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Nkem Says: The Man, the Woman & The Table

Nkem Ndem

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I hate to be the girl that moans about how hard life is, but yeah…the last 12 days have been rather difficult. I mean, good things have happened, but the fact that I have had to deal with a broken or rather malfunctioning laptop has just been utterly awful.

Every writer understands the importance of having a functional laptop, Wi-Fi and electricity, especially when you have tall deadlines glaring at you from all angles. And no client believes you when you say that you have laptop issues, they just assume you are being dishonest or you are looking for a way to stretch your deadlines or wriggle out of it.

Your integrity, basically is at stake.

The problem with my DELL XPS 13 seemed to be a tough one, so I was asked to take it to Ikeja. And seeing as I have never really been to Computer Village, Ikeja, on my own, I decided to head out with a neighbour who worked on the mainland. He promised to drop me off at the address I was given too. After we left the compound, however, he picked up 3 other friends (all male) who usually joined him to work in the mornings and before long the “gisting” started.

First, they argued over the coming 2019 elections, then went to football and somehow got to plastic sex dolls. While they talked about the silicon dolls and how they are a better option than women who are actually human, someone made a comment that vexed my soul. He said “better to even take the doll home to your parents than a woman in this Nigeria, because what is she really bringing to the table that this doll will not bring? If they take away their Vagina and the mouth they use in sucking d**ks, what can they really offer?

He went on to lament on how men are expected to make all the money, worship the woman, give her a child, give her attention when she craves it, never complain, but always give the woman more and more to appease her every whim … all for a “wet hole”.

First of all, that was a very vulgar an offensive thing to say in front of a woman (me); two, his comments revealed how utterly bizarre his thinking was…and I was not having it (at least in my head)

The last time I recall feeling the level of disgust his words made me feel was when I encountered Sigmund Freud’s views on women and female sexuality. He suggested that women were simply men without penises, and since women don’t have a penis, they (the women) experience penis envy, which is the jealousy little girls feel towards boys and the resentment towards their mothers (whom they blame for not having a penis).

I was so close to tapping him on the shoulder and asking him: “…and what exactly do men bring to the table that makes it okay for them to judge a woman based on what she brings to the table?

She must not be fat; no weaves or weavon; natural face only; must cook well; must look banging in a bikini; must have impeccable hygiene; must be employed; must not have any children; also, must not be a feminist…the list is long. But the truth is, a lot of men make all these demands but have nothing to offer.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having demands. I’m all for men requiring more from the women they deal with, but the thing is, if you have all these demands, you need to have something of equal or greater value to offer.

Men have to wake up and really understand this. You also have to be able to bring something to the table. The only thing some men bring to the table are also just their penis (which usually is less than average). And the modern woman is starting to realize that the long-eyed snake isn’t worth all the other BS. Like men, women too now need incentives for every action they take. We are far gone from the ‘90s when she will attach herself to a man because society has put pressure on her or because the man just has a job and drives a car.

As far as what the today’s woman brings to the table in the marriage is concerned, it varies from case to case. Some girls offer financial independence but are not willing to give up their career to start a family, some are nurturing and have no issues with managing the household chores themselves, while others demand their husbands to share those responsibilities, e.t.c. there are all kinds of permutations and combinations as far as what she brings to the marriage/relationship table these days. But that is not enough for men to do a cost-benefit analysis against women . They should not be question women what they bring on the table anyways…at all.

Seriously, if you are man and you ever want to ever get married before you die, don’t ask what the woman is bringing to the table. Instead ask yourself the question, if I want to keep this woman around, what I am bringing to the table? Because…what exactly are do you bring to the table for a woman?

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

7 Comments

  1. Jummy

    February 2, 2018 at 2:16 pm

    Both parties should think deeply about what they bring to the table, but also have the right to demand certain qualities from their partners.

    I also heard this “what do these women bring to the table apart from their vagina?” From some guy recently. I guess it depends on the calibre of men you surround yourself with, and vice versa.

    The man I’m dating definitely brings MUCH MORE than food and his penis to the table. I’ve never learned so much and never been so awed by any man in my entire life as I have been with him.

    I would also like to believe that i bring much more to the table than just a pretty face and vagina (we’re waiting till marriage though)

    • John

      February 2, 2018 at 4:41 pm

      My name is John….I am a wannabe alpha male…This article reeks of silliness….bla bla bla….women and their fish brain….Nkem and Cisi never surprise me…..all women don’t have sense….bla bla…..I know I’m a weak man just trying to project my insecurities by constantly bashing women….but I can’t help myself….more bla bla bla….I live for BN articles….just so I can get my women bashing fix….even more bla bla bla….see you next time there is a gender based article….so I can come back with some more of my asinine generalizations and bla bla bla

      PS: Where are my fellow men of the tribe of misogyny, Chief and Paul Adeyemo? I miss you both. Come back and let’s continue with our dim witted and misguided comments.

  2. Larz

    February 2, 2018 at 4:20 pm

    Thanks Jummy, i was just about to say this. Dear Nkem, if you know what you are brining to the table and you believe it is of the highest value then surely you will aim to bestow that gift on someone else that will also bring something valueable to the table.

    About the guys in the car, that they are mostly guys and usually talk like that is no excuse for what they said. Dem no get friends, female siblings, daughters or mothers ni? I dont have friends / acquittances that will talk like this with their friends in front of me. If I did, it would be the end of that friendship. Why? Becasuse they reduce a woman to her privates and mouth. that is a step back from those that think a woman’s place is ONLY in the kitchen- at least there they acknowledge their physical ability to work there

  3. Akara Pancake

    February 2, 2018 at 5:46 pm

    On a side note, this sex doll thing seems to be bothering some women more than it should, and mostly because small-minded or mischievous men have used it to play on their insecurities.

    Sex dolls will never and can never replace the love, companionship and friendship of a good woman. Note key word: “good”, and not “perfect” as nobody is perfect and should expect perfection from another human being.

    A sex doll is plastic/rubber/latex and has no soul. It cannot share a dream; it cannot birth your seed while you hold its hand; it cannot provide the camaraderie, glow, empathy, light,soul, vibe that a good woman would give you. All it provides is 5 minutes of base pleasure (max, as right minded person humps a piece of plastic for longer, if at all). It wont seat up at night laughing at your dry or infectious jokes, or ask you how your day went with genuine interest. You cannot watch it grow from a young lady you married into a woman that is a conqueror, matriarch and achiever.

    Those guys were just being mischievous, immature or plain rude. I am sure you know that, as you sound like you know better, but there is a piece to be written, and a “tall deadline” to be scaled.

    But it is worrisome that there are actually young impressionable females out there who fear that the rise of sex dolls actually threatens their future as wives, girlfriends etc. As if that is the only role a woman can and should perform.

    • Meya

      February 3, 2018 at 12:14 pm

      You have covered one angle but not the ills that addiction to such dolls can cause. Every thing you said about what a good woman bring is true and I agree with it all. I am not here to scare people but “IF” these sex dolls become popular and normal, it will have effects on normal healthy relationships. Imagine an situation where a young man has his first experience with a sex doll and comes to accept these kind of sexual relationship as normal. It will take a lot to persuade such a person to change.

      I am assuming that there are some women addicted to sex toys as these toys do what some men simply cannot do. Imagine a situation where some men become addicted to these dolls.

      I am hoping that the craze of addiction to these things don’t take place as the effect can be devastating for the people involved.

  4. olanna+odenigbo

    February 3, 2018 at 4:26 pm

    I guess sometimes it makes sense to respond directly to that kind of man who made these comments, but I often do not….cos when you first understand that such a person isn’t right-thinking, you have to decide how much energy you really want to dedicate to that person.

    When I encounter these kind of people now, I just offer them some understanding of their point of view and then wish them exactly what they have believed and professed with their mouth…for themselves. Case in point, the guy above: I would simply have prayed for him to be forever surrounded with enough dolls, so that he never has to deal with anyone’s daughter… and hopefully his joy will be full indeed….let him say Amen, and so shall it be unto him as he has willed it..

    He isn’t even worth the anger, so just pray that from this day forth, he will only know the joys of a sex doll and never a human being called woman. That in every capacity of his life, may the joys and usefulness, of the SHE called WOMAN fade and be replaced with sexdolls. Amen.

  5. jennietobbie

    February 3, 2018 at 11:26 pm

    Not to downplay the importance and richness of this article, but girllllllll ‘the long-eyed snake” lmaoooo. I did a double take when I read it and almost chocked on my food. What a description!!!!!

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