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Young Forever: Visiting a Man at Home is No Justification for Rape

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Recently, on social media, there has been some debate on whether ladies who visit the houses of men are calling for sex. This debate just saddens me. On social media, when you read of a case of rape or sexual harassment, people question the victim on their reason for visiting the perpetrator.

Questions like “why did she visit him, if she did not want to have sex?” abound.

This whole thing just confuses me. Is it that men have no self-control? Are they raging animals that cannot control their libido? Are women solely objects of sexual satisfaction, don’t we have decent men anymore, can’t a lady? Is a woman not allowed to visit a man, without having sex?

Honestly, when did we get to this extent of no morals, no decorum, victim blaming?

One fateful weekend on Twitter, someone did a poll asking guys who they would choose between a girl they were chasing for months who finally agreed to spend the night and a male friend who has an interview around that area and wants to spend the night at the same house because of distance.

Majority of the responses from men said they would pick the girl, because they couldn’t pass out on an opportunity for sex. That poll is the reason I decided to write this post today… because I had been putting off writing this article.

It’s unfortunate that while society spent all its time bringing up girls to be responsible human beings and good people, the men were left out of the equation.

We succeeded in making men feel like lords and kings who need not have any sense of responsibility or duty; being a man is good enough.

Now in Nigeria, a lot of men have a feeling of entitlement and superiority, like women were made for them. They believe women were made to satisfy them.

We have forgotten to bring up our boys right; now we have a disaster in our hands. A Nigerian celebrity, put out a post saying that women should be able to move freely around without being harassed and a man, a fellow man said the way a woman dresses dictates whether she would be sexually harassed or not.

The unfortunate thing is that the average Nigerian man feels that a woman visiting him is calling for sex. The average Nigerian man in his heart of heart feels very strongly, that as a man a woman is an object of sexual satisfaction. That is why you will hear silly excuses like: why did she go out alone? Why is she dressed like that? Why did she visit him if she knew she didn’t want to have sex?

I remember a year ago, I went to visit a male friend of mine at home and after about an hour, he said to me, do you trust me so much that you visited me? I didn’t understand what he meant. Then he continued, don’t visit men oh, you can’t trust anybody, you don’t know what they are capable of doing.

When I was in 300 level, I remember one of my guardians telling me not to visit a guy who lives alone. According to her I could be raped, and this was like 10 years ago.

It’s unfortunate that consciously or unconsciously we’ve all accepted that we should protect our girls from men. Like men are uncontrollable animals. If you disagree, why do we tell girls don’t walk on that path alone? In our subconscious we’ve agreed that men are animals who do things without thinking, just to satisfy themselves.

As if all this is not enough, ladies now have to cope with blame; victim blaming. A girl is raped or sexually harassed but instead of condemning the abuser and the act, instead of giving justice to the victim, the victim is blamed for an action that was done against her.

You begin to hear: why did you go to that concert? Why did you go to his house? Why this? Why that?

We’ve successfully omitted the abuser and given reasons for his stupid actions and then transferred the blame to the woman, because as a man in Nigeria, your actions are always justifiable.

This is not a man-bashing article, no. It is an article written out of grief and sadness for the society we presently live in. This is a call for our men to do better; you guys are more than this honestly.

Ladies, be intentional about who you call a friend, be intentional about your relationships. And while you are it, please don’t visit a man you cannot vouch for (who can you trust sef?) If anything happens, people would ask you why you went there.

Men, I don’t want to believe you guys are uncontrollable animals who have no respect for women. Don’t be an animal, cultivate meaningful friendships and relationships. Be different. Don’t join the bandwagon of rapists and sexual abusers. A woman is not the object of your sexual fantasy.

Fathers and Mothers raise your sons well, teach them to respect women. The same hand you use to discipline your daughters should be the same hand you use to discipline your sons. Teach your sons that waiting until marriage is best, otherwise that a NO is a NO. Teach them what consent is. Most importantly, show them how people should be treated, by the way, you treat each other.

Dearest society, please stop blaming victims when they courageously speak out and seek justice. Believe victims and stop trying to justify the attack.

Lastly, to the men, what is it about a woman’s visit that implies you must have sex with her?

Thank you for reading; I await your thoughts in the comment section.

Photo CreditDreamstime

Adejoke was born in Zaria, Kaduna State (which she absolutely has no recollection of) and graduated from the University of Abuja with a BSc in Accounting at Gwagwalada (which she can’t believe she still lives in).She started writing because her life was boring and had no one to talk to, so she thought, why don’t I talk with the whole world?Her blog www.memoirsofagreatlady.com was born after she discovered a passion for writing, and that writing is therapeutic as she now lives a joyful purposeful life.If you visit the blog, its description says, a lifestyle blog created with a purpose to impact and inspire people to live their best life (helping people to have sense) which sums up what she loves to do.When she is not writing, she is baking (she makes the best chocolate cake) or disturbing her sister who she loves to pieces.

15 Comments

  1. northern lights

    December 27, 2017 at 7:02 am

    My dear na so we see am o…Only God knows the day that society as a whole, everywhere sef not just here will begin to see women as full and complete beings…but we must NEVER grow weary of calling out in justices like this and shaming the perpetrators accordingly. meanwhile we must learn to protect ourselves as much as we can, it is sad that we have to but it’s necessary.at least until we reach a time that men compete with each other on who can grow bigger BRAINS than balls

  2. buuuu

    December 27, 2017 at 8:26 am

    I met this guy early dis year, one thing led to another we became very close.for my mind I know nothing serious could ever come out of it. I do visit him after work spend d whole afternoon together.I trusted him so much. fast forward two weeks ago , Oga change, started touching and everything I knew I ave over stayed my welcome so I stop going to his place. then one evening he came over to my place and things almost happen but thank God. I blamed myself for days thinking I was loose or something but sincerely can’t we jux ave a decent friendship or relationship with our men without sex coming into their mind and even though it comes can’t u control urself

  3. Kenny Davies

    December 27, 2017 at 8:30 am

    I can tell you my story and I believe your notion about these would change a bit

    • Young Forever

      December 27, 2017 at 12:46 pm

      I would love to hear your story Please.

  4. Lol

    December 27, 2017 at 9:57 am

    I was visiting Nigeria on holiday and I went to stay over at my friend’s house whilst in Lagos. He was leaving in a flat with his sisters and had a girlfriend.
    I was about nodding off when he got into bed with me. I was horrified and asked him what he was doing. He said he was in for a cuddle. Then he started begging for sex. I told him to leave otherwise I would scream for his sisters.
    In the morning, he said I’m so proud of myself I didn’t sleep with you. I felt so bad for him, a guest in your house, friends for 10 years…and he just proclaimed he was proud for not raping me.
    It ruined my image and broke my trust in him. This supposedly gentle intelligent kind guy. He later asked me out and all I could think of was how many women had he raped, would he rape our househelp. He is an investment banker, would he rape his junior female colleagues. He had bent his pedestal.

  5. Ajala & Foodie

    December 27, 2017 at 11:41 am

    This is not a Nigerian phenomenon. It is a worldwide issue. Why do you think 2017 was full of sexual harassment disclosures in the US? Where celebs, politicians and top US personalities were all accused, and many even accepting responsibility for their actions. We heard of men exposing their genitals to women who had visited their hotel rooms, their “excuse/reason”, they thought these women visiting them meant interest or consent(sounds familiar?). Some still maintain that for this reason “nothing was done under duress i.e sexual interest was mutual”.

    When this began happening I had to ask myself, if men still got away with sexual harassment in Countries like the US where there are laws to protect victims, then what should we expect of Countries like Nigeria? Anyway, what I am trying to say is this: 1) The issue is not only an average “Nigerian” issue, the sooner we learned that the better for us, rape, sexual harassment, victim blaming is not restricted to Nigerian soil alone, remember the Stanford student from a wealthy home, whose father wrote a retarded letter after his son raped a passed out female student? Yea, there were people who blamed the girl for getting that “wasted”, for going to a party alone. So no, it is not the average “Nigerian” man problem. 2) We women are our biggest problem with sexual harassment, when it comes to victim shaming you are most likely going to find women front and center championing the cause. Many women in authority both in Nigeria and at least the US have been known to cover up/ do nothing about valid accusations in a bid to either protect a brand i.e $$$ or a job. Victims are usually sacrificed for the “greater good” of the Company, Country or brand. There are also women who have made it difficult to take this wicked act seriously as some see it as a $$$ making venture, some give consent and then cry wolf, others just make it up and pick a random victim (see the Nelly story) . The problem with that is that when true victims come forward some people remain suspicious because of stories like this.

    So until we women are willing and ready to address these issues with ourselves, men will continue to sexually objectify women. As sick as this may sound, do we expect people that benefit from a system to be our main champions ? Until then we will need to keep protecting the girl child. Telling them not to visit a guy at home, not to go places alone, to do all that we can to ensure that we are at least doing our best to protect ourselves from these evil perpetrators because dogs or not, we women have contributed and continue to contribute to this epidemic.

    • tunmi

      December 27, 2017 at 4:12 pm

      You’re right. The day I realized we women enable this ish was…I think I truly realized it with the Kemen issue on BBNaija. It is us that forces women to be less than in the face of men. It’s aunties and your mothers that pound it in your head that your worth is tied to a man. We’ve focused on what men do and say so much that we ignore what we do to ourselves. We really do the most.

    • Mz Socially Awkward.....

      December 27, 2017 at 6:26 pm

      When the #MeToo campaign kicked off on social media, I did a mental assessment of my working life vis-a-vis sexual harassment & realised that this issue has affected me in 3 out of the 4 companies/firms where I’ve built my career.

      And if we further breakdown those 3 employers, only one of them is Nigerian. The other two are UK companies. Just to reiterate that harassment can come in any color.

      Between the two UK companies, I’ve encountered the unwanted physical attention of a director and of a logistics handler. Just to show you that harassment can come from any direction. In the Nigerian office it was the office manager. And I never reported any of these men at the time or afterwards, which is the gravest sin…. I always gave an excuse each time (maybe I shouldn’t have bared my arms [director], maybe I shouldn’t have been in an empty office [office manager], maybe I should have been less friendly [logistics handler]).

      Maybe, maybe, maybe. Women are often our own worst enemies by not reporting these evils and I stand guilty of this. It’s the single biggest regret of my working life, that each of these men could continue to repeat their offence on other unsuspecting women because I didn’t expose them.

      And this is one major reason why a depressingly large number of men of all shades across the world will continue to treat us as sexual objects – there seems to be no consequence for their behaviour. I’m trying to rectify my previous lack of action with a request to the HR department, about running a sexual misconduct campaign. Don’t know how far it’ll go with the powers-that-be but I really hope it’s taken seriously.

  6. Ajala & Foodie

    December 27, 2017 at 11:45 am

    Dear BN, I know it is the holiday season and we are all enjoying Jollof and pounded yam, but please if you are going to keep posting articles and wanting our participation via comments, can you step up your moderation speed? Taking the time to type out a response and the comment not showing up until 2-3 days later is a tad frustrating and annoying.

  7. MadanYe...

    December 27, 2017 at 11:56 am

    Just reading the title of this article my immediate reaction was ‘is are we still here???’ Long sigh….

  8. Dami

    December 27, 2017 at 2:53 pm

    It’s really sad that this is the world we live in, it’s even more scary when guys you consider your friends say stuff like, she has been giving him green light so what did she expect. The subject is consent is so simple but somehow it appears it is difficult for a lot of people to understand. NO means NO.

  9. ree

    December 27, 2017 at 3:40 pm

    keep visiting

  10. Anonymous

    December 27, 2017 at 3:59 pm

    After reading the article and the few responses, the conclusion of the matter is….
    “a WORD is enough for the WISE” and “WISDOM is profitable to direct”.

    It is wiser to “err on the side of caution”.

  11. Jane

    December 27, 2017 at 5:27 pm

    Sometimes, sleeping over at a guy’s house can’t be avoided, I get that. Having said that, if I can help it, I ain’t sleep over at guy’s house premeditated. Not NO HOW! Not NO WAY! I’m not using my pussy to give benefit of the doubt mbok! I’m not saying if you happen to get assaulted when sleeping over at a guy’s house that it’s your fault cause that’s just dumb. It’s just that it really is better to be safe than sorry. You really can’t vouch for anyone dude – not even your father (sad but true). Haven’t you seen the stats that most sexual assault cases are perpetrated by people known to the victims? Like breh, I love my male friends dearly, but no vex breda, even if it’s 3am in the morning, as long as I’m not stranded, I’m going HOME. I no like trouble abeg. Don’t like sleeping with one eye closed. No thanks bruv, I wont be sleeping on your couch or the opposite side of the bed. But if I really have no choice, my door (If there’s one) will remain LOCKED to the morrow! Call me paranoid, but it is what it is. I don’t want to hear “Sorry, it’s just that I like you so much” or “I really don’t know what came over me” or “Please now, just the tip” Hehehe!.

  12. molarah

    December 28, 2017 at 4:01 pm

    This matter no straight as you talk am.

    There’s blatant harassment, where its clear unwanted contact happened (and every woman worth her double X chromosome would rise in defense against), and there’s this grey she-said-yes-she-said-no area.

    I’m saying this because of the example you used above. A girl you’ve been asking out “finally agrees to spend the night over”. Its probably the naivety around men ingrained into our upbringing that’s messing up our thinking in this area. I’m sorry, but this kind of agreement get as e be. Except he’s signed some sort of agreement to keep sex off the table (and is the kind of gentleman to keep his word), expect anything my dear. If rape occurs, the girl will rightly be asked if she was forced to stay over at his place. Don’t be playing these kind of russian roulette with yourself abeg. You hope for good in humanity, but we know there are twisted people out there: why keep yourself in harm’s way? This kind of warning falls in the same category of ” look both ways before you cross the street”, and that doesn’t elicit a thesis on why the society is now a dangerous place because drivers cannot be trusted. Now if you had to stay over because you had no place else to go, rape would be a violation of trust and would elicit the kind of reaction abusive childminders, spouses, etc get.

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