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For those who have considered suicide when love was not enough

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In this new year, this much is true. While we will have new possibilities open up and as Valentine’s day fast approaches, many of us will have new loves or even redefine our love for old flames, there will be still some who find themselves in painful situations. Some will get hurt. Some will cry. My prayer is always that we find healing for our soul.

I received so many responses to my note “Are you the other woman?” Some were hopeful, others angry, some were sad and depressing. I received a note from a woman that chilled my soul. She was so sad and embittered. She was angry and hurt. She talked about how she had fasted and prayed for him to love her but still he left. She talked about herself as if her life were over.  She talked about how he left her with their children to go and live with his love and their love child. Chai.

Now without a doubt, I don’t know the specifics of that situation but I know she is not alone in how she is feeling. I know many women have found themselves in this situation, many a woman has had their heart broken by a man who chose to walk. I know how it can feel when you are heartbroken and spiritbruised.  I know. And here are my words to you…

Maybe he hurt you
Maybe he left you
Maybe he disappointed you
Maybe he betrayed your trust
Maybe he broke your heart
Maybe he broke your spirit

Maybe you left him
Maybe you are still together
Maybe you are confused about what path to take
Maybe you are pressured into staying on one
One thing is for sure, no matter how you find yourself, in or out you can still be happy.

Maybe you are filled with pain and bitterness. Maybe you feel victimized. Maybe you have painted yourself as less than and I know how that can feel when your self esteem is damaged.

I want to give you a hug and say this…

Perhaps you keep replaying the horrible things he said to you in your mind. Perhaps you look in the mirror and you no longer like what you see. Drown the noise out. Get a new soundtrack.

Just forgive and let go. Move on. You are not a victim.

Yes, he may have hurt your pride and shattered your heart, but you can still be happy.

He chose to walk out, ok, fine.

Truth be told, the demise of your relationship was not caused by him or you alone. Maybe there were things you both could have done better, maybe you could have both become better, because no woman can take a man permanently who wasn’t already looking for a way out. So yes, this realization probably hurts and things may suck right now, but this is not the defining moment of your life.

This pain will pass, if you let it. What looks like an abandonment is actually a release. So you have downturned lips, get together with some girlfriends, have a glass of wine or two, put on some great music, allow yourself to cry it all out, then dance it all back, reclaim your sexy, reclaim your soul and open your eyes and live.

I know the other woman may seem a person to envy right now, but I assure you the picture is not as rosy as you think it is. And anyway who cares. You have a brand new life ahead of you. A chance to do it all over. How many people get that?

You have your children, who no doubt are the most precious things in your life. Give them a kiss and hug and laugh with them. Shoot, if you can’t call anyone, call me. Together we can cry and then dry our tears, we can pray and hear from God, then we can laugh and make merry, we can look at the life that is ahead of us, because I don’t have any plans of dying and I will share with you the chapters that I have closed that were filled with pain and I will show you those that are not yet written that will be filled with joy. When something like this happens it is tempting to stay there but my darling turn the page. This is one chapter, it is not your whole story. If you are no longer the wife, then rewrite your poem.

I was the wife, in a past life
Now I look forward, now I look up
I have dried my tears, I have quelled my fears
I now know my worth, I know how to push forth.
I gave birth to children, I will birth myself.
Into a new place of healing and forgiveness, into a new place of possibilities and blessings.
Today I am rocking joy and I refuse to wear shame.
Today I will laugh
Today I will live
Today I will love
Watch this space…
because the best is yet to come.

16 Comments

  1. miyaki

    February 9, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    wonderful!! going through a rough patch now, though strong to realise and know I am not a victim. your words are healing,

    1
  2. Ync

    February 9, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    very good write-up.I love it and definitely not the end of the world. Keep your head high up, to those who lost in love, the best is on its way. Been there and definitely met the best for ME

    1
  3. bebe

    February 9, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    this is lovely.
    women should try to pick themselves up and show the world that ‘inspite of it all………., i made it’

    1
  4. Oyesola

    February 9, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    My 1st time to drop a comment though I’m a frequent reader of your blog (and I must say that I thoroughly enjoy your write-ups). But this one in particular has kept me wondering why the focus is on the man leaving the woman. Why haven’t you considered the reciprocal case (which I agree though is small compared to its equivalent)? Is there a bias?

    1
  5. misstee

    February 9, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    i like.thumbs up!

    1
  6. Ekene Onu

    February 10, 2010 at 1:19 am

    Amen y’all.
    Oyesola…no bias…at least I don’t think so. This was a response to a wounded woman…I guess if a wounded man wrote to me, I would respond to him. Anyway the message is the same no matter the gender. No human being can make or break you, it is only God that gives life. So no matter whether you find yourself in or out of a relationship, enjoy the ride, if you have a partner, enjoy them but find your joy, live your life and be well no matter what.

    1
  7. London Bigz Gal

    February 10, 2010 at 2:53 am

    Your ‘other woman’ blog really helped me out of my situation which me coming to realise i was the other woman!
    I forwarded it my friends who were in situations like myself and i’m happy to say we are all no longer the other women and have taking control of our lives.
    I love your work, keep up the good work.

    1
  8. fokasibe

    February 10, 2010 at 7:14 am

    Very soothing words Ekene…very soothing indeed! God bless…X

    1
  9. Funmie

    February 10, 2010 at 7:36 am

    Let me tell you, this is like one of the best write-ups that i have read and that makes a whole lotta sense to me……
    Just what a whole lot of us (women) need as Valentines’ day is fast approaching. Encouraging and hopeful i tell you. May God bless u.

    1
  10. winneR

    February 10, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    This was a heart warming read,thanks Ekene & Bella naija.

    1
  11. Nubian Princess

    February 10, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I shed tears reading all you had wrote above and these tears only serve to reinforce my passion for life ….and love…after the pain and hurt. Thank you!

    1
  12. xxNubian Princessxx

    February 10, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I shed tears reading all you had wrote above and these tears only serve to reinforce my passion for life ….and love after the pain and hurt. Thank you!

    1
  13. mayowalulu

    February 11, 2010 at 4:15 am

    Today I am rocking joy and I refuse to wear shame.
    Today I will laugh
    Today I will live
    Today I will love
    Watch this space…
    because the best is yet to come.

    1
  14. james

    February 11, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    RIP Alexander MCQueen

    1
  15. feango

    February 12, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Beautiful read! Thumbs up bella!hope all posts on this site will be like this- on point!,great grammar, subject matter,etc

    1
  16. silva

    June 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    i love the write up its so encouraging and brings so much hope and courage to those who ar hurt to move on.

    1

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