Mrs Kush: Petition to Declare Big Stomachs Sexy
Let me start by saying I have belly fat – a bit more than my fair share, so everything in this petition is biased.
I, however, would like to categorically say that my bias has nothing to do with the fact that I have belly fat. Confused? I’ll explain.
We all have that one friend that has her sh*t together. She has beautiful skin and incredibly long hair. She did the big chop in January and by March, she already has her hair in a beautiful pineapple… and oh! Whenever she gains weight, it goes directly to her butt and thighs! Some of us aren’t that lucky, we only have to sniff a pack of small chops and we look like a pregnant Johhny Bravo ?!
So you see I am not biased because I have belly fat, I am biased because I have no control over the fact that my stomach has decided (without my consent) to be the major shareholder of my fat generating activities.
I vividly remember when I was doing my A-Level, many of the girls in my class were skinny and had flat arses to match. I was also slim in my heydays, but my butt was a bit rounder than I wanted. I remember joining a gym and asking one of the instructors to show me exercises that would help me reduce the size of my arse!
Till this day – even though I didn’t last more than a month in that gym – I blame my inadequate posterior presence on that instructor and the stupid equipment she made me (showed me how to) use?.
So why the petition? Well many moons a few years ago when I was a teenager, many girls like me wanted flat arses (I’m showing my age here). To be fair, I was in a different country and the beauty standards were a little warped. I can, however, tell you on good authority that everyone in the world likes big butts and they cannot lie ?. People that say they don’t are either being economical with the truth, or don’t like the good things of life! Big butts are a big deal even in European countries. You can’t scroll on Instagram without seeing thick this and curvy that.
I’m not jealous o, I just feel that those of us that are thick and curvy in the mid-section should be shown some love too!
Not too long ago, boobs were the rave of the town. Even dimples and gap teeth had their own 15 minutes in the spotlight. You know what naturally occurring body phenomena has been overlooked over the years? Big bellies! If this injustice does not outrage you, are you even woke at all?!
“But Mrs Kush, big bellies are not sexy now”. Says who? Just ask a slay mama rubbing her sugar daddy’s stomach while making financial requests, she’ll beg to differ immediately she receives her credit alert!
After 2 kids and a few decades on earth, I’m no longer a spring chicken but I have managed to maintain a decent weight (for the most part). What I have never been able to rid myself of is a big stomach. I see women that wear size 12, 14 or even larger with significantly smaller stomachs than me and I just sigh because it feels so unfair. So today, after doing ab crunches and some core exercises I don’t know the name of at the gym, I just got tired!
After contemplating the human condition and the vanity of life, I have decided to adopt another strategy based on the saying that goes “if you cannot beat them, join them”. I am, therefore, writing this petition on behalf of all women and broke men with belly fat (rich men with pot bellies don’t have the same issues) to please ask the powers that be to declare big bellies sexy in popular culture. Even if it’s just for the December party period, we will take it.
Trust me, if I could, I would move my excess fat to more acceptable body regions. In the meantime, while we are waiting for the Fat Redirecting App to drop on the Play Store, please give us a chance to wear our crop tops with pride.
I know someone will still come and say “Go to the gym and do more sit-ups.” To this I say, “Have you ever felt the power of death pulling your spirit man during a workout???” Well, I have and I have decided not to gamble with my life again. Plus, you know I’m a food expert, therefore, it would be criminal for me to eat healthy just because I want a flat stomach ?.
After all is said and done, if this doesn’t work, I’ll try my best to make heaven. If the streets there are paved with gold, little six-pack ab is not too hard for my Lord to do.