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BN Prose: The Story of My Wife by Tolu’ Akinyemi

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My wife becomes a mute when mad at me. She would completely ignore me, pretending not to hear anything I say and, getting her to say even a word becomes as futile as cooking a stone in a sieve. Her last ‘silence war’ lasted three full days. I noticed she had ‘outgrown’ her favourite dress, and I stupidly mentioned my observation. This time, it has lasted a week already, a whole week of weakening frustration, yet without an idea of what my offence is or how to appease her.

I have tried everything, so far, nothing has worked; not even the flowers I sent to her office or my sudden delight in making breakfast and dinner, every night. Everything was as futile as cooking a stone in a sieve with a candle. The seven o’clock news came on, when I decided to give it another try; perhaps, ‘the god of the news would look down on me with mercy. I joined my wife on the sofa and softly whispered her name, but she was too engrossed in the book she was pretending to read. I cooed again, in a romantic voice tinged with desperation. “Oluwakemi…

I had deliberately made her name linger on my lips. There was no answer. “Guess who was at our office today?” I said. I paused to see if I caught her attention. I caught nothing so I continued. “It was your friend, Ngozi. She wanted me to give you the 150,000 Naira she owes you for our wedding’s aso-ebi. Can you imagine dear? Two months after the wedding already, your friend is funny sha”. ’Kemi shifted a bit uneasily on the sofa but without looking in my direction or saying a word still. My eyes brightened at the little reaction. It was the best I had gotten all week and it encouraged me to press further. I might be able to get her into a conversation soon enough. “Honey, I bought a new laptop today, a great machine and for a very good price, of almost 150,000 Naira. You know, it’s a needed replacement for that old horse I’ve been using since we were at the university”.

My wife shifted again. I could sense she really wanted to say something but was holding it back. I kept talking. “I used the… er… money from Ngozi though, but I’ll surely refund at the end of …er…” A quick lightning flashed across the room interrupting me, but it took me half of a second to realise the flash was my wife springing up from the sofa, with a menacing heave of her chest. “What?” ’Kemi bellowed, shocking me a bit with her transformation into a roaring lioness. “You did what, Femi? Spent my money, that I already had plans for?” She began to churn out several strings of words that could communicate her displeasure to a deaf man six streets away, before finally bursting into an incoherent tirade. I sat still and watched my wife, but the effect of my calm demeanour on her, was akin to splashing water into a pan of boiling hot oil. It only infuriated her more. I kept on watched her energetic out pour, till I couldn’t hold my laughter anymore, letting it out so violently, the walls of my stomach appeared to collapse.

Then slowly, it all dawned on ‘Kemi. Her face brightened as she began to laugh as well. I was already pulling the wads Ngozi gave me, to give my wife when she said, “you know liars will burn in hell right?” “So will people who get angry easily about money” I retorted, smiling and sticking my tongue out at her. She responded with what looked like a frown, a smile and a pout all mashed up, as she reached for the nearest pillow to strike me with. I quickly rose up, knocked the pillow off her hands and with a quick jerky movement, pulled her closely into me. The news was still on, but the newscaster’s voice sounded drowned and very far away. We simply stood there closely, in the centre of the living room, in silence, staring into each other’s eyes. ‘Kemi’s breathing got heavier as her eyes slowly began to shut. She looked really beautiful.

Photo Credit: essence.com

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Tolu’ Akinyemi, an Architect and writer was born in Akure, Nigeria. He writes flash fiction and poetry that he hopes people who hate poetry would want to love. His well-received debut “Your Father Walk Like a Crab” is available on Amazon in paperback and kindle formats. He blogs at www.poetoria.com

Tolu' Akinyemi (Poetolu) is a Writer, Architect/Designer and Entrepreneur. His two poetry books often described as 'a breath of fresh air' - "Your Father Walks Like A Crab" and "I Laugh at These Skinny Girls"  are both available on KongaAmazon e.t.c.  He is @poetolu on Instagram and Twitter. He blogs at poetolu.com and currently lives in London, England.

91 Comments

  1. me2

    February 4, 2014 at 8:52 am

    oh… very beautiful write up…

  2. mariam light

    February 4, 2014 at 8:53 am

    I can only just laugh.

  3. Dr. N

    February 4, 2014 at 8:55 am

    Still laughing! Hahaha! She thought she could hold on forever? Malice is such hard work. Lovely story. drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • Tish

      February 4, 2014 at 11:17 am

      For some people malice is like an Olympic sport and they’re going for gold.

    • JdB

      February 4, 2014 at 3:31 pm

      hahahahahahahahhahahahahahah No be small Olympics oh. heheheh

    • Bleed Blue

      February 4, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      Tish you have killed me! LOL like a jackal

  4. memoi

    February 4, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Lovely!! Great start to my day. Thanks for sharing

  5. Nkay

    February 4, 2014 at 9:08 am

    I had a smile after reading this… a really wide one!!!

  6. taiwo

    February 4, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Aww nice! I love. Please write some more. Thanks

  7. Rivers Blondie

    February 4, 2014 at 9:10 am

    I loved this… It’s something my husband can do…. hahaahahha

  8. Bella

    February 4, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Great story sha, I have always wondered what it takes to make up and also what it takes to get mad. BUT knowing that malice cannot stay infested in your life for ever is a good reason to laugh at yourself and not die from such non serious matters that some marriages fester for years. I am glad they can kiss and make up. Not so easy for some. Happiness is short lived sha. life is too short so be happy as often and when you can be.

  9. simi

    February 4, 2014 at 9:14 am

    i love

  10. SophisticatedIgboGurl

    February 4, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Don’t mess with a girls money……hahahahahahaha…..nice

  11. Lecker

    February 4, 2014 at 9:18 am

    Thanks for sharing, maturity and love always make a huge difference

  12. Vanessa

    February 4, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Ok. So when our partners are playing the mute card, we should play the money card. Noted.

  13. NIRA

    February 4, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Hahahahaha…. nice one, got me laughing trying to picture the scene in my head. LOL.

  14. Damilola

    February 4, 2014 at 9:30 am

    lmao.Nice write up

  15. switnex

    February 4, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Wow…cool lovely story…got me giggling.

  16. Feyi

    February 4, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Lol I really enjoyed reading it!

  17. chizzy

    February 4, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Lovely Write up,stil Laughin nd a good way to start d day.

  18. annybeke

    February 4, 2014 at 9:35 am

    HAHAHAHHAhaha silly man! i just love it! way to go bellanaija! i knw i surely will have a great day with dis kinda start.

    PS: i dole out the mute treatment to my bf sometimes, he totally cannot stand it but he survives and learns the lesson thereafter. it is so effective! #mischievous grin#

  19. naana

    February 4, 2014 at 9:36 am

    women and their monies… man don’t get near.
    good write up.
    want moreeeeeeeeee

  20. Gloxy

    February 4, 2014 at 9:37 am

    That was a nice one,persistence is the game, you will surely get what you want. I wish all partners should know this game.

  21. Aibee

    February 4, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Yay! My GGGGGGG-DD raised to the power of infinity from Gidan Kofa, Samaru, Zamfara made his debut on BN. Well done Tolu. I’m so proud of you! Please send more stories to BN oh. We BNers are not total philistines who are only into fashion and celebrity gists, we can also read smart, witty stories and poems like your.
    I enjoyed reading this again. This is Pamela Abubakar reporting for NCCF News!!!

  22. Adaeze

    February 4, 2014 at 9:45 am

    So beautiful…I love the story. You’re a great writer Tolu.

  23. cocktail

    February 4, 2014 at 9:48 am

    why doesnt this happen in real life…. gosh

    • Uc

      February 4, 2014 at 5:06 pm

      You captured my thought d exact same way.What would have happened in real life was she will collect d money hiss and walk into d room.infact that will be d begining of a new quarel.Women ,money,malice…..nice write up though

  24. D' Buu

    February 4, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Nice write up,I bet u just made my day

  25. ebony87

    February 4, 2014 at 9:50 am

    keeping malice is hard work especially if it is someone you love ever so dearly…..Funny piece. I love it.

  26. ifetemy

    February 4, 2014 at 9:50 am

    This is so true about women….nice write up

  27. Anuoluwa

    February 4, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Nyc write up….more power 2 u…

  28. Alim

    February 4, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Nice write up. She is lucky to have such a sweet and patient man.

  29. Dr. N

    February 4, 2014 at 10:05 am

    By the way, a better way of making that observation, would have been to buy her a similar or better dress. While she’s rejoicing and trying it on, u then tell her the old one is a no no. She probably wouldn’t be so angry. What d’u think? http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com

  30. Geebabe

    February 4, 2014 at 10:17 am

    150k for aso ebi??!

    • nne

      February 4, 2014 at 10:35 am

      na the only one wey u notice babe. lol. d struggle must be real…

    • camo

      February 4, 2014 at 11:14 am

      hahahahaha! Nne the struggle is real o very real

    • Jane Public

      February 4, 2014 at 10:36 am

      That is the only part you, you saw. LMAO

  31. Comfort

    February 4, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Hahahaaa nice one.tnks for d maturity you play

  32. Femi Osewa

    February 4, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Ha! I have read the author’s entire book : ‘Your father walks like a crab’; Tolu writes in simple plain English and he manages to blend our dear local language well into his write ups. This is excellent

  33. DAMMY

    February 4, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Excellent…moral of the story: dont joke with women wen it comes to money matter hahaha lol

  34. Tosin

    February 4, 2014 at 10:51 am

    loooved it…….. just another day in a woman’s life. and this does happen in real life. not everytime but it happens

  35. Shola A.

    February 4, 2014 at 11:02 am

    LOL…This is so funny, silly man, how dare you call your wife fat :D… totally enjoyed. I have read some of this guy’s penis as well, he changed my mind about poetry, he writes funny cheeky poems.

    • whocares

      February 4, 2014 at 11:28 am

      You have read his penis as well as his poems? Are they available on Kindle? You should throw your phone in the lagoon for the auto correct. lool. That said, this was too funny.

    • Bleed Blue

      February 4, 2014 at 4:09 pm

      🙂 Crazy funny! At first I thought it was some kinda weird metaphor but alas…the iPhone…

      Yesterday I was whatsapp-ing and was saying “I’m off to see ….(insert Nigerian tongue-twister name)”. My oversabi phone decided to convey “I’m off to see Erotica”.
      Hian! Good christian gal like me?

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      February 4, 2014 at 11:15 pm

      Oh my days!!! his P-what?

    • Jane Public

      February 4, 2014 at 12:05 pm

      You have read some of his WHAT!!!!!!. Oh my days. Bella Naija comments won’t kill me ooooooo.

    • ij

      February 4, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      Jesus must punish predictive text functions oh, hilarious!!!!

    • Tolu' Akinyemi

      February 4, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      Shola,
      Thank you for giving this writer an interesting story idea for his Pen…is an iphone the phone you use? Such peculiar inspirations often come from iphone users… 🙂

    • funmi Akinyemi

      February 4, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      egbon so you want to write on dat as well? good xtian like you ….

    • Oyin

      February 4, 2014 at 8:30 pm

      OMG! Tolu Akinyemi, this is such a brilliant write up, Its so beautiful I didn’t want the story to end lool, Please write more like this I beg you, such talent in the family; referring to sis Toni’s book I read recently. Keep it up.. 🙂 :D….

  36. X- Factor

    February 4, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Wow!

  37. F.I.F

    February 4, 2014 at 11:07 am

    i couldn’t help lol, i was already saying this guy wants more trouble……heheheheheheheheeeee

  38. camo

    February 4, 2014 at 11:14 am

    loooooool! What a beautiful write up

  39. Tobby

    February 4, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Beautiful piece.Tolu.it got smiling.

  40. SugarSugar

    February 4, 2014 at 11:43 am

    love it…. at least he noticed or didnt enjoy the silent treatment. I think my ex acually enjoyed the silent treatment at times or would feign not noticing – ”I asked if you were ok – you said you were fine now” lack of emotional maturity.
    The hubs in this narrative demonstrates high emotional intelligence and love.

    • Jane Public

      February 4, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      Oh my ex used to try that with me. His words were, you are behaving like a child and I decided to leave you alone. When you get out of it, I will still be here. Then one day, I decided to use that against him. You know what he said, you didn’t even care, you just ignored me, that was so unfeeling of you. I was upset with you and you acted like nothing happened. You should have seen the look on his face when I repeated those exact words back to him verbatim. ha ha. Immaturity with a woman is still tolerable a little. With a guy, I just can’t. I can’t be your mama mehn, what was she doing that she didn’t raise you well.

  41. LamLam

    February 4, 2014 at 11:47 am

    And the author is so cute

  42. Eniola(Be-cute)

    February 4, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Women!!!!!!!!!!!!it takes alittle…

  43. mrs chidukane

    February 4, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Love it.I actually prefer articles like this to all the boring celebrity news that is all over other blogs and on social media anyway

  44. Torn

    February 4, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    Awwwwwwwwwwwww……. How cute!

  45. Maryam

    February 4, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Awwwww soo cute!!! But one week of silence is too long I think, a day or two, okay but one week is going a bit too far…. That’s why I love my boo and the way we make up after a slight misunderstanding..

  46. Simsi

    February 4, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    I also do d silent treatment thing. My bf will know something is wrong immediately. He knows wen I’m mad at him, I dnt even have to say nything to him. He’ll just start apologizing. D silent treatment thing doesn’t last though. Can’t stay mad at him ♥_ ♥

  47. fade

    February 4, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    Hehehehehehhehehehehehehhe, beautiful write up and great writing skill you’ve got. Shola A, abeg, use 5d glasses next time to check your words o…P kwa? Hihihhihihi

  48. Angel Deco

    February 4, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    God! I dnt knw whc made me laff harder. D’comments or d’write up. All da same, men like dis r bcomin extinct in 9ja. Considerin d’fact we babes ehn, even ‘Lol’ can make us angry. Lol

  49. Abi Abideks

    February 4, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    Loved this…..it’s like watching a replay in my house( could not stop laughing )

  50. arc. Boljfest

    February 4, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    wao…honestly, women are subtle and it take a tolerant man to deal with them.good work tolu.

  51. Succeschild

    February 4, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    wow!! tolu of the widely accepted “my father walks like a crab” is at it again. You write wonderfully bro. I just remembered pace setters novels back then…pls write more and post me…..we love to read from award winning folks like you…

  52. Deborah

    February 4, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Nice write-up. I have a question for the admin, please how do I send a write-up on love and valentine across for publication here on Bella-naija? Looking forward to your response.

  53. stefat

    February 4, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    Hehehe. . . I feel like marrying right away 😀 . Nice write up

  54. TEE

    February 4, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    Hehehehe, Tolu beautiful write up as always… Shola Shola Shola… how many times did i call you. Face your work o!!!!! Tolu made you think bad with his last sentence abi.. lol

  55. Wande Orekoya

    February 4, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Good one, Tolu.. Nice write up. So proud of you!.

  56. Justin

    February 4, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    Fantastic work Boss Tolu! you Aced this one.

  57. not perfectly perfect

    February 5, 2014 at 3:26 am

    kikikiki buahhhhahhhhahhh…..ladies nd money tho #smh…na so crase dey start

  58. Folarin Kolawole

    February 5, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    Awww…nice storyyyy…you keep getting better at it Tolu.

  59. Sophia

    February 5, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    [email protected] some of his penis. He got more than one???????lllooooooooolllllll.this is my first laugh today.thank you for it.

  60. frances

    February 5, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    lmao…don’t play with money o,its serious business. loved this..

    http://imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

  61. Breanna

    February 6, 2014 at 12:10 am

    This is so cute!! Awwwww lol

  62. Geelo

    February 6, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Hmmm, how lovely and romantic.
    attaboy!!

  63. swankie

    February 10, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    totally made me laff

  64. lola

    February 10, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Good right up, but the wife came off as a totally self absorbed selfish b****, I guess the one week muteness was the deal breaker, great write up you caught the attention your audience

  65. isima richards

    February 16, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    nice write up! but if this is for real, i would advice the guy to pray for his wife. she needs help

  66. Debbie

    February 20, 2014 at 7:29 am

    i laughed through it..he is a beautiful writer and poet.

  67. tosinfied.wordpress.com

    March 5, 2014 at 12:06 am

    Like someone said “malice is such a hardwork, really”…. money made her talk…lol
    Interesting read.

  68. C.I.A Babe

    April 13, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    Beautiful story…
    Couldn’t stop laughing.

  69. Akin Oladosu

    September 20, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    This is perfect write up from you Tolu . Truly u got perfect and accurate discription of woman when it comes to money matter …keep it up Man! Proud to associate wit you.

  70. namesake

    October 2, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    Tolu, I am so proud of you. You have always been brilliant. i love your poetry too.

  71. Debby

    October 16, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    LOL! Totally beautiful write up.

  72. Aisha Adelore williams

    October 18, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Very have Ans funny story.

  73. Aisha Adelore williams

    October 18, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Very nice and funny story

  74. Laolu

    June 23, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    For my Bae just insert chocolate where you have money in this story, the silent treatment irritates the hell out of me.. Why are women like this?

  75. Adeola

    October 9, 2015 at 10:33 am

    Amazing!!

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