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Cisi Eze: What It Means For Women to Be Sexually Independent

Cisi Eze

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Gender roles have made female subjugation a cultural universal. A cultural universal is a trait or element different human societies (cultures) have in common. Most cultures are patriarchal. A patriarchy is “a society, system, or country that is ruled or controlled by men.” Simply put, men seem to have “power”, control. It gets more interesting when you realise patriarchy thrives on the sexual and financial dependence of women. Being financially independent means women having economic wherewithal in their own names. As I often state, “Money of her own is a woman’s best protection.” Money insulates you.

What does it mean for women to be sexually independent? It means women can sexually express themselves in whatever context without sanctions, without shame.

Having sex outside the confines of matrimony attracts sanctions to a woman, not a man. Men can sleep around before marriage, but women cannot, lest they fail the “virginity test”.

Virginity is a strict moral rule which applies to girls alone. Yet one would think that the first criterion of a moral rule, if it is indeed to be moral, should be that it applies to all without exception, and does not yield to any form of discrimination whether on the basis of sex, colour, or class. (…) By what figment of imagination can we profess that the hymen was created to block the passage of the male sexual organ when it seeks to penetrate through the external genital organs of the female into the vagina, during the period prior to marriage? Such a function can only be considered a social and moral one, in no way relted to the vital biological and physiological functions exercised in this part of the body.” – Nawal El Saadawi, “The Hidden Face of Eve.”

Asides that, we tell ourselves men are polygamous in nature, not women. “Men can have sex with anyone without having feelings.” This is a lie! When you spin a narrative for too long, social mechanisms will embroidery that story into the collective psyche. Getting rid of those stitches would hurt, because society’s mind will bleed in the process. Women are as sexual as men are; social conditioning has taught us to shush-up. Women can have sex with anyone without attaching emotions. Sex workers do this. For the record, a war-hungry society brought about decline in the population of men. People needed to procreate in order to have children. Having more children meant that one had more labour. More labour meant more money. Au contraire to consensus, suiting a man’s “insatiable” sexual cravings was not the reason human society invented polygamy. Economic reasons invented polygamy.

At a point in history, men had more money than women did, because physical strength was tantamount to financial success. On the average, men are physically stronger than women are. It made sense that the average man would be financially well-off than the average woman. To ensure that children belonged to men, mechanisms such as marriage, religion, and family came into existence. Tying women’s sexuality around men, making it impossible for a woman to be sexual without a husband, was a way to ensure children belonged to the husbands, as there was no way to test paternity. No one would want the wrong child to inherit him. How else do we ensure women have sex with only their husbands? Society invented three concepts: slut-shaming women, virginity, and circumcision.

To make sure women do not have sex before marriage, society slut-shames women.

To curb a woman’s sexual desires, society decided to mutilate the female genital.

To make sure a woman has sex with only her husband, society invented virginity.

Why is society so interested in our vaginas? What is the reason for this obsession? Are they scared women would one day realise that they really do not need husbands to have children?

Women would be sexually independent when we realise that our bodies and sexualities belong to us. We should have sexual autonomy. Having sexual autonomy means, we can have sex on our terms, because our bodies belong to us. We do not have to feel shame for wanting the things we want. Claim shame to be immune to shame. Why should we be shamed for wanting to have sex, while men can sleep around

Imagine a world where most women are financially and sexually independent. Imagine the boundless possibilities! (This is an article for another day.)

P.S. Women should have money in their names, not their husband’s name. In the event there is a divorce – not that we pray for one, but we must always be prepared for happenstances – no one would tell her, there is no Ms. Whatever. No one has given me a logical reason why women should change their names after marriage. “What’s in a name, anyway? As trademark lawyers and uppity women will tell you: everything. Ancient history specialised in the female put-down by side-step, its account being full of “a woman who…” and “wife of…,” not to forget that old favourite, “said to be the mother of…” – Vicki Leon, “Uppity Women of Ancient Times.”

Photo Credit: © Harris Shiffman | Dreamstime

Cisi Eze is a Lagos-based journalist, writer, comic artist, and graphics designer.She feels strongly about LGBT+ rights, feminism, gender issues, and mental health, and this is expressed through her articles as a guest contributor on Bella Naija, her blog – Shades of Cisi, a podcast she co-presents – We Said It, and an online radio show – Stirring the Waters. Aside these, she has works on Kalahari Review, The Rustin Times, Outcast Magazine, Holaafrica, Mounting the Moon, 14: An Anthology of Queer Art Volume 1 and 2.Cisi’s art challenges existing societal norms.

75 Comments

  1. Loki

    November 14, 2017 at 6:52 am

    Cisi Eze, I like you. Daz all.
    Cue the apoplectic rantings of John, Chief and other BN regulars who get aneurysms at the very thought of female advancement.
    *Grabbing popcorn and a drink*.

  2. marlee

    November 14, 2017 at 6:58 am

    more power to women. i love this. i am independent to the core. money , properties, children, i have it on on my own. and i am happy that way.

    • mama ovie

      November 14, 2017 at 7:28 am

      nice one

  3. Chy Odiaka

    November 14, 2017 at 8:02 am

    When thoughts allign this much…we are close to achieving *sexual independence*. Nice one C.

  4. OJ

    November 14, 2017 at 8:12 am

    “”We should have sexual autonomy. Having sexual autonomy means, we can have sex on our terms, because our bodies belong to us. We do not have to feel shame for wanting the things we want. Claim shame to be immune to shame. Why should we be shamed for wanting to have sex, while men can sleep around””

    My sister, the men you claim that sleep freely, who are they are actually sleeping with?? is it not the same very women you just described above? or you think we only sleep with prostitutes? My dear the women you are encouraging have been sleeping with men and men have been sleeping with them from time immemorial, its a two way thing, they’ve been making those choices already…i get it that you feel morality/immorality was defined from a man’s perspective, right??

    If a woman decides to go outside her matrimonial to have sex with other men becos she feels she is sexually independent to do so, would that be moral or immoral?? same question applies to those in committed relationships. The funny thing is when it comes to ”slut shaming” its usually done among same women your’e advocating for…so aren’t you guys you own worse enemies???

    I just hope families and established relationships will not scatter becos of ideologies like this

    • LemmeRant

      November 14, 2017 at 11:48 am

      No leave her na

      According to her only men have been sleeping around, women have not. Yeye.

      Apparently these men have been sleeping with ghosts

      “Imagine a world where most women are financially and sexually independent. Imagine the boundless possibilities!”

      We don’t need to imagine, its already happening in the USA and there’s nothing new there. All they end up doing with such “independence” is organizing slut walks, making sex tapes, dressing half naked and essentially living for the gram.

      Abeg shift and talk about something else.

    • tunmi

      November 15, 2017 at 8:30 pm

      the shame. the shame that women are made to feel (by men and by women)…that is what is different.

      It is weird though. Men have sex with women, and they come out to shame women for having sex…with them…funny. And women also join in.

  5. Temi

    November 14, 2017 at 8:13 am

    All these essays are nice..giving a warm and fuzzy feeling but what we really need are actions. See my mother was richer than my father growing up, she did any and everything she could do herself. Growing up in an all girls household we cut our grass ourselves, killed chickens, changed the oil in the car etc. All these might seem mundane, but my point is she didn’t have to go into a tirade of feminism she just lived her life and that was more than enough. I am now married..i have not taken up my husbands name or felt any reason to explain it to anybody. All i want is that i live life in a way that i influence people as my mother did simply by doing and that should be what we should all aim for. Healthy discussions have their place but if the next generation of women are serious just live the life you want for yourself.

    • CrazyWorld

      November 14, 2017 at 11:16 am

      But you would take your husband’s name if he was a Dangote or Zuckerberg or Otedola or Obama or Alakija. You married a nobody dear, your choice. Don’t push it on feminine power or whatever

    • Temi

      November 14, 2017 at 12:43 pm

      @crazyworld well i am sorry for you that your life is defined by money worshipping. To answer your question yes i married a successful man. Maybe not successful at the level of Otedola and Dangote but we are very happy and if we ever wished to be that successful, Rome was not built in a day with time and hardwork we will do our best to create a better future for this country we are in. That was not what my post was about…my post was more about living the truth you want. I hope in your myopic attack you atleast picked that. To you I might be a nobody but i am living the truth i want. Live your own truth and aim to be someone that makes a difference.

    • John

      November 14, 2017 at 1:22 pm

      @temi Go and sit down ..u married a nobody ..a poor, beta man with no choice…infact something tells me your richer than the poor guy..nobody is judging u bcos it is ur life but don’t dare make seem ur strong or whatever…@crazyworld was right and asked a question that u ignored..if your husband name was dangote or otedola..u would changed ur name faster than usain bolt..The truth is that feminism “power” is only applied and lord on poor, beta males with no say…simple and short

    • Temi

      November 14, 2017 at 1:45 pm

      Very intelligent rebuttal John “Go and sit down…”. You can bully people in your real life not here, if you have something to say…say it in a well mannered way. I will not dignify your other points with an answer but if you and crazy were patient enough you would have read that i was actually not in support of the article. But your myopic selves held on to one sentence in the reply. My point remains live your truth and influence those around you with your own truth and convictions. Online debates where people then go live their lives the complete opposite way is no use to anyone. Live your truth whatever that is.

    • john

      November 14, 2017 at 2:54 pm

      @temi yawnnnnn.. continue deflecting and yet u still haven’t answered the genuine question raised by @crazyworld…..if ur husband name was dangote or otedola or he is from an influential family or your husband was a wealthy man…will u answer his name or not? ..simple and short…hypocrisy , hypocrisy, hypocrisy..and u wonder why u women are not taken seriously…abeg, go and continue feeding and giving your poor husband pocket money…..it is ur life

    • COMMENTER

      November 15, 2017 at 7:31 pm

      The whole point here is that the moral code and several other codes for men ought to be the same for women. Period. For example, a man sleeps around or has extramarital affairs , he is usually said to “Be doing what men do”. If a woman does the same, she is “cursed and shamed”. Why the different treatment???? SEXISM! Listen, I am not condoning the behavior but rather pointing to the clear disparity in how issues surrounding sex, independence(financial etc..) are viewed in our society!

      As for those who repeatedly addressed Temi, listen, name is not everything. She is not necessarily refusing to carry her husbands name because he is quote and quote a nobody. Who are we to say who is somebody and nobody?? Did you know Dr. Priscilla Chan…. aka Mark Zuckerbergs wife still bears her birth name “Chan”? She does not go around touting her husbands achievements but rather wakes up and uses her gifts to achieve her purpose and assignment. When she is at work she is doctor, a care giver ensuring that her patients’ are recovering. She has an identity outside of her marriage. So does Temi and clearly you are so focused on names that you refused to hear the message. Our society has this “Do you know who I am!!!” “Do you know who my father is?” mentality……that automatically translates to being entitled. Temi! Big up to you for stating that your identity is not rooted in a name.

      Otedola, Dangote, Zuckerberg….. etc didn’t just wake up with achievements and financial success. They all started from somewhere. Financial success does not measure human worth. Even a beggar on the street is worthy of the same respect given to any of these men.

  6. 3ples

    November 14, 2017 at 8:30 am

    ohhhh… Cisi darling… they’re coming for ur head,,, lol

    You know most Nigerians, esp women, do not like mentally stimulating conversations/arguments…especially one that challenges the norm… lol

    To think I had this conversation with a guy last week and his best response was that women couldn’t have sex devoid of emotional attachments….hmmmm

    • Ezinne

      November 14, 2017 at 9:05 am

      I agree that the women especially will come for her head. I have to agree with Cisi. I asked my fiance, what’s in a name? In Nigeria women are treated differently the moment one hears “I am Mrs yada yada” I told bae, I’ll never be a Mrs Anything, I’ll like to maintain my own identity than be defined by my marriage to him. He understands, and that’s bliss for me.
      As for sexual autonomy, I learned that rather late, but learned it regardless. I can disconnect sex from love. I can put things in their boxes. I earn my own money, I recently started sending my parents money (Lord knows they don’t need it) but still. We all need to be held to the same standards, period! Like Chimamanda would say- ” ‘because she’s a woman’ is not a reason to do anything at all!”
      “By what figment of imagination can we profess that the hymen was created to block the passage of the male sexual organ when it seeks to penetrate through the external genital organs of the female into the vagina, during the period prior to marriage? ” This is my favorite line!!!! lmfao
      Cisi Eze, stirring the waters since 1975! You go girl!

    • Jummy

      November 14, 2017 at 10:28 am

      This is “mentally stimuating”? LMAO. Y’all kill me.

      This is a topic that has been overflogged on BN and has been spoken about millions of times. Nothing mentally stimulating about this please.

    • Marigold

      November 14, 2017 at 12:18 pm

      Lol. What is mentally stimulating about this article?

  7. Mystique

    November 14, 2017 at 9:37 am

    All i have to say is this – if she puts her hand down, that picture will look different from how it currently looks. For women, lifting our hands over our head makes our breasts look perky. ok, i said it now let me go make a cup of ginger tea.

  8. john

    November 14, 2017 at 10:18 am

    I told bae, I’ll never be a Mrs Anything, I’ll like to maintain my own identity than be defined by my marriage to him. He understands, and that’s bliss for me…………lol..u don enter one chance but ur fish brain had failed to realise it..anyway when it goes sideways ( I can bet my balls on that)..then u can give urself that delusional excuse of Good riddance and u can do better ..u can continue doing better and better untill u look back and realise where ur delusions and fake ego has taken u then u can use Nkem Ndem delusional excuse that it is bcos ure intelligent and men can not handle a strong intelligent woman bla bla bla.. but for now let ur fiance dey enjoy ur body..good for him

    • Ezinne

      November 14, 2017 at 10:49 am

      Piss off

    • Loki

      November 14, 2017 at 11:27 am

      Oh here you are. You just can’t help yourself. Can you John?

  9. Jummy

    November 14, 2017 at 10:27 am

    Has having sex without emotions actually helped us as a generation?

    I don’t understand where there’s need to champion sex without emotions.

    I bought into this narrative and had sex with a couple of guys without any emotioal attachment to them, but I did not feel “liberated” I didn’t feel anything actually. I’ve done both and having sex with the one you love is EVERYTHING.

    When my boyfriend came into my life and told me wanted to make things official, I hesitated because I thought I still wanted to have mindless dates with other guys and not “tie myself down.

    I was ready to let an amazing man go because “sexual liberation”. I thank God I found God. He put my heart in the right perspective. Sexual purity is what I strive for now, I don’t care about “sexual liberation” anymore. I want to save myself for my husband, not because of patriarchy, but bexaiae it’s what God commands.

    Also, I will NEVER leave a GOOD man who says he would prefer I take his name after marriage. A last name change is not a deal breaker for me. Every (wo)man has a deal breaker. Just because your own is a last name change and mine isn’t doesn’t make you more woke than I am and doesnt make me the flagbearer of patriarchy.

    • john

      November 14, 2017 at 12:16 pm

      @jummy The truth has set u free and nothing is more liberating than telling ureself the ugly truth…but on a side note..why is that whenever women( expecially young women) have had sex with several men.. high body counts and mileage, forming feminist and strong and independent( reading all kinds of stupid books and articles) ….. suddenly in their 30’s and 40 ‘s finally realize that God dey exist …goto church u will see them ..I don’t get it even oloshos and run girls dey find God when they have wasted their bodies and even thier womb and filled with all kind of diseases..they no dey hear until it is late….SMH

    • tunmi

      November 15, 2017 at 8:32 pm

      o..kay….

      you see how you made those choices for yourself though?

  10. Vic

    November 14, 2017 at 10:28 am

    I just love this. It’s just about time we see the power we wield as women

  11. john

    November 14, 2017 at 10:34 am

    In the event there is a divorce – not that we pray for one,….who are u kidding..ure type pray , wish and hope to see and hear about couple divorcing…it makes u happy saying good,I know it..misery loves company…now I understand why married women are advised not to keep single women as friends…this is the kind of damaging advise they give them even before ure marriage has even started.

  12. Chief

    November 14, 2017 at 10:40 am

    What??Today’s society is vile..smh.We are now living in a world where morality has basically gone down the toilet.I think it’s a sick and twisted interpretation of western culture that is poisoning our women.Are women advocating for female promiscuity now? Why do so many shameless women want to match the behavior of men?Today’s women are becoming aggressive,mannish,unfeminine and they have no morals,the next generation is not even thinking about the word morals is not in their vocabulary.Self respect needs to be imparted on our daughters at a very young age but it seems that today’s women have lost it.Nothing remotely attractive about women trying to be men.A man and woman’s desire for sex is not basically the same.Men are designed to want sex while women are designed to withhold it..

    Feminism is destroying our society and it’s time for normal women to start fighting back.Honestly,women you are making men “pissed off” and “tired” with your petty gender politics and you really need to stop it,,because you are ripping the fabric of society to shreds.Women competing with men has now become socially acceptable,even fashionable,ubiquitous through social media smh Anyway,Stop competing with men,stop competing with nature.,y’all have been deluded by feminism.Women you have inborn feminine tendencies and you need to let them express instead of trying to squash them down in some sort of pathetic attempt just to be like a man.I’m starting to think this movement is a plot by unattractive women to knock attractive women down a peg.

    Moral of the story, Listen!! women what it means to be sexually independent is synonymous with being a slut,so be ready to be called a slut.Seriously,i think women have shot themselves in the foot,Thanks

  13. gbaskelebo

    November 14, 2017 at 10:48 am

    Oh please… not again! You, my dear is beyond redemption!

    • Cocoa

      November 14, 2017 at 6:29 pm

      NO! THAT IS A LIE!!! NOBODY IS BEYOND REDEMPTION. Please be mindful of what you say. What you just typed above is JUDGEMENT. ONLY GOD CAN SPEAK SUCH WORDS.
      You probably didn’t mean it..but please NEVER speak such words again.

  14. THE MUMMY

    November 14, 2017 at 10:48 am

    I don’t like the general ambience of this blog. Too many bitter women, the hatred for men is REAL on this blog, women who want to ‘sit on their men’s head’ all in the name of being independent, vicious, angry women, I would have thought uche pedro herself was a bitter and frustrated woman if i didn’t know her from my church. I wonder why a woman will hate a man and his God given authority and still want to marry him. DIE SINGLE PLEASE.

    • CrazyWorld

      November 14, 2017 at 11:31 am

      Mummy what did you just do? Oh no! They are coming for you….run!!!!!

      BTW what women say on BN and every other blog is different from what they do in real life. Nobody can be truly happy because of another human being. I think women are frustrated because they can’t find happiness in men (they love?) and this somehow birthed the whole Nigerian feminist thing. At the end of the day, you can’t do anything about it.

      For everyone hailing Cizi Eze, please let’s check up on her 10 years from now if we are still living and breathing and one app haven’t phased out the whole blogging world. While we wait, don’t forget the owner of BN is Uche Pedro. Don’t also forget that Pedro is Uche’s husband’s last name. Do not also forget that Uche is worth millions of dollars. Finally don’t forget Uche got married before the flood of feminist came onto us and she’s still married and she doesn’t also have a perfect marriage.

    • Hypocrites every where

      November 14, 2017 at 12:31 pm

      What about this insinuated hatred for men or misandry? Emancipate yourself from mental & societal slavery. That someone wants to be treated with the same human respect accorded to men doesn’t automatically mean they want to “sit on their head” as you’ve said. And you’d be bitter too the moment the scales fall off.
      P.s it’s very ignorant to assume that women who seek respect from men can’t be married to men. We all need each other.

    • Jummy

      November 14, 2017 at 12:58 pm

      @hypocrites, men SHOULD NOT be applauded for being promiscuous. It’s nothing to be proud of. If it’s nothing to be proud of, why do women want the same accolades given to men for promiscuity.

      God has NEVER tolerated sexual immorality. David is one example that comes to my mind. If God doesn’t like it, why should I applaud it?

      And please don’t talk about “live and let live
      That only applies when I say something you don’t agree with. Plus once you bring it to a public forum such as this you open it up to debate.

    • slice

      November 14, 2017 at 2:34 pm

      Open your Bible. Read it again. Then read your comment again. What would Jesus say

    • Cocoa

      November 14, 2017 at 6:23 pm

      Rather Harsh, no?

  15. yoma

    November 14, 2017 at 10:59 am

    i know a certain person who usually comes on these types of post to form independent woman and indeed has very strong opinions until she started calling my cousins hubby at 12 midnight etc to profess love and threaten the wife etc i will expose her soon ..very funny

    • Jummy

      November 14, 2017 at 11:43 am

      LMAO!
      That’s how they all are. I take authors like Cisi with a pinch of salt.

      So because men are promiscuous, you too are fighting for promiscuity? Is promiscuity a good thing that you want to be dragging with men?

      Western third-wave feminists have infiltrated Nigeria.

    • After all the story- still a man's world (I'm female)

      November 14, 2017 at 11:47 am

      amebo! don’t be part of a problem, be part of the solution.

    • I want to know

      November 14, 2017 at 3:34 pm

      Abeg, expose the person o jare!!! Who e be? Nahum? Californiabrawal? A Real Nigerian? Or is it Cisi herself? Spill the tea!!!

  16. Loki

    November 14, 2017 at 11:41 am

    Okay,, I’ve been reading the comments and frankly I have little hope for the human race. Why do we seek to empower ourselves by bringing down other people? I will never understand men who can only find their manhood and masculinity in the oppression of women. The black male could honestly be the least evolved creature on the planet. I hope not but WTF!
    And then there are the women who are bringing their morals and spirituality into the equation. Let’s leave faith aside and apply logic sometimes. Not everyone will share your faith. Christianity says one man, one wife. Islam says a man can have four wives. Why should one side claim superiority over the other? If a woman wants sexual autonomy, independence, whatever, how is it your damn business? Why should her morals be your own moral?. That’s why there is separation of Church and State in civilised places. We Nigerians that claim to be the most morally and spiritually superior, what will it take for us to open our eyes and see that our hypocrisy isn’t deceiving anybody?
    Live and let live people. If you are traditional, fine, your choice; but don’t take away the right to choose from other people with your moral grandstanding.

    • Jummy

      November 14, 2017 at 12:54 pm

      Who’s arguing the “live and let live” notion Loki? Why should I leave faith and morality and apply logic? Is logic the answer to every question on earth? Moreover, my faith and morality are deep held convictions and form the basis of my opinion, so why should I abandon them because they’ll give you the answers you don’t want to hear?

      I’m not going to infringe on your right to your sexuality, but I don’t have to agree with it. That’s what most people here are doing.

      Nobody is gonna physically stop Cisi from spreading her vagina all over Nigeria. However, we don’t have to personally agree with her standpoint.

      Plus she made it our business the minute she decided to talk about it on BN. Don’t be silly.

      And yes, I advocate for sexual purity across genders.

      Anything else?

    • LemmeRant

      November 14, 2017 at 12:57 pm

      I don’t know why you’re generalizing.

      Cisi has expressed her opinions, other people have also expressed their opinions.
      Not every time you must agree with the author in the comment section

    • Loki

      November 14, 2017 at 2:24 pm

      @Jummy – Give me the answers I don’t want to hear? The most important thing you need to note is that I DIDN’T ASK YOU. There actually needs to be a question for there to be an answer. Go figure and apply that thing in your skull called a brain. Regardless of what your pastor has told you, it is not for decoration.
      As for your completely asinine comment of how Cisi Eze can “spread her vagina” all over Nigeria, it is indicative of nothing except how exceptionally unintelligent you are. You are an indictment on the Nigerian educational system if anything. This article is in English; I don’t know how low your intellect has to be for you to interpret that she is advocating that everyone should sleep around. Read your Bible- it says it is the height of folly to proffer an opinion on a subject before fully understanding it (I’m paraphrasing in case that went over your head). The summary of this article is simple- don’t reduce women to their sexuality. Maybe take a class in history or any form of education and learn the place of women in history. Even till this 21st Century our supreme court ruled that a woman does NOT inherit property but is in fact part of the property to be inherited. That has been overruled now but it should give you a glimpse of the place of women in traditional societies. That proprietary status meant that our owners (men) has complete ownership over our bodies. It wasn’t about God or spirituality, it was about ownership and property.
      Your choice not to be promiscuous is that- a choice. Not because anybody is making you. I don’t believe in premarital sex but guess what, it is my choice. Not yours, not my Pastor’s, mine. It doesn’t make me better than the woman who chooses to do the opposite.
      Long story short- I’m not silly- YOU ARE.

    • Cocoa

      November 14, 2017 at 6:16 pm

      LOKI,
      you seem to wonder why we care what another does with their sexuality and as a result their body. It is true that not everyone will be of the Christian faith………

      However, do not forget that IMMORALITY of any sort, PROMISCUITY etc…AFFECTS US ALL AS A SOCIETY!

      A man or woman who ascribes to this idea of sexual liberation, although partaking in activities that did not include me…the consequences of which could directly affect me. The simplest example of this would be DISEASES.

    • Loki

      November 15, 2017 at 6:40 am

      @Cocoa, I’m going to respond to you because I think you’re very rational about this and I understand your position. But the fact is, sexual repression and judgement of women has not stopped the spread of disease. It has not even stopped sex. What it just brings about is lies and deceit. This article never said anyone should be promiscuous, it just says that most of our so called moral standards had nothing to do with morality but with the view of women as objects who’s only value is in their chastity. Kind of like buying a pure bred dog. If you are moralistic because someone is forcing you or shaming you into it, are you truly virtuous? Many women grew up hearing they shouldn’t be promiscuous because “no man will marry you”, “be a virgin so that your husband will value you”. I’m sorry but those are the most ridiculous reasons for chastity. I had to come to a personal understanding that I shouldn’t be promiscuous because if God values me so much as a person, then I must be valuable indeed and not toss pearls before swine. But I came to that understanding for myself and my faith not because some self righteous Christians were preaching virginity as a key to making a man happy and showing that you are from a good home which a lot of girls heard growing up. Everyone must be given the choice to get to that conclusion for themselves or not.. If I had a dollar for how many marriages ive seen that have problems because the woman has been taught that sex is a filthy thing that “good” girls dont indulge in and thereby frustrate their husbands, I’d be rich. One lady i know had two kids and told her husband that they had fulfilled the entire point of sex. The End. No more happy time after 7pm. Shes not a prostitute, she cannot be opening her legs upandan. Marriage broke up after 3 years. Sadly it is not an isolated incident. That is the result of “forced” virtue.
      An article on BN is not going to stop the spread of HIV but it might help that woman who thinks she’s worthless as a person just she’s has sex. Particularly as the same shame is not applied to the man she had sex with, who might even be praised by society for “chopping”.

  17. Marvel

    November 14, 2017 at 11:47 am

    Lmao @ THEMUMMY. No need to be soo harsh when correcting people you feel are morally/emotionally less than you na. Where did the love from your church go? A lot of women have witnessed stuff growing up. It stays with them so don’t label them bitter and angry.
    I adore this article for various reasons. Cisi Eze is bae!!

  18. Hypocrites every where

    November 14, 2017 at 11:52 am

    The liars, thieves, back bitters, false witness bearers etc become morally upright men and women alike when it comes to sex. Hilarious!!!
    Y’all keep missing the bloody point of these types of articles. Live and let live! It’s not advocating promiscuity. (If you’re against promiscuity, then it should go across board.) you can’t tell me that it’s ok for men to sleep around and amass bodies (body count) but in the same breath call a woman promiscuous when she does the same thing. You my friend are a bloody hypocrite! Simple! I personally do not agree with either but who I’m I to judge a person on what they decide to do with their OWN body??!! The biggest baffoons to me are the disease ridden men with bodies to fill multiple trucks saying that a woman is “unwifeable” with even 1/3rd of the same history when In reality they are their own definition of whores. Lol accept yourself bro n judge not lest ye be judged.

    • LemmeRant

      November 14, 2017 at 1:11 pm

      My beef with this your epistle is how you’re preaching “Live or let live” yet you’re attacking people that don’t subscribe to your opinions.

      So my sister you too live and let live.

  19. After all the story- still a man's world (I'm female)

    November 14, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    Not to pour water on Agege bread,but… I didn’t like this article. Why are we still talking about what men are allowed to do in an article titled “What it means for women…” Too much writing space spent on history. Sexuality transcends beyond just having extramarital affairs. It involves (perhaps) having the affair and then having the courage to switch your sexual partner if he doesn’t live up to expectations. It’s about being in the driver’s seat to choose which male partner will be best for passing on genes. Please read about Zsa Zsa Gabor. She’s my hero (yes, I said hero. Who makes these bleeping grammar rules anyways?)

    I think sexual independence should also include freedom in our sexual speech. The young lady that said she can travel from Lagos to Sokoto for d***shows sexual independence.

    What about our dressing? We cover up too much. Take us back to the days of Greek civilised nudity. Let a woman start a nude beach or a nude restaurant. Heck, I wanna start a male strip club in Nigeria for Naija women to lust their hearts out. Haha.

    Would have liked to see more -indepth analysis on the ideal sexual expression ( in different areas) for a woman.

    Cheers

    • Loki

      November 14, 2017 at 12:42 pm

      Male Strip club? I don’t know if that will sell. The naked male form is literally the most unpleasant visual imaginable. Even men don’t want to see themselves naked. And then what happens when it’s cold and Little Johnny refuses to come out and play. Next all the poorly endowed will be claiming “Grower Not Shower”…

  20. Moniker

    November 14, 2017 at 12:34 pm

    All these stories you people are saying, when the time comes, you will goan marry a man you wee be answering ‘yes sir’ to. Yet una de champion freedom here.
    But in all of these, that cover photo is the bomb.

  21. Anonymous

    November 14, 2017 at 12:49 pm

    What the heck is this?! Is this write up all in a desperate bid to sound, feel or come across as different?!
    Breaking news, scriptures can never be broken, no man, woman, boy or girl has the power or ability to change God’s order, as to do so will always have an adverse effect.
    Who told you society “invented virginity” to make sure a woman has sex with only her husband?

    We now live in a society where moral decadence is celebrated and applauded but to fuel it further is wrong on all levels.
    If a woman believes she can now act like a man, good for her but I believe these demented views and values should be shared amongst like minds.

    As much as we all may not be accountable to any human being and can live as we choose remember, we are ultimately accountable to God for the way we live our lives.
    Question is, what values are you trying to instill in people? What, exactly is the aim of this write-up, (no response needed please), is it to build, destroy, alter, reinvent or what?

    Time will not permit me to expatiate on certain fallacious statements made here but please always get your facts right and do a proper research before writing.
    To those very predictable individuals that are only gifted in replying to other peoples’ comments, as opposed to coming up with intelligent comments of their own as it relates to the topics usually addressed, steer clear from my space!!

    • Jummy

      November 14, 2017 at 1:03 pm

      *gasp*!
      You dared to bring your faith and discussion in a topic about sexuality? How dare you?! You’re only allowed to “apply logic” and “live and let live”.

      They’re gonna come for you in a minute.

  22. Ephi

    November 14, 2017 at 1:23 pm

    I just wonder what kind of legacy Uche Pedro is trying to build… Everything has become a gender war on this site these days. Jeez. Like we don’t have enough issues on our plates in this country, like we are not divided enough already along tribal and religious lines, now it is division on gender lines. Kontinu.

    • Fizzy

      November 14, 2017 at 3:31 pm

      it’s just a post. Why burst a vein? you don’t like this post, read another.

  23. Engoz

    November 14, 2017 at 3:31 pm

    Too many angry tears below…it is so hilarious.
    Society did not remember ‘moral decadence’ when men were shooting semen like a machine gun to all and sundry, it is when women explore their own sexuality these same societal riffraffs start shouting how the world is coming to an end, lmao. This is the one sided hypocritical morality patriarchy was built on. They don’t have a problem with promiscuity or sexual liberation per se, they have a problem with women. Otherwise this topic would have been digested as no I don’t believe in sexual liberation vs yes I believe in it for both genders. Sensible people should not fall for these scare tactics that have no bearing. If you have slept with more than one woman or man, I really do not see why you will be offended by this topic. Unless you are a HYPOCRITE. Hypocrisy is the the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform.

    Womanhood was beclouded by a single narrative defined by patriarchal witchcraft. It is great to have women with different approaches to life and defining their existences their own way. For me, I don’t need male ‘friendship’. It’s a waste of my precious time. So I choose holding men to the same standards they held/hold women by. A man is not a player, he is a promiscuous nigga. He is a slut, a prostitute and a whore. I introduce that in my vocabulary when I come across such immoral display of sexuality in manhood.

    Furthermore, financial independence is so important. We can’t say this enough. Recently I was thinking instead of fighting for the father’s landed property in Igbo land, why can’t mothers buy and plan to will their daughters landed properties and inheritance? Poverty is sexist as they say. Introducing a system like this will encourage some financial stability for our girls.

    • Engoz

      November 14, 2017 at 4:07 pm

      Too many angry tears above*

    • Loki

      November 14, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      Don’t bother. You can’t override conditioning with any amount of logic. Why do you think we are still the Dark Continent upon all our “morality”?, We think we can make 1+1= whatever the damn I confess and spiritualise it to be. Someone wrote a paper about about the history of female sexual oppression and people are calling in spiritual references. The entire basis of the message of God is choice. Not humiliation, force or compulsion. CHOICE. A word many people do not seem to understand as if it is some zero sum equation that the freedom of a woman to choose how she expresses herself sexually is absolutely = to the Great Slut of Babylon.

    • Engoz

      November 14, 2017 at 6:11 pm

      @loki.

      I don’t know the kind of god they are worshipping that permits them to be HYPOCRITES. They think God is stupid. When a Nigerian calls god or quote bible verses you’d better question it. We can clearly see the fruits of their ‘morality’ in that satanic country, lmao!

    • Chief

      November 14, 2017 at 6:11 pm

      @Engoz

      Personal ad hominem attacks are rather pathetic kronk and do not upset us one little bit.None of your disrespect says anything about men but just gives more information to readers as how feminism has turned many women into unthinking misandrists and hypocrites..What your tiny rigid little mind can’t quite absorb is that men are not to be blamed.As a real man i find it sad and disheartening to read a comment like yours..Your comment is nothing but infantile playground name calling and a foolish display of bitter misandry.Stop sewing unreasonable and disproportionate hatred against men..

      How presumptuous of you,you are not speaking for every women each time you mention women.Your opinions/feelings/moods do not apply to every woman..You angry misandrist masquerading yourselves as a feminist make stupid comment and assume that you will go free without being countered..You want to show us strength? You want to be like men and enjoy the privileges of being woman.Embrace your femininity and then channel it as a woman.

      Listen! patriarchy is generally not an explicit ongoing effort by men to dominate women.It is a long standing system that we are born into and participate in,mostly unconsciously.Why am i replying online feminist warrior on BN and ice cold water at home like you??? Bunch of hypocrites…..

    • Engoz

      November 15, 2017 at 2:31 am

      @Olodo Chief

      Rubbish. What has exposing the hypocritical nature of patriarchal cultures got to do with denying femininity? Oh because they say you should hold males and females by the same sexual standards you are crying on the Internet????

      My arguments are always superior to your arguments. So I don’t see how you came to the conclusion that I’m averse to being countered. It is you people that fear being countered on BN o. Please o counter me. So that I can expose your illiteracy and senility in your arguments.

      Are you angry I called you a hypocrite? You are yet to give me a reason why you are not a flamboyant and glamorous hypocrite. If you hold people by standards you can’t keep, you are a flaming hypocrite. Kill yaself if it pains you too much. Idiot!

  24. Satanist

    November 14, 2017 at 4:31 pm

    If only we can open our minds for a little while and keep religion aside. This article does not in any way ask a woman to spread her vagina across borders but says a woman should be free to decide what to do with her own body.

    If you want to be celibate or a virgin or want to have meaningless sex, then by all means do so without feeling guilty about it. Why does society tell us that men are polygamous in nature? Why does it say men are moved by what they see? Why does it tell us to ‘close our legs’ and be ‘virgins’ but does not hold the men to the same standards? Why can’t a woman see a man she likes and just have sex with him and move on? Not everyone wants a husband or a partner but some people want to have sex and sex without any form of attachment.

    If your religion preaches sexual purity please go ahead and be pure but don’t also forget that our religion says you should not steal, kill, or be envious. So don’t take one part and leave the other and by the way, no one wants to take the position of the man, we just want to be treated same and fair as one born with a penis.

    • Loki

      November 14, 2017 at 6:30 pm

      This your username is not exactly helping our argument, I must confess.
      But who am I to judge? After all I’m Loki. Maybe we should focus on roaming the earth to and fro looking for whom to devour… That’s what the sanctimonious pharisees here seem to think we’re doing anyway…

  25. Cocoa

    November 14, 2017 at 5:58 pm

    What utter silliness is this? So this is what it has come to? Fighting for right to sleep around without blame or shame? SMH!!!
    Feminism has really become something else.
    I do not identify with this new wave of feminism.

    I am NOT the same as a MAN. I AM A WOMAN, proudly so.
    I do not want to be a STRONG, INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN. Nope! I am SELF SUFFICIENT with GOD as my SOURCE and humans as my RESOURCE.

    I NEED A MAN. I was in no way created to do it all on my own and i don’t want to.

    Back to the topic at hand….LETS NOT BE SHAMELESS LADIES.

    • Engoz

      November 14, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      Errr, as someone rightfully asked above is it not women men sleep with outside the marital institution? So according to your logic – that you are not a man because you don’t sleep around – these women men sleep with are MEN then? So is Chief sleeping with men when he engages in sexual dalliances outside the marital institution? Abajo, lmao.??

      This article is simple. Hold men and women to the same moral standards. O ti tan. Men who sleep around cannot start expecting virginity or some form of sexual purity from women. It is only hypocritical.

      Personally, I will hold men by the same sexual standards they hold women by. This one is harder and more pleasurable.???

    • COMMENTER

      November 15, 2017 at 7:22 pm

      Feminism asks for equal treatment of men and women. Why should one party be shamed and the other not? Why is there disparity in the outcomes? Why are both parties not held accountable? Sleeping around is a personal moral/sexual choice that is not gender bound and I am not condoning it. My point is that it is a personal choice. However, men and women should be treated the same way. A man cheats or has sex before marriage etc… he is being a “man”. A woman does the same and she is all things from hell. Why is there so much disparity in how we hold women accountable and how we hold men accountable?

      Men need women and women need men. PERIOD! A womans life does not start after she marries and neither does a mans life start after he married. They can all survive independently of each other and be relatively happy. They each had lives before marriage. If they do come together, they should both complement each others life!

  26. Cocoa

    November 14, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    NO! THAT IS A LIE!!! NOBODY IS BEYOND REDEMPTION. Please be mindful of what you say. What you just typed above is JUDGEMENT. ONLY GOD CAN SPEAK SUCH WORDS.
    You probably didn’t mean it..but please NEVER speak such words again.

  27. john

    November 14, 2017 at 6:39 pm

    @cocoa dont mind them..the bottom line of all their feminist mantra is the ability to sleep around like the “so called men” .that is all…okay let us go by that argument..so sleeping around is now a good thing.. women sleeping around even favours men..why do u think all this beautiful oloshos and run girls dey sleep with..ghosts?…wrong is wrong..that is one problem I have with black women and the black race in general..they are only good at copying all the bad things from the west but never the good thing…it just like black people fighting against slavery then later turn around and say if white people did it for hundreds of years( white privilege) so we black people can do it too..that is it.. ..wrong is wrong ( whether men have been doing it for thousands of years).I just hope that the daughters of loki and engoz will follow their advice and feminist mantra of what men can do we can do it too ( whether it is wrong)..atleast the high number of run girls will keep increasing….whether women sleeps around or not..one way or the other it favours men.

  28. gbaskelebo

    November 14, 2017 at 7:15 pm

    Apologies…I guess I went overboard with that… sometimes we define reason and logic separately, they can only be viewed through the untrammeled sight of knowledge, the way Cisi Eze writes, though her view, she speaks as if it is absolute, self evident and a TRUTH! which in this case is not true, knowledge actually is not knowing, but acknowledging the level of your ignorance, that is true knowledge and I dare say her article most times bothers around sophistry. She should give this feminist thing a break.

    • Cocoa

      November 15, 2017 at 2:27 am

      No worries my dear.

  29. mie

    November 14, 2017 at 7:55 pm

    It is hilarious reading the comments. As an aside, me I’ve just always wondered why men were/are not shamed for having sex outside wedlock, but women were. It’s not like the men/women slept with ghosts, borrowing someone else’s analogy from above. Why shame/punish one party and leave the other? I can’t believe people have always done (are still doing) this through time and never stopped to just think about it. :/

    So, I think both sexes have been taught to need the other in a very unhealthy arrangement. The man has mostly been wired to believe his existence or usefulness is determined by how much he can provide for the woman in all ways (sexually, financially, etc). The woman is subjugated and made to believe the man is her alpha and omega which she cannot live or function without. The man is therefore threatened by independence for the woman, because he thinks that violates the very thread of his essence. Even the woman is threatened by the idea of that independence. But independence for one is independence for the other. Equality between both sexes. In fact, we are meant to be equal as humans, no special rules for a particular sex, class, race or age. But the wickedness of our hearts will not let us be great. Sigh. Why can’t we all just be whole human beings, and live in inter-dependence, and not co-, in-
    or dependence. And if you choose to follow a spiritual/religious path, then let your dependence be on your Spiritual Alpha, or whatever your religion prescribes. Shikena! But then again I guess some of these religions actually perpetuate these inequalities we are talking about.

    Sha, the problem I had with the article was I wasn’t sure if the author wanted to talk about financial or/and sexual independence and how it seemed a bit all over the place. I like well-edited and structured essays (pls dont judge me by my this my “epistle-y” comment, lol). The article presents a very interesting (albeit not entirely novel) view on female independence. I’m particularly intrigued by the citations, and reasons given for social repression of the female gender over time, hmmm….

    I agree with those non-evidence based lies that are told e.g. “men are logical women are emotional” – rubbish, if men were so not led by their feelings why then do you then turn around again to say “men are moved by what they see”. Or men are polygamous by nature (errr, how was this determined?). It’s about time we stopped telling ourselves and kids these lies; everyone is/can be emotional and logical, moved by what they see, can have multiple partners, can control their urges be it sexual or otherwise. With exception of biological traits which are very few, there’s very little difference between men and women that make them deserve special treatment. And besides, it’s not like anyone chose their natural gender/sex,or race, colour, etc and even age (but people will come and tell me i want to be disrespectful now), why treat anyone specially because of these things they had no party in making happen? Everyone deserves to be treated the same and respected because they are humans, and not treated as superior unless they have earned it. And maybe I have digressed. Lol..I better stop typing now.

  30. john

    November 14, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    @cocoa dont mind them..the bottom line of all their feminist mantra is the ability to sleep around like the “so called men” .that is all…okay let us go by that argument..so sleeping around is now a good thing.. women sleeping around even favours men..why do u think all this beautiful oloshos and run girls dey sleep with..ghosts?…wrong is wrong..that is one problem I have with black women and the black race in general..they are only good at copying all the bad things from the west but never the good thing…it just like black people fighting against slavery then later turn around and say if white people did it for hundreds of years( white privilege) so we black people can do it too..that is it.. ..wrong is wrong ( whether men have been doing it for thousands of years).I just hope that the daughters of loki and engoz will follow their advice and feminist mantra of what men can do we can do it too ( whether it is wrong)..atleast the high number of run girls will keep increasing….whether women sleeps around or not..one way or the other it favours men.

  31. Momotaro

    November 16, 2017 at 12:12 am

    I see John, Chief and Lemmerant have come to dance skelewu in the comment section. So predictable and boring. We get it, you hate women, you abhor feminism, female empowerment disgusts you. We know. Move on already!

  32. Biss

    July 11, 2018 at 7:36 am

    Not sure if this article is scientifically or statistically true. I am a woman, and biologically men are more sexually interested than women. We can observe this from an early age. This is due to evolutionary theory.
    Also, i don’t think that society has abused only women for having sex outside the relationship. Men are still bashed for cheating, and in some countries even for having sex before marriage.

    We should focus more on positive things and how to help women and men to live happily, not on bashing each other

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