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Are you the other woman?

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Before you all jump to shout loudly no, let’s be real, many of us are choosing this path, or at least find ourselves on it and at that moment are faced with whether to jump right off or continue along. Quite recently some notable women have admitted to being the other woman. Barbara Walters did, Oprah did and I know some of you did and are.

A while ago, a young woman sat in my living room and proceeded to tell me why she thought wives were the stupidest women. She said and I quote “Majority of the men I know don’t love their wives, they love their girlfriends. The wives are the fools because they clean up after them, take care of them and at the end of the day, he goes to have fun with his girlfriend”

I resisted the urge to slap the stupidity out of her brain. She was sitting in my house telling me, how she thought me and my kind were stupid. Ah…but I have come to learn that in order to gain wisdom, you have to listen to even to the most inane of conversations.

So I poured my drink as I listened to this otherwise educated and smart young woman, justify her choice in a roundabout fashion. The mind is amazing, you can justify anything if you really want to…I mean, Bush justified Iraq and I have just rationalized this chocolate chip cookie, well I am trying to justify it, but the truth us I really can’t justify it without lying to myself.

But I digress.

I think the key thing in her statement was that she was lying to herself. Affairs, adultery exist in a realm of lies. He lies to her, he lies to you, he lies to himself, you lie to the world, you lie to yourself and then you cry to yourself because there will be nobody left to lie to.

There was once a girl who once chased a married man. The wife found out and confronted her. The girl feeling like a hard babe pushed back. She basically told her that if she was handling hers, then he wouldn’t be with her. I expect she felt like she was too much, I expect he told her as much. But here’s the thing all he offered her was a few verbal sweet nothings, maybe a few dollars on top of that…what else…no commitment, no pride, no dignity? And I hate to break it to you, most of the time, cheating has nothing to do with the wife. With chronic cheats or sex addicts, you are nothing more than a fix. Would you reduce yourself to a baggie of cocaine?

I don’t know when we as women started to believe the lie that we have to settle for less!

Now here is my two kobo as far as being with a married man is concerned. Please know that this comes from a place of love and also I have a deep understanding of what I am saying, trust me.

1. If a man is married and stays married and has you on the side, then you are only a side piece. You are simply there because you agree to be there. Occasionally he may become so besotted that he will contemplate or maybe even leave his wife, but even in that circumstance, most of the time, it’s more about his needing to leave anyway and you providing a convenient safety net.
2. Men lie. Well, we all lie. We lie to get what we want. We lie to ourselves, so what makes you think that Mr. Man is not lying to you? He told you he doesn’t love her? What line do you think he used on his wife, when she found out about your last tryst? The same one. Verbatim.
3. The wives of men who cheat, have agendas. They stay for a myriad of reasons. Don’t assume stupidity is one of them.
4. Don’t believe the “it’s not where he is, it’s where he wants to be” myth. Where he is, is where he wants to be period. Trust me, don’t fall into that trap.

I know a woman, who was a man’s mistress for at least twenty years. She was and is a beautiful, elegant, educated woman. I don’t know what he told her to keep her hanging on in there for all those years, it must have been good. Long and short, this man had a heart attack and left everything to his wife and kids. His mistress and her child were left nothing. Their names weren’t even penciled into the will. She couldn’t see the body. She couldn’t mourn him publicly. She was a shadow widow, just like she was a shadow wife. She went to the memorial alone, her friends refused to go, and she sat at the back like a nobody. As she sat their crying about his death, she began to realize that in his real life, she was nobody to him. His friends that knew her, pretended otherwise. She was a strictly after midnight, no status. I think about her a lot. I wonder how a woman like that could have fallen prey.

I wrote the book, the Mrs club, because I wanted to talk about how people feel when pressured to marry, but there is a secondary pressure. The desire to find love. When time starts racing by, you start to become afraid. The question of whether you’ll ever find love begins to ring in your head, like and unwanted bell. You start to panic. You think deep inside even though you might proclaim otherwise that maybe you won’t find that perfect love. So sometimes when a counterfeit comes around, showing you all the romance you felt would come with that perfect love but none of the commitment, you think that you have to settle for less. Don’t feel bad, so many of us have fallen for their verse. It is practiced so it’s convincing, but it’s no more real than the world they are promising you. Any man that is serious will close one door before opening another. This is fact, simple and true.

Tell yourself what you like…but find a little time to tell yourself the truth. These so called hard babes and senior chicks that self medicate with gucci and prada are sometimes dying inside. They don’t tell you that sometimes, he doesn’t take their calls for days or weeks. They don’t tell you that they have to beg sometimes for the money that they flash around like lottery winners. They don’t tell you that sometimes, they get lonely. They don’t tell you that sometimes they hate who they have become.

I guess that is what gets to me the most. I told that girl in my living room and I am telling you. If you are on the verge of making this choice. Don’t choose him. Choose you. Don’t give up everything you believe for a person that has made no commitment to you. Don’t give up the right to dignity for a little bit of intimacy, don’t give up being alone and end up lonely. You are worth more. You deserve to live and walk in the light. You deserve to subsist on more than crumbs, you deserve the cake.
I understand that fear, believe me I do. I think that sometimes that books and movies set us up. They are about romance, not love. When the screen gets blurry and the music starts, what is happening is not love, its romance. Love is commitment, pure and simple. It is not necessarily sexy. It doesn’t necessarily come with perfect words. It simply is.

And if you stop looking for the lies, you will see the truth and say it.

Yes O! Anyone reading this, I am begging you…it is as the Bible says, God is not mocked. It is the principle of the world even, what you sow, you will reap. I tell you, any tears you cause any woman to shed over your affairs with her husband, you will weep double in your life.

I posted this here because so many “good” girls are falling for the lie and before you know it, they leave their morals and their faith behind because of shame.

My darlings, I don’t speak because I am perfect, I speak because I know all too well. No matter how lonely you are, no matter how fine he is, or how lonely he claims to be, you deserve more. You are worth more.

And if you have fallen, if you are there, maybe he is sleeping right beside you right now…it is not too late to get up and say no more. Never mind the lies that float around in your head saying you are ruined. Hmm, who is ruined, what was Mary Magdalene, what about Rahab, no one is ruined before God. He is watching you and wanting you to come back to Him. He will receive you with open arms.

You are loved. By the most High. Now tell me what man made from dust can compete with that?

59 Comments

  1. Nollywood Forever

    December 12, 2009 at 11:40 am

    I sooo need to show this to a friend of mine. She is exactly that person you talk about and she justifies it by saying that “men in my culture cheat.”

    She also tries to make herself better by saying that she feels sorry for his wife because she puts up with his rubbish? I feel sorry for her because I see the pain underneath it all. She feels like time has passed her by and she has to grab onto the first imbecile that pays attention.

    You are soo right they do not tell you everything… I have heard her begging for money like a homeless person on a streetcorner… Why even reduce yourself to that? SMH! There is no shame in being single, and sure thing you will def end up feeling more lonely in the arms of a man who has already pledged his love to another.

    Nolly has spoken.

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  2. Rhoash

    December 12, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Beautifully written, truly said….

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  3. Caroline

    December 12, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I can feel the goose bump over my body while reading this article. I believe every woman, whether married, single or just don’t know what you are should read this. Way to go Ekene!!!!!. You hit the nail on the head. Keep it coming.

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  4. judy

    December 12, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    my God this was just spot on. fabulous read.

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  5. Elpee

    December 12, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Lovely article. So true words.

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  6. nono

    December 12, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    Beautifully written!!!

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  7. new life

    December 12, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    wow, this is so true and very well written. It is quite comical when “the other woman” chooses to believe the lies. Its like seriously, you expect the man to tell you he has the best wife in the world, she really doesn’t deserve to be cheated etc and still expect you to sleep with him? Low self worth is a malodorous disease and a man hunting a prey can smell it a thousand miles away and he will do and say anything to get “that” for as long as he can.

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  8. Jhai

    December 12, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    You are not lying Ms. Ekene! I’ve been the other woman and it’s not a pretty place to be. Granted he wasn’t married to his girlfriend but he met her first and they had been together for atleast a year before we started dating.
    I was new in the area so I didn’t know many people and this he took advantage of. He would tell me she was just a family friend who liked him and tell her I was a friend who didn’t know anybody and he was just being nice. It took me about a yr after I found out the true nature of their relationship to leave. I can’t go into details of the entire relationship, but I just have to say to anyone who might find themselves in the same situation…you are worth MORE than that (it might sound cliche, but you will understand in the end)
    They will never leave their wives/husbands (let’s not pretend that it’s only women who are cheated on) or otherwise significant other for you. It’s not going to happen. So leave now, save yourself the heartache, gain back your sense of self and dignity and find the right person for you.

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  9. JoaR

    December 12, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Well said Ekene, well said. I couldn’t have said it any better. I tried telling someone the same thing u just wrote but she chose to believe her own lies. There’s absolutely nothing more sad than when people have reached the point where they start to believe their own lies.

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  10. naima

    December 12, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Amen sista! this is one of the most articles I’ve read. And I’m saying it because I know exactly what you mean by the pressure of desiring love… and I’m still so young… sigh

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  11. temmytayo

    December 12, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    now, this is a good one.

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  12. anon

    December 12, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Fantastic article, and so apt just before Christmas!!
    its not worth it ladies, we are Princesses! Love the sentence, “Don’t give up the right to dignity for a little bit of intimacy, don’t give up being alone and end up lonely. You are worth more. You deserve to live and walk in the light. You deserve to subsist on more than crumbs, you deserve the cake.”
    A cheat will always be a cheat! Merry Christmas

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  13. uche

    December 12, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    Truth be told, a lot of good girls are for falling for this lie. It takes a lot of the God factor not to be involved in this mess.

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  14. sisiEKO

    December 12, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    i <3 how ekene onu puts it into writing!
    excellent.

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  15. RedHot~

    December 12, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    God bless you for this piece! Some girls haven’t moved up to dating married men, they date guys that have girlfriends. Don’t be another notch on his bed post. He has “wifey” and you, the chic on the side for a reason. When its time to get married you know whose finger he is gonna put a ring on. Get out of the habit of settling for remnants and trust God to give you your own!
    P.S. if he is cheating on his girlfriend with you, he WILL cheat on you too!!!

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  16. tala

    December 12, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Let University of Abuja girls read this….. many of these other women are little girls after politicians and men our fathers age. Imagine some chic saw her fathers number as ‘baby’ on her friend’s phone. Women say ‘but he was the one after me, dashing me money.’

    Tacky as hell. Thanks Ekene!

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  17. Chuka

    December 13, 2009 at 12:28 am

    This is a very well thought out and presented piece. I wish someone would do same for the men. My friend – a lawyer who lives in Maryland, USA -ruined a perfect marriage because of “the other woman” who he met on visits to Abuja and Umuahia, Nigeria. We are all so dissappointed with him and everyone is ready to support his wife’s whatever she decides. “The other girls” were supposed to be fixes but unfortunately he contracted some type of sexually transmitted disease that was passed on to the wife and this has resulted in inflamatory damage to her fallopian tubes. She’ll never conceive naturally. Although he already has a daughter and son from a previous marriage we think this is really cruel becuase they were hoping for more children. The sad thing is he probably does not know which of the so called classy professional girls he got this from and they are probably still sharing the love. The lady / ladies now live in the UK – I hear somewhere in Bradford. Apparantly that’s the new (good) thing with Nigerians – going to get Masters degrees in the UK. Anyhow because of this situation I really wish there was a website where names of such dangerous time bombs – male & female – can be published!

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  18. EY

    December 13, 2009 at 1:15 am

    Very well written Ekene….thank u for this piece..couldn’t have said it better.
    Not only are women worth more than being the 2nd fiddle; it is also important for them to remember that should the wife get on her knees and ‘PRAY’, it will catch them cos now u r breaking a covenant…so leave the guy to take care of his mess; if he happens to be in one…he chose to be there and if he can’t stand the rain with his wife, even if he does leave her for you(which is highly unlikely), when the rains come he will leave you too.

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  19. Anita

    December 13, 2009 at 3:58 am

    I have been in this situation before and it was the most difficulty thing I got myself into and out off; because when I met him he wasn’t marred .I was with him b4 he married her, he claimed that his people forced him to marry her even after they knew I was already in his life, stupidly I stayed because his wife didn’t live here she lived in Nigeria. I had him to myself for 11 months out of the year. He only visited her only once a year so I settled for his lies for 2 years. I felt like I was the main woman until news hit that the wife was pregnant. he still kept making promises of marriage but I just couldn’t believe him anymore I knew he was full of lies and deceit so I had him buy a property worth my heart break (believe me it was worth it), I got what I wanted and left (lol…)
    Who is to balm, who was the other woman? I didn’t stay to spite the wife I stayed because my feels were involved.
    Nevertheless, Ekene said it brilliantly! You shouldn’t lose you self worth, self esteem and pride because you lack sense of belonging or you crave material things that are not important. “These so called hard babes and senior chicks that self medicate with Gucci and Prada are sometimes dying inside.” I understand how hard and difficult it can be to let go and move forward. But what you need to think is why you have given this man the authority to control your life mainly because you think he loves you.
    GIRLS, is not as sweet as you think “Tell yourself what you like…but find a little time to tell yourself the truth. They don’t tell you that sometimes, he doesn’t take their calls for days or weeks. They don’t tell you that they have to beg sometimes for the money that they flash around like lottery winners. They don’t tell you that sometimes, they get lonely. They don’t tell you that sometimes they hate who they have become.”

    Ekene big hand up for this article 

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  20. T

    December 13, 2009 at 5:13 am

    It truly takes the God factor to get out of such things! And sadly many people fall into these relationships before they know it. It’s easy to forget logic when emotions take over. Hopefully, women observe their “other woman” status sooner than later and RUN for the hills before it’s caused any kind of damage.

    Lovely piece… and very well written!

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  21. Diamondgirl

    December 13, 2009 at 6:14 am

    nice piece of writing!…true talk too…it keeps happening all around us..thanks for looking into this issue..I’m worth more than taking all that crap..good job!

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  22. judith

    December 13, 2009 at 7:59 am

    This lady is so on point with everything, I can’t even front.

    The truth is ANY WOMAN can be the other woman but not every woman can fight the urge.

    It is up to you to decide if u want to be the side chick.

    The one he uses to bust a nut when he’s feeling a lil ‘adventurous’ and then pays her back with a fucking gucci bag…..What an Insult? lol
    Is that your worth?

    But like the author said, most of the time, these girls are looking for love, looking for validation, looking for self worth and unfortunately, some of them never find it.
    The lady who was a mistress for 24 yrs….God bless her soul. lol

    I am not judgmental because as the old adage goes, na condition make crayfish bend. Who is to say this wouldn’t be me in 3 yrs? (GOD FORBID THO)!

    But all i ask is that when I choose to partake in such degrading behavior, that I have a friend like this author by my side to tell me that I am better than it and not friends who would “GO GIRL” me, and behind me warn their boyfriends/husbands to not even as much as blink where I am, yet alone stare. lol

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  23. MiaJadore

    December 13, 2009 at 8:15 am

    True words of Wisdom!!! Back in the day such women used to be called “Ashawo backyard” but since promiscuity has taken over morality, they now have gained grounds and now come through the front door. Women are getting more shameless and sluttier and most societies seem to be encouraging such skanks by giving them the time of day. We see them in Hollywood, Bollywood and Nollywood (don’t even get me started) Women getting to the top not through talent, intelligence or beauty but through how many scandalous affairs they have with married men. I say SHAME on those who can only achieve their happiness through other peoples’ misery, SHAME. Well Done Ekene!

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  24. Nneka

    December 13, 2009 at 8:45 am

    Kudos Ekene! Ekene Agabu…..Ekene Onu….. Do all Ekenes possess such profound knowledge? You two rock.

    To the issue at hand….
    Like you I have literally resisted the urge to slap the stupidity out of some brains. Otherwise sensible ladies blindly basking in the aura that “He probably doesn’t love his wife/fiancee/girlfriend as much that’s why…… Total BS.
    Gosh infact I have seen this happen to some of the best of us.Is it TOW quoting 1 Corinthians 13, the bible chapter on love, to justify her feelings for another woman’s man? Or TOW sending emails to the guy’s fiancee to “fight for her man”? Infact if I were to write a similar letter to TOW, my tone would definately not be as nice as Ekene’s.

    A friend of mine was in this situation 6/7 years ago. She told me only about a year ago.She said back then, knowing she was in a dilemma, she had indirectly asked me if I could ever date a married man. Apparently I had let all hell loose with an emphatic “NOOOO! Who da heck does that and still claims uninterrupted sanity????”. So she kept it away from me cos she felt I could not relate to her plight and would judge her. I told her that, today, my response might be conveyed in a calmer manner but 6/7 years later, I am maintaining my stand without being overdramatic: “No. Who da deck does that and still claims uninterrupted sanity?”
    One thing she said struck me. She said prior to being in that situation she always cursed the other women she heard of, saying they will get 7 times the hurt they have put on others. When she found herself in that situation, she ‘fervently’ prayed to God to lessen her punishment from the curses she had prophesied. In her words:” I asked God that for my punishment maybe women can chase him but he will not leave me for any of them”. I remained quiet.
    It hurt to hear her say this. Here was my totally precious friend; first reducing her standards, dodging the necessary criticsm to confide in people who could ‘relate’ to her plight and then expecting karma to take the back seat in her own case.

    To the other women (interfering with marriages AND committed relationships/engagements):
    You are selfish. Unpitiably grossly insecure. Seeking sensitivity in the dumbest, yet most insensitive manner.
    Years will pass by. He may leave her. Most likely not for you. She might seem like the looser. But one day you’ll bite your nails till they bleed. Pick your hair till you have a bald spot. One day you will wear her shoes as karma reminds you that like you, it remains a b*t*h.

    To the sensible women out there, please keep your heads up. The undisputed best will come.

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  25. proenza

    December 13, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    “Imagine some chic saw her fathers number as ‘baby’ on her friend’s phone.”

    Oh my days! That’s crazy!

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  26. Ziizii

    December 13, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    Hummm, this is a wonderful piece!
    The writer sure does know what she writes about.
    I know a friend that is dating a married man, I have long advised her to leave but she won’t…I keep praying and hoping that someday she will get her head straight and get up, guess that hasn’t happened yet so im waiting…
    I was myself in a similar situation, (not with a married man though) I was in a relationship and knew the guy was seeing someone else (don’t know if they were dating before we started) but along the line I knew there was someone. I tried telling myself all the time that he favours me…looking back now I can only just laugh at how stupid I was and what people must have thought of me. I only accepted defeat when I heard about his engagement, I was shattered and broken, there was no one to cry to, I ran back to God like we do many times. He took me in, -his warm embrace, I am whole again and I thank Him. The basic problem we have is the fact that we forget our worth, this piece of writing says it all. We forget that Gods words cannot go by without fulfilment, the moment we trust in God and His words that moment, we gain freedom from the fear of the unsettled future! I am glad and Single at the moment, I enjoy my company, Love myself and when I’m lonely I call on God and he fills me…

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  27. Tinto

    December 13, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    I tend to always disagree when the ‘other woman’ is always held responsible for the actions of a cheating man, who took the vows to be faithful? Guess what is not the ‘other woman’. If you like preach till kingdom come there will always be array of women for the cheating bastard to choose from. I feel the onus should be on the guy to be faithful to his WIFE, even if he is been chased if he is determined to be faithful he would always resist temptations. Please as women we should never make excuses for our cheating men and please don’t fight any women over your husband/fiance. If one woman does not do today, the cheating man would always go and look for another willing partner.

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  28. Proudly_Naija

    December 13, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Please, please,please why don’t we hit the nail on the head the man who does not love or respect his wife, girlfriend etc is the one who two times full stop and don’t believe any story about he has needs etc because love is not selfish! Yes the article is a good one but why do we always have ‘the other woman’ articles and not ‘men stop being dogs’ articles?
    A woman will go ahead to marry a man who cheated on her while they were dating and yet thinks he is going to remain faithful when married (yeah right) if he isn’t sleeping with someone else yet it is only a matter of time if he isn’t on the internet watching porn yet it is only a matter of time.
    A man will hardly marry a girl who has been unfaithful so why can’t we women want and go for better men who will be faithful….. think I know why because those men who are good men hardly ever have swagger or the things that excite us, what a shame. So for those women who choose to marry dogs in the name of joining the Mrs club well the way you make your bed that is how you lie on it.
    I will not marry a man who I know cheated on me while dating because I can’t be in a marriage that lacks trust and trust me this is from experience.
    And for those who think a man can change take a cue from Tiger Woods, the tiger had spots he could not change not even a beautiful wife and two kids!

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  29. Dorah

    December 13, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!
    Amen!

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  30. Reason

    December 13, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    @Tinto, I think you are missing the point. This article is not about cheating men or preventing husbands from cheating. Did you read the article, I don’t think the author is placing blame, it is asking women to believe they are worth more than being a chick on the side. It is amazing to me how many women focus on the wife and talk about her like she is crazy. She may be, but if you are the other woman, focus on yourself. Did you see where she wrote choose you not him. Stop worrying about who is placing blame and start worrying about who you want to be. If all women decide to act with integrity and dignity, maybe men will still cheat, but maybe then they will begin chasing dogs and goats. Ultimately I think this article is speaking about sisterhood and self esteem. I hope you are not in this situation and are trying to justify yourself, because karma is a beyoitch. Believe. So many girls that thought they were smart yesterday, dey cry today. If you like no hear…just keep living. And jare, preach on, the truth like medicine is bitter, but if you no swallow am, you fit die.

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  31. Ozo

    December 13, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    GREAT ARTICLE EKENE!
    Once a liar; always a liar. A leopard cannot change its spots unless it dies and reincarnates as another animal. If we keep doing the same things we will get the same results, unless we change the result will never change. If men and women approach love selfishly then hearts will be broken. If we love like God wants us to then things will be different. Another note for the ‘other women’, wives can often forgive their husbands but who will find it easy to forgive the ‘other woman’?

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  32. munira

    December 13, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    lovely write up!
    its true! we have been set up by books and movies, its all romance NOT love.
    I always say, u can never blame the men fully, if women stayed away from other women’s husbands, cheating wud cease to exist!

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  33. munira

    December 13, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    some articles here, do seem to not want to castigate the ‘other woman’, i get where ure coming from but u wud also agree with me, that women more often than not throw themselves at these men, i have sat in convos where gals blive dating a married man is better so they wud do anything to ensnare him, bodi no be wood, so what do u think happens then? am a woman but i feel men by nature are weak, so its left to the women to help them ‘uphold’ their dignity and vows

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  34. bee girl

    December 13, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    true talk people…
    But i get awed everytime i see these so-called senior girls hyped in soft-sells and the likes. Our society kinds of, encourages this phenomenom; so many girls are into ‘runs’ (most times with men as old as their fathers) just to meet up with worldly expectations or to be addresed as lagos big girl/ island big chick/ she was seen at this or that event etc
    that is why, to this day, some of our so called socialite aunties are jumping from bed to bed to meet up

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  35. luvlife

    December 14, 2009 at 3:18 am

    that must have been horrible for her. I have a friend whose dad was a deputy governor and he told me how his sister found out that her dad was a sugar daddy for her friend/course mate. Coincidentally, she was at the University of Abuja also. This was about 7 years ago.

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  36. Mo'mentum

    December 14, 2009 at 5:06 am

    Well written. I try to tell anyone I know who follows that route, that Karma is a b****. What goes around, comes around with a vengeance. My theory is, a man will always cheat, but if you really love your wife, NEVER let her find out.

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  37. The truth

    December 14, 2009 at 10:40 am

    This woman seem to be a part of Chris Okotie’s Church with too much grammar ooo… Nice one sha

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  38. luvlife

    December 14, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Not to distract from the overall sensibility of your comment, I just wanted to state that a Tiger has vertical stripes not spots. I think in this article, Ekene deliberately chose to focus on the other woman. She has written other articles directed at women who choose to stay with a cheating or less than par significant other. Let’s face it, society is generally less tolerant of the “Other woman/man.” I am not saying that a cheating man/woman should be applauded, but the person who is aware that he or she is an intruder and still remains always suffers the greater harm (because all three or more parties involved suffer).

  39. lols

    December 17, 2009 at 3:36 am

    its almost hard to know if a guy is married or not… i hate to say this but naija men are just annoying sometimes. was just having this convo the other day with my friends… we go to the library very often right, and as soon as these naija men see that you are reading accountinh books they come and make conversation with you and start all this raspy talk. obviously a man of this age is married and you just know it. so my friend said how she saw an old friend a young guy, with his classmate an elderly naija dude( i say elderly …late forties early fifties) he introduced them and behind this guys back the man went to my friend and was talking to her even helped her with her work, then he started asking her out. so sha one day, the younger guy comes and says mr so so you,re still here? please come and go home, dont let me keep you from your wives and kids. my friend wasnt surprised. once the guy left the man said to my friend, dont believe what he just said i dont have any wife or kid……. shocking!!! he denied them.

    It doesnt end there

    My other friend, a married man in church was chasing her, and she was dude you are married and i know our wife….
    What did he say? that woman they just married her for me from nigeria by force!!!! they have 2 children by the way
    Like he must be crazy bcos his wife is hotTttt! and he is U.G.L.Y and sometimes i wonder where they found each other.
    i even know they moved here together from nigeria and he says such! what could possibly be the problem? even after 2 children , she is stil fine, good body and all the works. Men get issues .. Thats all!

  40. lols

    December 17, 2009 at 3:41 am

    The key to marrying the right man is to get a cue from God…. and marry a GOD FEARING MAN, they hardly cheat….

  41. Proudly_Naija

    December 23, 2009 at 12:07 am

    Was expecting someone to point that out but it wasn’t a mistake but rather a play on words. I sure know tigers don’t have spots 😉 thanks anyway.

  42. Nneka

    December 23, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    *Chuckles* I’m not a part of Chris Okotie’s church o, never have been.lol. Just my two cents sweetie 😉

  43. misstee

    December 30, 2009 at 12:50 am

    APT!A word is enough for the wise.

  44. bebe

    January 3, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    You are missing the point, This isn’t about men and how shady they are, how they cheat etc! …this is a woman writing about what other women do or situations they find themselves in where a ‘shady, lying cheat’ ends up being the love of ur life. Talking about how what a guy does or does not do is irrelevant to this write-up.

  45. q

    January 5, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    thank God am a guy.lol!eh ya. i wish my ex could read this. truth is women like to b lied 2,ask any guy. am experiencin it right now. never cheatd in my life nd my ex tells me its over,says i no christian enuff. lafff wan kill me. waitin and watchin, i definately wud have d last laff

  46. ameze

    January 6, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    very nice article. Alot of women find themselves in this position. I hope they get to read this and have a change of heart. First of all they are not doing themselves any good. Second they are breaking an institution (marriage).

  47. tele

    January 8, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    may the Lord bless you for this write up,if only people will learn part from the physical pain this usually causes,the spiritual pain is deeper.may God help us all to learn

  48. Claire

    January 20, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    I was once the other woman, it took 5 years and 3 abortions to get the gist… I thank GOD for the decision i made and for sending the best friend, confidant and Husband one could ever wish for,I will thank God with my last breath for sending me My hero..he knew of my past and even when i didn’t feel worthy, he told me and made me worthy, it took awhile but i am glad and happy where i am now..Being the other woman is like being on drugs, u know it wrong, u know it hurts, u are crying to get out…but the perks of the relationships covers all the warn signals/advice

  49. adesuwa

    January 20, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    life as the other woman is wasted time. you are like a pawn in the game . chess.

  50. Ini

    January 27, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Nigerians are polygamous by nature. Unfortunately, it is no longer openly acceptable, thus the prevalence of the “other woman”. You would also realize that on occasion the relationship with the other woman is sincere and real that the first one. A number of marriages were forced or manipulated and therefore there is no real love there, so one goes out

    We are also suffering a culture shock. Polygamy is frowned upon due to adoption of western culture, neither have we adopted their divorce and remarriage habits. So the “other woman syndrome” is still the middle road.

    PS I know its prevalent all over, I’m just speaking for the Nigeria environment

  51. roundrobin

    January 28, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    yeah, true hard talk..

  52. sedkt

    February 5, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    pls do a follow up article
    way to go girlfriend
    you are a star
    shine on!!!!!!!!!

  53. marie

    February 22, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    word!!! more than enough for the wise. really nice… way to go girl.

  54. helen

    April 30, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….great article….

  55. cici

    May 24, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    People do things for a reason. Women do things for attention, low self esteem
    try to fill the emptiness that they feel inside by going shopping. These are
    beautiful girls that no matter how many times you tell them, they still see
    themselves as ugly. Women who didn’t have “daddy” growing up,
    find themselves finding love in the wrong places bcos they don’t know
    what they want or are looking for in a man.
    It’s a lot of baggage. Women, you can never find
    the love or satisfaction in a man, money, the gucci shoes or bags, the attention
    you get from men, being just a pretty face. It’s only CHRIST that can give u the
    real love, that you keep looking for in
    the wrong places.

    People forget that these men have feelings too. Insecurity, anger maybe
    bcos their father or mother abandoned them. Men have a big ego, and they
    are looking for validation, affirmation or confirmation too, even if it takes sleeping
    with different women, and sometimes ruining their marriage.
    Both men and women are looking for that something that will satisfy them
    or that something that will fill up the hole they feel inside.
    Not trying to sound religous,
    but you can only find the satisfaction in CHRIST. The ones that I’ve been in
    bad relationships or are currently in one deceive themselves thinking, what am I
    going to do or be without this person. I’m here to tell you that you are somebody
    bcos God made you, and you are somebody in his eyes. You not only deserve
    the best, but God wants the best for you. Don’t be afraid to be lonely, find
    comfort in Him and He will give you the best.

    .

  56. Concerned old fashioned

    June 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    This is so true men don’t leave, their wives leave them because they get tired
    of a cheatin man. Or he leaves only because he wanted to leave and his marriage was not working.

  57. Temmy

    October 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Simply a beautiful wellwritten article,
    i trully respect you.
    you told the truth and nothing otherwise.
    sometimes ladies find it hard to stay on the ”good” side, because indesent things have become so normal.
    Keep it up.
    i rate you.

  58. Tiki

    December 1, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    this article made me cry…not just because it made so much sense, but because sometimes its easier to judge when you are not in the situation.I speak from a deeply private place when I say love hurts…sometimes its not about the money, or the pampering-sometimes it’s about the love. All the same, the truth of this piece strikes home…I think I’m about to share it with others, and I hope it hits hard where it should. Congratulations Ekene, may God continue to inspire you.

  59. scrupulous

    October 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    “He lies to her, he lies to you, he lies to himself, you lie to the world, you lie to yourself and then you cry to yourself because there will be nobody left to lie to.”…………And if you have fallen, if you are there, maybe he is sleeping right beside you right now…it is not too late to get up and say no more.”wow,dead on d money.u just saved a soul.

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