Stephanie Inakoju: How Children Become Afraid to Speak Up

Many of us, in our different families, strive to make our parents proud and demonstrate that we are doing our best. However, sometimes things go wrong, and it’s not entirely our fault. We work hard to gain our parents’ approval, yet they may not recognise our efforts.

Some parents focus all their attention on one child while completely overlooking the hard work of another. Even though they know deep down that no child should be favoured over another, they often forget how damaging this favouritism can be. They convince themselves that they are being fair to all their kids, but in reality, they are neglecting one of them. I have witnessed this happen several times, including with someone very close to me. Her parents consistently ignore her efforts most days, only paying attention when she is struggling or making mistakes. These actions can deeply wound children, causing them to lose the ability to stand up for themselves or express their feelings because of their experiences at home.

Believe it or not, family is the first environment a child experiences. It is where they practice communicating their needs to parents and siblings and where they learn to build confidence. A family can either nurture a child or harm them, and in some cases, it may cause significant harm. How can a parent feel more disappointment than pride in their child? When a child comes to share their accomplishments, should the response be to point out faults and blame them for not doing better or being better?

Children like this grow up unable to advocate for themselves. They become timid and afraid to confront anyone. They often feel less than others and struggle with feelings of inadequacy. They don’t see themselves as valuable or worth striving for. As a result, people find it easy to belittle them and treat them poorly. These individuals often end up with few or no friends, and in some cases, they find themselves in groups where they are treated as if they have no worth.

It irks me when I see people treat others badly just because they can’t stand up for themselves, not knowing it’s not their fault they are weak. The weak need to find the strength to stand up and be better. And those of you stepping on these weak people, using them for your own pleasure, need to be better. It doesn’t serve anyone to be proud, a bully, or cruel.

I’ve been a victim of bullying more times than I can count. Never being bold enough to speak up for myself, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. Growing up, I struggled to make real friends. The ones I thought cared about me ended up treating me poorly simply because I was an easy target. This pattern followed me all the way to university, where it became even harder to break free from this version of myself. Eventually, though, I found the strength to change. I tried desperately to prove to people, especially my hostel mates, that I was worth knowing—that I could be a loyal friend. But instead of acceptance, I got humiliation and lies spread about me, and this was mostly because they envied me and thought I didn’t have challenges of my own. Time after time, I was let down by people I hoped to connect with or trust.

I might not be fully over that difficult phase of my life, but I feel I’ve been able to get a hold of myself. I am better. I am trying to be. I put in the hard work.

To those weaker ones out there—ones who have few or no friends because of their weakness, ones who get pushed around and find themselves being the odd one out, not belonging anywhere—I just want you to know you’re not alone. I was there once, and I know we might not want to fool ourselves with the statement most people make: that being the odd one out means you’re better. Yes, we are better. Yes, you are better. But it still doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work on yourself.

Work on yourself. Work toward getting that weakness out of you. Be strong, be courageous, be bold. Let people see you and want to be like you or even be close to you. Let it reach the point where you can look at yourself and be proud of who you are.

Parents, please take the time to listen to all of your children. Teach and discipline them with love, and don’t neglect their needs. Celebrate their small victories; make sure they know that those achievements are meaningful. Your role in making them happy doesn’t end when they grow up and start their own jobs. As long as you are their parent, continue to contribute to their happiness, and they will cherish and appreciate your efforts in return. This approach will help your children grow into happy, well-rounded individuals—citizens who are confident and capable of standing up for themselves, ensuring they are never treated as if they are worthless or incapable of achieving their goals.

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