plan, and other times they are not (He has something better in mind). Best to look at it like a parent child relationship.

    • Ami

      July 24, 2018 at 1:27 am

      God bless you Ife!!! This spoke to me. Presently going through pain but with what you stated, I have remembered to give it all up to Jesus and have Him as my lover and best friend. I pray for wisdom and guidance particularly as it relates to this heart and emotional issues.

      Thank you once again, Ife. God bless you

  6. Tosin

    July 31, 2018 at 11:30 pm

    you suggest human beings are terribly flawed, i say more like social customs are terribly flawed? maybe? do you cut the leg to fit the shoe or cut the shoe to fit the leg? 😀 😀

    nice stuff, thanks.

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