About a year ago Lola Akindele shared her testimony with BN (click here to read), on how she encountered angels and God before accepting her then Muslim husband Dayo Busari as the One.
Now, fresh off celebrating her one-year wedding anniversary in Paris, the city of love, Lola discusses losing her virginity to her husband, who she describes as “the best thing that’s happened to me apart from Jesus”, the role of prayer in her sex life & marriage and more!
The last time my marriage was in the public eye, it raised a few eyebrows, questions, debates, and many… many… many comments – some good , some bad, some hurtful and some hilarious! Regardless, it was my testimony to share, whether people believed it or not.
I thank God that in the midst of it all, some were able to see the truth in it and my testimony was able to inspire many people, some of whom have now become good friends – and I pray that God will continue to use my marriage to glorify Him and to be a blessing on to others – and before I continue…
Yes, I do have my husband’s consent to share what I’ll be sharing below – and Yes, some parts are rather vivid, but I want to help convey a clear picture for those who will find it useful.
Losing my Virginity
Now, it’s interesting that I can joke about S.E.X. right now – because a year ago, when we got married, to be quite frank…I was in tears when I fully realised how painful it actually was to lose my virginity. It was not a laughing matter at the time AT ALL! And I don’t mean painful in the sense that I felt I was losing a piece of myself… far from it! And it wasn’t even the fact that it just physically REALLY hurt! The thing that ‘pained me’ the most was the fact that I was with the love of my life, we had just had the most beautiful wedding with all our friends and loved ones, dancing away and popping (non alcoholic) sparkling wine… and when it was time to now Pop The Cherry…I was too afraid! I felt as though I was not fulfilling my first wifely task.
We had stayed at the spa hotel in which we got married for a couple of days before we flew off to the Dominican Republic (and not Barbados – private joke) for the honeymoon…and I felt so distraught that I was letting my husband down. On the night of the wedding, I was full of mixed emotions. I had finally gotten married! It was all I had ever dreamed about. I had been planning the big day since forever… It was so lovely and beautiful and my husband is the best thing that’s happened to me apart from Jesus…he waited for me and respected and adopted my views on having no premarital sex from the beginning – so WHY was it so difficult to Just Do It? ‘Nike’ lied! I wanted to…but just couldn’t.
Vaseline at the Wedding
I was very fortunate to have two married woman in my close circle of friends who gave me a lot of very useful advice, one of them even slipped me a small container of Vaseline whilst I was on the dance floor in my wedding dress, telling me I would need it for later that night. I was laughing at the time when she gave it to me. I was soon to find out (as mentioned earlier) that it was not a laughing matter at all! I was so lucky, as my wonderful husband is just the best because he was so patient and gentle.The key is to relax they say…well…according to numerous “How To…” tips on Google that is. I tried to…but I just kept hearing this voice saying…”You’re letting him down…You’re letting him down…He waited for you all these years and now that it’s time to do it you can’t!” It was horrible knowing that it felt like I could not go through with it. The pain, the anxiety, the fear of him being disappointed in me…there was no way I could relax! On top of that, I had heard a story about a young couple who had just recently gotten married and who had requested for an annulment of the marriage because of this very same situation. The wife felt as though she couldn’t go through with losing her virginity, no matter what they tried.
What the Church Says & Reality
At church, the message from the pulpit is always ‘save yourself for marriage’ – which is good…and it’s what I did. However, The Church seems to be producing batches of women who yes, may come to their married bed as virgins …but they are more or less left to their own devices after that. Old wives tales, advise from mothers and jokes about it from friends aren’t really enough to fully prepare you for what to expect. I guess everyone’s different and everyone’s first time will most certainly be different – but The Church should also have in place a platform (or a session included within their premarital counselling) whereby they’re not afraid to touch on the subject of the Wedding Night and how it’s different when marrying a virgin.It would be good to have some sort of dialogue in place between the future spouses regarding the importance of being gentle and patient or even perhaps certain positions that will help make it easier, such as propping a pillow under your pelvis (for the woman), which helps make your first time go a lot more smoothly. (A technique I learnt from Google whilst on my honeymoon. For the first couple of days I would be like: Hold on! Let me quickly get the pillow first! Lol!) Thus couples can discuss these different methods beforehand, which should help better prepare them for their wedding night.
However the most beautiful part of it all was remembering that God does not give us more than we can bear.
He had blessed me with such a wonderful and caring husband and my hubby was so sweet and just kept telling me “It’s ok, don’t worry about anything… it will happen.”
There’s no way I could imagine going through that process with someone who didn’t love me or who was just using me, as some women and even some teenage girls have to go through.
I asked the Holy Spirit to open up everything that needed to be opened in order to make this happen and to give me the ability to stop over thinking everything and to just relax. To make light of the situation, my husband so lovingly reminded me that the children that we’re looking forward to having one day, are going to have to come through this avenue. We laughed… and laughed some more.
It was good to be with someone who was so calm about the whole thing and that also helped to make everything easier. Something that is supposed to be a natural process of life, something that I hadn’t experienced in all of my 26 years, but was now ready to experience… was NOT going to be turned into something that would now try and steal my joy. Oh no honey! When I prayed, I prayed for Wisdom – wisdom for how to best deal with the situation and for the strength to bear the pain and to overcome it so that I could please my husband and so that we could both enjoy something that God himself had created for us to enjoy in marriage.
My Sailor 🙂
Praise God, like a dream, everything just calmed down, seemed more relaxed and it happened. Surprisingly, during the honeymoon, my body discovered a new found flexibility that had never existed before! It was going into positions that I hadn’t even thought it could do. My husband is a rather reserved man in public, a symbol of integrity even – but in the privacy of our bedroom (or whichever room it happens to take place in even)… there are no reservations!
He sure does know how to handle his business! And now everything is plain sailing! I call him the captain of my ship and will often send him a message when he’s at work saying “Oi! Oi! Sailor!” because he knows how to navigate this vessel towards reaching the best…well…I’ll just say it: Orgasms out there – whether the tide be low or high!
And of course with love – making comes babies! Another one of the main topics that arise within the first year of marriage. I can’t even count the number of times people have asked me when I will be ready for the children to come. Having been born and raised in London my whole life, I’m accustomed to being naturally “rather-reserved” as they say the English are. Thus I don’t take too kindly to the numerous lovely, but on occasion, overbearing Nigerian aunties who feel that it’s ok to grab hold of me and pat my stomach every time they see me saying: “Ah! Ah! When are the babies coming now???” Erm… when we as a couple have decided we are ready for that thank you very much! And of course… In God’s own time.
There’s also the matter to consider when you are expecting to be pregnant and it doesn’t seem to be happening for whatever reason. Again, I believe that nothing is impossible with God and being at peace with His timing and decisions can be a source of comfort to hold on to in the midst of an incredibly heart breaking or testing time.
On Debt/Finances for Newlyweds
They say once the wedding’s over, your honeymoon has come and gone and the stories about the Hen Night, Bridal Shower and Traditional Engagement that all preceded the big day…have fizzled out like stale champagne…you’re left with: A gaping big hole of debt…The reality of what it really means to be stuck with each other for the rest of your lives…AND…For those who were virgins before the wedding night…There’s the excruciating process of trying to overcome the pain of having sex for the first time and establishing a fulfilling sex life with your husband. The first year of marriage can be one of the most challenging and testing years of all – and statistics show that the rate of divorce spikes within the second year of marriage, seeing as within the UK, divorce proceedings are not allowed during the first 12 months of being married.
Well I for one am so grateful to God because He’s blessed my family and my husband’s family in such a way that debt and money issues regarding the wedding was not even in the picture for us… so smooth sailing on that front. Thankfully, a combination of the upbringing we have had, the teachings we receive from the pulpit and relevant books/seminars on financial integrity have enabled us to be sensible when it comes to the subject of money. And this is extremely key, seeing as approximately 65% of marriages end in divorce because of money issues. We’ve always had financial goals and aspirations but over this past year, we’ve been encouraged to put these ideas to paper and to plan out the next ten years of our lives – which is a great help.
Travelling With Him
Going on holiday and having alone time away from it all has also been a wonderful and interesting experience. I had never travelled abroad with him whilst we were dating so for me, holidays had always either been with my family or with my girlfriends. Since the wedding, we’ve travelled to The Dominican Republic (for our honeymoon), Portugal, Dubai (Got stuck in Qatar lol) and now Paris…the City of Love to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We’ve also travelled away to some countryside locations in England and it’s always interesting discovering new parts of the world together. The best thing is being on holiday with not just your man…but your HUSBAND! Whenever there’s a guy staring at you on the beach or trying to approach you at the bar…just flash your ring at them! It works like a charm…well…most of the time. Either way, it’s a great feeling being away from it all and being away from the normalcy of life, just having a break, like a Time- Out session together, to recuperate before hitting the grind again.
Alongside that however, I’ve also learnt to treasure the everyday, even mundane moments with my husband. As great as it is chilling with our friends and going out to dinner parties, events, visiting people etc…sometimes, I just long for those moments when we’re both curled up in the living room of our apartment , the balcony door left open, letting in that crisp, cool river breeze, as we’re wrapped up in a blanket on the floor (despite having a sofa suite), with a big old bowl of popcorn (me), suya (him) and Supermalt (both of us) or tomato juice (most DEFINITELY only him), watching one of our favourite shows (Suits, The Good Wife, Breaking Bad, Orange Is The New Black, 24, Scandal, Downton Abbey etc) hooked up from his laptop, via that oh so precious HDMI cable – and it’s just the two of us in our little haven of home.
Speaking of home, this past year has been a true revelation of what Home actually is. When I was younger, I was accustomed to the popular phrase: ‘Home is where the heart is.’ I simply took this to mean that home is a special place -which is some-what accurate. However, my first year of marriage has taught me that there’s an even deeper sense to the phrase. It’s easy to find or be found by a guy, fall in love, have a lavish wedding and live the rest of your lives together. But what kind of life is it that you’re spending together? There are many married couples who have spent decades together but the kind of life that they’ve lived has been an unhappy one. And I believe that the heart of one’s life is in fact their home. The home they came from, the home they’re in now or the home they hope to build. (Let me clarify that I mean Home and not House)And thus, having been a newlywed, I was determined to make my new Home where my heart is. And when there’s a King, he must recognise his Queen – which is how my husband treats me each and every day. In the space of this past year,
Cooking … and looking sexy while doing it.
I’ve been so grateful to my mother for the home training she instilled in her children when we were growing up (At the time, I thought it was an abomination that she was making me cook soup and okra at the age of 10 – but I sure do appreciate it now!) Taking care of my home is something I take great pride in. It can be annoying and stressful with cooking and cleaning everyday – no doubt…but it keeps a happy home and there’s pure joy in seeing your husband’s face when he comes home from work and you know that both of your hearts are happy in the home you’ve built.
I’ve learnt that it also helps to wear something nice and sexy when doing the cooking and cleaning – or nothing at all with just an apron on can suffice – you’ll find that the food tastes – oh just that bit sweeter! The whole house seems to be just that bit more sparkly and clean …and it won’t just be your excellent culinary skills that have kept him very… how do I put this? That’s right – Satisfied!
And finally…perhaps the most important thing I’ve learnt in my first year of marriage is something that I’ve always known , except now that Two have become One, the meaning of it resonates on a much deeper level. It is the power and importance of Prayer.
We have a Couples’ Devotion Bible, which is really great, as it helps us to plan our weekly Bible study around the theme of our marriage and everything else more or less stems from there. We also have Holy Communion together once a week at home. The assistant Pastor at our church once mentioned how it doesn’t have to be limited to once a month in a church service or every week at Mass. Why not bring it into your home?
At my bridal shower, amongst some very…shall I say… Stimulating gifts, one of my very close friends also gave me something to stimulate my prayer life as a married woman. It’s a book called “The Power of a Praying Wife”, by Stormie Omartin. It’s an incredible book and has truly helped me when it comes to knowing exactly what aspects of my husband’s life to pray for… from praying for his work, to his finances, to his integrity, to his faith…and everything else in between really. Even how to handle arguments, and falling out with each other would be covered by prayer.
We Never Argue
Fortunately, my husband and I don’t really argue. In the past four years that we’ve been together, we’ve only ever had one major argument thank God. It sounds strange but it’s the truth. And it’s not just because we get along so well like Jack and Jill…it’s primarily because of prayer.
I know that it’s only been the first year and we still have A LOT to learn as we continue on our journey of life as Man and Wife. As stated earlier, by no means do I proclaim to be a marriage expert in any shape or form but I do believe that the first year of marriage can be one of the hardest for many couples who do not know what to expect or how to deal with certain situations. I know that God has brought my husband and I together and I know that He wants to use our marriage to be a blessing to the lives of others and to honour and glorify Him and thus we are happy to have shared our 1st year of marital bliss with you.
Faith, Hope and Love,
Mrs Lola Akindele Busari