Connect with us


Women Are Not Responsible For the Insecurity Men Feel When they Earn More



It’s a story I heard often while growing up. It’s a story I still hear often enough. The story sounds the same in every case, to tell one is to tell all. Of course, the specifics differ.

Let’s say a man is the breadwinner of his family. He caters to his family, provides shelter, feeding. But things go awry and he’s suddenly doing badly. He’s broke and can’t provide for his family any longer. Luckily, his wife has a job. She’s doing fine, you know, makes enough to pay the kids’ school fees. Enough to feed the family with, keep a roof over their heads.

It’s important that we look at things not only from the angle of how we’d like them to be, but also examine the circumstances that make them what they are today – especially in Nigeria.

It’s normal for the man to feel some dissatisfaction – no one loses their job and doesn’t hate the world and themselves for it. Maybe it’s even normal, too, for the man’s ego to feel a little bruised. After all, we’ve been socialized to demand security and provision from the husband; to see your wife take up that responsibility can make one feel small, irrelevant. It’s almost like the entire reason for your being has been taken away from you. So, yeah, maybe it makes sense for the ego to be bruised.

But when that extends to the point where you begin to detest your wife, where you begin to demand certain actions of self-abnegation of her that you didn’t demand when you were the breadwinner, only to feed your ego, to make you feel like a man again, then it becomes a problem.

So many examples have been given lately on Twitter:

Ours is a society that believes marriage, as an institution, is built around a certain set of rules, and those rules include the income distribution between a couple. A man is the head and the woman has to submit. This somehow has been translated to mean, also, that the man has to make more and the woman, obviously, less. Somehow, it’s been taken to mean a marriage revolves around the happiness of the man.

These tweets show it. “Sustaining a marriage is just all about obeying, and understanding your husband,” the first tweet says. It burdens one person, the woman, with the responsibility of sustaining a relationship between two people. Although they say the man is the head, suddenly it’s the man who’s to sustain it. And how? By obeying and understanding her husband. By keeping him happy, even at the expense of her own happiness.

But, as many replies to these tweets say, is it the responsibility of the woman to make her husband feel like a man?

There were so many other options for the men to explore. The best would have been for them to simply deal with their insecurities, work themselves into getting rid of it. They could also have let all the insecurity push them to working their asses off and earning more. You have an issue with your wife earning more than you do? Well, work harder to earn even more. Rather than use their insecurities to push themselves up, our dear husbands instead brought their wives down.

To an extent, too, the wives are culpable. They decided to quit their jobs to satisfy insecure men. It does question their decision making, but it also questions to what extent they are ready to become breadwinners. It’s very possible that the women simply did not want to be the ones responsible for providing for the family. Everyone’s probably heard it at least once: My money is my money and his money is our money. It’s a lot of responsibility, so it is not out of the question to ask: are women ready to take up that mantle? For my money to become our money.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime


  1. Gbemi

    November 23, 2018 at 7:18 pm

    Bellanaija wetin dey happen: the number of comments on your posts has decreased tremendously. Where is everybody?

    • Bee

      November 23, 2018 at 8:33 pm

      Ppl jump on ppl when they make comments. I guess thats why ppl r refraining from commenting. Lol

  2. James

    November 23, 2018 at 7:54 pm

    The article blames men for feeling insecure when the spouses start making more money than them, when in actuality it is the women that create the sense of insecurity in men by their actions once they find themselves make more than their husbands. They become very disrespectful and hostile to the man with degrading words that make him feel insecure in the relationship.

    The worst thing that can happen to a Nigerian man is to find his wife one day making more money than him.

    • Randommer

      November 24, 2018 at 8:16 am

      The Nigerian man’s version of being talked to anyhow is bonkers. Ask him to pick up the children from daycare because you have an important meeting at work. All of a sudden you are being rude and treating him anyhow. Suggest that you can’t afford to build your parents a house at this point in time, you are disrespectful. Earning power gives women a voice that men don’t like, that’s why women make themselves small to please their men.

  3. CocoWithLove

    November 23, 2018 at 8:34 pm

    Women are not responsible for men period. We are not responsible for how what we wear makes them feel, how our success threatens them, how rejection wounds them, their mental issues, their homicidal tendencies, feeding them, blowing up their egos. Women are crying out under the burden of carer of body, mind and soul that society foisted upon them. It is time men took responsibility for their own feelings and actions as fully functioning human beings with free will.

  4. kosi

    November 23, 2018 at 9:28 pm

    i make more than my hubby and he couldn’t be happier for me. Infact, he prophesied that it’ll happen someday, that’s how much he believes in me. Me resign ke, if anything we’re looking for more money sef. He pays all the bills and i contribute to our savings.

  5. Sandra

    November 23, 2018 at 9:31 pm

    Gbemi it’s too much partiality and comment censoring

  6. Mrs chidukane

    November 23, 2018 at 9:38 pm

    Not always. I experienced this same scenario growing up. My mom had to work extra long hours. Granted, she didn’t have as much time for my dad as she usually did but she had to do what she had to do for bills to be paid. What did my dad do? Get angry and try to frustrate her every step of the way. No support whatsoever. I remember one day I almost died from food poisoning. My dad was home but locked himself up in his room because as far as he was concerned, taking care of the children is a woman’s job. I remember my mom came back at past midnight and had to take me to a clinic near my house to get treatment. I was so weak that I couldn’t walk. She practically carried me there. My dad didn’t care and showed no remorse. He routinely took out his anger on me and my siblings. It was a happy day when they went their separate ways honestly.

    • Tell them

      November 24, 2018 at 3:54 am

      I kneel down to God and pray everyday – rather than let me marry men like the ones above, keep me single! It is people who have not experienced the foolishness of men’s ego that are carrying marriage on top of the head. Never again! Thanks for sharing your story, I grew up in such abusive (that is what I call it) home and SADLY it hasn’t ended in divorce.

    • Cocoa

      November 24, 2018 at 11:24 am

      I advice that (if you haven’t already) you go into the Word and see who a wife is said to be..then become her and see what a husband looks like and weigh every man who pursues against that.

      God won’t keep you single if you don’t want to stay single. He doesn’t force us. Your prayers should be for wisdom to discern and for God to continue to make you who you are in Him.

      You can not lose with Him leading you. Don’t be afraid. There are godly men out there looking for godly women.

    • Africhic

      November 24, 2018 at 11:52 am

      Can you think before some comments you make. So single people didn’t ask God and that’s why they are single?

    • Grace

      November 24, 2018 at 4:47 am

      Wow, don’t take this the wrong way oh but your parents issues affected you. You’re a bit of a man pleaser/ somethings I can’t explain ( and I say this based on your comments on this blog).
      To the topic, it is this desire to be called a good wife that ruins people and marriages. If my husband is feeling some type of way due to my wealth, I’ll just keep being me. I won’t try to prove or disprove that I’m respectful and I’ll keep demanding you play your manly role. I’ll stay happy, laugh with my children, asin give you the treatment we give haters. I.e be joyful and radiant in their presence. I was not born to babysit and adult

    • didi

      November 24, 2018 at 7:16 am

      The problem is that women who make more money do forget that their husbands have needs emotionally, sexually and psychologicaly from them When they get back home they are tired even if they have to do anything its for their children alone abandoning the man because you think he is an adult. How do you expect him to support you when you no,longer put his needs into consideration? Like i know its not easy but as a woman if you choose to step up financially nobody should suffer for it.

    • Blessedheart

      November 24, 2018 at 10:43 pm

      So a man loses his job and the wife has to work harder to support the family. Does the man try to give her emotional and psychological support? No, he still demands that his emotional, sexual and psychological needs be met by her, The woman gets back home from work tired and still has to cook for the man and attend to the kids, the man who has been home all day is well-rested and demanding for sex. She refuses and it becomes a huge problem

  7. Mrs chidukane

    November 24, 2018 at 1:42 pm

    @Grace, I laughed at your comment. How does my dad being a bad husband turn me to a man pleaser? You don’t know me. No one who does would ever refer to me as one because I’m not and have never been one. Or is it because I chose to make my profile name Mrs somebody? I keep my views unbiased. I won’t just side with someone because they’re female.

  8. Baba

    November 24, 2018 at 2:15 pm

    As a married man that lives abroad.I am going through the same thing!!!We have at some point in time earn more than each other !!! I am not lazy or ever been out of job..but here are a few things that happen when she earn more…

    1.You get less sex!! Most Nigerian women hate sharing bills(a common practice abroad).,and once they do,o’boy buy Vaseline.
    2.Become disrespectful. Most Nigerian women would want you to jump career if they see that your chosen career does not make as much money for them not to contribute to household bills!!. A lot of Nigerian are in IT jobs for the money but not enjoying the career. She will talk you down(mostly Yoruba women,I am Yoruba and I know).
    3.All her friends and family would know your financial status(trust me they have a way of doing this).

    Earning more that your husband increases family disposable income but if the extra money is only use for herself and extended family,then the extra hours might not justify the loneliness the nuclear family feels(when you are not always home).

    • James

      December 7, 2018 at 9:46 am

      @Baba, you said she will talk you down, mostly Yoruba women. I don’t think it is only Yoruba women that talk down on their husbands. Honestly, you will not be able to stand the heat from an Igbo woman that makes more than the husband.

      The only way a Nigerian man will be happy with a Nigerian woman is marrying someone you have more than financially, if it means marrying down. The moment a Nigerian woman starts making more than the husband, they grow horns.

  9. Udegbunam Chukwudi

    November 25, 2018 at 10:16 am

    Women stop marrying basic men. Men stop marrying women that don’t have sense and can use their mouth to finish your destiny. The signs are always there but we chose to ignore them because biological clock is ticking away fast and society is not allowing you to breathe fresh breeze.

    Find you a partner who derives happiness from both of you being happy at the same time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Star Features