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How To Survive Your Ex’s Wedding

Glory Edozien

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African American Figurine Groom TY803Everyone is getting married and now so is your ex!

Not just talking about just any EX – Its HIM. The one who you thought was THE ONE!  Here is a case in point – Chika met Ike, they both fell in love, sweet blissful love. They had disagreements like any other couple but worked it out, he made vague references to marriage – it was reassuring, then things starting going wrong – it might have been his fault, it might have been hers – the details are now fuzzy and then all of a sudden it was over. It was all done and dusted….Chika hadn’t even thought about him in months. That was until her friend sent you an email telling her that he is getting married. She is in shock! Every fibre of her being tells you, it can’t be true – After all, they just broke up 7 months ago. She re-read all his old emails and cards. She didn’t think she would care but she did. Until the day finally arrived, and then she saw the photos on Facebook…

Sadly, what I have described above isn’t from a Nigerian movie. It’s the world we all live in and chances are we all know at least one person this has happened to (if you aren’t a victim yourself), or maybe even more! And whether you dated him 5 years or 2 weeks ago, truth is, even if you feel you are over a relationship – sometimes your reaction to the fact that an ex is getting married can be surprising. So what do you do?

a) Go to the nearest Baba and cast a spell of impotency on him?

b) Send people to the wedding to spray tear gas?

c) Follow the survival guide below

Please don’t send me any enquiries on options a or b oh! If you didn’t choose option C only Jesus can set you free!

1. Moving On

This is pretty obvious but extremely necessary (and you’d be surprised how many people actually forget this necessary first step). If he is marrying someone else, it is a CLEAR indication that he doesn’t want to be with you. No matter what he says, the fact remains that you are not the one with the ring on your finger. No matter how much it hurts, remove everything around you that reminds you of him. Under no circumstances should you call, text, email, facebook, blackberry messenger (or what ever other form of cyber communication tool is out there) him. This seems harsh, but believe me, in the long run, you’ll be better for it. A good way of moving on is learning to concentrate on new things or keeping yourself busy. I know it sounds mundane, but it works. Please note, I am not requesting that you make him your life long enemy. This step is necessary for creating some distance with your past and not an excuse to hold a grudge.

2. Find Yourself

Now this is very important, particularly if you were in a long term relationship. What most people don’t realise is that most times when you are in a relationship, there is a tendency to ‘lose yourself’. Especially if you were planning to spend the rest of your life with this person, chances are, you have changed a lot about yourself to accommodate your partner and the relationship. You may have learnt new hobbies or just picked up certain habits from your ex. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing as such, but it’s important that you begin realise which habit/hobby etc is really yours and which isn’t. Also, there may have been things you always wanted to do but couldn’t because your ex wasn’t interested or because you spent so much time with him, you didn’t have time to do it. The time you use to find yourself is also very important for self evaluation. Did you contribute to the break down of the relationship? What could you have done better? While this is not the time to beat yourself up or feel guilty, self evaluation is important to avoid repeating past mistakes. Also use this time to learn more about yourself. I cannot stress how important this stage is. This is why it is not always advisable to move from one relationship to another without some type of space in-between. Although in life there are always exceptions.

3. Love yourself

This ideally should follow naturally from the previous step. At first it might be very difficult to do, especially during the self-evaluation. You might discover things about yourself that you dislike or make you uncomfortable. You might even find yourself doing things that you never imagined you would do in a million years. Don’t worry, its part of the process. Learning to love yourself is the longest battle most women face and sadly it is not one every woman wins. But if you are to emerge from this trial a confident, independent woman, this stage is a must. If you do discover things you don’t like about yourself, ask yourself how you can change them. The person you have to live the longest with in this life is yourself, so it makes absolutely no sense hating you.

4. Surround yourself with love

Another obvious but necessary step. Having someone you love marry someone else is obviously a big blow and more often than not, it leads to feelings of low self worth and rejection. So combating those feelings are necessary. The first 3 steps help with that, but for most people, having people that constantly value and love you will prove even more helpful especially if you are suffering from low self esteem. Be aware that surrounding yourself with love, and jumping into bed with any and everything that moves are two different things. Sleeping around will only reinforce feelings of low self worth and will do nothing for your confidence.

5. Spiritual Rejuvenation

I wasn’t going to include this, but almost every woman I spoke to mentioned this. In fact this should be the very first point. Prayer and trusting God is probably the only thing that can help you overcome any sense of loss you may feel. Chances are, if this happened to you, not only will you feel rejected, you may also feel like God has forgotten you. But the Bible says “all things are beautiful in its time”. So continue to trust God for your time. As 9ice would say “omo na turn by turn, beg Baba God make e reach your turn”. And it surely will!

6. Forgive and forget

Rehearsing how much he hurt you and telling everyone who cares to listen will take you no where. I agree, it is necessary to talk about your feelings especially with close friends. But there must be a time when you put the events behind you and choose to forgive. Forgiveness is not fairy dust, it’s an active choice, although not an easy one. A close friend of mine once told me; “Be careful who you hate because half of them don’t know and the other half don’t give a damn”. So whether it’s in the short or longer term the only person that suffers from holding on to a grudge is you. Let it go.

7. Look forward to your future

Most women approach break ups like it’s the end of their lives. Truth is, it isn’t. It doesn’t even come close. You will love again and if the experience of others is anything to go by, the next man is usually a billion times better than your ex. So be expectant and love yourself everyday. Don’t fixate on the past, be confident, look forward to your future, set yourself new goals and ambitions and most importantly trust God!

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

32 Comments

  1. jero

    August 4, 2009 at 2:56 am

    Go to the nearest Baba and cast a spell of impotency on him,Send people to the wedding to spray tear gas…lol BELLA…HILARITY!!!i think i’l go for those options jare!!lol

  2. sting

    August 4, 2009 at 3:53 am

    lol @ Send people to the wedding to spray tear gas. That’s a thot.

  3. Dotti

    August 4, 2009 at 4:36 am

    Hmm, interesting read, however, I have encountered men who have had similar feelings about their ex getting married to another man. This article makes it seem as though it is only women that find it hard to accept an ex moving on.

  4. Ginger

    August 4, 2009 at 10:27 am

    OMG BELLA! This has to be the BEST PIECE EVER!!
    Thank you sooo much for this. Everything you said is sooo true and on point!

    Luv Luv Luv!!!

  5. mia

    August 4, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    I choose A & B lmaooo… ok no but heheheheee

    option C is soooo truuuuuueeeee…. im in dat process nw and i am almost over it..yipppeeeeeeeee!

  6. zazu

    August 5, 2009 at 6:14 am

    what a coincidence, last nite a common friend posted pix of ex’s wedding on fb,i saw the first pic,which was the parking lot at the venue and did not bother going tru the rest,on a good day i’ld have gone tru the rest since i pride myself as one whose head overides the heart,but i did not take that chance,even if i was not sure it was going to upset me, it was not going to do me any good either,so…..
    this thing happen especially when both parties were supposedly in love. its not a woman thing, although women av other issues.
    stumbled on to this article early hours today, nice one.

  7. DAMOLA

    August 6, 2009 at 12:01 am

    Just my thought.. I mean, so men don’t have feelings at all or what?..The post is kinda like saying it’s wrong for people to move on.. Even if we screwed each other for: 10 years and 1 day later I got married to someone else, if you try anything crappy, my reaction would be crappy, cos Ladies sure do know how to move on to the next guy!

  8. damola

    August 6, 2009 at 12:04 am

    I guess men are immune to this kind of things.. No one has any right to do anything to anyone just because the other party moved on.. point blank

  9. Bibi

    August 6, 2009 at 4:53 am

    Interesting read….
    But, sounds, very much from a female’s perspective and geared ONLY towards females?? unless im confused..Lets remember that there are MEN who also go thru this.. Im sick and tired of women playing the victim roles… There are madd vicious females out there o….

  10. a

    August 6, 2009 at 10:24 am

    spray tear gas…..thats too funny
    i did laugh out loud in the office and eveyrone turned to look at me

  11. babes

    August 6, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    well well, nice post.
    i was in a 4 yr old r/sip. we had our numerous fights. we broke up finally, at 1st it was tough , i applied ur rules and moved on. under 8 months met and got married to a real gentleman , we now have a gorgeous daughter. thank GOD i tied the knot 1st . lol

  12. Bunmi

    August 6, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Oh my days my The Ex just got married last weekend how random that you put this up..but jokes hun..lol

  13. W

    August 7, 2009 at 4:47 am

    So interesting. Exact same thing happened to me a couple of days ago. The thought of switching to brother-sister mode is excruciating…but what can I say? Movin’ right along.

  14. gbekun

    August 7, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    am guessin u both (dotti, damola) r guys??? i bet u guys do have feelins but a lot of times u sure act like u dont. respect is anoda thing most guys lack 4 their exes. even if u’ve supposedly “moved on”, do u have 2 put it all in her face? talk abt d facebk thingy where some go publishin who they jst got in a relationship wit. not mentionin those crazy status updates broadcastn 2 d whole world hw much their “in-love” wit d new woman. gosh! its sickenin n way too childish 2 me. all these r obvious signs dat they havent really moved on, seems 2 me like some1’s trying to prove something 2 their ex. hw sad… GROW D HELL UP FELLAS!

  15. ijeoma

    August 10, 2009 at 3:06 am

    I am happy to see this post today, it kind of help me to move on from same heartbreak. I was thinking about doing vodooo on him, I thank God today I got a better husband in my life that is better than my ex.

  16. toya

    August 10, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    so true, many girls need to read this

  17. PassionFruitGirl

    August 14, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Well said and well written Bella. I do hope and pray we women share this post. I have pondered on this issue in my head before. Women in general are jealous, so it would only be normal to feel rejected or not good enuff, but the secret is we are good enuff to be dat special woman in a man’s life. Healing process of things like this varies, as women are different, especially individual. We could be generalised on certain things, but some women can easily move on and some will take some time. I only sympathise with those women that have been in a r/ship for like 5 years or more and they split up with their guy.

  18. Woman Scorned

    August 14, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    Bella! Pls who is this Glory Edozien?! She has to be the most hilarious writer you have! LOVE IT!! LMAO on spray tear gas & call baba! Same thing happened to me n I cried like an idiot! Wish I knew the tear gas option back then!

  19. Bee

    August 16, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    hehe infact i went thru this as well buthtank God for mercies…trust me women the fact that he could lie to u shows u theres no need to feel bad cos the new wifey of his will def see pepper..hehe:-) cos def he dont have jesus so how can he respect any1 not even himself…thats y he did thats to u.so trust me when i say good riddance to bad rubbish you will do just fine…he wasnt worth it but we all go in relationships to learn new things and not all of em are meant to lead to marriage…never expect too much from anyone except God and it shall be well with you

  20. Tonye

    September 10, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Gloria Edozien rocks!!! This article is mad funny with some “real truths”!! The EX got married earlier this year and boy did I cry like a baby…… we dated for five years. We were both on different continents and we eventually broke up cos of the distance. It all came as a huge shock cos homeboy was engaged in less than a year and trust me he went all out on both the proposal and wedding. Thought I was never going to get over it, but trust me time really does heal all wounds….. as long as you decide you want to move and trust that God’s grace will see you through. It’s so funny but I’m genuinely glad for him and his lovely wife and I’m kinda happy things worked out the way they did :). Some really great tips on here…….. KUDOS!!

  21. oluwaseun

    September 14, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    cried my eyes out and i cursed him when my ex got married. anyway i have forgiven and i have moved on with my life.i totally agree time heals,if he happens to be yours in the first place he would never leave or get married to another lady in the first place.

  22. kemi

    September 23, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Glory I didn’t know you were talented like this…hella funny

  23. Ade

    October 20, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Gloria… this article rocks! I went through a similar situation, the only difference is that hes engaged and not married yet! I mean, he met the girl around the time we were dating, was dating the girl and I at the sametime, I decided to take a walk out of the relationship once I heard what was going on and a couple of months down the line, I was told he had come back home for his introduction… I was devastated and what made me smile today when reading this article was the fact that I did everything you listed above earlier on this year, I turned to God for consolation, I surrounded myself with family and friends that love me, I decided to find out what makes me happy and who exactly I am, I totally forgave him and moved on. Now, I must thank GOD cause I am a better person and I am in a better place today… SO ladies, trust me, all she listed above works, Im talking from experience!

    • penelopeia

      December 30, 2010 at 1:10 pm

      Similar thing happened to me, my ex is married to his ex. He told me when we were dating that he has broken up with her. after 2 and half years, i quit the relationship. Now he is married to his ex. i cursed him at first, for all the infections and diseases he infected me with (having sex with his ex and I), now my gnae doc says my fallopian tubes are blocked cos of those infections i had at the time.

      Sometimes, i cry my eyes out. he is married am not, he is probably going to have a dozen children and I dont know my fate. Is this fair?

  24. Natty

    June 2, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    what if,i want to get rid of the guy… Dont mind if he gets married this min, 2mr or not

  25. agnes sesay

    September 30, 2010 at 5:31 am

    it is so true..thank u so much bella for this info, it helps u to know wat to do if such things comes your way..God forbid tho..lol

  26. Kiki

    October 21, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    In love with this article! This is soo NOT far from the truth! I’m currently going through this (though in this case he just started dating someone else 2 months after we broke up!). Yes, so we said its the religion issues (even though we are both christians *eyes rolling*) the tribal issues (even though we are both ibo *eyes rolling again*), the language (ok so i do i HAVE to speak your dialect??) and the 2000 miles between us (excluding the vacations we spend together and the 7hour phone call everyday!) Truth be told, he’s not one of the nasty, lying, cheating, stingy or Godless guys so when we broke up and i cried, and just as someone wrote, i told myself “oh dont worry the next will be better” but then i respond… “great! so is Jesus coming to town again??” Short of long… he is an amazing guy and maybe we broke up for the “reasonable” reasons (even if after an unreasonable 3yrs of dating *hurmph*) BUT i still felt so burnt that 2 months after our relationship im seeing pics of him over the internet and his new beau! (gosh did i cry!) and i sat there thinking… except he was cheating before (even with all the beef i believe he wasnt) or i was SUCH a terrible girlfriend that he couldnt wait to get rid of me *BIG FROWN* …. Anyways, before coming across your article i had resolved to do EVERYTHING written above in the EXACT order (Ok except the God part… He’s the one i technically went to “jack” 😉 BUT its comendable and i can totally relate. Thumbs up!

  27. yeyelet

    November 30, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    nyc one! coming at d right cos i v a friend who’s presently going thru ds trauma.

  28. Graceie

    December 13, 2010 at 5:59 am

    It definitely sucks but life goes on

  29. UK

    July 8, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    throwa teargas at the reception lol

  30. shatu

    April 25, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    as i was readn dis i tot bella was referin to me, coz d same tin happened to me last mnth. after planning everytin n he came to c my dad d nxt tin we had a lil quarrel after weeks i heard he has gotten sum1 n is abt to wed her..biggest shock of ma life, I cried and was prayful fr Allah to grant me the strenght before u knw it i was able to focus n move on wit ma life. until d day i saw his weddn pix on bb and facebook, happily married and also d honey moon pix *sigh* its nt an easy tin really bt Alhamdulillah,slowly i am gettin used to it, praying hard to get a faithful boifrnd in future coz i dnt want to go under anoda long relationship. I have bin datin him fr good 7 yrs,bt Allah knws best.

  31. kayjay

    May 8, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Hmmm. so true. though it may apply to both sex but majorly to the women folks. thanks bella for this piece. I’m going through this phase in my life right now and with this write up i seem to feel a whole new world is spread out there for me.

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