Mfonbong Inyang: All Things 2022 and Other Little Stories

God is great I can’t lie. It’s not being mid when I say that being alive is still the biggest flex. We lost a lot of folks just when their careers were about to take off. I had a radically different idea of how adulting would be but what my eyes have seen eh, I prefer not to speak. We go again in 2023 because miracles no dey tire Jesus.

The Yassification Of Sapa

It’s wild how the economy has made being broke a normal thing. We outchea making skits from it, singing about wearing fugazy kicks and literally building a culture around it. Even the thing wey belong to Caesar no sure for am again, and the patient dog never see bone chop. Ceteris no dey ever paribus because everywhere don red. Fake life is now on brand because so many people are living in Silicon Valley. We are literally seeing the sachetisation of the Nigerian economy because stagflation has effectively decimated our purchasing power. It’s diabolical to imagine how much the money in your pocket has lost value. The uptick in japa is a direct response to a shrinking ecosystem for the middle class. I want to be a baller, not a mechanic but my bank balance sings God abeg half the time.

I understand that humour is one of our coping mechanisms as a people but we have to draw the line at some point because this change is not changing at all. How do you explain the chasm of being the biggest economy in Africa yet the poverty capital of the world at the same time? It’s what happens when there is wealth without enterprise, rudderless leadership and abominable governance. In developed countries, economics greatly determines politics. That’s why leaders resign honourably when the economy tanks. In underdeveloped countries, politics greatly determine economics. One thoughtless policy and everything goes south. So if you continue voting for those who kill your livelihood, steal your commonwealth and destroy key institutions, your blood pressure will only get wesser. We can either keep contorting or we can stop this carnage next year.

We Rise By Lifting Others

Two years ago, I wrote about the food crisis. Similar to last year’s but I assure you that this year’s food crisis is unprecedented – it’s a silent night for many families this yelutide. The price for a bag of rice is crazy and the staples we used to take for granted are now dear. If I tell you say e easy, na zobo. A cocktail of disasters like voodoo economics, border closure, flooding, record inflation, unemployment, insecurity, terrible roads et al has conspired to literally make people starve. It’s unforgivable at this time to waste food because some people are legit going to bed with empty stomachs. This is what happens in a country where there is little or no social safety net, the supposed social contract is in the poteaux poteaux. We can individually or collectively create a fund or food bank to really help less privileged and underserved communities have a similitude of Christmas. A better time is coming but for now, we have to stand strong.

DJ Gbemi Trabaye

My holiday playlist is curated from and inspired by the second instalment of Marvel Studios’ Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. I think the entire project is just as culturally powerful as it has cinematic panache. I loved seeing my favs reprise their respective roles on the big screen while honouring Chadwick Boseman’s legacy. I was also excited to see our very own music stars shine on the movie’s official album. Shout out to Tems and P. Prime on their writing and production credits respectively. Sounds are so soulful, don’t you agree? My playlist consists of Lift Me Up by Rihanna, Alone by Burna Boy, No Woman No Cry by Tems, Interlude by Stormzy, Coming Back For You by Fireboy DML, They Want It, But No by Tobe Nwigwe and Fat Nwigwe, Anya Mmiri by CKay ft Pink Pantheress, Wake Up by Bloody Civilian ft Rema, Pantera by Alemán ft Rema, A Body, A Coffin by Amaarae, Alright by Kendrick Lamar and Limoncello by OG DAYV ft Future.

Street OT

Abeg, any IJGB wey dey town, holla at your boy. This tie and dye naira is not giving what it’s supposed to give, I need some dollars & pound sterling to take hold body. Even those that are waiting to return next year for elections, still send funds make we help una enjoy the holiday in absentia. This Detty December, I am moving on these streets like a free agent. I don hear plenty gist about Precious; loving her is a losing game. On a more serious note, the streets are hot and I am not talking about the weather. So sad for those who can’t visit their loved ones in the villages owing to the state of insecurity; the more reason you have to vote wisely next year or else this will be your reality going forward. You have to be moving correct especially if you’re an HNI or a corporate organisation. Get an intelligence operative or firm to develop a custom security playbook for you. Pray to God, move incognito on a need-to-know basis and always watch your six.

Agba Chef: Cook Dat Ting

Leadership is not about selling fairy tales, it’s about confronting difficult challenges. Don’t make another mistake in trying to correct a previous mistake, you will complicate your lives. We cannot call out people for selling Ponzi schemes but unlook the promotion of Ponzi politicians. We have to maintain the same energy across board. The establishment consistently throws up candidates who it thinks can best win elections and not necessarily those who will deliver good governance – that’s why our expectations have been perennially disappointed because what we want is diametrically opposed to what they are offering. Our lives cannot continue being collateral damage for these failed political experiments. We just can’t continue like this.

You must reject those who want to buy your votes. An election is a leadership recruitment exercise. Which serious job do people pay to be employed? The first lesson I learned in economics is that there is no free lunch anywhere. Anybody that gives you meagre money will take it back from you in terms of good roads, healthcare, education, security, etc. There is nothing free even in Freetown; you will pay for it pressed down, shaking together and running over. Dem say we be leaders of tomorrow but dem no gree tell us the date of that tomorrow. “Youths are the future” – says politicians who are still dragging chair with us. Those who want our votes need to be interrogated – you need to extract information that will inform your electoral choices. We need to know what kind of characters they are, so they need to answer some questions too.

Who dey zuzu? We don wake! This one time we should really cook especially as young people because there is something bigger at stake than our egos. We have to tap into our better angels and realise that we’re up against a well-organised system that happens to have different nomenclatures and political franchises. So we have to become equally organised and work towards a socio-economic rebirth. One thing about effective community organising is that you must necessarily democratise leadership because the game is the game; there’s a Judas in every twelve disciples. The ground rule is sacrosanct: everybody is important but nobody is irreplaceable. Get your PVCs and mobilise as many people as you can to do same. Even if na to beg Kelly to do Tik Tok video so that some guys go vote, I no mind. If we all show up and show out at our respective polling units, bad governance go collect woto woto. My people say, “If a man cooks for the village, we will finish the food but if we, the villagers cook for him, he can never finish the food.”

Playing By The Books

Next year’s elections are the elections of our lives. If we fumble it, just forget abourrit. Anything wey our eyes see, make we take am like that. So please don’t let this flop. Anyways, the following books come highly recommended, don’t say I didn’t do anything for y’all:

• What Will Happen If We Vote Ethnicity & Religion Over Competence by Unago C. Shege (PhD)
• As E Dey Pain Dem, E Go Dey Sweet Us by Band Wicks
• Gone Without Traces: The Chronicles of Japa by Sope O.T. Law (LLB)
• The Subtle Art Of Not Voting During Elections by E.B. Things
• Asking Me To Sell My Vote: Shey You Dey Whine Me Ni? by Dr Otu T. Zeh
• All Power Belongs To Your PVC by Prof. Vick Tony
• Vote Wisely: A New Nigeria Is Possible by Watim A. Gbo

Special shout out to those who made my 2022 amazing. Wishing everyone a happy holiday.

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Featured image: Dreamstime