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BN Book Excerpt: What They Don’t Tell You About Being Single by Tumi Olaoshun

BellaNaija.com

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I am on the verge of turning thirty. I can only compare being in your late twenties to being at that party that suddenly just got kind of good and, although you are totally enjoying yourself, you have to keep checking your watch because you know the party ends at 3am and it’s already 2:15am and you haven’t met anyone worth exchanging numbers with. For a while I saw thirty as being the moment when the DJ says, “This is the last song guys!”
I look at myself and remember turning twenty-one, then twentyfive, and now I am here, knocking on thirty’s door and still single. It is not even she’s-single-as-in-unmarried-but-has-a-boyfriend. It is single-and-not-even-talking-to-anyone-at-all. As in, at all. And although we seem to live in a generation where being single at this age is perfectly normal, I come from a culture where most aunties are asking when they will wear their aso-ebi (a Nigerian family celebration attire) to my wedding. And my father keeps requesting grandchildren when I ask him what he wants for Christmas, Father’s Day or his birthday. So from their perspective, nothing about this single situation is normal.

As I reflect on my twenties, I smile, cringe and then sigh.
I ask myself: “Where did the time go? How did I get here?”
And so it is with these reflections I decided to write this book. The last three years have seen the biggest transition in my personal life to date, probably since I graduated from university. I decided I would pen the experiences I have been through as I wait for my Mister Man and share the things they didn’t tell me about being single.

The first time I read those ominous words, “any guy would be lucky to have you”, I smiled. In my head that obviously meant “I am lucky to have you”. No. No, it didn’t. At all. To be fair to myself that was around four years ago and I would like to think I have matured a bit since then. However, when my MB uttered those very words to me after spending a whole day together, I was on cloud nine! Sorry, I lost you at MB – that’s a Mental Boyfriend. You probably know someone who had one or currently has one. Or maybe you have one.

A MB typically has the following characteristics, but terms and conditions apply, and each unique case and experience may be different:
• He is likely to be the first and last person you speak to most days
• He is the first person you think of when you want someone to go to the cinema, dinner or just chill with
• You have private jokes that only you two get (it’s really sweet to see it in action)
• When he is around you he is totally besotted with you
• You guys are actually friends
• He knows your strengths and faults and still accepts you anyway
• Most of your friends know about him and have probably met him
• You’ve heard about most of his friends
• Everyone tells you that you should be together and in fact, most people think something is already going on
• You always deny this, but deep down he makes you super happy – aww!
• Like God said to Abraham, he says you are his friend
• He says things like “any guy would be lucky to have you”
• He could also one day tell you he wants to introduce you to his girlfriend, because, shock horror…you are not his girlfriend!
• You are Mario – you are just a friend!

There could be many more, and maybe like me you have ticked one too many of these boxes. Yes, the horror of the MB is that he occupies the mental and probably emotional space of a boyfriend, but he is very much just a friend. And this makes him well within his rights to be available to another girl he really wants to be with. You know, the girl he feels really lucky to have.

I share this with you because this was literally my reality. I was fully caught up in a MB “situationship”. I really believed with all my being that one day he was going to open his mouth and share with me how much I meant to him and how he wanted to make it official. You know, make official what I really knew, that I was wifey material and he just wanted me to himself.

In fact, I was thinking those very thoughts when I was scrolling through Facebook and saw his notification. My MB was in a relationship with…! I could not believe it. How was he going to get into a fully pledged relationship and let Facebook tell me? How could I possibly be the only one he felt comfortable sharing his secrets with, when he had found the time to meet, talk to and get into a relationship with someone else? And that was when it hit me. When he said to me, “any guy would be lucky to have you”, he wasn’t trying to be humble or be modest. He was letting me know he realised I had some great qualities but he doesn’t want them.

A moment with Christ
Lord, I thank you for all the amazing traits and gifts you have given me. I am grateful for all the positive relationships I have in my life that have moulded me into the person I am today. I thank you for all the trials and tests I have been through, because through them I have uncovered another layer of strength and beauty within me. Lord Jesus Christ, I ask you to mend my broken heart regarding this situation. I ask you Holy Spirit for the wisdom to guard my heart in practical ways so that I don’t spend time sowing seeds on dry ground. I pray, that you will give me grace to put my faith and hope in you, that you will lead me to the right person who truly believes that he is blessed to have me. I ask for discernment to manage the right expectations from all the relationships in my life. I know that concerning the heart and relationship issues, hope is expensive but because of the cross and the awesome sacrifice you paid for me, I can afford to hope in you. In Jesus’ name, I pray.

Scriptures for meditation
Luke 1, Proverbs 4:23 and Psalm 17:6-9.

Reflection
What mistake do you think you made that led to you being hurt?

What practical steps will you take to heal?
**
About the author

Written, while being a full time teacher in North West London, ‘What They Don’t Tell You About Being Single’ is an inspirational dating and relationship book that opens up about vulnerable matter of the heart that single people, especially single women, have to face in 2018, in a truthful, light-hearted and honest manner.

As a 30-year old singleton, Tumi openly shares her experiences, not only of being a single woman, but also of navigating the dating world as a Christian, with the added element of upholding her Christian value, and she has still made the book relevant to everyone, not just Christians, and definitely not just single women.

From sex before marriage to how to suss out if a man is being intentional or not, to whether or not the woman should be making the first move, Tumi wants to spark an open and honest conversation among young single women in a safe space, free from any judgement, starting with her own experiences on What They Don’t Tell You About Being Single’.

You can purchase the book in any of the following places:

Amazon – https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-they-about-being-single-ebook/dp/B07DY23GYL/

Okadabooks – https://okadabooks.com/book/about/what_they_dont_tell_you_about_being_single/19221

On Tumi’s website – http://www.tumininu.com

19 Comments

  1. will

    July 5, 2018 at 4:59 pm

    beautiful piece! totally love it…

    • Star

      July 6, 2018 at 5:26 pm

      Its really a book worth reading but i would use this opportunity to encourage every single woman out there,BEING SINGLE IS NOT A SAD THING i believe its the reason why this book is written. You as asingle woman must rise above theg negative energy people channel towards you, if you are not strong enough to withstand the pressure and the pity party, then you are not strong enough to maintain a MARRIAGE. Dont be d3ceived to think that the pressure reduces when you get married (laugh in spanish) maybe the title of the book shud have beeWHAT MARRIED POEPLE DONT TELL YOU ABOUT BEING SINGLE, because in life as you go higher and older weither married or not the pressure increases. Finaly you are married when the baby doesn’t come its trouble, if your baby doesn’t walk early enough its trouble,your husband cannot afford the kind of life your friends have its trouble, in-laws trouble etc. I bet you as asingle you thinkmarried life its easier and better sorry to burst your bubble, it only gets tougher, it doesn’t matter if you married a nice responsible rich guy the challenges still come so i put it to you, if you can’t find HARDINESS AND FULFILMENT IN YOUR SINGLE PHASE, you are not ready to be married and you cannot maintain one. Marriage is not everyday sex, kisses, partying and relaxing,its sacrifice,hardwork, selflessness,patience, forgiveness and maturity. So my friends SINGLENESS IS A STAGE of preparation and the amountvof preparation depends on the spouse you will marry and the vision GOd has for you, being a GOVERNOR’S wife for example where your husband is barely at home is not moimoi. So relax, dream,breath be confident, its how you view your present situation that determines how you are treated.

    • Tumi

      July 6, 2018 at 5:50 pm

      YES! Sis I agree with all you said! I hope you’re follwowing my page @knowingbetterdoingbetter ! You are speaking the absolute truth!

    • kike

      July 7, 2018 at 3:34 am

      GOD BLESS YOU TUMI FOR THIS BOOK becos most girls in their thirty 30 really need a good talk. My dear sisters,age is just a NUMBER ohh, stop feeling like your time is out it just started, abi you wan marry? You will ehh stop making it a big deal because its only an ICING on the cake its a very myopic mindset to think the odds are against you becos you are thirty 30 and not married or in a serious relationship, LOVE doesn’t happen between a particular age range, it can happen after 30 or after 35 or after 40 you never know, this is the time you can focus and achieve as many goals you have set, when you get married its double double and you barely have time to fufill your dreams, at this time all you do is living for your husband and children and making money. so my love Upgrade,dress clean and chic,develop yourself, commit to God,keep FIT and EXERCISE often, vist friends,,have fun, focus on bringing solutions to people’s lives like TUMI, remove that wrong mindset thst you are not fortunate it makes GUYZ FEEL they are doing you a favour by dating you, you are not different from a girl in her twenties except you let yourself go negatively, STOP WATCHING BOLLYWOOD it makes you more frustrated and sexually activates your body when you know you are not ready for a sexual relationship. THIRTY 30 is what you want it to be, so get a life and be full of positive vibe or you wil chase meaningful poeple from you, its doesn’t matter how you cover up, if deep within you feel sorry for yourself ahhhhh it will show in your attitude and face all the time then you begin to look pitiful and sad, take atime to visit married people with children then you will know marriage is worth waiting for. Abi you want to be married hmm it will happen sooner than you think, just take your mind off it and relax, focus your mind on GOd and building yourself, dat bobo will show and he will know you are a TREASURE even in your thirties.

    • Star

      July 6, 2018 at 5:29 pm

      Errm sorry i meant HAPPINESS its typo.

    • Tumi

      July 6, 2018 at 5:45 pm

      Thank you!

  2. Shy

    July 5, 2018 at 8:39 pm

    This is just an excerpt and I’m in tears already. Maybe because this perfectly sums up my non-existent love life at the moment or the “A moment with Christ” that followed.

    • Tumi

      July 6, 2018 at 5:44 pm

      Be encouraged sis!! I hope this book blesses you and you’re hope is restored !

    • Tumi

      July 6, 2018 at 5:46 pm

      I pray this book encourages you and your hope is restored! God is going to blow your mind!!!

  3. st cathy

    July 5, 2018 at 9:37 pm

    She writes well, I’d like to read this book.

    • Tumi

      July 6, 2018 at 5:43 pm

      Thank you !!!

  4. Ndidi

    July 6, 2018 at 2:11 am

    This was such a blessing to me, thank you…I will be buying this book

    • Tumi

      July 6, 2018 at 5:43 pm

      Amen! Thank you sis !!!

  5. baby

    July 6, 2018 at 6:53 am

    I’ll be reading.. also consider producing an audio version if you can.
    Being single can be sad sometimes.. especially seeing everyone one around you in healthy relationship. my baby sis…besties are newly weds and I’m just here like …. where is my him ?
    I just read my mom’s text message and she has gotten some pastor involved.. she stated I have not introduced her to any man in 4 years … first of all,, wth is she telling some mobile pastor about my love (less) life ?! and why does she see that as a major problem..
    in the mean time..work is crazy and so is grad school.. where are the decent men (28 +) in Toronto ?

    • Tumi

      July 6, 2018 at 5:42 pm

      Hi baby love!!! I completely understand how you feel. I hope this book will bless you and encourage you. God is doing an awesome work in this season. And we have to choose to see the good He is doing! Definitely follow my Instagram @knowingbetterdoingbetter !! Take care !

  6. Tumi

    July 6, 2018 at 5:45 pm

    Thank you!!!

  7. Cocoa

    July 6, 2018 at 7:18 pm

    Im just excited this is not the typical single girl manual. Im excited that you are serving your Creator! Im excited that you are a child of God!!!

    I par that your book will be a blessing to man and give all glory to God . Your testimony is LOADING. God bless you sis!!

  8. Jane

    July 7, 2018 at 3:25 pm

    This will be a great read. I love that you’re open,honest and sincere. Concerning the reflection part,the mistake I made that led to my being hurt in relationships is not listening to the warning signals the Holy Spirit gave me when the men came. I felt God was telling me no so much that I eventually decided to say yes when I knew he was clearly saying no. I just thought,”what’s the worst that could happen?” I regret that decision till today. So always listed to the voice of God

  9. Tumi

    July 8, 2018 at 1:43 pm

    Thank God that Jane is so kind, he will definitely turn it around. Thank God for knowing how to discern his voice.

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