Toolz’ Thoughts: White, Black or Grey! How Many Shades of Truth?

Posted on Monday, March 4th, 2013 at 9:00 AM

By Toolz

When it comes to relationships, one topic that seems to constantly be debated is how much you should tell your partner. With regards to your past –  is it best to tell your partner the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Is it necessary for him/her to know the worst things you have done, every mistake, regret etc? Or is it better to keep certain things from your partner, especially if that was part of a chapter in your life that is now dead and gone?

Granted, honesty is a necessary factor needed to build successful and long-lasting relationships, but how honest should you actually be?

The younger me- when I believed in the Disney kind of love would say the whole truth and nothing but the truth! After all, one of the main requirements of truly loving someone is to accept them for who they are 100% – warts and all. However, the older I get the more I realize that the notion of the truth setting you free isn’t so simple.

I asked some friends and family members for their thoughts on this, and I got a varied mix of answers, like:

“Be honest to a certain extent, not everyone can handle the truth.”
“Tell the truth, but don’t offer information if you don’t have to.”
“I’d prefer my partner to tell me everything that could possibly come out as some point.”
“I don’t like surprises, so it’s better I hear about my partner’s skeletons from them rather than someone else.”

One of my favourite and most politically correct answers came from my mother who said rather cryptically “Tell your partner everything, but with caution’. ” (Erm what exactly does that mean mum??)

There are certain things that you should obviously tell your partner without them asking – important things like if you’ve been married before, gone to jail, have children with someone else etc. Basically anything that is necessary for them to know now or anything that is very likely to come out. Most of the people I asked did say that it’s an easier pill to swallow if their partner tells them the not so good news about their past as opposed to hearing it from someone else. There’s no definite answer, but each answer is clearly down to what you and your partner consider important or ‘need to know’ information.

For example, ladies imagine this scenario, you’ve been dating a guy for about a year – everything is going well, and your future together looks very promising. Then randomly you find out through a friend of a friend that he was violent towards an ex-girlfriend. You’ll probably be in shock, because this is the first time you’ve heard something like this about him. You eventually decide to confront him about it, and he admits that it’s true. He explains that it happened many years ago – just once and it’s something that he deeply regretted. He did his best to make amends and has never lost control or been in a similar situation since then.

If this was you, would you be able to accept that this is something that happened in his past and that he is no longer that person? And more importantly, is this incident something that he should have told you about? If I was in that situation, I would want to know from him first rather than hear it from someone else.

According to some of the people I spoke to about this, sometimes it’s best to keep certain things from your partner. A friend of mine had been dating someone for about 6 months and got to a point where she thought it best to confess ALL about her sexual past. A few busy bodies had told him about one or two people that she had dated casually, and he asked her about it. She had fallen heavily for this guy, and had hoped that he would be able to trust her completely if she told him about her past without holding back. So she told him EVERYTHING, as in she gave names and situations (if they just hooked up once or whatever). Although her past wasn’t that scandalous, the ‘total-confession moment’ was the beginning of the end for them. He couldn’t let it go, and he would bring up her past and throw it in her face during every argument. She had to cut all ties with the people she had mentioned during her ‘confession’ and anytime he heard any of their names from her or anyone, it was a brand new argument. They eventually split up, and she later told me that in retrospect she would have kept some things to herself.

As much as you would want to have a solid trusting relationship with your partner, you must ask yourself if they can handle knowing EVERYTHING about you, and in turn can you? Some things will definitely come out at some point, and dealing with that situation could strengthen or irrevocably damage your relationship. So do you give your partner information about your past on a strictly need to know basis or do you come clean and tell them the TRUTH and NOTHING BUT THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH about your past to possibly avoid any surprises and hope they completely accept you for who you are now?

What do you think?

___________________________________________________________________________________________________
ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM and the Juice for NdaniTV. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net

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  • 118 Comments on “Toolz’ Thoughts: White, Black or Grey! How Many Shades of Truth?”

    Comments
    • Boundllad March 4, 2013 at 9:15 AM

      Interesting

    • x factor March 4, 2013 at 9:30 AM

      hmmmm…okaaay let the conversation begin…

    • temitope March 4, 2013 at 9:30 AM

      well, i think situations of the past like having a kid with someone before, goin to jail, being married before, having had an abortion before and so on should be made known to your current partner…..other than that, i dont think my partner has to know details about my previous rships ( it didnt work out and i moved on)….obviously he wouldnt expect me not to have dated or fallen in love before.thats normal….but if there’s something extraordinary about your past life or rships like the ones i mentioned earlier, then u should tell your partner.

    • Sonia March 4, 2013 at 9:31 AM

      Anyone who cannot handle your past can certainly not handle your future. Wonder why ur friend said she wished she kept some things to herself. What’s the guarantee that those things would not come out and she might have gone as far as marrying the guy. She should count herself lucky! It’s HIS problem, not hers, if he cannot handle the truth. How dare he use it against her? Idiot.

      Secondly, I think everything should be revealed as time goes on. There is no ONE moment where everything comes out. That’s usually too much to swallow if u have a heavy past. Just take things easy while revealing and ask God to help you break things down d right manner. The right man WILL NEVER run away or judge you!

      As u mentioned, some things need to be said almost immediately if you’re in a serious/potentially serious relationship: HIV status, communicable diseases, present child(ren), etc. You catch my drift….

      • Teris March 4, 2013 at 10:18 AM

        i don’t kno… always felt its better to paint a more …dire… pic than is the reality. at least u kno what u’re getting into.
        however, there is such a thing as “too much information!”
        i mean really “…So she told him EVERYTHING, as in she gave names and situations (if they just hooked up once or whatever)…” reminisce much? wt*. smh.

      • Purpleicious Babe March 4, 2013 at 10:26 PM

        I do agree about revealing things as you go along, in little doses.

        Heck, some people will judge you and even throw it in your face but such is LIFE… I don’t see the reason why that should stop people from withholding the truth from a potential future long term partner. Humans are dynamic we have our good, our bad and our ugly, that what makes us unique and imperfect. Telling the truth when asked or not is essential, trust is a strong foundation for any couple willing to stick through the “WHALAS of this world” which varies in all areas.

        Obviously, for some they believe its should kept in the past but this life has a way of nothing can be hiding.. NOTHING. Everything that goes around also comes around, you just never know when time will catch up with you. I do think people withhold truth to protect the innocents. Only God knows the intentions of men, but being a strong believer I will pray for the Holy Spirit intervention.

        I for one advocate honesty, transparency, genuineness, trustfulness, decency, openness and WISDOM. I guess it also depends on the future you want/wish to have with the person. If we are talking real feelings with potential marriage then I dont intend to hold back on things just like wise him. I cant operate under dishonesty, illusions, white, blue or yellow lies, the watevers. Tell me all if you know am the ONE, let me make that decision to STAND Or NOT STAND. Abeg, i HATE DRAMAS. In fact, I have less in my life cos I avoid it at all costs.

        lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • Amazeballs!!! March 4, 2013 at 9:37 AM

      Abegi, there’s nothing like full disclosure in relationships! the people who constantly kid themselves, talking about how they want to or can tell their partners everything are simply just doing that, kidding themselves.

      We do not have that emotional capacity to forget wholeheartedly even if we forgive. More often than not what happened to the friend (her boyfriend bringing the past up every time and throwing it in her face) is what will happen. I agree that probable deal breakers should be shared I.e. kids, jail etc. but you can’t and shouldn’t share everything. You will just spoil a good thing you had going.

      • Bleed blue March 4, 2013 at 11:55 AM

        “We do not have that emotional capacity to forget wholeheartedly even if we forgive.”

        Truer words have never been said!

      • Ginger March 5, 2013 at 4:56 AM

        Thnk you..finally the truth has been undiluted. I personally will not tell a man anything he can use against me when trouble comes and believe it , trouble will come so y’all women need a cushion

    • Amebo March 4, 2013 at 10:13 AM

      Tell yuh partner u once Did an abortion**im nt in support of dt @ all**he wld use it against u ooo..Babes shld wisen up

      • Mz Socially Awkward.... March 4, 2013 at 4:14 PM

        True talk. I know a gal pal that once had an abortion for a previous lover. They broke up, she met the man who became her husband, they fell in love and she didn’t share that detail of her past with him.

        Today, they’ve been married for many good years, have a family of gorgeous children and I honestly don’t think her man will ever know. Does she also know of every single skeleton which existed in his cupboard before she met him? I don’t know but what I do know is that she made bad decisions at a young age and she turned earnestly to God for forgiveness. It was between herself and her God and she left it at the Altar.

        So to answer the dilemma your friend faced, Toolz and generally to all ladies, for certain mistakes in your past, if you’ve truly asked the forgiveness of The Only One who matters, I don’t see any need to dredge up the same wrongdoing everytime a new man comes your way. Leave that baggage alone and walk in freedom.

        • Emmz March 4, 2013 at 5:00 PM

          GOD BLESS U!

        • Lolade March 5, 2013 at 7:18 AM

          She left it with God at the altar. Ok, that is all well and good but if her husband asks her she shouldnt lie…….

        • marie marie March 19, 2013 at 8:28 PM

          Gbam!!!!

      • Lolade March 5, 2013 at 7:12 AM

        Isnt it better to start telling him about abortions yourself than for him to now find out on one of these blogs via anonymous comments????

        • Mz Socially Awkward... March 5, 2013 at 12:37 PM

          Habba, how e wan take know from “these blogs via anonymous comments”? E be winch??

    • D Pretty March 4, 2013 at 10:14 AM

      Currently in such situation. Boo never told me he nver had a university degree n here am doing my masters. Just found out n I really dnt know how to handle things. Besides. I have a secret of my own n am really scared to tell the truth

    • otapiapia March 4, 2013 at 10:33 AM

      how about telling my boo that i’ve dated 73 guys before him? i beg wisdom is profitable jorr!

      • Oyinmomo March 4, 2013 at 5:45 PM

        Ok you are kidding about you dating 73 guys, right? *raised eyebrow*

    • B March 4, 2013 at 10:34 AM

      The truth and nothing but the truth.wow this is huge especially for those with serious past events (not me dough..lol). I think “Tell your partner everything, but with caution’’ works for me better, having him understand also that what is past is past (obviously he should know that).
      Also i believe if your man really and truly loves you your past dos and d’not should not matter or sum up his overall judgment of you or make him to throw “shit” at you with whatever happened back them maybe when there is an argument or a quarrel.
      Sometimes information about your past on a strictly need to know basis might be best judging from your views on your partner’s ability (Temperament) to handle knowing EVERYTHING about you.

    • temitope March 4, 2013 at 10:47 AM

      @amebo : yea, i think you should tell ur hubby or fiancee if u ve had an abortion before….what if u guys get married and start having fertility problems? would you prefer him to know from the doctor?
      i think things like that should be known to your partner……….otherwise, if its just about you being in a number of rships before getting married , thats absolutely normal…except if you were a run girl ooo cos thats not the same as having normal relationships and then breaking up when it didnt work out.
      just tell him or her the truth, if the love is for real, he/she will accept you for who you are…………and besides , that was your past and you probably didnt even know that your current partner existed then ………….we all make mistakes…….but honestly speaking, the only thing i wont be able to bear from a guy’s past is if he was a killer, a robber, a woman beater or similar stuffs i cant remember right now but other than that…….i would go ahead and be with him if he has the qualities i want in a man.

    • Omototun March 4, 2013 at 10:57 AM

      Okay….so I feel kinda guilty cos I once judged an Ex by some of the info he gave me….sometimes it makes me feel fickle, but people need to sensor info mehn!! I had boyfriends tell me some of their past sexual exploits and it never bothered me, but when Homeboy told me he shared his past girlfriends with his best friend…as in, at the same time!!(threesome) In my mind I was like mogbe!! After all the blood, sweat and tears that has gone into saving myself for marriage and though he was supposedly ready to wait, I just didn’t think our pasts matched up. And say after we get married and all ,he will now use me to do alejo (entertainment) for his friends?? He explained it was in the past and I thought was cool with it, but after a while, his promiscuous and wild(drugs) past got to me. In my defense, it wasn’t like he had become stronger in faith….he only claimed to have outgrown his past habits. Now combine his history with the fact that I had to move to a different city… I had to chuck the deuce mehn!

      • Bliss March 4, 2013 at 8:01 PM

        AH preach it sister Omototun. This right there is the story of my life. Blood sweat and tears oh. Abeg God pass them, there’s good guys out there waiting oh. Abeg abeg which kin threesome. I no do.. SOme guys these days sef. They 2 dey do. You’ll be talking to one guy unknown 2 u he is toasting ur best friend too and 16 others and see you thinking he is Mr family man bcos of how “sweet” he is. Na wah oh

    • Do you think you are ready for the truth? March 4, 2013 at 10:58 AM

      Tell when you are planning the wedding. Sorry if that makes me harsh, but if have a secret of my own which doesn’t define me (like HIV, Jail, Bankrupt, Violence against a former boyfriend) he doesn’t need to yet until he’s absolutely sure I am THE ONE, and he is ready to spend the rest of his life with me. At that point he loves me die, there’s no going back, and he’ll look really shallow if he suddenly throws in the towel because of that. But to tell ordinary boyfriend, mba mba, mba. How many boyfriends are you going to tell al your secrets to. In this world where everyone knows everyone. Who else do you know that he will tell after you guys breakup. But a fiance, wedding plans already made, omo he is in it for the long haul, he aint going nowhere, then we’ll sit down and discuss it. He is likely also going to take that secret to the grave. If he truly loves me like he said then now is his chance to prove it. You may ask me though, if the rules were reversed, will I want him telling me during wedding plans. Yup, yup yup. I’m invested already. Our past doesn’t define us. Full disclosure never really helps. My cousin has this saying, “If you cheat on me, and the secret is killing you, you better let it continue killing you, because you deserve to be in your own self hell for cheating on me. That’s your punishment. So, don’t try that I just had to tell you, please forgive me, its been killing me lying to you, because it only resolves on thing, you feel better, by confessing, and I get devastated. So let it kill you o, let it kill you. Lol

      • Tiki March 4, 2013 at 1:52 PM

        loool @ let it kill you…your cousin is right!

      • jcsgrl March 4, 2013 at 2:43 PM

        ROFLMAO….this comment damn near killed me. I hear your cuz shaa!!!

      • Yvonne March 4, 2013 at 5:24 PM

        LMAO @ let it kill you ooo, LOL, that’s hilariously true jare. I agree!

      • YS March 6, 2013 at 2:51 PM

        Laff Haff Keel Me @ LetItKillYou :-D Interesting argument lol

    • tee March 4, 2013 at 11:07 AM

      im not an advocate of tell it all to the guy. some things are better left in the past. guys this days are so immature that they will use every datails of your past against you. The less the guy knows the better especially if it involves abortion

    • pynk March 4, 2013 at 11:07 AM

      There’s no need to tell all abeg.

    • Shawwy March 4, 2013 at 11:09 AM

      Simple answers: To start with…If I cannot tell my mother that is the person that has loved me the longest and vice versa, then I aint telling you fohsure!!
      2. While I have no political ambition whatsoever I kinda use this one as some sort of scale “If it can’t be used against me if I were running for public office then it aint that important”….shikena!
      A couple of in-betweens that can help your partner support you can be shared but people can fit to just run their mouths for no reason jare….however, to each his own…

    • JADE March 4, 2013 at 11:09 AM

      @Amebo, it is better to tell such truths like abortion if u notice the relationship is getting serious and not just casual dating, i told my bf about mine after two years of being together, i had an abortion once as an undergrad, and he told me his sins too we moved on, here we are celebrating four years of being together (i met him when i was a student). Fast forward last year september, it turns out the guy who got me pregnant is the friend of my bf’s cousin and he didnt hesitate to spill the beans and label me a bad girl and a tramp, but u see becos bf already knew he wasnt shocked and there were no accussations. I wouldnt give a guy a detailed description of my past tho, as in who i slept with and so. We just talk abt our exes and tease each other with them. @ D Pretty, i think you should come clean tho, there’s nothng ure gonna say that has never been heard before, like the igbos say” there is nothng the eyes will see and shed blood”

      • PH Boy March 4, 2013 at 3:37 PM

        Gbam! tell them. We know that a lot of Nigerian folks lack the emotional maturity to sustain relationships but I’d rather bear it all from get go than deal with the repercussion later. If you cant handle it, start stepping. If you hold back grievous stuff like abortions, HIV, 4 a-side e.t.c and except love to save you down the line; then you have another think coming.

    • Heartbroken March 4, 2013 at 11:16 AM

      Omo i reduced the size of ex’s i slept with and wen i lost my v. He dont need to know that. Besides he lied to me about his age to get with me n i forgave him n we still together. I am not disclosing about abortions are u mad il tell him in 20 years time & after 4kids.

      If any ex’s try to yarn story my boo would believe me over them any day&night. So is all good. We have a open honest relationship from the get go except for his age lie and i aint revealing the truth or too much cuz men are straight crazy they will use it against you for life. I need my peace for life abeg.

    • Tope March 4, 2013 at 11:20 AM

      it all depends on maturity. more reasons I go for older single guys. they understand more.

      • Exquisite March 5, 2013 at 8:38 AM

        age is just a number oo i guess, character, upbringing, exposure etc all amounts to the way individuals tend to handle issues. Though a “matured” guy makes alot of sense.
        The most important is a guy that truly loves you that sums it all, cuz when a dude likes a girl most things dont matter and the relationship will work perfectly.

    • cutephunkie March 4, 2013 at 11:43 AM

      Don’t abeg becos he will surely use it against u.
      My friend’s bf tld her he wont propose until she’s preggy, becos she tld him she had an abortion 2ce

    • Mrs Rotimi Alakija March 4, 2013 at 11:49 AM

      JADE N SONIA, God Bless u. u guys r on point. everyone please read their comments.

    • Monica March 4, 2013 at 12:01 PM

      This just sums up Nigerian relationships – Fake Life and dishonesty.

      No one ever wants to tell the truth and no one(especially us women) never want to be honest about our pasts so that we can front.

      its really sad because it makes men distrust us greatly and girls like me suffer as a result.

      let me tell you my story – i met my fiance when I was 23. I had never had sex before him and I told him I was a virgin (that was my understanding of a virgin, anyway). When we now finally had sex when I was 25, I did not bleed as expected (sorry to be graphic) so he now started doubting me. I explained to him that I have used tampons growing up and I used to go gymnastics etc so the hymen itself could have been broken then. he still doubted me o. He said that naija babes never tell the truth and that they have hardened his heart leaving him unable to trust ‘my story’…..I didnt even know what to say…..I was hearbroken….I know in my heart that i have never had any relations before but because of this hymen business, I couldnt ‘prove’ it to him…….all because naija babes are known for being economic with the truth…….

      anyway sha, we have gotten over it now – we are gettng married end of the year….he know’s I’m a good girl but I still feel that deep down he never quite believed me……

      • Bleed blue March 4, 2013 at 1:34 PM

        Sweetie, he’s got the issue, not you and not Nigerian girls. Lying in relationships isn’t gender specific, or even country specific. Everybody has a story to tell and I’m happy yours seems to be ending happily, however please don’t for a moment blame your man’s distrust of you on the Nigerian female populace.
        #DasAll

      • Nana March 4, 2013 at 4:30 PM

        Lol now that is crazyyy. I didn’t bleed when I got disvirgined probably because I started using tampons early… Naija guys sha. Congrats anyways

      • Purpleicious Babe March 4, 2013 at 10:37 PM

        He needs to renew his mind, its not every lady that bleeds o jare ( i watched a documentary, like you explained about the hymen). Besides, being a good girl or a virgin does not guarantee jack (esp if you are doing for the wrong reasons). One of the most fundamental thing is that he sees you as an help meet and someone you two can have a wonderful future with despite all. It is what is sometimes , our expectations are slashed but shouldn’t be an excuse to start distrusting o. Abeg, he should see the potential and great in you just like am sure you saw/still see in him.

        What makes a marriage wonderful and last longing aint goodiness or virginity although it helps in massive doses if partners are but its the intentions and state of the mind including your faith (JESUS) makes a difference. xxx

        Lets stop this illusions.

        lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

        • jennietobbie March 5, 2013 at 5:33 PM

          Amen!!!! gbam. End of story

      • Former girl March 5, 2013 at 3:20 PM

        Don’t mind him.. I didn’t too. I dated my ex for 3yrs but I don’t care if he believed or not becos btwn me and my God I know he was d first.. Though, I remember there was a particular day I worked hard, as in everywhere, grocery shopping, clothes shopping like really busy.. Woke up to pee around 1-2 Am bled very lightly, though it was flow.. In the morning, I didn’t see anything again just brushed it off.. Fast-foward 1 yr and half ltr, things happened with d usual bleeding..

        People!! Nt everyone bleeds oo..

      • Omoge March 6, 2013 at 7:53 AM

        Monica go park urself for corner Jo, cos u were a virgin abi? No need to tell jack to nobody….a lot of us have told and it was used against us to how do u define that?

    • Kemi March 4, 2013 at 12:05 PM

      I feel its better to come out clean with all ur secrets and keep nothing back at least open up to 95% of ur past. I told my finace who I have been dating for the past 4 years now about everything when we were about 9 months into the relationship. He felt really bad at first and I thought it was going to end there and then but he came back and we are still going strong. Its better he/ she hears it 4rm u other than a 3rd party. We all have our pasts so far as we are willing to change thats what makes the difference.

    • Funms March 4, 2013 at 12:13 PM

      2 abortions? Yikes, and she told him. You tell such to a husband. So, if today he meets sm1 else now, he has his perfect excuse. Sorry my dear, I cant guarantee you are still capable of getting pregnant. Do you know how much that will hurt?

    • TheTruth13 March 4, 2013 at 12:34 PM

      Ben in the exact same situation as the last scenario about the female who was dating a guy for 6 months. I think its best to keep shut (from experience), not all but just not every detail.

    • dp March 4, 2013 at 1:35 PM

      very lovely article, well for me i agreed with tools mum say, but with caution, say the necessary things you have to say and dats all

    • Tiki March 4, 2013 at 1:49 PM

      IMO, tell only that which will have a bearing on your future. No need to tell your partner how many people youve slept with, or that you had gonorrhea when you were 19. However if the gonorrhea caused complications with conception, and your partner wants kids, you HAVE to tell them. Either way, actions have consequences – we just need to make sure we act in a way whose consequences we can bear.

    • InCotonou March 4, 2013 at 1:54 PM

      I’m love this write up! Here is may take. Your life is your own to live. Relationships are partnerships, nothing more. The other person does not take over your life. Full disclosure is not a pre-requisit for relationships. Sometimes, you need your privacy as well. And it’s not just about things like HIV, previous partners, children or communicable diseases. How about money? Does my partner need to know that I sent some money to my Dada, or helped my sister out financially? Not necessarily. There’s nothing worng with it, and he may even approve. That’s not the point. The point is, every person needs to have their own private space in their head.

    • baye March 4, 2013 at 2:56 PM

      ok. so i was friends with a married man for a while, met him in a professional capacity. Along the line, i kinda started dating him. Despite my best intentions (and my home training) I dated him for almost 3yrs. We are still good friends till date. When I started dating my boyfriend, he saw a (relatively innocent) message from the guy and asked me about him. I told him how we met and that he’s a friend. I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass but it would break my fiance’s heart if he knew i had been with a married man. Especially cos they are the only two men I’ve dated. Should I have said more? Should i be saying more or just let sleeping dogs lie?

      • heartbroken March 4, 2013 at 4:23 PM

        madam KEEP SILENT he dont need to know you have been with a married man. SHUT IT MATE!

      • Hello Kitty March 4, 2013 at 5:07 PM

        You go and tell him naaa and forever provide him with a solid defence. if he doesn’t drop ur ass like its hot, then just know that u can NEVER confront him if you catch him cheating. because we all know that those who live in glass houses….

      • Idak March 4, 2013 at 8:48 PM

        The problem with asking for advice on a forum like this is that everyone will advise you based on their personal experiences or based on themselves.
        If i was in your partners shoes,i’ll be more upset if i ever find out from any other source but your mouth.This argument that men can’t handle the truth is a simplistic generalization.
        On a related note, i am uncomfortable with folks who desire to know every detail of their partner’s past.
        I really don’t care how many guy’s you’ve slept with it in the past as long as i am the only one at present.

      • Purpleicious Babe March 4, 2013 at 10:41 PM

        I think the qs I would ask myself is, if it was the other way round, what will I prefer? The truth, I don’t know about other people but that my own take. But then again, use godly wisdom not the worlds own cos its conniving, selfish and unworthy. MY take.

        lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

        • Purpleicious Babe March 4, 2013 at 10:55 PM

          I also think the way the truth is presented makes a MASSIVE DOSE OF DIFFERENCE.

          Some of us lack essentials ways of communicating/addressing situations, likewise some of lack ways of accommodating and understanding situations.

          I tell you this for FREE: if a partner leaves you/ breaks up due to the truth, pls be sure it is the truth cos it could be other underlining issues e.g. their own insecurities, inability to handle the truth etc. If you fell in love with a once rapist now a better person will you want to know or not? I do believe for anyone to tell you deep things they must feel some sort of strong connection and convictions about the person also knowing fully well they could potentially handle the truth (not always).

          Its not always easy to handle some truths, whilst others run to humans for help/worldly advise, others run to God and ask for help on how to handle the situation and pray for grace too. Like I said, Life is dynamic goodluck to some of us that wants to do it our human strength.

          Once you understand the dynamics of life in a small way, you begin to have a different view or should I say more understanding/profound views. We are products of our environments and some of us did things innocently, ignorantly and stupidly but that why it makes US HUMANS/IMPERFECT and we have the opportunity to LEARN AND BE BETTER.

          We need to look at the fruits, by the their fruits you shall know them.

          lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • JADE March 4, 2013 at 3:00 PM

      Yes everyone needs to have their own space in their heads but you need to tell the other the truth abt ur actions that may have a direct bearing in their lives, i for one will not stick by a man who waits till we are engaged to marry to tell me he is impotent becos he has tried to cage me, he should have told me earlier so that i decide without the added pressures of breaking off an engagement. I refuse to tell a man, even my husband how many men i have slept with, even the said bf doesnt knw how many men have slept with becos it doesnt affect him directly and i dont need to know how many girls hez been with so long as its been certified that none of us have any diseases. It is always better to tell ur partner the truth cos whoever tells them for u will exaggerate to the moon and back

    • mia March 4, 2013 at 3:07 PM

      tell the truth, but not just to some random guy who is confused on what he wants to do with you or where your “friendship” is going. A guy who sees you as his last bus stop and who truly loves you, you can tell your past and trust me, he wont even be asking for the gawry details nor will he use it against you. my 50 cents!

      • I can't be bothered March 4, 2013 at 5:40 PM

        Exactly…being that there are loads of random guys around nowadays (wolves dressed in sheep clothing) i agree with you jare… i thank God for the guy…and wish you all the best in your affairs and pls whenever you’re confused about a guy/girl just don’t bother cuz that means there is no love. That is the beginning of failure, just walk away. have a good life.

    • Babes March 4, 2013 at 3:30 PM

      @Monica
      I got married 5 months ago after a 4 year courtship of no sex. I had never had sex with my ex’s either. Wedding night comes with much anticipation, there was no blood, it didnt look like there was a hymen but obvious difficulty with penetration.
      I felt very bad and didnt quite understand what happened. Hubby didnt think much of it and it dosent bother him either. I never used tampons or did gymnastics(which are ways you can loose your hymen) while growing up. I keep wondering, what happened to me. Was I born without a hymen or maybe I lost it unknowingly along the way

      • Monica March 5, 2013 at 7:02 AM

        thanks for sharing this.

      • virgin March 5, 2013 at 4:31 PM

        Nothing is wrong with you. Your hymen was simply no longer intact for him to break if you will. Any number of things could have ruptured it (lots of physical activity, badly done pap smear…i say badly b/c a pap smear need not breach the hymen). The important thing is you wanted to be a virgin when you married and that’s what you were. You don’t owe it to him to show blood as proof. If you all need further convincing, ask a good doctor. You didn’t say your man was a virgin anyway so he needs to stop the whole proof talk. And you too need to stop letting this eat you up. Just focus on enjoying your lives together. I have a friend who was really sad about a broken hymen so in some way I really sympathize with your story b/c I know my friend felt badly about not being able to have that experience she had read about (you know the blood on the sheets thing) but she realized and hopefully u will too, that it’s not something you can control and so you can’t hold your joy ransom to it.

        • virgin March 5, 2013 at 4:40 PM

          sorry, I just wanted to clarify that I see your husband is not bothered by the whole no blood thing. GOOD MAN!!!

    • Madam the Madam March 4, 2013 at 4:20 PM

      Abeg abeg, these men aren’t ready to handle the truth. If it’s not a huge thing ie. Prior diseases, an abortion, the inability to bear children etc, then I’m not saying jack. No need to confess your entire history of sexual relations o jare, they will claim to be open minded but turn around and judge you in the end. Don’t be a learner.

    • highflyer March 4, 2013 at 5:00 PM

      honestly speaking this is what i am passing through right now’ i am presently in a serious relationship with a guy that graduated from same department with me same year as i speak we are waiting for service, we started dating in my 500 level 2012 and i used to know his girlfriend because she comes around the department to see him, but whenever we (Friends of his) ask him about the girl, he w’d tell us that he don’t have a girlfreindas for her, she’s just his pet’ that he is just trying to look after the girl so that guyz won’t take advantage of her, so we believed him and continued thinking he don’t have a girlfriend, during our final year he started asking me out but i told him to stick to the girl he has been looking after since our year one but he bluntly told me that he is being so honest to me that him and the girl has no feelings of such for each other. i started giving him a chance but before this i pleaded him to be honest to me if he ever had anything with her but he insisted that he never did so we started dating until when i was done with my school i left the school and traveled to my parent leaving him behind while we await call-up, our interaction was now based on phone communication but he suddenly changed when d gal was back to school from IT we w’d be talking on phone and i w’d start hearing someone screaming in the background calling me all sorts of names, so the third time i confronted him that i must speak with the lady in the background so he told me that is his Pet. so last week having found out we are not receiving our call-up any time soon he decided to join his people @ Lagos. so a day after he left i received a call from the Girl she told me she has been trying to reach me since the very day she screamed @me on phone but her ex-boyfriend never allowed her to, so i asked her who her who the ex-boyfriend is she mentioned my boyfriend as her ex that they broke up the third day she yelled @me, so i gave her a listening ear and she told me many thing she passed through in this hands thinking they are meant for each other so she was enduring… she told me he met her when she came to write post utme in my school and from there they started dating till when my picture appeared in the scene, i told her that he never told us that u are his girlfriend and so she was so surprised she decided to narrate how he dis flowered her, beats her up whenever he fills gives her bruises on her body in fact she told me how violent he was to her and how he made her never had any savings she feeds him and almost pays his school fees each year how he even told her negative side of us (his friends) so that she w’d not come close to us, she said she hated our crew because of the things he told her especially me. and even how he was never proud of her in the midst of his friends. aunty toolz please i wish u could review my story it has kept me dump from speaking with my boyfriend for a while now so i told her to call him and tell him that she finally got my number and she was able to narrate her past relationship with him to me. plssssss what do i do i need your advise

      • Let it be.... March 4, 2013 at 6:36 PM

        Omo…….stories that touch!!
        Anyways….just look for a way to double check her story because some girls can be trifling (but I kinda seriously doubt that’s the case) and if it turns out to be, dump the bobo. shikena…don’t think about it twice oh. A Yoruba adage says “the cane used to beat the senior wife is safely stacked away in the shelf for the new wife” In your case, if you stay it, will be literal….

      • Innocent till March 4, 2013 at 7:15 PM

        i agree with double checking o. As much as he’s done to her, she still wants him ehn. Makes her story a little sketchy. i know some girls still stick with a violent man but then again, it seems silly that she’s going to all this trouble to push you out when she thinks the guy is a violent cheat. Double check sha

        • I hate people that say "thank me later" March 4, 2013 at 10:42 PM

          You’d be surprised….One of my friends (a lawyer oh!!) that was in a violent relationship once told me she didn’t mind the abuse as long as the guy didn’t cheat on her!! I swear this is a true story! The fact that the girl might be messed up in the head by tolerating abuse doesn’t make her a liar….I would advise @highflyer to double check as well, but I seriously doubt that the guy is innocent….He only hasn’t started dealing with her yet!!

        • Purpleicious Babe March 4, 2013 at 10:57 PM

          I was about to say double check?

          But heyhoo, whatever happens life is a learning process so yeah.
          lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

      • Omo March 6, 2013 at 8:04 AM

        Lmao, high flyer u still dey ask for advice? What the heck does he mean by she is our pet…..the guy is a freaking lier….don’t even care if the girl is lying u don’t need all that drama in Ur life….go and face whatever u are doing…..no dulling

    • Hello Kitty March 4, 2013 at 5:04 PM

      My mother once told me “anything that does not add value to yourself, don’t tell a man” and i have lived by these wise words ever since, because the truth of the matter is that no matter how “understanding” ur man is when you tell him, one day one day, as surely as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, he will use it against you.

      • Purpleicious Babe March 4, 2013 at 11:09 PM

        I am not trying to pick an argument. But people will people, if he does use it against you, depending on the severity of how he used it, I would think its is own insecurities and lack of mental maturity and inability to comprehend that life happens in stages. We all do various things at some points, he has no right to use it to insult you or judge except if he/she was provoked based on the recent actions. For instance, some people make it difficult for others to accept them as a new/better beings because their actions begs to differ. Whilst some people simply cant hack/handle the truth.
        All of this takes practice, ROME wasn’t built in a day.

        Like I said before we are products of our environments so sometimes the way we should respond to truths or situations is based on experiences we have been taught/ what someone told us, whilst it good to accommodate views of our parents or prominent family members/ people, its important we develop our own personal mind and how we can do things differently for the betterment of all.

        We learn, grow, develop and change as we move along, somethings gets dropped off, others gets picked up. REAL, GENUINE relationships are about learning, discovery to be better than yesterday and that takes HARDWORK.

        So Yes I agree some people are capable of using the truths against us but I firmly believe people have personal issues/demons and use the truths to make themselves feel better.

        I need to stop commenting… lol. FOR REAL??? i should issue my own article oo. lol. xxx

        lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • 'Mide March 4, 2013 at 5:14 PM

      It helps to be open up on what you know matters in a relationship. The measure of what matters is what you are itching your partner knows about your past that would give you peace of mind. A friend married a lady abroad that eventually turned out his a close friend had slept with in Nigeria. She hid it from him until he heard about it in the country. Their relationship headed downhill from there. Personally as a guy, I want to know what you have been up to and don’t want to be in surprises. It makes sense to let me know what I am getting into than surprise with I hid it from you because I loved you and was scared you could not handle it.I have had a girl tell me worst things in her life, only to shatter my trust with a two timing incident.

      • Funms March 4, 2013 at 6:04 PM

        In the same vein, I hope you tell your girlfriends all the girls you have slept with, and the ones that probably got pregnant, and had abortions. I don’t get the ehn, i found out my friend slept with her, I couldn’t get over it, we broke up. Did she cheat on you with the guy? This happened before you met. Did you meet her a virgin? The girls you slept with in the past are someone’s girlfriend or wife today. Do you know how many girls have met girls their boyfriends or even husband’s have slept with and they didn’t know. I have never heard o, so let me state that now. I have never heard a guy tell a girl, ehn, you see that girl that we said hi to at the cinema, I slept with her.

        • 'Mide March 5, 2013 at 3:37 PM

          You seem to have gotten me all missed up. Probably comprehension is the problem. I wish I could help but that seems impossible. Hear now and wellu wellu , any woman fit do wetin she want with her bodi, but the minute wey she talk say she wan hide her past, then there is that reality that has dawned that something smelly and ugly did take place in the past. No one wants to be sold a lemon. Never!

      • Idak March 4, 2013 at 8:57 PM

        After knowing all that, what will you do with it?
        Guy, too much info is not necessary.
        Always remember this: Don’t ask too much,else you’ll be told lies.

    • Louda March 4, 2013 at 5:56 PM

      I believe Tools opinion of telling if you were married before or have gone to jail by yourself because the person will surely know in the long run and it will be bad if the new partner finds out from a third party. Met this guy recently, we havven’t really discussed deeply before he travelled out, I kept feeling he might be married, wanted to ask him but didnt just want to ask just like that, I wanted us to discuss towards serious issues like that so I can ask. I asked a friend who comes from the same place as him and I found out he was married and separated. My gut didnt deceive me and I really mind dating or even marrying a divorcee. He will be back soon and I feel awkward knowing I’m going to break up with him even before we started. Met another divorcee recently too, his first introduction was that he is a divorcee so I politely let him know I mind. We are platonic friends but nothing serious gonna ever happen. God help our young people, divorcees are all over the place now.

    • www.thebanquethall.blogspot.com March 4, 2013 at 6:18 PM

      It’s good to lay everything bare but u do it with wisdom. Wisdom is the principal thing. Pray about it first and let God guide you. When you meet the man whom God destined for u, he will accept u the way u are. Unfortunately, many do not marry that ‘perfect will husband’ God had for them. Always ask God to give u ur very own, everything else becomes very easy.

      thebanquethall.blogspot.com

    • z.z March 4, 2013 at 6:47 PM

      This abortion thing is a no-no for me oh! As long as you had the abortion in a hospital and it was done properly with no complications why does your partner have to know? You’ve been cleared by a medial doctor so please what will you gain from telling him? You exercised your right as a woman and it is nobody’s business…
      If you can’t conceive due to the procedure then you can disclose the information.

    • Pressplay March 4, 2013 at 6:56 PM

      Let’s be real, some truth is best left unshared. If it eventually surfaces, like they somtimes do, you’ll handle the situation, hopefully as mature partners and know where you both stand, whether what you both share is beyond past mishaps and worth salvaging or it was a good run while it lasted. Toolz always has gr8 gists sha. Kudos.

    • Follow Mummy Toolz' Advice March 4, 2013 at 7:32 PM

      Women are more forgiving than men. Had a similar scenario with a guy I got engaged to who wanted to know complete details and I shared. A few months later, he was using it against me in arguments and the relationship eventually degenerated. In a way I’m glad it happened because as someone pointed out someone who cannot handle your past cannot handle your future. However, if there are regrets/mistakes in your past you have forgiven yourself of and made peace with your Maker, I struggle to see the wisdom in sharing.

    • jade March 4, 2013 at 8:13 PM

      Each situation is so different I cannot say completely yes to either. I really dont know, it depends.

    • igbo canadian March 4, 2013 at 9:22 PM

      My dear if this dude is not talking about settling down…or am not seeing any serious moves. I ain’t telling nurrin, nada, NATHING! Once bitten 100 times shy. I told tried the honesty route once and it bit me hard. But incase anyone wants to be honest omo know the guy well o. Its very risky to spill everything

    • Yellow Cocaine March 4, 2013 at 10:33 PM

      EVERYONE Wants To Know The WHOLE Truth…. The Problem Is The WHOLE Truth KILLS Faster Than Pancreatic Cancer…

    • Nkem March 4, 2013 at 10:36 PM

      Things like “We are Osu in our kindred we can date but we can’t marry”? How does that sound? Abi that one follow for truth na?

    • my thoughts March 4, 2013 at 11:30 PM

      Honesty is an absolute term. If you aren’t going to say the whole truth there’s no need to begin. Also, you need to think about what you are trying to achieve by being honest.
      Some people use honesty to lift the weight off of their burdened heart for selfish reasons while others reasons are truly selfless.
      I believe that not all things are secrets but that, not all things need to be spoken about. wisdom and the spirit of discernment are key.

    • sandy March 4, 2013 at 11:41 PM

      I think it not black and white. It depends on the guy involved. I never told my ex boyfrend about my boyfriends before him, somehow he got to find out I had boyfriend before him and all this while he has been thinking he was my first. We broke up. Severe trust issues eventually killed the relationship. Right now am engaged to b married. I have told my fiance everything think might affect us in future but heck no! he doesnt need to no how many guys I have slept with or if I have done abortion o not. Am not a virgin dats all!

    • zsa zsa March 5, 2013 at 6:56 AM

      I agree that most nigerians especially men are not emotionally mature enough to handle certain information.
      I was molested between the ages of 7 and 9 so i had major issues with sex when i became an adult, I didn’t like to be touched and sex just scared me silly. I got close to this guy who thought he was gods gift to women, we started dating and the issue of sex came up and i tried to avoid it for a while but eventually had to open up about my past and why i’m a bit “stiff”. The first thing he asked was “so are you a virgin or not?”, i told him i wasn’t even sure and that was the truth! The guy never remained the same. I eventually told him some issues of abandonment i had with my mum and one day during an argument he used it against me…told me straight up that i did not have the ability to love because i was abandoned and maybe i inherited that trait from my mom. I never cried so much in my life, he later apologized but the damage was done. I shared that part of my life because i wanted him to understand and know me better. The funny thing is dude had a number of secrets that he shared with me and i never repeated them not even to his face…from domestic violence o, to statutory rape o, to jail time o…i never judged him but he never hesitated at the opportunity to throw my past in my face.
      Do i regret sharing? absolutely not! If i hadn’t told him about my past i don’t think i would have known how shallow he was….all the proclamations of love were bullshit! Its not like i shagged a bunch of guys o, i was molested for crying out loud and he made it seem like I did some thing wrong. He later tells me realized he should have been more nurturing and protective but it was way late…that was the sign i needed to gerrout!
      Now i’m married and my husband knows about my past too and it has brought us closer together. Some things should be shared between couples but with caution, a man/woman who loves you for the right reasons will stick around.

    • Lamide March 5, 2013 at 9:45 AM

      Awwwww.bless you zsa zsa….ur story touched my soul.may u always be happy in your marriage

      • zsa zsa March 6, 2013 at 6:27 AM

        :) Bless you too dear and thanks… i am a very happy woman and i wish you the same,

    • JADE March 5, 2013 at 10:31 AM

      Amen to that prayer and thank God you were wise enough to get out when u did. statutory rape ke? u try oh, even stayed after finding out all those horrible things

    • BlackMagic Babe March 5, 2013 at 1:40 PM

      And jail? Awwwww,u try ooo

      • zsa zsa March 6, 2013 at 6:30 AM

        @ JADE and @ BlackMagic Babe. See me see stupidity o lol. I was trying not to be picky or judgmental but God knows his children, i ran outta there hehehe.

    • Traditionalbay March 5, 2013 at 2:13 PM

      When a guy comes up with bullshit story in-other to know your past, just know u are in for a very loooooooooooooong thing! the choice to share your past should come naturally, i smell rat when it is induced! a friend told her bf she was raped, the idiot was demanding to know how it was done…ALLinALL, women are at the receiving end. so? donot spread all your cloths in the sun (an old adage). Wisdom is profitable.

    • Max March 5, 2013 at 2:18 PM

      ……. not emotionally mature??? Please speak for yourself and dont generalize. This weak line has been overplayed…. Men Men Men. But coming to think of it; your father, brothers and husband are all men. You get caught up while playing chewing gum love and next thing you know; the woman is looking for a man to blame.

      • Madam the Madam March 5, 2013 at 3:38 PM

        She said “most”, so calm down with your gra gra.

      • zsa zsa March 6, 2013 at 6:25 AM

        Max dear. This is not a men,men,men issue…and i believe i did say “most PEOPLE especially men” meaning this also includes women. I’m not sure what you meant by “chewing gum” love but nobody got caught up in anything. Not that i owe you any details but we were both fully grown at the time and as i mentioned i have no regrets.
        I have been blessed with a great husband…again the reason i said “most”.
        If it seems to you that women are always the ones complaining about being done wring it is because women have always been held to a different standard from men. Men can have 10,15,20 past relationships/sexual encounters and a woman can and in most cases will accept it. But the case is always different for women. Imagine @traditionalbay telling the story of her friend who shared her story of rape to her BF and the guy asking how it was done? i once casually mentioned to my ex that i attended a bachelors eve party while in university and the guy stopped dead in his tracks asking why i had never mentioned it before. Like i just revealed something earth shattering. I was just weak!!!
        Women are expected to be pure and perfect while the men are forgiven all sorts. Even you as a guy can attest to this fact so relax!!

    • Annie March 5, 2013 at 3:14 PM

      Omo, i read all the comments now my eyes are hurting…telling everything is a no no for, i have things i would only share with the man i marry at the end of it all…..if i have been able to keep them to mysef until then only the man i marry 2moro would get to know, that is if i really do have to tell him, i don’t want any1 making me feel bad abt the decisions i made in the past or things that happened in the past..Peace out

    • 'Mide March 5, 2013 at 3:39 PM

      @Funms:
      You seem to have gotten me all missed up. Probably comprehension is the problem. I wish I could help but that seems impossible. Hear now and wellu wellu , any woman fit do wetin she want with her bodi, but the minute wey she talk say she wan hide her past, then there is that reality that has dawned that something smelly and ugly did take place in the past. No one wants to be sold a lemon. Never!

      • Lady March 6, 2013 at 8:19 AM

        @mide lemon ko lime ni, but u expect women to handling u guys all used up and dirty from Ur dogging around abi….it’s men like u that are guilty of what we say, marriage o be by force, Ur not a virgin she is not a virgin if u don’t like to hell…….no man is indispensable….

        • 'Mide March 6, 2013 at 3:11 PM

          @ Lady :
          In all honesty, when you meet the right woman it does not matter where the woman has been what she has done. But it matters that for me to ride into the sunset, you get to ” laun fun mi ” on those that rode you before I finally arrived as your Prince charming and scapegoat. No e be eyin eyan mi o!

    • Max March 5, 2013 at 5:00 PM

      Doesn’t make the depiction any better. I bet you like chewing gum love. “His” wash wash fooled you too abi and now you’re bitter like the rest of them. Park well !

    • wish it never happened! March 5, 2013 at 5:00 PM

      I still feel pained,and still can’t kind of get over it…my ex boyfriend younger practically fell in luv with me,we bound so easily and before I know,I fell too..it first started like two people that understand each other(thou at that time,I was not in relationship,and I’m like 10yrs older,but you won’t know,he look matured,and I look v young,with model features),we share great thought and idea together,he is one of the sweetest and kindest person,I ve ever seen,and he was trying to make amend with me,so that I could accept his brother back,so the closeness was much of a problem,but for reason known to me,I don’t want go back…Back to the main gist,me and my ex brother became too close,and within a second,don’t know what or how it happened,found the guy lips on mine…..I was shock, but why I couldn’t just resist,the chemistry was great(haven’t felt anything like before) we passionately kiss and romance,I mean intense(sorry for the details)…..no sex however,but the romance was intense! I felt like stabbing myself after that moment…I felt withdrawn and dat was the end of our friendship…my ex is stil begging me to take him back,to get married!but with this incident,HELL NO EVER……

    • jennietobbie March 5, 2013 at 5:29 PM

      if you can’t handle my past, and my present…ain’t nobody got time for you in my future. Absolute truth or STEP!! Honey, 7 billion plus people??!! uh huh. I must be out of my mind

    • xox March 6, 2013 at 12:29 AM

      all the best with telling the truth.. better favor to y’all ride on&enjoy. bye

    • Louis March 6, 2013 at 9:44 AM

      Ladies, in your own interest…it is better to tell the WHOLE TRUTH. Men are hunters, and if we see a babe we like, we will actively pursue until an objective is achieved, the objective could either be casual sex or a serious relationship.
      In the process of his hunting, the man has to gather information from his fellow “hunters” to see which guy has pursued the babe before or to acquaint himself with the babe’s profile and activity, and this is usually done where guys are consuming alcohol..and if its one thing i know guys talk about when drinking alcohol is Money, football,girls, sex, and ex girlfriends that broke their hearts.In the process of this information gathering some secrets are definitely revealed that the guys heard from the “hunters” grapevine. So just imagine the kind of info that is exchanged between guys on Friday nights!!. ladies in your own interest..if the guy has said that he loves you and you love him…its better to tell him the truth gradually but it must be the whole truth cos whether you like it or not…..He can find out if he wants to, or he may stumble upon it. So in case some girls are wondering why the guy they thought would start a serious relationship with them, all of a sudden began to act funny and then gradually stopped calling or texting..he may have found out some “ish” about you from several 3rd parties. And if after telling him the truth, he is able to look past it cos of the love he has for you, then smile and make sure you do everything in your power to prevent other girls from snatching him from you. :).. One love my people

      • dilz April 17, 2013 at 4:02 PM

        Very very very very well said Louis. I had to literally beat the truth out of my wife…..cause i kept hearing stuff from third parties and it was heartbreaking cause it would have been easier to manage if she had mentioned to me herself. Unlike babes, who code from each other, guys ALWAYS talk….and the truth will always come out.

    • 'Mide March 6, 2013 at 3:27 PM

      @ Lady :
      In all honesty, when you meet the right woman it does not matter where the woman has been what she has done. But it matters that for me to ride you into the sunset, you get to ” laun fun mi ” on those that rode you before I finally arrived as your Prince charming and you wan come make me your scapegoat. Please no make me your mugu, just tell me the truth. E no matter I go still do you.

    • jojo March 7, 2013 at 12:00 PM

      Telling the truth pays off when both parties have defined their relationship and they know where its heading to.
      My fiance actually told me some things which as helped me a great deal in accepting him and appreciating him.
      We are about getting married soon and my parents have one reason or the other to kick against our union, the other day my dad told me somethings he found out about my fiance and he was shocked that i wasnt suprised when he told me cos it wasnt new to me.
      My mum also told me somethings she found out about my fiance and she was also shocked that i confirmed it was true cos she never knew my fiance would disclose such an important information to me.
      I never knew my family members including my aunties are going about investigating about my fiance and all they found out are not new to me.
      I was just imagining if he had never told me all this, I know myself ooo I would just call off the relationship . Abeg after all have gone through from men am not ready for any kind of shocker again cos this is an issue of trust, which will later affect my trust for him later in the marriage.

    • uche March 7, 2013 at 5:18 PM

      well I’d have loved to read all the comments on here first before adding my 2-cents, but I do not want my opinion to be biased or swayed. I’ve been there, I’ve done that (wow, I’m saying this at my age?). I have a principle I strongly live by: 100% honesty and honestly it doesn’t work all the time, but when it did, it paid off. IF I plan/think we have a future with you, I’m sure I’ll tell you EVERYTHING, before we even start dating. If you don’t like me, dump me… and it worked. I told the guy every single thing about my past, he found it awkward that someone my age had that sort of history, but he never took it out on me in a negative way. He helped me change. I owe who I am now partially to him. He taught me a lot about myself, in fact the story is endless. Honestly, we didn’t date, but that was for religious reasons (he’s muslim and I’m christian), but I learnt something very important from him. So you do not know, your partner wants ALL of you, not some parts of you! Your honesty now may put your relationship in jeopardy but in the long run, if its meant to be, and if the person in question is mature, we’re all good to go :D

    • ose March 7, 2013 at 10:48 PM

      I don’t advocate telling d man all. Tell him some basic things and forget d rest cos I know , he isn’t going tell u everything .

    • Moving on swiftly March 10, 2013 at 9:43 PM

      How odd that i am going thru this phase ryt this moment. Told my boyfriend about my ex-es when we started dating. Didn’t want to initially because I usually don’t as a rule but he seemed mature enough to take it plus I wanted to be very open with him. He his seriously obsessed with one of my ex-es and he uses my past and mistake to judge me. Dude keeps bringing up the particular ex-es name and using it against me in the cruelest way. I just had the last straw and I have decided to let go and move on even though we have come so far. A mistake never to be repeated by me. You are right, not everyone can handle the truth. Sadly

    • OJT March 11, 2013 at 9:12 PM

      If you have to/will live with someone for the REST of your life, then they have to know about the WHOLE of your life, past, present and future. The problem is not about telling the truth or not but how we live our lives. We live too much in the present without consequentially thinking/consideration about our future. What we would live to tell and how we would like our stories said. About how we live our life, people quickly jump into relationships very desperate. They give all the love too quickly. If you learn to be friends with someone first before taking the next step of a relationship, then you would have been properly prepared on the 5Ws+H of handling your business, telling the truth and if to this person. You let the load down easily and in progression. Once again if that person those not worth knowing it all, then you can’t live beside that person for the rest of your life. Their inability to handle it is a very good sign that you can’t live with them. If communication is the most important tool for a successful relationship then telling the truth is part of that communication. It is sure never black and white. It is quite a difficult, easy and necessary task depending on how you deal with it…

    • the360engineer March 13, 2013 at 8:11 PM

      I read this writeup but the comments inspired me to write about it …i have published it on my blog, I even wrote on zsa zsa’s story… check it out..
      the360engineer.blogspot.com/2013/03/question-for-gods-how-much-of-truth.html

    • Blindfolds April 4, 2013 at 1:39 PM

      One who loves you sees you as perfect; so yeah, it’s good to let them know you are human too by sharing your failings BUT proceed with caution. You do not want to share things that shock them into believing you faked them out or that you have been pretending to be someone you are not.
      Our past mistakes do not define who we are in the present; they were just experiences that (hopefully) made us wiser and stronger. May God grant us the courage and wisdom to be ideal mates to our partners.

    • Primebabe April 9, 2013 at 3:18 PM

      I told my ex everything. He was my first and so i didnt have exes to talk about per se. Just old classmates-i’m a bit of a tomboy :)- and toasters. I also told him about my finances-”on the surface”, i was doing way better than him financially and i wanted him to understand that by being a bit more frugal he could achieve a lot more.i totally didn’t do it to show off. I figa he couldn’t handle that last bit though.
      I tried so hard to make him see the money didn’t matter.But he eventually broke up with me, siting religion and him not being able to stand my being more financially stable amongst other things as his reason.
      I guess i”m saying this cos i think we shouldn’t focus only telling the negatives yeah. Cos what happens if successes in your life make him feel insecure? The older me now understands that it means he would always feel like you are trying to wrest power from him.which would put a strain on the relationship
      PS: i would still do it all again (full disclosure) if i find a good man……..and i believe i will :)

    • Gouda June 30, 2013 at 10:09 PM

      I like to think that I wouldn’t want to be with someone that will use my mistakes against me but I can appreciate that it isn’t always so easy. If I’m in it for the long haul, however, I would want to know just who I am getting in bed with and I would want them to know me. If I cant trust you with my mistakes and failures then you are not worthy to share my life. A person’s past is important to understand the person they have become. If anything HOW they tell you about their past will tell you a lot about the person you are with. I no dey sign marriage contract until everyone is fully informed. Forever is a long time to live with lies.