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Fountain of Life with Taiwo Odukoya: Absentee Fathers, Single Mothers & the Dilemma of a Society

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Ernest Hemingway once told the story of a father and son who had become estranged. The son ran away, and the father set off to find him. He searched for months to no avail. Finally, in a last desperate effort to find him, the father put an ad in a newspaper. The ad read: “Dear Paco, meet me in front of this newspaper office at noon on Saturday. All is forgiven. I love you. Your Father.” On Saturday, 800 Pacos showed up, looking for forgiveness and love from their fathers.

We all agree that our country is facing serious crises. Unknown to many, however, the problems we see at the local, state and national levels have their roots in the home. And one of the problems in most homes is the increasing absence of fathers. In a lot of those homes, the children are yearning for their fathers – to lead, guide, and provide the support they need to be useful adults and citizens in the future. Sadly, the fathers are nowhere to be found.
The question is: Where are the fathers?
Some homes do not have a father because the man is out there in search of the Golden Fleece and so does not have time for his children. Some are without a father because the man has irresponsibly taken a walk and has refused to look back. Some are without fathers as a result of premature and needless deaths arising from the incessant wars and violence ravaging our continent. In some cases, there is no father because the woman thinks she does not need a man in her life. Yet, if the truth were told, we would all realise that homes need fathers now more than ever before.

Fathers have a powerful and positive impact on the development and health of children. There are tons of research reports that prove that children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, confident enough to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections with peers. These children also are less likely to get into trouble at home, school, or in the neighbourhood. A survey carried out in one developing country showed that 67 percent of respondents had their fathers present while growing up. Of this percentage, 82 percent said it made a positive difference on who they are today.

Unfortunately, the number of homes where there are no fathers is on the increase in practically every group or community. In Africa, children without a father’s love and nurture are said to be in excess of 60 percent. (Political wars and divorces account for a large chunk.) Though statistics are not readily available on the situation in Nigeria, the vast majority of children are said to be raised under pressure in traditional homes where the father has abdicated his role or in different formations of non-traditional homes without a responsible male head of household. This, more often than not, has a negative impact on the children.

It therefore becomes very important that every father should stop and think of the consequences of not being there for his children. As fathers, we need to take up the mantle and be that tower of support our children need. We need to sort out issues with our partners and establish a relationship with our children in which we are the disciplinarian and the caregiver, not just financially but physically and emotionally. We need to show our sons how to be a man and show our daughters what kind of man they should be with when they grow up. We need to occupy the esteemed position God has ordained for us. We need to help to mould the future leaders of this country. Children may get mentoring elsewhere, but it is not the same as having their own father to look up to.

Childhood memories often linger, and it is our responsibility, as fathers, to make those memories worth having.

For Women Who Go it Alone
Now, you will agree with me that being a single mother is not easy. Raising a family alone requires that the woman perform the roles of two people: that of the father and the mother. Even where she has the financial muscles to be the provider, without a father in the home, she will necessarily have to combine that with the roles of a disciplinarian, comforter, guidance counsellor and many more. And naturally, even at her best, she will feel overwhelmed by the challenges and stress that come with the part.

One single mother said to me: “…though I feel I’m stretching to fill two roles at once (I’m trying, at least), I know, and my six-year-old son knows, that it is not the same as having a man in the house. There is a certain type of energy that’s missing. Yet there are also moments when I sit down and cry, without knowing why or for whom.”

If you are bringing up a child alone, it is important that you do all you can to ensure the child knows his/her father and that the father has access to him/her and is involved in his/her upbringing. But where he cannot be trusted to be a good influence on the child, you need to deliberately let the male members of your own family be involved in their upbringing and be the father your children do not have. These could be your own father, uncles, brothers or other male members of the extended family with good character. They can drop in from time to time to provide necessary encouragement and discipline.
You may also want to look for good male role models for your children, outside your own family. These could be teachers in school, neighbours, pastors or elders in church, and exemplary leaders generally.

A time there was when raising children without fathers was the responsibility of the whole community, but a lot has changed with modern development. You therefore need to deliberately and prayerfully select those who you would want your children’s lives to be modeled after and establish a relationship between the child and the desired models. Please ensure that such a person is not one who would want to take advantage of you or your children.

For your well-being and that of your children, I advise that you seek help as often as you need it. Fortunately, some churches now have single parents’ fellowships through which they provide support and meet the needs of people in this group. However, if your church does not have any, look for one where you will fellowship constantly, without necessarily leaving your church.

For single parents who want to marry or remarry, please be sure that your new husband understands your situation perfectly well and is ready to be a father to your children. There have been situations where the step-fathers have been anything but fathers, and this has greatly affected the psyche and well-being of the children. You definitely do not want this to be the case of your children.

For the married, it is very important that you do all you can to ensure the peace and stability of your home. Do not give any opportunity for strife and bitterness that often lead to separations and divorces. Keep the peace as long as it depends on you. That means you will not be quick to ask for a divorce or throw out your wife or husband if there is the remotest possibility of the issue(s) being resolved amicably.

God keep your home.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Taiwo Odukoya is the senior pastor of The Fountain of Life Church. He is an avid believer in the role of the Church in the social and economic life of the nation. He is the host of The Discovery for Men, The Discovery for Women, The Woman Leader, and Ruth and Boaz, quarterly meetings that reach out to thousands of men and women from all works of life and denominations. He lives in Lagos with his wife, Nomthi, and children. He can be reached at [email protected]

Taiwo Odukoya is the senior pastor of The Fountain of Life Church. He is an avid believer in the role of the Church in the social and economic life of the nation. He is the host of The Discovery for Men, The Discovery for Women, The Woman Leader, and Ruth and Boaz, quarterly meetings that reach out to thousands of men and women from all works of life and denominations. He lives in Lagos with his wife, Nomthi, and children. He can be reached at [email protected]

72 Comments

  1. ada

    May 21, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    Good write up i must say. I am a single mother of a four year old boy and must admit it is not an easy task. I must add that where the father absconds from his responsibility, it is not easy for another male to step into that role. People in our society make you feel like a failure including the men who try to take advantage of you. The women are worse, they raise their noses at you saying ‘how could you allow yourself get pregnant’ as if they are holy themselves!.
    I have learnt to trust God and hold my head high. God has been faithful and most of all, when you see married couples trusting God for children, then you will realise that what you have is a blessing and not a burden.

    • Tia

      May 21, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      Listen to urself. Dont u know about contraceptives and condoms? Gone ate the days when u try to hook a man down by getting pregnant, now it is ur burden! Why wont society frown at u with disdain and disgust cus u stupidly got into it. Girls be popping babies like popcorn.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      May 21, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      But… she hasn’t told her story fully yet. She didn’t clarify how she got pregnant – whether she was in a relationship, previously married, raped… nothing was said before you popped off.

      What is wrong with you?

    • BabyDee

      May 21, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      Tia, you are a complete fool, and that’s putting it quite mildly. Not only are you a fool, you are an example of what she stated – about women being worse.
      Do you know her story? Do you know how she became pregnant? Do you know for sure that she tried to tie a man down by getting pregnant like you stated? How is any of it your business?
      By God, may you find yourself a single parent in Jesus Name!

      -BabyDee

    • FERAN

      May 21, 2014 at 2:35 pm

      Goodness!!! Why are people always so angry and quick to hate?? She got pregnant does not mean that you should look at her with disgust. Children no matter what are a beautiful blessing from God. U need to get rid of all that venom in you and mind your business.

    • iyke

      May 21, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      @ Tia, you don’t KNOW HER – Don’t judge her! And don’t talk about her until you’ve talked to her.
      Everyone has a heavy load to carry in life. Don’t be someone who goes around adding to a person’s real problems by pointing out their inconsequential ones. There is a place for honesty among friends. But that place is not the comments section of a widely-read blog.

    • neroline

      May 21, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT? WHAT IN HEAVEN’S NAME? PLEASE STOP THIS ALREADY ABEG.

    • Idak

      May 21, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      Come on!! That is way too harsh. What of the irresponsible man who slept with her without protection?
      I am a fervent believer in protection in any relationship outside marriage,irrespective of how long you have dated but I still think you are being way too harsh on this lady.

    • BabyDee

      May 21, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      BN,

      How on earth do you think it’s justifiable to post Tia’s tactless comment and think to withhold someone else’s response to her? Post my response to her abeg!!

      -BabyDee

    • ekalor

      May 21, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      What do you know about life… please take several seats because from your response, we can all tell that you are so immature.. it hurts

    • Happy Child

      May 21, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      I’m not this blunt…….. and no apology, Tia you are just st**id, do you know the full story before you concluded. Abeg park one corner. FYI contraceptives and condoms FAIL. Next time before you reply utilize your brain and hands. I’m just too upset. Judging scamp mschewwwww.

    • Tiki

      May 22, 2014 at 9:12 am

      See this raving holier-than-thou i****. One day you will remember your foolishness and you will beg for forgiveness.

      This is how people carry curses and transmit to their descendants because they have no control over their mouths.

    • Timmy T

      May 22, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      u re stupid for that comment Tia people like you have more dirt in their closet!

    • Arin

      May 22, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      Tai!! I think your brain needs total reconstruction for making this comment . Total!!!

    • Arin

      May 22, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      And to even think BN posted her ridiculous comment, I can’t begin to state the number of my reasonable response to articles , but nooo BN will not post them.

    • Lois

      June 19, 2014 at 4:49 pm

      It is you who should listen to yourself. You have stepped into the shoes of God to be a judge of a fellow human beign who is sincere and a better achiever than yourself. At least she manages , family and life. What do you manage. I’m sure nothing. Do you know the circumsta nce she got pregnant in? Scan yoour life and family, then come back here with ‘the perfect story’. In many other climes, without the spiritual perspective attached to it; Jesus would be termed’the illegitimate child’, born out of wedlock. So, what do you have to say? @Ada. I am a woman, a married one at that who appreciate single women, their strength and effort they put to bringing children up single-handedly. I pray for them and the loneliness and challenges they face. Your standard is God and not the ‘raising of noses of men/women’ like Tia. God is your strength, and will give you grace and fortune in life to be happy again and make you/(future spouse)and children ab epitome of his splendour.

    • Idak

      May 21, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      Hold you head up, Ada!
      …………….So he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it. Marred clay is no determinant of the pottery this potter produces.
      Let them say what they want to say. The present is given birth to a glorious future. You and your son will end well.
      This is my earnest prayer and thought for you.

  2. ade

    May 21, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    DADDY ISSUES

  3. iyke

    May 21, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    ‘God keep your home’. I love that!
    Being an absentee father SCARES me like hell!
    My opinion …. Honestly, I do not wish to either disparage single mothers or blame absentee fathers for this state of affairs in our society. But we all know that a lot of social problems we experience in our society today has to do with the effects of, or correlate more strongly with fatherlessness. In my opinion, father absence may well be the most critical social issue we are experiencing in our time and ignoring it is to our own peril.
    The author has listed out very important social implications of this anomaly and am sure it’s so obvious for all to see.Hence, am not going to over flog it.
    Much as there is certainly no magic wand or step by step approach to successfully raise a stable home, I am sure that we can all believe in one thing; and that is, as people, we all want to feel that when we leave this life, that someone will benefit from a legacy we’ve created filled with fond thoughts and memories. And that no matter what, that family should become that unit of love and belonging, despite any current of external distractions.
    My suggestion ……, over the years, there has been increase in females taking over the role of bread winners in relationships/marriages and becoming very assertive. This has no doubt shaken the true foundation of the marriage institution. I would honestly never suggest squashing your alpha qualities, career aspirations,assertiveness and status, to meet outdated notions of femininity. Instead, BE WISE and let your “observing ego” come into play; stand back, watch yourself and evaluate your own behavior. When you become more self-observant,(qualities that reflect maturity and focus) you can choose a different tone and communication style in dealing with the man in your life, if indeed relationship/marriage is your goal. And by doing so, you aren’t being untrue to yourself. You NEED to develop an ear for your tone of voice and the words you choose. We as men need to also tune our radar in to your reactions: just as YOU don’t like it when WE are controlling, and WE get defensive when YOU are pushing too hard.
    I think it’s time for all Alphas (ladies/men) and Betas(ladies/men) to permit themselves an exuberant expression of their personalities without conforming to constricting social norms of “feminine” behavior which will no doubt help the two parties to build a stable home. Trust me, our kids will love us for that.
    May God help us to understand ourselves to be able to choose right and be able to build a legacy that we would be very proud of even in the after life.

    • lace

      May 21, 2014 at 3:29 pm

      I like how this topic displayed your true misogynistic self regardless of how much you try to hide it. what of the fathers that leave because they don’t have sons? what will you tell the lady i know who now has to raise 4 brilliant girls on her own? that she should have let the man regain his rightful place in the family? that she should nudge his ego so he doesn’t leave his own flesh and blood?. what of the men who don’t assume responsibility when a child is produced out of a sexual encounter? what of men who leave for younger or other women? what will you say to that woman? please tell me iyke i want to know. instead of educating men and women on the importance of their participation in a child’s life you’re her telling women to ‘be wise’ as if being wise will stop a man from leaving if he wants to. crap!!!

    • iyke

      May 21, 2014 at 6:09 pm

      @lace –
      Did you really read what I wrote?
      You called me a Misogynist?Wow,….biko my sister, do you know me or are you just throwing words around? You also called my suggestion ‘CRAP’? That’s disrespectful you know!
      You could have countered my views soundly without resorting to insults! How happy are you now wrapped in your garnered pride? Your words really leave you tart and unattractive.
      Hmmm,better to exhale before I vent at your postured pretense.

    • lace

      May 21, 2014 at 10:38 pm

      @ i do not know you but i always see your comments on topics such as this and as you can attest, your favorite phrase to use is ‘be wise’. i did not insult you, your comment was crap because it has nothing to do with the points raised in the article. finally, i do not care if i seem unattractive to someone who always finds a way to blame females by telling them to ‘be wise’ even if it has nothing to do with the case in point.

  4. mercy

    May 21, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Kudos to all the single mothers out there. My mum raised the 4 of us alone having lost my dad at the tender age of 11 months , which means that I barely knew him. Now that I am married and have my own child, I realise what a tough job my mum did and still continues to do. This is article is so realistic and describes several aspects of the modern society as it is today. Pls does anyone know where or how I can fellowship with this church…….

    • BabyDee

      May 21, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      Much hugs and salute to your mum.

      -BabyDee

    • Kenneth

      May 21, 2014 at 2:37 pm

      I believe Pastor Taiwo heads The Fountain of Life Church. It’s on 12, Industrial Estate Road, by PZ Industries, Ilupeju, Lagos.

  5. Gistyinka Blog

    May 21, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    More grace and wisdom to your elbow daddy odukoya. Father is good in every home because fathers build home while mothers make home.

  6. Ayo

    May 21, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    The role of a father in a childs life is very pertinent! All these yeye women wey go dey born up and down like fowl.

    • Idak

      May 21, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      What of the men wey dey sleep with women up and down without condoms?

    • Ayo

      May 21, 2014 at 4:12 pm

      A man can spill and unspill! Women should learn to use their brain not the triangular circle between their legs

    • Bleed Blue

      May 22, 2014 at 8:54 am

      @Ayo You are the subject of this article. Yes YOU.

      Go to a quiet corner and read it again and properly digest it this time. The societal problem starts with growing up with a certain mentality and that, unfortunately is the type of mentality you exhibit here.
      “Men can spill and unspill”. What a sad, sad statement.
      May God grant you wisdom.

    • ekalor

      May 21, 2014 at 4:34 pm

      it is obvious, you have no regards for your mother , sister, niece , I could go on.. your statement says it all

    • N

      May 22, 2014 at 10:03 am

      Come on shut the f**k up! you fowl!!! Come back when you have some sense. Immature children be coming here talking nonsense.

  7. wunmi

    May 21, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    This is so true. The problem we are facing today as a country is a result of serious breakdown in the family unit. There’s a proverb that if every one sweeps his frontage the whole street would become clean; we must begin to sweep our homes so that the entire nation can feel the impact of clean homes. Also I know that it is the responsibility of parents to be available and train their children but I also believe that we all must come together to collectively train these children. Parents alone cant do it. We can not walk away and condone bad behaviors by our youth. We should call them to order whether they are our relatives or not. it was that way in the past; The presence of elders in the market place ensured the baby’s head stayed in place on his mother’s back; we shouldn’t stop putting our youth’s heads right. They may listen or may not but we must speak up. Lets form groups in our communities; where we live, work & worship. Let us look out for each other.We must purge Nigeria of the plague investing our lands. It is the only way to save our tomorrow.

    • ada

      May 21, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      very true. everyone making a positive impact everywhere they go would go a looooong way

  8. Sigh!

    May 21, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    May God continue to bless you.

    My dad walked away when i was 6 months in my mum’s womb (cos he didn’t want another girl and he already had a woman outside) and never looked back. He left my mum to take care of 3 children (2 elder sisters). I went to look for him about 4yrs ago and i realized he wasn’t apologetic in any way, he kept on saying “ehn i had my reasons, your mother poisoned your mind against me abi”. Coming from a man i went out of my way to look for. He didn’t even know my age! I made up my mind there and then never to get in touch with him.

    I got married last year and my mum’s uncle walked me down the aisle. It was the best moment of my life. I hate my dad (i find it odd saying dad), i don’t even like thinking about him. Sometimes i feel I’ve forgiven him but i know deep down inside of me, i haven’t.

    I honestly feel i need to see a shrink or something about his case. Gosh! Why did i read this article?

    • HoneyDame

      May 21, 2014 at 2:52 pm

      He seriously said that?! Well done on going to seek him yourself. At least, you know for sure what he’s like…and it isnt based on hearsay.
      May God heal your heart. Amen

    • Idak

      May 21, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      Try and seek help. A shrink or a Christian psychologist (if it is within your faith).
      Unforgiveness imprisons the bearer.

    • ada

      May 21, 2014 at 3:16 pm

      My dear, you do not need a shrink. It is not an easy process but ask God to give you the grace to forgive your father.

    • zero to Hero

      May 21, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      Daddy issues! Don’t we all have them?! My dear Sigh, I feel you. But want to encourage you that you too can overcome the emotional turmoil that comes with being abandoned and unloved by a father.

      My own father abandoned me for seven years. Infact I was abandoned even before I was born, he denied responsibility of my mum’s pregnancy. When he finally met me at seven years, he proceeded to abuse me sexually for many years. My desperation for a dad made me quiet.
      My step-dad abused my mother physically and finally threw her out of the house with two kids. All the men I knew were horrible!

      You can imagine what that made me. I remember my husband complaining after our marriage that i was punishing him for the crimes of my father-figures! That was the wake-up call I needed, especially when I became a mother of boys.

      I encourage you to make peace with your past otherwise you will destroy your beautiful future with your own hands. The reason abuse victims tend to abuse others is just because of that. See a shrink if you can but also know that God hates the injustice you faced. HE can mend your broken pieces and give you beauty for ashes. Joyce Meyer also suffered incest, her story and messages transformed my life. Just Google her or search for her Youtube.

      You can be well again. God loves you passionately and will restore all the years of fallow and abandonment. God bless you Sigh and all others hurting from rejection and abuse.

    • Bleed Blue

      May 22, 2014 at 9:05 am

      @zero to Hero Your story broke my heart. I actually gasped at my desk and everyone was asking what’s the matter.

      I don’t even know what to say. Those of us who’ve faced abuse deal with so much suppression. How do people live with themselves when they know they’re doing these things to poor defenceless children?

      God bless you for your outlook on the whole thing. You have taught me something today and I will hold onto it for the rest of my days. E-hugs dear.

    • Ngobeke

      May 23, 2014 at 2:12 pm

      Jesus is Lord! I dunno if I should cry or be angry…..kai! The Lord give you strength and heal you completely and may all those who have sinned against you and God be forgiven.

    • iyke

      May 21, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      I feel your pains. I can’t relate the emotional turmoil you must have been through, but I hv an understanding of the psychological effects of an absentee father in the lives of his kids. Don’t hate him …that widens the pains. I am sure no father sets out to abdicate his responsibilities.
      Let your PEACE be restored. If you falter in the course of this, Rise!His actions don’t equal your worth and capability and as such don’t define you as a person. Live your life and don’t let this situation affect your kids and relationship with your husband.
      Jisie ike!

    • slice

      May 21, 2014 at 3:45 pm

      this is why we need child support in Nigeria. All this walking away tins. you may walk away from the home but you should still be held financially responsible. for what it’s worth, you can actually sue in Naija courts to get child support. you may not like the way people look at you when you do that but there’s no reason to let the guy just walk away without paying

    • yemmy

      May 26, 2014 at 7:03 pm

      God bless you for that @walk away thins…they need to pay for something.imajine the nerve of this men.the single mum is forced to raise the child alone for so many years and then the man walks right back in and expects to be forgiven automatically…they must be held accountable for something.

    • Samurai

      May 22, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      After reading your piece, I was infuriated at your father’s reaction,but take heart…one day he will come seeking forgiveness,they always come. And only then, will you know the type of person you are.

  9. Idak

    May 21, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Hold you head up, Ada!
    …………….So he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it. Marred clay is no determinant of the pottery this potter produces.
    Let them say what they want to say. The present is given birth to a glorious future. You and your son will end well.
    This is my earnest prayer and thought for you.

  10. Olufunke

    May 21, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    God bless you sir for sharing this beautiful piece…I’m being raised by a single mother and I can say it over and over again that it is one of d most difficult things to do on earth…

  11. neroline

    May 21, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT? WHAT IN HEAVEN’S NAME? PLEASE STOP THIS ALREADY ABEG.

  12. ada

    May 21, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Thank you Tia for the insult. I never mentioned anything about trying to use pregnancy to hook a guy and just like mz socially awkward said you do not know the whole story. This is the judgmental attitude i mentioned in my comment. The essence of my comment is that God is the care giver to single parents. I also referred to children of single parents as blessings not burdens! Please read my comment again.

    • slice

      May 21, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      Pls don’t let a silly person like that mess up your day. some people just take it upon themselves to say silly things. May God continue to strengthen as you raise your child

    • Amanda

      May 21, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      God bless you ada…I’m a single mum to a 3 year old boy and i’m tired but i’m also doro grateful. God would see us through.

    • ada

      May 21, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      you do not need to explain yourself to her. its your life! you didnt abort your beautiful son like some of them with big mouths do and as you keep raising him well, the heavens will be your backbone!

    • Adea

      May 21, 2014 at 4:07 pm

      @ Ada,We deal with people like Tia everyday people who just assume the worst of you cos you are single mum

      @ Tia, I am single mum today because I was silly enough not to use protection during sex, too scared to have an abortion when I confirmed that I was pregnant, and also because I chose not to trap my son’s father into a marriage both of us didn’t want.

    • Ebere

      May 21, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      Ok tell us the story. R u sure u didnt snatch him? Mayb a married man, now u come here soliciting for pity. Ta

    • Changing Faces

      May 21, 2014 at 6:36 pm

      All these women with cheating husbands out in full force, pouring their venom on other women. Sad sad people. Eberechukwu, face your husband. It’s not Adas fault, inugo…

    • Dee

      May 21, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      May God forgive you and deliver you from tribalism.

    • Stephanie-feld

      May 21, 2014 at 5:55 pm

      You can’t help but display your tribalistic and misogynist nature. Please do us all a favor and crawl back to the pit latrine you came from.

  13. charming

    May 21, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Ada baby, You have time oo..Answering someone with that kind of na “Tia”. She just they tear mouth up and down. God would bless you with all you need to carter to your child as you are so wise to recognize that God is your source.

  14. ada

    May 21, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Great write up sir! I watched TD Jakes sermon on He-motions and he also pointed out the same thing happening in the US. May God help us in restoring the essence of marriage, family and parenthood.

  15. sum1special

    May 21, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    This is such an emotional article for me. Most times we praise mothers so much and forget the impact of fathers in our lives. I wasn’t privileged to have my father with me for too long as my dad passed on when i was 13. No day passes by that i dont wish i had that father figure to prune me through life. My mom did a great job but my dad was needed also. I look forward to having that father figure in my husband and hope i have it.

  16. neon

    May 21, 2014 at 6:38 pm

    even worse if you are abandoned by both mother and father.. one day i will tell my story… at 32 forgiveness is still far off..

  17. LG

    May 21, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    like seriously TIA????? what on earth were u thinking while typing that rubbish. Do not judge situations u know nothing about. Protection is no guarantee “over know”. Take several benches n occupy ur hateful self.

  18. Mary

    May 21, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    wow, some people can be so spiteful and shallow. Even as a married woman I desist from judging single mums. Life is not always the same for everyone. There are men out who exploit the women in their lives and actually destroy them instead of protecting them. Several women face abuse everyday, some even get killed in the process by the same man who is supposed to love them . Besides if relationships or marriage was a piece of cake why are you still single. sighhh ! may God bless us all and grant us all our heart desires….

    • Jinmiolu

      May 21, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      You will not blame single mums but you have a stereotype mind that men are responsible for every wrong. If its right the lady made it work if its wrong it the man’s fault when will everyone regardless of gender start been responsible for there actions and stop creating excuses. 1814 women claim they have no right, 1914 women started fighting for rights, this is 2014 you just said women are right in everything—I guess blaming someone for an action you have a fault in makes you feel good. I guess you are the shallow one here .

  19. Life!

    May 21, 2014 at 11:26 pm

    Beautiful piece Pastor Taiwo.
    For the Tias, Eberes and Ayos of this world. It is easy for you to judge and I pray you do not find yourself in such a position. I will not insult you because it is obvious you have deep seated issues to deal with. The breakdown in society has part to do with your small mindedness as well.
    Ada, keep your head up. Single mothers and fathers out there, please turn your eyes and heart from the judgmental Judes and Julias. It is usually due to a deep seated insecurity. I am a married single mother…let that percolate a little. I know way too many single mothers, and children that were raised by their mothers alone, despite having a “father” or husband in name.
    Mums/Dads, you can raise these children to become wholesome individuals. If you believe in God, seek His help to give your children a sense of wholeness. Will your children turn out for the worse if your husband passes on before they are born? I understand that society looks at you and them differently, do your best to fill that gap. Remind them everyday that they are special and they are not at a disadvantage because their circumstances are different. It is better to be in a functional two parent home, but if that is not the life you have then make do with what you have.

    What we need in society today are stable homes. Too many girls are being raised under mothers who show a lack of self worth. Too many little girls watching their fathers pummel and degrade their mothers. Too many little boys thinking it is alright to treat women like they are 3rd class citizens.

    Also BN comment section facilitator, I am not saying the site should be without controversy but you would seriously post tribalistic comments like Ayo’s?

  20. BN where's my name

    May 22, 2014 at 8:46 am

    Going by all your comments on BN, you are just a closet misogynist and a chauvinist masquerading as a liberal on BN! Abeg take several seats like BN commentators will say. Mcheewww

  21. Sigh!

    May 22, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Thank you very @ Zero to Hero. Thanks a lot. So sorry about your story. And every other person who offered kind words – thanks a lot.

  22. sadbuthopeful

    May 22, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    @ neon, sad as it is, yours is not the worse still.
    picture being abandoned by a father, while still in the womb, to a mother who abused you while you were growing up and was never responsible for you.
    you combine menial work with school from junior secondary school just to give yourself at least some education.
    at different stages in your life, she introduced three different men to you as your biological father. you’ve had three different surnames in life so far.
    recently, she abandons your third “father” and all the children she’s had for him and has moved to a fourth man whom she’s now insisting is your biological father.
    you’re grown now so you reject this and she’s doing everything, both physical and spiritual to thwart your moves in life so you can come and live with this your fourth magical “real” father.
    she actually calls and has even once threatened to frame you if you refuse to accept this fourth father (and she’s doing all these because she says a spiritualist has told her you will become someone great in life and she wants to be the one in control when this greatness (money) comes)! At age 22, you have nowhere to call home cos the third father you used to stay with has sent you packing after your mother left (leaving behind a 4year old child).
    at least the other children from the other marriages have their fathers house to stay in. you earn barely enough to sustain yourself in Lagos and as such can’t even speak of accommodation.
    you squat from one friend’s place to another friend’s place and sleep about in churches.
    Some of us don’t celebrate mothers day because we have demons in human flesh as mothers.
    some actually wish they were aborted so life wouldn’t be this bad!
    we all speak about the men. some women are worse off and do worse things than the men can ever do.
    i know this is off topic but just couldn’t help it.
    some women indeed are not worthy of being called mothers!
    sometimes i wonder how the evil venom in my mother’s stomach could let her womb contain children without killing them!
    the few people that know about this have said they have never seen anything like this in life. many a times i wish this is just a bad dream i’ll wake up suddenly from it but unfortunately, this is my reality. a reality that i cry to God daily to change and sad as i am on a daily basis, I’m forever hopeful.

  23. LG

    May 22, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    good one. preach on!

  24. Eni

    May 23, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    I grew up with my mum (single woman – never married). I’m 27 now and I have never seen my dad (not even in a picture). But I turned out okay. There’s a possibility that I would have turned out differently if my dad was around, but who knows? I don’t go around wishing my dad was there for me. I simply thank God everyday for who I am today and I hold my mum in the highest esteem for the good job she did.
    I am not Nigerian which is simply to say in my country single mums are not judged as harshly as they are in Nigeria.
    Personally, I judge no single mum. Truth is two wrongs do not make a right and I applaud single mums for choosing to keep their babies rather than abort them. The fact that a woman had a child out of wedlock does not mean she’s worse than the one next door who sleeps with all the men who say hello to her and/or has committed countless abortions.

  25. yemmy

    May 26, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    Honestly you are a big fool for that judgemental statement.how dare you JUDGE her,do you know HER STORY,have you taken a WALK in her SHOES.i just cant with people like you.
    what if she was divorced,what if she was raped,what if the man woke up and took a walk and left his responsibilty to her(afterall this is africa,where men get away with all kinds of shit ),if she trapped him with pregnancy..was it a holy conception or the man was absent also.
    what right does the society have to condemn her anyways,you keep on giving our men more liberty to act irresponsible.people like you be judging in public but are probably dying from DV in your homes just to ‘save face’ and stay ‘unhappily married’
    Note that the article wasnt even about morality ,it was about ‘RAISING A CHILD RIGHT IN THE ABSENCE OF A FATHER ‘ hence the pointers and positive advice to single mums.
    i dont unsually attack people for their comments because we are all entitled to our opinions,but to mention contraceptives like its fool-proof or to naturally assume that the lady was a woman of poor virtue because she happens to be a single mum shows how narrow-minded you are.
    @ada,children are truly a blessing.keep your head up.unfortunately this ugly trend of more and more men abducting their responsibilty has come to stay *endtime thins*.may the Good lord save us all.

  26. Kcee

    June 18, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    Hmmmm…..So much to take in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To all the single mums out der……The joy of the Lord is ur strength!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My story ended well and am sure urs would too…..Jisike Umu’oma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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