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Eniola Olaosebikan: One Way Not To Date A Married Man

Eniola Olaosebikan

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This thing called dating married men, starts quite mildly. It’s such a well-covered ditch that even the religious falls into. It starts like warm coal, before proceeding to become wild fire. And sometimes, it starts even without you knowing how far gone you are. It starts from innocent talks, to constant gists, and then on to exchanging heart to heart talks. And as it progresses, you begin to feel you were meant for each other and the married party married wrongly. Of course if the married party is a man, with time, he begins to fill your ears with tales of woe about his wife, and how suddenly she has changed not for the better, but for the worst.

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t have married men as friends, it’s just a way of making us conscious of our actions, and also making us define our boundaries such that we can easily know when close is too close, and how far is too far.

So then- how do you make your friendship with a married man simply platonic? And in a case whereby you are already falling for him, how do you control your thoughts and make your thoughts subject to you without them going hay wire?

One basic thing I would suggest would be to know yourself; and also master the act of keeping things real with yourself. To know that your mind belongs to you and you alone. There is no shame in acknowledging your true feelings however moral or immoral it appears at first. Knowing yourself and having honest in-depth conversations with yourself will save you from making costly mistakes.

To do this, you have to be free with yourself and give yourself the room to express your emotions. Don’t be too ‘holy holy’(or too conservative).

To know yourself, never be shy or too moral to acknowledge your feelings when they come. Always acknowledge your feelings, even though you might revoke them almost as fast as they came. Never toss your feelings aside; every feeling is meant to tell you something. Your feelings arise most of the time to pass something across to you… so due actions can be taken.

Always preserve that place in your heart where you can explore you like a little baby and consciously and innocently bring to the surface emotions that seem to be buried deep down, even such that embarrasses you. Don’t act all too strong for yourself by denying your emotions and feelings, knowing fully well that your heart is private enough to handle all your shame and embarrassment. That is why the heart is yours and yours alone; share it no one.

So, come on girl, acknowledge those emotions so it doesn’t lead to your downfall. You never can conquer that which you have not acknowledged.

Never act all too busy with yourself. Always find time to listen to your heart cry. When those funny thoughts and emotions arise, sit down with yourself and handle it. Get to the root till you understand why they are there. Never let ignorance or denial lead you into something you did not bargain for.

Knowing yourself and dealing with thoughts as they come will allow you know when some thoughts are trespassing, and also how to handle them before they turn you into a vegetable. Paying attention to yourself will make you know when and how you are falling for the man, and also why you are falling for him. Could it be his dressing? Or the way he talks to you, or perhaps the way he touches or looks at you? How about the way he makes you feel with his words and perhaps the gifts he buys for you? The hangouts he takes you to after work? Or the fact that he seems to understand you in a way nobody else seems to, or that he makes you feel loved, cherished and worthy in a way no one has ever made you feel before. What exactly could be the cause?

Paying (close) attention to your thoughts will keep you in control of your thoughts and eventually your actions. This way, you are able to make your thoughts obey/follow your principles and standards.

Following this seemingly simple advice will expose you to your emotions and make you take note of your feelings and corresponding action(s), especially for the man in question. It’ll also help you put boundaries in place both in your heart and without. And in a case whereby you decide to date him against all moral odds, you will know that it was your decision and you sure will be ready to dance to karma’s beat when eventually it beats its drum. It’s all about being intentional.

Photo Credit: Mimagephotography | Dreamstime

Eniola Olaosebikan is a creative, spontaneous and in-depth writer. She writes poems, fictions, articles, songs, speeches and biographies. She holds a master degree in International Business Management from the Aberystwyth University, Wales, United Kingdom. She also speaks at conferences and seminars. You can connect with her on her social media handles; @Facebook- Eniola Olaosebikan @Instagram - cream_legend @Twitter- TheEniolaOBlog site: https://soulwriteralways.blogspot.com.ng/

33 Comments

  1. Serene

    September 19, 2017 at 3:07 am

    Okay

  2. Linda

    September 19, 2017 at 7:43 am

    I guarantee you they’ll be very response on here, cos many probably are screwing married men or did so in the past. Yes you.

    Just know you can’t escape the generational curse you’ve created for yourself. You can’t just fxxx a married man and ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t work that way. Some misfortunes will happen to you and you’ll be blaming village people. It’s not them, it’s the curse. You are married and getting cheated on its called sister Karma (a lady I admire cos she’s been real busy this 2017)??????????

    Close your legs to married men. I’d rather die single than date a married. What if you don’t know? You know cos your instinct told you (and to research further) but you are pretending you don’t. Conscious sinning. .

    I can’t stand whore who sleep with married men and married men who cheat with these who respect. You are both cursed. The covenant of marriage is a serious thing created by God so don’t mess with what God has put together. God will not send you someone’s husband.

    So all y’all sleeping with married men, respond and say some shyt . Where y’all at

    • larz

      September 19, 2017 at 3:45 pm

      So the man that spoke the vows is referred to as a married man but the single lady who hasn’t broken any vows is a ho? Really? How bizarre! Shame indiscretion all you want but why judge a woman more harshly. Na wa oh. And this is coming from a woman too?

    • Bia

      September 19, 2017 at 4:15 pm

      Na madness dey worry @Linda. The type that fights the mistress while absolving the man and his bad behaviour.

  3. Linda

    September 19, 2017 at 7:46 am

    Typo: a married man who cheated with these whores

  4. Tutu

    September 19, 2017 at 8:20 am

    This post is not helpful at all…

  5. i love my husband

    September 19, 2017 at 8:49 am

    Very impractical post…i agree with tutu – not helpful at all..she just keeps saying know yourself…when I read the topic, I was looking to see practical steps to take but nothing. For people that have an issue with dating ,married men, nothing in this post has helped

    • Olanna

      September 19, 2017 at 9:22 am

      lol My dear, let me simplify- What she says above stops you from dating them because when you are in tune with your heart and you listen, you hear yourself falling for him. You find out why you are falling for him, you stop it before it gets too far- This is for people who actually don’t want to get involved with married men. But if you listen to your heart falling for him and you like it, please go ahead- but this eliminates the “I didn’t know how it happened”. She just advises that you be more aware of your hearts feelings, that way, you can take a stand and “CHOOSE” not to move forward with its cravings.
      I hope you understand. And no I’m not the poster. She literally spoke to my soul.

  6. Melinda

    September 19, 2017 at 9:05 am

    The writer didn’t say ‘ten ways not to date a married man’, she said one way. What she wrote is the one way she knows, and it is practical enough if you are a deep thinker and someone who is intentional about her life (which is one of the lessons in the write-up). Her message is all about how to prevent it, not how to cure it if you are already in it, And for someone just starting to feel the bond and draw to a married man, it is helpful enough. Besides, the part where she said-

    ” Knowing yourself and dealing with thoughts as they come will allow you know when some thoughts are trespassing, and also how to handle them before they turn you into a vegetable. Paying attention to yourself will make you know when and how you are falling for the man, and also why you are falling for him. Could it be his dressing? Or the way he talks to you, or perhaps the way he touches or looks at you? How about the way he makes you feel with his words and perhaps the gifts he buys for you? The hangouts he takes you to after work? Or the fact that he seems to understand you in a way nobody else seems to, or that he makes you feel loved, cherished and worthy in a way no one has ever made you feel before. What exactly could be the cause?” said it all.

    That it doesn’t sound practical to you doesn’t mean it is not practical, and at that, practical to other people, especially the innocent and thoughtful people she’s trying to help with her one way.

  7. Omi

    September 19, 2017 at 9:16 am

    I made out with a married man. I knew he was happily married and still I made out with him. There’s no excuse for my behavior but I was emotionally down at that period. I had just broken up with my bf of 5years due to cheating and he was there to console me.
    I am yet to forgive myself for helping a man cheat on his wife,
    After that dirty episode, I made up my mind to stay away from him. I make all sort of excuses when he wants to see me because I don’t think I am strong enough to reject his advances.
    How do I forgive myself for this stupid act?

    • EMI

      September 19, 2017 at 10:05 am

      ME TOO

    • Finegirl

      September 19, 2017 at 11:36 am

      Dont worry. You’ll get married someday.Karma will comefor you.

    • Sisi Mi

      September 19, 2017 at 12:30 pm

      Hi Omi, I totally understand how you are feeling. Guilt is even a greater burden that the actual act. which is why you need to confess it to God. What would Jesus say? Daughter go thy way and sin no more. In as much you feel the guilt is justified, you need to know that God is ready to free you of the baggage you have been carrying for too long if you can only give it to him. Only God can give you true peace. And that comes with confession to Him and Him alone.

    • mz_danielz

      September 19, 2017 at 2:41 pm

      Nne forgive yourself and move on. The day you asked for forgiveness, God forgot about it. My darling, please move on.

  8. Olanna

    September 19, 2017 at 9:17 am

    Eniola!!! Just wow!! I totally understand what you mean. I have been there before. The feelings were there, the moment they came, I’d banish them, until it happened and I gave in. After a whirlwind affair, I asked myself, how did I get here? it was simple, I denied my feelings, never acknowledged that I was falling, until I fell. Only a few will relate to this article. I have loved my inner self since then. I have conversations within myself. If a man invites me over, I ask simply- why? If he wants to sleep with you, will you accept? If the answer is yes, I put my lube in my handbag and off I go. If it’s no, I decline. To thine own self be true. Nothing ever “just happens”. The signs are there, in our hearts but we fall, because we fail to acknowledge them. Many will not understand, a few will. Holy holy is the root of all evil, if only we can acknowledge that these feelings though wrong are natural, and meant to be addressed. I love you Eniola! Thank you

    • Bia

      September 19, 2017 at 3:10 pm

      Smart comment as always.

  9. SammieJ

    September 19, 2017 at 11:00 am

    That vegetable part is so true…

  10. Linda

    September 19, 2017 at 11:11 am

    What did I say. I said this post will get few responses and many dodging the subject cos most girls in this country screw married men. How else can they afford all the materialistic b.s. Guilty conscience making them just read and by pass the post. Cursed Species close your legs to married men biko

    • Liz Bennet

      September 19, 2017 at 12:06 pm

      You sef calm down. It takes two to tango!

    • Elle

      September 19, 2017 at 12:19 pm

      The way you are jumping upandan on this post, hope nothing? Is everything okay with you? Just asking.

    • Sisi Mi

      September 19, 2017 at 12:34 pm

      Aunty go and sit down abeg. Is it that your hubby cheated on you which is why you are so full of hate? Many girls sleep with married men out of low self esteem or ignorance. Some even pray to God to forgive them as they repent. Are you God? If we confess and forsake our sins, God is faithful to deliver and cleanse us of all unrighteousness

    • Bia

      September 19, 2017 at 3:12 pm

      @Linda, Ogini di?
      Who do you? You are practically running mad o. Dem collect ya mama husband ni? I am a muslim my religion permits it. The African tradition permits it. Whats your problem? Comment and go instead, you are demonstrating stupidity.

  11. cleo

    September 19, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    I concur with this writer, i once had a crush on a married colleague, he was all i wanted in terms of personality, although he was having a very happy marriage but you know how men can be , He chased me like mad but i had to avoid totally and even stopped communicating with him because i knew if i am in a corner with him,hmm i doubted if i could resist the urge , so the best was to avoid him totally until the feelings died. So thumps to the writer

  12. Sisi Mi

    September 19, 2017 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Omi, I totally understand how you are feeling. Guilt is even a greater burden that the actual act. which is why you need to confess it to God. What would Jesus say? Daughter go thy way and sin no more. In as much you feel the guilt is justified, you need to know that God is ready to free you of the baggage you have been carrying for too long if you can only give it to him. Only God can give you true peace. And that comes with confession to Him and Him alone.

    • Omi

      September 19, 2017 at 8:05 pm

      Thank you for your kind words. God bless you.

  13. Sisi

    September 19, 2017 at 2:38 pm

    This is a beautiful post, so true. Some don’t understand the source of everything we do physically comes from the mind – if we can be honest with ourselves, tackle destructive thoughts (prayer, counseling, keeping focused on important things albeit a temporary solution) so many ills of today will be avoided. From jealousy, to theft, to murder it all starts with the mind. Stay away once you are sensing your mind wandering in a wrong direction. I have been there/I am there everyday battling a host of different feelings about different things and I run the opposite way immediately when they try to manifest – 2 Corinthians 10:5 ‘take every thought captive to obey Christ’.

  14. Oppy

    September 19, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    I can remember at a point during my undergraduate days when most of my admirers were married men. They weren’t even evasive about their marital status, they told me point blank that they were married with kids. I just had to put them at arm’s length. I don’t want to be the reason for any woman’s unhappiness because I know one day I’d get married by God’s grace and I won’t want someone else to wreck my home

  15. larz

    September 19, 2017 at 3:48 pm

    Thank you @olanna and @melinda

    @Omi&@emi. This post is for you onn how not to do it anymore, if you dont want to.

    I have heard that some men position themselves to be knight in shining armour for their lady friends when they are down emotionally.

    • Omi

      September 19, 2017 at 8:06 pm

      I won’t keep any married man as a friend anymore. That is my resolution. Thank you.

  16. momo

    September 19, 2017 at 10:31 pm

    hmm..married men in this country are very brazen and the ladies collabo with them for financial gain or believing he will chase his wife away and marry them..either way both are guilty..when a man always meets you at hotel or dubai/abuja or you only met his friends never his family …thats a red flag

  17. tracy

    September 20, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    Married man? Just doesnt cross my mind. Like are you not scared? Would you be happy if you are in his wife’s shoes? girls sha

  18. Sherri

    September 20, 2017 at 10:09 pm

    The glaring reason not to entangle with a married man or woman is because they are not TRUST WORTHY!
    Ladies and gentlemen, please don’t cast your pearls before swines.
    if he or she is disrespecting his wife/husband, he /she will most likely disrespect you too!

  19. Ree

    October 5, 2017 at 11:51 am

    Madam, this you way is not a way. Personally, I hate to be seen with a married man, no hangouts either. I don’t keep them as friends and even if I have to do, the moment you start trying to overstep your boundary, I cut off from you completely.

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