Thought a great way to kick off the week should be with a juicy hot topic.
So as the questions states ‘How Much Information from your past should you reveal to your Partner?’
Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems that as Nigerians, our degrees of separation are much closer than the average non-Nigerian add that to the fact that we LOVE to talk!
I like to believe there are various broad stages relating to this.
Stage 1 – Pre-Dating/Early Dating:
You know the drill – Boy Meets Girl, Girl Meets Boy
They find themselves falling for each other
You have talked all night on the phone, had long conversations over sweet cappuccinos at Piccolo Mondo.
A friend of mine, lets call her Kelly believes that you should lay it all bare from the beginning. When she is at this stage, she reveals it ALL. As in numbers (you know what I am talking about), names…the whole works while another friend, Temi is the opposite – for her mystery is key. As little information as possible.
Note that at this stage if things are going well, most parties discreetly start doing their ‘investigations’
Yup, you know the pre-dating background check.
For girls, its more about making sure the guy does not currently have a girlfriend or any disturbing skeletons in his closet while for guys often times they just want to be sure what they are getting into. Is this the real her or is she just putting up a front, what type of guys has she dated in the past etc…
– What do you do at this point?
So what do you think. Do you spill or not?
Stage 2: Dating
You are now officially the newest couple! Yay! Congrats.
People have started ‘hearing’ that you are together. If there are any major skeletons, you know that they will start tumbling out of the closet now. Even the most innocent of information can be made to sound salacious. Why?
Many feel the new to identify, that yes indeed they KNOW everyone and how best to PROVE that than to drop all the bits of information that they know about the person.
‘Oh I heard you are dating Funke, ah I know her very well, she went to QC and then Unilag but she moved to New York but not before dating Bolaji….you know Bolaji now, yes that one. I heard that she was engaged to one Tolu guy in Yankee before she moved back to Lagos last year’
True or not? Any major revelations might put a dent to the relationship.
So what do you do when you start officially dating? According to relationship expert Demi (well, she always seems to be in a relationship so she must be an expert..right?) ‘Even if there are no major soapopera-esque revelations, you should be as open as possible with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You don’t want him/her hearing any information from others before you. Even innocent information can be spun very badly’
So what do you think? Do you spill at this point?
Stage 3 – Engaged to be married
Now you are engaged or at the stage where you know you want to marry her or you know he is about to propose. This is a very happy stage for most couples but can also be very sensitive. Fine, all your cards are on the table at this point but there are some things that you might have never revealed to anyone. Perhaps a traumatic experience such as abuse or something that has been weighing heavily on your mind. Note that especially in Nigeria, ‘family investigations’ begin at this time. Your future partner’s family might start digging into you and your family’s history. Yes, This is a very sensitive time but as this is your future partner, as painful and difficult as it might be, its best to open up.
On the other hand, if your partner waits till this point to tell you he has a secret love child or that he has another wife…you might want to think again.
So back to the question, ‘How Much Information from your past should you reveal to your Partner?’