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If He Likes it Why Hasn’t He Put a Ring on it? 5 Reasons Why Men Get Married

Glory Edozien

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How-to-Design-an-Engagement-Ring1Most sex and the city fans will remember Miranda’s famous words “men are like cabs, they ride along all day, carrying passengers but they only really become available for marriage when their yellow light comes on”. In a not so recent article in the Guardian, a columnist also claimed that a man can date a woman who is 100perecnt of what he wants for years but will end up marrying someone who is 60percent, 6months later simply because he wasn’t ready 6months ago. This explains why there are so many women walking around with broken hearts wondering why after dating a guy for 6 or 7years he ends up marrying someone else 10months after they’d broken up. The answer seems to be a simple one, he wasn’t ready! Yes, it really does seem to be that simple.

If I am honest, I had my doubts about this somewhat simplistic way of choosing a life partner. After all most women believe they are ‘ready’ for marriage in their early twenties. So how does a man know he is ‘ready for marriage’?  What makes the light bulb on the top of his head switch from a dark grey to bright yellow?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an inquisitive mind. I discussed these questions with my female friends but we soon realised that the only way to find out any real answers was to go to the enemy’s camp. Yes, we had to speak to the men! So I came up with a plan. I wrote down a list of 25 married and engaged men I knew and a list of questions aimed at deciphering why they had decided to get married. So off I went armed with my pen and paper and my mind poised with the determination of a woman going to war!

I made notes, spoke to friends and asked questions. I was excited, finally I would help women to discover what hinders that ever so illusive proposal.

Here are the top five reasons. Please ladies, as I always say, do not shoot the messenger! These answers are straight from the horse’s mouth! If you disapprove of any of the reasons, please take it up with the nearest available man you meet, not me! Thanks 🙂
Pressure:
Oddly enough this was the most popular answer. According to approximately 80percent of men surveyed, pressure was the primary reason for their nuptial decision. Pressure comes in different ways but mostly from family, girlfriend and peers. Pressure could also come where the girlfriend is pregnant or when the man’s career is dependent on him having a family.

Sense of belonging

This is closely tied to peer pressure already mentioned above. For example, although most men try their hardest to hide it, they really do want to belong. They feel a sense of unfulfilment when their peers get married and have children and they remain bachelors. Thus being a married man also carries with it a ‘big boy’ status. It indicates that you are financially capable to take care of a family and that comes with a sense of pride every man cherishes.

Reproduction

Never mess with a man’s need to procreate. In fact I have met many single men who say they would be content to have children outside wedlock and close shop permanently. Why bother with the nagging ways of a woman when all you really need is her womb? One blatantly asked me on one occasion. I am sure we are also aware of many men who want to get their girlfriends pregnant before they take them up the aisle.

Love
Believe it or not, fewer men, than we women would like to believe, marry for love. In fact when I asked the men I surveyed to rank their responses by order of importance, love ranked between 2nd and 3rd on a scale of 1-5 (5 being of higher imortance). Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that husbands don’t love their wives, it just means that love might not have been his primary reason for marring them.

Companionship

This too was ranked the least important. But I’ll confess, I was glad to know that even men had somewhat of a sentimental side to them. As expected, however, it was only my close friends in the survey who readily admitted that they too get lonely and loved having someone to come home too. Some even went as far as saying that the thought of being old and alone scared them. Who knew, men and women may well be from the same planet!
After the survey was completed, I tried to find a way to summarise these key points into one poignant tip. I looked through my notes expecting to have a eureka moment equivalent to that of Thomas Edison when he discovered the light bulb, alas it was not to be. There really doesn’t seem to be anything that makes a man ‘ready’ for marriage. Rather it shows that men are by nature ‘not ready’ animals. They know exactly the level of commitment that marriage entails and most would, if left to their own devices do without it.

This is the polar opposite to women who seem to be genetically predisposed to a ‘longing’ for marriage, stemming possibly from the need for validation, companionship and intimacy. Women operate with love. Men on the other hand seem more procedural. Choosing a wife almost becomes like the task of picking a personal assistant rather than a life partner! Or maybe I am being a bit too harsh? Maybe that’s just how men are and we should accept them for the logical, procedural mammals they are. But what happens when you are ready for marriage and your beloved is not? Well, if the above reasons are anything to go by, you have one of two choices;

1. Wait prayerfully while subtly applying pressure and hinting at his need for companionship and procreation. or…………………..

2. Get out of that relationship and yell TAXI at the next stop!

The choice is yours 🙂

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are https://www.canadianmeds4u.com/category/buy-antibiotics-online/ more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

44 Comments

  1. Mimi

    March 12, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Wow! I tried asking this question in my office and i got EXACTLY the same answers from my male colleagues. BRAVO!

  2. Anike Love

    March 12, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    All I know is if I’m dating a man for 6-7 years, and he hasn’t proposed yet then yeah, I’m definitely yelling “Limo!!” and leaving him to inhale the exhaust fumes!

    I think there is a lot of truth to the whole notion that men are never really “ready” for marriage. As some married male friends of mine explained it, there’s always that fear that they’re making the wrong choice, or that they will miss their bachelorhood. But they also mentioned that those fears dissipated once they saw their bride walking down the aisle and once the kids came. No looking back now! lol

    • adaeze

      July 27, 2011 at 6:13 pm

      i especially love the part men are ‘not ready animals’ if a man don do u sometin for this life you go really yell am ‘anumpama’

  3. Temi

    March 12, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    Great article. But pray tell, what was your sampling strategy and could there be an inherent bias in your sample?? :-))

  4. Ginger

    March 13, 2010 at 1:19 am

    LOL at “yelling Limo!!” For real, after 6 yrs, u’ll definitely need a serious upgrade!! lol

    Glory, Great stuff, as always 🙂

  5. Olówó

    March 13, 2010 at 3:18 am

    *I typed a pretty long comment earlier and it disappeard into cyberspace :-(*
    Glory, you spoke well jere, a guy is either ready or he isn’t. Pregnancy might not even do the trick.

    It would be interesting to explore the other side of the coin and look at ladies who are not ready for marriage even though the guy they are dating is pushing it. What are their reasons? How does the guy react? Step, get her down the aisle through dubious ways or wait till she’s ready?

  6. R-C

    March 13, 2010 at 3:56 am

    [email protected] the thought of the guy inhaling the exhaust fumes.But u’re right,during the 6-7year period of dating there would be signs of the guys unwillingness to settle down.I wouldn’t stick around that long to figure that out! I suppose women just freak out at the thought of leaving a guy and starting over with someone else or wonder if they would ever find someone else. Plus this clouded idea of “pressure praying”him into submission dosen’t help us see or think clearly.We like to believe God will intervene and change the guys mind but i guess thats just our cultural and religious background holding us back.
    That said…ladies if you meet a guy don’t wait 4,5,6 or 7 years to figure out he’s not ready…get to steppin’!

  7. Jen

    March 13, 2010 at 5:43 am

    I was thinking about that too… Anyway, I’m not even bothered, lol!

  8. Big T

    March 13, 2010 at 8:04 am

    So if a 22 year old guy meets a girl (maybe 20 or 21)….is there anything wrong with them dating for 6 years?afterall he’ll only be 28 by then….

  9. Uchenna

    March 13, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    Interesting. Nice article. I have to agree. Esp. in this part of the world. It’s kind of sad really, you see more women eager and ready to get married and more reluctant men. What would be more interesting is if someone can give a statistic as to the percentage of happy married couples, is there a way to do that? That I really want to know. I think most people have completely missed the point of marriage. Marriage was CREATED for people, not PEOPLE for Marriage. We tend to focus so much on the institution that we ignore the people we involve ourselves with.
    lol, I think I’m digressing….

  10. Nneka

    March 13, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Generally speaking, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, infact that’s ‘every’ girl’s dream. A number of people have made it through those 6 years but there are absolutely NO guarantees. Until they both get married they are dating/courting/engaged. The reality is that while in the pre-marriage phase each partner is replaceable.That’s just the hard truth and the issue.
    It’s really not about how long they date…..it’s about the level of mutual committment and respect they possess WHILE journeying through those 6 years, or as in some cases, 6 months. If you spend 6 years with a man/lady who you have growing doubts about,who cheats or disrespects it all boils down to nothing.You get the gist right?

    In relation to the article, people change and desire different things at different life stages. Your 21 yr old man technically has nothing to offer you but his prospects. At 28, he (hopefully) has a job and more female options, hence he will at every point reaccess his decision to stick with you. He’ll ask himself, “Why her? Why not Dayo? Or Bella?All the factors mentioned in the article affect most men, just to different degrees.He might love you but marry you more due to pressure from the 6 yrs together. Infact while breaking up with you, he’ll still tell you how much he loves you! About 3 months to his wedding, a guy once told me that he will ALWAYS love 2 women, his wife-to-be and some other chic he dated forever, his childhood love.Infact until a couple of weeks to his wedding he was still assessing his options with his exgirlfriend.You might say he is not a serious guy, a player but….ehm….you’re wrong. He was/is an assistant pastor at RCCG!The lesson: even godly men reassess the baskets they place their eggs in despite the stage of the relationship.

    Every relationship has milestones and goals whether fully disclosed or not. The value of every healthy relationship lies at the core of true, unadulterated committment and mutual respect.

  11. 2cute4u

    March 13, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    This is nice and educating… I do like and a lot..
    First time here.. I”d be back..Yeah, and congrats on your interview with Oprah.. I so envy you.. goodnaturedly though,lol.
    please visit http://helpnigeria.blogspot.com
    Thanks..
    http://www.askchacha4free.blogspot.com

  12. davis klawole

    March 13, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    most women have shown that they can’t be trusted enough to be loved, committed to or be a good companion!!! as much as men seem to be ”animalistic” in relationships, they are being aided by women so there is a giver and a taker.

  13. Inez

    March 13, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Let me tell you one honest truth, only a handful of people marry for love. Yes, men marry for the above reasons and women marry because: 1. They’re getting past the age where they’re most fertile. 2. They do not want to grow old alone. 3. Societal stigma of being single past a certain age. 4. Financial security. 5.They want to have a baby.

    But, what is love anyway? Isn’t it about choosing the perfect mate?

  14. Inez

    March 13, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    I totally agree with you, Nneka. Every one wants different things at different points in their lives.

  15. angelica

    March 14, 2010 at 12:12 am

    this article confirmed a lot of doubts (though am only 20 and not ready 2 get married lol) …… also , today a bunch of my friends were arguing about how and why monogamy these days is so difficult, how marriage is always gonna be a traditional thing irrespective of love blah blah. A girl jst mentioned how she doesnt think marriage cant be/isnt always about the tradition but also about actually loving some1 and wanting 2 spend rest of ur life with them. And some guy immediately barged in saying and i quote ”well, thats u saying it from a female perspective”. All the females in the group were quite shocked especially me lol …… so basically most of the time most guys arent marrying cos they actually wanna be with the person forever …they’r fulfillng all righteousness of having a wife , kids and financial stablity. They’r really from another planet lol!

  16. R-C

    March 14, 2010 at 1:46 am

    @Nneka & Big T,it is possible as i am a prime example 🙂 my spouse and i met before we got into college and married 10 years later. Trust me,it took a lot of patience and perseverance from both of us but we knew what we wanted.we never felt any pressure and there was(and still is)mutual respect.
    @Inez..,yes unfortunately only a handful of people marry for love.It is ultimately up to the people involved to decide if they want to take the plunge for love or the other stuff.
    I must say i have seen way too many marriages that resulted from pressure,age,the need to procreate or financial stability and all that may work for a while.Anyways i digress…love,communication and mutual respect are a winning combo anyday!

    • Pato

      June 12, 2012 at 4:03 pm

      Word.. @ R-C I like the last part of your comment. LOVE, COMMUNICATION and MUTUAL RESPECT.

  17. Friend of Zara

    March 14, 2010 at 4:23 am

    omo…2 years is a critical reassesment point. just enuff time to get comfortable and know if u want the same things, but short enuff to cut ur losses if u need to. 6yrs kini?!?!?!? in the extra 4yrs i could have possible met another man, fallen in love, married, pushed out one, pregnant with the next. :D. hehehe.

    i honestly dont understand10yr courtships regardless of starting age!

  18. MelonX

    March 14, 2010 at 5:32 am

    @Olowo don’t you just hate it when that happens…typing stuff and it disappearing. @others-someone alluded to this earlier,we really need to discuss women that aren’t interested in marriage, I am seeing more and more of these women, not because it hasn’t been offered, but because they too are afraid of commitment and the biological aspect — u know sacrificing the Vee JJ;or it could be that they are financially independent and would rather have a life-partner without the hassle.

  19. waffarian

    March 14, 2010 at 8:39 am

    The very thought of human beings thinking this way makes me cringe. Good luck to all, it sure is faker than fake out there.

  20. F

    March 14, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    That is untrue.Most women I know can be trusted to be committed, loving and are great companions. Sadly, I can’t say the same for most men even though there are a few good ones. This is not even about gender wars, its just reality

  21. Foxtrot

    March 14, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Dear! dear! – Im not sure which men you spoke too – but it seems that you worked with a very small group of similar men – and when you do that you get these kinds of results – where it seems like most men think alike.

    Unfortunately, my dear – you are way off the mark – i dont know of any guys that have chosen their partners based on pressure. I think if anything many more men are beginning to understand the importance of “getting it right” the first time. They now chose to marry someone they truly love and with whom they are comfortable.

    While your article is very well written, there is nothing in it that indicates that you met with men with different backgrounds – education, religion, tribe, exposure e.t.c

    sample = bias = inaccurate findings. sorry luv.

  22. Lala

    March 14, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    Thanks for your comment R-C. I don’t think its fair for people to generalize all men and women as thinking/ wanting the same.

  23. salsa

    March 15, 2010 at 12:31 am

    Davies… okay you say women cant be trusted, dont categorize all women in a box. you should try and be faithful in ur relationship and see what you get back in return. i constantly have this argument with guys and trust me, most women i know dont cheat however i know some that cheat, they claim its bcos they are not getting enough from their current relationship, so they are trying someone else before they move on. Do i think thats right ? no .. . . do 80% more men cheat that women ? yes….
    Apparently theres a new fad in naij, where guys dont get in a committed relationship with one babe, they just have fun with different babes, are they aware aids is real ??!?!?!?!.
    My celebrity friend wants to get me hooked up on him, i know better bcos he is a fine dude and are girls going to run after him? yes, can i handle that no? so for that reason i am not interested, bcos he will get too busy… blah blah
    so you need to get over the fact that women and not trustworthy and just pray about getting the right woman!!! A change of mindset is a good start x!

  24. silva

    March 15, 2010 at 1:21 am

    ”i dont know of any guys that have chosen their partners based on pressure”.
    well, do u think dey’ll tell u…
    no man will own up and tell you dat he did somtin or took a decision bcos he was pressurised. men like to be in charge, so even wen its not his choice, he’ll nt admit it, just to save face.
    my dear, lots of men get married bcos of pressure these days… esp, the kind dat comes if he’s the only son or wen the girl is pregnant… hv u eva wondered y 80% of brides 2day, are already showing on their wedding day?
    some scheme and connive with either their mothers or the guy’s mother and b4 u know it…wedding bells…
    i’ve seen it happen ova and ova, guy is slacking, b4 u know…’belle’…
    have u seen the movie Reloaded? Exactly wat happened btwn Steph and Van Vicker… they dated for yrs, suddenly anoda chik is pregnant for him, and due to family pressure, he has to marry her…happens all the time….

  25. Loveis not abuse

    March 15, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    I guess this analysis was done in Nigeria, i think Lagos where men view women as nothing.This was not God’s design for marriage, how can a man not chose his wife without thinking of love. Marriage is all about companionship and love, you can go through major issues in marriage and it only takes love to withstand the rough times. I guess the reason why these men are saying that they are pressurized is bcos they do not love these women, and for any woman to trap a man with pregnancy is a shame. If a man does not love you in the beginning even if he marries u, he will definitely cheat on u bad. Another reason given is to procreate, what about when the kids are grown? are u not going to be in the same house. Some men can be selfish sha, I personally think it is an insult if men are saying these are the reasons why they marry.Most men in Nigeria cheat continously bcos they are chosing wives based on the wrong ideas. My fellow women pls marry someone who loves u abeg, marriage is no joke and we need to be happy and not miserable in it.

  26. WaleAdeniji

    March 16, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Glory, i am a man and i want to let you know you got the right answers from the men you interviewed. We sometimes discuss this issues within us when we sit together. Presure from the parents sometimes is what forced many of us into deciding to please them by going into marriage. I remember a time i visited my mum and in the middle of the night came into my room and sat me down weeping. I was scared. I thought something was wrong. But alas! nothing was wrong as far as i was concern. She asked if there was anything i was hiding from her. I said “like what”? She said i’m i sure i’m complete as a man? I didn’t at first get her point until she queried why i haven’t brought whoever i would marry to her. I really was not ready. I had a girlfriend and i was having nice time but was just not ready to burden myself with a woman and possibly a kid. I go out whenever i want and come back home whenever i wish without anyone asking me questions. I had no one to think about but just me. However, when i was almost killed with pressure from mum and dad, ahhh! i had no choice than to satisfy them and decided to get marry. But tell you what? The fear we nurse before we get married is not really worth it. I later discovered there is joy in marriage when you are lucky to marry the right person.

  27. joseph udoh

    March 18, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    some men wish they get married early,the storm of life sometimes does not allow.I 4 one was unemployed 4 10 yrs after graduation.no visible means of income.In as much i was riped 4 marriage,I could not c any woman who wanted me 4 a wife.When Igot ajob they were allover d place looking 4 me.Even in my local church.Financial status in aman determines a man ealiest response 2 marriage.No cash 4get about LOVE dat wl lead 2 marriage.

    • Nih

      May 27, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      you nailed it

  28. R-C

    March 20, 2010 at 7:43 am

    @loveis not abuse…LOL,i totally agree in short..cyber hi-five to u for ur comment!

  29. Ehikioya Susan

    March 26, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    its a good thing to get married but what is marriage if you are not happy?regardless of any of the above reasons, we wld definitely get old someday n wld want to be with our loved ones,who would these loved ones be?the one you were never happy with? if u r getting married as a guy or a lady, happiness d is first consideration pls….

  30. sharon

    March 27, 2010 at 10:03 am

    All marriages are not a bed of reses, I would rather be alone and happy than to be married and miserable. There are marriages that last for a lifetime, and some does’nt.

  31. Divaliscious

    April 25, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Your so right, Glory.. does the name Simon Cowell ring a bell? (finally ready to marry after wasting so many women’s time! the bastard!) lol

  32. Josie

    May 7, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Love the ending!
    You truly are gifted in writing. Great piece.
    Btw: I agree, in Nigeria #1 and 2 seem to be the most common reason why men jump the broom. Owell….guess we just have to accept them the way they are *sigh*

  33. Eno

    May 7, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    interesting and funny piece.

    while i’d keep my (rather extreme/radical) views to myself, i’d say this; let the divorce rates in our immediate society do the talking.

    What is time if you really want to be with a person? What are the guarantees that if you do marry the person @ the “right” time, things will sail smoothly forever more?

    Why do we want to know the reason guys get married? Why can’t we girls ‘pop’ the question to our ‘him’, if we feel we’ve waited for ‘too long’?

  34. zaizai

    March 25, 2011 at 2:16 am

    puhleese, d notion or ‘ready’ is a decision….u can decide b4 u r financially/educationally/emotionally at ur destination or b4, its choice, choice, choice….

  35. martha

    September 7, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    I’ll never understand why some men want to get married as late as possible, preferably at an age when they have a receding hairline and an E. dysfunction. It’s their sole ambition in their youth, to not “get trapped”.
    So lame.
    There’s also those men who know deep inside they make for a lousy catch anyway so again they will brag to you how they do not want kids and marriage. Then you find out they live in a tiny filthy room with their parents and spend their money on “fun”

  36. Rocky

    October 27, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    These “reasons” sounded reasonable, though I was a little surprised that the desire for companionship wasn’t higher on the list. Another overlooked factor in your survey is that in the Western world marriage means monogamy and I don’t think males are naturally monogamous, so it takes some convincing to get them to give up their natural instincts.

  37. Pris

    January 30, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Women, men often like to have free things.if you’re with a man for 4-8 years chances are you’re sleeping together and the man is already getting fed. As some men say, why buy the milk, when you can get it free. That is one of the main reasons, perhaps even the main reason why the men don’t run to marry the women. Men love the chase and the thrill. So if he’s getting everything, without fully commmiting to marriage, the incentive to marry is almost non-existent. He meets another woman, who proves a challenge and doesn’t sleep with him and his adrenaline is pumped high and he’ll do everything to marry her.
    So ladies, stop giving your boyfriends milk for years and expecting them to be serious about marriage.
    When you’ve already disobeyed God by fornicating and your wishes are not coming true, then you begin to call on God, even while still remaining in fornication. God is no fool. His commands are not burdensome.They are plain and simple and for the good of His children

    • izzy bebe

      November 21, 2013 at 2:57 am

      dammn…that’s a good idea,,,to not give men “milk for years”. Ok, so for the “very few” women who are willing to do so, will men really marry them? Good point.

  38. izzy bebe

    November 21, 2013 at 2:54 am

    I would never have the patience to date a man 6/7 years? what!? gotta be kidding me!!
    After 2-3 years of dating, and no marriage proposal, im leaving the mother-! & with a motherf- revenge too! Hell, dogs think they could waste time too…- outta here.

  39. jeff

    February 28, 2014 at 2:07 am

    The most common source of problems in marriages is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went.

    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has little to do with attraction. If you are thinking of getting married, then please read “Attraction is a feeling. Love is a promise.” by Grenville Phillips.

  40. Jamie

    May 8, 2015 at 9:39 pm

    I can’t believe how dumb and illogical you people are.

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