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Luke Ogar: What Are Your Parameters for Dating Someone?

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“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them”- Ernest Hemingway

In the first place, let me assume that those who partake in dating and courtship are single, and have the hope, someday, that they would get married. If this is the general perception, then one can say that, eventually, dating would lead to courtship, and then to engagement, and finally marriage. However, many persons have expressed marriage as a far cry from the situation early on in the relationship. They say that marriage is hard work, and is like a purchase they didn’t quite bargain for.

If the expectations of many aren’t met in marriage, there probably lies a fault within the dating, courtship, and engagement levels. Indeed, we all have a mental picture of our ideal partners, which continues to form even during the period of dating and courtship. A closer look reveals that there are some erroneous perceptions which may affect our judgement in choosing the right partner.

The Partner Who Is Both Good and Bad
It is usual, especially for men, to think of one’s married partner as very responsible and prayerful. In fact, they should be so good enough to teach the children to pray and lead a good life. Yet, the irony of the story is that it is not “romantic” to talk about prayer, or anything like that, while dating. We would prefer that sexy and hot partner, beautiful lady, handsome guy, with a robust and elegant figure; and also, someone who is very trendy and loves to party, etc — somehow, we believe that they would still be the “prayer warriors” in the end.

It is as though the ladies want a combination of an altar boy and a pop star; while the men want a combination of a choir girl and a club performer. This all-in-one package is unrealistic and grossly ambiguous. Perhaps, we believe that the wedding vows would make the “sinner” to repent? I don’t think so.

How Formal Can You Get?
It is good for dating couples to be gentlemanly and ladyish, but it becomes a mere show when they overdo these things. There are too many niceties of formality about dating! It is as though we are stuck in a 19th century English movie, where the chivalrous gentleman is dressed in black coat, apparel, and bowler hat; and the courtesan lady is wearing a corset and an overflowing gown. Please, wake up; it’s two centuries past!

What is most laughable is the aspect of language. Perhaps, there are many intertribal relationships, but I do not understand how a couple would attempt to communicate only in Queens English, when they are full-blooded Nigerians — it’s unnatural. A healthy relationship would make use of extra colloquial expressions, and even pidgin. Perhaps, the movies and novels are doing us a disservice.

You Look Beautiful!
One’s clothing style is affected by many things: fashion taste, body size, environment, occasion, etc. The average expectation of dating youths would be to dress up in semi-casual form, jeans, sneakers, A-line or V-line skirts, Polo shirts, suede shoes and body-fitting tops. These affect how we see the other person, and who we term as beautiful or handsome, or attractive, or hot. Marriage changes a lot of dress sense, not only because of the “elevated” status, but also because of the increased body sizes.

A lot of men say that they wouldn’t like their wives wearing wrappers and looking too motherly. Then again, have you wondered why our mothers wear wrappers? Do you think they should be in the jeans genre? No, I don’t think so. They just wouldn’t “fit in”.

Similarly, the men aren’t left out! That Polo shirt would look awkward on that distended belly of yours. But they say they would keep fit, yet very few married men do aerobic exercises. Keeping fit is tough enough; keeping fit in marriage, with an ageing body, is tougher! Yes, we have to try to maintain a good stature, but I think we must consider its rigorous paths. To say that a woman shouldn’t add weight after marriage is almost impracticable — with childbearing et al. Then again, the slim few will find out that during menopause, they are faced with thinning fat tissues causing more prominent cheek bones, collar bones, ribs, etc. Is this what you would rather want?

Parenting 101
Without doubt, the lives of spouses will forever be changed as soon as they become parents. Pregnancy, alone, is a huge responsibility for both partners. Yet I hear some men say that they don’t like the cries of babies, the wiping of poo and dressing of infants, the “pain” of waking up at midnight, etc. Probably, they can “escape” this by the presence of the mother-in-law to help out. What do we say to such men? The cry of a baby: bad; the noise of a toddler: worse; the stubbornness of a school child: “evil”. There is no escaping this one!

Parenthood is indeed a great burden, but has its rewards. Dating couples can hardly fathom the details of what a parent goes through, not only because of the child, but also because of their partner. Simply put, the advent of a child brings more stress, lesser time to talk together, easily irritable moods, etc. Parents don’t just worry about their children; they have to pay attention to their own relationship which may be suffering. There has to be a double effort to keep the home and family running well.

Now, You Can Date!
When we think of all the metamorphoses that our future partners would undergo, it sometimes feels safe to overlook such thoughts, and try to live in the euphoria of a blessed couple: ever young, no palaver, and all-smiling. But it’s not just our partners who change: we also do, and must try to live with such a reality. The beauty and comeliness we see in each other’s eyes are a product of a sacrifice of love in the upbringing of such “evils” into persons whom we interact and fall in love with. If there is one human duty, it is to reciprocate love shown to us.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Bryan Creely

65 Comments

  1. Mystique

    August 25, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    I need me a good man that’s all……….. where can I find one???? #nohatingplease #singleandsearching

    • iyayu

      August 25, 2015 at 1:40 pm

      how r u? pls how do i c u? lol

    • Ocean Beauty

      August 25, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      Mystique. I dey vex for you sha. After you don hang me during the last public holidays. Anyways don’t sweat yourself. Man will come when he will come.

      As for me, I am now single, celibate and not searching because the things my eyes see in this my waka waka business is fearing me.

      My landlady believes she is married to a pastor in a popular PentecosCAN church. Whenever she travels, the earliest the man comes back home is by 2am. Only a matter of time and he won’t be coming from his evangelism alone.
      In this case, I believe one of her parameters is a God fearing man. And a God fearing man she got.
      When we draw up our lists of what we want in our ideal man, we should not forget to put a man who won’t lead double life.

    • Mystique

      August 25, 2015 at 4:37 pm

      Sweetie, no vex o………we can still hook up this weekend. thing is, BN might not release your email to me. would have loved to email you and make someconcrete plans.

    • Ocean Beauty

      August 25, 2015 at 11:01 pm

      Hehehehehehe. This weekend na my baiday oh. I dey wait you. If BN won’t release email, I go release am myself.
      In fact BN if Mystique doesn’t contact me this weekend, you owe me a birthday party. No be joke I dey

    • Mystique

      August 26, 2015 at 9:27 am

      lets make it happen……… 🙂

    • Ocean Beauty

      August 26, 2015 at 10:43 am

    • Mystique

      August 26, 2015 at 3:35 pm

      i’ve sent you an email sweetie………@.BN thank you. what a way to make new friends *smiling*

  2. Anna

    August 25, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    My Parameter: …….Oji kwa Ego?

    #that’s all

    • nene

      August 25, 2015 at 2:25 pm

      nne ego di important.

    • iyke

      August 25, 2015 at 2:37 pm

      @Anna, Gi nwa, i jikwa ego nke gi?

    • elsa

      August 25, 2015 at 5:54 pm

      Nne oge adiro biko….hahahahahaha

  3. Corolla

    August 25, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Well said!

  4. ashley

    August 25, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    The key to a successful relationship these days is FINANCIAL COMPATIBILITY. Beauty, love and all that come secondary. Things you should consider first are:

    1) what is this guy/girl bringing to the table?
    2) how does your partner manage money? Is he/she a spender or a saver? what kind of things does she spend on – wanted/needed items?
    3) How are we going to manage our finances once we are married? together or separate?
    4) How much money does my partner spend on his/her family each month and will this amount continue, decrease or stop once we are married? What are the person´s financial obligations to their family eg paying school fees for siblings etc.
    Note; This one is very important especially if the couple lives abroad. Life is expensive nowadays oh especially abroad. If 1naira can build a house for you in Nigeria, that same 1 naira can only buy 1 brick abroad (depending on the country).

    Most girls are still single and searching because they have that “a man takes care of everything” mentality.whose son do you want profit from when you did not help his parents bring him up? The dating scene has changed since our mothers´time. From planning a wedding to raising children you need money. You may be beautiful, curvy, educated, a good cook and all that but it is useless if you are not financially contributing to the household. Ever wondered why most white people afford vacations and going to expensive places, its because of financial compatibility. Both parents work and budget their money. Each pregnancy is planned and financially taken care of well in advance. If money was not important, no one would bother asking you about your occupation, level of education and so on.

    • Magz

      August 25, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      I agree with you totally!

      However, apart from financial compatibility, there must be friendship (affection) as well, cos when the heat of the fire reduces, the friendship will uphold the marriage!

    • cancel reply

      August 25, 2015 at 4:11 pm

      Ummokay..Money is everything in marriage, se?

    • Terry

      August 28, 2015 at 9:19 am

      Said it all

  5. Noble (lagosconvo.com)

    August 25, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Love, sense of humours, slow to anger, good looking and …

    • yoyo

      August 25, 2015 at 11:51 pm

      well said, i just want a kind-hearted guy who genuinely loves God (not religious) and understands that we are a team. Life is tough and marriage come with a lot of challenges but when you’ve got each other’s back, you can survive whatever life throws at you. Every other thing will fall in place.

  6. Noble (lagosconvo.com)

    August 25, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    Sense of humour *

  7. Adewale

    August 25, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    @Mystique, how can I check you out…..anyway be better be 5’8, medical Dr and not too bold in size cus I’m coming to the table with lots of good for us o?….

    • Sugar

      August 25, 2015 at 4:22 pm

      Adewale You’ve been searching for a doctor wife for a long time now. I think you need to stand at LUTH gate entrance because of this ur “doctor wife” obsession.
      Life is not all about marrying a doctor! Marriage is much more than that.

    • Mystique

      August 25, 2015 at 4:44 pm

      hahahahahaha, and you better be Idris Elba cos i’m coming to the table with a whole lot…..*wink*

    • Me

      August 25, 2015 at 7:22 pm

      No offense [email protected] adewale. But do you have a medical condition for which you’ll need a Dr constantly by your side?

    • brazzy

      August 27, 2015 at 3:20 pm

      *shade*

    • demashi

      August 25, 2015 at 8:34 pm

      Adewale, my desired partner was a doctor too until I suffered heartbreak after tons of visit to Idi-Araba. Now married to an international airline staff & the free travel tickets make sense. Wish you luck in your doctor search and hope the experience doesn’t make you unwell like it did for me.

  8. Ndidi

    August 25, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    1. Love and Trust
    2 Respect
    3. Good and open communication
    4. Ambition
    5. Spirituality
    6. Loyalty
    7 Patience
    8 Forgiveness
    9 Humility
    10 Appreciation/ gratitude
    11 compromise and constructive arguments
    Lots and lots of humor and fun. Financial compatibility is important just like ashley stated,

    • mywifeisfiiiiiiine

      August 26, 2015 at 3:23 am

      I don’t mean to offend. But I am not sure that constructive arguments between a husband and wife is in a woman’s dictionary. You women are always right, sometimes when madam engages me with AK47 I always wonder if I am the one that is mad, lol. I am sure a lot of guys can relate.

  9. Anonymous

    August 25, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    ashley – If 1naira can build a house for you in Nigeria, that same 1 naira can only buy 1 brick abroad (depending on the country). – Please, abjure disgorging hare-brained misapprehending highfalutin claptrap. It is unambiguous you do not own property from this piddly divulgation. Arriviste chiming like a laird.

    • Noms

      August 25, 2015 at 2:27 pm

      Choooooiiii!
      Oyibo na be gan nor? (isn’t the english too much?)
      Ashley and others, you might find this useful to comprehend this commment:-
      Abjure- solemnly renounce (a belief , cause or claim)
      Disgorge – pour (something) out
      Hare-brained – Rash, ill-judged
      Claptrap – absurd or nonsensical talk or ideas
      Arriviste – an ambitious or ruthlessly self seeking person
      Chiming – be in agreement with***
      Laird – Non-land owning class or petty land owning class

      This commenter must be a lawyer or an aristocrat…
      Make una nor kill us ooo
      I be bush geh, I gree
      lool

    • ashley

      August 25, 2015 at 6:09 pm

      that is the result of students who skip class to smoke weed then later get expelled from school and become local champions. when engaged in a conversation with graduates, and other learned people, they tend to cram the dictionary in an attempt to sound important #smh

    • Anon

      August 26, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      This must be a Patrick Obaiyagbon descendant….easy on the english…shuo!!

    • beautycee

      August 26, 2015 at 1:57 pm

      sorry to say, u did not communicate.

    • brazzy

      August 27, 2015 at 3:22 pm

      oyibo…Supu!!!.. o si na-ogini na mee gi?

  10. Noms

    August 25, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    This below got me:-
    “It is as though the ladies want a combination of an altar boy and a pop star; while the men want a combination of a choir girl and a club performer. This all-in-one package is unrealistic and grossly ambiguous”.

    I know I don’t want a pastor as husband but I also know I don’t want a night/club crawler either.
    I believe there has to be a balance somehow…conscious effort.

    Physical attraction is very important…there has to be chemistry, physics in short all the sciences.

    Nowadays, a guy meets you and the next thing is “what do you do”?
    Source of income is also important. Personally, I’d rather he has 9-5 and a lucrative business along side @least that is what I am doing…my business can’t be called lucrative yet but it has a huge future..
    Financial stability without physical attraction won’t keep me.

    The way and manner a guys treats his parents/sibling shows how family oriented he is in my opinion, so again this is important to me.
    On religious grounds, we need to have a common belief,as a christian,he should be a believer as well but the sect he belongs to might be an issue for me….yes…I will not come and date a MFM Bro who then marries me and they will be conducting deliverance for me because of my makeup and weaves.

  11. Similicious

    August 25, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    There is no key or code to anything in life especially one that is as emotionally exhausting as a relationship.. Do what works for you, your other half/prospective half in your dealings together. No relationship is alike. To tailor your relationship to the guideline of others is recipe for disaster. As long as both parties are vulnerable, extremely honest and devoid of unnecessary airs, a relationship can be allowed to live in its truth. If you want a guideline so bad, seek the word of God. The answer to life’s idiosyncrasies is right there people, don’t be lazy…its data free.

    • Tkum

      August 27, 2015 at 3:24 pm

      gbam!!…you lie not

  12. MEE

    August 25, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    I do not agree completely. I don’t see how or why inter-tribal relationships shouldn’t happen. There’s nothing unnatural about it please. We are all humans and we can marry whoever we want. Nigeria ought to be more integrated. This tribalism nonsense is killing Nigeria. There are inter-tribal marriages that work out, I have personally seen, and there are marriages between people of the same tribe that do not work out. So assuming you have someone who isn’t from your tribe and that person happens to be the one that makes sense out of the entire bunch, would you really be silly enough to leave that person just cause he/she isn’t from your tribe?? Kpata kpata, if you both want a language so badly, pick one, put your heads together and learn it, relatives could help.
    Another thing I would so love to address on this language issue is how some people can’t speak their languages. I honestly do not blame them. If you don’t teach a child that language while they are growing up, they go to school and learn your so called “Queen’s English”, they meet their fellow pupils from other tribes and the main language of communication is English. They return home from school and continue where they left off and continue speaking the English with their siblings and parents who ought to teach them their language. Tell me, what sort of magic is going to make them suddenly speak the language? You don’t expect children to understand the importance of such things. The parents ought to implement that. Or wait, is it passed along with genes? Omo, there is nothing that can be done unless they learn how to speak it somewhere, I have no idea how

    And please quit this delusion, we are all sinners, and we all know this, this is why we need Jesus. I think it’s more along the lines of what kind of bad characteristics in a person can you tolerate. You’re never going to find a perfect human with no flaws, we all have it man. And it is just plain selfish of you to expect something in someone that you yourself cannot achieve
    Finally, our mothers wear wrappers cos that is what they are accustomed to. In their glory days and even presently, it was and is fashionable to them. Times have changed, when I get married, I can tie wrapper for the trad wedding and occasionally for church, but that is not what I am accustomed to. I am sticking with my jeans, casual, corporate whatever. Plus wrapper does not hide how big or small you are, whether you have big belle or not it will show. If it bothers you that much, you could shed some weight.

  13. nene

    August 25, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    i just want a very handsome, caring, and funny man with a good character who can afford a nice flat/house. money is not my problem, i’m not high maintenance or a big spender.

  14. Forget parameters

    August 25, 2015 at 2:34 pm

    Forget parameters jare

    it will just happen somehow. All those paramters may not even be there looking back at who you are with many years after.

    No parameters. A man/woman is not a car brand that has specifications.
    Human beings are rational. What you saw in him/her that attracted you may not be the real him/her.

    Many married folks can say that their list was just a child’s play.
    when it happens, it happens

  15. Patricia St. James

    August 25, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    I am considering dating guy who works in Customs, while I work in a big IT firm as a Project Manager. I don’t know if I am being petty by overthinking about this his job thing. I have been used to guys who are either developers, database guys and co and I believe these are professional fields from which one can grow and all. Him working in customs means for the next 20 years of our lives, I have to get used to him being in that organisation. Moreso, this issue of being posted to various states around the federation is another tissue that worries me. Would I have to leave my job and relocate to be with him, if the need arises.?
    God knows I don’t want I and my partner to live apart.

    This issue has been troubling me for a while as I have grown up in an environment where everyone is a core professional. Albeit, in the last 2 years, this man is the only guy that has shown genuine interest and placed all the cards concerning his intentions towards me and yes I am very much attracted to him. I really respect him for this. Some others have also been clear about us dating but I was never attracted to any of them. I am 28 btw. #stillpraying toGod fordirection

    • AUNTY MI

      August 25, 2015 at 4:27 pm

      I don”t get what your concerns are. If the guy is responsible; educated; well mannered and you are attracted to yourselves why must it be a “”PROFESSIONAL”” guy for you. Mind you, yes civil servants are laid bad but they are also as professional where they choose to be. For every 10 idle civil servant, there is one civil servant doing their job (personally i opine that the men are the one working for most of the women). Again how about seeing yourself as Mrs. Controller General in 20years (if you are still together then).

      Moreover you should be happy your income is guaranteed for life unlike your so called professional guys that get hired and fired anyways. And if hard work is important to you check that trait out in him now and if you eventually marry help foster it simple.

      ****the only thing in my opinion you need to worry about marrying a civil servant is low income and infidelity. THANKFULLY YOURS IS A CUSTOM OFFICER HE WILL BE SEIZING CONTRABAND AND MAKING MONEY FROM SMUGGLERS. LOL!!!!!!

    • Bolaji

      August 26, 2015 at 2:31 pm

      My pop is in the customs – always has been, since I was born – so I have first hand experience on how that is. Yes, you’re right, there’s a lot of posting across states in the early years, but we never had to move with him. It depends on you; if you can manage one or two years of seeing him f2f only on weekends, especially in the early years of his career, I assure you the latter years are worth it.

  16. Chinny

    August 25, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    I like. keep it up
    my parameter? just be flexible and at least an inch taller than me.

  17. anniemanny bae

    August 25, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    @Mystique and Adewale, our eyes are on you guyz, incase it blossoms please come back here and san owo ile to Bella as the forum 4d genesis of dis love wantintin. Lolz, after all social media has produced a lot of love stories that has ended in marriage lately.

    • Mystique

      August 26, 2015 at 9:20 am

      *blushing*……..will testify on this blog if/when it happens….lol

  18. Tosin

    August 25, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    my main parameter is that i’m bored, therefore interested in meeting a new person.
    good luck to you if I’m not bored.

    • Tosin

      August 26, 2015 at 6:30 am

      As for the content of the article, so true, so true. So True.

  19. demashi

    August 25, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    I read a book while on campus almost 2 decades back which gave 10 rules for dating. The one that struck me most was “do not pray together – don’t form a spiritual bond when there is none”. So while at I was looking for a lady that was god-fearing, I didn’t want to end up with a nun even though my wife goes on a spiritual overdrive nowadays that makes me feel like a pagan. Another key parameter was age, was never gonna be comfortable with anyone older than me., which is why I considered my wife cos I was some 2 months older than her. As long as a partner is responsible, the career choice don’t really matter.

    The key ingredients for a successful relationship are respect, love, communication and shared goals. There should be chemistry as well, although you can have that with tons of people.

  20. Adewale

    August 25, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    @me not at all. It’s always been my obsession since I was so young…….???.
    @sugar that one go hard o, Idi- araba ke…lol
    @annieammany bae, thank for the encouragement. You just earn yourself a high table on our wedding day..?
    @Mystique, maybe we’ll name of first son or daughter Bella……. But I’m serious

    • Bee

      August 25, 2015 at 11:14 pm

      Lol. I’m a doctor, maybe we can hook up *wink*

    • Mystique

      August 26, 2015 at 9:22 am

      I’m serious too……..not sure if BN can help here.

    • Mystique

      August 26, 2015 at 9:24 am

      @adewale, oh well, sent the message before seeing the convo between you and Bee…….in that case i’ll let you two enjoy yourselves. #goodluck #hugs

  21. Daniel

    August 25, 2015 at 10:34 pm

    Someone that is God fearing, Looking good, and Educated.

  22. Adewale

    August 26, 2015 at 6:44 am

    @Bee Give me the lead and I’ll politely follow it?

  23. Temi

    August 26, 2015 at 7:22 am

    @Adewale that want to marry a doctor.. Be ready for our all day all night in the hospital

    I believe in everything seek God … He knows the best and will give you the partner that will make you happy for life

  24. MarshallOnos

    August 26, 2015 at 8:20 am

    @Nene i hope you’re really single; cuz i have the feeling you’re my next woman and if you happen to have a man,, then let’s cheat on him. #

    • I love Shea butter

      August 26, 2015 at 5:47 pm

      Lol. Cheat ke! Bros fear God oo..

  25. Adewale

    August 26, 2015 at 9:06 am

    @Temi Uhm thank you Temitayo, Temilolu or Temitope etc?

  26. TA

    August 26, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    Chimoooo!!!! I skimmed through the article quickly and rushed to the comments section expecting mouth-watering comments on an article like this and boy! I wasn’t disappointed!!!
    BN,BN, BN, how many times did I call you people? Are you people seeing what I am seeing? Rotflol. 🙂 Set up a dating forum for those that want it, mba,una nor gree. Can you now see how guys and babes have taken matters into their hands? BN, Please tell, what further convictions do you need that this will drive massive traffic to this site? Okay o. Me,I’m sitting here sipping my cold zobo and scrolling back to read the comments again.

  27. Mystique

    August 26, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    BN, its about time…………[email protected] TA, thanks

  28. Chigurl

    August 26, 2015 at 7:15 pm

    @adewale I can hook you up with a doc

  29. Adewale

    August 26, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    @Mystique come joor, person no dey follow you play? No run commot…..you be my first love for here now?

  30. Yemi

    August 27, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    cool write-up……. #lovethis

  31. sassymsethni

    October 4, 2015 at 6:31 am

    I’m no marriage expert, but i can tell from the marriages around me that you need tons of patience, dedication, love, prayers, financial stability and a solid friendship!!

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