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Ink Eze: The Nigerian Men we are Raising

Ink Eze

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dreamstime_s_50153600This is not a Nigerian man-bashing article.

My father and brother are Nigerian. My husband most likely will be Nigerian too. I really love Nigerian men, but I think they are sort of a ‘special breed’. Why? There are so many negative traits and behaviours that seem unique to our countrymen.

I’ve reflected on them and I think a lot of it has to do with how we raise our men. Because many Nigerians are ‘religious’, we raise our sons in a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ type of way. You might be telling your son one thing, but what he observes is another. The sins of the father (and mother) then become the sins of the son.

From impatience to infidelity, here are some of the ways I’ve noticed men are raised differently, and how they manifest in later life.

***

Violence
Domestic violence can be found in most cultures in the world. But that’s not the only kind of violence that can happen at home. There’s what I call ‘depraved’  violence.

I know of a very wealthy man. One day my friend was in his house, hanging out with his son and other friends. Next thing, they heard a gunshot from downstairs and got scared. When their friend, his son came back upstairs, he told them his father had shot one of the ‘MoPol’s (mobile policemen) in the leg, because the man annoyed him. After arguing with the MoPol for a trivial reason, the chief grabbed a gun from another armed employee and just went ‘Bam’! The son shrugged and added, “this is like the fourth time”. They were shaken, but after a few ‘wow’s and ‘mmm’s , went back to enjoying their hang out.

In Nigeria, we all know money talks. I’m sure this man wasn’t questioned, arrested, or cautioned in any way. How then will his children, especially that son, ever learn this is unacceptable behaviour?

Now back to Domestic Violence
I’ve heard of soo many mothers who pushed their daughters into rushed marriages. When a man starts hitting her daughter, the mum feels guilty, and she can’t advice her child to withdraw from the marriage. The mother, depending on her experience, can also rationalize it, “You sef don’t annoy him all the time” or “Your daddy used to beat me when we were younger. He will grow out of it.”

One of my friends, when she was about 11 years old, witnessed all the women in her family counsel her cousin whose husband had beat her several times, to kneel down before him to apologize for ‘upsetting him’. She did … and they reconciled.

My friend, who had been peeping at her aunties and mother, because their voices were so loud, was traumatized, and vowed that day never to marry a Nigerian man … today she is married to a non-Nigerian.

Now, imagine if my friend was a boy. What impact would this have had on him? Would he have been disgusted? Or encouraged to think women are always in the wrong and ‘deserve’ to be physically hurt for their mistakes or even just because he feels like letting out his anger on her?

There’s a common mentality amongst some, if not most Nigerians, that in marriage, we must ‘die there’. If you ask your mother, why doesn’t she (the abused relative/friend) leave, many would say, ‘leave to where?’

Cheating
The stories I could tell you about Nigerian men’s sexcapades are too many and it seems they get more twisted every day. Pastors have even told young men in my generation, “guy, this your own dey too much o”.

I’ll just share one today. A woman in a long-distance marriage, her husband flew from Abuja (where he worked) to Port Harcourt every weekend. The man then got the house girl in Port Harcourt pregnant. If a man can impregnate the domestic help under his wife’s roof, then he most likely had numerous mistresses in his work base! But even that wasn’t enough for him. The woman then ‘threw’ her husband out of the house and counseled the lady to get rid of the child – ‘he wants to spoil your future! we will not let him!’ she said. The girl cried and went ahead with an abortion … a few days after, after the last drug had been swallowed, the lady threw her out of the house, and said ‘daddy said you forced him’, and welcomed her husband back with open arms.

There are so many men that take their sons to see their girlfriends, discuss their girlfriends, even make their sons (and daughters) pay for their girlfriends’ rent, tickets and bills!

A son who sees his father do all this (and see his mother take him back), how will the son do any better?

If he cheats, society won’t frown on it, his family would understand, maybe only his religious place of worship will give him any grief, if at all.

Domestic Skills (or lack thereof)
It’s one thing not to teach your children how to cook, or clean up for themselves. It’s another thing to make your son believe it is only a woman’s role to cook or clean up after him.

I’m talking about men who will come back from a trip a week before their wives, and leave their suitcases unopened – with the melange of dirty clothes, underwear and the like, and wait for their wife to return to sort it out.

I’m talking to men who want their wives to be their mothers!

A lot of guys make their girlfriends their maids. They believe women belong in the kitchen. Some men cannot eat re-heated food from the freezer, they only want ‘fresh food’, even sometimes with wives with very demanding jobs like those at the bank. Imagine living on the mainland, waking up at 4am everyday, and coming back at 9pm, and your husband demands a freshly cooked meal … only in Nigeria.

Correcting/Shaming Women (in public)
My friend shared on Instagram how a man was using his phone on a domestic flight – taking calls and texts thousands of feet above ground! A woman asked him to put it off. He did so. Then another man came to “correct” her that he’s her elder, so she had no place to do so. His wife stayed there silently while he berated her. The woman held her own, but no-one came to her defense. This is a woman who was looking out for all their safety, and no one said a thing.

Also, what is about Nigerian men and YELLING? MUST YOU SHOUT?! IS YOUR WIFE/CHILD/DRIVER DEAF?

Impatience and Entitlement
One day I was at Mr Biggs. Yes, I love their meat pie and doughnut (when there’s a generous dollop of jam) *covers face*. Anyway, if you’re familiar with the eatery, you will know there are usually two lines. One for the hot ticket items and another – sometimes for cake, ice cream etc. A woman walked in with her son. “I’m waiting here o” she shouted at the attendants, who were hurriedly packing and serving us. “I’m coming ma,” one of the two cashiers replied. After waiting less than two minutes, the woman huffed, puffed and hissed away, as she called them ‘useless’ and other names. Right next to her, watching all this was her little son. If that isn’t an imprint, I don’t know what is.

Nigerians! We don’t queue properly for anything. From bank lines, to NYSC, orderliness doesn’t seem to be in our DNA.

I’ve been in the front of a long line at a supermarket where a man emerged behind me, flashed his Durex condoms, and threw a 500 Naira note at the attendant, as he stuffed the condoms in his pocket. The irritated woman pointed out I was first in line, as I said it was ‘OK’ if he went in front of me. As he was waiting for his receipt, she pointed out again that she had to scan the item first. So with a grumble, he brought it out and she scanned it. I shook my head as his wedding ring flashed before me. I can bet you those weren’t for his wife…

Impatience/entitlement & Ego/pride/control
There are too many examples to mention, but I have to give a special shout out to my Igbo brothers on this one. I’ve never met so many people who feel the ground they walk on should be worshiped, and their decisions and ideas shouldn’t be questioned as much as my clansmen.

I know a man who slapped his son – on his wedding day!

What could a groom possibly do to anger his father so much? Why is the need for control so great? Wonders shall never end…

Their Way or the Highway!
This is a road pun because a lot of men ‘take the piss’ on the road, and don’t admit they are wrong.

My friend was in the “7-Up” area late at night. She was emerging from a narrow street on to a T junction. As she wanted to leave, a man blocked her (he wanted to enter the narrow street) from the main road. She had two options. Either stay and wait for him to give way, or reverse to the end of the dark, pot-holed filled street.

So she decided to wait. The man was clearly enjoying her frustration. He was dancing ‘shoki’ with his hands, covering his eyes and all, showing he wasn’t ready to place them on that wheel to move his car, any time soon.

She was waiting so long that three cars, also people who wanted to leave the street, came to park behind her. The man behind her, then left his car to talk to the man blocking them all. It was evident they were friends, as they started ‘gisting’ and laughing. A few minutes went by, and the man left the ‘blocker’ to knock on her window and ask her to ‘wind down’. It seemed he was going to tell her to reverse. My friend said she didn’t know when she started raining reasoning and insults at the man. He was so shocked, that he ended up not saying a word, and calmly walked back to his car.

The ‘blocker’ saw all this go down, chuckled, stopped ‘shoki’ing and reversed for them all to pass.

She had been waiting for 30 minutes.

Now imagine if his child was in his car and had witnessed all this. What a legacy to leave!

***

This is by no means a comprehensive list, and as I said it’s very subjective, but in general I do think Nigerian women and men can raise their sons better.

What do you think?

Photo Credit: Michaeljung | Dreamstime.com

Ink Eze is the Founder of AsoEbiBella.com, a platform for sharing African traditional styles.In her early years, she was Head Girl of her secondary school, attended the prestigious United World College of the Adriatic, then studied Modern Culture and Media at the Ivy League Brown University. She honed her skills in advertising and digital media at one of America’s leading tech companies in marketing.She became BellaNaija Weddings editor in 2013, and Assistant Editor of BellaNaija, heading the lifestyle section - Style, Beauty and Living until January 2017. Under her leadership, BN Weddings gained international prominence and became Africa’s foremost wedding media brand with millions of followers across several platforms and coverage on BuzzFeed, BBC & more. #AsoEbiBella became BellaNaija.com’s top feature, with over 1 million followers on Instagram. She conceived of BBN Wonderland, Nigeria’s top bridal event since 2015 with Baileys Nigeria.Now she spends her time on AsoEbiBella and sharing her insights with the world. For more Ink, join her on @Ink.Eze | @AsoEbiBella

264 Comments

  1. Nahum

    April 28, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    FINALLY!!!! Abeg, if the men won’t write articles to advice themselves, then we should do it for them. But seriously, this is a very concise write up and it explains why our men are so jacked up. We as a nation have failed this generation of men but can do better with the next

    • Tee

      April 28, 2015 at 2:24 pm

      I agree with some and disagree with some. I don’t think violence is prone to just Nigerian men, but let me say this the Ego and Pride Nigerian men have! Chai! Broke or not broke, fine or ugly, sense or no sense, they all have it, and I don’t understand why! Yes a man should have an Ego, but the ones Nigerian men have is special. These are something’s my male friends require ;
      *she must cook
      *must be God fearing
      *body must be on point
      *a good girl in public/ a hoe in the bedroom
      *must no how to put it down in the bedroom
      *she can’t have at most more than 2 sexual partners
      *her tweet game must be on point
      *oh no excessive makeup, natural but still good looking
      *treat him as a king
      *(summary, be a living Barbie)/chappie robot
      At this point I ask them what requirements do we get! The answer is I’m a man isn’t that enough!!!
      No regards it’s not! To whom much is given much is expected, you want all these things because you are a man? But it is an abomination to open doors for me, cook me dinner?, do the dishes? Maybe I’ve been too westernized in America but I don’t want a man that I’m forced to do things for, I’ll do all these things out of love and respect for you cus you treat me as an equal that you love n not a mini slave.
      They are also good at talking women down, telling me oh that’s your place as a woman! Chai! I went to the same 4 year college you went to! In fact we both have the same engineering degree, my GPA may even be higher than yours but you still think I’m a woman oh you are dumb, even if I earn the same as you? Lol! Gender equality ! If I say something wrong correct me like you have an education, like you were not brought up in the zoo….especially not in oublic!!

    • jefka

      April 28, 2015 at 4:53 pm

      My dear, if you hear that a man died in my village, he prolly choked on his ego………..Ndi Nsukka i hail oooooo

    • Tee

      April 28, 2015 at 5:17 pm

      Ah! @Jefka. How did you know? I married an Nsukka man and trully his ego has ruined our marriage! It is beyond me.

    • hawttalkwithtosan.blogspot.ca

      April 28, 2015 at 6:14 pm

      Actually everyone one has an ego but you have to be spiritually evolved not let it always control your actions, Insecurity is a big reason people put forth their egos.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:06 am

      There’s always that idiot who does not understand that the article IS ABOUT NIGERIAN MEN. Therefore the author will make her points based on that premise, not other men in the world!!!

      Nkechi, you’ve said most of it. The only thing I may add is the RESPONSIBILITY FOR MEN TO RAISE MEN IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. While women can do their best, a real man can make another real man easier than a woman will.

    • hon

      April 29, 2015 at 1:57 pm

      May God bless you Tee. many mnay mnay many many more wisdom IJN

    • Unspoken truth

      April 28, 2015 at 3:35 pm

      Another men bashing article, there is like one of these every week. How we cheat, are irresponsible, lazy blah blah. Don’t women have better things do than discuss men.

      Most your whole life be about men, most men don’t have time for this they are all on goal.com, dailymail sports section, sahara reporters, forbes or any article about mayweather and PAC, definitely not reading an article about women.

      Am not saying some of the points where not obvious or not listed before or useful, I think women should focus their energy on other stuffs rather than the opposite sex.

      Back to the article, the writer lost me when she said she was in Mr Biggs and the mum was shouting at the food attendant, how does that relate to men’s behaviour, if her daughter was there she could have easily picked up such bad behaviour as well.

      Women find something better else do and raise your sons and daughters rights

    • Jane Public

      April 28, 2015 at 5:04 pm

      Please it is not another men bashing article. Don’t throw away the baby with the bath water, this conversation has to be had. Yes, some of us may be seen to have taken the easy way out by not marrying Nigerian (true story). I have been told that i can never understand what it feels like to be married to one and for that, I am veeeeeeery grateful. I didn’t want to understand, thank you very much, but I am still going to raise half a Nigerian. Saffron (with faith) and her brothers hopefully i get to have a boy will still be half Nigerian, her male cousins are Nigerian, so there will still be that Nigerian influence. This what looks like a generational curse has to be nipped in the bud. The cycle of the stereotypical Nigerian man needs a PHD thesis. Bella Naija is a platform for social change, heck social media was partly responsible for Buhari getting elected, so if we have a problem, where best to discuss it? As for men not talking about women, phlease, y’all do it all the time. Using your analogy, those sites are male dominated sites, Bella Naija is a female dominated site, so your point is again?

    • Zara

      April 28, 2015 at 7:40 pm

      Sshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

    • Tobi

      April 29, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      Women do focus on other things and they are making great things happen in their various spaces . Even women in the informal sector!! They would do better if the men did half of the good things and sacrificed like women do. How many women have given up their dreams because of a man? Or children?Do you read many of such stories where men did the same? You should focus on how the men which you represent are a constant headache to the women folk. Do you know that the number one threat to womankind is man? 1 out of 3women will experience domestic violence in her life time, in Nigeria 1out of 3 women has experienced domestic violence.. Go read it up. The truth is many men have zero values and have failed to teach themselves basic human being skills(if you were not taught teach Yourself). Women are partly responsible for the success of many successful men because they have held the home front down very well, taken good care of the children, made the house comfortable to come to; when the man goes off pursuing his career or business. Men, you would be a whole lot better in this life when you treat the women in and out of your life better.. . I apologise for any typos. Peace.

    • Salama Afro Ladies Salon Dubai

      May 1, 2015 at 12:40 pm

      @Unspoken truth yes indeed most of our issues all have MEN in them including MENstruation, MENopause, DysMENorrhea enough to make you go MENtal and see one GUYnacologist!
      Back to the article, the men you have describe are AFRICAN not just Nigerian (except most other former British colonies know how to make a good queue!)

    • Kadara

      April 28, 2015 at 4:09 pm

      When I complain to my brother about how unambitious, entitled, arrogant etc a lot of men these days are he always tells me it’s up to the women to step in and raise better boys if the men have refused to be better examples to their sons. That you mistakenly married a “useless” man doesn’t mean you should open your eyes and watch your son turn into one. Truly the Nigerian mothers are part of the problem, from a young age the Nigerian boy is told that he is some sort of Demi god (eyes rolling) . If you make your daughter pick up after her brother you are part of the problem! It’s only in Nigeria a woman will be the breadwinner yet the man will think helping out in the house is beneath him! So what exactly is he bringing to the relationship! It’s like a housewife saying household chores are beneath her!

      When a woman complains to her mother in law about the husbands cheating ways, all you will hear is excuses. You know men are like that, blah blah. If she complains that he never lifts a finger to help, the same mother will make more excuses instead if calling him out on his bull. The average Nigerian mother is an enabler who has so over pampered her son, she’s looking for a 2nd mother for him in the name of wife

    • Tracy

      April 28, 2015 at 5:33 pm

      Thank you so much Kadara for this. The best form of women empowerment is for women to raise better men! Badly-behaved men are the product of bad mothers. Harsh but true.

    • hon

      April 29, 2015 at 2:14 pm

      i agree o, but its not only a woman’s job to raise a child, its for both parents. however in the case where the woman has married a bad man, she should try and raise her son better, let the coming generation not suffer for the mistakes of the previous ones. that’s what we suffer today. the fact that our mothers used to stay at home, cook, clean, carry children on their backs and still go to farm… they didn’t have proper education and couoldnt stand up for themselves, now, we are expected to behave the same way.. hian!!

    • kaycee

      April 28, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      It is about time I join this convo. Firt things first, Nigerian ladies are good enablers. Just bcos I ride a decent car and live comfortably shouldn’t make you desperate. I have bare girls come over to my place and started cooking, cleaning, washing and even suggesting to bring food for me from time to time. I usually don’t appreciate dem when they do this, cos I didn’t solicit for thier help in doing any of my household chores and guess what? they keep doing.

      The truth naija men are in hot demand, all across europe and Africa. During my Uni day in UK, naija boys were the in thing. Nigerian ladies either need to go hard or go home. I once invited a naija lady to my home, and when I decided to get down with her, I realise she wasw wearing the most unromantic panties and lingerie, I have ver seen (pant seven color and yoky bra). Few pointer to Nigeria ladie:

      1. Don’t be desperate, every right thinking man can sense that, and might decide to take advantage of U
      2 Swith up ur sex game (Don’t wear dem old saggy pants and bra)
      3 Keep fit
      4 Seriously pray, cos thier are too many bad mens out there

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      April 28, 2015 at 8:26 pm

      “4 Seriously pray, cos thier are too many bad mens out there”

      To paraphrase @Bleedblue’s words previously uttered on this same blog, ladies and gents the above statement is what is legal pundits refer to as “EXPERT testimony”. Google the concept if you need further explanation.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:09 am

      “Bad mens” abi?

      Trust another foolish naija man to blame the women for their behavior!!! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR NONSENSE ATTITUDE!!!

    • Bleed Blue

      April 29, 2015 at 10:52 am

      @Mz Socially Awkward…kaycee’s comment just made me feel nothing but sympathy for him…and even more sympathy for the children he will father.

      My sister…let us pray…

    • Arin

      April 29, 2015 at 2:50 pm

      I really want to slap the blackness out of your face right now! Did you read tru this? We shouldn’t throw ourselves at you but we should come wearing sexy under garments and look slim and fit for you and pray for you to want us. Somethimg is terriblly wrong. The writer most likely was wrting about you.

    • Lizzie

      April 30, 2015 at 4:25 pm

      Nekwanu ndi gara school na obodo oyibo that girls are desperate to get with abi na hook. Dude please upgrade your written English.

    • goodiebagman

      April 29, 2015 at 12:14 am

      Nigerian parents no dey born daughters ni? The problem with this article lies in this quote ” My husband most likely will be Nigerian too”. NO BE BY FORCE TO MARRY NIGERIAN MAN!! If you hate us so much and you feel so glad bashing us like this, don’t you think it’s bordering on lunacy that you have still resigned yourselves to spending the rest of your lives with us?!

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:10 am

      Because not ALL Nigerian men are as foolish as you. Most are but writer is hoping for the smart ones.

    • Ngobeke

      April 29, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      Yes o!!! That you married a ‘useless’ man doesn’t mean you should raise a ‘useless’ man…….i train my son and talk to him to ensure he turns out better than his father.

    • bb

      April 30, 2015 at 7:25 am

      Nigerian men are sure lousy. BUT among all the black men in the world they are the best. They are good providers and in most cases great fathers but they are bad husbands. Bad as they are they do not leave their children and run away like some other black men. That’s why they are in high demand from Non Nigerian Black women ask Kenyan, South African, Ghanian and AA women. The same thing we naija women hate that is what they are looking for. free money.

    • Dr. Phil for Naija!

      May 1, 2015 at 10:24 pm

      I agree! And I will repost here again. The message that I got from this very important article is that, we urgently need a Nigerian version of Dr. Phil!!!!!!!!!! Infact, like yesterday! We need someone out there who is a psychiatrist to step up and start a NATIONALLY televised TV show and start the conversation about our relationships in Nigeria. This is very important, b/cos the family unit is the basis for any society, and as we can deduce from samples of the comments here, we have a problem in the country. Our past/current leaders are the product of our current dysfunctional family unit, hence we are where we are as a country. There is need for a serious NATIONAL conversation about this TOPIC and more importantly, INTERVENTIONIST!!! BTW, I am a Nigerian male and I agree that we have a problem! Now…………, let the conversation begin!!!!!!

  2. Aleesha

    April 28, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    We can be a badly behaved bunch sometimes, that’s for sure. Young women will gripe about their men and how they can be inconsiderate, but end up raising their sons to be just like their fathers and brothers. Sigh…

    • Nahum

      April 28, 2015 at 2:27 pm

      True!! We women play a huge role in this mess. We women need some introspection about our own damaging behavior and how it will affect our kids

    • Enn!

      April 28, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      don’t forget raising a child isn’t just a mother”s responsibilty, so i think u should reconstruct ur sentence.

    • Cynical

      April 28, 2015 at 4:49 pm

      @Aleesha,I agree with you 1000%. I blame the Nigerian mothers. They are the ones raising sons who feel entitled. This domestic skills for example,u bring up your daughters,teach them how to cook,clean etc so they can be good wives in future but you teach your sons nothing. After all he should marry a ‘good’ girl whose mother taught her properly. How many times did you wish your husband could have helped around the house when you were tired after cooking and cleaning and chasing the kids the whole day? Why can’t you teach your son to be that husband who sees the stress his wife is going through and gives a helping hand? Don’t get me wrong,I don’t think it’s a man’s primary duty to do housework,cook and so on but it won’t stop him from chiping in once in a while,it doesn’t take from his ‘manliness’.
      Mothers pls teach your boy child. Let him know how to pull his weight in the home. You are doing him a world of good. He will be independent,appreciate women even you too. And also teach your girl child to be confident,so when she starts dating she knows how she should be treated. That which you didn’t like when married don’t raise your kids in such a way that the cycle continues.

    • Cynical

      April 28, 2015 at 5:05 pm

      This reminds me of a family function I attended where we had this same argument about 9ja men and entitlement. I was sitting down like 100 ft away from the food catching up on gist and mother in law was like won’t you go and serve your husband who was standing next to the buffet table and all he had to do was take a plate,lift a spoon and voila he’ll have food. Tomorrow we’ll say why are men like this. Like a friend exaggeratedly painted the picture of a married woman,pregnant,carrying her two kids,one on each arm and using her leg to turn garri for dinner while husband sat in the air conditioned parlor watching tv…..after all why should he help out,he has gone out to make money and come home,he has done his ‘part’.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 28, 2015 at 5:47 pm

      @ Cynical, I tell ya, have seen this one as well with my very koro-koro eyes and wondered if lacking the gene which gives one the capacity to understand it. In my own scenario, the babe was pregnant but STILL had to feed her husband first before feeding herself. The distance between the buffet table and where he was may have been at most 15 steps. Fifteen good steps to get food so that you don’t stress your pregnant wife but you still want to feel like a king? I just had to tell myself, “nne, no ask any awkward kweshon, oh, before dem to tell you that you, a single gal, shouldn’t try and intervene in matters far beyond your ken”. So I bit my tongue and just watched proceedings.

      How, then, will their son learn the very basics about treating the opposite sex?

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:13 am

      You “blame” the mothers for raising the men badly. Funny that you totally focus on the women (who aren’t 100% innocent) but ignore the absentee fathers who should be raising their sons too. See your mentality?

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:15 am

      And your rubbish mentality suggests that men should only help when it’s stressful for the woman WHEN IN FACT, MEN SHOULD BE A PART OF DOMESTIC UPKEEP AND CAREGIVING.

  3. tomnmenace

    April 28, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    Hahahaha!
    This my country needs deliverance

  4. OD

    April 28, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    NIce write up. But no suprise say na women go abuse you here pass o. They will tell you this is Naija.

  5. Tee

    April 28, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    Plus Nigerian mothers! Teach your children well, cus it’s not just makes, and I promise this has nothing to do with tribe, I’m Yoruba, I’ve noticed Yoruba men! Their Ego radar is 10/10, and Igbo girls it’s 10/10! Let’s humble our kids please! Yes be proud of you’ve become but pride and Ego is a bad thing! The Igbo girls in Texas think the sun sets on their feet, I don’t understand it, nobody wants to be with you if you think you’re better than everyone else! Everyone wants a down to earth person. The bible doesn’t like prideful people! Yoruba boys will swear they are the best boys in the whole of Africa! Coughs! Murray says you are not! Stop it! Learn how to treat women NCOs, the men who enjoy marriage the most are those who respect their wives! Try it! Treat your girl friend right, always be firm, not rude, she’ll do you right too! She’ll treat you like a kind without you having to ask her anything I promise! Unless she’s a natural thot! Lol! But seriously tho!

  6. D

    April 28, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    This is so true but i have to say I believe we are having a new generation of men that are learning that things should not be that way. About a man “making his kids pay for his girlfriend’s rent or ticket” No human can make a grown human do or not do anything. My dad knows better than to even introduce anyone to us his kids that is not my mother. My dad never cheated on my mum but i know that is mainly because he is more worried about what people around would think or say? He never hit my mother or any of us kids either, he just did not believe that physical violence was the answer to anything but he is the man that believes that if a man cheats it is because the other woman enticed him or his wife is not doing something right. He also believes it is ok for him to eat microwaved food at my brother’s but not ok for him to eat that at my place or my sister’s. My brother however, thanks to my mum and his very independent sisters is fast to let my dad know that that is totally unacceptable and untrue.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 28, 2015 at 5:11 pm

      Dead @ your dad eating microwaved food at your bro’s and then coming to “tension” you and your mum for fresh food. 🙂

      My own pops know where his power fit reach … he can bone with mumsie at home to be expecting fresh food and even do nyanga for me if he visits because he knows the kitchen is my 2nd office but when he stays with my younger sis, na that time wey his body go cool. The babe will keep a very straight face and feed him with what’s in her freezer and him sef go chop because e know say she no get that kain time for senrenren. She’s a great cook oh but she fit look you point-blank, ask whether she be your wife?

      Hahahaha! The amount of cheek that girl gets away with… it’s good to be a “last born”, I tell you.

  7. Dessy

    April 28, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    Thank you so much for bringing this up. Many Nigerian men are bad example of patience outside the country, officials of many government departments outside the country can easily identify a Nigerian from a crowd by virtue of their disorderliness and unruly way of doing things. I think we need to go back to the days of respect for queue from schools, banks, supermarket and what have you. Men also need to know that we are no longer in the day era whereby only men work now most women are active with their career, both men and women need to put hands together to help at home rather than leave women to do it all. We are not superhuman we need help we are not machines, we love it when you swallow your ego and assist us with little things around the house.

  8. liz

    April 28, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    sigh… this article just touched my heart.This is such a serious issue that our society has ignored for yearsssss. This issue deserves a government ministry dedicated to them. Ministry for advance male development #MFAMD. Our young boys are mentally perishing and it appears nobody cares.Emotionally haunted women are churning out these men. I have four nephews who I adore with my heart. Every weekend I visit them and my heart is always filled with grief.

    They go to the best schools in LAGOS, live in an amazing house, but have no clue what the role of a man is. You never here my brother (their dad) tell them they are loved. He is always shouting at their mother. He is always going out in the evenings (without their mother). I dont think he has ever hugged any of his children. They have been fooled (alongside million other men) that a man is defined on the scale of his bank account. Because they go to to the best schools and have a lavish lifestyle. That should be enough for them to become men.

    Ladies and gentlemen there is an epedemic in our soceity and we have to wake up and deal with this.

    #withlove

    • Abena

      April 28, 2015 at 3:18 pm

      How did your parents train your brother?how was it growing up in your house?Its a cycle you know….Your brother must have grown up thinking thats how it supposed to be….. #notjustsaying

    • Liz

      April 28, 2015 at 4:29 pm

      @Abena my darl, you hit it right on the head. That is what my cry is for, It is a cycle of , boys become men, men become husbands and then Fathers, Churning out the same filth that was put in them.Unless a young man can evaualte himself and decide to develop himself personally (I know may young men who have bravely done this)

    • Nahum

      April 28, 2015 at 3:38 pm

      My husband’s father told me to pick his girlfriend up from the airport….I was so disgusted but if hubby did not raise the alarm, who was I to do so? I was so heartbroken that day and I just could not bring myself to relate to the woman. I refused!!

    • Asgrl

      April 28, 2015 at 4:54 pm

      I’m just wondering, does your Father in law pay your bills? that’s the only reason, your husband can shut up about such an ask.

      This would never happen and I would show up like mufu at the airport.. I won’t be rude oh, but i’ll mysteriously have running stomach or have my car pack up (stop working) by a restaurant where I can sit, chop and browse my phone until he has the sense to call red cab to go pick the side chick up.

      Na beans abi nah yam?

    • Carliforniabawlar

      April 28, 2015 at 7:02 pm

      Haaaaa!!!! I would be worried that my husband didn’t flinch oh!!

    • Nahum

      April 28, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      @Asgirl, he doesn’t o!!!! My husband told me to mind my business that he does not want trouble. I was so angry

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:18 am

      I LOVE YOUR COMMENT!!! The state of men is pretty much depraved and nothing is being done about it.

  9. Sabifok

    April 28, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    Nigerian men have a lot to learn in controlling their anger and egos. But in the same vein, some Nigerian women also lack manners and self-control. Their sense of entitlement borders on delusion, and they have been known to resort to violence too. Have you not seen the recent cases where women knifed their partner to death? It happens more often than you think; but the difference is that men do not report it due to hurt pride that their wives spanked them.

    Here is my advice to women (seeing as the author of the article had addressed men)

    1. Control your expectation of marriage and relationships. From some of the comments here, some females seem to believe the marriage is that land of rainbows and fairies where they get their feet tickled all day, and eat candy, while bearing the title Mrs. It involves work. If you do not want to be violated (and no man/woman should strike the other sex) control your anger. Raising your voice and shouting or shoving the man, is violence too. Dropping his smart phone into a pot of boiling Egusi soup is provocative violence too.

    2. Mothers (and fathers) please take time to teach your girls manners and how to act, behave like a lady, Too many parents are sending their kids off to boarding school, University or abroad for masters at crucial ages when they need to be taught valuable life lessons. These girls because they now earn a pretty penny if they secure a very good oil company job, are uncontrollable.

    3. I find that a lot of girls are uncontrollable, or un-marriagable. Yet society pressures them to marry. These girls in their single years, hop from club to club, drinking alcohol and living a wild party life. How will they submit to a marriage, which has its own disciplines? Not even a saint can stay married to these girls. Some girls know in their hearts that they are impossible to love and keep as wives, but they still go ahead and get married. I hate to stereotype, but Nigerian girls who have lived abroad for a bit have a bit of an ego issue. No matter how fine you are, you cannot date yourself. You cannot bring ego into a marriage/relationship. People want to dress and look like Beyonce/Kim Kardashian, but have you seen them around Jay Z/ Kanye?

    4. Parents (especially fathers), please teach your girls confidence. Let them not feel they need a man to be successful. So that if they are violated in a marriage, they can feel they have an out. Society is getting better in that aspect as there are many divorcees who left bad marriages, and remarried.

    • Nahum

      April 28, 2015 at 3:36 pm

      This is about MEN now not women. All the advice columns and articles out there are always focusing on women. This one is on men, let us stick to the issue and leave the women alone, for once biko!!

    • Lina

      April 28, 2015 at 3:41 pm

      Eh heh!! Mr. #NotAllNigerianMen has arrived oh!

    • Jane Public

      April 28, 2015 at 3:53 pm

      Because she earns a pretty penny they become uncontrollable. That single line, negated ALL that you said before and after that. Whyyyyyyyyy do you want to control a grown woman. Is she a child or a dog? Do we read women wanting to control a man that earns a pretty penny? News flash, a LOT of men too are un-marriageable, A LOOOOOOOOT have no business getting married, but because they have a willing number of women who will jump at the chance of being MRS, they pick one, and continue status quo. How many married men still club hop, have wild parties, have main chicks, side chicks, left chicks, right chicks, pythagoras chick, should i continue? That is the problem with our society. A man does it, it is okay, a woman does it, she is un-marriageable. Some men know deep within them, that they can’t be faithful and responsible, yet they will get married. See how the shoe fits on the other foot? My dear, don’t rub your inferiority complex on Nigerian girls that have lived abroad for a time jere. You don’t have the confidence or upbringing to approach them, talk true. The men in their social class, who have also lived abroad, don’t see their fellow Nigerian girls like that. A man brings a bucket load of ego into a relationship, expects to be worshiped and adored, and it is okay right? THIS is why even the men you think have enlightened minds, still think like cavemen, even though it is 2015. Yes, it is 2015, women have badass careers, we are bringing much to the table, in a lot of cases, even more to the table. I read a comment recently, If you are bringing steak to the table, don’t hook up with a man that brings just salad. It is a simple law of common sense. The salad bringers should go look for women bringing Salad cream to the table, so the dish can be complete. This was on BN weddings IG under this picture, that said if you see a woman doing well for herself, has everything together, if you are not adding value to her life, admire her from afar, don’t interrupt her greatness. Left to you, that woman should be controlled or because she has money, she can’t submit. When a man earns a lot of money, he is referred to as a big boy, with the ego and pizzazz, and having any woman he wants, but when a woman earns money, she is proud and un-marriageable. Shior. The Nigerian interpretation of Submission is so flawed, I feel like Jesus should come back just to explain that word. Submission is EARNED. Let me type it again, EARNED!!!!! Just the way you don’t “obey” your colleague, but you “obey” your senior colleague or boss because he/she “earned” the level they are at. They have proven to a large extent, (in serious organisations anyway) with experience that they “deserve” to be respected. How many husbands act like they should be respected. Your life is in their hands, your sexual health and general well being is at risk, your children’s future are at risk with a possible irresponsible, philandering man, and you want a woman to submit to that one. Because????? You want your wife to submit, prove that you are the head, prove it every day. The Lord that conferred you that head expects a lot from you, but nooo, the men just demand or expect it, because they were born with the XY Chromosome. Why are all of us not Kings or Queens. Epistle over. Going back to satisfying my cravings

    • GoldynGurl

      April 28, 2015 at 4:15 pm

      Jane, my sister, 100 gbosas for this comment. Telling it like it is since 1914.

    • Idomagirl

      April 28, 2015 at 4:26 pm

      @Jane Public, 100 gbosas for this wonderful comment.

    • Pat

      April 28, 2015 at 5:02 pm

      Preach Jane! Preach! You hit the nail on the head 🙂

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 28, 2015 at 5:38 pm

      Pythagoras chick, though? Hahahahahahahahaha!!!! See new levels of side chicks!

      And please don’t ask the Lord Jesus to return without me staring into the face of my first born pikin, biko. Ehen, then after that, we can continue our bonding in Heaven. 🙂

      @sabifok, you know I usually love you but I’m going to side with Jane on this one because, you see that your theory of babes becoming uncontrollable because they’ve earned a pretty cent (abi penny) from London living and New York hustling? Bros, fogerrabourrit oh. That myth has been completely dispelled by tendencies that have recently been observed among certain “imported wives”, as my married friend describes them – i.e. when a Naija man living abroad decides to bring a wife in from Naija because he’s avoiding the women of supposed bad character that live in the same obodo oyibo . Ah! My guy, wetin we don hear on top certain unions, no be inside this matter we wan gist am. From the babe expecting Givenchy and Gucci on tap, to the babe kicking him out of the house or even refusing him access to his kids or pressuring him to live well above his means by acquiring a mortgage/car they clearly can’t afford.

      And na other married people dey relay the gist oh, no be like say anything. So, if na this submission dey cause Nigerian men to head home for wives, I pray that you will not jam rock… because some of my sisters who arrive from Naija have a way of opening their eye very well when they land. Just keep an open mind and keep praying for a good woman, regardless of the external labels. Das all.

      *Disclaimer – this does not in any way imply that all Naija women who relocated to other countries due to marriage are uncontrollable… in case my message is misconstrued. The point being made was that any woman can turn out to be a shrew, regardless of what country you wed her from.

    • Carliforniabawlar

      April 28, 2015 at 6:59 pm

      Speak da truth!!
      side note: You know @Sabifok didn’t read your comment past the first couple of lines right? It was waaaay too controlling for him…lol.
      God knows that my heart does not want to go to a Nigerian man, if I marry one, I will know that have settled on some level. Every time I get another toaster that’s from Naija my heart sinks….as in, there’s always this weird wave of disappointment. In fact, whenever a situation doesn’t work out I always have a sense of relief hoping that it means God is bringing a non-Naija bae my way….

    • AsMyself

      April 28, 2015 at 9:15 pm

      I was going to reply to Sabifok but no need. Instead I’m up on my feet clapping my heart out for you. Have a whole brewery/distillery/vine of whatever you drink, on me.

      Control a girl because you are what/who? You will remain frustrated, simple and short.

    • oo

      April 28, 2015 at 9:22 pm

      @Jane Public, you obviously are a “convincing” writer, but some of what you wrote is absolute tosh!

      You say submission is earned. I say if a woman has not decided that she is going to be submissive in a marriage and that her husband has to earn it, then what’s the point marrying in the first place? Marriage nor be by force o! A successfull woman can enjoy her wealth and success (and male company) without getting into a doomed standoffish marriage where she’s waiting for her husband to “earn” things that should come naturally.

    • Stephanie-feld

      April 28, 2015 at 10:31 pm

      Truer words have never been written. Your comment is always one I look forward to reading. You tell it like it is.

    • Jane Public

      April 29, 2015 at 11:40 am

      Ms S.A. Godmother number one. Let me offload this baby and we shall discuss. Le Boo has many English and Scottish relatives and I was raised in England for half of my life, so I have strong ties to Mama Charlie land. Your eyes will definitely grace Saffron’s face.

    • jide

      April 29, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      6000 gbosas for you Jane. We need you on a talk show to school these foolish entitilled egotistical naija men. I am so close to dropping names of foolish naija men I know. Ohh my world. Someone restrain me before I lose my sanity on my keyboard

    • Trouble Maker

      April 28, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      Them drop your phone inside boiling Egusi soup??? The description is impressive! LMAO!!! Plus take a chill pill you sound like a male chauvinist. So going to the club and drinking alcohol now makes one “un-marriagable”? sigh* You are exactly the type of Nigerian man the author is talking about!

    • Thatgidigirl

      April 28, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      Dr Morfin, is that you? “These girls in their single years hop from club to club, drinking alcohol…..” This is the height of double standards, so a man can do all this in his single years and still be responsible in marriage but a woman can’t ? And the bit about girls who have lived abroad having a bit of an ego issue….that’s just in your head hun. perhaps you should check deep down, its possible that they give u a complex.

    • Sabifok`

      April 28, 2015 at 5:22 pm

      Sharap there! In an article saying Nigerian men need re-orientation (and rightly so), I have pointed out that females (wives, single girls, mothers, sisters) have a role to play.

      When i used the word “uncontrollable”, it meant “not having self control” or “restraint”; it did not mean “to subjugate” or “suppress” . As usual the issue at hand, goes over your heads while you look at semantics.

      There are MANY issues of single girls who feel because they earn big money, nobody can talk to them. They equate having money with being rude, uncouth or having no remorse. As a woman you can be successful, but humble and noble. This is also the same for men who as soon as they hit a fortune, or start making money, they feel that every girl is for shagging, or they start to mistreat their wives or believe their wives are beneath their status. It goes both ways – i was addressing females this time.

      I do not care if you go club hopping or if you hang from the chandeliers in your spare time. The point I was making, was giving certain examples of where certain females seem to want to bring single-life behaviors into a marriage situation, and when that is not accepted or causes an issue, they do not want to be flexible to compromise for the sake of peace. My words can be twisted to suit your narrative, but my thoughts still stand

      And i gave a examples of parents who leave their kids to be raised by society at large being a root cause.

    • oo

      April 28, 2015 at 8:26 pm

      @Sabifok, your no.3 point is so spot on.

      Reminds me of something I heard today – “for every fine girl, there is a guy out there who is sick of putting up with her”.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 11:27 am

      Because to misogynists like you and Sabifok, all women are valued by is their looks and vaginas.

    • jide

      April 29, 2015 at 12:57 pm

      And for every single man in his mid 30s early 40s, there are plenty women who have dodged a major bullet. Nigga, it takes 2. You men are not friggin prized possessions. You wanna talk down on singlle women and give single men a free pass? We pick each other ok? You don’t just pick us, we friggin pick your asses too.

    • MrsID

      April 28, 2015 at 8:49 pm

      why would you want to control your wife re—girls are uncontrollable, and why is it okay for a man to hop from club to club but a taboo for a woman??? You Mr Sabifok are a SEXIST!!!!

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:23 am

      Other than #4, everything else you said is f***s#it …
      Women knife their partners??? For every man knifed by a woman, there are 20 women killed or maimed by their men so don’t come here spewing that rubbish.
      For once, someone is calling out the real epidemic in our society and you have the nerve to spin it around. Is it women that go around raping men at alarming rates? Is it female terrorists kidnapping boys? Is it women who kill men for not talking to them in the club? Don’t even repeat any of this crap again…

    • Jane Public

      April 29, 2015 at 10:47 am

      Submission should come naturally ke, even when you married a damned fool who wants to kill you with STDs, you should continue to submit. That is what the pastors and the Nigerian society have been using to enslave y’all/ The one the woman should do, should come naturally, but the man has a free pass to do what he likes, you just continue submitting. heck no. Submission like respect is EARNED!!!!!! let me type it again, EARNED!!!!! Even when you have to obey a boss even if he is acting a fool, a boss isn’t sleeping you, you are not raising children with the boss, the boss’s foolishness though can impact your life, you have the option of leaving to another company, do wives have that largess? Submission will only come natural to me, when the man is doing what he should as the head. The minute he starts to behave like a foot, submission goes out the window. To whom much is given, much is expected

    • jide

      April 29, 2015 at 12:59 pm

      Jane for president. Don’t get me started on the role Pastors/ churches play in fuqqqing up marriages. Submission my left nipple!

  10. Sisi

    April 28, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    This couldn’t have come any sooner. Thank Goodness enough of these how to be a good girlfriend/wife, how to catch and kidnap the man of your dreams, how to make a man love you type of stories. Thank you Ink.
    Men please read, understand and absorb it in your memory.

  11. artemis

    April 28, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    Wow! Ur article is so on point! I particularly agree with the igbo man having the pride/ego in the whole world! I am a female engineer working in the east and oh my gawd! My travails no be here! My partner exhibits 90% of the listed issues and I wish the lady who will marry him good luck!

    • cindy

      May 8, 2015 at 5:02 am

      Haba, no only for east? Look at those I go ya a boys here in logos sef. ….you can easily tell.

  12. Truth Teller

    April 28, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Ink, I need to meet and hug you!!!

  13. Engoz

    April 28, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Ink Eze. You are not the only one thinking like this. I can assure you a thousand and one women are pondering on these issues, asking questions on why the Nigerian male is the way he is. If other women are not scared, I am 100% scared of what the Nigerian male encapsulates. There is something wrong. Many women in order to come across as the humble, docile one encourage this misogyny, and even become misogynists themselves just to receive praises from their male counterparts. Our forefathers generation had the excuse of not knowing any better, what is the excuse of this generation that prides itself in being more educated and technologically savvy? How does it make sense to be expecting some of these demands from a wife working the same way you work? That is just pure wickedness!

    We have raised and unleashed a battalion of entitled men that see nothing wrong in the way they approach matters especially when it comes to marriage, women and children. Why do you think Nigeria cannot get it right? The family is the fundamental functional unit of any society. If a society cannot get it right, then something is evidently wrong in the family structure in Nigeria. Something is not just working. Men rule politics today in Nigeria, and you see how disorganized, corrupt that political space is. Now, the stories you read about the Nigerian marriages for papers leave you speechless. Blogs and forums have been dedicated to the Nigerian man by foreigners detailing their escapades with them and all what you can get from the Nigerian male persona is one who is akin to a beast, a totally emotionally decrepit individual. I’ve always asked myself, but other countries do this marriage fraud why is it the Nigerian one that takes precedence in the minds of people? Let’s not even talk about their criminal leanings and inklings. Nigeria is not one of the poorest countries in Africa, why then do we reign in crime? The way the Nigerian family is structured is evidently not working. If you are not asking yourself these questions and see nothing wrong in the way things are, then something must be wrong with the chemical balance in your brain.

    Women due to old ideals of culture, religion are responsible for the training of the children. Those ideals cannot work again and be solely based on women, men have to be invested in the family as much as women. In the olden days women had the network of relatives to help with the chores and children. Not any more. We live far away from each other today and do not have the luxury of having our relatives close to us. So it does not make any damn sense to continue the idea that only women should take care of the home. Men have to become invested in the home as much as women.

    I do not think there’s any redemption for our generation though, but the next generation can be better. Do not excuse your son from house chores, that is where the whole disastrous entitlement come from. What do you do as a mother when he is placing those ridiculous demands on his wife? Do you support him or scold him? Humility is not a trait that should be inculcated in the female species alone. And for the love of God teach your sons to stop shouting. Please let’s make life better for our daughters.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:26 am

      As a woman you are here saying “We, we we!” when you and many women you know did not turn out like your brothers and his friends. They are adults just like you, aren’t they???

      Women. Forever taking the blame for men. Tsk tsk!

    • Engoz

      May 6, 2015 at 10:17 pm

      By we, I mean society. Better read my comments well.

  14. Abena

    April 28, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    I’ve been in the front of a long line at a supermarket where a man emerged behind me, flashed his Durex condoms, and threw a 500 Naira note at the attendant, as he stuffed the condoms in his pocket. The irritated woman pointed out I was first in line, as I said it was ‘OK’ if he went in front of me. As he was waiting for his receipt, she pointed out again that she had to scan the item first. So with a grumble, he brought it out and she scanned it. I shook my head as his wedding ring flashed before me. I can bet you those weren’t for his wife… THIS RIGHT HERE MAKES YOU AN ENABLER!(YUP I KNOW I AM SHOUTING)…Why did you say its Ok if he went in front of you when he clearly wasn’t supposed to be there?
    You in a way have perpetuated the idea that its a male privilege if he jumps the queue infront of a woman all the time!
    Anyway,i don’t think this is restricted to only Nigerian men….I see the same with my Ghanaian brother’s!

    • jennietobbie

      April 28, 2015 at 9:15 pm

      FANTASTIC point, Abena. I caught that “ok” vibe too. No, it’s NOT ok. Thank you!!!!

  15. Anonymous

    April 28, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    Awon t’emi ni BellaNaija ijo shoki ni won jo oo

  16. JAYNNE

    April 28, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    very correct article, on point

  17. NaijaMan

    April 28, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    NAIJA MAN HERE and I approve!! I am ashamed to be a naija man sometimes, based on what I saw from my parents and relatives.

    Fathers introducing their sons & daughters to concubines/girlfriends/ashawo – check
    Father & Mother fighting in front of kids – check
    Father reporting Mother to her community when he commits adultery & caught – check
    Mother’s family asking her to kneel and apologize to husband that she is a troublemaker – check
    I am sooo upset right now, that I cant type….sigh!!

    Those are some things I witnessed in my childhood. they are still married by the way. I told them last year, “I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE OF THE DISTRUST & UNHAPPINESS I WITNESSED”. of course, they were shocked I brought this up. oh well, little John had eyes & ears to witness all of that.

    Secretly, I wanna go to therapy because I know there is some effect here but I am too afraid to discuss this publicly. my siblings are all hush, we don’t want the world to see or feel this pain we log around……

    I know some sheltered folks will be thinking, this is some tale or this never happens. well, to the public we were a perfect home. well behaved, dad & mum were philanthropist, active in church and very well known. Never judge a book by its covers oh.
    ur dads probably cheated and ur moms didn’t find out or ur moms just kept quiet, How many times have I seen my friends parents late at night perusing these lekki streets with babes. But they will post IG message saying, he is my hero and blah blah blah….

    PSA – ALL NAIJA MEN CHEAT!!!!! buckle up

    • Stacey

      April 28, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      Thank you so much for speaking the truth. Your comment captures my thought.

    • jefka

      April 28, 2015 at 5:04 pm

      My dear, to confirm your comment, i was driving with my dad one day in the village, and i saw a young boy that looks exactly like my dad………i kept staring at him with my mouth opened………and i was saying …..”daddy did you see that guy?” my dad just said ” i know but u dont have to shout”
      well, turns out dad has a son that we dont know about…….

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 28, 2015 at 5:52 pm

      HIAN! In fact, double HIANNNNN!!!!!!!!!

    • Zara

      April 28, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      OMG!!!!!!!!!

    • AsMyself

      April 28, 2015 at 9:30 pm

      NO WAY!!!

    • Bleed Blue

      April 29, 2015 at 11:07 am

      EWOOOO!!!! My mouth is open wider than I thought possible. Chei!

    • Beluolisa

      April 29, 2015 at 10:01 pm

      Tell me you’re kidding. God knows ill remain scarred for life ohh!!!

    • Ivy

      April 28, 2015 at 5:16 pm

      and somehow you won’t cheat on your wife. Because you have witnessed first hand what that does to the family. Funny but true.

    • God bless Nigeria

      April 28, 2015 at 6:06 pm

      Not all Nigerian men cheat. Just like not all Nigerian men are bad. Just like not all Nigerian women are bad. Generalisation is unhelpful. But on a more serious note, cheating men and women are hell bound. I read a testimony of someone who was taken on a tour of hell and she saw people hanging from hooks but their private parts (the instrument of their sin). May God have mercy and may depravity end in Nigeria. Amen.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:29 am

      Please, go to therapy as you’ve mentioned. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Therapy will help you roll far away and build your own family on solid ground. All the best! =)

    • true talk

      May 10, 2015 at 7:05 am

      Recognizing the wrong in the situation is a good first step and then you taking precaution not to perpetuate the mistakes of your folks would be golden. Feel like to give you a hug though…you’ll’ be fine

  18. Guess

    April 28, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    Great article and topic. The responses here shows that for the most part. Society is changing and people or Women are seeing these as problematic.
    I might add that it’s starts with society shifting the focus on making marriage an accomplishment…where the pressure is so high that Women will marry anything and will tolerate all for the sake of being seen as a married woman.
    Women need to make their focus on other accomplishments. Having our own money, that gives confidence, self esteem booster, where you can say no to unfair treatments from the opposite sex. Where if you do get marry, the man can appreciate you, respect you, treat you right. Where if you do have a son, he can see mom in a different light and understand that mom like dad deserves and must be respected. That will transcend to women he meets when he too becomes a man.
    We are the societyand the future, it starts with us , here ladies.
    I enjoyed this article.
    BN, thanks for posting it.

    • hawttalkwithtosan.blogspot.ca

      April 28, 2015 at 7:15 pm

      If only a being well paid and highly placed woman will make a Nigerian man respect you. I know a high powered female lawyer married to a high powered entrepreneur in Nigeria who even bought him a Rolex for his birthday yet he beat her up 2 days after. Oh he also cheats like crazy! They are still married and to the world all is well. You would think a woman of that calibre would never take such but lo and behold….This is a deep seeded issue that we as women need to address. Who did this to our self esteem biko?

  19. mrs chidukane

    April 28, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    This article is spot on! I’m guilty of jumping queues sha,lol. When I was a little girl my cousins and people that lived with us would always point out that my younger brother is higher than me because he’s male and so I should wash his clothes and do his chores. I always felt like hitting them. I used to tell my husband that I do his laundry cos I love him and want him to look good, not because I am his chattel. This is the reason men don’t do well as widowers. The only life skill many of them possess is making money. Don’t get me started on the ego and pride thing.

    • Liz

      April 28, 2015 at 4:34 pm

      yesss yesss @Mrs Chiduakane..that last senence is everything. We need to do drinks girl and just rant all night. ahaha..YESSSSSS

  20. polypoly

    April 28, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    gbam!!!!!!

    This paragraph here…bravo!!! do we have the same brother??? lol

    “They go to the best schools in LAGOS, live in an amazing house, but have no clue what the role of a man is. You never here my brother (their dad) tell them they are loved. He is always shouting at their mother. He is always going out in the evenings (without their mother). I dont think he has ever hugged any of his children. They have been fooled (alongside million other men) that a man is defined on the scale of his bank account. Because they go to to the best schools and have a lavish lifestyle. That should be enough for them to become men”

  21. Buki

    April 28, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    True story here…I was at an event and got into an argument with my husband.Some people noticed and came to interfere that i should calm down, the men where shouting that dont you know that you are a woman, you should beg him.the women were saying that you should be happy that you have a husband and started hitting me.That is how i turn mara!!!! i scattered the whole place and started shouting that no one begged them to interfere and mind their f**cing bizness.The madness i threw made everyone else calm down.They were so shocked that they were even embarrassed that they interfered in the first place.i wouldn’t have behaved like this but the insults they threw at me just because i was a woman was so repulsive you would have thot i was at fault..I have seen women thrown out just because no one can even come to their aide.And yes i and my husband are still married.He himself just calmed down because he was at fault.Not that what i did was right, my point is how we treat women according to our upbringing..

    • Jane Public

      April 28, 2015 at 4:18 pm

      Sorry, but arguing with anyone, to the extent total strangers came to intervene is in poor taste. husband or not. Even more in poor taste when it is a spouse, knowing you both are going home together and you can continue behind close doors. I would say the same thing to your husband too. Yes we all have our crazy days, but public display of madness isn’t anything to be proud of. Respecting yourself and your husband is important, just as men shouldn’t be coming down hard on their wives in public, it is embarrassing and not cool.. Imagine if your children were present, is that a good example? One of you should have put a lid on it and continued at home. You went to the extend of scattering the whole place and shouting, too, my word, are you two years old, throwing a tantrum. Not a good example to give in this situation, because you are just as wrong as the strangers that came to intervene. No offense.

    • Jane Public

      April 28, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      *extent

    • blackcoffee

      April 28, 2015 at 4:32 pm

      You shouldn’t behave like that towards your husband in public again, very distasteful

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:34 am

      So you didn’t hear that her husband was arguing with her too? I’m telling you man-worshipping is real in this country

    • Culprit

      April 28, 2015 at 4:53 pm

      ee a culprit here
      Many are “unmarriageable”
      If you cant respect yourself to be married, go marry yourself, marry a girl or remain single in your fathers house

      Buki, you are a disgrace to the entire yoruba race
      You have no manners, whatsoever
      Your husband tried, if na me i for woze you make u wake up to reality

    • Stephanie-feld

      April 28, 2015 at 5:08 pm

      Domestic abuser alert!

    • Carliforniabawlar

      April 28, 2015 at 6:49 pm

      We argue, you woze me…We get home, I fix you dinner….you never woke up… Okay, maybe the Christian in me would let you wake up…in a pool of your own sh*t…best believe that asswipe!

    • Lilo

      April 29, 2015 at 2:24 am

      Just don woze the wrong woman sha…cos dead people don’t tell tales.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:35 am

      You are a disgrace to the Yoruba race. Wife beater. Oshi. Try it and see. Waa ku danu ni. Ode.

    • Asgrl

      April 28, 2015 at 4:58 pm

      Fighting outside of your home, in public? Now that just tactless! Even if your husband is at fault.

    • Lilo

      April 29, 2015 at 2:27 am

      Sone men only understand public display of madness. You talk to them with tact, they can’t comprehend. You throw your wrapper off and hear butt them, they cooperate.

  22. ogeAdiro

    April 28, 2015 at 4:04 pm

    Don’t judge Naija men too harshly. The Naija environment is not conducive to gentlemen. Funny thing is that sometimes, the poorer we are, as guys, the bigger our egos…lol. Odiro easy mehn..! You won’t understand.

    • Pat

      April 28, 2015 at 5:28 pm

      ” the Naija environment is not conductive to Naija men” LOL. I love that u bring some humor into this :),

  23. William

    April 28, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    The truth is that our behaviors actually have a lot to do with our upbringing. People that grow up in abusive homes with controlling fathers tend to associate that behavior to love. Really humans don’t want to be happy, we want what is familiar and this causes us to replicate even the most disgusting traits. Isn’t it ironic how most perpetrators of domestic violence are ex-victims. Our society constantly reinforces male dominance and female submission so as we get exposed to newer ideas of how to live to tear down the old structure, resistance is to be expected and that is why these violence and other such traits are on the rise. Also there is the question of women that help to further these unskillful ways. I know how many conversation I have been in when women will say ‘if you want that type of girl, go and marry oyibo’. They are not helping matters. There is also the issue of desperation for marriage caused by families and the society at large forcing women to settle with anything with a penis in the name of husband. This imbalance in the relationship pool gives men a sense of entitlement like they are doing the woman some kind of favor which gives them a license to act out. It also doesn’t help that a woman is seen to have failed in marriage after a divorce which makes her some sort of ‘damaged’ person. This pretty much kills her chance for the future and oh if she has a child, na problem be that. It is just all around a bad deal for women in this country and neither men or women themselves are doing enough to change it. Odi egwu.

    • Pat

      April 28, 2015 at 5:57 pm

      NA real ” Odi egwu”.

    • jennietobbie

      April 28, 2015 at 9:26 pm

      Honey, yes to this!!!! “The truth is that our behaviors actually have a lot to do with our upbringing.” Jesus fix it!!!!!!!

    • Bolu

      April 29, 2015 at 11:23 pm

      Pheadra Parks in the building ” Jesus fix it”

  24. Thatgidigirl

    April 28, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Dr Morfin, is that you? “These girls in their single years hop from club to club, drinking alcohol…..” This is the height of double standards, so a man can do all this in his single years and still be responsible in marriage but a woman can’t ? And the bit about girls who have lived abroad having a bit of an ego issue….that’s just in your head hun. perhaps you should check deep down, its possible that they give u a complex.

  25. m

    April 28, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    That’s how my father in law came to my house and tell me my 4yr old son is the second after my husband. I told my husband, he told me that is what he use to tell his mum becos they are all boys so she come last. I told him dat will not happen here. He needs to hang dat silly culture in naija before he gets here. It won’t work. He hates to see my kids hug and kiss their dad. He said they won’t respect him. Can you imagine? Naija men need help

    • DayoI

      April 28, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      Something similar happened when I was a child. My dad told a joke, and I said my dad was funny. That’s how someone said, “No o, you dont say your dad is funny. That’s disrespectful”. Imagine rubbish. What do you then call someone who tells a good joke?

      Another one sef…
      My dad was never the type of dad who demanded us to kneel for him to greet him. We always high-fived, even in front of guests. Then some people would be looking at us with one corner corner eye like this…kmt.
      Till today, we still high-five, kiss him, hug him etc. whilst holding the greatest amount of respect, possible, and each having very close relationships with him. He treated us like children, not slaves, and for that I am truly grateful. I couldn’t have a better father.

      I just hope that some Nigerian men and women begin to realise that respect cannot be forced. If you have a father who doesn’t pay attention to you/hits you anyhow, no matter how much kneeling the children did/do, they may not have the same amount of love or respect for him.

  26. Idomagirl

    April 28, 2015 at 4:29 pm

    FINALLY!!!!!! An article on Nigerian men! I was sick of the endless ‘ladies do this and that’ articles.

    Ink you’ve said it all there’s nothing more to add.

  27. New Generation

    April 28, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    This article is hilarious

    1 What you detest, others are craving for
    Why were the S/A killing other blacks, one of the reasons is cos others are dating/marrying their girls. If you think Nigerian men are the worst go to other places. What you detest, other people are craving for.

    2. Good and bad people everywhere.
    There are good and bad people all over the world,( be it the blacks, whites, greens, yellows). To think some attitudes are peculiar to nigerian men makes you shallow. How many countries have you gone to? How many men of other nationals have you interacted with or dated?Did you just read of that MUA Zainab’s engagement and how other girls were oh-ing and ah-ing in the comment section? That tells you that there are good people and bad people everywhere. if it is only the bad people you have met or been meeting, then you need deliverance.

    3. Create a man that suits you
    These article is raised from a selfish point of view. a. you are single, need a husband, b. you have your likes and dislikes and want a man that can fit in to your wish.

    My friend, you can not create a man to suit yourself. You as an individual has unique traits, so also does everyone has his cos everyone is a product of different background, values, school, religious setting e.t.c. You cannot expect anyone to fit into your dream. But in case no man fits into your dream, i recommend you to go to a potters house to mould one for yourself.

    4. Are you willing to shift ground?
    This generation of ladies want the man to be this, to be that. They want the man to do some chores, do this do that, which is nothing to me as an individual. (Everyone irrespective of gender should know how to atleast cook, clean your house and be responsible.) But if you talking really about equality, hoe you are willing to do everything 50/50? share the bills, pay rent together, spend your salary together, pay your husbands dowry, and do everything 50/50? If you want it 50/50, then it should be 50/50 across board not just in one area.

    5. Who is the main cuplrit here?
    Who does the child spend time with more? Is it not the mother? In as much as it is the duty of both parents to raise the child up. Do your duty and stop complaining

    6. To single out your brother and father out of your so called Nigerian men makes me wonder what kind of illusion you have or maybe you are in dreamland

    regards

    • Liz

      April 28, 2015 at 5:10 pm

      My dear come and live in Nigeria for a year..and you will understand why these beautiful women are singling out their brothers and Fathers.

      #withlove

    • WarriChic

      April 28, 2015 at 5:34 pm

      “New Generation” indeed!

      1. So because some people in the world are desperate to be married to *any* man – the foolish and wise, good and bad – we should be take rubbish from men because we will be lucky to get *chosen* by the scarce commodity that is a husband? Ok doc.

      2. Yes there are good and bad men everywhere. But unlike some modern societies, Nigerian men continue to get rewarded for bad behaviour. The male entitlement needs to stop!

      3. Sure, we cannot create a man that suits us, But we can know what we want and expect from a man and not settle for less. Basic realistic expectations such as faithfulness, respect and not a woman beater etc

      4. Yes many women are willing to split the bills etc. That is what we are getting an education and good careers for. Most households cannot survive on one income these days.

      5. Yes mothers raise the men. That is why we have seen the problem and are going to make things better for the future.

      6. You are the one in dreamland. Bye felicia.

    • Asgrl

      April 28, 2015 at 7:03 pm

      And a lot of times its the woman/wife with the Job funding the husband’s pipe dreams and get money quick schemes!

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:47 am

      I swear down! This person is like APC, shouting change when Tinubu and OBJ are still running things. Not only new generation, it’s new generator.

    • Sabifok

      April 28, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      You could not have said it better. All these unrealistic females who are wanting an identikit one-size-fits-all man are just being pretentious and unrealistic.

      GFOH

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:49 am

      Sabifok… (No wonder the name. I see you’re shopping for customers on here hence you’re trying so hard to appease the men)….

      So because someone asks for men to be responsible and act like adults, they are looking for a one size fits all??? You need help. Troll.

  28. Oh well

    April 28, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    Let me just say this here. Asides my father, I don’t know any other responsible Nigerian man. Not even my grandfather, in my opinion.. He had three wives. I have met the most disgusting men on God’s earth and they are all Nigerian. Men who would have a wife at home and would camp sidechics in hotels close to their homes. The ones who offer to pay for sex when they can easily go home to their wives. The type that beat you up just because you caught them cheating and the ones that have no single respect for you as a woman and your goals and aspirations. Men you cannot even have as friends because every time you might need some favor its an avenue to exploit you sexually. See, I have had it with Nigerian men. I won’t even blame their parents, some were brought up in very good homes and just decide to act the fool when they make one small money and become their own “man” … I think men should collectively come together and talk to themselves. They need to counsel themselves and see that it won’t kill them to treat a woman well. I mean, save for a few nutcases, I do not think if you as a man treats a woman with respect and dignity, she would act up on you. Men should remember that tomorrow, they will also have daughters, and karma does exist. Men should please learn to train themselves. Everything is not about making money and commanding “bitches” and all…. Respect yourselves abeg.

  29. Asgrl

    April 28, 2015 at 5:03 pm

    When Naija women stop treating marriage as the sum total of their existence, and as a result settle for men who are less than, all of this will stop. Your sons are reflection of you and the useless man you choose to procreate with.

    I would rather be single for the rest of my days than subject my children to such an environment.

    I can do misery on my own just fine, I don’t need another human being to help me waste my productive life and eggs.

    I’m 30+ year old woman saying this. And before all the naysayers land, please believe that I’m living my best life as ordained by God. If and when God decides I’ll be married, it will be someone who adds to my purpose filled life and I reciprocate for him and not to someone who will try to diminish my light.

    • Asgrl

      April 28, 2015 at 7:02 pm

      Like yoruba people will say, akoba adaba, Olorun maje a’ ri. (May God not let you meet the person that fucks your future). I see so many Nigerian women in their late 20’s, early 30’s to mid 30’s settling for “fokboys”, all so they can say they are married. Only to be divorced 2 years later, with a baby and an absent baby daddy. Its really not that serious abeg.

    • BlueEyed

      April 28, 2015 at 8:41 pm

      I totally agree.

      Sometime back I was in a long distance relationship with an “enlightened and well educated” Nigerian man. On one of my visits, we got to spend time together and boy was I surprised. Although I have lived abroad a long while, I was raised quite exceptionally well….but this dude took it far when he said “If you truly want me to marry you, then you have to reduce this your level of sophistication, I need you to be rough around the edges”….. Suffice to say on my trip back…he received a text and that was the end of that charade. Firstly, I have never thought of marriage as the it all, my happiness is not dependent on another individual. Secondly, I was surprised that coming from someone who is enlightened and spends most of his summers abroad still thought in the lines of this stupidity.

    • jide

      April 29, 2015 at 1:56 pm

      There are great men out there. But there are some unfortunate ones as well. If a man willl be the reason why a woman will lose her sanity and all she ever worked for (and vice versa) then I agree, it’s not even worth it catching a case or bagging mugshots because of one anyone

  30. Theurbanegirl

    April 28, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    Sorry abeg but what if the condoms were for his wife? Don’t be quick to judge.

  31. Moi

    April 28, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    THis article is so spot on!!! The last point especially! SIGH… SAD SIGH…..

  32. nene

    April 28, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    this is so accurate, especially
    1. Domestic Skills (or lack thereof)
    2. igbo men are everything you have said and more, very arrogant and proud

  33. pornhub

    April 28, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    @Thatgidigirl….you really do have a thing for Dr morfin..

  34. Tracy

    April 28, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    I am happily married to an amazing Nigerian man. Not a janded Naija guy o! Born and raised in Lagos and he is the most thoughtful, loving, responsible and amazing man I have ever met. I honestly believe he is God’s gift to me for every emotionally abusive, immature, selfish man I have ever suffered to love. I give thanks to my mother-in-law everyday for raising such a wonderful man who is making this woman very happy. And I in turn am doing my best to raise my son to be the kind of man who would make some girl very happy one day.

    Are there some rubbish Nigerian men? Absolutely, just as there are rubbish Nigerian women. But when I look at my pool of male friends and relatives, they are wonderful well-behave men who make their wives and children very happy. If you find yourself surrounded by rubbish Nigerian men or women all the time, my dear, you need new friends.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      April 28, 2015 at 6:57 pm

      Oh Tracy.. Please occupy a HUGE hall at Pinewood Hotel Owerri and let us hear word. This has NOTHING to do with your seemingly perfect, amazing family and in laws. Yes, there are exceptions to everything but we all know that the badly behaved men are in the majority so telling folks here to get new friends reeks of superiority complex. We all cannot say with great authority that all Nigerian men are bad but speaking about the culture that reinforces the bad behaviours in our men is what this topic is on about.

    • Frankly frank

      April 28, 2015 at 8:17 pm

      She just said the truth
      Not all ladies are ignorant like you
      Be thinking there is no good man while your colleagues are with the best men, done giving birth and their kids call you by name

    • Tracy

      April 28, 2015 at 10:33 pm

      My apologies if it came across as smug, wasn’t my intention. What I was trying to say is that we women don’t do ourselves any favors if we begin with the mindset that Nigerian men are….. I honestly believe that you subconsciously attract those very men you hate to yourself when you have that attitude AND you are so busy being exasperated with the useless Nigerian men that you fail to see the one gem of a Nigerian man that may fall within your radar.

      I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my Prince and what helped me was a change of perspective. I decided that irrespective of how many rubbish guys were out there, I knew a lot of great guys: friends and relatives. Good men exist, I just needed to decide that I deserved a good man and eventually I would find one. And as I got older my definition of a “good man” gradually changed. Six-pack don’t pay the bills o! A good husband shows love, provides for his family and protects the people he loves. Simples.

    • Nuna

      April 28, 2015 at 7:15 pm

      OMG I thought I was the one typing! Responsible Nigerian men are extremely few and I am most grateful to be married to one born and bred in Lagos, by a widowed mother. Hopefully I can raise my own boys to be more than the man their father is.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:56 am

      Not acknowledging that you are in a more unusual pool of men is self deceit. Are your colleagues and ex schoolmates as amazing as your husband??? I don’t think so!
      Imagine you wrote about the other guys and someone just assumed you didn’t know good Nigerian men… Instead of you to acknowledge your privilege and reason with the article, you’re here to act superior.

    • Tracy

      April 30, 2015 at 10:51 am

      Sorry but I do not think I am in an unusual pool of men. You essentially want me to say that the majority of Nigerian men are badly behaved and I categorically do not agree with that and I think it is immature to make that assertion.

      I stand by my earlier point, the vast MAJORITY of Nigerian men I know, are DECENT men. They are wonderful husbands and fathers who wake up everyday to fight for their families. I make bold to say that 80% of Nigerian men fall within this category. And this includes everyone from my husband to my brother-in-laws to my electrician and office manager and even my mechanic!

      It is a gross insult to all of the men who wake up everyday and are trying their best to denigrate their efforts with a collective “You are all useless men”. Do I agree that mothers need to do a better job of raising well-behaved men AND women. Absolutely. This is not a Nigerian man problem. A lot of us Nigerians, male and female, are abysmally behaved. If most of the Nigerian men you know are rubbish, my sympathies.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      April 29, 2015 at 3:36 pm

      Tracy, sorry if I came across as harsh or combative. The point of my comment was let’s stay on topic. It is a general discussion. I cannot say that I’ve had too many experiences with some of the horrid Nigerian men we hear about. I know these things exist and the topic is to talk about it. Making it personal by saying “I honestly believe that you subconsciously attract those very men you hate to yourself when you have that attitude AND you are so busy being exasperated with the useless Nigerian men that you fail to see the one gem of a Nigerian man that may fall within your radar”
      is a bit off the topic. It isn’t about all of that. We are having a dicussion about a culture that raises and reinforces men who aren’t mentally strong. Who are easily intimidated by the littlest of things.( again this doesn’t mean every Nigerian man is this way)

      Do we have good, wonderful men out there? Of course we do. This topic however isn’t about them. Everyone wants a decent, kind man. Today the advice on how we should open our minds and what we attract is inconsequential. “But sometimes your light attracts moths, and your warmth attracts parasites. Protect your space and energy.” Warsan Shire

      This is about how we can raise better men. How we women need to stop enabling such horrific behaviors. When such a topic arises where we are open to discuss the wonderful men some of us have had the opportunity to meet and date then we can talk about it. Your comment sounded like a dismissal of what so many women are going through in the hands of our men. To me that is isn’t right and reeks of someone riding on some high horse.

    • NinKyOr

      May 6, 2015 at 11:52 pm

      How nice for you and fortunate, that you found the nice guy and are only surround by immaculate male family members. Full disclosure: I am married to a Non-Nigerian, not because I decided I DIDN’T want a Nigerian guy but just because that’s who I’m with. I know Naija guys who seem cool (at least from the outside), even dated one that I may have married before, but things didn’t work out. Every human, ethnic group, gender has their faults. But honestly from my experience the ones that Naija guys carry is astounding (or maybe just more than I personally can not handle). But this doesn’t make me automatically rule out an individual just because they’re Nigerian, or make me blindly endorse the concept that people simply shouldn’t check for Naija guys.

      But I agree with this article because from my Father, to Uncles, Brothers, Cousins, 2nd Cousins, Great Uncles… I have observed pretty much a good amount of the characteristics that the articles discusses. So please forgive the rest of us who can’t ‘find a new circle of friends’ or in this case a new circle of our whole damn family. I won’t accuse you of living in a bubble with 1000-count wool over your eyes, but it’s hard to imagine that just because your daily reality is seemingly blissful, you can’t have seen or heard behaviors such as what this articles highlights.

      That just because you’ve never been a ‘victim’ yourself you can’t understand that other ‘victims’ are not the cause of their plight. Which is what your comment implies. . And that you’ve somehow succeeded at life by choosing your circle of friends, while the rest of us are the losers making bad decisions. Abeg!

      To be honest, I am AFRAID of the Nigerian man because like I said for me these issues are deeply ingrained in my family (which is pretty much the only interaction I have with Nigerian men these days). I do believe the responsibility of the challenge and the change lies both with the men and the women. My brothers and cousins see nothing but validation for their bad behaviors, and all they know is the way their fathers and uncles act, and how the women do not ‘leave’ or ‘take a stand’ but instead just live in hostile environments for the sake of the ‘family’

      This article just notes some of the cry for help I’ve been having with regards to Nigerian men, not because I hate that, but because I love them. They are my fathers, brothers, and could be my sons (if I had boys). I feel a fear and responsibility to break the cycle, but with my kid now who is a girl and any future kids I raise boy or girl. If we hated or were envious of Nigerian men as people are alluding to, why would we even bother writing about wanting change for the positive? We would just side eye them and keep shit moving.

  35. Mz Socially Awkward...

    April 28, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Comments are on point today! In fact, I just dey refresh the page dey go.

    One phenomenon, Ink, which always baffles me (in fact, it perplexes me to the point of confuzzlement) is how automatically Nigerian men change when they marry Caucasian women. Sister, it’s like an “on” switch exists somewhere inside the brother’s soul and he suddenly realizes his gawdawful ways to magically repent. So tay, he go change diaper, do house chores, hold her hand when they walk together in town, tell her “I’m sorry”, let her have her nights out in town with the gals… one day a friend of mine even saw our Naija bros walking his girlfriend’s little schnauzer and we marvelled. Then the cute little pooch even did its business and our brethren had the doggy bag ready to pick up the poop, as the law prescribes. People, I promise you that we had to frame the mental picture in our heads for continued later reference because we never thought we would ever live to see the day.

    So what exactly is this enchantment practised by my oyibo sisters which is sure to produce such good behaviour? Please feel free to insert sarcasm in the measure that you desire….

    • Asgrl

      April 28, 2015 at 7:00 pm

      Hmmm not all the time, there are a lot of Nigerian men who do drive by procreation with Oyinbo women. Now their kids are looking for them all over the internet in their adult years. I thought this was something that was common to Nigerians who studied abroad in in 50s, 60s, 70s. Nope, young men of my generation are being deadbeat dads.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      April 28, 2015 at 8:34 pm

      Nne, I’ve witnessed those ones too and it’s God alone that will punish them for that evil. Horrible human beings…

      The ones wey dey stay sha, tend to not stoop to such inconsiderate behaviour like beating their wives or expecting her to cook/clean around the clock… dem dey even carry all the shopping bags when you see them in the supermarket. Iz a real wonder to me.

    • Lilo

      April 29, 2015 at 2:14 am

      Can I ehug you for this comment? Forgginn naija men all of a sudden are domesticated when they are with Caucasians women. Awon oloshi. The same mofo you dated who couldn’t pack his plates after eating all of a sudden is doing dishes and laundry for oyinbo woman. The same dude wanna stay friends with you just to have access to ayamashe and ofada rice anytime he feels like eating it. No homie…you married Tiffany, now go eat her Pasta or find a naija restaurant to meet your egusi needs. Some mothers have miserably failed in raising some of these lousy Nigerian men.

    • Bleed Blue

      April 29, 2015 at 11:19 am

      Hahahahaha!!! You people have finished me with laughter oh!

      You said whaaaaaaaaa? He wants ofada? After he went and married Tiffany?!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 10:58 am

      1. Kpali
      2. To collect $
      3.. Temporary fascination

    • ShineShineShine

      April 29, 2015 at 12:38 pm

      @ Mz S, Oh so true about a switch somewhere in the Naija brodas brain when they get with the Caucasian woman. My fiiiine friend told me me dis silly story and l laughed so hard l almost choked. So, fine boy so used to women falling over themselves over him met this Oyinbo chick he had fancied for a long time . Finally, he got a date out of her, on the day, he wasn’t feeling too well. So, he called chick up to say he wasn’t feeling too good, can’t they reschedule? Cos my guy was so used to naija babes rushing over to cook pepper soup anytime he came up with that sub story, he said he expected the girl to agree to stop by since he wasn’t feeling well. Trust oyinbo chick, he said she calmly told him to call her when he feels better! My guy said his brain retired itself and he quickly said he’ll manage. They still went on the date and bobo survived it. They actually had a long relationship. But guess what? bobo naija couldn’t cope cos babe just wasn’t home for his bullshit. He jejely married a naija babe who is fine, and as JP said, brings steak to the table too but joyfully holds their two babies in each hand while pounding yam with her leg so she does not rock the boat!

  36. Ndidi

    April 28, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    I am here for this article. But my focus, will be on domestic skills. Why can’t a grown man fix simple meals for himself when he is hungry? Even if your mom did not teach you, can’t you teach yourself (youtube videos hello) ? Nothing wrong in chefing it up for your husband/fiancé/boyfriend frequently, but what about days when she is over-worked, tired or simply can’t cook for some reason or the other. I know a man who will never ever enter the kitchen because “it is a woman’s duty”. Now some women agree to be housewives better termed full-time home maker, but some men will over-abuse or over-use her till all her energy is exhausted (and show no gratitude). I think some men think they are doing a woman a favor by marrying her.
    In this time and age where women are stepping up their game in their education, work ethic; you will find out that both a man and woman will equally have a busy work schedule. I suggest that nigerian men or men in general also learn
    simple domestic skills when times get hectic rather than throwing the entire task on the woman.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      April 28, 2015 at 8:53 pm

      Back after my dinner for this article. What you say here, “I think some men think they are doing a woman a favor by marrying her” – so true. So true. And what other culture do you see that happening? As in, I don’t understand it because the man sef knew that it was not good for somebody to be rolling around his vitafoam mattress all by himself so he went out to find a co-inhabitant of his life, home and bedroom. So… what is the favour you’re doing to another that you’re not benefiting from? I no get am, at all.

      A friend of mine is currently being stalked (no joke, dude has ascended to stalker levels) by this Nigerian chap who honestly sounds like he has a mental imbalance and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. What I’m trying to say is that he has been on her case for aeons and she’s told him, “no thanks” – politely at first but when politeness wasn’t getting her anywhere then she had to step her tone up. He started with trying to get her to enter an arranged marriage with him for papers because he was in danger of being deported and when she refused, he began to send her abusive messages. Then he seemed to simmer down and told her that he truly loves her and always has (his papers were sorted out by whatever means at this point). When she didn’t bite, he returned to abuse. The text messages (of love and other things) just come in now without her responding because the last time she tried to dissuade him, he retorted by asking what she was feeling like when he knows that in Aberdeen, her and all her mature friends are praying to God for a husband. So she stopped responding.

      Now ask me what other society in the world will continue to instil a belief in men like this one, without a single redeeming quality, that they are God’s gift to a woman’s life? Is this one not clearly going to transform into a wife-beater after marriage?? So what’s in it for her? I’ve repeatedly advised the babe to report him to the police for harassment so that he understands he’s no longer in Lagos where he can misbehave… but you get my point.

    • mrs chidukane

      April 29, 2015 at 6:46 pm

      I came back for the comments. You guys have said it all. Nigerian men are wonderful. They think they’re God’s gift to women. I thank God for the good one he blessed me with but like someone said, six pack doesn’t pay the bills. Know the non-negotiable qualities and stick to it but make sure they’re the things that matter. For me, it’s character. Everything after that is Jara

  37. bee

    April 28, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    wonderful article..if you don’t fall into this category then disregard it…

  38. bee

    April 28, 2015 at 6:44 pm

    This article is very apt and nails Nigerian men to a tee…she missed out some salient points but I won’t even bother to mention them, so as not to double down on nija men….Nigerians here in the US are the crassesst ppl around…..whatever you were in nija is exacerbated as soon as you land the American soil…they are loud, angry, overbearing, rude, brash, unforgiving, vindictive, mean spirited and you name it..yet we claim we are the most religious ppl on the planet…American attorneys have rejected some Nigerians bcos of their wicked ways..Nigerians are the only demographic that report each to the department of homeland security..i am veering off a little but I am happy this young lady wrote this article…A Nigerian man was so rude to me recently that I was literally in shock..he was parked in the handicapped section, and I blocked him slightly at a jam packed event..he proceeded to tell me in front of my children that I was very stupid and ignorant for doing that (remember this man was parked in a handicapped spot that is a no no and comes with at least a $250-$500 fine)…I looked at him and contemplated keeping quiet,.. he proceeded to use some more profanity, and was relentless….but suffice it to say that by the time I was done with him and quietly gave him a brief counseling session he stared at me looking quite crestfallen..

    Some Nija men do not know how to cook and have no desire to do so..they work their wives to the bone..many nija women pay most of the bills and are so tired and drawn..my ibo brothers will go to Nigerian nursing schools with a list of names looking for any mugu nurses that will fall prey to them…this is why the divorce rate in the US between nurses and their nija husbands are so high…

  39. Arike

    April 28, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    Thank God someone finally raised this issue,that was how i was on my own jejely on. NYSC parade ground some months back when an insane dude pulled my braids and asked me to pack it in a bun,i warned him sternly never to touch my hair while at it,i heard a loud mouth from behind saying i wonder how a Man want to control this one……..i dont get it!its ok for him to pull my hair but it wrong for me to talk because hez a guy,i just shake my head for naija guys

  40. Busola Adedire

    Oluwabusola Adedire

    April 28, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    Until those mumies and aunties stop pressuring women into marriage, until we stop hearing phrases like ‘don’t be too choosy’, until the society stops looking down on single women and divorced mums like they have a curse on their head… this madness will not cease. I’m not even 25 yet but I have been on the receiving end of marriage pressure masked as ‘prayer points’ from people. it looks like there is a ‘marriageable’ age band in the Nigerian society. I am not ready to do forever with a man who does not understand or respect the family unit. I don’t want children who are messed up psychologically. My dear people, I have seen patriarchy face to face and I doubt if we can do much with the men we have now. However, we can do better for our children. Nigerian women, please redefine your values because far too many of us are enablers. One question, why are Nigerian men emotionally cold like showing emotions or vulnerability is for wimps? I can’t rationalize it. And no, this is not fairy tale thinking. A woman married to a cold man will eventually resent him.

  41. whatwillbewillbe

    April 28, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    When an article is published about the male gender, it is “another man bashing” article, when an article is published about tribalism, it is another “Igbo bashing Yoruba or Igbo pity party article” *deep sigh*
    This is not to say that all who expressed their annoyance in these articles haven’t raised some salient points, but I’m sure we can do better. Both genders and all tribes can do better, there just might be one or two things that we can take away from some of these articles if we would only open our hearts and minds to correction. There is sooooooo much we as the next generation can correct, in fact must correct if we are to move forward. The established ways must change, we are after all in the era of change abi?
    Men, please in this era that we are, you are no longer seen as our god (sorry Toyin oh), we are all gods now, this shouldn’t take away from the part that a woman should be submissive to the husband. The big deal now will be in the definition of the term “submissive’ and a man must care for and protect the wife, this isn’t only achieved by being the bread winner of the family. you can be winning puff puff, but you must be able to PROTECT your wife. We also may need to define Protection.
    All the tribes, biko we are fought the war long ago before most of us on most of these platforms were even born, the issues weren’t addressed and I am afraid we are condemned to repeating the same mistakes if care is not taken. If the players of that era have to decided to shroud everything in secrecy, we can do our research, read read read, talk about it and make meaningful contributions and hope they work. We can definitely start from purging our minds and hearts of all preconceived hatred and stereotypes (if we really think about it sef , they don’t make sense. I mean what is ofe mmanu and why is it offensive, what is omo Igbo and why is offensive. I even think the only thing offensive should be maloo because I think they are likened to Cows).
    This change we all yearn for in all aspects of our lives can occur, it must however start with the man in the mirror. We must all be willing to make painful decisions, that is the only way to challenge this status quo.

  42. m

    April 28, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    Nigerian women caused it too. My mother in law got mad at me cos my hubby is changing our baby’s diaper, cooking while I was away. She told my hubby “so you can change diaper? When I was having u guys your dad slept in a different room’ she asking him ‘why are you washing the bathroom when your wife is here? I told her’ mummy I worked 12hrs x4days. Ko easy ma I can’t do all by myself’. afi ti n bafe Ku. My hubby told her we do things different here. She gave me attitude for ant 5days. I just ignored her. Life is too short to be bother by any silly culture

    • Lilo

      April 29, 2015 at 2:07 am

      Sounds like your mother in law can use Valium in her tea…she will be too sleepy to notice who is changing diapers from who is washing the floor.

    • tt

      April 29, 2015 at 11:32 am

      Too funny

    • ShineShineShine

      April 29, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      You are sooooo wicked. Go girl!

  43. fay

    April 28, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    This article is very apt and nails Nigerian men to a tee…..This is just an addendum to Janepublic’s well stated comment..Nigerian men in the US are the something else..my husband recently told me that nija men were complaining that nija women in America are not submissive like their conterparts in Nija…Nija women …..whatever you were in nija is exacerbated as soon as you land the American soil…some of the men..let me not say all to give credit to the few that dare to be nice and gracious… are loud, angry, overbearing, rude, brash, unforgiving, vindictive, mean spirited and you name it..yet we are meant to be some of the most religious ppl on the planet…I am happy this young lady wrote this article…A Nigerian man was so rude to me recently that I was literally in shock..he was parked in the handicapped section, and I blocked him slightly at a jam packed event..he proceeded to tell me in front of my children that I was very stupid and ignorant for doing that (remember this man was parked in a handicapped spot that is a no no and comes with at least a $250-$500 fine)…I looked at him and contemplated keeping quiet,.. he proceeded to use some more profanity, and was relentless….but suffice it to say that by the time I was done with him and quietly gave him a brief counseling session he stared at me looking quite crestfallen..

    Some Nija men do not know how to cook and have no desire to do so..they work their wives to the bone..many nija women pay most of the bills and are so tired and drawn..my ibo brothers will go to Nigerian nursing schools with a list of names looking for any mugu nurses that will fall prey to them…this is why the divorce rate in the US between nurses and even other professional women and their nija husbands are so high…

  44. kaycee

    April 28, 2015 at 8:06 pm

    It is about time I join this convo. Firt things first, Nigerian ladies are good enablers. Just bcos I ride a decent car and live comfortably shouldn’t make you desperate. I have bare girls come over to my place and started cooking, cleaning, washing and even suggesting to bring food for me from time to time. I usually don’t appreciate dem when they do this, cos I didn’t solicit for thier help in doing any of my household chores and guess what? they keep doing.

    The truth naija men are in hot demand, all across europe and Africa. During my Uni day in UK, naija boys were the in thing. Nigerian ladies either need to go hard or go home. I once invited a naija lady to my home, and when I decided to get down with her, I realise she wasw wearing the most unromantic panties and lingerie, I have ver seen (pant seven color and yoky bra). Few pointer to Nigeria ladie:

    1. Don’t be desperate, every right thinking man can sense that, and might decide to take advantage of U
    2 Swith up ur sex game (Don’t wear dem old saggy pants and bra)
    3 Keep fit
    4 Seriously pray, cos thier are too many bad mens out there

    • Sass

      April 28, 2015 at 9:53 pm

      You did not go to school in the UK. Iro oshi. See the dirty and dead spelling errors you made all in the bid to tell a girl to wear a nice bra.

    • Lilo

      April 29, 2015 at 2:05 am

      Wait till you see some graduate from some crass schools in Peckham…haha

    • kelechi

      April 29, 2015 at 6:43 am

      Na una go complain. But when advised is ditched out, u fail to take correction. Pay attention to the lessons and forget the typographical error.

    • wozer

      April 29, 2015 at 10:09 am

      Your own construction is worse.
      if you are guilty of wearing dirty bras, change!

  45. jalord

    April 28, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Well I agree with most of the analysis here. But only a naive person will put all Nigerian men in one box. Men are men everywhere, there is still domestic violence in the advanced societies. If the men in those societies are better than Nigerian men, there wouldn’t be high level of divorce there, because all men cheat. Don’t compare the Nigeria of the 1960s to today’s Nigeria. Most nigerian women are now lazy in those areas of domestic skills, they want to marry a rich guy so the house maid will do the jobs.
    Majority of the nigerian homes do have maids even when the family are average income earners. As a nigerian guy, I can’t take responsibility for other men’s flaws.

    This is 21st century, women who expect certain qualities in men should search for good husbands or partners themselves and propose to the men rather than continue to stay single and label men are cavemen. You women should do the search of a partner you so desire. These women are not in forced marriages so they should stop complaining. Lol

    I can’t marry most nigerian women of today..
    Good women are hard to find these days.
    I hate dissing nigerian women because they come in different qualities.

    Nigerian women who have nice and loving husbands would disagree to an extent, because the nigerian men they know are hard working, selfless, understanding and co-operative. Do you know how many men sponsored their wives financially through education and some investing huge amount in setting up business for their partner in our tough economy. You have to give some men credit in this country.

    Both men and women cheat! Men don’t have monopoly

    I think most nigerian men are misunderstood!

    • Liz

      April 28, 2015 at 11:16 pm

      Yep…you are a certified Nigerian Man!!! With comments like “do you know how many Nigerian men have sponsored their wives to set up a business” .. before nko…is it her hairdresser that should sponsor her. Is’nt marriage about iron sharpening Iron. Do you know how many wives have had to suffer because their ego filled husband made the wrong business decision( without consulting them) Leaving them to go borrow money from their best friends just to pay school fees…

    • girl

      April 29, 2015 at 7:24 am

      herein lies the problem, everything is about financial provisions for Nigerian men. BIG shame

  46. Frankly frank

    April 28, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Diary of bitter, lonely, hate-full, feministic, unrealistic, day dreaming, ever single, men bashing ladies

    Deal with it, the era of men are here to stay. We rule the world. You can’t turn d tables around. We marry girls, you don’t.

    I would remind you that if naija men were that bad, you wouldn’t be born cos your mother wouldn’t be married to your father in the first place. Also remember that girls marry every Saturday, you buy asoebi of friends every month, your colleagues from school are done giving birth while you are here forming “team men bashers”

    If you live by all this your hatred would have been better, yet you cry every night for a husband, you are constantly depressed, go for altar calls, vigils, mfm delivernce, holy ghost night, Shiloh. These places would have been better, you combine it with consulting hair tangled prophets, white garment visioners and herbalists.

    If I were you, rather than cry, wail, complain and be bitter about men, I would rather remain single, turn lesbian or marry that my saint brother/father.

    Wish the men even read this but sorry they are too busy with important life issues. They are too busy to be thinking who is better- a woman wity cs or woman with vaginal delivery, too busy to be buying fake bags, burning it and calling each other out, too busy to be comoaring if natural hair ia better than weaves, too busy to be team dark girls or team fair girls, too busy to be condeming who wears what or doesnt, too busy to be petty, materialistic and unrealistic.

    Use your energy for something worthwhile or die complaining about men.

    • Arike

      April 28, 2015 at 9:32 pm

      Mr frankly frank if the male folks are so busy with other life issues as you claim,i wonder where you got the time to read up thr article and even dropped a comment….abi since when did Frank become a ladies name

    • Frankly frank

      April 28, 2015 at 10:49 pm

      When has one man become “the men”

      U no go school?

    • hon

      April 29, 2015 at 4:40 pm

      darling Arike, why do you even dignify his comment with a reply, ehn? i’m amazed at some people’s way of thinking

    • Stephanie-feld

      April 28, 2015 at 10:06 pm

      You come here claiming that “the men are too busy with important life issues”. However you (a man) took the time to read and make a comment If you were truly busy you wouldn’t have wasted your time writing an epistle.. What are you? A transvestite?

    • Lilo

      April 29, 2015 at 2:04 am

      The writer obviously struck a raw nerve in you innit? She is not bitter not hateful. She is keeping it real. Some of you Nigerian men are simply worthless. Even as sperm donors, some of you still worthless die

    • wozer

      April 29, 2015 at 10:04 am

      That is d main reason all the good men are running away from you
      its written all over you from all your comments
      No good man can come near you
      Just remain single and be bitter my friend

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 11:11 am

      This fool done lost his mind… Your thinking will be extinct for it has no place in the future!

    • kole

      April 29, 2015 at 2:11 pm

      Who is this troll?

    • Engoz

      April 29, 2015 at 3:44 pm

      You can cry all you want. The thing is Nigerian women have seen una finish and we are not impressed. Patriarchy rules in Nigeria. Patriarchy has not taken us from a undeveloped nation to a developed one. Look at the jajajaga society Nigerian men have created for all of us. The other day grown men were jumping the gate at the house of assembly, the other time dishonorable Bipi brought thugs to fight at Rivers state house of assembly where 5 is greater than 19. It is this same agbero character they carry into their homes. If you don’t think there is INDEED a problem in the way you all are brought up, then something must be wrong in your head.

      Nigerian women need to rise up before this men run us into the lagoon. We have to be very interested in politics as well before Nigerian men RUIN this nation totally.

  47. zizy

    April 28, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    This post is juston point. My bf has an anger issue, I diint understand it till I stayed wit his family a bit, then I saw his dad hit his mum, in my front! And am like” this is where he gts it from’. This is 2015. If u want to claim ur an african not white, den pls stop using technologyand stuff and go to the bush. Then I’d know ur serious. Man my foot!!!!

    • WarriChic

      April 28, 2015 at 11:00 pm

      Darling, you’ll be in the next generation of bunching bag wives if you continue in that relationship.

    • Tobi

      April 29, 2015 at 4:33 pm

      Please pack your bags and some of the sand in that house and say goodbye

  48. anonymous

    April 28, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    While we’re on the subject of enabling. A colleague of mine is dating a director in my office. This has been going on for 2 years, started a few months after his wedding. I won’t talk about the fact that she’s cheap as hell, dating director and managing like the rest of us. I think he gives her a 20k allowance monthly. My challenge is ‘what do I do?” I’m disgusted at her and I don’t even want to talk to her anymore ( and pple think we’re close) but these people try so had to hide the relationship, I just knew cos I saw them somewhere when the relationship started and I know it’s still going on.

    And this friend of mine keeps hoping for a husband . I can’t even look at her cheap ass but the question is ‘what do I say or do?’

    • GoldynGurl

      April 28, 2015 at 9:20 pm

      Tell her like it is. One must come to equity with clean hands. She cannot be praying for a husband and at the same time be playing an active role in destroying another woman’s marriage. Some may argue that she owes the wife no loyalty, but IMO, its precisely such attitudes that debase the value of us women, allowing men to see us as cheap commodities to be used and discarded. Because as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, once your office director has his fill of your co-worker, he will kick her to the curb like yesterday’s trash.

  49. Toks Akisanya

    April 28, 2015 at 9:00 pm

    I read this article and busted out into laughter at how misguided the writer was. I never thought the NIGERIAN MAN could ever be dis misunderstood, or hard to conceptualize. Without writing a book here, i’ll try and respond to some of her issues. Please excuse any of my typos, for i’m writing this on my phone.

    Violence:
    When it comes to the issue of domestic violence, this has never and will never be a Nigerian thing. It’s about anger management, self control and most importantly, LAW. When people can’t control their anger, inflicting pain on another person, it’s because it’s their only resolve. A cowards act. The problem with Nigeria and many third world countries, is that there isn’t enough laws to protect women and others. And where there are laws, they aren’t properly enforced. So it should be of no surprise that when there isn’t fear of retribution, then people will take matters into their own hands. Expecting things to just change and that people with an edge-up, not to take advantage of the weaker is plain unrealistic. We need to compel our government to do better. When we start enforcing the laws, Then a lot of cowardly men would be forced to do better. And this isn’t restricted to violence alone, but also to corruption, robbery, scams and so on. Fixing the law is the number one solution here.

    Cheating:
    Again, I don’t see how this is a problem restricted to just NIGERIAN MEN. Or what scientific experiment have you conducted to figured how we lead in this department. Cheating is a human flaw, it stems from greed. Having and wanting more. Some people are more greedy than others, and it’s an individual thing and not restricted to a certain region or nationality. This is just a case of the grass seeming greener on the other side. Because you are Nigerian, you just see us as worse.

    Saying men learn cheating from their fathers is hilarious. When it comes to love, sex, relationships and so on, our parents are the ones we least emulate.

    The solution here is simple. You just have to date, learn from your mistakes and stick with the guy that gives you the least stress. There is no perfect man. But there is no sense in taking natural flaws by humans and attaching to just Nigerian men, or saying we are the greatest cheaters, that’s simply a lie. All you are doing is having all these poor girls co-sign to an ideology that gives women an excuse to walk away from situations they could salvage or learn from. But I won’t preach here, to each his/her own.

    Domestic Skills:
    With this topic, I won’t speak for all men but myself alone. The problem with the new millennium woman is that she’s caught up between 2 generations. On one hand, a woman likes the idea of a man being a provider, pays for dates, provides for the home in terms of shelter, utilities and so on. But on the second hand, you are looking to be equals with your spouse, sort of like his partner. I don’t care which of these ideals you choose, the problem is you can’t have both.

    You don’t get to date a guy that is self made, pays for everything or most things, move into his home, don’t cook, don’t clean and expect to be his equal. In what world do you live in, fantasy world???. Nah boo, it don’t work like that. If i provide everything, then you better do what I like, or we will never work. Now if you believe in equality, and you pay for all dates equally, you come to the table financially equally, then and only then, would I see you as a partner, and every responsibility in OUR home will be shared equally. God didn’t put me on this earth to just spend on you, relationship is a give and take situation. If you are with a man that you provide for or cater to, and he brings nothing to the table, you should walk away. He isn’t the one for you.

    To what essence is a woman to me, when she brings nothing to the table. Sex isn’t the equalizer, those come a dime a dozen. A guy doesn’t have to get married to get sex. So if we exclude sex, we exclude domestic stuff, then please tell me what value you bring to a man’s life, especially one that already owns his own home.. And no cliches please, don’t wanna hear companionship or adviser crap. We aren’t lonely. What is your value?

    This also extends to the whole, it’s my way or the highway. If I provide everything, why won’t I feel like I should make every decision. That’s why you have to bring something to the table. You don’t try and marry Adenuga’s or Dangote’s sons and bring nothing to the table, and expect to be considered a partner. Women from previous generations had the excuse of not being educated or working professionals, in this generation, what’s your excuse?

    And last but not least, TACT:
    The whole shaming a woman in public thing, is a Naija problem. A lot of people aren’t raised with enough tact, so they go about acting disorderly at times. So calling out men on it is hilarious, when I bet every individual knows of more women and mothers that will call you out in public and berate you.

    To finalize, i know it’s very popular to call out men or women, and receive an audience. But if you are going to do it, at least, let the claims and facts be real.. If you titled this men, I probably would have side stepped the post, but to call out Nigerian men and how we are raised, begs me to question your agenda. The parents that raised us men are the same ones that raised you women. So are you saying we are raised differently? We are a product of the society we are raised in. If a woman builds with me, I see her as my partner and we share all responsibilities. If a woman comes after I’m already made, and brings nothing to the table but her dusty ass graduate degree, we shall use it as a dust pan.

    My 2 cents, lol, maybe 50cents.

    • jalord

      April 28, 2015 at 10:08 pm

      Hahaha…..i feel you! Apart from having and training kids together, what else do we men gain from a 2015 woman. Nothing! Like I said before, most men appreciate their wives.
      If you are not happy please seek for divorce.

    • Busola Adedire

      Oluwabusola Adedire

      April 28, 2015 at 10:47 pm

      You have some interesting points. However, what beats me is why a man would want to date/marry someone whom he ‘thinks’ has nothing to offer. A woman being less ‘independent’ does not give a man automatic bragging rights. If you saw her, liked her, went ahead to marry her… having more money does not equal ‘I am better than you’. Even in the bible, it says ‘love your wife’, notwithstanding what social class she belongs to. Ps. I am not advocating for women to become stay at home wives oh. In this new age of inconsistency, it is advisable you hold your own.

    • Liz

      April 28, 2015 at 11:21 pm

      “So are you saying we are raised differently from the women”….answer to your question
      …Yessss! Very much so. The mothers in our soceity did not raise their sons and daughters in the same way.

    • Lilo

      April 29, 2015 at 2:01 am

      Toks, please you of all people should not even be talking. You are the biggest chauvinist of all times. Let’s not do this now nor here.

    • Toks Akisanya

      April 29, 2015 at 5:39 am

      Oh really now, Ms. Minnesota, so u know me now?

    • Asgrl

      April 29, 2015 at 2:55 pm

      Oh Lordt there’s a fiyah!

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 11:15 am

      Your dumb videos and reputation are enough to deter any one with a brain from reading this shit. The only thing people have demanded from you for years is to grow up but at this point we have lost hope. All we ask is for you to stay away from adult convos and also children. Play by yourself =)

    • Asgrl

      April 29, 2015 at 2:54 pm

      Oh jisos!

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      April 29, 2015 at 4:56 pm

      LMAOOOOO! Zero chill.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      April 29, 2015 at 10:22 pm

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!! Oh dear Lord! Women are coming out swinging hard on this page, though.

      Just so I’m clear as well, is this the young man who makes videos telling women what to do?

    • UGO

      April 29, 2015 at 1:17 pm

      You’ve said it all. I always let my fellow girlfriends know, you’ve got to offer something tangible too if you want equality. I and my husband understand this and our partnership is working fine especially as he is a Nigerian man. It worked for my parents too. My mum brought as much as my dad and sometimes she brings more or other times my dad brings more and it works for them. No belittling of either person.

    • Peaches77

      April 29, 2015 at 4:16 pm

      I agree with your first point.. Even that can be applied to point 2. In Nigeria, men openly and continue to commit adultery because there are little consequences. In fact the Nigerian/ maybe African society enables it. So again if we had enforceable laws that frown against it, the impunity would be greatly reduced. Even this can be tricky being that Polygamy still lawfully exists. Honestly, Nigeria will be one great case study.

    • Toks Akisanya

      April 29, 2015 at 7:37 pm

      It’s too difficulty to create or enforce laws against adultery and cheating. And Nigeria isn’t the only place this happens. It happens everywhere in the world. And there is no way to even estimate where it happens most, and that’s my whole argument. I wanted the writer to stop making a human flaw, strictly a Nigerian Men flaw.

    • Peaches77

      April 29, 2015 at 9:39 pm

      I agree that laws against adultery et al may not be achieved, however the difference in Nigeria is that we do not have laws that protect the woman in the case of divorce. Also there is too much prejudice against divorced women so most women take their terrible chances and die eating shit just to remain married. If for eg.. People had to let go of half their assets in a divorce, in fact they’ll think twice before marrying.

  50. beast

    April 28, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    when i hear nigeriam men are cheats its amazing! cos i wonder who the men cheat with if not the materialistic skanks called nigerian women. that’s how one stupid lesson teacher came to expose her slippers-like breasts in front of my cousin’s husband, of course he fired the bitch when he knew her real motive. go to italy and see the amount of nigerian girls whoring their miserable dirty lives or is it the ones on allen avenue their nearly loose their lives chasing any car that has a man driving it.
    abegeee!!! there are useless men and equally useless women.
    nigerian men please don’t feel intimedated by this bullshit give a nigerian woman what she deserves.
    go to shoprite and see how some of those low-life girls behave to customers who didn’t buy ‘many’ things.
    or you hear single ladies saying stupid things like married man A treats me better than single guys. oloshos. if women quit prostitution men will not find who to cheat with. nigerian women stop acting like desperate people and check yourselves too.
    i remember when my aunty lost her husband if you know what her fellow women were telling her to do ehn!! me sef i fear woman.
    both sexes are guilty of our backwardness abeg.

    • Surely

      April 29, 2015 at 11:20 am

      “If women quit prostitution”. LMAOOO!!!! Are you a comedian?
      Ever heard of demand and supply??? Oh wow. Lemme give you a clue: the demand is not from women.

      “He fired the bitch”. Wow. While you learn the spelling of intimidated, look for the word “misogynist” then look in the mirror. Then repeat. (You and your bitch ass uncle).

    • Bleed Blue

      April 29, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      @Surely……gurrrrrl you IS a feisty one! 🙂

  51. mzhadey

    April 28, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    The man whose sperm birthed me incorporates all of these writers joined together. (I dont call him my father cos i am not proud of him) Whilst growing up my dad wpuld beat my mum until she faints and after she gains consciousness he would cpntinue the beating and dont even get me started on how with bandages and plasters all over her body she would still fast and pray for God to bless him and bring him back. My fathers girlfreind(s) does my shopping for me while i was in secondary school and until my third year in Uni and i just could not phantom how and why my mum was cool with it. Did i also mention that my stepmum does not sleep until my dad gets back home even if its 3am at night, she must be awake to serve him his food which he would not eat but she must still serve it. My dad buys his girlfreind exotic cars and they come to pick it up from our house with my stepmum been the gateman who opens the gate for them. Trust me there are so many more but let me just stop here. To all the men out there like the one who fathered me your punishnent awaits. You in hell.

  52. Fabulous B

    April 28, 2015 at 10:44 pm

    I can’t but chip in on this. I know of a neighbour who doesn’t allow her sons to do any house chores(bcos they’re male & male child is suppose to relax and enjoy).
    I met a teenage boy grinding pepper for his mother(grinding business). I bought some pepper nearby to add to the beans(moimoi- bean pudding) I went to grind. He said :he can’t help with it, that he’s scared of pepper; eventually he helped, after we both got talking. I advised him to always help out his mom & sister and that chores is not meant for female alone. We talked about him getting married and helping out his wife bcos they’re both responsible for making there home. To cut d long story short, he thanked me and saw a lot of sense in all I told him. Very bright young man, I must say.
    The truth is that religion, is not helping matters in Nigeria. The way they emphasise the male role, I get very irritated. I remember my dad used to help around the house, even in kitchen(to boil water for tea & pap before we wake up during weekends and holidays) LOL miss u dad. If the man knew how to cook, he would have been our in-house chef.
    We ladies of now and future mothers or new mothers, I implore u to pls let’s train our children well, let male child be treated equal as the female and don’t over pamper only child.
    My eye o! Not easy typing. Pardon my typo err. The screen light, is disturbing. Good night. Remember to live a Healthy lifestyle

  53. tunde

    April 28, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    This is exactly why most Nigerian women are becoming very loose, lack respect and submission and are wayward. All they do is focus on the men while their own lives are terrible. When will you have time to develop yourself into a virtuous woman when you are always looking for what the men are doing wrong? Has there ever been such a time as this in the past when a lot of married women are adulterous? Look inwards women. Nigerian men are not your problems. Who will be good will be good irrespective of how his or her partner behaves.

    • Nahum

      April 29, 2015 at 9:11 am

      Shut up jor!!! You of all people should not speak about virtuosity. When you see men cheating on their wives with side chicks, do you attack their virtuosity? I bet you even have a side chick as well. Shut up jor,

    • wozer

      April 29, 2015 at 10:02 am

      He should shut up?
      huh, domestic abuser alert.
      Your type can marry?
      That’s how they start. When hubby woze them now they ll say he is violent

    • Layo

      April 29, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      This wozer talks so much rubbish ehn…it’s weakening. Why not express yourself intelligently? Just try, you can do it.

    • hian!

      April 30, 2015 at 12:07 pm

      ode!!!!

  54. Serendipity

    April 29, 2015 at 12:11 am

    This article is coming just a day after I had a conversation with my bestfriend about how we urgently need to raise our sons differently from the men were married to. If anything,I’ve gotten some consolation that it’s not perculiar to my marriage alone.
    Thanks a mil for the article.

  55. Lilo

    April 29, 2015 at 1:58 am

    Lmao…naijagroove mothers can be a considered a failure merely looking at the lousy male children they raise. 44 year old single man that still has mommy cooking stew, rice, Efo, okra, for him for the week every weekend…mschewwww. Can’t this fool cook?m

  56. Toks Akisanya

    April 29, 2015 at 5:00 am

    And hi Nkechi… lol

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      April 30, 2015 at 2:37 pm

      Stop using BN to call out your exes who see through the BS you spewed.

  57. Titilayo

    April 29, 2015 at 6:33 am

    My husband cooks, help with eveything at home, helps with the baby. He works hard. He is patient, he never raises his voice, he have never done any cheating.

    If he ever hit me I would know he was becoming sick with dementia or something.

    I’ve found myself a true King. A diamond. I’m so lucky!

  58. Zandra

    April 29, 2015 at 8:11 am

    I think the fault lies squarely with mothers. I was raised in a home were every sibling had responsibilities irrespective of gender. Everyone cooked and cleaned in the house. As you get older, the eldest drops out and you key in. All my brothers are excellent cooks and good house keepers.

    It was a surprise for me when i visited a friend and her brother came home and asked her in a very disrespectful way to prepare food for him. I cook for my brothers but they will always ask in a very courteous way. I even do that for them if they have friends coming over. But likewise I can also ask them to cook for me and they don’t feel offended.

    When we were younger, my mum did most of the cooking while growing up but my dad took over whenever she was ill, she travels or she was too tired to cook as they were both had demanding jobs. My dad used to help out in the house in those days. But as we got older and were able to help out he went cold turkey.

    I did not know other women admired him for it until last year when i ran into a childhood friend and we started discussing our parents, She told me how she overhead her mother and her friends discussing what a wonderful man he was and how he was very helpful at home.

    Children follow the examples laid down by their parents. It is up to us women to raise our kids to understand that helping in the house does not in any way diminish their manhood.

  59. damm

    April 29, 2015 at 9:35 am

    Hmm this article is my life 4 real…..growing up in lagos and all the pains i saw, beatings to gfs to bringing women home wen mum travelled….am in my 20’s now but i and my siblings still resent my dad n we dont really talk to him-see him as a man were forced to call dad: …just..too many bad memories, that even as an adult even talking to him on phone sef. Not in person o brings out so much anger in me;sometimes resent mum for staying-wat did she teach her kids?it was for us she said.-look how tht turned out….wer to start to forgive is still a daily struggle n working process. After blocking him 4rm.my life for yearsss…calling him on his birthdays is my starting limit so far.. my naija bf understands the struggle so now learning to not judge him like my dad/say all naija men are like that/fear of marraige-used to sometimes wish he wuld do smtn bad so i can be like i said it but so far none(i realised thts messed up badd)…made my bro promise to treat his future wife right and start by treating his sisters rite..mental trauma we carry with us-the whole cookie is helping counseling,God etc..i hope this helps someone., gradually time heals. I knw i can never be close friends with dad but maybe giving him bits of my life and letting him in after so long can help i hope..

    • jinmpoim

      April 29, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      you spoke to me!!!!! relationship is not as bad but in my family it seems like I took it out the hardest. resentment & anger….smh

  60. jide

    April 29, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    Bellanaija – is there a way to download this article and comments into a PDF file ? This should be men’s guide to hook a modern day solid woman. Not the wrapper tying slaved your mom arranged for you and you filed for to enter America. Blooop! This here is an all star article. The bestest so far.

    • kole

      April 29, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      Lol. I want every Nigerian man to read this though so they can know how we really feel about them despite some women playing mumu till they get the ring and move in.

  61. tunmi

    April 29, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    BN we need all those social media buttons to like, share, and favorite these your articles. I need to properly digest this after finals

    • kole

      April 29, 2015 at 3:40 pm

      I agree. These are not rants. These are deep sentiments expressed by well educated people thus a must read to every Nigerian man out there. They need to understand how they are perceived.

  62. Minister Ade

    April 29, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    These comments are so sad!

    A lot of bitter people everywhere.

    Do we have a “standard” for raising men or you just want to complain
    because you have had terrible experiences from the Nigerian men you met, dated or married?

    A man who is trained to RESPECT women is the highest he can attain either Nigerian, American or Spanish.

    • Layo

      April 30, 2015 at 10:20 am

      Your comment is soooooooo pointless! There was nothing to learn from it! NADA!

  63. [email protected]

    April 29, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Funny, I just had a conversation with my boyfriend about raising our kids (if we end up together). I said aside from religion, I would like to teach them empathy and compassion and to generally be sensitive to the plight of others. His reply: the world is a jungle and his dad raised him as a lion so he intends to do the same with his sons and “empathy makes one weak”. I think that’s such a disturbing perspective.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      April 29, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      LOL! I hope you are paying attention because difference in parenting skills CAN become a huge deal when the time comes.

    • Doxa

      May 1, 2015 at 9:58 pm

      The guy has figured out how he will raise his sons, you my dear will be left with the daughters to raise and then continues this cycle we are talking about.

    • Oddie

      May 6, 2015 at 11:13 pm

      I do not know how to say this without sounding harsh but your bf is one of those men that have no business raising a family. For this cycle t stop, we need to be conscious of the type of men we marry and have raise our kids.

  64. Tobi

    April 29, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    Thanks a lot for writing this.. I constantly talk with my friends how it seems there is something I find quite disturbing about Nigerian men and they are raised…. The most annoying is when men feel that cuz I’m a woman, I am for their entertainment or their pleasure. Do not even get me started on domestic and sexual abuse, I see too many cases of that in my work…Not to repeat all you have said,. A lot of these men are set in their bads ways, it takes grace to handle them, I believe it is up to me to open my eyes, no sentiments, no giving in to pressure and receive my own husband at the (appointed time). He will be one of the few good ones who will have good values like me, so we can both teach our children (when we have them) the importance of respect, love and selflessness and service for both males and females.. Peace!

  65. @ Surely

    April 29, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    @surely, just die of hypertension ontop one small article
    your type no dey get toaster, not to talk of bf or husband
    can see your rant all over the place
    the person wey do you has died, we would have gone to beg the person to make you sane again
    bingo- be barking all over the place

    • Carliforniabawlar

      April 29, 2015 at 5:55 pm

      Lmao!! Classic response from a typical Nigerian man with sub-par intelligence levels. Why is it that the only way you guys feel you can ‘win’ an argument or get a girl to shut up is by saying she is bitter and will die single and/or calling her a whore?! Is it that you can’t articulate intelligent thoughts or do you just not have any roaming that head of yours?

      We are calling you guys out on your BS, you are dissing her that she’s single…of course she’ll be single! When most of yall aint worth sh*t! That is the exact point!! And by the way, have you read comments about irresponsible and crass men written by both single and married women alike? If it is your type out there and they are dashing you out by the dozen as toaster/boyfriend/husband….I won’t even take you home to convert you into gateman sef, not to talk of entertaining the thought of getting with you and your Yoruba-english. If one more guy tries to blackmail me into marrying him by quoting my age and chiming my biological clock I might have to choke a n*gga…or at least hire one to do it for me.

      I just can’t with yall! Even if you weren’t raised right, at least we all go the same education system…How is it that most females seemed to have evolved in their thinking and most of you are stuck on stupid?!

    • Ladun

      April 30, 2015 at 12:42 am

      Lmao @wanting to choke a nuggah. Girl high five. The average Nigerian man is more of a liability than an asset to the 21st century woman. Like you rightly said…Women tend to modifiy their thinking and upgrade /advance themselves a whole lot but some of these fools are stuck on stupid indefinitely. Saying A woman is old and single is not a even a diss in this day and age when women are becoming capcable of having kids well into their 50s. I can do bad all by myself so I don’t need to take in liabilities or egocentric social misfits all because I need companionship. Like someone said earlier…even as sperm donors, these majority of these naija men are still worthless.

    • oy

      April 30, 2015 at 10:41 am

      wa sere mami! i wish i could like your comment a million times. you just took it out of my mind.Bless you darling, you’re the best

  66. Tobi

    April 29, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    Apologies for any typos.

  67. omawunmi

    April 29, 2015 at 5:09 pm

    Me too i’m lucky to have one of the few, good raised in naija husbands (yes they are few).
    He cooks and takes care of the kids knows not to wake me up before 10 am Saturday and Sundays (yes I said it) and is the bread winner right now.
    We take the kids to school together every morning and he reads to them every night after we pick him up.he does all of the laundry, takes out the trash,etc.
    How was this rare gem formed you may be wondering? -His father is the shitiest,most misogynistic human ever. oh lawd! The stories I could tell of my father inlaw. my mother in law has to have one of the worst marriages ever, but bless her, she raised one good son.
    ps he changed diapers but draws the line at bathing the kids.

    • jinmpoim

      April 29, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      hope your husband can mentor fellow men…..its not easy for those of us from broken & unhappy homes. out of 3 children, at least one sibling will work hard to avoid allowing their spouse & kids suffer pains of their childhood. Your husband is doing just that, please support him. I am not married but hope to be that father that supports his wife and loves his family.

      Naija men – lets show our children & wives love. it is very important!! Nothing weak about telling your wife and children you love them. its not a sin to hug and tell your kids you love them. I see some very awkward naija marriages, husband & wife can barely hug talk less of show affection.

      I don’t remember my dad telling us/mom he loved us, aside from when we sang that church song “Hold somebody, tell them that you love them…I Love YOU, put your hands together and praise the Lord”……LMAO!!!!!
      I can barely tell a chic I love her, cos for me those three words mean a lot and I prefer not to say it if I don’t mean it. Sad but it means a lot to me and I had rather not misuse it.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      April 29, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      @jinmpoim, I’m smiling and cheering you on from my distant corner. You sound like you’re already on your path to finding your own happiness. Yes!! 🙂

      And contrary to the misinformation that a number of male commenters seem to have gotten from this post (calling women angry, bitter, single salewas… for real, brothers, you need to grow a pair and acquire the skill of cognitive thinking), Nigerian women aren’t writing about their experiences because they hate their male kin. We are writing all of this because we want to see our fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, friends, etc. do better. I’m going to confess something personal – for some reason last night and with some of these discussions still lingering on my mind, I just thought I should pray for men. I’ve never felt like doing that before … although I didn’t spend all night “kabashing” on their behalf since I’m not Mother Theresa by any stretch of the imagination… but, I sense a lot of men are lumbering around with emotional baggage they don’t even realise that they’re carrying.

      I think many have been put through the cycle of witnessing dominant male figures abuse the dominant women in their lives and are scarred without knowing it. Maybe it’s negatively shaped them in ways that they’re yet to figure out but what do I know? I’m not Dr. Phil either.

      You, however, will be fine and I really pray that your healing will be completed because some amazing woman will be waiting for you when you’re ready. May God keep you in that journey with the conviction that you’re more than capable of being a much better man than your father was. xx

    • omawunmi

      April 30, 2015 at 7:57 am

      aww,
      you are definitely on the right path. like you my husband has his bagagge. He says all the time,the only thing he is sure of is that he has to be the opposite of his father. if you put your wife and kids first, everything else will fall in place.
      find a good woman and treat her like a queen. wishing you the very best.

  68. heyhey

    April 29, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    i am so happy about this post. especially because about a year ago or more there was this post on bella naija on how men are never offered help and i must say after reading that post i was very offended. men are never offered help or women are never offered help… which statement has more truth attached to it. i grew up in a family of 6. 3 siblings my parents and mysef. i have two brothers and a sister. growing up i witnessed what it meant to expect the world from a girl child and nothing from a male child. all these were my mothers doing. my dad played the role of a wonderful father and as a result of that im certain my brothers will never posses some of teh qualities described up here but as a result of my mothers tutolage some “skills” have been passed down to my brothers. we are all grown now, my older brother feels so entitled. hes yet to get married and some times i wonder where he expects to find what hes looking for. honestly my mother doesnt even posses some of the qualities hes looking for. yet she champions his idea of an ideal wife. however i will say he is highly responsible to an extent. my younger brother on the other hand is still learning to be responsible. i want to believe that my input in his life has helped to curb some of the excesses my mum instilled in him. at the moment she asks that i teach him how to clean after himself. hes 20 atm… she waited 20 years to teach a man how to clean after himself. growing up i was the one who annoying cleaned after my younger brother…. why i asked back then. the reply i got was hes your younger brother. mind you we are only 2 years apart.

    when it comes to relationships my mum thinks asking for a man that possesses some of my fathers qualities is too much to ask for. afterall why should a man be responsible. if he is responsible then what is your role in his life.

    the essense of this story telling is to say most times the fathers arent the problem it is we mothers who breed the kind of men we wont wish to marry.

    • Bleed Blue

      April 30, 2015 at 10:25 am

      @heyhey How can it be that we have nearly identical lives?

      Except my older brother already got married, and yeah…that didn’t work out. 🙁

  69. uto

    April 29, 2015 at 8:28 pm

    Rude awakening guys! Gone are the days when women were your raffia-mats.
    Even when men quote the bible portion saying ‘..women submit to your husbands’ they purposely neglect the part that says, ‘husbands love your wives and treat them with respect….’ !!!
    That was how I dated an immature,ego-ridden, insecure 33 year old. Disrespects even his mum in my presence. Very imposing with his decisions. Called me names and hauled insults at will. Very malicious. Was a staunch believer of the most ridiculous theory;that a woman is incomplete until she has a man.
    And to think he even demanded I greet him every morning. People, i’m not talking abt a once in a while witty ‘wakey-wakey-boo-boo’ or a cheeky ‘muaah-its-a-brand-new-day-darl’ kinda greeting. He demanded a ‘GOOD MORNING’ . In his cave mind, it was a sign of respect.
    I let go of his pathetic self, and got myself a prince. One who never feels too big to pound yam, wash dishes, sweep etc for his mum when he visits her in the east. One of the qualities that endeared him to me. Now we are married, it is no big deal for him to help me whilst I cook. Our jokes and gists warming the kitchen. He is simply my happy place. (Girls, great guys exist)
    In return, i’m proud to say I submit to him effortlessly. He is always rushing home after work(something his colleagues tease him about). Respecting him comes naturally, BECAUSE he has proven to me in more ways than one, that he is a REAL MAN.
    Treat a woman like a Queen and watch her enthrone you in the dynasty. She’d ‘worship’ you happily cos she knows you deserve it. You can’t be a frog and expect to be crowned a prince. No guys. Some of y’all need to change!

    • Tobi

      April 29, 2015 at 9:59 pm

      Yes Uto, yes!!!! Bless you and your husband and his parents for raising such a fine man

  70. Anonymous

    April 30, 2015 at 1:36 am

    I’m just going to print out the comments and read one everyday to properly digest every single one.
    Nigerian women, I have never been so proud of you in my life. IT WAS ABOUT TIME WE REMINDED THESE MEN THEY ARE NOT GIFTS FROM GOD!
    This generation will change the way things have been previously done, whether or not these arrogant men like it.
    T-I-R-E-D of men, rather boys tweeting about how cheating is “inevitable” so we should accept it and be glad we are in relationships. The first part is that some girls actuslly believe this so they tolerate such nonsense.
    By the way, I dare any of you fools to lay your hands on me. LOL, Jesus gon be waiting for both of is at tha doe that day. What rubbish.
    Nkechi, thank you for being the voice of our generation (might be a bit extreme to day this but I don’t think you realise the importance of this topic). God bless you abundantly. May you ALWAYS find peace in your relationships, happiness too

    • Anonymous

      April 30, 2015 at 1:39 am

      Please excuse the typos, was typing too fast. Could not control my excitement/joy.

    • really

      April 30, 2015 at 10:34 am

      everyone is actually a gift from God. we should see one another that way, both men and women… but I agree with what you’ve said.. men are not doing women any special favour by marrying them or being in a relationship with them.. and they gotta understand that. i also agree that this generation is beginning to realise certain things and there will be CHANGE(like APC)……looooooool

  71. always happy

    April 30, 2015 at 2:43 am

    Dysfunctionality is contagious ,so whether Nigerian man , oyibo man , or space guy, any and all dysfunctional behaviours, mindsets, attitudes are passed on generation to generation until A person/ individual in the cycle, stops tensioning their lives with generational foolishness and dysfunctional behaviour and does internal introspection and self counselling to identify all that they need to let go of and replace with healthy wholesome behaviours, mindsets and attitudes.

    For all Nigerian men, women, fathers, mothers, grand fathers, great grand mothers , and other so called family friends/cousins, your inlaws are in my opinion # 1 Enablers of all this dysfunctionality and true to our Nigerian roots: our common response na to gossip about it so we can feel holier, superior or what not, feign interest or concern by paying lipservice , keep cockroach inside cupboards, keep hush on all the horrid, bad and unhealthy stuff that happens in the home and carry on like OBAMA’s in public exhibiting dysfunctional behaviours

    Majority of the response from the women may sound raw, bitter and painful but its #the truth because most women are pre-disposed to self reflection at an earlier age/state in life than the average man who as one commenter says or believes “men have more important thing to process”

    The raising of the “male” child is not a woman’s job, a man’s job, the grandparents job, the aunties/uncles job, the pastor’s job, your inlaws, the RCCG church family’s job, the school’s job, the teacher’s job, It is a collective responsibility that if we all understood what “serving others” is truly about we’d step up and fill all pot holes created by dysfunctional families or societies regardless of whose sperm created the “male child” because we understand the principle of succession ( like the jews) and we know “a chosen people” don’t wait to get called , they act and model that fruitfulness they desire so much.

    May God help all us of have a “VISION” greater than Us, now or them, May the pull of that “Vision” be greater and more important that the “push” of random foolish temporary shiny objects or desires that will all perish someday.

  72. wozer

    April 30, 2015 at 8:45 am

    Hahahaha
    laughing in all the languages of the world.

    I will just remind you that your junior sister will meet you there and by pass you. Even your younger brother already has a girl to marry; All the small girls around you have forgotten they are married and done giving birth; every saturday there is a wedding in your church; all your colleagues in school have kids as tall as you now; all your colleagues in the office are taken, except you; AND YOU ARE HERE RANTING, COMPLAINING AND FORMING “TEAM MEN BASHER”

    Other girls/ladies has a man who is all these to them (their friend, companion, lover, listening ear, emotional “satisfier”, sexual “satisfier”, financial “assister”, driver, asistant at home, helper, confidant, builder, encourager, ….. YOU, YOU WANT TO DIE LONELY NI?

    If all the men are as evil as you are crying here, how come every other girl around you is taken and living happily? Can’t you see you are the one that needs deliverance? You better go do 40days at mfm or go shiloh make God turn your problem to a miracle!

    If men matter tire you, avoid men in your life. Is it that difficult?
    Men are this, men are that and yet you want one to marry?

    Let me remind you 2015 is running and December will soon be here.
    You better find a solution to your problem!

    They are really pained: deal with it or die complaining!

    You all think you got mouth to talk? hiss

    • Dee

      April 30, 2015 at 10:29 am

      Read your comment out loud. Slowly. Maybe then you will recognize how truly pathetic you sound….like a lone madman. Receive healing!

    • really

      April 30, 2015 at 10:30 am

      @wozer, your response is actually out of frustration and anger.. still part of the insecurity we are talking about. why do you have to stoop so low as to throw insults when things don’t go down well with you. if you take out time to read the comments you’ll understand what is being said…..#NotJust Saying#

    • Oddie

      May 7, 2015 at 12:06 am

      I have come across so many of your comments and in most of them, you have come off very tactless and distasteful. You do know that you can engage in a conversation without throwing insults right? If you did not know that, well, I am letting you in to that information.

      Secondly, I have noticed a continuous rant about how women will die single and lonely. This goes back to what is being discussed, you are not a gift to any woman. Seriously, you really are not a gift to any woman. This is 2015 boo boo, not 1915. Women do not NEED men to survive, especially those of them who will bring chaos to their already structured lives. Marriage is also not for everyone so you need to come up with a more “current” insult if you are hell bent on being immature.

      Finally, you seem to be so defensive about the issues that were brought up. Perhaps your attitude stems from a place of conviction? We will never know but you do. If that is the case, I suggest that rather than hide behind your laptop acting like an internet thug because your ego has been bruised, seek help. The first step to healing is realizing that you have a problem.

  73. Desmond

    April 30, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    This took some time to read, especially the comments and it hasbeen quite educative from the perspective of understanding how ladies and women feel. However, it takes two to tango and I believe there is no perfect being that we can.rate 100% whether male or female. Canwe also be sincerely objective and honest to look at the converse aspects that have made our men further deteriorate in perception by the opposite sex. I mean can we have an opposite perception to this with Nigerian women as the subject too? This way, we can help both parties get their priorities right

  74. Dr. Phil for Naija!

    May 1, 2015 at 10:22 pm

    The message that I got from this very important article is that, we urgently need a Nigerian version of Dr. Phil!!!!!!!!!! Infact, like yesterday! We need someone out there who is a psychiatrist to step up and start a NATIONALLY televised TV show and start the conversation about our relationships in Nigeria. This is very important, b/cos the family unit is the basis for any society, and as we can deduce from samples of the comments here, we have a problem in the country. Our past/current leaders are the product of our current dysfunctional family unit, hence we are where we are as a country. There is need for a serious NATIONAL conversation about this TOPIC and more importantly, INTERVENTIONIST!!! BTW, I am a Nigerian male and I agree that we have a problem! Now…………, let the conversation begin!!!!!!!

    • Mama suwe

      May 2, 2015 at 11:25 pm

      Isn’t that what Dr. Mofin is there for? But you guys say you don’t want.
      LOL!

  75. scarlet

    May 2, 2015 at 1:09 am

    This issue here is the major reason I keep asking myself this simple question, do I want to get married? Asides societal norms, family expectations?

    Coming from a family where, growing up my dad was a very nice nice man, easy on his family, help mum out sometimes, he would have made the list of the good ones, if not for his promiscuous nature, cheating on my mum openly, no remorse no cover ups, and whenever I ask my mum why she keeps quiet knowing fully well what he has been up to , she will always smile and tell me ‘that’s the price I have to pay to make this family happy , I need to give your father a long rope, all men have their flaws and it is your duty as a woman to learn with it’ and I say it myself silently, Are you freaking kidding me!

    Before I forget, I lost a bf just because I caught him cheating and I told him the next time I catch in the act, I will go ahead to give him a real life scenario of what it feels like to be cheated, and he had the gut to report me to my mum and brother,and guess what? The took turn to lecture me on how a ‘good woman’ is not allowed to utter such words without a word of rebuke for his own act of cheating! I did not have the intention to cheat though.

    But he can stick his D in any available hole while I pretend I didn’t notice! God knows I can’t live with that madness, I will dump and redump, divorce any man that cannot respect me, I refuse to condone what my mum has been living with for 30years! God forbid!!!

    Honestly, our Men need re-orientation badly, you get what you give! As it is commonly said, don’t go around looking for wife material that will make a complete outfit, when your husband material can not sew an ordinary tie!

    I can do very well on my own without taking one ungrateful, disrespectful man’s last name, I work hard earn my own money, so of course I have something to bring to the table other than doubling the role of your baby factory, cook and cleaner and of course I expect more from a man than what is dangling between his legs, oh please! Same way men don’t need a woman in their house to get sexual satisfaction, vice versa!

    It’s high time we see this as a partnership, you add value I add value with zero tolerance for bullcrap or begone. Who cares if you are the head of the family or head of fish? And before you say this is another bitter female who is dying single,
    PS: status-Engaged

    But we are tired of this trend! Nigerian men pleasssssse change!!!!!

  76. pecia

    May 2, 2015 at 8:30 am

    I think the main challenge here is that of “UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS” from both genders.
    One of the most profound statements i have heard about marriage is that both parties are damaged on deliver.
    Many have experienced a lot in their individual families and both have them carried over. As a boy in a family of 4 (3 boys and 1 sis), i saw that my parents treat everyone equally. My dad till his death always said no woman can pose for his kids because he was sure that our parents had raised us well. We cook(all manner of foods), we sweep, mop, wash cars and every job you can imagine and yet we were all comfortable. Each had to set examples that the next picked up so it was kind of follow the leader all the way. We had our fights(kids and parents, siblings also) so we were not in anyway perfect. I run a business, my wife works full time. Sometime she makes more money in a year because she has a great job, sometimes i make the mother load than her in a year and we have come to not lower expectations but be realistic enough that life is highs and lows. There was a time she was out of job for about 1 year and it was all me. The truth here is that the factory where both genders are churned out is too busy making working as individual parts instead of a complete unit.
    I will not bash any gender here but as much as i dont agree with all that the writer wrote because its from a single perspective, i will commend here for the job of trying to fix the challenge by bringing it afore. The phrase,: “A FEW GOOD MEN” is very true. The yorubas probably capture it better by saying, when a child is born, s/he has to have a rebirth. My job allows me to have flexible hours and i used to drive my wife all aorund town when she was pregnant and after delivery with her sitting at the back and i alone infront for 2 years. Truth is, her brother emulated me because i had set a standard for him. He did same for his wife. My wife goes to work, meets lunch and she does the dinner…that is fair enough. She comes home and the kids homework done as i double as lesson teacher…she agrees i have more patience than she does.
    The generation we belong is too pacy and probably learning nothing despite the information all around. I make bold to say information is not same as knowledge. It is knowledge that transforms. Sometimes i feel i am giving more than my wife gives to the family unit but i dont complain because what matters most is the end product, we have kids that turn out well. She carried the child all alone with me giving support so its ok now that she gets to relax. I recall the first time we went to visit her aunt while dating and i opened the door for her from my car, her aunt called her aside and told her she should not let me go oo!
    I saw my dad treat my mom right, backed a retreat on some battles, stood his ground where necessary, was never out of his house when he returned from his office by 6pm and he died a happy man. What i am getting at here is that we should learn not to blame the other gender, but ensure that we are good ourselves and commit to fixing the end product. I think that is what our parents tried to communicate for staying in an abusive relationship. They realized that things changed as they got married and things do change. Married to my wife for a decade now, i know things have changed. The sex is not as regular, the meals…hmm we substitute with take out and eat out, she has said very hurtful stuff to me that she cant even remember, she has cautioned me when i shouted at her, she tolerates my sustained anger on trivial issues. I will end by saying that marriage is not for babies. It is for those who plan to practically be better in all the set out to do. While we chew at the other gender, we should remeber that the basis for the relationship is love and it should be a 2 way street is i may add.

  77. Oddie

    May 6, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    When I read this article, it actually saddened me because of the fact that I know that majority of what is said here is TRUE and BOTH parents are to blame. I was raised for most of my life in Nigeria and even though this is not the type of household I was raised in (my house was by no means perfect, we had our own issues), I have met so many who were raised this way. I will address the men first since this article is primarily directed at them but we cannot address the men without addressing the women.

    To the Men
    Most of you will read this article and get defensive but I ask that rather than get defensive, take a moment to reflect on the issues that were brought up. Perhaps the inclination to get on the defense stems from a place of deep conviction.
    Firstly, I find it hilarious that many of you demand to be treated as kings but forget that some of us were raised as princesses too. The idea that an educated woman who is doing well for herself is ‘uncontrollable’ is absolutely ridiculous. A Nigerian man said to me that after all my degrees; I would end up in a man’s kitchen serving him. This was after he found out that I have a Bachelor’s of Science in Engineering, a Masters of Science Degree and that I am currently in medical school. Well, I am glad he had that view of me because that closed any possible doors of dating. Any man who holds such ideology has no business raising a family. I say this because men like this are the ones who end up demanding that their wives give up their dreams and become “house wives”. How can such a man who holds such an ideology raise a daughter who will be able to hold her own? Any man who is intimidated by the success of a woman has no business getting married.
    Secondly, if you cook, clean and do stuff for your wife, it will not emasculate you. Seriously, it won’t. If you are afraid that doing such things will emasculate you then maybe you need to see a therapist and discuss your sexuality because there is something you are not telling. And as for cheating, if you know you cannot be true to the marriage covenant, DO NOT GET MARRIED. We need to change this idea that marriage is a must. It is NOT a must. Seriously, you can die a bachelor; it will not make you less of a man. It makes absolutely no sense getting married and then becoming a nuisance, if anything, it makes things worse. By choosing to get married and continue in such a lifestyle, you are raising a family of dysfunctional children; boys who think cheating is the norm and girls who think it is the norm too because mum chooses to endure the infidelity.

    To the Women
    When a man shows you these signs while dating him, why on earth do you think he is going to magically change after you get married? This idea that marriage is the “be-all and end all” of life is the very thing that is going to continue this cycle. I have heard so many mothers complain of how their sons are then follow it with; we will find him a wife because marriage will help him grow. And then because some woman is so desperate to be married, she will go ahead and marry this ‘man-child’. Perhaps we need to realize that marriage is not the end of life. If it happens for you, then great, and if it doesn’t, you are not less a woman than anyone else.
    So mothers, let us stop this thing of pushing our over grown babies into marriage. This will only continue the cycle of raising men who are not competent enough for that responsibility. Now, if you are already married to one of those, you have a choice to make, you can either choose to raise your son to be better than his father or you can continue in the cycle.
    When a woman brings nothing to the table, you open yourself up for the insult. You cannot simply see a man as an ATM and demand that he respects you. So many women are marrying these dead-beat men because they provide money and material things for them even though he beats them and openly cheats on them. They succumb to this insult because they have nowhere to go. This goes back to how the women were raised. When a woman is raised in a home where she sees daddy cheating on mummy and beating mummy but coming back with all the money and material things for mummy, and mummy says thank you and smiles and prostrates to daddy, that becomes her ‘normal’. So many Nigerian women have daddy issues without realizing it. Just because daddy and mummy stayed together does not mean you do not have daddy issues. The men are raised to find a false ego in their money so they forget that they need to invest emotionally in the lives of their daughters, so we end up with women who are materialistic and money hungry. And when you have a man who finds his pride in his ability to clothe you and feed you, you best believe he will remind you every damn day of how you are who you are because of him.
    All this is to say, ladies, we have to do better. We cannot demand respect but cheapen ourselves to Gucci bags and shoes.

  78. BARCA

    May 7, 2015 at 1:43 am

    Hi everybody
    I have been reading this and am fascinated. Am a guy an i felt so remoseful. Am married and to be candid i never appreciated my wife, i thought i was doing her a favour. Am presently in the UK doing a Masters degree, i have been lately reading about marriage and relationship an i must confess i have been very selfish. I have a daughter who i adore, i just told myself 4 days ago, why cant i adore my wife like my daughter. I have not cheated on my wife since i got married because i dont have the liver for women and their trouble moreover i cant see my wife sad bcos she is very emotional. I knew in my heart i never respected or cherished her but for the past 2 weeks that i started reading about marriage, my mindset have changed totally, i now call her and profess my love openly to her. I just realized how wonderful and loving my wife is. I fantacize about my wife nakedness instead of commiting adultery. I had dispute with her in the past and there was a particular incident that i pushed her, i regreted that action, it happened 2 years ago, i called her on tuesday toapologise over that incident. My take on Nigerian men is our culture allow our excesses, i wont want any useless guy to treat my daughter anyhow so i have decided to treat my wife as a Queen.

    • Doxa

      May 7, 2015 at 3:03 pm

      You have taken the right step, continue on this path and see God’s blessings in your life. Many men do not know that the sole reason for their losses in life is the tears of pain they have caused their wives to cry…if only they knew.

  79. Ebony

    May 28, 2015 at 10:55 am

    It’s even worse than what you’ve listed.
    Such a shame.
    I can count countless females I can marry, but not so much guys. So you see a lot of women married to men you feel like are not good enough for them.
    Even from school, the girls would usually be top in class, be neat, act modestly. It all starts from there.
    These our girls we bring up so well have to be wives to these men we let live anyhow in the name of “boys will be boys”.
    In summary, our women are too beautiful, educated and all that for majority of the boys/men we raise

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