Connect with us

Advertisement

Features

Aunty Bella: Mr. Violently Abusive Wife

Published

 on

A BN Reader, KM, left this in the comments section and  BN commentator and contributor, Mz Socially Awkward has suggested that we make this into a stand-alone post.

The BellaNaija team feels very strongly about domestic violence and we do not believe that victims should suffer, or be blamed. We encourage all victims of violence to walk away from it. The value of a human life can never be understated.

Please read the narration below and share some helpful tips you might have.

***

KM December 9, 2014 at 9:59 am
Marriage is just so hard!!! God, if I had a chance, i wont even go into that institution!! This weekend, the wife gave me so much hell for something that was her fault. locked all the doors and hid the keys, stopping me from going out to avoid the trouble. Woman rough handled me, jacked, pushed and climbed all over me and I couldn’t do anything. even if I try to carry her off me, her hands where I gripped will be bruised. and she locked all the doors, I couldn’t even run outside to avoid her blows. I was so miserable, divorce was just on my mind all weekend cos this not the first time. And the shame of it, is that even though its her fault, she will insist I apologize to her, which I do regardless, if not, I might not even go to work that week. Yet I hear people say, walk away when a woman is violent. How will I walk away when all the doors were locked. And she does this because she was sure I wont touch her back.
She is really taking advantage of my seeming meekness and nice attitude. Sometimes I try to be the bad guy, but just does not have the heart for hanging out after work and come home drunk, I find myself driving home straight from work with trepidation . I am so tired, been hoping she gets this admission for her PHD in the UK instead of uniLag, cos that will give me at least 3 years of space!!!!
Marriage just equals depression I swear!!!!
Maybe not related to the article but I already feel better airing this to strangers instead of family.

*Image used only for illustrative purposes.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Steven Day 

124 Comments

  1. bruno

    December 9, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    sometimes I wonder how you straight boys manage, all the complaining and nagging and backbiting of women.even when you give your girl/wife what she wants (shoes, bags, perfumes, penis, etc) they will still be complaining and nagging.

    • Lolamide

      December 9, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      Hey Bruno, Is this your coming out speech or you are out and I just didn’t realise it

    • kdot

      December 9, 2014 at 5:16 pm

      I feel Bruno is a twisted mind. He feels being gay is the right mindset and always quick to attack straight people when they have relationship problems as if gays don’t have relationship issues even after one of the parties has spent a lot on the other in a gay relationship. They asked for your opinion and not about sexual orientation… I still can’t understand how a man can be attracted to a fellow man…now let the gay pride attack me…..

    • VeryAngryNigerian

      December 9, 2014 at 5:41 pm

      Kdot…live and let live…..your normal is not his normal. You might not understand it, but hey it is what it is.
      No mind Bruno, I once lived in an apartment and my neighbors were gay. Mehn come see argument, like “bae, I call you 2am in the mroning after a hard days work”, I’m on the next plane to see your ass…and you tripping…..next thing, sounds of bottle breaking, …squeeky female like scream,door slam…one drove car making the tires screech…next day they were back making love….me I just downloaded one razz naija music….put it on blast to drown the noise…since then they became less silent with their moans…..mehn one has to be tolerant in this world oo….

    • SASSYCASSIE

      December 9, 2014 at 7:15 pm

      The irony of this statement is that domestic violence is actually higher among gay and lesbian couples but you’re not see those kind of stats in the gay-controlled mainstream media. These folks can get REALLY VIOLENT!

  2. TANTRA

    December 9, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    My dear, if it is as you say, chop knuckle. You are a man. If you had beaten her, you might have hurt her real badly. People abuse meekness. I suggest you do something about this issue. Don’t let meekness give you a bruised eye. in this ebola period, animal eye no good for you.
    Action point:
    a) TALK to her. Let her know that her actions hurt you.
    b)Talk to family members or her role models, people she genuinely respect and listen to.
    c) Ask her the things you are not doing well that makes her irate. Behind every nagging(in your case,violent) wife, there is a man not doing what he is supposed to do.
    d) Rekindle your passion and sex life (if you are lacking in that department)
    e) Pray to Jesus, Mohammed, Amadioha, Sango or whatever god you believe in. Pray for a change if you do all these and see no results.
    f) Travel. Take time to travel and move away from Hulk Hogan Wife. Re-evaluate your marriage. Think of what made you marry her. Think of all her good sides. Write them down. Make that in a frame. DHL it to her and title it as -” Bring back my wife, take away this demon” or “I miss who you were”. Sender :A loving Husband whose world you are shattering gradually.

    • kcsheaven

      December 9, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      Very good contribution but please he shouldn’t include “take away this demon” otherwise that’s the only thing she’ll pick from the entire message and then she’ll unleash more hell.

    • Ona

      December 9, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      Interesting…if he was the one doing all this beating and abusing, will u be telling his wife to “talk”? I noticed that we are harsher on men when they abuse, but treat women with kiddie gloves when they do the same.

    • Believe

      January 12, 2015 at 2:38 pm

      True. We would tell a woman to walk away and never look back. Wife sounds like she has serious issues and it takes an insecure individual to oppress another person. Tell her you are done and walk out. This will empower you and shift the power balance to you. You are the head of your home, act like one.

    • Ona

      December 9, 2014 at 3:49 pm

      Interesting…if he was the one doing all this beating and abusing, will u be telling his wife to “talk to him” and “rekindle the passion/sex life”? I noticed that society is harsher on men when they abuse, but treat women with kiddie gloves when they do the same.

    • VeryAngryNigerian

      December 9, 2014 at 4:05 pm

      True, people would tell the wife to run. It all lies in strength, if a child beats an adult and an adult retaliates, you will forget the child threw the first punch, na the adult you go go after. Same with if a man (especially larger in frame/size) should backhand a smaller woman, na TKO be that….. Now I don’t know KM’s wife, she might be Yokozuna and him pa saka……

    • slice

      December 9, 2014 at 6:25 pm

      my dear, it means you are not very ingrained in the typical naija system. there’s hardly anything a man can do to his wife for which the typical naija woman can’t find a reason to blame the woman. man is cheating means wife has let herself go. man beats wife means wife talks too much

    • Aibee

      December 9, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      Can we reverse this your advice? if it was a woman who told this story, would you say:

      a) TALK to him. Let him know that his actions hurt you.
      b)Talk to family members or his role models, people he genuinely respect and listen to.
      c) Ask him the things you are not doing well that makes him irate. Behind every nagging(in your case,violent)husband, there is a woman not doing what she is supposed to do.
      d) Rekindle your passion and sex life (if you are lacking in that department)
      e) Pray to Jesus, Mohammed, Amadioha, Sango or whatever god you believe in. Pray for a change if you do all these and see no results.
      f) Travel. Take time to travel and move away from Hulk Hogan husband. Re-evaluate your marriage. Think of what made you marry him. Think of all his good sides. Write them down. Make that in a frame. DHL it to him and title it as -” Bring back my husband, take away this demon” or “I miss who you were”. Sender :A loving wife whose world you are shattering gradually.

      See how ridiculous it sounds? If it were a woman being battered, we’d advise her to leave the man for her own safety and sanity. Why can’t we do the same to this guy? #JustAsking

    • Solar

      December 9, 2014 at 6:11 pm

      God bless you for this! The same should apply to both sexes. No to violence

    • Asgrl

      December 10, 2014 at 12:01 am

      God Bless You! As in my jaw dropped at some of the “advise” being given. Olboy please run oh.

      Start recording conversations, so that if she talks to much on BBM, Instagram, Facebook etc, you send the videos of her maltreating you to all her friends.

      Please leave oh! Before she decides to bless you with hot water or oil one day.

    • Cynhams cakes, Abuja.

      December 9, 2014 at 6:52 pm

      Wow! Your comment is da bomb!!! Thumbs up.

    • KM

      December 9, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      I didn’t know this will be a topic on its own, I would have shed more light. Thanks for all the opinions and advice. You see, divorce is not in the cards. I felt very angry this weekend and it crossed my mind, but my wife is actually a rare gem. If you take away her domestic violent issues when you try to correct or give your opinion and she gets abusive both verbally and physically, she is a great woman and I love her so much. For those saying I should divorce her, beat her and report to the family…. I am aware of my strenght and even a guy cannot survive an attack from me….. I can’t divorce her simply because I love her so much and we have a lovely daughter, can’t imagine living without both of them .
      The history of this violence dates back to when we were dating, but I did a sober reflection and thought she was that way because she wasn’t sure of her status with me since I hadn’t made my intention known to her. I thought once I put the ring on it, she will stop that. She is intelligent, and has a good heart.
      Someone said separation. … now that I hope to achieve by encouraging her desire for a PhD in the UK. That way we would have the space we need and when she is done, I hope there will be changes.
      And yes, at our anniversary we had a heart to heart and I explained how much I love peace, and we both promised that we will work towards what makes us happy. Alas since then, we have had series of this saga.
      By the way, She has access to all my passwords, atm cards, emails. Checks my phone at will cos I am confident there is no girlfriend texting or calling me.
      Thanks for Al the advice.

    • busola

      December 9, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      I hate to put it this way… Your wife is manipulative and controlling… That does not account for good character 🙁

    • aNY

      December 9, 2014 at 8:18 pm

      *e-hugs* Hope things work out between you guys.

    • troll 101

      December 9, 2014 at 8:18 pm

      You are a really rare gem and its unfortunate your wife doesn’t appreciate that. I don’t think she would change either. You simply cannot change people unless they genuinely want to change and even if she does, it will take years. The best option is a divorce but since you are not willing to go through that path, I suggest you get separated for a while. Send her to her father’s house without your daughter, keep your child or she might end up being like her mother and make sure you record her next time she tries anything for evidence and show her parents and everyone who cares to listen. Cause I am afraid if this keeps going on, she will eventually kill you one day be it mistakenly or intentionally. She might love you, but this is a dangerous type of love. May The Lord be with you.

    • Easy n Gentle

      December 9, 2014 at 8:25 pm

      As an unmarried dude, I can only imagine the torture, from a woman you LOVE! It can’t be easy, anyone else, but her. While women don’t like silent treatment, don’t let some woman kill you before your time. If you die, she’d marry another and life continues as it has for a billion years. Take care of yourself and your child if you think you want to stay ‘married’ because of the kid. It’s called self sacrifice, our mothers did it for centuries. She’s intelligent, she’d fend for herself. If one day she changes, y’all can get back to what it was. If you think you can’t do that, the next level is trial separation. I am utterly confident there’s no diplomacy without action. Humans are like goats, they never listen. It’s one action that forces people to diplomatic seats and look for compromise. People who say just talk are just naive. My 2cents. I truly truly hope you get to save your marriage. Best of luck.

    • VeryAngryNigerian

      December 9, 2014 at 10:50 pm

      KM, like I said in the other post, I’m sure your wife has good traits, that’s not debatable. However I would not encourage violence in any form, because it can escalate pretty quickly and get out of control. Years back I resolved to not laying my hands on kids, when I whooped my nephew in anger and he looked like he was about to die, what would I say if he did?…that I was trying to discipline him?…..that’s the disadvantage to violence, it can get out of hand in a twinkle of an eye. That adorable daughter of yours needs her father…we don’t want her to grow up with daddy issues, so please stay alive. We know you love her, this love eh……no be here, but she needs help, but by keeping silent or not acting and praying it all away, you are sort of enabling her. If you love her like you claim, you will find her help. All it takes is a moment of rage, the right weapon and before you know it, murder she wrote. Check that woman sir….check her.

    • fineola

      December 9, 2014 at 10:56 pm

      You need to get some counselling ASAP. You sound like a typical domestic violence victim. Your wife might love you with all her heart but you both need help. At least for your daughter’s sake. It is unsafe to raise children in environments riddled by domestic violence. I myself have been violent towards hubby in the past even though in my situation he totally fucked up and we had 11 months worth of built up issues, I felt extremely bad and I hated myself for it. That was the first and probably the last time I have been violent towards anybody.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      December 9, 2014 at 11:58 pm

      @KM, thank you for coming back to explain a few other things about your marriage.

      I have just one question for you – what if she starts showing the same abuse and violence to your daughter as the little one grows older? You say your wife is usually amiable until she has a disagreement about something you don’t see eye to eye on. Being a daughter myself, I KNOW how rocky that relationship can be around certain ages and how tasking it can be to manage for even the most patient of mothers.

      My point which I’m seeking to make here is that you’ve excused her behaviour to you but may not see the other collateral damage it can cause your family. Or maybe you have and all I’ve said is redundant. And you’ve spoken a couple of times about this upcoming separation when she goes to start her PhD. Is she going to be away with the child? These are just some things you might want to give more thought to.

    • Ona

      December 10, 2014 at 12:33 am

      Do u mind telling us what usually precipitate these fits of rage? I’m not saying it is warranted at all for her to treat u this way…i am just trying to get the full picture. Relationships can be quite stressful esp when communication and understanding is shaky……so since u’ve decided to stay, i would highly suggest marriage counselling/therapy….i mean a professional one o not ur pastor or uncle. Does she also have random moments of depression? Could be bipolar disorder….but i just want to get a full picture of what precipitates these fits of rage, if u dont mind divulging.

    • missme

      December 10, 2014 at 4:22 am

      You love her…check but does she love you? No one and I repeat no one treats someone they claim to love the way your wife treats you!. You sound like a good man and you deserve the love and happiness you deserve. Go find it. Twenty years from now, you might regret staying and wasting your time instead of leaving and making something out of your life.
      I’m a product of an abusive marriage and really I just wished my parents had called it quit long time ago rather than endure their miseries for my sake. Thanks to them my idea of marriage is scared. Don’t do that to your daughter.

    • Idomagirl

      December 10, 2014 at 7:27 am

      I still think she needs to go for extensive therapy and counselling. Something is not right with the way she reacts and I still maintain that this is a very dangerous situation. You’re a gentle person which is noble, but everyone has a breaking point.

      Also you have a child, what child wants to grow up around such? Also she might grow up thinking that the best way to express your anger/displeasure is through violent aggressive behaviour. Please have another talk with her, she needs to get help, this is not healthy at all.

      No one male or female should live with a violent person, she needs to fix up abeg.

    • MEE

      December 10, 2014 at 8:45 am

      Wow! I am in shock!. Never knew your kind still exists. I ‘ll join you in prayers. God is still God and will give you the peace you all need.

    • Tosin

      December 10, 2014 at 11:08 am

      Well then, take her to hospital. She can get a lot of help from a psychologist. It will take time of course. Not saying they should shoot her up with meds o, but she’s obviously fucked up and with a lot of help and prayer whatever is disturbing her can be talked out of her. I’m sorry that this is your wife. Olorun maje for me sha. I can say I’m really irritated with you and this cross you’ve chosen to carry. But it’s your life and your love sooo.

    • slice

      December 10, 2014 at 4:17 pm

      i don’t blame you for staying. when heads are cool, you see the good in her and that just makes divorce difficult. the impact on your child might be bigger than you understand so tread carefully. i suggest you get a different place or go stay with a friend or family for a few weeks. let her know you won’t be back till then to allow her decide if she prefers your absence to your presence.

    • boom

      December 11, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      Bros,
      You sound like a very intelligent man, and in love too. But please dont let that blind you. It seems she has a recurring pattern of abuse that you seem to have accepted.
      True Story: A wife poured acid on her husband that was not cheating on her. Both parties are educated with good jobs. Till today, she has been unable to give a coherent reason for the attack and now she wants the man to take her back into his life. Of course that is not happening.
      It is only by God’s grace that he’s alive with minimal facial disfigurement.
      Interesting similarity: she also locked the door and left their daughter with the security guard before she carried out the nefarious act.

      A word is enough for the wise!

    • Respect

      December 16, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      then stop complaining about it and deal..abeg!!!

  3. Jiiresjewel

    December 9, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    As much as I would have wanted you to give her the beating of her life, I won’t encourage that because two wrongs don’t make a right. Please and please,be a strong person and stand up to her, not violently but by making a firm decision to walk out on her. And if you can’t because of your think you are not strong enough to do so. Just involve both families. This is hell and not marriage.

  4. Thatgidigirl

    December 9, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    If you don’t have kids yet, divorce her abeg. One day she would pour boiling water on you while you’re asleep or cut off your “levels” like that one that was in the news early this year. Infact with or without kids, find your way out….ALIVE! The kids don’t even need to grow up in that kind of environment.

  5. Ona

    December 9, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    First of all, u seem like a great guy….to be in a country like Nigeria where domestic violence is tolerated and not even defend ur self against her. Seems u entered one chance bro. We are quick to tell women who are abused to leave but overlook the struggles of men in the same plight. Since it has gotten to this level, u need to get away. Even if its temporary separation…for ur own sanity and safety. Perhaps being in a peaceful space will help u clear ur head and think of the next step. One thing i’d tell u tho is that life is much bigger that a bad marriage…u must not die there. Forget what people will say (everyone is going thru their own ish)…..just look out for urself at this point before u snap and do something horrible to her and/or urself! We all have different thresholds on what makes us snap, so i dont suggest u wait around to find out what can make her or even u snap to the point of no return.

    Good luck with everything.

  6. Ona

    December 9, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    First of all, u seem like a great guy….to be in a country like Nigeria where domestic violence from men against women is tolerated and not even defend ur self against her. Seems u entered one chance bro. We are quick to tell women who are abused to leave but overlook the struggles of men in the same plight. Since it has gotten to this level, u need to get away. Even if its temporary separation…for ur own sanity and safety. Perhaps being in a peaceful space will help u clear ur head and think of the next step. One thing i’d tell u tho is that life is much bigger that a bad marriage…u must not die there. Forget what people will say (everyone is going thru their own ish)…..just look out for urself at this point before u snap and do something horrible to her and/or urself! We all have different thresholds on what makes us snap, so i dont suggest u wait around to find out what can make her or even u snap to the point of no return.

    Good luck with everything.

  7. Nne

    December 9, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Please kindly change the locks and have your own keys or Come back home early throw her things out and lock yourself inside the house, let her go and be chasing her father. I think she is the type that was used to being in abusive relationships and she cant seem to comprehend while you don’t retaliate its either you move her out or you guys are going to have a showdown very soon.

  8. bruno

    December 9, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    this is one thing about women, if a man does not beat a woman and show her whose the boss, the woman will never respect him.

    one of my uncle who married to a crazy woman. my uncle is a kind hearted man (one of my favorite uncles). his wife disrespects him any how. we had a family gathering one time and my uncle said something, his wife hissed and rolled her eyes. it was the most diarespectful thing ever, everyone in my family pretended as if they didnt see it (nigerian family memebers like to ignore stuff).

    aasuming this my uncke beats his wife thoroughly and punches her like a bag, will they born her well to disrespect him in public or roll her eyes and hiss after he has finish speaking, the answer is no

    I hate domestic violence, but some women deserve the beating they get from their husband.

    some of you women do things just to tempt your huaband/boyfriend, you always want him to do his worst.

    I can tell ur a nice man, people always want to take advantage of nice, kind hearted people and it annoys me.

    my advice to you is beat her very well, then kick her out of your house and divorce her. life is too short to be with an abusive foolish woman. there are plenty single girls in nigeria and even here on bellanaija that will marry you and respect you and wont give you wahala.

    • VeryAngryNigerian

      December 9, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      Bruno…biko sweetheart….wharris going on?…..is it that time of the month? Have you had your tea this morning?. …… Munchkin who stole your laptop? He should beat her and she should get knife and finish am….

    • pink davis

      December 9, 2014 at 4:12 pm

      NO WOMAN! OR MAN deserves to be beaten or treated with any form of abuse whatsoever! The idea that a woman has to be beaten to respect her husband is appalling. Violence is never be the answer! There is so much emotional and physical trauma that occurs when a woman or man is abused. As a victim of domestic abuse I find your comment very offensive and insensitive. There are better and wiser ways to deal with this situation but suggesting he beats her back will lead the marriage and relationship to suffer more. I honestly believe he should walk away, I am sure he is hurting emotionally and physically and the stigma he carries of not being “manly” enough to handle his wife. The shame, guilt can be very overwhelming.

    • Tosin

      December 9, 2014 at 7:42 pm

      I didn’t think of this. I’d hate to fight, but if I can find a way to beat her up without 1. hurting her much 2. getting my behind beaten up 3. things getting out of hand, I guess this won’t be such a bad idea. But the thing with violence is how it can get out of hand. God forbid somebody winds up with a cracked skull. That’s why I’d just take a deep breath and clear out without beating nobody back.
      Kai, but people should stop mistreating people, and people should stop living with it.

  9. Personal Assistant

    December 9, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    Sorry for you oh.
    Why dont you make your own set of keys? when she locks the door, you bring out your own spare, open the door and waka far to cool off. Or change the locks entirely. There are ways you can put your feet down without hitting her biko. Try staying in a hotel for a week and see whether she will change. Dont think divorce for now.

    • troll 101

      December 9, 2014 at 8:22 pm

      If he tries that, she might think he is cheating. Crazy women cut their husband’s something anytime they smell a rat.

  10. Ona

    December 9, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    First of all, u seem like a great guy; to be in a country like Nigeria where domestic violence from men against women is tolerated and not even defend ur self against her. Seems u entered one chance bro. We are quick to tell women who are abused to leave but overlook the struggles of men in the same plight. Since it has gotten to this level, u need to get away. Even if its temporary separation…for ur own sanity and safety. Perhaps being in a peaceful space will help u clear ur head and think of the next step. One thing i’d tell u tho is that life is much bigger that a bad marriage…u must not die there. Forget what people will say (everyone is going thru their own ish)…..just look out for urself at this point before u snap and do something horrible to her and/or urself! We all have different thresholds on what makes us snap, so i dont suggest u wait around to find out what can make her or even u snap to the point of no return.

    Good luck with everything.

  11. nikky

    December 9, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Maybe I’m alone on this but I feel you should leave the marriage. The first time she put her hands on you should have been the last. No body man or woman should subject themselves to abuse in marriage.
    You are a good man for not meeting violence with violence, you are still in a dangerous situation because if she continues to push you you can snap, blackout and wake up with her blood on your hands.
    My philosophy for the new year will be #YOLO, if you die tomorrow makes sure you die happy and satisfied. Subjecting yourself to this misery for the rest of your life is not worth it.

    • Lolamide

      December 9, 2014 at 5:08 pm

      Wa gbayi

  12. bb

    December 9, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Dear KM, show her this link, to see what she has turned you into. She has made you so unhappy that you have landed on Aunty Bella. Please kindly divorce her, she is mentally unstable.

  13. wow...

    December 9, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    It is a shame you are a victim of domestic violence. There is no need to wonder why you didn’t see this terrible attribute before you married her because people pretend to get what they want. She knows you are a good man, that’s why she is treating you this way. You have options depending on your beliefs. If you want to divorce her, do so, after you have moved out since that will be your choice, have no contact just lawyer up. Now if you choose to stay with her, you have to get wise. There is only one of you, if she kills you with depression, that is on you. She will move on. You don’t need to hit her back. Just eliminate communication. Change your number even if you live together. Move to another room, as in Move out of that part of of the house into the other part. And change all the locks that lead to your side. I mean iron/ armoured doors. Because those type of women always think they can do cres. Don’t fight her, just live your life in your space. She will either leave or get her act together. But don’t loose yourself because she is lost. Just TRAIN her back to being a lady. God bless.

  14. m

    December 9, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Take a break from home for some weeks. Lodge in hotel or somewhere. Dont call or try to get to her through the time you are away. Watch her search everywhere for you and if you come back home and she is still hasn’t changed divorce her. Life is too short to be sad. Big hugs for u, you are a responsible man.

    • bruno

      December 9, 2014 at 5:47 pm

      I hope it was a man beating a woman, u will give this same advice to her.

      nigerians, eapecially women are 2 faced and display double standards.

    • KM

      December 9, 2014 at 7:26 pm

      Lol, she will show at my office and create a scene. Now that I can’t afford. The embarrassment will be too much. You get?

    • MEE

      December 9, 2014 at 8:50 pm

      You need some time out KM.

    • jade

      December 10, 2014 at 3:04 am

      U know wat i lik about your story? u already know u love her and can’t leave her so sorry u ve got to stay put but if i were u i eld plan a trip make her aware of it even if its just a week and soon as i leave home i eld tell her dats it,tell her u walking way from the troubles in your life which is she nd see her reactions,trust me she eld change and be d 1 to call pple to beg u.all da best.

    • L.U

      December 11, 2014 at 11:34 am

      KM, sorry you are going through this but you just have to do something. Please stay away from her for at least two weeks. Let her know your reasons. Don’t disclose your location to anyone. And tell her to work on herself or see a doctor. Before that, take leave from your work place and let her know she won’t find you at the office. She can go there and embarrass herself if she likes. You just have to face this once and for all. Finally, if u come back to the house after this time and she has not changed or has become worse, please leave. I repeat leave. Run o. If your wife was in your situation I would tell her the same thing. No one deserves to be abused.

  15. papermoon

    December 9, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    My dear, the things you are discribing here are not the actions and reactions of a SANE woman ooo. this woman obviously has mental problems and the earlier you left that house the better for you. With the way she is behaving, you will never know what she will do to you while you sleep. Pack out of the house and insist that she goes for psychiatric evaluation or both of you seek some counselling. while at it, stay very far away from her until you see some improvement before you even venture getting closer. Meanwhile if as of now she has IMPRISONED you again, there is no shame here, call some neighbours or friends to come and break down the door for you to pack your things and run. Please dont get a spare key, leave the house for her. …… and thanks for not laying hands on her….. but its time for you to take care of yourself. Dont stay in that house thinking you are being a responsible husband. she is abusing you, and if you just sit there, do nothing about it and whine, you are being irresponsible. All the best.

  16. aunty

    December 9, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Dear KM, I am sorry about the troubles you are going through. Nobody should be stuck in an abusive relationship. I commend you for not retaliating when these fights occured.

    What does your wife respond to? How can you get her to listen? try these things.

    If there is no way, seek professional help.

    I think you should not care too much about what “people” would say and act to protect yourself, and fight to restore your relationship if that is what you want.

    If you are religious, pray through every step.

    I wish you the best.

  17. Person

    December 9, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    I will give you the advice I give all women in abusive relationships: WALK AWAY! Yes. WALK AWAY PERMANENTLY. No need for long stories, excuses or anything like that. She will eventually kill you one day. Or drive you to kill her. Either way, abuse/ DV usually ends with death. And it isn’t worth it. WALK AWAY.

  18. Violent

    December 9, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    I have verbally and physically abused every boy and man in my life from primary school and beaten up a few girls and women through the years. I can fight anyone anywhere be it a boss, colleague, in-law or house-girl. If someone is nasty to me, my man cheats or acts badly I will not take it quietly. I’m still like that deep down but have learnt to control it since I had a child. That was my husband’s request. For me the trick is to learn not to take things too personally so anger does not set in in the first case.

    • zeek

      December 9, 2014 at 6:18 pm

      And what is the essence of your first few sentence madam violent. mtshewwww…………..

    • Violent

      December 10, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      Emmm, obviously the essence is to truthfully describe my bad traits and how I am finally controlling them to show how people like the poster’s wife think and act. Without the first few sentences you can’t see how far I’ve come. Not too bright, are you?

    • troll 101

      December 9, 2014 at 8:28 pm

      congratulations madam violent.. Karma is waiting for you.

    • Violent

      December 10, 2014 at 3:26 pm

      Karma is awaiting someone can admit to a life of bad behaviour but is now taking control of herself? In that case, karma is awaiting you too unless you think you’re perfect.

    • troll 101

      December 10, 2014 at 10:07 pm

      I am not saying I am perfect but surely I am not what yu described above. there is good and bad karma.Just because yu want to change doesn’t mean other people who yu have hurt in the past have forgiven and forgotten. What goes around comes around booboo, yu cannot just intercept it midway just because yu claim to have changed. Yu can’t plant orange seeds and expect to harvest apples unless you are a magician.

    • Idomagirl

      December 10, 2014 at 7:31 am

      You need help.

    • Violent

      December 10, 2014 at 3:29 pm

      No, I needed help and I got it. You’re silly and judgemental, get help for that if its available. I’m improving myself and you’re saying nonsense. .

  19. Person

    December 9, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    I am ashamed people are asking the VICTIM to ‘talk to his abuser’, ‘rekindle their passion’, ‘get relatives to talk to the abuser’. Hian!!! Nigerians are bloody hypocrites! If the woman was the victim, would we be hearing all these nonsense? After all, what is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander! Shame on yall tacitly condoning this nonsense! And before you come for me, I am a woman and I will never support any grown person putting their hands on another! Oshisko times ten!

    • Idomagirl

      December 10, 2014 at 7:40 am

      I tire o. But the man himself has said he doesn’t want a divorce so wetin people wan talk again. Sad situation really.

  20. Girly

    December 9, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Dear KM, all u need is some space. Please leave the house for her, lodge into a hotel or something, before u lose your sanity oh and do something u will regret.

  21. Ona

    December 9, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Enh? Bruno i usually like ur comments mana this one adabaro biko! Everyone needs to keep their hands to themselves period. A man doesnt need to beat a woman to get respect. Thats like saying that white cops need to beat black men to make them behave. If ur spouse is abusing u, just walk away….when people retaliate, it does nothing but create more violence,and worse may happen. Nothing good will ever come out of that. Just save urself.

  22. omoibo

    December 9, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Guy, don’t just walk you need to run as far as your legs will carry you. Some individuals are just toxic and there’s no reasoning or rehabilitating them.
    I’m a bit curious about her violent ways though, was she always this way and you decided to marry her or did she just do a 180 on you?
    I’m asking because there are always signs in relationships, we either turn a blind eye, ignore them or just too blindly in lust to see them…
    At the end of the day, you’re are the person wearing the shoes and will have to decide on how much of the pain you’re willing to take. Goodluck

  23. Beeby

    December 9, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    Please pick up your things and leave the marriage for a while. that is not a healthy environment at all. while you are away you can cool off and figure out what to do next. you are being taken advantage of.

  24. Abena

    December 9, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Please run!!! If it was a woman whom wrote this post,BN commenters would abuse the guy from here to Afghanistan!calling him useless,weak,animal etc.Same applies to the woman.For your safety and sanity..walk away from the troubles in your life. #nolongthin

  25. deb

    December 9, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    i feel terribly sorry for your plight… its amazing what some women can do sha.
    But personally, my guy, disappear. Don’t pick anything or go back home after work. Go straight to the airport or bus park or wherever and vanish. And don’t tell anyone your whereabouts, not even us here sef. Give yourself a couple of weeks to heal and sort through your marriage, and pray like you’ve never done before. You can follow some of the suggestions people have made here too. Just don’t make contact with anyone for a few weeks, just you and God. its amazing what solitude can do. after a few weeks, you’ll know what to do. and when you do, contact a very very close family member or friend (note i said very very) to catch up on whats been happening and TAKE YOUR DECISION.
    I’m only making this suggestion based on the assumption that you do not have any kids yet.
    If you do, then thats where your most trusted friend and close family members can help monitor the situation at home and make sure your responsibilities are fulfilled in your absence if you cannot take your kids along with you.
    But you need to get away from that toxic environment, otherwise someone might turn up dead.
    I pray God keeps you and guides you throughout.
    #mytuppence

  26. it gets real here

    December 9, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    My dad has been in a marriage similar to this with my mum for almost 30years. I don’t know how he manages…I pray constantly not to turn out like my mum…

  27. babygiwa

    December 9, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    Dear KM, I am so sorry. WALK AWAY!!!!!!

  28. bruno

    December 9, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    why are many of you so 2 faced and like to perform double standard.

    if it was a man beating and scratching and locking hia wife outside wont all of u advice her to run, now a kind well behaved man is being beaten and abused by his psychopathic wife some of you are yarning dust.

    no body has even insulted the woman, if it was a man who beats his wife?, u people would have been calling the man all sorts of names like monster and animal etc.

    im sure some of you are even mocking this man sef, calling him a sissy, can u imagine a woman is maltreating him in his own house blah blah blah.

    pls stop the double standard, give this man the same advice you will give a woman.

    some of you believe women are not violent, some of you also believe men can not be raped. pls change ur thinking

    • Jennybaby

      December 10, 2014 at 12:25 am

      No one is being two faced. Stop sensationalizing. Just one person was telling him to work it out…most others told him to leave. However, him leaving doesn’t mean its ok for him to beat her back to get even. At the end, his strength is much greater than hers and may kill her in the process. So in order to avoid murder, let him leave for his own peace and sanity

    • niki

      December 10, 2014 at 8:56 am

      People are deceiving themselves if they think men and women are the same. There would always be double standards because we are different.

  29. shannaro

    December 9, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    divorce

  30. boosilicious007

    December 9, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    You should leave her or go on temporary separation while she or both of you visit a psychiatrist, if she’s still interested in saving the marriage.

  31. amonymous

    December 9, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Bruno abeg take several seats and shut up, since when did 2 wrongs start making a right??? He should beat her very well, mumu like u, if he no beat her,u should buy him a cane nah… Mchew, To d poster, my advice is, if u’re nt happy in ur marriage den get a divorce, I want to believe u’ve tried talking to her and blah blah,bt she won’t change, threaten her with a divorce and see how she takes it.

  32. Tosin

    December 9, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    If you don’t have kids, clear out. Free yourself. Breathe.
    If you have kids, you’ll probably try to stay together. Good luck with that.
    I really can’t stand people shouting let alone more aggressive behaviour. But you met her before choosing her as your wife nah? Anyway, if it was me, there would not be a second time. I would just drive to Cotonou or Okokomaiko or something and send her the divorce. Ugh, that word.

  33. ogeAdiro

    December 9, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    Would be nice to hear the other party’s side of the story. Hate to break it to you my brother, if your wife is crazy (you make it sound like she is), you’re still obligated to find her help. Anything else can probably be fixed. Question is, are you ready to put in the work? Also, forget the her fault, his fault, our fault, their fault mentality because from what I’ve heard, it doesn’t really help in marriage. A lot of women turn into little kids when they’re dealing with their significant others, so, logic will almost always get you nowhere in a fight. With all that said sha, your lives are important, so, sometimes, voom is better than statement. I’m sure that I haven’t said anything that you didn’t know already but sometimes it helps to hear it from other people.

    Best of luck with the wifey!

  34. chi-e-z

    December 9, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    I’ma tell you like I tell my brothers. My signal is 2 flashes of head lamps outside jump out the window with essentials only and I’ll quickly drive you to get a restraining order and divorce lawyer asap if that ever happens. NO ONE NO ONE should be hitting anyone in an adult relationship. It’s 21st century even parents know how to treat their children with respect and talk to them instead of hitting every time things don’t go your way sheesh. God gave all of us freedom of choice and now some human being wants to enslave you and revoke your God given rights. Nope, Marriage is a choice so choose wisely and if someone is violent please get away fast or else next we will hear…” she burned down house with him in it”.., “beat him with a baseball bat”,..” cut his thing”,, eh eh Runaway from the crazies oh Divorce asap.

  35. Britico

    December 9, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    Let me start by saying kudos for not retaliating. Please seek professional help ASAP. That is an extremely toxic environment for your daughter to be growing up in. She may grow up thinking it’s the norm when it’s not. Go to a good marriage counselor; if you are a Christian confide in your pastor and take the matter to God in prayer. If you have to leave home for a short while to avoid getting hurt please do. I hope the situation improves soon.

  36. Ghostmode

    December 9, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    I think you should leave her before you do something you will regret because you are human and one day you will definitely react and you will really hurt her. You are not in a healthy marriage and also remember your daughter has to witness all this. There is no love in violence you definitely in a one way marriage.

  37. Young woman

    December 9, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Dear KM, go away for some time, give her some space. I worry that you’ve started believing that she’s right in beating you. No human being deserves to be treated in that manner. She has issues to deal with and until she does that, you’ll remain at the receiving end. Some people never know the value of what they have until they loose it.

  38. J

    December 9, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    What is going on in your home is NOT right! Remember you also have a child and what happens between you and your wife affects her too, may be not physically but emotionally, mentally… Your child NEEDS a safe environment to be nurtured in. Take a FIRM stand and draw the line somewhere and if she really loves you like you love her she will make the necessary steps to change. Your daughter NEEDS one of you to get their head on right and protect her. It is FATAL to tolerate wrong behaviour. Meekness is NOT weakness and love is NOT bondage. I Wish you the best.

  39. MEE

    December 9, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    Dear KM,
    You need some time out. I believe in seperation to clear one’s head in the mist of abuse of any kind. I am currently separated from my husband who is emotionally abusive and mean.

    I took that decision for my sanity and the sake of my children. You can’t fix things being in the same environment with the abuser. You never know what could happen next.

    Please DON’T wait around to find out. Being apart will give you two time to reflect on your marriage and then find a way to work it out with the help of professionals if needed.

    ULtimately, I pray that God heals you and renews your marriage.

  40. Somebody

    December 9, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    Dear KM,
    Most importantly here is “what is going on with YOU?” You obviously have some very serious self esteem related issues, which has allowed to you to accept and justify this behavior. Maybe you had a domineering mother, or maternal figure early in your life? Either way, you will not see the absurdity in your wife’s behavior until you see the absurdity in yours. I advice reading; extensive reading about the psychology of battered partners and men in particular, especially those who choose to stay. This should hopefully give you some insight into why you have accepted this behavior for so long, and once you have that insight you can begin to adress them. The thing with addressing our deficiencies is that it almost always forces those around us to treat us better, as we no longer accept sub par treatment from them, and we develop the courage to take action when our needs are not met.

    • Idomagirl

      December 10, 2014 at 7:37 am

      .Please do not attempt to blame him for this. If a woman was being battered would we ask if she had low-self esteem or why she ‘allowed’ this?

    • Ginger

      December 23, 2014 at 5:20 pm

      Hi,
      It may not be the right time to say it but it’s true nonetheless. Behind every abused person is someone with self esteem issues that’s what makes you defend the indefensible – staying in a violent disrespectful relationship. He needs to accept that he deserves to be loved and cherished before he can leave this relationship and leave it he needs to do ASAP.
      It is not up to you to cajole the other party into counselling. They have to love you enough to do whatever they need to do to change themselves. If not, please move on.

      Ti all those saying he should beat her, he will Never. He is not that type and that is why Madam Abuser married him.

  41. bruno

    December 9, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    you people on this blog have serious double standards, why must you change mouth when the man is the victim of domestic abuse. ray rice drama, all of u were advicing the woman to leave him. many of you called ray rice all sorta of terrible names, now the woman is the abuser, all of you are changing mouth.

    someone said the he should have a time out and discuss with his violent wife.

    I think ray rice also should have a time out and discuss with his wife he beat mercilessly.

    some of you are making excuses for the crazy violent wife, I hope u will make excuses for ray rice and chris brown. nonsense

    nigerians are yeye people. 2 faced hypocrites. they can not practice what they preach.

    • chi-e-z

      December 10, 2014 at 4:34 am

      Ah ah Bruno e gi anya, the man said he loves his wife and divorce is not an option so people are giving alternatives…. ^look up @KM comment^ o di egwu. Bruno needs a chill pill today -_-

    • Idomagirl

      December 10, 2014 at 7:38 am

      You’re beginning to sound like a broken record. Must you comment every hour?

  42. wow...

    December 9, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Hey KM,
    I understand your worry that she may come to your work place and cause a scene. But cant you take off work for some days? That way, she won’t be able to trail you. You see, now I have read the situation you explained. I have to tell you this. You are enabling this behavior. At the end of the day, yes, you love her and your daughter and any good man which you seem to be will want to keep and protect that. But you have to do something drastic. Something she has never seen or expected from you. And while you take these measures, you give her instructions to get counseling and help to handle her bad behavior and since you love her so much, help get her professional help. The truth is that even if she gets the Ph.D to the U.K and travels for 3 years or what not, she will still come back to you, except probably worse because she has gotten an ultimate degree so there is nothing you can tell her or advice her. Look, I am all about empowering women and you are a supportive husband, God bless you for that, but you need to protect yourself and your daughter. Trust me, this violence will escalate. THINK OF YOUR DAUGHTER. She will see this often and think that is life and will grow up treating not just men but other people quite poorly which is a bad image for you as the head of the family. You have to think outside the box on this one since divorce is out of the option. Wishing you the best man!

    P.S: For those complaining about double standard. It is not quite double standard. Every situation is unique. In this case, KM, has decided Divorce is not an option, so if you want to help him save his family, you have to think outside the box, or just keep your opinions to yourself. Take care y’all

  43. wow...

    December 9, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    By the way, part of cutting off communication is cutting off her access to all your personal information like bank information and passwords like you mentioned. She does not respect you, that’s the bottom line. If you want to earn her respect, you need to demand it. She knows all about you, so she is not threatened. You need to make her realize that the access you gave her was her right, but since she is of bad behavior, she has lost that right. And now will need to earn it. Trust me, these new behaviors will make her flare up. That’s why I am advising taking some days off. But you have just enlisted in a power struggle if you want to see her behavior change. And you have to be mentally ready. In all things, keep calm and enjoy your daughter. Best regards!

    • MEE

      December 10, 2014 at 8:51 am

      I AGREE completely.

      Dear KM, give this a try, but be sure not to be a round her please. Take some time off.

  44. Adeola

    December 9, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    What wouldn’t I do to have a meek and humble guy..*hmmph* yet some people are taking advantage

  45. bruno

    December 9, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    u better beat that b**ch up. some women deserve serve beating and your wife is one of them.

    assuming you beat her regularly, she wont be behaving any how. shes mad. I cant stand badly behaved women.

  46. Oluwabusola Adedire

    December 9, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    Dear Mr K.M,
    Love should not hurt you. Please watch this video
    ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?language=en

  47. Tolu

    December 10, 2014 at 3:00 am

    May I just reiterate the following points dear KM….

    1) you need to “leave” ASAP! WITH YOUR dAUGHTER thank you very much!!
    While divorce shouldn’t be an option (and I bless God its not an option for you) you CANNOT DIE in the name of “I love my wife”

    2) take some time off work… I don’t know how it is with you financially, so I won’t particularly say leave the country. But just go somewhere she’ll be totally clueless about and unable to reach you. Or even if she could, she wouldn’t dare!!

    3) now you WILL HAVE to talk to a few people about this.. let them know what’s going on, and what you have decided to do.
    If you have parents, bless their soul, you need them now. Not because u’re weak, bt because u’re a strong responsible man.
    Thank God its holiday season KM. Weigh your options of taking your daughter with you vs leaving her with Grandma, big sis, cousin or whoever..

    4) you need to get a new number for the period and let vital people be able to reach you (the very chosen few)

    5) again, i’d say you need to let a few people in on what’s going on. Especially people you know she might want to run to (hopefully, she’ll be worried when you don’t come back home. Else, that’s even another issue all together. Cos God forbid that you’re fighting for your marriage when she doesn’t even give a hoot)
    Letting them know, will help them stay firm n nt divulge any information (not that they should know where you are anywayz)

    6) finally, i’d say again… YOU need to take some time off work, get a new number for the time being, and leave with your daughter!!! not tomorrow, NOW!!! While you’re STILL ALIVE. If you need to paint a skeletal pic for your boss, pls do! (IF you need to)

    God bless you KM, and whatever you do please don’t stay!! You deserve the best. We all do. Life is too short not to be happy, be sane n have peace. These are little luxuries we can afford ourselves in this already “though” world

    *P.S: ditto for women!!!

  48. Fredrick

    December 10, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Had a similar situation myself with my current partner until one day i stood up for myself and struck out at her after a sever assault. I was not happy at my actions but since then my partner has never laid a finger on me

  49. Differ

    December 10, 2014 at 7:20 am

    I have a friend who has similar attributes. We all tell her it’s a terrible life choice but she thinks she is the boss wearing the pants.
    Her husband never touched her as they live in Canada; small time the guy begin buy new stuff put for house but never unwrap them.
    Gf came back from work one day and my guy don clear his things oh. The hubby went to rent his own place, left my friend and daughter. She has learnt her lessons and two years after she is still begging him to come home.
    I can say she is a better person now because her action taught her life lesson in the hardest way.
    Hubby just comes visiting on weekends now. Some people don’t think about the consequences of their actions.
    KM you sure need that space whichever way you can achieve that. May God help u.

  50. precious

    December 10, 2014 at 8:46 am

    I can relate a lot with what is happening to you.When my husband of five years cheated on me i was devasted . I chose to forgive him as he was sencere in his apology.I have just become violent towards him sometimes because i still am so bitter.I think you did upset her with something that her trust towards you is nolonger there.I fight not that i dont love or care for him ..i do …but because im still angry and i cant cheat to come even with him.I suggest you talk to her and know whats making her angry …ofwhich i guess you have an idea.

    • Tosin

      December 10, 2014 at 11:14 am

      Talk to somebody.
      If I may be gross and frank about it, people shag, cheat, whatever you call it. HOW can you be devastated when somebody sleeps with somebody else, how? How? You no dey watch film? You no dey read book? The person you marry sef no be human being? Is he some kind of angel? It’s unbelievable to me, even the French President’s partner/wife got herself admitted in hospital when her husband cheated. In France o, where everybody screws everybody. And she had been his mistress when he was previously married. I can’t get the logic. Man, woman, sleep, what is the big shock?
      I’m not saying people shouldn’t do their best to keep their promises. I’m wondering why people promise stuff they can’t deliver. Not cheating is like magic. Like fairy wonderland.
      Life is beautiful, cheating or not. Laugh at it. Thank you.

    • Ephi

      December 12, 2014 at 9:40 am

      Oh, so because her husband chose to break his vows like “everyone else” according to you, it is no biggie and she has no right to feel devastated?! Talk about such an insensitive comment smdh

    • Tosin

      December 16, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      It’s the chill-out theory of domestic arrangements. articles.latimes.com/2014/jan/15/local/la-me-ra-french-scandalized-by-hollande-affair-20140114
      I like it.
      Humming #slowitdown

    • wow...

      December 10, 2014 at 11:29 am

      @Precious… KM said she has been violent before he even married her. Your reason for lashing out at your husband is not the same as his situation from his description of the matter. Just for thoughts though, your anger towards your husband for cheating on you will only make you a bitter person and that’s why you are attacking him. You need to let go of the hurt. Remember you are going to be with him for the rest of your life. Malice ages people. Wish you the best.

  51. Authentic Sunshine

    December 10, 2014 at 9:39 am

    KM darling. Ask bellenaija for my details. Come let me show u real love. Plus daughter inclusive. I just can’t.

    • Jill

      December 10, 2014 at 1:16 pm

      me too!

  52. Glowing Sapphire

    December 10, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Tough Guy! Strength is Meekness disguised. Well done! KM, sincerely, you need some space in your relationship. Your daughter will begin to sense the vibes in the home, which will have an impact in her life, if not resolved now. Your wife might see your disposition towards her attitude as a sign of weakness, distrust or insecurity. She needs counseling.
    “You can’t make the Choices you made Yesterday that yielded the same results Today, and expect a different Result”.
    Is there someone she respects above you? – Try talking to such a one.
    Who are her Friends? – Find out who she’s been confiding in.
    What kind of accusations does she make? – That could be your cue.
    Could you try to “LISTEN” to her rants and make some sense out of her Message? – Annoying right?!, you might get her angers in between.
    She might not be willing to “TALK” when you want, so find her Merry Moment. – Tried too…Ok!
    Involve ‘HER’ family! – They have to know what is happening! and some of yours too.

    If these doesn’t work because some Women are hot as steam 🙂 , You may need some tough love to follow.
    Try to cut off for a good while with your daughter in good hands but this time, seek counseling, take time off work, pray, and deliberately avoid contact with her. Forget about the shame she could bring you at the office bro,that’s if she creates one because someday a snitch will let it in anyway, Your Boss needs a tip off on your latest line of action.
    My Parents toyed this pathway and trust me twenty nine years down the line they are still struggling. It’s not funny. I Pray you find Heaven in your Relationship and eventually find a way out.

  53. Glowing Sapphire

    December 10, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Tough Guy! Strength is Meekness disguised. Well done! KM, sincerely, you need some space in your relationship. Your daughter will begin to sense the vibes in the home, which will have an impact in her life, if not resolved now. Your wife might see your disposition towards her attitude as a sign of weakness, distrust or insecurity. She needs counseling.
    “You can’t make the Choices you made Yesterday that yielded the same results Today, and expect a different Result”.
    Is there someone she respects above you? – Try talking to such a one.
    Who are her Friends? – Find out who she’s been confiding in.
    What kind of accusations does she make? – That could be your cue.
    Could you try to “LISTEN” to her rants and make some sense out of her Message? – Annoying right?!, you might get her angers in between.
    She might not be willing to “TALK” when you want, so find her Merry Moment. – Tried too…Ok!
    Involve ‘HER’ family! – They have to know what is happening! and some of yours too.

    If these doesn’t work because some Women are hot as steam. You may need some tough love to follow.
    Try to cut off for a good while with your daughter in good hands but this time, seek counseling, take time off work, pray, and deliberately avoid contact with her. Forget about the shame she could bring you at the office bro,that’s if she creates one because someday a snitch will let it in anyway, Your Boss needs a tip off on your latest line of action.
    My Parents toyed this pathway and trust me twenty nine years down the line they are still struggling. It’s not funny. I Pray you find Heaven in your Relationship and eventually find a way out.

  54. demash

    December 10, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Guy,

    i feel your pain. This usually happens to relatively nice guys where it is assumed that he wont retaliate. Also had same issue when I got married albeit on a lesser scale. One day when she was acting violent, throwing things around, I just got up and hit her. I absolutely regret my action but interesting that provoked a behavioural change. Of course, our relatives got involved where her in-laws told her she’d the one to blame if she loses this guy to another woman.

    anyway, that was years back and our marriage is now heaven on earth. Pls get her people involved, if she doesn’t trace her steps, give her a break for some time. If you continue like this, your cup will soon run over and you’d be amazed at what your reaction would be.

  55. cath

    December 10, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    spouses should appreciate their better halves before they lose them to people who know their worth.

  56. Tee

    December 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Dear KM,

    It is well with you. I believe your problem(s) will be solved very soon because you have shared it. I agree with Mz Socially Awkward, that the violence towards you might have an adverse effect on your daughter. PL:EASE, do not condone violent behaviour. VIOLENT BEHAVIOUR MUST BE DISCOURAGED IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP. Because it has become a habit for your wife to react violently, she will need help to change this bad behaviour. It is not easy to change bad habits. At this stage, she cannot help herself. SHE NEED HELP. The abuser always need help. HE/SHE cannot help him/herself. SHE needs help from God and she need professional help. Try to involve someone with experience in dealing with marital and domestic abuse issues —-very important. Children should not be brought up in abusive environment. I love the fact that you still love her so there is hope. She must see why she need help. Please inform her that all is not well because of the violent abuses and involve her in the process of solution seeking. It is very important to seek the help of God at this time. Please do not play with this issue. It is well with you. I also think that physical separation would help help for a while. You also need to show her TOUGH LOVE by giving an ultimatum to her violent actions and letting her know she is wrong. I pray for peace and happiness in your home in Jesus Name.

  57. bosschik

    December 10, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Dear KM,
    I really understand how you feel when you insist divorce is not an option. My cousin is married to an abusive wife. I have witnessed some scenes loud and clear! She barely cooks. Her children feed on bread! She prefers to stay at home and make endless phone calls. Talking to her and Reporting her to her family made matters worse. my cousin couldn’t manage the situation any longer so he moved her and the kids to UK. He has had peace since she moved.
    Therefore, i agree with the option of separation. I wish you the best of luck!

  58. Ms Geeky 30

    December 10, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    I cannot begin to express my dissappointment at some of the commemts put forward on this post. We really do have a long way to go if we are still advising those in abusive relationships to talk things out or try and figure out what is going on in the abuser’s mind.
    There is never an excuse or a justifiable reason for abuse- period! Precious I am directing this last statement to you as well. What you have described, as far as i can tell, is the definition of an abusive co- dependant relationship i.e both yourself and your husband are abusive towards each other ( your husband- emotionally and you- physically) but you are both also unwilling to break away hence the bitterness. Please break the cycle and seek professional help to deal with the underlying issues. I apologise for my abruptness but this needs ti be said.

    My dear KM, i am posting links below so that you can begin to understand the psychology behind abuse. I can say with almost a 100% certainty that there is nothing you can say or do that will change her behaviour. As i said in my comment on your original post, this is not about you. Nobody and definitely not you can make another change their actions. We are only able to control and change our own actions and our own response to other’s behaviours.
    Please, my dear, choose not to participate in her behaviour. Make the choice not to coorperate in the willing abuse and subjugation of your humanity. Walk away! By remaining there, you are cooperating and enabling how she treats you as difficult as that might be to accept.

  59. Chu

    December 10, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    She does it because she knows you will not respond. There are ways to treat her without hitting her, just holding her wrists tightly shows her you are still stronger than her, and she will give herself brain that if this hand hits her…. Just don’t be passive. The truth is a woman needs to know her man is in charge, how you go about is is the difference between abuse and show of strength.

    • Ms Geeky 30

      December 10, 2014 at 6:07 pm

      Advice like this is just wrong on so many levels. I do not even know where to begin. She needs to know her man is in charge?? Talk about not dealing with the issue and putting forward chaivinistic concepts. Smh

    • Ms Geeky 30

      December 10, 2014 at 6:08 pm

      I meant to say ‘chauvinistic’ not ‘chaivinistic’

  60. ISIS

    December 13, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    KM or whatever your name is, i think you need help. am not talking about seeing a shrink here, am talking about help from God. a woman maltreats you, hit you and you feel you should put up with it, hell no. stop discussing, it is time for actions. leave the house for a week when next she does something like that, make sure you plan your leave or just call in sick so you can dissapear from everywhere she can find you. turn off your phones and all. do that 3ce and if it does not work, we move on to phase 2. when she startes to hit you or scream, scream back, walk towards her like a man, she may keep hitting you, grab her hands and look deep in her eyes and shout ‘stop it! the next time you do this, i swear, i will throw you down the stairs and i promise you, it is not a joke”..turn on th tv afterwards and ignore her even if she goes on shouting. phase 3, buy a guitar, when she starts, start playing, if she ask you why? tell her she reminds you of Saul. David played a musical instrument whenever Saul became possessed.

  61. TRUTH

    December 24, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    i feel like i know this km in real life. if im wrong, then i simply know someone wearing same shoes as him. the fun is they are not willing to leave. and the violent wife knows them inside out.so she just has and will continue to have the upper hand.
    no amount of “leave her” talk will work, people. they will end up like the correspondent whose parents are still together 30 years later. so lets save our advices for when/if we need them. the person i know , the week he didnt have a fight with his wife, their kid asked how come. funny but sad in fact. so leave km alone. he knows what he is doing. unhappy as he may be, he is not willing to end the ,misery. And madam vicious is not ready to relent .changing passwords to gadgets and atms wont work either cos he will still reveal them to her when she begs (and trust me,these women can feign remorse.) so km, enjoy your circus. Go back to prov 4:7 and meditate. im sure the lord will give you insight. He married her like that . he made his bed, he has to lie on it. She wont change,and neither will he. This is what you signed up for when you said for better for worse.
    wise up.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa

Star Features

css.php