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Aunty Bella: Miss. Bad Sexual Chemistry

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

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Good day,

Please I have a burning question and would need honest opinions from the ladies out there.

My question is this, IS IT OK TO END AN ENGAGEMENT DUE TO BAD SEXUAL CHEMISTRY. ? I can’t picture lack of romance n good sex from a young man for d rest of my life. Everything else is ok. We like best of friends n all but for that part. He just keeps saying he isn’t a sexual guy and can go months without it and really comfy with himself and I’m like d one whose always asking for it. I read about it and found out it’s an issue regarding low libido apparently men do suffer from it.
HELP please.

Regards

Photo Credit: taringa.net

60 Comments

  1. slice

    June 2, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    this one is easy. END IT TODAY….

    • Fashionista

      June 2, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      Lol, Slice!

    • Tikka Masala

      June 2, 2014 at 5:03 pm

      End it. Don’t think twice!

    • nene

      June 2, 2014 at 6:09 pm

      gbam. it will only get worse from this point

  2. sum1special

    June 2, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    Low Libido or he might be Gay..I would say end it.

  3. anonymous

    June 2, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    hahahahahaha..slice you are d bomb with that your answer.i had an ex who could go months without it,thats y he is my ex now,not happening,if u are toasting me and can’t make an effort,when we marry nko,u will make me start eyeing d plumber abi electrician,Olorun o je,end it now my darling sister

    • Idak

      June 3, 2014 at 3:20 am

      if you wan eye plumber and Electrician,you go still eye dem.
      Leave that matter.
      What happens if you man with excessive libido develops a low one barely a decade later due to some stress related ailment?
      These things are not as finely divided as often thought o!
      I am not going to advise her to stay or leave but you have to look at such matters holistically. Low libido is not ED. It can always be addressed. It will not become high but can be brought up to a satisfying level. Men and women have been known to achieve sexual revolution in mid life. SO who knows?
      I know it sounds like I am advocating that she leaves it to chance. I am not. Truth is life itself comes with a lot of uncertainties. If the man is willing to seek help and willing to please you,he will make an effort to satisfy you.
      Make she no go leave low libido go enter blank shooter and if she is the type that pregnancy is a big deal,we go begin read another Agony Aunt article again.

    • EMMA

      June 4, 2014 at 8:59 am

      Gbam******
      Thanks Idak!

  4. Jade

    June 2, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Lol Slice, doesn’t it have any treatment?

    • slice

      June 2, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      the short answer is no. reason: because she says he said he is comfy with himself. He’s not asking to become more sexual. he has told her as directly as anyone can tell someone something that it’s just not his thing. he’s not interested. interest is something only he can change. unless in the case he’s interested in seeing a professional to determine whether the lack of interest is driven by a physiological issue. if that’s the case, then maybe there’s something to work with there

      bad sex is a different issue from no interest. if she said he doesn’t know how to “dO” :), now that we can discuss

  5. Non professional opinion

    June 2, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    You will be sexually unequally yoked. Bad idea, and in this day an age you have to be careful your not getting married to a closeted homosexual. There are many woman out there who hate sex. Throw this fish back for one of them to catch.

    • ba

      June 2, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      Haha! throw the fish back into the river for its like-bodied owner

  6. Vee

    June 2, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Friend – Yes
    Husband – MBA
    Simples…

  7. memebaby

    June 2, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    you should end it. you may end up cheating on him or you guys relationship will suffer. life is too short to have a guy starve you 😉

  8. Eaglebabe

    June 2, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Hmmmmmmm na huge trouble be that my sister. If you know yourself very well and you know that you cannot condone this from him then advice yourself

  9. Fashionista

    June 2, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Hmmnnn, this I am experiencing first hand, although I am the one who has the low libido. I can definitely go without sex for a few months, however, I would be lying if I say It isn’t telling on my hubby and the sexual aspect of our marriage. I guess it is something we just didn’t pay enough attention to during the dating phase. What is more apparent to me is that with one or two boyfriends in the past, I was a bit more active sexually, so I guess the issue may be sexual incompatibility for us or maybe something changed.

    Since you have identified it early, well at least before walking down the aisle, maybe think about it critically and make a decision that is right for you, because simple fact is you will be dissatisfied sexually in your marriage and it may lead you to look for that satisfaction elsewhere. Good luck!

    • slice

      June 2, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      your perspective is real and true and i think very helpful.

      but that doesn’t free you though. i say sister girl spread em legs and just do it like NIke. 🙂

    • Fashionista

      June 2, 2014 at 8:59 pm

      Ewo oh! Slice haf kee me!!! Lmaoooo! I like you jor.

  10. some hater

    June 2, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    End it pls. who knows if he’s a homosexual and he’s just using you as a cover up. For someone like me im kinda shy and expect the guy to always make d first move, if i date this your bobo na childless marriage be that o. abeg pack ya bags waka comot.

  11. Adey

    June 2, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Babe if u have a problem with it, you have a problem with it! End it. He can still be your best friend but he ain’t your lover

  12. lisa

    June 2, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    hi . well its easy for me to say End it as your happiness matters the most. if my man wasn’t good sexually or doesn’t have the same sex drive as me , then we have a problem , am defiantly bound to cheat.

    but the question is
    1. what are the odds, what are the treatment options out there for you to explore.
    yes there are treatments for it but the biggest of them is he’s mind and you or any woman with a good sex drive.

    2. have you spoken to him about it? does he have any idea there is a problem? when you have sex is he too careful or afraid to touch you? do u try other positions when you have sex? does he make sure you cum or when he cums he just gets up and he’s done? when you have sex is he the one who initiates the sex? when you have sex does he do only the doggy? how many women has he slept with? does he call you he’s best friend or partner ? ……

    if he’s only a doggy person ,doesn’t initiate the sex or doesn’t get aroused often when your are naked in front of him and calls you he’s best friend or partner …. my dear he might just be gay or bi.

    but if its all of the above , he might not be sexually attracted to you or have an addiction to masturbation the least of all is he’s scared of hurting you (yes sex for us women comes with a lot of pain sometimes and most times the pain is enjoyable) . and the only one here with a treatment is masturbation.

    but most of all, before you make a decision, you have to talk to him and request he seeks help.

    • Teealolo

      June 4, 2014 at 9:49 am

      Nice Suggestions

  13. Errrr

    June 2, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    I have a different opinion o. I used to be worried about size when I was engaged cos we dint get physical and I was like, after waitinggggggggg I hope our intimacy wont be dull and non-existent. Anyway, so I asked myself how long we will realistically spend being intimate. Except you are a nymphomaniac, once you get that license to ‘practice’ you will get tired honestly. Being friends is more important than having butterflies and sexual tension. Those things fade, there’ll always be guys that ring your bells better and get your juices flowing but what keeps you faithful and gets you through moments when you guys cant be intimate is your friendship.

    You know him better than anyone else and you are supposedly best friends, if he gives off gay vibes? leave. but if not, I hope you don’t want to end up with someone whose libido is so high that staying faithful is a problem. Cos trust me, women are so emotional about intimacy that stress drives down libido and with work, raising children, keeping a home, all these things you are talking about will mellow. Plus, read up about it, while women gradually wind down sexually especially as they are approaching menopause, men get more active. At some point your libido will balance each other out and you will both be compatible. Don’t lose the opportunity to be with your best friend because of chemistry that eventually evolves and wanes.

    PS- Right now, my supposed low chemistry/interest/intimate relationship with my husband during courtship has blossomed into a very active and interesting intimate life. We’ve tried out everything and more and I’m like… is this the guy I thought we’ll just be holding hands and praying everyday?

    • randommer

      June 2, 2014 at 4:17 pm

      um she has already been physical with the guy and its not working.
      anyway we are all here to give advice, but anyone saying how long will you spend being intimate and all these fade with time, while she herself lucked out and is enjoying the do with her hubby – sha take their advice with a grain of salt. Sex is a very important part of a relationship so release him for someone with low libido.

    • slice

      June 2, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      i agree 100%. i understand errr’s point but in this case, the babe don try the man and she already knows the answer to the question you were wondering about. dude has said he’s not interested. in cases like this sometimes the girl thinks once i show my skills ehn, he’ll be back for more. well, she has and he still didn’t rush back. free the dude abeg

    • ba

      June 2, 2014 at 8:58 pm

      awwww, thanks for sharing. This is something you should consider, miss.

  14. themrs

    June 2, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    “Couples need not feel they have to have sex a certain number of times a week to have a good sex life. “It’s really about compatibility,” Weston says. She recalls a pair of married scientists who came to see her about the frequency of sex in their marriage because they were afraid they were freaks.”

    “They came in saying, ‘We have sex twice a year, once on Christmas and once on his birthday. Is there something wrong with us?’ We went through it all and found they didn’t really want to change. They were coming in out of cultural pressure. Their true joy lay in doing what they were doing together in the lab. They liked each other; they didn’t fight. Sex was not a high priority for either of them. They were real cerebral types. I think we met twice and then I sent them home. I said, ‘I’m not going to make you guys broken; I think you fit very well together.’’ culled from webmd.com/men/features/revving-up-low-libido

    I think it is about compatibility, my husband and I, when we are together are fine with maybe once twice a week and can go as much as 4 months without cos of our current living situation. Personally i am not so much of a sexual person and can go as long as i want without it, i blame that on my circumcision though and wish i can feel what regular people feel.

  15. www.eniwealth79.blogspot.com

    June 2, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    l

  16. www.eniwealth79.blogspot.com

    June 2, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    lwkmd! I saw Slice’ comment and I went blank.

    • slice

      June 2, 2014 at 4:40 pm

      lol

  17. reverse

    June 2, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    Listen to the naysayers and throw a good relationship away because of sex, but don’t come back asking for new advise when the next bloke cheats. What if you found out after marriage ? I dated my husband for a couple of years before marriage and our sex life was great. Truth is it’s no longer the same, he’s not as sex crazy as he used to be. I did get frustrated for a bit, but when we talked, he told me he has much more responsibilities and pressure, sex isn’t priority! Some will start shouting that he’s cheating, but he’s not. I love him with all my being and we’re bests buddies. I’m happy the way things are, we understand each other, and when we do get down to business, its well worth it. Always remember, people are different, relationships are different. Do not use others yardstick to destroy a good thing. Some people have great sex lives, others good, others average… It doesn’t make one relationship better than the other. Some have high Libido, some below average, so all men are not always wanting to get some. Stop looking at all those people and their pdas all over social media, sometimes you’d be shocked what’s behind the facade

    • slice

      June 2, 2014 at 6:07 pm

      the key is you are happy but she is not. would you rather she be the one who writes about wanting to end her marriage over sex.

    • randommer

      June 2, 2014 at 6:15 pm

      what are you on about? the letter writer said she is not happy with the situation, she has talked to oga and oga said he’s not a sexual person. If she can’t deal – she should free the guy but who are you or I to tell her its not a deal breaker. There are millions of Naija women who don’t mind cheating husbands as long as they are discreet and wrap it up. Millions more don’t even mind wife # 2, 3, 4…

      It is clear to me that the letter writer feels in her gut this LACK OF ROMANCE and good sex is a deal breaker but she knows a husband that is also a good friend is hard to find. Man its not even a bad sex/good sex thing – the guy says he can do without.

    • reverse

      June 2, 2014 at 11:35 pm

      Madam calm down, you’re even more aggrieved than the writer! I am on about my point of view. Your agreement or otherwise changes nothing. So what are you on about?

    • Idak

      June 3, 2014 at 3:33 am

      You see,wish I saw your post before writing mine above.
      You and I are on the same page up to a point.
      We cannot determine the deal breakers for relationships we are not party to. Do you know that there are women who sole deal beaker is hot steamy sex? Do you know that there are men whose sole deal breaker is a specific career path? Girl fails out of medical school and the man calls off the engagement! There are females who will accept a cheating partner as long as he confessed when confronted. Why do you think Polygamy thrives? It is because some women truly do not mind. Forget all that feminist parade.
      For you a good interpersonal relationship trumps daily rumps in the sack and I share your view but maybe it does not for her.
      I only wish the lady will take a holistic view and no that there ain’t no perfection in any union. However, if she thinks excessive firing is her deal breaker,pls free the guy and let me go find a lady for who it is not a deal breaker. She should remember that today’s Energizer/Duracell battery can be tomorrow’s Tudor battery. These things are not cast in stone.

    • lilphoenixxx

      June 8, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      a thousand likes for this comment @reverse.. I also think sex is very important in marriage n all,but it’s DEFINITELY NOT d bedrock on which marriages should be built… dont throw away a good “100yards cord lace” husband material n companion all because he’s not always on u for sex…he might be the highly principled type that can control his libido and may want to prove to you that he’s not with u for the sex alone…choose wisely dear…

  18. Luxhi

    June 2, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    @reverse, I love ur comment…

  19. ijeuru

    June 2, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Hmmn! I would love to say end it. I’ve been married for 9 years to this man that loves me so much and I love him too. His own libido is story for another day. I’ve never gone two rounds with him. Everything is so mechanical. For these 9 years I’m always the one initiating sex. At a point,I’ll ignore the whole thing and we’ll just stay like that for two to three months. Until I decide to break the fast. And trust me,I’m the hottest mum of three you can find around here. It makes me so bitter. Ordinary kissing is so mechanical not to talk of foreplay. But generally, he’s good to me ànd my kids but this issue has driven me to masturbate even after the so called sex we have. It drives me crazy. The decision is yours to make. If you are sure you can live without good intimacy for the rest of your life,you decide. Or you’re sure you won’t look for it elsewhere. …

    • Nwanne

      June 3, 2014 at 4:29 pm

      There is a 75% chance i might end up like you in a few years…#deep sigh#

  20. ngluv

    June 2, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    aww i get her…maybe you should end it? i dunno..pls help. im in a kinda similar\different situation, dating someone i am not attracted to physically or personality wise.. there is no spark in conversation, nothing interesting or stimulating, and i am not attracted to him physically at all…. i’m thinking how can i even kiss or get down with him.. but he is very nice,caring and a gentleman.. dunno what to do.. clock is ticking oo… am i settling? thankx

    • Fashionista

      June 3, 2014 at 10:09 am

      Yes you are settling. please call it off.

    • Idak

      June 3, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      You alone can answer that question. What we consider deal breakers are different. It is up to you.

    • memebaby

      June 3, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      lol so you are dating him because he is nice, caring and a gentleman ? any one can be nice and caring, does that mean you should date them ? you know the answer already.

    • Idak

      June 3, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      neither do you date everyone you are sexually compatible with. If you are a lover of big ass, you don’t date every lady who has a glorious ass. If you happen to have sex with a person or even a date, you do not stay in the relationship if other points of yours are not meat in the relationship just because of the good sex or do you?

  21. SIR HARVEY DENT

    June 3, 2014 at 11:30 am

    MONTHS?

    HE IS GAY OR HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE….

  22. Shupsy

    June 3, 2014 at 11:45 am

    All women are naturally sexually wired. Their performance in bed depends on the level of simulation they get regularly. Some of dem cud be hypoactive ab initio but dey will normally get to d crescendo of sexual pleasure wen managed by good hands (men dat know the dynamics of an orgasmic sexual relationship). So,depriving women of ds most pleasurable experience cud spell doom n disaster in no distant time(infidelity, sexually transmitted infections,cancers and death arising from pathological jealousy).
    This young man above is exhibiting the symptoms of a psychiatric disorder known as Hypo active Sexual Desire Disorder. I will yu tell him politely to seek medical help but if he remains adamant,please CALL IT QUIT instead of bin condemned to a lifelong depression and anxiety disorders. I feel ur pains.

    • lisa

      June 3, 2014 at 3:33 pm

      bless you.

  23. Shupsy

    June 3, 2014 at 11:50 am

    Corrections pls
    Line 2 is stimulation not simulation
    Line 13 is I will advise yu tell him.
    Tanks

    • Idak

      June 3, 2014 at 2:24 pm

      Line 4b is Thanks not Tanks.

    • Ready

      June 3, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      So damn petty, Idak. I still luh you though.

      I think she should try spicing things up and being aaaall up in his face. See how he reacts, then discuss it with the guy once again. If no compromise, end it.

    • Idak

      June 3, 2014 at 11:07 pm

      @Ready, it was actually a joke. I missed the 🙂

      Apologies for the offence to you and Shupsy.

    • Sunshine

      June 4, 2014 at 6:12 am

      @ ready please stop loving my ida o…

  24. Noksis

    June 4, 2014 at 9:59 am

    This world would be a better place place if sex is not over hyped. The media, literature all hype sex that it makes it look as if it 90% of what a relationship should consist of. I know sex is important but if you love take time to talk him through and find out why is wired so, what he thinks can turn him on. Low libido could be a condition that medical intervention can improve.
    I find it not enough reason. And if he loves you he will compromise to give you sexual satisfaction. Just let him know how important it is to you.

  25. vivadrew

    June 4, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Ask yourself this honest question “would I be faithful to him after marriage”. Also consider the need to grow a family (making babies), cause sex once in weeks or months is never going to increase the chances. So the decision you’ll take depends largely on your future. Remember, once in (marriage)…no backing out except well….. *My 1 cent*

  26. caro

    June 6, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Glad to see I’m not the only one oo. Married 9 years to the best man but sex is now once a month. TF!! And no he is not cheating. How do I know this. We still do everything together. He’s back home from work before 5.30. We hang out together, he crazy about his family and works like an animal to give us the best. He says sex is just not a priority right now and he has a lot on his plate. What do I do? I give him his space and a relaxing atmosphere and ever so often jump him with something nasty he can’t say no to. How I go do?

  27. ruth

    June 6, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    What about a man that has everything except he has a small d*ck and there’s no strong sexual chemistry. I keep staying bcos hes such a good guy and sometines i overlook it. But I’m very affectionate, passionate but he doesn’t turn me on sexually. It scares me if I have to deal with this part for the rest of my life.

  28. Me Full Ground

    June 7, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    @ruth, I believe the choice is yours. vivadrew, made the point in her comment. You can discuss with your guy and see what can be done to bring more passion and satisfaction to your relationship. You need to think deep and make a choice of whether to go ahead and marry him knowing the possible shortcomings or free the guy. No one can take that decision for you.

  29. Abraham

    June 8, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    End it cos u ll b bored with time

  30. AMY

    June 10, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    Sweetheart, girl to girl i will tell you the honest truth. pick 440. Don’t even turn back. There are a million and one things sex could say in your relationship that your mouth and heart wouldn’t even say in a million years.

  31. AMY

    June 10, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Sweetheart. girl to girl lemme be honest with you. pick 440. Don’t even look back. there are a million and one things sex could say in a relationship that your mouth and heart wouldn’t even utter in a million years to come.

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