Osasogie Omoigui: On Keeping Your Relationship Healthy

Relationships are not always as easy as it seems. Be it platonic or romantic, both parties need to put in the work to ensure it thrives and blossoms. 

When I first started dating, I used to think a relationship was like a walk in the park – you know, being together, holding hands on the walkways, smiling at each other and being happy always. So when it didn’t seem like those, I asked myself what could possibly go wrong. But I have come to realise that no matter how long you’ve been dating, it’s possible to drift apart if both parties do not make a continuous effort to be together. 

It is so important to pay attention in your relationship even if everything seems to be going smoothly. Have you ever heard someone say, he/she is not putting in enough effort like before? That is because one party has become too comfortable. Additional effort and better understanding are required to strengthen the bond of your relationship.

I’ve learned a few things. Let me share them with you.

Love and accept yourself

Loving and accepting yourself – your flaws and imperfections inclusive – is paramount. It is also the best way to prepare yourself to love and accept another person who will come with their own flaws and imperfections.

While at it, we must understand that we are a work in progress and there is always room for growth, and it is admirable to strive to improve yourself, but you are a work in progress. Even with your imperfection, you can still choose to love yourself and be your own best friend by recognising and appreciating the goodness that you embody so that you could do that to someone else.

Learn from previous relationships

Previous relationships are some of your best teachers. They help you clarify what you do and don’t want in a long-term partner. They also give you practice relating to another human being. And it is often within the context of your relationships that you develop important aspects of your own character and grow as a person. See your past relationships as part of your journey toward finding a fulfilling one.

Take responsibility for your own happiness

Realise that only you are responsible for your own happiness. Do the things you love and find meaningful, partner or not. Being in a wonderful relationship can be one of life’s greatest joys and blessings. But no one else is capable of, or is responsible for making you happy. It is your job.

Mutual respect is essential

You must not only harbour deep respect and admiration for the other, but you must demonstrate this consistently through your actions. It is also important to communicate to your partner when ever you feel disrespected. Putting the other person down, especially in front of others, is also a serious violation; don’t do this.  

You want to nip potential resentment in the bud

Don’t assume the other person is aware of how you feel. It is important to be able to voice your feelings and ask for what you want or need. Own your feelings and express them without attacking the other person.

Learn how to communicate effectively

Communication is such an important thing in any relationship. I had a relationship of over three years that failed because I couldn’t communicate properly. As trivial as it seems, lack of communication is one of the major obstacles couples face. It’s not just about talking, it is saying the things that matter, and need to be said. Communicating means you understand and are able to express your needs in a way that can be understood by your partner, and you try your hardest to understand them and their needs.

When your partner talks, try to listen – not to contradict them, but to actually understand where they are coming from. When people feel heard, they will be more open to listening to what you also have to say.

Do you and your partner talk back at each other? Do you always feel the need to be right and win an argument? Even if you win the argument, you could lose something much more valuable.

Learn their love language

If you and your partner speak different love languages, there is bound to be dissatisfaction in your relationship. You might be lucky enough to meet someone that has the same love language as you, but if you do not, then you have to learn their languages and speak it.

Choose to forgive always

I know you must have heard countless times that it is important to forgive your partner. I’m just here to remind you that forgiveness is a continuous thing. It is also repetitive. You have to choose to forgive once, twice, thrice, daily, every second, every minute and every time. Forgiveness doesn’t cure hurt. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. It however shows how compassionate you are. Remember, this is no a call for you to accept abuse. 

You are the co-creator of your relationship 

Relationships don’t just happen to you randomly, you co-create them. You are always going to be in a relationship, even if it’s the one you have with yourself, and the one you have with yourself sets the tone for all other types. The only difference is that you are in charge of yourself. You have the power and you get to choose how you treat yourself. Will you continue to deprive, neglect, or abuse yourself? Or are you willing to truly change your life by changing how you relate to yourself? The choice is yours and yours alone.

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