Busola Adedire: Rules Do Not Apply When the Heart is Involved! Or Do They?

I started watching Gypsy, a new series on  Netflix. Gypsy is an intense psychological thriller that trails the life of a therapist Jean. Jean on the outside is perceived  ‘normal’. I mean in comparison to the ‘broken’ individuals she deals with on a daily basis. she’s pretty level-headed and highly rational. Yet we get to see how seemingly ‘normal people’ can make very poor choices, and how untamed desires can quickly get out of control.

I wonder about human beings a lot. Perhaps it’s the desire to know myself that also makes me wonder about others. But, I have this love-hate thing with humans where I do not get to spend as much time with them, because I am not a complete extrovert (although I come across as one.) Yet, if you asked me what I would rather be doing for the rest of my life… it would be sitting in a coffee shop with an 80 year old lady, discussing how her divorce occurred 20 years ago. It would be talking to complete stranger about the first time they fell in love. It would be asking a Sade or Olu about what makes them happy or sad in life. but yea… I am still here, adulting,with I have bills to pay.

Nevertheless, I still think human beings are very interesting and if you pay attention you will see a lot of things that other people don’t notice. I decided to bring up this topic  as Jean’s story is quite fascinating to me… a little similar to Paul Coelho‘ s Adultery. What is fascinating about these two characters is that they cared deeply about their stable family relationships too… Yet craved the passion that their family lives lacked. In Jean’s case, I won’t say a lack of passion caused her to wander, but rather she was a coward in confronting her own demons (a pattern for many especially commitmentphobes).

You see, I have a friend Mr X, who half way into his 3-year relationship met another girl. In the first two weeks of meeting this girl, he confessed to me that he is certain he is in love with this new girl and is ready to do life with her. Now the dilemma was that he couldn’t bring himself to end his current relationship as he also cared for her too. So ‘Mr X’ decided to date them both for about a year or so till he finally summoned courage to leave his initial girlfriend.

My first instinct as a bystander in this event was to be preachy. I argued about what was right and what was wrong. But, knowing what I know now, I know these situations are not uncommon and it is all a part of being human. I see life like rolling a dice. There is no right or wrong way of rolling a dice. People roll once and get two sixes! Others may roll a hundred times over and never get a six. When it comes to love and how people love, it is something like an enigma.

I had another puzzling event earlier in the year where my date confessed half way into the date that he is in love with his best friend. I smiled! But you know, there was something about his eyes that said I did not intend to hurt you but this is my reality now. First of all, being on the receiving end of this is far from pretty. I went from being cool and level headed to asking myself why ‘her’ over ‘me’. Interestingly, this had been one of the encounters where I doted my i’s and crossed my t’s on dating etiquettes. You know ‘them’ ones… let him contact you, don’t be eager, be unavailable etc. Now, I laugh at myself, because where the heart is concerned… rules do not apply! Ultimately, what is meant to happen will happen and you my dear, cannot control it.

I tortured myself wanting to know why he was interested in me even though his heart belonged somewhere else. And sometimes, you just have to be okay with not knowing. Love can be as complex as loving many things about an individual, and as simple as having no specific reason for loving them.

In the case where you are fully aware that someone is contemplating between you and another person, I would say give them space to figure their feelings out. Simply because persuading someone to love you takes all the beauty and excitement away from it. They will eventually figure it out, and it may or may not be you. Conversely, if you are one who is caught in the web of two lovers, be honest with them and be honest with yourself about what you really want out of life. Better is a harsh truth than a sweet deception. The answer you seek may not come easy but don’t be a coward about it.

The more I live, the more I realise that humans are terribly flawed beings. Don’t be unreasonably hard on yourself or others, because it is possible for someone to deeply care for you and still disappoint you in shocking ways. Don’t be so quick to judge outcomes either; the reason people do the things they do has very little do with you.

I must say though, that if you sign up to be in a relationship, then you have to be responsible with the other person’s feelings. This means that any intrusion by biology and attraction to someone else other than your partner is something that should be tackled with wisdom and sensitivity before you head down a rabbit hole. Relationships are in ebbs and flow, and to continuously chase excitement and passion is just plain unrealistic.

Do you have experiences of being in love with two people at the same time? Share your stories in the comment section below.