BN Book Excerpt: Obsessed About Finding the One by Kimi Itsekiri

Get into university, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids, build your home and raise your family. This is how the average Nigerian female’s life goes. But when things don’t happen in this order, it can take a toll on one and make a sister act out of her element. The book “Obsessed About Finding the One” is about my personal struggles in life. It walks you through my self-esteem issues growing up, and focuses on the many times I have considered settling, just so that I can be in a relationship with no purpose. As a child, I often thought I was ugly, and as a result of that no guy would make advances at me, and all my other friends would get all the guys. I went through high school without a single approach from a guy, and that was when my boy struggle began. I had major issues with the way I looked that when I got into university. I knew something had to change about me, and with the help of my roommates, I transformed and started looking for clothing that went with my body shape and size.

In university, I finally had a guy who supposedly liked me, and being a Christian, I told God that I would like to spend the rest of my life with the first guy that I dated. We were friends for over 4 years, but never dated because I was not ready at the time. Things did not work out and we ended things. I traveled out of the country and tried different roller coaster relationships, all in the name of finding the one, considering my background and how they have made marriage a do or die affair. Going through my journey, at a point, I knew that settling was not an option. That meant getting hurt multiple times to gain strength and learn from all my mistakes. Letting go of one of the hurts I went through proved more challenging, and I knew I had to ask God to come into my heart and give me the grace to forgive and forget. But it was so difficult and till date I sometimes still struggle with it.

I know we all struggle with various issues in life, and most often we question why certain things happen to us or why things do not go according to plan. I had a plan for my life that at 25 I would be married with kids. But here we are today, still single and trusting God. Like the Bible says, “His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts”; so learning to surrender all to God is the bedrock of this book. Trust is also a key topic discussed in the book, because it mentions unconditional trust in God and his timing. I also went ahead to tie it into how lack of trust in relationships have damaged them. If you cannot trust your partner, there is absolutely no point being in that relationship. Walking away initially might be difficult, but at the end of the day, a broken relationship or engagement is better than a broken marriage.

This book focuses on being content in your single season and discovering all of you while you are in your waiting period. I used to think that my story was a little odd, but I also had the opportunity to walk in the shoes of others as well, and got to hear and share their stories. We have to keep in mind that whatever we think we are going through in life someone out there is always going through the same, or even worse. I asked how they would know when they find “the one” and the responses were amazing. We must be grateful to God for every season of our lives, and being content while you are single is great gain, instead of going into various dysfunctional relationships just to fill a void. Most people, out of the fear of being single forever, have chosen to tolerate and stay in relationships that cause more harm than good. A section of this book also focuses on abusive relationships.

We all have our insecurities in life. Some of them we might have to live with for the rest of our lives, while others with a little effort we can overcome and become more confident. Empowerment and self-confidence are inside each and every one of us, so it is up to you to make that decision and move past your insecurities, as it can keep weighing you down. My insecurities at the time were a lot, and I felt like I was not good enough. Trust that society would always try and confirm all the doubts you have inside of you. It even gets worse when you have a comparison game going on in your life. Oh, my world, with everyone else’s life just being perfect on social media and having a complex issue does not help one bit. I have also touched on ways in which one can build his/her self-esteem. I knew it was a lie from the pits of hell that I would not meet “the one” and it is a matter of when not if.

True contentment can only be found in Jesus Christ and I came to realize that all the struggles I had to go through were for a reason. Now I realize that all things work together for good to them that love God, and that trust God when it does not make sense and even when your world is falling apart. I came to realize that the fact that you meet that one person in church does not mean that they are right for you. The bible says “by their fruits, you shall know them”; so, we must constantly seek after the fruits of that one person we would like to spend the rest of our lives with. The kind of love that we should all yearn for is the kind of love that was mentioned in 1st Corinthians 13, the Jesus kind of love, and if we wait patiently, we will get it someday.

I believe so much in God that there are lying spirits out there that constantly remind us of the mistakes we have made, or that try and stir us in the wrong direction all in the bid to satisfy the flesh. I know the waiting period is not fun, and trust me sometimes I get frustrated with waiting, asking God that can we move on to the next season of my life where I’m married with kids? But I know that I do not want to skip any season as life is a race and we should learn to stay in our lane. I have come to realize that it was not that serious after all, and that I can be happy and pursue my dreams being single and trying to be the best version of me before the man shows up. I got to this point with a lot of hard work by studying God’s word and reminding myself of His promises for me, watching motivational videos. I know someday I would wake up and write in my diary, I’m a singleton no more.

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Kimi Itsekiri is the founder and CEO of Authentic HR Services, a Toronto based HR consulting firm. A multi skilled professional, Kimi practices as an HR professional, Coach and Life Strategist. She believes her profession provides her the gateway to positively influence young and bright minds in achieving their career goals. Driven with a strong passion to change the lethargy among young individuals, Kimi founded a Ladies Support group in Toronto where individuals connect, network and share their experiences while deriving inspiration and encouragement. An avid seeker of information, Kimi holds a Masters degree in HR from the University of Windsor, Canada and a bachelors from Benson Idahosa University in Nigeria.

You can buy copies of Obsessed About Finding the one at any of these places: Roving Heights – Lagos. Adams Pages – Abuja. Boldoz Bookstore – Uyo. Bookville World – Port Harcourt.